hey peepz! its me again at 10 am on the nation's birthday. so here's a great big 40th happy birthday to my homeland.

i am actually very happy and thankful that i live in singapore. guess, national education did work on me after all. after all, i do support the PAP, NS, and indeed national education inculcation in the young. we all know what the effects of propaganda is on the young. look at germany under the reign of hitler. at least, we can be sure, that the "singapore" brand of propaganda aint leading us to wage war and the such. of course, all this history and heritage teaching aint perfect, and leaves a lot to be desired. but at least, we can safely say, that they are pretty much beneficial, if not innocuous.

anyway, will be going home for dinner since it is a holiday. but will be lugging some of my readings home to be completed for tomorrow "making of a nation" tutorial (hm).

went to see the doctor AGAIN yesterday. its a wonder how come everytime i visit the YIH, i always seem to be seeing Dr Victor Loh. but its good, cos its consistent. and so, off i trooped to my FOURTH visit in 3 weeks. i was thinking while sitting in the waiting room, that if i dun get well by this thurday, it would be my 1 month anniversary of me being sick. hm. or its it 3 weeks? i dunno. either way, its been way too long. and i am sick of being sick. i am even sick of complaining here that i am sick. the worries started to creep in again. got a little teary eyed imagining the possibilities of tuberculosis, or lung cancer and that sort of wild imagination crap.

i can get pretty paranoid, really. but dun worry people, its really just all in my head.

anyway, so the doctor decided to give me something new, besides the usual procodin syrup and lozenges (which i have already completed 2 courses of). its a Flixonase aqueous nasal spray! and some tablets of runny nose. he thinks my nose is the problem now. probably too much dust, cause some allergic reaction and the cough. so i took it back to my room and tried it last night. what i had to do, was to stick it up my nose and press to induce a spray that goes up to the back of my nose. it was pretty uncomfortable and it went to the back of my nose, and trickled down to my throat. so i pretty much tasted it as well. it aint sweet that's for sure. so i had to down a couple of mouthfuls of water to clear the horrid taste. ah well. don't think its working yet, cos i am still coughing right now. but i read the disclaimer: take for a few days first, cos it may take some time to take effect. ah well.

hope it will work this time.

and so cos i had to see the doctor, i opted not to go for my retest. because i really saw no point in me taking. i dun think i am as strong as yoke hian, who managed to pass splendidly despite being sick. i was convinced that i would fail the run anyway, and probably do worse. ah well. at night, i was quite glad to hear from alex that he passed the run, and so did yanming. gm also passed his pull ups, cos he fell short of just 1 the last time round. guess that leaves me as the only guy who failed the run. ah well. ha ha! its okay. i am all right with that fact. no need for consolations. its just that i feel, that no amount of excuses, sickness included can justify my dismal performance. in the atheletic world, you have to be the top of your game when the time comes. when the test comes, you either pass it or you fail it. no one has the luxury or the mood to entertain my whimsy complaints.

was thinking of just doing some "semi-retiring" like just tie myself to my bed to prevent me from going for any training, until i fully recover. i never seem to recover in time for the next training, and end up going for the training anyway, only to make my sickness worse. if my sickness were to prolong for a month more (choy!), and it means i have to not train for a month, and thus not able to take part in the next race, then so be it. races are just races i guess. the next one will come. if i am not fit for this one, then i will train until i am fit for the next. it is not a big deal. what's more important for me, is that i be fit enough to train with the team who i care for.

sigh. well, its just a thought. so dun mince too much on my words. but its a scary thought for me. let me be himbotic for a while. for all those muscles i trained so hard for, they are wasting away as i speak! 3 weeks of not training is super super super detrimental to overal fitness and physique. hiaz. i should just freeze myself in cryogenics.

anyway, so yesterday concluded my first day in school. had two lectures. one history and one on public administration. so far, i dun really have a good impression of the lecturers. the best so far is dr krippa. but she's in IR. this sem is PA sem. sigh. but one good thing, is i made a few friends. more like acquaintances for now. one guy in particular, called gabriel. interesting fellow. you see, there are 4 of us (newly acquainted friends) who decided to come together to compile our coursepack because our lecturer is too lazy to do it for us. so we split the workload and headed off to find the materials. and as i was zapping my part, gabriel coincidentally appeared. looks like i am not the only "enthu" student around. so we were zapping our stuff at adjacent photocopy machines, and we struck up some interesting conversations. you know, small talk. but it was the ease at which we were talking to each other that struck me. you know, sometimes, people can get kinda shy when they first meet, wary of revealing too much about themselves. but we both hit off quite well. actually what qualified that statement for me was the fact that his mom is a supervisor at GNC, and he offered to get me stuff at 35% discount! anytime anywhere! OMG! when i heard it, i thought i hit black gold. imagine! 35% discount for anything at GNC! ah hahahahaha!

okay. sorry. when gm or alex sees this, i can so imagine what they will say: the auntie in me has resurfaced. ha ha! but hey! there was a Popular sale at bras basah that ended last sunday, which i was aware of, and i had to plant myself in my room to prevent me from going! so proud of myself. but when yoke told me that TIMES had a warehouse sale at expo that some night, i felt like jumping of the building. ok ok, thats a tad too exaggerated. but i mean, hey! how could i have NOT known that there was a bookstore warehouse sale??? and NOT go??? looks like i have been deprived of the papers for too long. sigh... sigh... sigh...

okay. anyway, so i hope i could meet new friends in political science, cos i really dun have that many friends in PS. its always good to create a network in your field of study. no, i would say its critical to create a network of friends in your field of study. especially, in NUS, cos we dun get regular classmates due to the modular system. we always change classmates from module to module. so i hope to know more people!

okie. i blogged for a good 40 minutes. and the prodin syrup is making me drowsy again and i havent cleared up my room, or read my readings.. or...zzz

hey peepz!

just had my dinner. decided to stay at home the whole day to nurse my cough. i deligently took my medication, had a long nap in the afternoon, and i am still coughing. it is persisting and not letting up. why?! why?! why?! i feel the anger and frustration of want to get well boiling inside of me. its been about 3 weeks now and i am still sick. i hate it. and the fitness test is tomorrow! argh. its hard enough that i have put myself out of action, its even tougher to take a test that i am not prepared for. and the juniors are joining us next week. feel like breaking something.

stress stress stress.

then there is the stress from the fact that school is starting soon. the stress can be exemplified by what happened yesterday. on the night before, mel sent a link to vai, a mutual friend of ours, indicating that there is a lesson on the second of august. she then sent me a message at 3 am, and which i only read at 9 the next morning, asking me if i was going to class. i went online and confirmed that the website for this module clearly indicated that there is a class on the second of august. i reasoned that since there won't be a class the next week, for it will be national day, and that it is a usp class (i never once doubted that the people from usp can be insanely enthusiastic or just insanely mad), there existed the high probability that there IS a class that morning. so i got my poor dad, who is currently suffering from the enlargement of his prostate, to drive me to school. and when i did reach late at 1030, to my relief, there was no class at all. on hindsight, why didn't i just have called the office to check?! so hindsight is indeed 20/20.

and so you can see, how stressed up with anticipation i have become, bordering on the border of obsession and paranoia.

speaking of sight. my right eye just turned red, and is in pain. i dunno why. probably from excessive contact lens wearing. i feel another infection coming on. this time, another eye infection. ARGH!!!!!!!!! and the pimple under my right eye is NOT making things better.

suddenly i seem to have noticed a lot of bad things are happening nowadays. 2 days ago i realised that i lost my provisional driving license again. the next time i buy it, it will cost me fifty dollars instead of twenty five. i searched my room for a tiny slip of paper, which is nowhere to be found. i pray that it will miraculously appear.

just a few days after i thought i cleaned up my room, it has become messy again, and my mom has been pestering me to clean it up before i move my lazy dirty ass to old kr. hiaz.

then 3 days ago, my dad complained of bladder discomfort. then he saw the doctor only in the evening, and was diagnosed with protate enlargement. i was relieved. because in the morning, he kept sweating, and was clearly in pain. the enlared prostate had pressed itself against his uriniary tract which made it really difficult to pee. and all morning, he was speculating whether it was uriniary tract infection or maybe it was prostate cancer. it was not a clam scenario. i was thrown into a fit of panic and wild imagination myself. i kept fussing over him, telling him to stop doing the laundry, to go and see the doctor immediately. furthermore, he has contracted the same cough that currently ais me. i was very worried for him, but had to go to school. i was really relieved when he told me that it was nothing serious when i got home that night.

and just now, my elder brother got home and brazenly announced that he was going to korea for a 6 months immersion program, at my dad's expsense of course. not to make him sound evil, he has some savings and working at the same time. but what got me alitte agitated was that he approached me and asked me to lend him my lap top. i was already kinda pissed at him for making the sudden decision to go korea and now he wants my lap top? luckily i kept silent with all sorts of thoughts crowding my mind. and so he will be departing at the end of this month for further education.

i feel irritated, because, if he leaves, and me staying at old kent ridge, and if my sister does get her accomodation at new kent ridge approved, then there will be no one in the house except my parents. my parents and a big empty house. suddenly i feel ashamed, because i myself have seem to have long abandoned my parents even before my siblings have. abandoned them to seek my own fulfilment at a university like my brother. what sort of son have i become?! and yet, i am well aware of the need to do well in this leg of my life, because my future depends on it.

and the more that i think that my future depends on it, the more i feel frustrated with myself for the continual indulgence in so-called "luxury" activities. one of them being db, another being "whiling my time away" doing "unproductive" activities. not to mention, wasting and throwing my money away into the wind, by spending them on friends, by buying useless stuff like more stationary, or even buying high end luxury goods like caps. things like my 20 dollar nalgene bottle is a class of its own. or even my oakley glasses, or my new second-hand fcuk shirts. argh. suddenly i am growing aware of the wanton materialism that dominates my life. looking at the condition my life now entails, i should be one of them studious china scholars with non-existent fashion sense, cooped up in the room and preparing for the examinations. my life seems to be a rubbish dump in itself, so filled with unnecessary waste. i can even say that this lap top upon which i type is also a luxury good that motivates my sense of shame.

perhaps i am taking this a little too far, but it aint consoling my already wretched emotionl, mental and physical state.

i guess only one word can describe me now: whateva.

and to think that i want to go on a student exchange, this with the knowledge that my sister wants to go too. and now that my brother is also going. and that my dad is retiring in 4 years, and that my mom is working for peanuts. and that i seem to be failing in everything is all sense of the word, constantly reminded by the failure of my second driving test, i seem to have found myself in another deeper level of bad self-esteem.

suddenly, the right things for me to do right now, i just to quit school altogether and start working. maybe i should support my sister's education, like how my father supported my uncle's. looking at the amount of time, energy and money i have already wasted, i seem to have thrown out all sort of justificaiton and qualification why i should be enjoying this sort of lifestyle in the first place.

okay. just realised that my ranting has just degenerating into a self-battering session, i shall just stop now lest i pound fragile inner state into minced meat to be wraped up in a bun and eaten whole by shame and guilt.

two things must be done: get physically well, and get that 4.5 cap at whatever the costs.

hey peepz again!

its kinda late, so i shall make things fast.

forgot to mention that i went on an overnight fishing trip at bedok jetty with 2 of my NS pals, Lin Hui and Ivan. it was really fun. LH caught a crab which died when we drowned it in water, thinking that it was really giving it life. other than that, we din manage to catch anything. i had my first try at flinging the rod. lucky, the hook din catch anyone's mouth, like the one in something about mary. through the night, we just sat and chatted and ate hot soup and marshmellows, and twisties and drank coffee before we headed home. learned a lot of things about nursing from ivan, who is currently studying nursing at nyp. also learnt about stars. wow. thanks man. on our way back, we all ko-ed on the bus and mrt. but it was an experience i would never forget.

moved into old kr today with melvin and jiahe. met his girlfriend, ruishan. nice gal. alex came later and we all attempted to clean up the really filthy room. in the end, we only managed to finish cleaning half the room. the rest will be left for tomorrow. really excited at staying at old kr. really really!

after that, met up with my jc classmates! it was really fun. and great to see them again. some old faces which i had not seen before turned up! we ate at fin! and then at centre stage. as usual, we laughed at ben's ethics. val was really a great and cheery girl. great to see her back from england. and shah, our long lost malay friend. ha ha!

okay. short and sweet. nightz!

hey peepz!

mel said that its been a long time since i blogged, so here i am blogging again.

maybe cos i have been sick for a very long time, so not much mood to go and blog. hiaz. been sick since the time i failed my driving test. gm said, guess you will be sick for a very long time, implying, that i prob wont pass my driving test anytime in the near future. saw 2 doctors liao. yokes probably right. i aint taking good care of myself...
everytime i get so bored of staying cooped up at home, i go out, thinking that i am already well, only to fall sick again halfway through.

today's training was quite tough for me. i felt really tired and slept before training started. i thought i was okay, but running back from the esplanade was a real torture. i kept pushing, and telling myself i could do it, and that i should not let my team mates down who kept encouraging and pushing my all the way. but towards the last 1 kilometre, i simply gave up and fell back. i saw my teammates carrying on their race against themselves, while i simply decided to let go. noel, my vc was so super encouraging. he wrapped his hands around my waist in order to push me. and i felt really grateful for his words and support. a little embarrassed though, because i am not really so accustomed to having someone pushing me all the way. a little disappointed with myself too, that i decided to give up. and at the end i simply collapsed on the ground, heaving like some dying sheep. very unglam. very unbecoming of me. realised that i was beating myself in my thoughts. not because the others ran faster than me. i aint that competitive. just sad that i actually consciously gave up half way. i hate giving myself up. but that can also be a bane, because sometimes, i fail to weigh my own abilities and push myself too hard, till i crash and burn.

like on thursday's training. After the run and the statics, I simply ko-ed. Halfway while walking up the stairs to the gym, I kinda blacked out. I laid myself outside looking up the ceiling, thinking that I was going to die. I reminded me of my first day at training, when I kind of blacked out too. Sighz. Marcus got alex to stay with me. So alex did his statics while I just lied there. Thought I was quite a funny sight, cos in some distance, a bunch of nussu people were clearing up after the matric fair. I just laid there and watched a guy push about a girl on a wheeled trolley. Hm.

So, anyway, I after today, I thought my fitness was going on a down hill. Its funny, cos I rememebered saying I want to get stronger than the incoming juniors, and one more week before they get their first taste of training, and I am like, down and out. Sigh. Its like the more I want something, the more they moved out beyond my reach. Like my driving licence. Oh no! I am aiming for a 4.5 this sem! Last sem I aimed for 5.0 and I got like what 3.9. and what will happen to me this sem??!! I am growing paranoid. I have set my sights, and am willing to go the distance, so why does fate always seem to put all these sort of obstacles in my way? Maybe it’s a spiritual test. Or maybe its just retribution. Ah well.

Gm keeps saying I should get a make over. You know, thin your hair here, dye your hair there, get some spanking new clothes, and I could “rock” arts. Hmm. Its every guys wish to look cool and funky, regardless of their looks (read mine: ugly), so why not? For me, its just the finances. I simply do not have the money. All my money, goes into fetishes like blindly photocopying notes that I wont read, and buying more books that I wont touch. Hm. Okay. I guess that does put another interesting perspective on my life. Maybe I should pay more attention to my looks. The real world does run on impressions. I just dun understand the need to put BOTH hair wax AND hair spray just to keep my hair standing on its ends for half a day. ah well. There are many mysteries to be solved.

I still remember my resolution to make nerds look cool. Hm. Dun think I am doing such a great job as yet.

The water session was quite torturous for me. The weather was really scorching. My breathing was really shallow. Everytime we completed a set, I was gasping for breath! It was really tiring and exhausting. And we are using the old paddles for training, which means that I have gotten more blisters! I got three already. I tore the skin off to reveal the bare flesh and they hurt real bad. Argh. I really love my grey owl.

Anyway, my time table has been set. Am taking 2 political science mods: introduction to public administration and public administration in Singapore. I will also be doing 2 USP mods: making of a nation and biodiversity and conservation biology. And finally, taking introduction to theatre and drama to fulfill my faculty requirement. Alex kept telling me about the module on the bus home cos he took it last sem. Apparently, I get an edge in the module, cos I am a guy. Hm. Hope I can get an A plus. Mua ha ha! Ah well. The time table is set. The exam dates look a lot nicer this time round. It time to hit the library once again to grab the notes before they get hoarded by a group of kiasu people who conspire to keep the book by simply tossing the book from one to another and back again by reserving the book, one after another. Heh heh.

Yeah yeah. That’s me alright, kiasu, “auntie”, nerdy me.

Life is as exciting as ever, where everyday is an unpredictable adventure. Who knows when the next homework will come, who knows when the next crisis will befall, who know when the next… argh. I worry too much. Maybe that’s why my head feels so heavy and I keep having all these headaches.

Okay. Till next time!

"How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface. To make a map of my movement -- no matter how temporary."

"There lay our challenge - to find how far we could venture on the icy snow before breaking through. We had to step ever so gingerly like a cat. Or like Jesus walking on the water. Phil thought it was a competition BETWEEN us. In that sense i most often won... but i knew i wasn't competiting against him, but against myself -- against my own clumsy humanity that had lost synchronization with the earth. In that sense i always lost."

these were my two favourite quotes from Blankets by Craig Thompson. thanks emma. it was a good read.

i just want to be simple. and i just want everyone to be happy.

hey peepz!

its me again. yes. sigh. its me again. same old boring me. same old bored me. haha!

its the fourth day in a row that my sore throat has persisted. it got really bad last night, as i coughed through the night, totally aware that my condition was going from bad to worse. so this morning, i resolved to trudge down to the nearest clinic and see a doctor, instead of waiting for YIH to open on monday. yes, its me being all petty about money again. well, it is after all FREE at yih. but after some consideration. the wait is not worth the suffering. and in the end, had to spend twenty four dollars for consultation and medication. sigh. i could get a bit of things with twenty four buckeroos...

but i am glad i got some antibiotics, cos its a reassurance that i will now definitely get better. but i got the dreadful cough medicine that drives people drowsy and into a groggy state of semi consciousness.

and i need to go out for practice later. sigh.

so from now until, my eye lids scream to be shut, i shall just pen some thoughts.

okay. nothing is coming in right now. zzz...

hey peepz!

how do i know that i must be really bored? well, this is my fourth enty in three days. i MUST be really bored. actually, its because i am cooped up at home desperately trying to recover from this lingering sore throat that i am suffering. its torturous, having to consume lots and lots of water, lozenges, panadol, chuan bei pi pa gao and anything i think can help me recover faster.

whenever i fall sick, i get really really frustrated. because, i keep getting reminded (okay, this is going to sound really himbotic) that my body is wasting away in bed. i can literally feel my hard earned muscles (or at least whatever little i have on me right now) are withering and dissolving in distrophy? knowing that my comrades are still already working hard for the next season; afraid that the next batch of juniors might be tougher than me. ooo... i hate the juniors even before i met them. haha! nah. i am just frustrated that i am experiencing a long long period of inactivity and it has been three days. i guess i shared some of the same sentiments as some who profess they miss the water. i too, am missing my paddle.

its that time of the year again, when hopes and expectations start afresh. reading alex's pain in choosing his modules, echoes my own when i look at my infinite choices of combinations. so many plans, so many schemes are running through my head, that i cant sleep properly at night. probably excited at the thought of returning back to school. ah well, what is a nerd like me going to do? all i know, is that the next sem is going to be way way tougher than the last two, because the modules that i am interested in taking happen to be in the "higher difficulty" levels. i just hope that i can muster enough psychic energy to channel my efforts into doing the right things at the right time.

ah well. choices, choices, choices. somehow i relish in the thought that i actually have some control, of some sort. haha! i need to see counsellor, to address this mad need for power and control.

anyway, so many things have happened around the world. mostly, the coverage of the london bombings and the nkf saga. maybe i would like to add a little more uncommon knowledge. the world pool championships held in kiaoshiung, Taipei was won by a 16 year old kid, who has overcome previous champions in the likes of earl strickland, francisco bustamante, johnny archer and last years champion alex pugulayan to clinch the highest honous in the world of nine ball pool. it was a great game that was... ah well.

hope everyone is fine.

hello again. this is my second post for the day. just have an urge to just douse the day in a little romping depression.

as you know, i failed my second attempt at the driving test (see previous post). i tried to sleep the saddening thoughts away, but they have since devolved into a still-present but dormant form of depression and apathy. my mind simply went through again and again what happened, and as a normal human, berate myself for all the mistakes i committed and tortured myself by visualizing what i should have done and all to have created the success i sought. ah well.

but my misery did not end there. the potent mixture of depression and exhaustion combusted into illness as an irritating sore throat threatened to launch itself into a fever. i drowned myself in so much water, that i feel weak whenever i went to the toilet. tried to sleep but i could not. forbade myself from exerting too much effort. so i just sat at the computer looking through potential modules for next sem. i had to cancel a movie appointment because i wanted to stay at home. sigh. was looking forward to watching fantastic four really.

for me, being at home sometimes kind of depressing. because there were so many things i needed to settle in the house. my white board is filled with reminders of what needed to be done. and everytime i promised to tackle on task, i ended up back in front of the computer, procrastinating by excusing myself due to my illness. furthermore, my mom never fails to dish out commands, one after another. first she ordered me to take in the clothes, immediately followed by an order to change my bed sheets, and another nag to clear up my mess of notes from last semester, and then another to... ah... mothers. waht would sons do without them?

and yet, being at home means being stagnant. and for me, in a state of depression, and illness, stagnance served to propel me into a spiral of MORE depression and illness. ah well.

was thinking of things. until a friend called to tell me that singing practice will start on sundday at 3. well, in case you all did not know, i am a member of an acapella group. we did a concert last year before my stint at at uni began. it was quite a successful concert by our standards, and we want to do it again next year. actually, to be more accurate, they want to recreate it. hiaz. after one year of school, i seem to have lost the interest to sing. actually, its more because of my over burdening commitments, to goodness knows what i have committed to already. its a troublesome thing sometimes, this commitment thing. the group started as a "long-term project." i mentioned i did not wish to remain in the group, but my friend would not hear of it. a strong argument used was that the other memebers of the group have improved so much and wish this happen. how can i let them down by being irresponsible and leaving them like that?

and i came to realise that this happens for not just this group, but for most of the groups i have joined in my life. once i have said "yes", i find myself attending practices and trainings and meetings, even when i have simply lost the interest. but i have to continue for whatever reasons, be it group solidarity, or it would be an irresponsible act to quit, or be it for the sakes of friends. i was rather disappointed with my friend in this occasion because it felt that he did not bother to enquire about my troubles or situation. why did i want to discontinue in the first place? for him, his priority was to get this singing stint going. and i was simply needed to be there so that this could happen. luckily, we are singing the old repetoire. nothing too difficult. yet, this is just one instance. this, like many instances, "quitting" is not an option. at least, its not my option.

hence lies the dichotomy of being true to myself and being loyal to my friends, my mates, my pals. hence portrays the tension between the self and society. the inner being and the outer organism. the liberals and the conservatives.

and i realise, that the more i strove to create some form of control, the more i realise that i did them simply because i had no control at all. it seems that all my life, i have always had someone telling me what to do. be it government authorities, school teachers, parents, friends or fierce testers. the more i enmesh myself into the idea of "independence", the more i realise i do not have it. my "freedom" of buying consumer products is always negated by the reminder that the money was given by my parents. you know, stuff like this, you get the picture. and its ironic that for most things, the more i sought it out, the more it has been deprived from me.

of course, it does not mean that i stop working for it. right? i am going to book for my third attempt at the driving test once my time table for the new school term is settled.

revision lessons will be decided soon. practice begins this sunday. studying should commence tomorrow. training has already begun. life started even before i knew i was alive.

hey peepz! this is going to be griping entry. haha!

anyway, i went for my driving test. and sad to say, i failed again. sigh.

shall not go into the nitty gritty details. too embarassing to divulge really. just: fierce tester, falling ill and tired and case of a nervous wreck. really, all the mistakes that i never committed i actually did it! argh. first time strike curb in vertical parking. when i normally throw caution into the wind, i was marked down for being too slow. hmm. mistakes to learn from i guess.

and to think i was getting confident, cos after the warm up, the instructor told me that if i drove like i did then, i should be able to pass. even yesterday, when i had a revision lesson, the instructor told me the same thing. haha! ah well. murphy's law.

what irritated me was that during the test route, when the tester told me to take an unexpected turn, i knew in that instant that i failed. and from then on, the feeling during the drive back was just crushing. one of the worst feelings. better than losing a db race. but still terrible nonetheless.

ah well. i am well accustomed to failure anyway. its just that i am just not accustomed to failing TWICE. haha! maybe i will strike it lucky the third time round?

today shall be my day of mourning. should feel better after i take a long long nap.

thanks to all those who wished me well, and thanks to all those who called to comfort me. i felt a lot better after that. thanks y'all.

hey peepz! i am back from the NUS Humanitarian Camp. it was supposed to be a camp for mainly freshmen. but because my sister is the organizer and they lacked people, and she asked me, so i, out of my kind heart agreed. even though i just finished the prime minister's cup barely 2 days ago.

at first i tried to get the guys from db to go. but because it would cost 55 dollars to participate, they were super relectant, despite the appeal of 30 over girls, and only 3 guys. ah well. maybe money IS more important than girls.

and so in the end, only i from the team went. and eventually made up one of the 3 male participants in the team. luckily, there were 3 more councillors on hand to rein in all the estrogen and bitching that went on in the camp. haha!

being one of 3 guys had its perks. one of the girls asked me in an ice breaker game if i was happy that there were so many girls. well, i thought the answer was quite obvious. haha! ah well. of course, it was quite hard too. for me to converse with members of the opposite sex. i am not really the conversant sort. i am more the, get drama and get people talking and then keep quiet sort. haha! ah well. usually i find myself running out of topics to talk about, or even to keep a conversation going when it comes to talking to girls. i really do wish that someone could just teach me how to converse.

well, talking to members of the same sex proved to be a lot easier. in order to save space, my wonderful sister had me bunk in with the other 2 guys in a twin room. i had to problem squeezing in of course. after all, we all went through ns. and hence, formed our common conversational topics. after that, i tried to psycho both of them to join dragonboat. haha! i just kept talking and talking about it. i just hope they would be interested enough to sign up at the matirculation fair. when my sister found out, she got quite pissed with me, because the camp was supposed to be an opportunity to recruit people into the club, and here i went poaching the guys into db. i wanted to poach the girls too. but i kinda stopped at the guys. of course, when the girls asked me about it, i simply obliged them with straight forward answers. hopefully, i mangaged to convince some of the girls to join. but most of them looked like the kind-hearted-i-really-want-to-help-people sort. db is an entirely different club, and it would be hard to have them both. i just tell them to do what they have a passion for, whether its to row a boat, or to do relief work in banda acheh or to join a hall or just to study.

so over those 4 days, we played a series of games that taught us things about team cooperation and stuff. most of the games, were really quite cool! some of the games were really disgusting though. one of the more memorable ones had to be one when we had to suck clean marshmellows that were covered with hershey's chocolate syrup mixed with ketchup. it was plain gross. the girls insisted on stopping. i thought it tasted like sour plums. of course, when you start thinking of the ketchup, you just lose your appetite. this was just one of the things that i had to eat. i was the only guy in the group you see, so being the macho brave alpha male, i volunteered to do everything downright disgusting, wet and dirty. there was one occasion when i had to eat 5 pretzels that went through the clothes of 3 girls and 1 guy. they were sort of soggy and saltier than usual. ah well. really surprised i did not get diarrhoea. on top of that, i had to do more of the manual labour and stuff. well, a guy had to do what a guy had to do.

but the girls were really swell. they were quite sporting ah well, totally immersing themselves into the spirit of the camp. very proud of them. and i hope they had lots of fun too.

in the evening, we had "theme" talks about volunteerism. the seniors showed us video clips about their expeditions, and they shared their experiences in volunteerism. some of the video clips were really touching, especially the one when they went to acheh for the tsunami relief efforts. the scenes were full of tragedy and emotions. many of them were lost, orphaned kids enjoying when playing with the relief workers. heard some continuous sniffing after that. i had a big headache and a bit of guilty conscious. because i questioned myself what was i doing myself. i am so lucky, doing nothing but studying and rowing my boat without putting as much efforts in the arena of volunteerism. i was being the materialistic, hedonistic bohemian.

at that point of them, it felt that i needed to simply abandon everything and jump straight into volunteerism. well, it was the same feeling i had at last years community service club's freshmen orientation camp as well. then, it really felt that i could it. but now, i cannot, simply because i have already adopted a lifestyle that i cannot simply recklessly and carelessly throw out of the window simply becuase my heart aches for the lonely, the poor, the helpless. i wish i could but i cannot. it was a crushing feeling. and yet...

anyway, i do hope that many of them would have decided to join the club and get involved with helping people. the world needs more people like them.

we also had to put up a short performance for the old folks at the kaki bukit moral centre. so my group put up a dance/song item to the ah niu's dui mian de nu hai kan guo lai. it was a funny item, and i was glad, it got the old folks laughing at parts and i really hope that they enjoyed themselves. the girls were great acting as hiao za bos. haha! after that, we mingled with the old folks. and i was talking to 2 grandmothers. i was quite scared. firstly cos i had no ability with hokkein or any form dialect and was not very convsersant with chinese, and second, i was afraid to talk to them about family. i was scared that at any point of them they would burst into tears and bewail about past tragedies. but now on hindsight, it occurs to me that these were 70 year old people who have gone through the world war and all sorts of possible hardship. they were hardened people. they werent going to just break down and cry there and then. if they were, they would have done it a long long time ago. i asked them if they liked to sing karaoke, but in the end, they insisted that i sing for them. so i went up and sang with some of the people. ended up singing the same song we danced to. haha!

after that, i felt like i need to call my own grandmother. these old folks were so called abandoned, and living alone in one room flats, with little visits from their own family. one of them did not even know where her own daughter stays. their grandchildren barely visits them. and i got all guilty again. becuase even though technically we did not abandon my grandmother, cos she insisted on staying in jurong when we moved to choa chu kang, i personally barely visit her. sigh. partly due to my commitments, partly due to my hedonistic and hermitic lifestlye. but i guess that is no excuse. i do know that she's fine and well though. so that is at least one comforting though.

the camp was really fun and enjoyable, thought-provoking and emotion-evoking. i made quite a number of friends that i am glad to say hi in school, and to stop to chat. so here's a big thanks to my new friends. i do hope that we can continual to keep in contact despite busy schedules: boisterous nishah, piano-prodigy shu en, autie dawn, relief teacher janice, martial artiste carmen, china-cute cheng ye evonne, the hiao jacqueline, the calm sabrina, frizzy haired ruth, the really lame vignesh, the teddy bear liren, the part timer zhikai, hou yi junda and dirty looker alvin. think i missed out a few more. so if you people do see me, please please please do stop me to say hi! of course, if you guys will discover where i usually hang out, do drop by as well, or see you on msn, if i ever come online that is. haha!

well, that's in a nut shell my experience in the camp.

on saturday, after that, i met up with melvin to buy presents for alex because it was his birthday. we were joined by jason, xiangyi and yoke, all of whom were apparently jioed by melvin. we walked and walked and finally settled on getting an army green addidas messenger bag and a yellow nelgene bottle for him. to me they were really nice. wished i had them for myself really. haha!

and so yesterday, a bunch of us, namely jason, xiangyi, gm, riesal, weimin, melvin, birthday boy alex, and i, gathered at marche orchard to celebrate. when i set the time to meet at 11, only gm and alex were on time, and the rest of us, expectedly were all late. but of course, fashionably late. so we chatted and made fun of each other as us db guys would do. we ate and had this really gorgeous, mouth watering death by chocolate cake that would satisfy even ms wen's chocolate craving!

after that, because it was raining really heavily, we simply walked round and round heeren looking at clothes (what else right?). we went to party world to ktv (jason's idea of course) while poor alex had to go to work. so much for a birthday celebration eh? haha! but hey! we put in alot of effort simply to get this many number of guys to come down. and alot of effort went into getting the presents! so alex, you better appreciate it.

but he's had a great birthday celebration this year. he had many many parties and lunches to celebrate his birthday. wish i had that many parties. haha! well, next up is baby mels' birthday. so. hm... we should be dunking him in the kallang river i guess. haha!

anyway, after the ktv, i went to queensway alone to repair my spectacles, which the day before, i conveniently stepped on. the frame bent and the lens flew out. i was so sad. i thought i had to change my beautiful 450 dollar oakley frame... i just sat there stoned and bereaving. luckily, the frame did not break into 2 like the last spectacles i stepped on. so they simply bent it back to its original position. felt as if my lost child had returned to my embrace. haha!

so here ends my 5 day adventures. later at 2 i will be having 2 back to back revision driving lessons. i am getting desperate, cos i my driving test is this thursday. argh! did i mention this is my second attempt. and just last week, i had my first revision in 6 months, since my last test. argh. why do i keep having the feeling that i am going to like mount curb or crash into another car while changing lanes. ZX told me before my first test that all men should be able to drive. bish bish. and i failed my first test. can you image the blow to my ego, my self esteem and not to mention my manhood. sigh. this second attempt may or may not break me. haha! but till then, i am going all out to conquer that. if we can win the PM cup, i can definitely pass a driving test!

after that i will have to rush for our db agm. so far we have only 3 candidates. all of whom are worthy of leading the team. i just wish that they have more confidence though. because i know that i will be supporting them. in fact i will be supporting whoever is willing to slog it out of the team, because i am. in fact, i think we all will. the year had been super exciting for the team. i am very expectant and simply anticipating the new season. i just keep wondering what will happen to the team. i got only 2 things on my mind right now. that is to be a lot stronger than the incoming batch of juniors and the second is to win the pm cup 2006. the journey will be long, tough and tedious. but i know, that at the end of it, whether victory or loss, it will still be all worth it.

so to the next captain and vice captain, i think i just want to say, that we will be behind you two all the way!

hey peepz!

i had my first driving lesson in 6 months today. haven touched the wheel since the day i failed my driving test. and realised that i am still going to fail the next one. but i was quite glad that today, at least, i did not buang the car, considering how long i rusted. my next driving test has been booked. and it will take place in 2 weeks. will i see another F staring in my eyes? oh dear. the guys are so going to laugh at me. i am laughing at myself already.

it feels alittle wierd not having to go for training. it just feels wierd not doing any physical exercise. i thought i was falling ill. felt like something was coming over me. a sense of dulled lethargy perhaps. and all these just because i did not exercise. sigh. better start runn9ing soon. or else turn fat like lin hui.

speaking of lin hui, he decided to pop by my place in the evening. was so nice to see him back again. came over the tokked alot of cock. felt like the ns days all over again. sharing his experiences in imperial college, uk, sharing my experiences in dragonboat. just glad to see a good friend alive and well.

the things that he shared, made me a little envious. the whole life is greener on the other side and stuff. the things he did (lots and lots of self gratuious sex, haha! kidding) and the places he travelled to (he joined the hiking club). made me feel that i am missing out on somethings. the things that i would love to do. the things i wish i could do. well, it has been working out nicely for the last year, that i wanted to row a dragonboat. so i am not really complaining. i am just wondering, what do i want to do in the future as well? so many things i guess. a few of them imclude participating in a marathon, a biathalon and a triathalon. others include reading all the books in my house. another is to get onto the deans list for at least one sem. maybe another, inspired by weiming, is so perform a convincing "cobra." wished i have more fashion sense. want to get a driving license. go back packing in europe. converse in japanese. help out the poor in a foreign country. go to student exchange programme. have a REAL good nights rest. be more charming, be more sociable, have more steadfast friends. living a decent, honest life, one that i wont regret. get married to a girl from sdu, have really intelligent kids who can play the violin and love tennis and pool and maybe row a dragonboat, and of course to retire rich. i dun need fame. i just wnat the money. i want to organize my room for once. and i want to change my glasses cos i swear, i am losing my sight.

shall start on fulfilling one goal today. tidy up my room.

its finally over, and it sure went off with a big bang.

all along, we had some really great rows, especially during the heats and semi finals. some near misses though, especially the mixed finals, when the team lost to ntu by 0.2 sec; and the tertiary open, when we lost to ntu by 0.6 and lost to ngee an by 0.2 to clinch the bronze. but the best prize and the only prize that we desired was the pm cup.

it was quite a tough race, cos both teams kept colliding, as ntu kept trying to push us off our course. then both teams tried to grab onto each others boats and tried to push the other back. there were alot of seperate incidents. for me, i guess, i was pulled by one of the rowers by my life jacket, so i was caught off balance. ah well. peeved, but forgive and forget i guess. afterall, we won. haha!

at the end of the day, its a competition. the fulfilment of one team's dreams, will inevitably lead to the demolision of the others. when we shook hands with each of them, many of them had tears in their eyes. we both worked so hard, for that one prize, and one of us must lose. if they won, we too, would be crying. i hope they dun bear grudges. one of them muscle men squeezed my hand so hard i thought he broke my bones. is this hate-hate relationship a inevitable consequence of an eternal rivalry?
what will the next year be like then? will it get worse? ah well, we will just have to see then.

in any case, i just want to say a big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big THANK YOU to all you guys! all 31 of you! to me, its does not really matter if we win or lose (actually thats a lie, but, be nice to me) its the journey that counts. every row, every stroke, every pull up, every run, every land training, every water session. they all added up to something. and it took races like this to realise that they added to a stronger sense of brotherhood. of course, they added up to the greatest reward of all for us, the pm cup trophy.

alas, with one end, commences another beginning. the seniors would be leaving and we will be stepping up as seniors. i always feel that we have really big shoes to fill, in terms of fitness and technique. no doubt that we have matured, but we really still have a long way to go. for instance, as seniors we need to a lot fitter and tougher than the incoming batch of juniors. as seniors, we need to display a certain level of maturity and standard that the juniors can look up to and aim for. my seniors have given me a lot inspiration. special mention goes to tony again, who was apparently feeling unwell, but still managed to push the midpack. also to dr mel, who has been sooo encouraging. he never fails to calm me down when he grabs my arm to assure me that he is physically there. also to alex, who kindly made the glucose, and was a lot more supportive. as well as to gm for making more jokes about me. and to teddy for coming down to help us look after our belongings despite a dislocated shoulder.

and so, here marks another fullstop in my neverending story. i wonder what the next sentence is going to say about my life.

guess its my turn to blog, after reading all my friend's entries.

yeah, today was the first day of the dragon boat festival cum competition. we had two heats today, mens open and tertiary open. we did well enough to come in first in both our heats. we all felt good. however, even so, they do not mean anything. these are just stepping stones to greater battles ahead tomorrow. and the greatest battle await us at 1730. i hope to find more inspiration and motivation tonight as we race down the final throes of our journey.

i wanted to just stay at home the whole day. but i got persuaded to go for a once-in-a-lifetime dinner with my platoon from ns. its been about a year since i saw them. and was really happy and glad to see them. they brought back so many fond memories. i told them, that i will row for them tomorrow as well. cos they were by first family of brothers. here's to the guys who went today, shafiee, ron, ore, joseph, rizuan, chong and wilson. i will row for them as well.

and so while they were chowing on sambal stingrays, and satays, i was eating an exhorbitantly priced chicken hor fun. sigh... the smells were so inviting, but i had to abstain. and it took all the mental will to do so. haha! after that they went to east coast park to catch up, while i had to go home and turn in early.

really glad i caught up with some of them.

really nice to hear that shiying, my sp from the csc camp, might be coming down to support us tomorrow. thanks girl! hope to find some more inspiration from you too! and hopefully from the throngs of supporters expected to turn up tomorrow! thanks guys for backig us up!

of course the biggest source of inspiration is from the team. they are really the greatest bunch i have met. they are like my second family of brothers. the brothers i wished had. haha! they are such an inspiration, especially to tony, the mid pack caller and regulator, and also to dr mel, who at my weakest points, spurred me on by calling my name during the row. also to baby mel, who is losing his voice encouraging us and pushing us on.

from young, i always had a problem with religion and the issue of "belief." i never knew what faith was. life to me was a day to day affair. people to me walk in and walk out. i did not know what it meant to fight for something. i did not taste fraternity or universal brotherhood, and to trust in solidarity. i dare say, that today, i think i may have tasted a bit of what it means to know that there are people there with you, and perhaps able to trust your life, values and dreams and goals with them. to know that they are there to support you, to protect you, to fight for you. cos they love to, cos they want to. and i am part of that as well. its not something that I want. its something that WE want.

right now, i dun know what life is going to be like after tomorrow. i am so focused on what is going to come up in the next 24 hours, that that is all i can think of right now. my future seems to literally lie in a day. and i am living my future out now. it seems as if everything hinge on these essential races, the things that we have worked to hard for a year. its something a year in the making. its do or die.

of course, we will have fun doing it at the same time.

okay, its time to lay down and rest. i will see you guys at the finish iine.

hey peepz. its really really late. so i will try to keep it short. i aimed to sleep at 10, but yeah, its 1130 now. got home at 11. ah well.

anyway, today was like the last official training for us. sigh. so sentimental. cap was almost tearing as he recalled his term of captaincy. it was really touching. and so was v-cap.

it made me think how much i will miss the seniors will they leave. sigh.

so many thoughts in my mind right now. but my sister's laptop is spoilt and needs to use mine. ah well.

good night everybody.

hey peepz. must make this quick. its eleven. and i aimed to be in lala land my 11. ah well.

anyway, just came back from a mini class gathering with jw and pq. ah well. its always nice to have us come together once in a while and talk about our fantasies. the amazing thing is that for 5 years, everytime we meet up, we will talk about money, food, travelling and cute guys/girls and when we are going to get married, have kids, blah blah blah. for me, its always so heart warming, cos its like a trip down memory lane as we talk about the past. but when we talk about the future, i begin to feel a lot of apprehensive and doubtful whether all the things we dream about will come true. for me at least. so many queries, and worries. ah well... perhaps, dreams should remain as dreams maybe? but we shall continue to work hard to set up our bookshop/coffe house shall we?

its been two nights in a row that i have continually dreamt of dragonboating. guess can figure out how much i keep thinking about this weekends race. ah well. din remember much. had a weird one where uncle sadu, the attendent at the sdba fell down and kicked the bucket. dun ask me why. i dun know him personally. i just have weird dreams. thats all.

okay guys, got to go now! thanks alot jw and pq for another precious memory. hopefully it too will not fade and be recreated in the future as a false memory.

oh oh oh. its coming closer.

hey peepz! feel very "bloggy" these few days. a lot of thoughts running through my head i guess. cant wait to pour them out and share with everyone, for better or for worse. and hopefully, it is for the better.

remember my new and beloved paddle bag and butt rest bag? took it down for training today. had to go early to pass ms wen back her jacket today. so, inevitably the entire girls team was there. stupid ms wen had to keep advertising my bag to every team mate who walked passed. actually, she was trying to divert their attention to her main topic. so as she cheerfully fluanted my bag, and as i stand shyly in one corner, they belted out their comments. some were good and some were bad. the worse hit comment was "so sissy." i din really know her, but yeah, it does look like a louis vuitton handbag, except only denim. haha!!! others thought it was really cute, cos no one else has a separate pouch made espcially for the butt rest. and its made with the same denim material with my paddle bag. its like an added accessories pouch. it looks really nice. in the end, i bought some carribinas to attach the pouch to the paddle bag, so it looks "cooler" and less of a handbag, and hence less "sissy." haha! at the end of the day, i will still flaunt them around, cos its made by my dear mother, and i am such a mothers boy. haha! but more importantly, i am very touched by my mom's actions, as to have gone the additional step to make a butt rest pouch. touch until can cry...

must say that ms chua's bag is also quite ingenious, cos she added padding at the bottom of her own bag to protect the blade. sigh, wish i had that idea. ah well, will have to take extra precaution then.

i realise that everyone in the team, both the guys and the girls are really proud of their paddles as well as their paddle bags. its something that we as dragonboaters can call our own i guess. just like the gun we had to carry with us everywhere we go, even to the toilet, we are treating our paddles the same. i wonder who sleeps with their paddles though, if anyone at all. and the bag too. the girls especially have taken to making their own. for instance, ms wen's is of a glaringly bright red to match her hair, new spectacles and loud voice, as well as her outgoing personality. most of the guys also took to getting their own paddle bags, whether its from their own mom, or from pq's mom, who is a seamtress, or even to making their own, like zijun. its really cool, cos everyone has their own unique paddle and paddle bag. however, the coolest i have seen is really justin's one. cos he spent sixty dollars buying the orange typhoon paddle cover from paddlesup. thats the one i thought of buying too, if not for my less than adequate cash reserves. his cover is thick and hence provides maximum protection. it has a strap that goes across the chest. and has a nice "long" motif. and not to mention, its orange, our nus colours. it really nice. ah well, but mine's handstitched with mu3 ai4. muahaha! i cant stop gushing of it.

anyway, saw the ntu guys and girls go down for their mixed training today. and it got me thinking, these guys and girls are our competitors. how good are they really? compared to us at least? all i know, is that they are a strong bunch, having beaten us in regatta by an impressive last charge, and had the fastest qualifying time in the first heats of mr500. of course, our winning timing was faster than theirs by 1 second, but that's besides the point. each individual is super muscular, as in, they have bodies any narcisstic guy would love to have. i remember gm was stunned that even their reserves were really "kiat." i dun know much about their stroke or team though, although i would like to understand their team dynamics more. and so i thought, that they may be our competitors, but at the end of the day, they are also only like us, undoubtedly lovable and friendly. i wonder if we can become friends? personally, i bear no personal hatred to them, for i dun know any of them personally. haha! and yet, they are the same people with whom we will have to battle with for glory and honour. it feels like a raffles versus acs rugby match. haha! ah well. i wonder if nus and ntu could do a cultural exchange of some sort, you know, like get to know each other better, cos afterall, we are all brothers with the same passion for a common sport. actually, all i really want to find out, is how do they train until they look so muscular. muahaha! think i am one of them narcisistic man abovementioned.

i remember nassiman, our coach said that, everyone who participates in the competition deserve to win. simply because they too, like us have poured blood, sweat and tears into a passion. they have devoted time, effort and money into rowing a boat together. and i respect each and everyone for that, be it ntu, ngee ann or republic poly. at the end of the day, perhaps, as jiahe mentioned, its not about who is stronger physically, or rowing technique, but it really is all about heart. and undoubtedly again, everyone on that race day, will pour nothing short of their entire heart, body and soul into their own race. we will just have to see, which team will emerge the "heartiest" one of them all.

anyway, just a little advertisement, the competition will be held on the 2nd and 3rd of july, this saturday and sunday. if you can only make it on one day, please come on the 3rd, around the evening time, cos it will be the main events, ending off with the grand finale, the pm cup, the long awaited nus-ntu match.

also, welcome back all you foreign singaporeans from us and the uk, taking a long long break from your respective prestigious overseas universities. so nice for all of you to return and see your dear o parents before you scoot back to wherever you came from to havoc and continue your orgies and sinful, flippant enjoyments of life. haha!
welcom back dear dear lin hui, weiyi and valerie. hope you guys have a pleasant holiday. hope to see each of you soon!

okay. i have to sleep early now. this is in preparation for the competition.

oh, i think the race is really getting to me now. every dream i remember dreaming from last night is about dragonboat! argh!

ah well, hope tonight will be a better night! good night!

i am super irritated with myself really.

went to the optrician. had an eye test. my degree went up! by a lot! and my astigmatism went leap-bounded up 100 points! argh!!! the guy was like, "your left eye is sooo off." i was like, stunned, and like wtf. what you mean by off??? i was quite scared. thoughts of gloucoma, or blindness or whatever disasterous eye conditions i could possibly have. and suddenly i visualized myself as a blind man with a white can needing people to guide me by my arm in order to cross the road. ARGH! i got really frightened there.

sigh. so now, i will have to change my lens. on my way back home, it suddenly occurred to me that i may need to change my contatct lens too! argh! another 200 dollars down the drain! cos i just bought a years supply just 2 months ago!!! crap. i got so angry with myself for not taking care of my eyes. and then again i wonder what could have caused such rapid degradation? a sems worrh of studying? or is it staring at the computer too long? or it may be my current contact lens which has no astig. argh. too many possibilities.

and so in my frustrated mode, i decided to go on retail therapy. well, i was at queensway, so let the auntie in me unleash her fury!!! muahaha!!! anyway, i spent 50 dollars on a new pair of nike aqua shoes, cos my current one has sprung a hole in the right toe, and has ceased to function properly as a supportive aqua shoe. i like my shoes by the way. but i foresee many many people coming to me to criticise them. either for the high cost, or the lack of fashion sense. ah well, for me it was simply about time to get a new pair, and for me, it really means, just do it. felt a little better. and now i am more confident that with my new pair of aqua shoes, we will win this week ends' competition! muahaha!!! beware the nike aqua shoes.

oh, and one more thing. my mom finished making me a paddle bag! haha! i was so happy. i know that many people have derived the joy of making their own paddle bag. i just want my mom to as involved in my desolate life as possible i guess. also, i am just really lazy and cant sew for nuts. the cutest thing that my mom made was a seperate bag for my butt rest! muahaha! i almost wanted to wake my mom up and like kiss her. but shes already sleeping, and i am not the kissy sort of son. and the butt rest case is of the same material of my paddle bag! so matching! the only problem is carrying it cos, they are seperate and not that convenient to carry them both simultaneously, but i shall try by best to do so!

today was a hmm. day. shant go into any details. caught batman begins though. really good show. i recommend watching it. a nice, dark beginning i should say. batman is probably the most complex of all the superheroes i know. cos he din come about with super powers like super man, or was he imbued with genetically modified powers like spiderman. He had to go through what, 7 years of living in the dumps, to find his calling? batman is so full of humanity, so full of angst, so full of revelation, so full of emotions. and he din have no loius lane or mary jane watson. rachael left because she knew he had become unreachable. its so sad. the sacrifice of human relations for a noble ideal of goodness and justice. i wonder if i have the same capacity to do the same. maybe i must go through 7 years of terror before i will have the courage to do the same.

furthurmore, the villains are so cool, good o immortal raz gul. haha! looks like the cartoon character too! moustache and all. and the last part when he revealed the true him, was such a clever twist in plot! but i doubt he died anyway. he never died in the cartoon series, doubt he did either in the movie. scarecrow was a little disappointing though. was hoping to see his scythe. haha! the flaming horse was quite the cool sight though.

alfred is always a pleasure to watch. you never gave up on me do you? never. and the way he said "never" is so inspirational. and christian bale carried out his character really well. so full of scars. he played the playboy really well. esp. the part when he bought over the hotel. i so wish i could be rich enough to do that. i have one bone to pick though, whats with the low, husky voice when he don the cape? i know he has to disguise the voice, but couldnt he do it a little more, erm, how should i describe it? not really "sexy", but more like that in the cartoon. more "composed"? more "suave"? i dunno. ah well. its definitely the best out of the franchise. its a lot deeper than simply killing the bad guys and bedding the babe.

the show aint "james bond" glamourous, but its definitely stamped its mark as one of the better superhero movie. better than X men or daredevil or electra or whatnot. now we will just have to see if fantastic 4 could outperform batman, even though i aint putting much hope in being that fantastic.

another day has passed towards the pm cup. was on the bus, and kept thinking about it. caught the jitters and could not sleep at all. had a headache in the end. am i anxious? oh definitely. am having so many thoughts and so much emotions about this weekend. am glad to see everyone getting so excited and passionate about it.

just want to do it i guess. dun want any more excuses, or anymore reasons. this is the crunch time. its do or die.

hey peepz!

stayed at home the whole day and slept slept and slept! feeling alittle more rejuvenated now.

so its another 6 more days to the ultimate race. trying not to think about it. think everyone is getting the jitters already. pray pray pray hard.

i have more people to thank and be thankful about in this entry.

thank you ms wen who lent her beloved ivp jacket. i am very grateful, because i used her jacket to make me sweat when i was having a fever. so without it, i might have died.

thank you ms chua, for helping me ask ms wen for the jacket! and on behalf of baby mel, thank you for the cable, of which, the design for the singlets would have been impossible.

thank you xiangyi for providing the more frightening moments of my stay in the camp. he scared me by calling my name from behind a corner, and that totally freaked me out in the scary corridors of old kr.

thanks to johnny for constantly reminding us what it means to be focused and serious.

thanks to marcus for showing us what he's got, and what he obviously doesnt have. work on it brother! kidding. you are strong. no doubt about that.

thanks to keagan for sitting in front of me. i find him quite a good rower to shadow. feel bad for scratching him though.

thanks to tat for telling me about the dragon in the sky. it was truly, for me quite a hair standing sight.

thanks to sean for taking such nice photos of us. and speaking of photos, where are the rest of the photos from the team?!

thanks to yoke hian. for many many reasons, humour, inspiration, everything.

thanks to baby mel, alex, gm, pq, riez, winston, jason, ah fu, douglas, noel, xiangyi, teddy, weiming, yanming, and the rest of the juniors and seniors!

thanks to my mom who is making a paddle bag for me.

thanks to my dad who is always so supportive.

thank the Lord for making all things possible.

hey peepz!

just got back from my training camp. shack. and sick.

it was a good camp. lots of training. lots of bonding. until i fell sick all of a sudden, and starting missing training sessions, and feeling all guilty in bed.

in any case. it was also a camp of much laughter, happiness, sadness and depressison. lots of agitation, lots of passion. lots of questions and lots of answers.

a few things i would take back with me personally, probably will be the fire i felt within the boat, lots of muscular bodies doing the cobra, lots of humour, and more blood and sweat derived from each push, each pull, each cheer and each scream as we race towards the finishing line in a weeks time.

thanks my room mate and friend alex for taking care of me when i was sick.

thanks ms chua for the sweets.

thanks the myanmar family for all the laughter.

thanks dr mel for all the inspiration.

thanks tony for all the calling.

thanks weiming for showing us how to embody muscularity and shamelessness simultaneously.

thanks to my brothers for the comaraderie and the love.

thanks all.

hey peepz!

i think i am losing it. my eyesight that is. as i sit in front of my laptop, i think i am seeing double vision. i confirm my left eyesight has degraded. sigh. does it mean i have to change my spectacles again? but i just bought my wonderful, beautiful 450 dollar oakley frame just last year after i orded! no!!!! boo hoo... guess i have been stuck in this chair for way too long. and to think i negelected all those health advertisements about taking a break from the computer after 30 minutes and staring out into the distance. its a huge price to pay.

this reminds me of a korean mtv my sister showed me a few weeks ago. its quite a famous song, think its from that autumn show. its about a photographer guy giving up his eyes for the girl who got blinded by some photography chemicals. sigh. it was so sad. cos he donated his eyes anonymously to her and left on his own. then one day, she met him and realised the truth about the man in shades. she helped pick up a photo of herself and returned it to him, while he simply bowed in thanks and walked away. oh no! heart breakz. i always thought, being the self-sacrificial me, that i would one day donate my eyes to someone else and live a life of darkness as well... wah. then its going to be like di4 xia4 tie3. haha!!! like that show too.

anyway, tomorrow marks the start of our training camp. ooo... its going to be hell week! its going to be training in the day, training in the night. haha! i foresee lots of sweat, blood and possibly tears. i hope to survive it.

there was alot of emphasis of team spirit, one stroke, defending the championship, the feeling of losing, having a focus, having small goals, fighting for one another, communication within packs. there are so many things to think about, so many things to ponder, to soul-search. everyone has a point. everyone has something to say.

i guess its time to sort out my own jumbled thoughts too.

but first, i have to pack, for the gruelling week ahead!

have fun guys! and pray i get back stronger, fitter and a better team player!

hey peepz. its 2 am in the morning. i am getting my hair dried before i turn in. just got back barely 30 minutes ago from work.

today was my first banquet. it was quite interesting. got gan a few times again. i could not portion the food with one hand with a fork and spoon. so my "senior" june had to do the portioning, which was not her original role. ah well. the manager had to jump in and help. quite pai seh. then after everything, i helped a female server, a complete stranger, by pulling and laying out a large table cloth. just as about i was walking back to my area to put back the lazy susan, the manager called me and asked if i had finished all my chores. i told him i was going to put back the lazy susan. and he called me a busy body for helping the female server. i was like huh? i was going to finish my part anyway, whats with a little helping hand? ah well. although i tried not to take it personally, it stayed as a sting in my heart. i guess, i would have to think twice before helping others from now on.

think that manager hates me. i seem to have a bad thing going on with superiors. i hit a really bad note with one of my bslc sergeant, and then another one with my aslc sergeant. ah well. seems like everywhere i go, somebody somewhere must hate me, be it my face, my attitude, or my actions. haha! well, i try to brush it off though. cant please everyone now can i? but with my cute face and positive attitude? really man, somehow somewhere, there must be something wrong with me. haha!

there was a theft at the sdba today. i was shocked. cos the last person with the key to the shed where all the money was stolen was ME! that makes me the prime suspect! and you know, all the thoughts just ran wild and crazy in my head. i sort of feel guilty. sort of feel as if i am to be blamed for this misfortunes. and to makes things feel worse for myself, i am feeling as if all the misfortunes in the world must be due to my sole existence. haha! okay, thats a bit too far, but you get the picture for this o' pessimistic man.

speaking of man, the manager kept calling me "boy." sigh.

was kept so busy on my feet the whole evening and night. and suddenly, after the banquet, plunged into a short period of depression. think i shall have to sleep it off. tomorrow still got training. tomorrow still got run. tomorrow still got another day to figure out.

its ironic, that the more i kept hoping, and praying, and yearning for the simple life, it gets more and more complicated, more and more complex; entangled and entwined with the mechanics of luck and fortune, with the fragility and conflict of human relations, with the out-of-control spiralling of an uncontrollable mind.

i hope that thief gets a horrible death. i pray that the manager trips and fall one day. i hope i will learn to portion the food properly. i pray that dr melvin gets well soon! i pray that everyone will have harmonious friendships with one another. i pray we win pm cup.

tomorrow will be a better day. i am putting my faith in that.

hey peepz!

today, i actually stayed home the whole day. wow. it has been a long time since i ever did so really. for about 98% for the last weeks, it has always been waking up to train, train, train. today, i decided to stay at home.

actually the only reason why was because i came down with a sore throat. when it comes to sore throats, i become super paranoid. sore throats are the harbingers of more disasters to come. sore throats always precedes other illness, especially fever, cold and flu. sore throats are always uncomfortable. i cant breathe nor eat nor drink properly. i hate falling ill. i believe that prevention is definitely better than cure. it beats staying in bed for 3 days feeding on antibiotics and sweating out the heat under 2 layers of blankets and downing mouthfuls after mouthfuls of water, only to go to pee until your knees get so weak you have to grab enough support from the wall just to stand and piss. yes. i have been through all those one too many times to want to go through them again and again. furthurmore, once you fall sick, all those muscles start to atrophy, you begin to lose stamina, and the next time you try to run 5 kilometres, you would feel you were dragging some invisible deadweight along with you.

so yeah. sore throats are evil. they must be stopped.

so i drank a lot more water, took some chuan bei pi ba gao, some strepsils and tried to sleep as much as i could.

i felt really sad when so many people were inviting me out to have fun or gym and stuff. its always so regretful to have to reject people, only to stay in bed all alone in the house. ah well.

but i am better now. at least i can swallow my saliva knowing that i dun have a sore throat. i do have a headache now though, due to excessive sleep. ah well. the price i had to pay.

from now till the race, i have to keep myself sane and healthy as part of my personal responsibility. cannot fall ill, cannot injure myself, cannot eat nasty foods (but my dad HAD to make curry chicken for dinner. ah well, will have to make up for it by going for more runs later), cannot sleep late, drink more water, eat more protein, train more, run more, skip more, swim more, read more on inspiration and mental preparations. wow. so many things to do. guess, will have to start by cleaning up the room.

next week is training camp. wonder what it is going to be like. according to the itinery, its training and more trainng. so guys, i wont be around the whole of next week. have fun without me then!

yesterday was one hell of a tiring day. and here is a concise narration.

yesterday started out with training. running to the third bridge. it was a good run. until half way, i started to get stitch in my right abdomen. my stride got smaller and smaller. i really wanted to give up there and then. lucking my senior zi jun was there behind me and kept pushing me. even by pushing me with his hand. thanks man! really appreciated that.

the rowing sets felt great. it seemed that the morale and the attitude straightened up after the trip. one exciting incident was that in one set, after the row, everyone simply laxed due to the maximum effort. the boat rocked uncontrollably and water started gushing in. the boat was actually sinking. i was in shock because i slipped off my seat and my right knee hit the seat in front of me. stunned, i did not know what to do, except use my hands to fruitless try to bail the water out. haha! then i simply jumped off the boat. luckily the boat did not sink, and the ntu team came along and rescued us by lending us their two bailers. we brought down only one. lucky for our "enemies", we were saved. haha!

after training, i went for my first part time job ever in my entire life, the banqueting at conrad. fortunately or unfortunately, the function was not their banquet, but a party at a club called DXO at the esplanade. i was quite shocked cos i did not really expect that. lets just say it was quite a very long day with a few surprises along the way. i got scolded a few times because i lapsed as the "model" conrad waiter there and then. those were quite embarassing times. other than that, i made quite a few friends among the waiters and waitresses. i got to see a lot of rich people shamelessly flaunting their wealth. i saw a few female escorts who were there to "lighten" up the atmosphere. relax. it was not sleezy or anything. it was quite the high class, professional party for executives. i was quite amazed how tall and erm, sexy(?) they can be. they were oozing with sex appeal. of course, that was their job, so who could blame them right? they were in fact quite the interesting sight.

anyway, i was assigned a job, but in the end i did not carry that out. i was transferred from one area to another as the situation deemed fit by the managers. i ended up working in the open air area clearing plates and serving alcohol, while gm was downstairs having nothing to do but get phone numbers of other girls. a new friend, zhiyong called it my "fire of initiation." it felt like the fire of hell really. it was a really tiring day. i did not sit since 530 in the evening save for a ten minute break (which i believe was rare) until 2 in the morning when we got back and finished unpacking all the equipment. i only mangaged to get home at 3, slept at 330 in the morning, and had to wake up 4 hours later to go for training in the day.

it was quite the exciting day for me. i still have plently more to come. ah well.

okay, time to bathe and sleep again. good night peepz!

ciao!

heya peepz!

i woke up really late this morning with one hell of an aching back, a near immobolized left arm and a lost voice. i could bare scratch my back with my left arm, and worse, i could not scream in any sort of agony. argh! took lozenges after lozenges. hopefully, i will be able to sleep that pain away tonight.

will have to bath and pack and sleep soon. no sooner have we touched back down in singapore, do we have to resume training again tomorrow! and i still have to wake up at the horrid 6 am.

read that there is going to be a time trial for us! its quite the daunting thought. i never had a time trial before... whats it like, what will happen? its like another judgement day. is my stroke effective? am i an effective rower? it shall be revealed next week. better pray harder now.

hey, its our dear jingwen's birthday this sunday! happy birthday girl! so happy for you, you are now one year older at the grand ripe age of 22! i wish that all your wishes of unlimited travelling, buffets and rich hunnky ang mohs be fulfilled!

my parents screamed at me at the mess that i created from unpacking my luggage last night, and i have done nothing to rid them of this mess. ah well. think that the fetid compost is going to be there for a long while.

yeah! i am going to work at conrad tomorrow! its was quite unexpected. cos of them pulled out last minute, and gm was kind enough to ask me if i wanted the slot. i think i was so desperate, to have agreed so easily. this work better be worth it. haha!

i hope everyone in the team are getting their groove back for training. i felt the lethargy when i struggled to wake up this morning. its going to be another intensive battle this next weeks!

i wanted to add a few more memories that i was fondly reminescing this afternoon. melvin falling sick, my times with alex, my times with ms wen and ms chua, my times with mel and gm, and dr mel and pq, the lusty and unabashed desires by a certain lady, the turbulent plane ride back, the eye pain i got after taking out my contact lens, the penang laksa, the one armed hero teddy. there are still many many more, but i guess, they are lost among the stream of memory now...

"its not how big the dog in the fight, but how big the fight in the dog."

hey peepz! i just got back about 2 hours ago from penang. quite glad to be back home i guess. it felt as if i had been away for a very long time when it was only for 4 days. unfortunately, when i got back home, everything just suddenly felt familiar again. nothing change.

where is that new life i was hoping that would miraculously appear??? haha! i guess i was expecting too much.

anyway. the trip was quite fruitful. i wish i had brought a travel journal there. but even if i did, i probably did not have the time to write in it. it was quite rushed. we came, we flew, we checked in, we trained, we rushed our "touring", we rushed to our comepetition, we paddled really really really really really fast, and we left in a hurry and we are back here in singapore.

many of us came back with tao sa pia and little gifts. but most importantly, all of us came back with fond memories and great experiences.

i shall immortalized some of them by mentioning the more notable ones, at least those to me.

the most vivid memory i guess will have to be the races i competed in. the stress, the fears, forced smile to keep myself calm, the near tears i thought i was going to have before the row, the psyhing up, the cheering for each other, the heavy breathing, xiangyi calling out my name, the countless number of strokes i tried to reach for, the shouting, the screaming, the support we gave each other, the pushing, the pulling, the choking right after the race, the dried throat, the numb right forearm. i think i almost cried in the second set. but i didn't. haha! calm and composed.

then after that, i guess it will have to be the 12 men crew race mens finals. it was a clash between the titans from myanmar and indonesia. it must be mentioned that those guys are monsters. and i literally mean monsters. they are huge and super strong. i thought they could break my bones with their bare hands! some of them walk on the scorching tarmac without squinting in pain! well, in that particular race, i was betting on the indonesians to win, cos they had an exceptional track record. in that race, the indonesians were leading all the way until the last part when myanmar suddenly gained a lot of momentum and caught up. then, it seemed that indonesia went into their own last charge and threatened to take the race, but myanmar held out strong and won by probably a hair length. it was an exhilirating race! my hair was standing on it ends. wow.

the next memory, will probably how i felt the girls and guys seem to be getting along better now then before. the mixed team got into the finals!! i was so happy for them. in their semis, they went off course, but in the last minute, melvin steered them back, and they came up with an exceptionaly charge to beat the next boat to grab the second place and a spot in the finals! someone said, that that was a great manifestation of the fighting spirit. and i must agree. it was a good fight! a wonderful race and i was very proud of them. at first, some of us were skeptical about how far the mixed team would go, considering that we had a single half an hour practice, the difference in stroke styles and the so called tension between the sexes. jason said that what seems to be lacking is really the communication needed to cooperate and work as a team. i hope that this is a symbol that we are communicating better and that we are supporting each other as a team. and i really hope that things will get a lot better in the future.

other than those, there were a few other very memorable memories for me. the going over to melvin's and gm's room to chit chat, the going out to the pasar malam, the eating steak at the ship, jason accidentally refomatting his video cam, the taking the lift, looking at all the other teams, making fun of all the other teams. it was really a great trip for me personally.

the cap said that we should take our subsequent trainings with a brand new attitude. one with added insight and experience from our rows, from our victories and defeats, from our debriefs and such. there are really a few key ingredients that we should have if we want to stand any chance of winning future races: discipline, heart, controlled aggression and effective strokes.

i learned that we need all of them together as a team. and i learned that i am capable of each of them. i know that we as a team are capable of all of them.

i really hope that this will motivate us and spur us on! go nus! jia you! whoosh!

hey peepz! shall type one last blog before i log off before my trip to penang over the week end.

the db team is going to penang to participate in an overseas competition! woo hoo! its kind of exciting really. its more exposure in the sport, and at the same time we get to see teams from other countries. see what their stroke is like, their style. and you know, stuff. heard the myanmar national team is going. its kinda imtimidating. then again, cap said that its really more like a training exercise for all of us. the main aim is just to see, learn, come back and beat the crap out of our opponents in the PM cup.

i really hope that we can at least win a medal or something from penang though. something of justify our existence perhaps? haha! well, perhaps its just for the fun of it.

whenever i think about a competition, i keep getting reminded of the aunties of the breast cancer foundation, who were there at regatta and MR 500. when i saw them row, i felt nothing but admiration for these ladies. they are survivors of the unjustified curse of cancer. and they are here bonded by a common struggle for life itself, competing in a race that they know they can never win, but yet, they still fight. they fight as if for a celebration of life itself. i always feel so proud of their fighting spirit. they are out there to win, but they are fighting a different battle of medals, trophies and titles. they are out to conquer death, out to beat back fear, out to proclaim their appreciation, their admiration, their gratitude for life. and they do it in a heartwarming, challengling way, by rowing a dragon boat. and mind you, it is NOT easy rowing a dragon boat. and for them, everytime they cross the finishing line together, even if last in their heats, they still cheer. their friends and family cheer for them on the shore, they cheer for each other in the boat, and they cheer for themselves.

kudos to them. maybe, one day, if i get striken by something of that sort, and manage to survive, i will also, join such a society, and perhaps too, row for my life.

of course, we are talking about a bunch of hot blooded young men and women fighting for glory and honour. we are fighting for another anecdote to add to our own illustrous history. we too are fighting for a higher purpose. we are also fighting for each other, cheering each other on. we have a goal and i hope we will get there together.

"success means doing ordinary things extraordinarily well." -- jim rohn

ciao!

hey peepz. just go back less than hour ago or so. really shack now.

went on a shopping spree with alex. woo hoo! we went to check out the asics shops at ps. they are clearing out, so i wanted to check out the running shoes on discounts there. they have saucony shoes! wow. its not easy to find them. or at least, i din really bother to search for them. yao swears by them. he's one of their biggest fan. he's a middle distance runner back in jc, so i have my trust and faith in his judgment. so i went ahead and spent 150 dollars on it. and it was on a 20% discount! wow. i was so happy.

when i reached home, i was quite excited to tell my dad about it. cos i have been telling him i was going to buy a new pair of shoe all week long. the first thing he responded was, "60 dollars ah?". diaoz... and i thought to myself, "and so it has started..." the money game that is. no dad, its 150. where did you get it? asics at ps. asics? and he said it with a note of cynicism. and so when i showed it to him, the first thing he said was, "the heel is too hard." diaoz diaoz. i felt a dark cloud looming above my head. and so, he launched into a lecture about running shoes...

what a bummer. to be so proud of something, only to have my judgment criticized. thinks its the 150 dollars that put him off. my dad is the sort of person who would rave and rant about the 10 cents wantan mee in his days compared to the 4 dollars version now... yeah. i bet you guys get the picture.

and what would i expect to hear from my dad after that, was the doomed question. "so how much do you have left in your bank." the dark cloud gathered faster. thought i heard a crack of thunder... "not much right?" and he proceeded to launched into a sterner lecture about saving money, and blah blah blah. not that i disrespect my dad. i simply heard that lecture one to many times. i think i am that sort of rebellious kid, that the more my parents talk about saving money, the more flippant my attitude towards it is. i am gone case. really. really gone case.

anyway, in view of the fact that the teaching agency did not respond to my pleas and cries, i decided to give the banquet thing a try. the very banquet at conrad hotel that po qin quit. think desperate, i am.

its not wonder that my money is flying out of my bank like caged pigeons who have never seen daylight. i have been spending them on whatever nonsenses. of course, most notably is my mph warehouse insanity. then i bought a few clothe articles, which probably amounted to quite a considerable sum as well. then i bought a few bottles of addidas soap, because several people, of whom i shant mention names, have been "borrowing" from me. "ge gao..." and now, I bought a new pair of shoes, and a another shirt and what nots. sigh. really gone case. i will be a pauper in the future. "you must take care of your finances, when i am gone..." my dad's words ringing in my head.

really gone case.

i really am not very into all the philosophical stuff. i think my brain is really too simple, and too ill equipped to grasp the metaphysical structures of life, society and human relations. all i can think about is how to fill my bank with money and how to keep it there. all i can think about is how am i supposed to pull my cap up, which is hovering too dangerously close at the border line. all i can think about is how to survive the next day without another major crises banging on my door. all i can think about is how to maximise my happiness and minimize my sadness and pain. i am utilitarian trying to breath under the sea of life.

right now, my eyes are just droopy. and my body cries for the simple pleasure and healing powers of sleep. i pray God has his plan all laid out for me for tomorrow. and i hope it will be a smooth one, no depression, no criticisms, no disappointments, no hurtful remarks, no rejections, no dao responses. no none of that! i just want smiles, and happy faces, and joyful cooperations, and harmonious living. yes. i want the perfect day where the sun will shine and the flowers will bloom, and the clouds are just nice over our heads while we row the perfect set in synchroncity, and doing it under 2 minutes. yes. it will be the best day of my life. and i can die happy.

oh. and i want to go to the GNC clearance sale tomorrow.

gone lah. gone case.

shant say that much about the results. i did okay. guess i got what i deserved. good enough to justify all the hard work. bad enough to justify all the lack of it.

there's not much point in dwelling on it so much. sure, it may not feel that good when you hear someone else do better than you, and you may feel a little better about yourself when you hear yourself do better than someone else. i heard so much about both sides, and experienced both emotions. its only natural. but at the end, really, who cares right? the sensation was but a fleeting moment, and the score is but another full stop in the never ending story of your life.

after a good day of exercise, to relief all the pent up frustrations, i guess, its time to lay all my burdens to God and lay my head to rest. the heart will sing, and the mind will soar, and tomorrow is going to be another day to conquer.

had a good swim too. after a very long time. alex was supposed to swim too, but he pang seh me to save another friend. isnt he the noble sort? haha! indeed. ah well, and so in the end, i same a good 40 laps. need to start preparing for my life guard refresher course in july, when it will be swim, swim and more swim. woo hoo.

in the evening, met up with shiying to test-run the csc camp's fright night. was there to be a test subject, a scream-o-meter. it was fine. was not that scary. alot of darkness, a lot of loud noises. oh, and i got hit in the face by a flying teddy bear tied on a string. ah well.

ended up quite late. they were doing debrief. i realise that it is quite hard to do a fright night. but it can still be done. it needed a lot of make up and a lot of props. i remember alex is in charge of his arts camp fright night as well. all the best to him and his project! hope it will turn out to be a success.

and so this marked the end of another long, exciting, not that fruitful day. the books on my shelf remain untouched. i have GOT to get down to reading them.

random quote of the day:

"Ooooh. Ahhhh. Get out."
--Andrew Dice Clay's impression of a one-night stand.

ciao!

i am runing away from reality. haha!

thats because i could choose to turn to the school web site to check out my results for semester two. but i refuse. i cant bare it. i cant stand looking at some disasterous results only to remain stunned, and bring a living nightmare into the realm of dreams, that is if i manage to fight down the depression to go into sleep in the first place. haha!!!

and so, i have come up with the plan to reveal my results tomorrow morning, immediately following which, i shall watch the 137th episode of naruto. and then head for the gym or something of that sort to pound all the iron and angst away! good plan eh? i wonder if that would be sufficient though. may need to like break a few plates or vandalise something to appease all the foreseen frustrations.

surprisingly, i am not feeling all that nervous this time round compared to the last sem. i dont know why. maybe its because i deliberately shelved it in one dark corner of my memory. until today, when i realise that my own results will be released in the afternoon. i am really afraid.

everyone keeps telling me that i will do well, simply becasue they always see me in the law corridor. wow. thats like i am smart simply because i am holding a book. usually i pay no attention to such remarks, because i have to forgive them for their own ignorance, for what they do not know, what they do not see. in that corridor, that i so often frequent. it does not just have a history of academic diligence, it contains many many moments of disruptions, of mini crises, of mosquito bites, of heat waves, of turmoils and emotions. but of course, of wonderful company, of great conversations, of fabulous friends. i am not just a nerd who does nothing but sits and studies. only that not many people can understand me, and nor do they know what has happened in my life. so they tend to make sweeping statements. i dun blame them. cos i do that too! haha! i make generalisations, only to realise that they are not only unwarranted, they are also unjustified, and unfairly uncalled for.

of course, i would wish that all the effort that i have put in the last semester will pay off in the form of some decent grades. only God knows, and i want to believe, that i will get what i deserved.

in any case. for those who already got their results so far, i hope they can be satisfied with it, and map out the plans, where they will have to keep moving from where they stand. and when i get mine own, i will do that too.

argh! its like 9 days since the interview for the teaching job. i have almost given up hope. time to turn to the classifieds for a job. if not, i will have to turn to the horrible banqueting that gm and the rest have so terribly described! ew. ew. ew.

after todays training, gm, alex and i went to dhoby ghaut for lunch. ate at subway and had some rochor road tau hui. wow. i love it. its really smooth and sweet. so unlike anything i have eaten. definitely better than the schools. but the portions are small. still worth the money i should say.

after that, we went to my favourite leisure spot! the snookerium at paradiz! woo hoo! i.e. we played pool. actually, its was gm and i who played pool, while an exhausted, tired, aching alex slouched in one corner and promptly and amazingly fell asleep. he had work in the evening. what i thought was remarkable was that in such a noisy, loud and uncomfortable place like a pool parlour, alex still managed to sleep quite soundly, with his mushroom hair drooping over to cover his face. haha!

and so, gm and i had a show down! muahaha!!! had been wanting to find a competitor for such a long time! someone to qie. someone of a higher standard than me. but not that high. someone i hope to manage to beat! zaixiang is one of them. someone i would want to play seriously against and hope to beat soundly! zx, you better watch out! haha!!! anyway, so gm and i played. it was fine. we played six rounds. i told him that he played really well. in that one round when we wagered a drink, he played super well, and potted the black ball with 4 of my own still on the table. but i still beat him in 4 games. ah well. haha! hope to play more soon! maybe i will be as crazy as the period after ns. play everyday... wah... those were the days man....

now, i am broke. must watch my expenses. haha!!!

okay, time to go and sleep. tomorrow, i foresee, will be one hell of a day!

"i never forget a face, but in your case i'll be gald to make an exception." -- groucho marx.

what am i doing here? blogging away? basically i came online to check my miw about my little holiday to penang... apparently everything i did yesterday, seemed to have vanished. so i had to like recheck the procedure to see if i did everything correctly, and do it all over again. hopefully, i will get them right this time.

i am very concerned because i would like everything to be a smooth sailing for me, rather than to come back and get in trouble with the authorities in a matter of 3 days. better to be safe than sorry i guess.

yesterday, ms wen, ms lim, gm and i went about walking around orchard after my little fiasco at borders. whenever i walked around orchard, i always wondered if i would ever meet any of my friends. because its really rare that i ever. however, in yesterday's little outing, i actually met YX in front of wisma, Junhao in front of taka, and JC at sakae sushi. wow. what an amazing coincidence. how cool is that.

anyway, we went to topman, to look for clothes for me. i needed a fashion make over. in the end, it was gm who bought a 46 dollar peach collared Tee. he looked really good, or so the girls raved and drooled as they dished out the comments like Mother Teresa was with here kindness. i just stood there and nodded in amazing ignorance. haha!!! and so we walked in search of that elusive shirt that would fit me. i did not like most of the shirts anywhere. wanted to get a muscle tee from num, but there was no size for any of the more "decent" shirts there. in the end, we wandered in to fourskin, and i tried on a few shirts. the service there by this malay chap was absolutely rotten. but ah well. even though i was quite apprehensive about this white shirt will pink words "bill" and "ding", i got it in the end, cos they thought i looked pretty decent. or at least, thats the best i could pull off! haha! ah well. its my first shirt with anything pink. then again, its my first anything with anything pink. i do hope i could pull it off like they said i could. anyway, thanks gals and guy. i guess i do need to go about shopping more often.

today's outing was perhaps just as exciting. i think my bank account just dropped another 30%. haha! after training today, gm, alex, mel and i went to ikea for lunch. but first, we had to drop by the BMW worksh0p, cos mel's poor car got cruelly and unjustly vandalised. so we had to make a little pit stop there. it was my first time in a car gallery. as usual, in my absolute suaku-ness, i just gazed in amazement, at the beautiful and ultimately unattainable BMWs on display. the atmostphere was one of utter richness. it was as if the air had some monetary value in it, and to breath is was too expensive for my humble lungs. haha!!! i just stared, and wondered if i would ever get to the stage and say, i would like to take that model over there. and that too. just charge it to my platinum. thanks. wonderful service by the way. haha!!! i wonder if i would ever, ever get there.

anyway, after that, we went to ikea and had, for myself the first time, the famous sweddish meatballs. gm and mel were raving about them, so i tried. it was indeed unique and delicious. would go there again the next time if i had the chance.

we met jiahe, emma and enerst along the way, and followed them to the tyr warehouse. while the seniors discussed about t shirts, the rest of us went about shopping! haha! i got myself a pair of swimming trunks. and so did gm. alex and emma got themselves a pair of board shorts. i was quite happy. hope to go swimming soon! yeah!

okay, its 1230. i absolutely have to sleep.

ciao!

"to love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance" --oscar wilde

its not inspirational, but i thought its funny.