sometimes i wonder why is it that i am very quiet?
its only because i am controlling my blabber mouth from going out of control.

one too many times, this nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating mouth of mine -- with its partner in crime: the equally (no, even more) nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating brain of mine -- have done me enough injustice to sentence myself to life imprisonment in social isolation.

these words that bullet through the gun barrel of my throat have waged wars, gunned down other's pride, grazed the hearts of loved ones, burrowed deep into the psyche of men, and sometimes spiritually killed people.

these words cut, raze, tunnel, scratch, bore, peirce, slice, saw, and eventually cause destruction, devastation, impoverishment, amaggeddon.

and so, in order to try to cease this wanton dismantling of the lives of others, so intricately intertwined with my own, i try to remain reticent, taciturn, quiet, silent, self-effacing, restrained, controlled, hushed.

i do not wish to argue, to debate, to opinionate, to make a fool of myself, to contribute to the noise level, to be the empty vessel that i already am.

i just want this world to be a better place. and from my own experiences, i can contribute better by not speaking, and perhaps, more action.

would you forgive someone if he or she accidently let out a secret that was not meant to be public?

i would not easily.

and hence, i deserve all the guilt, all the blame, all the anger, all the disappointment, all the hate.

for i have sinned against a friend.

no amount of apology will suffice.

i depend only on your graciousness to forgive.

forgive me. the following is simply a whole load of trash, but yet a mumbo-jumbo, helter-skelter about the essential meaninglessness of life, of people, of me.

*********

man is essentially selfish.

i am having a tough time dealing with that.

all men think only for and about themselves.

that i understand.

i do that too. all the time. i only think of the sacrifices I have made. i only think of the efforts I have made. i only think of the commitments, the energies, the thoughts I have put into. I and I alone. I am the most selfish ass on earth. yes.

yet, i have a problem with everyone else.

if i had a bone to pick with the world, i would have enough to create the exoskeleton of a typical shark.

no one says thank you when i open the door for others. only old aunties. everyone else simply rush off doing their own business. the world is unappreiciative of me. and see how i manage to make this problem my own.

no wonder i am loosing enthusiasm. no wonder i am loosing faith. if the only mantra i cling on to are "boats" and "books," oh how shallow has my life become. oh how pathetic i have made my life to be.

no wonder religion exists. depend on god, simply because men are essential undependable. thoughts like this, makes me want to shave my head and move into a monastary.

humans beings think too much of themselve and about themselves. everyone else are simply appendages and tools for their own pleasure, for their own projects, their own agendas. do i live for others? no, i live for myself.

so where is this reason i am supposed to find? in friends? in family? in boats? or in books? in myself? oh. look. we are back to the same and most pertinent topic. me.

zest and reason has come to be found in every stroke, in every catch, in every pull. it means defeating an imaginary and/or forced enemy. friends are enemies, enemies are enemies. as long as i want to win, everyone else is enemy. i wonder if this is the reason.

or is it to be found in reading page after page of wars and devastation afflicted in post colonial countries? or how to make nice surveys for the benefit of a company? or in the photocopy of book after book? or the watching of tape after tape? the completion of essay after essay? tutorial after tutorial? pull up after pull up? push up after push up? crunch after crunch? money after money? dollar after dollar?

the more i think about it, the more everything loses its meaning. the more i hope for the best in people, the more my expectations fall short. the more i think about the positive, the more negatives i find. the more i give, the more i find myself giving. to the point, where i find myself bare and naked.

I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a load of crap.

i told myself not to whine, nor complain, nor find fault in everything around me. i tried to control my emotions, i tried to muster my strength. but the fact that i am blogging this out, means, i have reached my mental threshold and emotional containment.

allow me my release. allow me my penseive mood. allow me, as all my male and female friends would brush off as, my PMS, my bitching, my ranting, my essentially meaningless and ultimately insignificant (to them at least) banter of thoughtless nonsense.

if i were someone else reading this, i would roll my eyes, mutter something under my breath, think that this idiot is really talking about me, let my imagination run wild, and ultimately return back to the calming and soothing melodies of mozart and the challenge of reading my readings.

ah. I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a...