hey peepz.

its 6 in the morning. back in the bunk. just sent my sister off at the airport. she should be halfway round the world to turkey by now.

she's there on some volunteering teaching thingee. then she's off to Leeds, UK for her SEP. jetsetting once again, that little adventurous lady.

so im online for awhile, cos i got hungry and am eating something.

a while ago, my grandma was on the phone. she has her own expectations for us, the grandchildren. so far, im pretty much the black sheep. cos im doing political science. in her cruel words holds a speck of truth. a truth i hate hearing. a truth that i am forced to listen to, silently, grudgingly. a bitter medicine to reality. i rely on my parents too much. im not independent enough. why am i doing things that are unnecessary? i should be out there working my ass off to support my aging parents. rather than doing all these useless stuff. what useless stuff, i shant deliberate.

i have wasted time. wasted too much time. just simply spending time, socializing. if my parents knew what i have been doing, going out, movies, dinners, smsing, and the like, they would scold me till the cows come home. yes, perhaps, they do not understand the life of their lazy ass of a son. and yet, too, within their words, i trace that similar kernel of truth. perhaps it not that i am doing it, but i am doing too much of it.

the contradictions of family.

i am always forced to face the excesses of my own life, my own lifestyle. in the pursuit of my own goals, perhaps, just perhaps i have gone a little too far.

a friend told me to stop thinking. and just feel and enjoy the moment.

for some times, it works.

for other times, when i feel nothing for it, and i think nothing of it, would i be nothing to it? and conversely, will it become nothing to me?

ah, nothingness. a buddhist tenet. sometimes, i thought i would be a buddhist monk. renounce the ties of earthly pleasures, and release myself of guilt and pain. and many a times, thought it might actually be worth it. afterall, i just run away from the first sight of danger, of threat. i just run away. and after the run, i will for a brief period forget what happened, and be left with deep breaths, a sweaty body and an adrenaline rush.

ah running. that's what i do. every sun, tues and thurs, at least. i run in the sun, i run in the rain. i run with people, i run alone. i run when i am happy, i run when i am sad. i run when i am healthy, i run when my knee hurts. i run, i run, i run. is life a race? where i just have to keep running? when can i stop? take a break? when i halt this cycle of neverending step after step after step? can i? should i? can i swim instead?

that's what it sometimes is. a bore. a cycle. the same thing again and again and again. the pleasures, the hurting, the highs, the agony. of being there, of being somewhere else. of being chosen, of being left behind. of proving, of more proving. of caring, of neglecting. of remembering, of forgetting. of abandonment, of slavish obedience. of loyalty, of blindness. of doing it for whom, and of doing it for what.

in my groggy mind of tiredness, i carry a burden. a burden of burdens. one i have only heaped upon myself. in my weary body of weaknesses, i dig a grave. a deep grave of burrowed minutes and hours and days and months. in this grave, i shall fall in with the weight upon my back, descending into the mani-folds of forgotten time.

death. it shouldn't be something to be feared with all one's life. it would deter one from living. being alone. it shouldn't be a driving force for life. it would stop one from understand the self. anger. it shouldn't be a lasting emotion. it would only blind oneself to moment one should live fully in.

have i spoken too rhetorically? too metaphorically? only because i am not thinking. just feeling. and here, let my feelings flow and translate into words of cryptic riddles. as i rest silently by myself, on my bed of passing time, calmly waiting for death.

oh. time to dry the clothes again.

i wish i would stop being so afraid, so scared, so fearful, so worried, so obsessed, so disillusional, so hypocritical, so confused, so unsure, so half-hearted, so depressed, so all-over-the-place about everything everytime.