hey peepz.

its time i did a little updating just to let all of you know i am still alive, although barely.

i just had a competition, MR500 at seletar resevoir over the weekend. the team, both the guys and the girls did reasonably well, one gold, two silvers, one bronze, one fourth, one plate first. ah well.

i was part of the bronze, fourth and the plate. think i rowed till i almost died. literally. rowed in 7 races on sunday. i barely had the time to lie on the grass, have my cap over my head, have my mp3 in my ears and just tune out. go down, row, come up, warm down, warm up, go down and row again.

shack? most definitely. but i was glad i had some motivation.

it was a competition with mixed feelings for me. for various various reasons. haha! most of them selfish ones, as usual. (i should take every opportunity to impress upon my readers that i am selfish. haha!) someone said to find a reason why we are all still in the team. i have a reason, but not one that has been strong enough for me. so am i still searching? perhaps. and yet, i may have silently, left the search aside, as i busy myself with academics.

i am not one of much hope for many things. perhaps, least of all, for people. faith, hope, belief. they are still a little beyond my grasp. a little beyond my comprehension. however, that's not to say i do not have any of them.

i am still grateful for a lot of things in life. my family, my friends, and certain especially special people that have crossed my path. i am sorry if i have neglected all of you. i have been rather, preoccupied. hehe.

there are things that have become a little clearer for me. and there are objectives i have decided to undertake to achieve them. and along the way, some things will inevitably be sacrificed, neglected, forgotten. i cannot be greedy. and i cannot give false hopes. i do not seek recognition, i do not seek remembrance, i do not seek others' hopes, dreams and expectations. because i am afraid i would unintentionally fail them all, as i try to fulfill my own dreams.

there are things i was striving for, but now, things have changed. and things will continue to change. the flux is ever fluid, and i must be flexible, lest i bend and break. i must be ready to let everything go at once, only so that i can pick up the necessary pieces.

am i being esoteric? perhaps. but it just means i should just go and bathe and head on to the 24 hour YIH to begin another step at another stab at another futile attempt at 5.0.

be still my heart.

i just concluded. i am a social creature with dominant anti-social tendencies.

wow. the contradictories of life.

i think i can unshamedly, unbashfully, willingly, sincerely, truthfully, unhesistantly, unfeignedly, honestly, frankly and genuinely say that, there is noone, noone, except for that one person in my heart and my parents, more important, significant, essential, crucial, consequential, for whoever i should sacrifice my life, my attention, my time, my passion, my work, my everything in its entire entirety at whatever the cost for, than ME.

when it rains, it pours. that was what happened these few days.

here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.

went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.

went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.

did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.

depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.

and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.

and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.

and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.

its a sunny day, but i am soaked.

hey peepz!

im like finally here.

anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!

i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.

relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.

not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.

makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.

i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.

i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.

progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.

taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.

no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.

i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.

and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.

thanks for the chocs.

sometimes i wonder why is it that i am very quiet?
its only because i am controlling my blabber mouth from going out of control.

one too many times, this nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating mouth of mine -- with its partner in crime: the equally (no, even more) nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating brain of mine -- have done me enough injustice to sentence myself to life imprisonment in social isolation.

these words that bullet through the gun barrel of my throat have waged wars, gunned down other's pride, grazed the hearts of loved ones, burrowed deep into the psyche of men, and sometimes spiritually killed people.

these words cut, raze, tunnel, scratch, bore, peirce, slice, saw, and eventually cause destruction, devastation, impoverishment, amaggeddon.

and so, in order to try to cease this wanton dismantling of the lives of others, so intricately intertwined with my own, i try to remain reticent, taciturn, quiet, silent, self-effacing, restrained, controlled, hushed.

i do not wish to argue, to debate, to opinionate, to make a fool of myself, to contribute to the noise level, to be the empty vessel that i already am.

i just want this world to be a better place. and from my own experiences, i can contribute better by not speaking, and perhaps, more action.

would you forgive someone if he or she accidently let out a secret that was not meant to be public?

i would not easily.

and hence, i deserve all the guilt, all the blame, all the anger, all the disappointment, all the hate.

for i have sinned against a friend.

no amount of apology will suffice.

i depend only on your graciousness to forgive.

forgive me. the following is simply a whole load of trash, but yet a mumbo-jumbo, helter-skelter about the essential meaninglessness of life, of people, of me.

*********

man is essentially selfish.

i am having a tough time dealing with that.

all men think only for and about themselves.

that i understand.

i do that too. all the time. i only think of the sacrifices I have made. i only think of the efforts I have made. i only think of the commitments, the energies, the thoughts I have put into. I and I alone. I am the most selfish ass on earth. yes.

yet, i have a problem with everyone else.

if i had a bone to pick with the world, i would have enough to create the exoskeleton of a typical shark.

no one says thank you when i open the door for others. only old aunties. everyone else simply rush off doing their own business. the world is unappreiciative of me. and see how i manage to make this problem my own.

no wonder i am loosing enthusiasm. no wonder i am loosing faith. if the only mantra i cling on to are "boats" and "books," oh how shallow has my life become. oh how pathetic i have made my life to be.

no wonder religion exists. depend on god, simply because men are essential undependable. thoughts like this, makes me want to shave my head and move into a monastary.

humans beings think too much of themselve and about themselves. everyone else are simply appendages and tools for their own pleasure, for their own projects, their own agendas. do i live for others? no, i live for myself.

so where is this reason i am supposed to find? in friends? in family? in boats? or in books? in myself? oh. look. we are back to the same and most pertinent topic. me.

zest and reason has come to be found in every stroke, in every catch, in every pull. it means defeating an imaginary and/or forced enemy. friends are enemies, enemies are enemies. as long as i want to win, everyone else is enemy. i wonder if this is the reason.

or is it to be found in reading page after page of wars and devastation afflicted in post colonial countries? or how to make nice surveys for the benefit of a company? or in the photocopy of book after book? or the watching of tape after tape? the completion of essay after essay? tutorial after tutorial? pull up after pull up? push up after push up? crunch after crunch? money after money? dollar after dollar?

the more i think about it, the more everything loses its meaning. the more i hope for the best in people, the more my expectations fall short. the more i think about the positive, the more negatives i find. the more i give, the more i find myself giving. to the point, where i find myself bare and naked.

I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a load of crap.

i told myself not to whine, nor complain, nor find fault in everything around me. i tried to control my emotions, i tried to muster my strength. but the fact that i am blogging this out, means, i have reached my mental threshold and emotional containment.

allow me my release. allow me my penseive mood. allow me, as all my male and female friends would brush off as, my PMS, my bitching, my ranting, my essentially meaningless and ultimately insignificant (to them at least) banter of thoughtless nonsense.

if i were someone else reading this, i would roll my eyes, mutter something under my breath, think that this idiot is really talking about me, let my imagination run wild, and ultimately return back to the calming and soothing melodies of mozart and the challenge of reading my readings.

ah. I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a...

hey peepz!

must make this short.

had nice birthday celebrations this year! woo hoo!!!

first with parents and sister, coffee cream cake. period.

second with the team, or whoever was free to turn up, cafe cartel, swensons ice cream cake. nice. special mention goes to johnny who came down specially to celebrate it with me yesterday. also to gm who called people to come down.

third with eileen, stephen and alvin. been a long time since we met up. had lunch. treated them drinks. got a card from e. alvin kept talking about phones and stephen played along. hope to meet up with them again soon. probably next sem! haha. eileen the social worker. haha!


fourth at holland village. nicest surprises. special mention goes to michelle!!! who came down to surprise me. also to the carnations. and the shirt, and the slippers and the underwear!

call me materialistic, but i love the presents. was wondering when they were going to come. was hoping for one nice present, like a cd or a shirt i can keep. but the avalanche (receiving 3 presents is considered alot for lil o me) was overwhelming.

thanks guys! for all involved. there were disappointments, and there were surprises and there was happiness. and i guess, really. i am just glad i did not need to spend my birthday in the guard room singing happy birthday to myself.

keke.

still, i hate being 23.

better grab my chances before they pass me by.

hey peepz!

this is an announcement to all my avid (albeit all the few and far between) fans, readers and haters. that i have recently created a livejournal account.

this has been in response to certain friends who they themselves have converted and privatised their blogs. and hence, i have to follow suit in order to access their entries.

hence, i shall be maintaining two accounts. troublesome as it is, but necessary. the livejournal account shall essentially be about dragaonboat, because the circle comprise of dboaters. and it shall be my internal arena of merciless bitching about dragonboat. muahahahaha!!! and it shall contain vital and pretty much confidential information about db, so it shall remain in that sphere.

other than that, i will continue boring all of you with my lifeless life in general here on blogspot. unfortunately, i am not THAT avid an enthusiast about blogging as like alex, ah alex, who consistently posts the truely mundane and the unexpectedly funny with the extremely poserish posts and pictures. i am just plain words. but i will, i will try to promise, to learn how to put up pictures, so everyone can see my physical presence.

and anyway, i dyed my hair. gosh, gasp, horror. its like dull gold. did it at mel's mom's place. very please after the job. wow. i looked different. and the response was initally well received. i told everyone to take a good look, cos at that point, it would have been the best look. beyond that day, i would be too lazy to open the cover of my mud.

and every since that day, i got increased responses from the curious wide-eyes to the jaw dropping screams. GM has been consistently calling me gay looking, cos my hair looks, erm, "gay"? i dun really know what it means. emma thinks so too. herm. and especially so by gm, after i showed them this green v-neck shirt that hugged the contours of my body from TopMan (as recommended by riz). the moment i showed them at the dressing room, it was instantly a NO-NO. "He looks damn gay lah!" GM made the female store attendant laugh at my super metro look. haha! herm. suddenly i started thinking. now what exactly must i do to look better?

anyway, i must thank riesal and melvin for their kind help at my "make-over." thanks guys. i think i got a bit more of fashion sense. now i need to money to actually buy the clothes and accessories.

maybe i should have like a "gay-day" where i dress provokatively. ah well, until that day, it shall still be 7/8 denim berms and my bright gaudy yellow asics shirt and even brigher and gaudier yellow slippers.

hey peepz.

the guys are training. and i am blogging. cos i am sick AGAIN.

i sense a pattern. i had persistent cough the beginning of last sem. the beginning of this sem. i am sick again. i hope it won't become a ritual. it has been about a week. seen the yih doctor. might want to go back home and see the clinic. asked janice to give me some cough tablets that might cause constipation. she sees Raffles Hospital doctors. hopefully, the medicine would be of a superior quality too. hehe.

anyway, so i was reflecting about myself, as usual. Gm's birthday gave me a big impetus to think about myself, since my own birthday is coming. its not big deal. its not a hush-hush secret. its going to be on the 21st of january. send me smses or messages wishing me happy birthday if you wish. but just to clarify, i dun seek rememberance, nor do i want like surprise parties or expensive presents. at this point of time i really am okay.

i remembered by own 21st birthday. i spent it in the guard room. and opening the gate for my platoon to go home for the long weekend. when the clock struck 12, i sang happy birthday to myself. sad? now that i reflect on it, i laugh at myself really. think its really funny. ah well, my parents forgot my birthday a few times when i was younger. those were heart-breaking times. and now that i look back, i used it to tell my friends and again laugh. of course, to try to gain a few pity points. but they amounted to nought.

of course, i had some really great birthdays. had a remote control car at 5. that was before my parents started forgetting when my birthday was. i remembered one year, i got a bar of chocolate as my present. and another, a toy plastic car from my sister. ah well. then my secondary school friends organized a party for me in sec 2. that was my first party of sorts. and i cried. ah, young, inexperienced, foolish youth. in uni, the alex and the db guys celebrated it at arts bash and a cake. i will always remember it, cos the wish i made came true. and of course, alex got dead drunk and tried to kiss everyone. well, i was the only one willing to take care of him, and we ended up in the corner, with me pinning him down, while he continued to try to smooch and bite me. the guys still laugh, riduculing that we looked like a gay couple furiously making out. ah well. and my sister bought me a samuel and kevin jacket. well, thats basically my birthday histories. at least the more memorable ones.

i am just really glad gm was happy with his. i took quite a bit of effort making it a surprise party. truth be told, sorry gm, but it did not mean to be a surprise party. frankly, i meant to treat him and alex because i lost the who-got-the-lowest-CAP bet. and that led him to think he was going to have a lonely dinner with 2 guys. bet he thought it was going to be the most loserish birthday party ever. that is like akin to me asking them out to celebrate christmas eve at my place watching vcds (which i did ask, but they flatly turned me down, by the way). haha. and well, that propelled me to make it a surprise for him by asking as many of the people as i could. and i am glad they turned up on such short notice.

melvin commented that this has set the standard for future birthdays to come. haha! when i heard that, frankly, i got pretty scared. i certainly do not want to plan such huge scale events (huge in my living context) after going through the horrors of planning, worrying about if he was going to find out, and desperately smsing to try to confirm the guest list that kept flucuating with the volatility of a woman experiencing menopause. and how surprises kept surprising me, like how gm who supposed to go out shopping with in the afternoon, ditched me for someone more desirable. (haha! but its only natural so i understand) and so i had to start aliasing with that someone through someone else, and argh. it was mind-bogglingly stressful. and then came the logistics, of having the gather all that agreed to come, to meet at a strategic point at a designated time, while stressing that everyone come on time. and then i had some who would be late, and some who wanted to be late. then it came to coordinating the movements, such that there would not be any chances of him seeing, and then getting him to come. and keeping his attention distracted until that single moment when he would step in and go, "eh. everyone is here." and then he would be stunned and shocked and then cry. okay. he din cry. he just faked it with a finger running down his face. and then came the accounts. haha! presents, cakes, and trying to divide them among those who came and those who didn't. and haha! you all get the idea. bottom line. i hope i dun have to go through this nightmare any time soon. and my main point. i dun want anyone to go through SO much trouble for lil o' me. cos then, i will, like how gm feels towards me now, pretty much a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness. so gm, please, do not, i warn you, do not do anything farnee.

so what exactly do i want? frankly, i don't know. certainly no big gatherings. and no fatty birthday cake, and no throwing me into the sea, and no big hoo-haas. but actually, i haven't really thought of what i wanted. ah well. there's still time. right?

but yet when i think about how i am going to be a grand old age of 23, CRIPES! everytime i think of the number, it really freaks me out.

somehow or rather, a certain chain of events got me thinking about the topic of "emotional maturity." and so i goggled "emotional maturity" and this was what i found:

******************

SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY

1. Volatile Emotions
Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence
Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don't need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other). Over-dependence is indicated by; a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger
This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means putting off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity
Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It's major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can't have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

Are you emotionally mature?
***********************
http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm (bibliography. in case i get sued for plagiarism)


and as i read this, i found myself mentally ticking off many (thankfully, not all) of the characteristics i identified in myself, and my behaviors.

and so i ponder and reflect and wonder. where along the way did i go wrong. but more importantly for me, is what must i do to correct my faults. and i am finding a seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me.

in my bid for emotional maturity, i start to question, what do i have to do? what must i give up? what sort of time, effort, activities, must i sacrifice/ scale down/ take up.

i AM going to be 23. i should make a more conceited effort to grow up.

hey peepz!

yes, yes, yes. finally, i blogged. haha. thanks to a consistent flow of complaints from nice, ardent fans about the dismay they experience everytime they see "11th November" whenever they open this blog page, i have finally decided to take some time to make a come back entry.

during that one month, so many many things have happened. and so fast too. shall not bore all of you with details, so here's a brief outline of significant events.

firstly, exams. stress, revision, stress, stress, yada yada yada. everyone experiences it, so no stranger to these phenomena. it was great studying with friends, and familiar faces, especially with dragonboaters, knowing that your fellow friends, who row beside you, are working just as hard studying together, all striving for individual yet the united goal of better grades. also of special mention, to benny and shumei who are always together, and have also been faithful companions with me in our days and nights of ardent struggles.

and so, after exams, it was the dreaded standard chartered marathon. my first of many to come i believe. trained only once on a torturous journey with yoke and jiahe. oh how i will remember that hot day. and oh, how i more impressedly i will remember the actual marathon. how i had yoke and pq as initial companions, and then ah fu. and how much determination ah fu had when we were running together briefly. oh, but the most memorable part was how i fought, and how at so many part, i simply decided to give up to walk and how much effort i had to garner to run again. what was disappointing for me, was not really that i gave up, but really how easily i gave up. with how little mental rhetoric and persuasion i attempted against giving up, and how quickly i actually did. what was satisfying was i completed it under 5 hours. next time, next time. i shall not give up. next time, next time, i shall run faster, harder and with a whole lot more preparation.

and hence, after one day of recovery, took my first ippt. all thanks to my dear dear buddy desmond, who paced me, did i achieve my gold. who satisfying did i get my 400 dollars. and how quickly, and unconsciously that amount vanished. haha.

signed up for california fitness for a month and for 18 dollars! thought i bought myself a real deal! almost everyday was dedicated to luxurious gymming. got to know andy. interesting guy, no doubt. got to know spinning, and got to see really babelicious instructors like seline, oh seline, and elizabeth. haha! if i am rich enough, and work in the cbd area, will prob get a membership there. so many interesting drama in the locker room too, involving andy, melvin and alex. ah well.

moved back home. so glad to see my parents everyday again. of course, i started missing my room the moment they started nagging again. after so long, i realise that the more i grew away from my parents, the more i am growing to become like them. my "auntie" nature of totally relishing in discounts is so like my mom. and the tendency to enjoy domestic duties like cleaning the room is so like my dad. oh dear. am i going to look in the mirror and see my dad in myself? no disrespect, i simply fear becoming like my parents. i wish to grow and mature into someone independent and capable of a different nature than of my parents. i wish to do them proud in achieving the success they would only wish for me.

christmas eve. how some of the guys will remember christmas eve. here is just a brief discription. had a party at my place with the guys. lots of alcohol. someone got dead drunk. that someone puked on my bed, my floor, my cd collection. that someone had puke smothered all over his face. that someone had to be dragged all the way to the toilet. the rest of us had a hard laugh. that someone had an intimate time with the toilet bowl. that someone had a major hangover. another guy came late, drunk and acted totally cute. had a good laugh at him too. and a third guy drank little got drunk too and slept lots. puked lots too. but at least he had enough clarity in him to puke in a plastic bag. mel helped lots in cleaning up. after everyone fell into slumber, i stayed up and cleaned up till 5 until i myself had to collapse in exhaustion. great party guys. really.

results. i remember that day. was in the library. it was raining. was in the toilet doing some big business when a certain alex called and shrieked how well he did. 4.5. was happy and pretty surprised, as was everyone. who knew that the guy with so little general knowledge and inability to operate a washing machine could actually get onto dean's list. a lesson to be learnt about stereotyping i guess. although as his roommate, i should give him credit for working smart and hard though he did give the impression that he was whiling his time away blogging 5 times a day. was very glad to hear subsequently that many people did extremely well. made a bet with gm and alex, that the guy with the lowest cap would treat. in the end, I treated. i got 4.3. shucks. haha. guess, i learned a lesson about humility. haha! and a good lesson too. congrats to gm and alex for exceeding expectations. also congrats to all those who did so well. i am more determined to work a lot harder and hopefully exceed my own expectations.

new years eve. went on a crazy sales hunt. first, it was to gnc, then to the U2 warehouse sale and then to the books warehouse sale with mel and riesal. we really went mad. the "auntie" in me was simply overjoyed. then the "guilty" conscious kicked in when i recounted how much i spent that day. ah well.

new years eve party. everyone thought there was going to be repeated affair at johnny's. this time, it was mainly red wine. tried to get each other drunk. but alex held his liquor pretty well, and guomin would not be fooled. kim huat's girlfriends cheesecake was simply sedap. and johnny was the ultimate hospitable host. we enjoyed ourselves there too! so many people turned up. played worms with mel, alex and xiangyi. xiangyi was annoyingly good. despite all the collaborations and plottings against him, he still managed to win 5 out of 5 times. grrr... and it was so fun.

through out the holidays, met up with many many friends whom i had not seen for so so long. my jc classmates, my secondary classmates, my ns buddies, and other friends. went blading with janice. was quite a good experience. shall pick up blading soon. got to know a few new friends too. hehe.

school's started. having a five day work week again. harder modules. smarter people. 2 psychology modules! when i am not a psychology major. social and industrial and organizational psychology. 2 political science modules: political enquiry and government and politics of southeast asia. and a science usp module called evolution. wow wow wow. the sem just gets harder and harder. of course more and more challenging.

guomin's birthday today. had the hardest time organizing a surprise party. and it was the biggest party to date. invited both the guys and the girls. was glad at the turnout. had to make so many plans, send so many smses, make so many trips. glad that he was actually surprised. was so afraid that someone would have accidentally told him, or that he actually suspected. he thought he was going to spend a lonely party with 4 people. "so much for popularity." melvin was commenting, we have set the standard for all the birthday parties to come. herm. its going to be so so hard. hehe. had great help from qianyi and wenya. and angela for cooperating so sportingly. was a bit disappointed though, at again, how the guys and girls tended stay apart, both sides seemingly so shy or adamant at talking to one another. thought it would be juvenile if we were to force a guy-girl-guy-girl sitting arrangement. i was hoping that under a social setting, that beyond the usual melvin, alex, jason, guomin and me "liason officers", more of the guys and girls would make some sort of concerted effort to get to know one another. but i guess, "shyness" is the main reason. just hope the get together broke some more of the ice. anyway, they went to ktv while mel, alex, wen, jul and i went for coffee. so i really, fingers-crossed, through ktv, hopefully a more intimate setting, the guys and girls got to know one another better.

so school has begun. many of us are actually looking forward to it. the initial dreams, hopes and plans are laid out. day after day, it will be a challenge. day after day we will all fight and strive for our goals. and i hope that day after day, we shall forge closer bonds. we shall attain a closer step to happiness. we shall fulfil our destinies. sounds grand? cos it will be.

the more i think, the more i think, the more i think i need to stop thinking.

the more i feel, the more i feel, the more i wished i had a heart of stone.

the more i see, the more i see, the more i just i hope i can be blind to it all.

the more i live, the more skeptical i become, the less hope i have. oh whats to become of me in god's plans?

and i whine and i whine and i whine.

1 more paper.

*roar*

semi-excited about everything going to end.

hey peepz! just a sudden urge to say something.

i blog because i want my friends to know me, understand what is happening in my life. they are essentially meant for people who CARE about me. sure, its the internet and all, freedom of speech whatever (prob the main cause for conflict and hurt in the world), but i never meant my blog to be a forum where people of anonymous identities debate about my every word.

so, seriously, for all you mysterious people out there who have really no idea what is going on in my life and who have nothing good, or comforting or encouraging or sympathetic to say, please, read and leave. dun need to contribute any nasty comments which do not leave any semblance of decent impressions about yourselves on personal blogs like mine or any of my friends.

lets make this world a more peaceful and liveable place.

thank you.

hey peepz!

the last day of regatta: both nus boats got into the finals!!! i was so so so so so so happy!!! a 1-2 finish has always been the best dream to be attained. so anyway, 5 boats in the finals. and the result: all 5 boats came in within 0.7 seconds between the first and the last!!! probably the closest photo finish in my history of db at least.

was super exciting. was super drama. was super.

was very sad for the girls team. my heart broke when i saw ms wen thethering in tears. ms wen! dun be sad liao. i rowed my heart out for you and the ladies. really really. i am sorry we din do justice to our namesake.

ms chua. its all natural. trust me. its okay for feel the way you felt. its about hopes, expectations and dreams. when they get dashed for that moment, find bigger dreams. recover, train and go back and row as a rower. that's where your strength lies.

there are so many things to learn, so many things to remember. good or bad, plearsurable or tormenting. i always remember this quote that is permanently pasted on my desktop now: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

i am sad.

cos like my friends, i have found myself a reason to be sad.

now, i need to find myself a reason to be happy.

hey peepz!

stupid alex has infected my withi his stupid blogging spirit. and so now, i shall have a quick bite at it too.

only halfway through exams. next on on monday. only studying now. haven't gone through "second round" or "third round" yet. damnz. die. sure fail.

today first day of regatta. my first race was regatta, this time last year. quite an experience. this year. no short of drama. drama that goes a long long way back since the first day i stepped in until today. and yes, like zhen qing, it never seems to end... argh!!!

anyway, so we through to the next round of opens. yay. for the ivp, we got knocked twice from the boat next to us. pq got baluku cos their boat dragon heat decided to "kiss" pq's forehead. now got extra "brain matter." haha! now sure get A for his next paper. got blessed. and so we got 4th despite an impressive catch up. but guess that was not enough to get us to the next round. sigh.

was looking for another opportunity to race with worthy opponents. but to get knocked aside by another team's virgin race, was in my opinion, really, the worst luck, the worst fate, the worst disaster that could ever happen. i can only think of one word: sayang. prob even worse than a certain capsize incident last year.

ah well. nice things happened though. like alex got his pictures taken. i am sure he would have posted them all up on his blog by now. and prob pestering me to ask me if he looks photogenic in this picture, and that picture...

oh, and i must say, it was a pretty good set that last one. somethings to learn about. guess, sometimes, we need a little knocking at our sides, to remind us what we had to lose, and what we were there in the first place for. i just hope we are not too late to accomplish that tomorrow.

okay. back to studying. alex asking me about himself liao...

sigh. by more popular demands, i am obliged to write out more jia yous for specific people.

and thus being said, i actually have to the precious time off my valuable time to switch on the lap top, wait for it to start up, type in the pass words, then log on the net, type in more pass words and wait for this page to load up. and all these for what? to write more jia yous. no, they cant be private jia yous on smses, but they have to be public one! public i say!

for goodness sakes people! i have a deadline to meet, of which if i dun meet, i would be really dead!!! i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

and you get the picture. and i would still be here complaining about why i should be doing this, when i should have just done it already! haha!!!


so here goes,

JIA YOU LIEW GUO MIN THE SMARTEST (cap 3. something), MOST HANDSOME (i like his hair ONLY), MOST CARING (demands i go back to my room to look for cough syrup), MOST CONCERNED (he makes the best herbal tea), MOST HUMOUROUS (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INSTRUCTIVE (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INCREDIBLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH (after my imaginary friend that is) AND WHO IS GOING TO ACE ALL HIS EXAMS THIS SEMESTER SO THAT HE WILL WIN THAT BET AND MAKE ALEX, THE WONDERFUL PSYCHOLOGIST TREAT ALL OF US! (he's practically gone, and i think alex will do better than him) YES! OF COURSE! IN FACT WHY ON EARTH WOULD LIEW GUO MIN NEED A JIA YOU ANYWAY? well, cos he asked for it, literally.

oh, and not to forget...

JIA YOU MISS CHUA! despite your being sick and all, you still study really really hard, so i hope that you will get the grades you truly deserve. glad to see you better liao!

and if i do ever miss anyone out, please do request a private jia you via sms. thanks!

so here are some more generic good lucks:

good luck to the guys teams. and i mean ALL the guys. that includes you yokes, and keegz, and xiangyi and johnny and dr mel and whoever reads my blog. yes, marcus too, but by this time he would already finished his exams. and to riz and doug, and ted, and ah fu, and winston, and EVERYONE LAH! dun want to think of names anymore.

and also good luck to the girls team! will try to rattle out the names. if i miss any of you out, that means we haven't really talked to each other yet! so find me! muahaha!!! grace, geoks, angeline, bc, joanna, qian yi, theresa, cindy, yirang and all the rest! herm. dun want to think anymore also.

and also good luck to my other less met-up friends, like alvin chow kiat, steven/stephen, meiling, christina, huiqin, atiq, shiqin, hidayah (my wonderful ts ladies) and whoever whoever else!!!

okay okay??? i really need to go and study now! remember! sms me for your personalized "jia you"! but can do it after my exams? 30th nov. thanks!

hey peepz!

this is by popular demand:

PO QIN JIA YOU!!!! YEAH PO QIN!!! WOO HOO!!! YOU DA MAN!!!! SURE SCORE A!!! BEAT ALL OF THEM ARROGANT LAWYERS WHO THINK THEY ARE BIG SHOTS!!! JIA YOU!!! YOU SURE TO BE THE NICEST LAWYER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!

yup yup!

and jia you to my sister too! think she's going to get higher cap than me this sem...

>_< hehe

hey peepz!

i know everyone is like studying their asses off. and so have i. not now. just now. its one am at yih. and i am all alone here, cognitively saturated, listening to my favourite naruto intros and endings. feeling pretty happy actually. haha!

anyway. i know i havent been blogging so here's one intermission entry!

thanks meiling for your conern for the entry soooo long ago. but still, thanks for dropping by and dropping that note. hehe. good luck for your exams! dun flunk any mod this time! hehe.

anyway, so i finished one paper. making of a nation. came out all right. but then the whole day today, the questions kept popping up in my head, and suddenly i would go "DAMN! I ANSWERED WRONGLY!" and that horrible thought would keep appearing in my head, despite valiant attempts to counter them with insistences that i need to study for biodiversity at 5 later. argh!

anyway, the theatre studies practical is finally over! on thurs. had 3 hours of sleep trying to complete the director's portfolio. i was lamenting to my friends that i was spending 3 whole weeks, endless days working with the ladies and sleepless nights thinking about how to make the production better. all this for a 25 percent assessment. and i was going to spend 1 day on a 30 percent making of a nation exam. great. so in the end, the production went well (in my opinion at least). the judges kept picking on the details. i assured that girls that it was simply because they could not find any major flaw. :) denial? haha. well, it works at this point of time.

and so the ladies were pretty pleased too. dr loon came donw to praise them for their acting skills. then when he left, they kept asking me if he tells this to all the groups. he wants a copy of our videotaped performance in dvd! i wonder if i should read this as a sign to anything. hm. and also, the ladies kept gushing over edward choy, this teaching assistant guy. young, small eyed, sharp features, soft spoken, and who kept smiling. the girls, i repeat, were simply drooling in the wings after it all. also wanted to take off my shirt and wipe the drool, and yes, was a wee bit jealous. none of them gushed about me. argh. *crushed*. oh did i mention that they are ALL attached? hm.

anyway, thanks for the memories ladies! i hope to NEVER do it again. being the only guy in a group of estrogen battering environment was driving me to declare myself a misogyst! hehe. but i will always love my mother and sister. i love you two!

and so the exams have started. benny just alerted me to the fact that it would all be over in 9 days. stunned. i thought it would be over in 19 days. sigh. overestimated the time. feeling a little claustrophobic now.

anyway, jia you alex and wenya for abnormal psych! jia you benny for biostats! jia you mel, jialing and thanda for biodiversity! jia you! jia you to everyone else too!

oh. i cant download anything from bittorrent now. my naruto has stopped. and so has my heartbeat. was crying to bitterly. WHY? WHY? WHY? I WANT MY NARUTO! going to read all 360 over volumes of manga when exams are over. *roar*

okay. got to go back. one more round of biodiversity. before i scot back to my soon-to-be-missed room. jia you! *roar*!

you know you are stressed, when you wake up half an hour before the alarm rings, with thoughts about the disaterous grade you will get because you will produce mediocre work.

you know you are stressed, when two girls from your theatre studies group start vying for the same role one and a half weeks before the examination, and you are the director.

you know you are stressed, you started working on a 15 percent presentation less than 24 hours before the presentation itself.

you know you are stressd, when you are having a pimple outbreak, one on the right cheeck and one right under the right eye.

you know you are stressed, when you know you should go and have a run, but decide that you should sit at the table all exhausted and hungry.

you know you are stressed, when you see a large pile of notes you have not covered sitting on the side of the table.

you know you are stressed, when you feel that you want to give everything up.

you know you are stressed, when you know there are friends you need to show concern to but don't know how.

you know you are stressed, when all you can think about it stress, rather than the work.

you know you are stressed, when you are here blogging about stress when you should be working on that presentation.

you know stress, when you feel it, see it, hear it, taste it, touch it.

stress.

now where's that serenity prayer?

hey peepz!

its me again. will try to make this really short, because i am at yih at 1030 trying to do my individual presentation due this tues, then my project due this friday, my theatre studies exam next monday and thursday and the project presentation sometime then too.

i have a reason to be stressed. trust me.

thank god for my dad who has been sending me (at quite appropriate times) smses to comfort me. i wonder if he reads my blog... hmm...

anyway, back to me. (yes, its all about me). where was i? oh yes stress. realise that i have doing alot of "extra" work. i.e. tonnes and tonnes of research in preparation for my presentations and all. and i was just sitting down here, staring into blank space for a while, wondering, why the heck am i putting in so much effort? sometimes, i find myself getting that A- with another guy who gets the same grade but only started work the night before it due. and sometimes, it really makes no sense.

then again, i have already accepted that as a fact in life. examiners do not mark you for your efforts, they mark you for what they see. so then why again do i persist in doing so much "extra" work? cos i know that i am not smart. the only thing i have is dilligence. a sort of blind zeal for hard work.

i know, sometimes, i really am stupid, doing all this work. like my TS production. i am just being assessed as director, so why am i doing the script by myself? why am i spending time with individual actors, trying to sharpen their acting skills? why am i reading material out of the prerequisites? cos i know that they will help, one way or another. maybe not directly to my grades, but they will help. every step, every attempt, every effort.

sure, the judges may not see it. but sometimes, it really does not matter to me. cos for me, as long as i know that i have done all my best,done all i can do, i will have no regrets (NB: there are no such things as absolutes in the world. some margin of error is needed). so what if they dun see it, as long i feel i have helped my friends, or made a difference, then my efforts are justified.

i wont have too high expectations on the results. cos the process is just as important. a simple A will do. thanks.

haha

am tyring to balance all these things right now. find it pretty tough, especially with db. so many aspirations, so many expectations, and just as many disappointments. i do not know what to say, simply because i do not know, let alone how to say it. sometimes alittle bit more consideration is needed, sometimes alittle bit more appreciation. and of course, a little bit more sensitivity and a little bit more resolution.

for me, i need a little bit more time. no. make that "a lot."

am typing this knowing there is someone else typing away furiously in pursuit of his happiness. hmz.. and yet i am here hoping some happiness will find its way onto my path for pursuit.

kept thinking of what to do, what needs changing. firstly, my sleeping habits. its 215 and i am still awake, drying my hair. and there is training tomorrow. change is the only constant. that phrase kept ringing in my mind. life is harbinger of change as change is the harbinger of life. i made that one up, think it sounds cool, and its ringing in my head as well.

what needs changing? the flat tire in my car of life, that finds itself stranded and inching backwards on an inclined highway. i am so literary these days. maybe cos i have been devoting my last one week on a theatre studies production in which i offered to be the director. i have to lead 5 other girls. i feel so stressed, cos i find myself shouldering many jobs. maybe cos i feel myself most qualified to do so, maybe cos i am director, maybe cos i just want to do really well for this component. maybe i just want an A plus plus. in the midst of so much estrogen, i feel myself turning into a girl. as if i aint girl/niang/feminine/gay enough as i am already. and this on top of all the estrogen assaults i have had so far. argh. i should just turn transvestite/transgendered/gay/whatever and be done with it already.

and so, i have to deal with this, and an individual presentation and a project and its presentation, and 5 examinations and a competition. its pretty selfish, but i hope i dun get in the main boat, cos i havent been training hard enough. but yet, referring to my last entry, sometimes, the choice is not really mine. the situation as it always has and will probably will for a long time to come, dictates it. still, i delude myself...

and so as my hair dries up, i wonder when i will enter the world of dreams. i always harbored the hope that i could seek refuge in them, but most of them always appear unfamiliar faces and threatening situations, and familiar faces and horrifying situations. the bottom line, the world of dreams is simply a more exaggerated reflection of my world of reality. and boy does it suck.

beginning to see the 4.5 on my board evaporating. beginning to feel demotivated as i struggle to feed myself with motivational quotes. keep the faith, keep the hope, keep the dream. and yet i have indoctrinated myself so much, they cease to hold significant meaning. they become drugs that simply sustain a minimal level of desire to breathe. haha! really, as i read this, the literary exaggerations really do seem to have infiltrated my unconscious thoughts. maybe i should major in literature instead.

missed talking to zx, merv, yx, wy. that period of time, when i dialed off numbers off my head and talked to them for hours. now, i hardly see them or hear them. knowing full well, that our paths have diverged. you can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. am i lonely? not with so many team mates and class mates and room mates. but yet, i feel nothing, just a grateful appreciation.

argh, there i go again, speaking without thinking, typing without conscoius effort to filter my unconscious mind. catharsis -- the purging of pity and guilt. that's from theatre studies. and fare thee well, my friends, for change hangs on the horizon.

ever felt that you have absolutely no control over your own life?

your life is dictated by everyone else, your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your boyfriend, your girl friend, your dog, your cat, the society, the government, God. whatever.

you have to deal with them, their expectations, their orders, their emotions, their moods, their demands, their tests, their hopes, their dreams.

your life is no longer about you. its about them. you cannot be selfish, cos God-forbid should you be egotistical, that you abandon them all simply to pursue your own desires. their lives are in your hands, and so are their hearts. how can you be heartless? how can you cruel as to tear them from their beings and cast them into the dust? only for you to step on and step away?

stress? oh definitely. the weight of your world rests upon your shoulders. and your own wish is to unburden them. but heaven forbid that you allow this universe to implode upon itself. how can you relax when all around you, you see only the disappointed faces of those you have sworn to fulfil? how can you sleep when you have demands to fulfill?

do you feel like doing something drastic? like Nora walking out of Ibsen's Doll's House? just leave everything that you have ever known for your entire existence, and at the risk of being ostracised, cut off, neglect by the very entities you wanted to leave? do you feel like taking a leap of faith and jump into another world?

i do. and it aint just exams i am talking about.

hey peepz! want to make a short entry.

skipped training to start on a 2000 word history essay due tomorrow. i ought to be shot a billion times.

my sister passed her driving test on her first attempt without the need to wear a mini skirt. i failed twice. hence begins my walk of shame.

i hereby declare that yirang's and dr mel's rendition of xu ruyun's and xiong tianping's ai qing dian yin, the best anyone in the whole wide world has ever heard. totally heart melting within the first verse. was liquid jelly by the time they were through.

jason celebrated his 23rd birthday with a k-tv outing. we enjoyed ourselves. they sang till 3 am, i slept from 1.

my essay is due in 27 hours. i barely started.

exams starting in 3 weeks. i barely started.

biodiversity project due, presentation due, theatre production due. i barely started.

feel like doing something drastic. but nows not the time. history essay first.

ciao!

hey peepz!

taking a short intermission after handing in 2 assignments today, before i plunge right back in to deal with 2 more due this friday. woohoo!

anyway, thanks for all the comments guys. really appreciate them. though i resent being called pms... makes me seem like a temperamental woman whos uncontrollable moods are dictated by hormonal fluctuations. worse... gentlest flower?!!! i mean, seriously guys, can't you all find better adjectives? maybe like 'macho maniac with manly bouts of frustrations due to sexual deprivations.' its not good, but at least not as bad... ha ha! okay. fine. i am offically now a pms flower. now, what colour should i be? bloody pink?

is stress getting to me? maybe. has been another interesting sem. really, really, really, really hope to get that 4.5. this sem is a lot better, due to favourable conditions, like better time table, spaced out exams, less distractions, staying at old kr... if i dun get good grade, then it will be confirmed. i am just dumb. so, i am praying hard. that i wont conclude that i am THAT dumb.


dun worry guys! all these are once again, transient thoughts incited by fleeting emotions made tired by a drawn out day.

shall be fine, and up and going after a peaceful (really hoping i get some tonight) sleep. god bless for sleep, cos with each arising from bed, is to be reborn with a whole new set of opportunites, a whole different life all over again.

Hey peepz.

There have been so many things going on in my life… and there will be even more things to keep me busy: assignments, projects, EXAMS!!!

Feeling quite rotten now really. Today, a friend told me off how harsh, and mean I was to another friend when I tried to correct his stroke. After a set, I simply pointed out his mistakes one after the other. Shant try to justify my actions. Just disappointed with myself, disappointed with my inaptitude at teaching. I am sure, as anyone would, he felt affronted, unappreciated for the efforts he put in the last 2 months trying to master his stroke. And here this idiot comes and pull the carpet from under his feet, or perhaps, in the context, rob him of his paddle and row for him.

This is not the first time this happened, which is basically my insensitivity and coarseness in relating to people. Its just like I said before, I simply rub people off the wrong way. Certain good friends can attest to that, and these are the good friends. Imagine the acquaintances? the strangers? The group mates? The lecturers? I am burning my bridges before I cross them. But most importantly, I am generating anger and negative impressions. And these are the things I would avoid with all my life. I hate anger, I hate resentment. In other people of course. That which I harbour in myself towards myself, I let myself burn in its flames.

Sometimes I feel I am not qualified to teach strokes. Yet, as a senior, I have a responsibility to correct stroke, or to point out what I feel is incorrect (its not like I have the best of strokes… 1 year of practice pretty much qualifies me as a second-year greenhorn in the world of db). We all have much to learn. In fact, I just wish someone could be my personal trainer and teach me how to row properly. So how? Should I continue to open my big foul mouth with nothing but harsh tones and words with rough edges? Or should close a blind eye to what I simply feel (whether or not it is, is a matter of personal judgment) is wrong? Dilemma.

I wish I took up that module called Dynamics of Interpersonal Effectiveness. Then perhaps, just perhaps, I can hold a decent conversation with anyone without fear of making the other party upset. Yes. I am a wuss. An emotional wuss.


Recently, I have lost so many things. Here is a rough list:
1. My creative Muvo MP3 player/ thumb drive. I left it stuck conveniently at the computer terminal for the next fella to drop it in his or her pocket.
2. My bag of toiletries. The bag is a Manchester United bag given by Valerie all the way from UK.
3. A substitute bag of toiletries. This time, in a lokcok plastic bag. And still lost
4. My favourite underwears and socks. Its like the washing machine has an inbuilt Bermuda triangle.
5. One insole from my shoe when I left it on the ledge to dry. Blown away? Dropped down? whatever it is, its gone.
6. My paddle bag. The most heart-break article. The same one my mother made for me with the jeans material… I can really kill myself for that…
7. My nalgene bottle. Left it in the class room. Bought another one. The next week, when I went back, it was sitting at the same spot. The fact is, i still lost it.
Now, I am losing precious time, and losing my mine.

Relax? Relax? Its days like these, when I recount precious things like those above, that I really just want to run out into the heath like Lear and tear my clothes off in madness.


Here’s a message a good friend sent me: in 2 days, its 1 month to exams.

-_-"..............................


some anonymous people left comments on my blog. I have no way of contacting them, nor track down their own blogs. Feeling a bit taken disadvantage of here. Would like a fair exchange but ah well… just want to say, thanks for sharing your sentiments. They were cheery and great.

Okay. Back to my essays. Foresee a 4 am bedtime later…

Hey peepz! It me again duh.

Just make a quick entry, before I head back to studying for a test I have yet to study for. He he.

Just finished sava sprints. Great experience. Highs, lows, ups, downs, happiness, sadness. At the end of the day, the results do not matter. So no need to say. Learnt so so so many things.

For me personally, I learnt that I should keep calmer, and really try to keep my stress levels down (I have no freakin clue how, but I will try). I am such a worry-nilly girl sometimes.

Anyway, congrats again to all those who won, all those who races, and really, all those who took what they can from this experience.

And I think bedok reservoir is really nice. If I stay at the east, I would run there every single day.

and of course, drama never ever seems to not occur at any db competition. Soooooo much stories. Nivea girls, red bull girls, huge dogs, much cheering, much supporting, much laughter. Exciting races, wonderful. i hope we gelled together.

And also, most notable an incident occurred when a friend said something that angered some people from another team. My friend is so so so depressed. I really wish I could do something for him. I just said 'hugz' to him. Damn gay can? but still, I wonder if that word encapsulated all that I could do for him in all my own powerlessness.

But I know he will get over it. As we are all in support of him. We certainly do not endorse his views, but he's our brother, and whatever wrong he did, we will stand by him.

What made the most impact for me personally, were the interesting responses that followed. some full of angst, some full of grace, some with considerable maturity and some, herm, erm, quite unjustified really. Just thought it ironic, that as one individual thought my friend's words represents our team, when (he probably did not realize) he’s own o.t.t. aggression and hatred may well be a reflection of his own team (which in turn reflects badly on themselves). Of course, as I do not endorse the idea, that our friend's view represent ours, I dun suppose this individual's represent theirs. It would be so unfair. And of course, there is nothing for us to judge. God sees all and He does all the judging that needs to be done.

Just happy to see more forgiving responses than hate mails. It is just a sad reflection of how again, institutional enmity, seems to have unjustifiably taken control of some people's lives over and above the need for more peace and harmony in a world mired in more unnecessary hate and violence than there already is.

In the times of our age, in the resonance of black eye peas famous song and alvin's infamous quips, we really just need more love. and to my friend, we love you. Hope you can rise above it all and come out stronger, like you always have. Hugz.

hey peepz!

it me again!!! decided to just blog about these few hectic days.

lets start with today. today was the first day of sava sprint!!! its was pretty dramatic as usual, like all db races. but i think we managed to reap quite a bit. not in term so medals though. but still, at least for me, more lessons to learn, more things to better, more memories to treasure.

first i must say, i am pretty disappointed for us coming in fourth. the team from philippines clinched the gold, and ntu took 2nd and 3rd. sob. it was all really a close fight. okay, maybe not phillipines. but maybe between 3rd and 4th place. haha. its a matter of honour! a matter of face! its a matter of pride! argh... actually i just want a medal... bleah. lots of hoo haa there. but really, i am not really bothered. well, congrats to ntu for doing quite well. there will be victories and there will be losses. we have all experienced them. its a matter of how and when we get up and better ourselves. we had the fastest qualifying time and i am just disappointed we did not better that. i would not have minded 4th if only we beat ourselves. it feels like penang all over again.

i think our girls tired themselves out a lot, having done like 8 races!!! at least the seniors. but i think they did reasonably well. jia you girls! we will always be behind you. dun worry ms chua. you will do better tomorrow. you know you will.

and the juniors. i cant help feeling envious of them. they went down as a batch and actually brought back a plate medal. well, the mixed team too! a plate medal. guess they really put in a lot a lot of effort! they deserved it too. i hope the juniors have gained innumerable experience as to what db entails. they are lucky, cos sava is structured such that if you dun make it to this category of race, you at least have another shot in another category! in other cases, like regatta, you just get this one chance in the heats. if you dun make it, you can just go home. so yeah. and to have gotten their first medals. i hope they have something to be proud of. but i hope that they understand that this is just one facet of db races. there are more to experience. more highs, more lows. i hope that they understand that they cannot stop being hungry at bettering themselves. they cannot stop being hungry for life.

and i hope that i wont stop either.

then there is tomorrow! 500 metres. a different thing altogether. its a pity that the juniors are not rowing tomorrow. but for the rest of us girls and guys, its another challenge, another chance. it should not be about how poorly or satisfactorily we did. but about how are we going to rise to the occasion tomorrow. and yes, its going to be another battlefield, with paddle fights, and sharp gazes, and agression, and drawing blood, and screams and shouts of agony, anguish, victory and joy. and all this will just another regular day at a db competition.

tomorrow, we shall be more organized, more refreshed, more energized, and perhaps most importantly, more hungry.

hey peepz.

am in a lousy mood. have been the whole day. here's why.

last night, i spilt milk mixed with nestum on my entire key board of my lap top. yes. my baby was befouled. i was so freaking pissed with myself. in the end, i took out each and every key in order to clean it. it took me 4 freaking pissing hours to try to clean it. now, typing this entry feels weird. and the space bar is not working as effeciently as it used. to. i have always take really good care of my lap top and this catastrophe had to happen. really. really. really. i was so. so. so. pissed. and i still am. sometimes, it really just takes that one careless, stupid, thoughtless, mistake to make you live a live time of regret from day to night, days on end, month after month. and thus so until at least the next time i buy a new lap top, which is probably when i am 30 or something. hiaz. even now, my key board smells of milk and nestum. and i an striking every key board extra hard. please. something, just kill me now.

hey peepz! its me again. and this time its 4 am in the morning.

why am i still half awake at this ungodly hour? i was rushing a response paper due later this afternoon at 4. its crazy. i am crazy.

i knew this assignment a long time ago, and planed and scheduled what to do and when. and how the hell did i end up like this? i have no blardy idea. lets just attribute it to lack of discipline and procrastination just for simplicity sake.

anyway, just 4 hours ago, jason, melvin, alex, marcus and i went to the airport to see the girls/ladies off for their 5 day expedition. so exciting. i could almost feel myself flying off. of course, that fleeing excitement ended at the departure glass. ah well.

have a safe trip ladies! see you all back again next week. and i am soooo off to never never land now.

nights!

hey peepz!

its like 930 in the morning. and why the hell am i blogging again? argh!!! maybe cos it was a weird morning with too many thoughts and emotions running through my blood veins.

yesterday's training was quite a drama. shant bore you with details. another day to go down into the annals of history. was quite shack though. paced with our own juniors last night. they were constantly side by side with us during the 500m race set. i keep seeing them in the corner of my eye. guess they are improving real fast. of course, there were other factors to consider, but still, the fact that we did not pull away further than i thought we should have could mean two thing: they were getting good, we were not that good. or both. ah well. i hope its boths. cos i think we all still have a lot more to go, a lot more effort to put in in order to prove ourselves. in any case, i hope the juniors will improve faster. as yet, they look promising.

had quite a rude shock in learning how the world of dragonboating is not as friendly and amiable as i thought it is. learned that one party was suing another party for posing with their boat. learned that people can be more possessive and materialistic about their paddles more than they care about world hunger or world peace. learned that people stereotype you as the enemy as long as you are a competitor. hmm. guess i have been ra-ra-ing in my own small band of brothers too long to realise that the world of dragonboating is not about beautiful people (see latest urban), but really more a battlefield of glory and honour, personal pride and vanity.

when we were in penang, we were cheering on the national team and spc as fellow dragonboaters from singapore. hell, we were cheering for the myanmar and the indonesian national teams cos they were simply out of this world. i thought the sport was about fraternity no matter where people come from. i thought paddlers of the world unite. and we shall celebrate losses and victory. i thought the olympic spirit was substantial and exists among human kind. guess there will be exceptions. guess competition will always be the foremost characteristic of the singaporean system.

in any case. i still have lots more to see. and i will still express my support for our girls team and the ntu guys teams cos they are both going to tianjing to compete in another international race. before this, when i thought we were going, i kept asking the guys, this hypothetical question: if we got into the finals, but ntu din, would they cheer for us? and vice versa, if ntu got in and we did not would we cheer for them? its a tricky question no doubt. sometimes the "enmity" or rather the perceived "enmity" between the two sides can be felt to be as thick as brick walls, although i have no idea why there should be one in the first place. but if we were outside of singapore, representing our country, would we support each other? could we have become friends? could we have bonded as dragonboaters, rather than remain on two sides of a gulf? i dunno. being the aquarian that i am who strongly advocates peace and cooperation, harmony and friendship, i can be deeply perturbed by the state of human nature: "nasty, brutish and short."

ah well. too many thoughts. think mel, alex and i will be going down to changi tomorrow night to send the girls team off on their expedition. for us, changi is as far as we can go to get out of here. haha!!! wish nus girls and ntu guys all the best again. really wish we could have gone. but ah well, at least now i wont have to miss 6 lessons!!! muahaha! shit. deadlines.

hey peepz! i am back for a while!

i know i should be studying and all. so i am kind of a little stressed and worried. acutally am just chilling for a while before i head on for a little nap before going for a little training before i come back really late and try to hit the books before the z monster tries to hit me.

ah well.

deadlines are finally here again. the second half of the semester is going to fly by so faster than a 200metre sava sprint race which we will be taking part next weekend! and so 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 presentation, 1 group project, 1 more mid term test. ooo... and 8 more weeks before the exams launch their stress attacks. ooo... i so feel another semester of hard hitting action. heh heh. this sem i am trying to aim high, so that when i miss, i can land somewhere soft. but not before i work hard. stress stress stress. and last night, to my biggest horror, i discoverd not 1 or 2 or 3 pimples but 5!!! argh!!!! 2 huge ones one both sides of my face (how symmetrical) and 3 small ones which i pinched them out today! i just love seeing those white-yellow bits of ugly mush pop out of their entrenched skin. and i would always think i hear the "pop" sound! argh! makes my skin crawl with a little perverse, fetish excitment. muahahah!!!

anyway, i am supposed to go to tianjing with the team. but in the end, its been cancelled. only the ladies team is going. ah well. the guys are pretty upset and disappointed really. but ah well. you go girls! do us proud! bring something back! in the end, we are all still TeamNUS and we support each other yar! wondering if we should go and send the team off. but it would be at midnight, and i have tonnes of work to do. bleah. i am sure the girls will enjoy themselves! and sure to take lots of pictures! haha.

ah well, and so sava sprint is coming in 2 weeks. this will be our first competition since the PM cup, and will consist of an entirely brand new team configuration, whether its in the 500 or 200 or mixed or whatever. i think its going to set some tone for us for the rest of the year. i have some hopes and expectations. really wondering how it will turn out. nonetheless, i kind of love competitions. really really. haha! and i wonder. cos everytime before any race, i would feel soooo nervous. i remember the ivp finals last year, my hands were quivering just before they said "go!" i wonder i have overcome this jittery tensions in me. i just love the end of it though, the thought that i have put in all my best in a certain set, put in my focus, my attention, my concentration, my heart, mind and soul. and whatever the result, i just want to feel that i have not let myself and my brothers down. but of course, there will be accompanying feelings of defeat or triumph, but for me they are pretty secondary. cos they are just fleeing emotions. all i really want to feel, is just to feel alive.

the juniors are really interesting. in them i see some of us when we first came in. not that i am so experienced. they seem to be bouncing with so much optimism, so much expectations. and i look at my ragged and bedrangled body and expressions, and wonder if i have grown old already. sometimes i wake up from bed in the middle of the night in shock at the re-discovery that i am actually 22 years old. i hope i can re-discover some of that youthful optimism they all have. and i hope they will have a fruitful and eye-opening experience at the sava sprints, whether they are rowing or not, whether they win or not. cos there is really alot more to db than just being in the boat, than just rowing, than just winning. sometimes just simply being there entails alot more about who we are and what life is than what we think it does.

oh. and i want to learn how to dance!!! after watching dance reflections i was so impressed! and especially after seeing our (PQ and i) classmate Liza do her thing on the stage. we were like "woah!" its interesting to see how our impressions about our friends can be enhanced just by seeing how sexy she shakes her ass. haha! sorry liza. but we just want to say "You were damn hot!" makes me want to join dance blast too. the only dance i can do, is nod my head to the beat of trance. and then get a headache. wonder if dance blast have any more free lessons teaching guys with 2 left feat how to dance hip hop. was going to ask a certain someone how to dance. heard he's good at the horizontal salsa. ah well. whatever that means. riiigghhhtt...

beside those above random thoughts. just want to say, i think i am having a better time this sem than the last two sems i have had, for more reasons than one. especially, cos i am staying in the hostel, especially with mel and alex, and in close proximity with people like jason, jiahe, teddy, gm and ms wen. i feel we are having so much fun together. love the alex moments, love the melvin moments, love it when people just drop by and inject more laughter in my life.

and a gentle reminder to all those who read this blog. please, when you see me, please shout my name and say hi! cos really, that would be so cool.

hey peepz!!!

OMG. it feels like ages since i last blog. and so i shall proceed to detail my meaningless, detail-less life that i deem exciting thus far.

basically, i was caught up in an essay due last wednesday. of course, what else could take my time right? girls? haha! riiggghhtt... anyway, so i rushed since saturday, to 2 am in the morning on wednesday to finish my paper and prepare for a presentation. i am just happy to say, that it is alll over. am glad that the prof did acknowledge that i did a 'good' job. whatever that means. it better translate to an A plus plus. rrriiiggghhttt... like the world works that way.

and since then, was busy with a test that would be administered after the mid sem break... yeeeahhh... and i was getting all excited for my first test of the sem... rrriiiggghhhttt... crazy bitch that i am.

and so, i had my fitness test last night. shant say much. lest i conjure images of supremacy and demand that i row the boat alone and win. rrriiiggghhhttt... now, that's a dream that's quite hard to attain. never improved, never value added. think i shall just quit and join the cheer leading squad. not that they are bad or anything. alex keeps telling me how fun it is, and how cute the people are. go! go! go! GM just wants to touch the girls. pervert. mel seems enthusiastic as well. haha! rrriiiggghhhttt... i think i can be one of the girls and get flipped around like pan cakes considering my petite size.

just go back from pacing mel. just glad he din give up. tried the pull ups until he succeed. i kind of need that kind of determination. i kind of need that much pride and force to motivate myself.

and so, did another day of household chores... sweep floor, mop floor, do laundry... fold clothes. and you guys wonder why i am so desperate for time. its cos i have to order the room around. its hard to believe, cos when the guys come over, i always have heaps of mess cos i am too busy (lazy) to clear them up. ah well. at least, i did it now. will plan another da shao chu next week.

the foreigners are flying off soon. i mean my friends who are studying overseas. back to their US/UK life of decadence. will see them again next year.

daryl has a cool hair cut. miss the bugger. need to catch up with him and hear about his pitiful life of chasing skirts that refuse to succumb to his charms. and of course his impossibility of getting grades like A pluses, only to settle unsatisfied with A minuses.

lin hui is flying off soon. will miss the bugger. everyday only want to go out with me cos he's exhausted his list of friends. and then he will always remind of the day when i died as 'section commander' in an outfield exercise and he had to replace me cos he was 2 ic. that ass. am sooo glad he is flying off. might send him off tho. just to laugh at him when he loeaves. haha!

back to the juniors: to all those who have fortuiously found my blog. congrats to you. and like that will make any difference. anyway, the juniors are super fit. many can run. many can do pull ups. many can do rowing machine. some can do 2. some can do all. what a bummer. sorry roystan. if you see this, take this with a pinch of salt, but "roystan must die." oh, that includes people like nazri, eugene, ben, colin, chee wee, and whoever else threatens to take my place. ah well. so glad that the team is getting stronger. i will always remember what jiahe says, draw inspiration from the juniors. think i shall.

okay, back to bitching about my academics: ARGH! i have already been lagging behind in my readings. 6 weeks have passed! and the deadlines are approaching, and the tests are coming, and i am still behind in readings!!! argh! the only thing that has kept me sane so far is my 'serentiy prayer.' i swear to God, it keeps me calm. it keeps me quiet. and gets me thinking more clearly.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. living one day at a time, evjoying one moment at a time. accepting hardship as the pathway to peac. taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will. that i may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. amen.

anyway. ARGH!!!! there is so much work to be done whenever i see my schedule, and thinking about the upcoming trainings. yippeee...

my brother is in korea, my sister is in sheares, my parents are in bangkok. my grandma is all alone in her flat. hmm. when i called my grandma, the first thing she did was to proceed to scold me for living in the hostel. then she proceeded to tell my how my dad works hard for his money. then proceeds to hang me up the moment she found out that i am using my handphone (which means more money in bills). and then i wonder why i am so money-minded. cos my grandfather, who was initially rich, lost all his fortunes in gambling (he was dead by the time i was born). and then my dad and mom will rant about how hard it is to earn. and i know how hard it is to earn, just from 2 nights in conrad. and yet, i am still spending money like the progigal son that i am. dun worry, i know where my money is going. think i better quit the team and be a gigolo at night. heard its good money.

anyway, havent been hearing much from my sister, nor my brother. think they are very busy. been smsing dad though. glad to know everything is okay. hope they buy the coloured slippers i asked for. a wide range of slippers shall my my really lame attempt at sharpening my fashion image: at least the shirt and slippers will be colour coordinated. yippee...

really wish i could exercise everyday. really wish i was more free to do the things i want. but i cant, cos i am bogged down with commitments, commitments to my family, to my studies, to the team, to my friends, to myself, to my desires, expectations, hopes and dreams which i believe will probably never come true. think i am soaking in a warm water, the same way Kyo feels in Fruits Baskets. life has come to a lethargic trudge. not just now. its all year through. its not because its school. in fact i love school. really, i do. and i love the holidays. cos there is so much to do.

and so there is so much to do.

hey peepz!

i wanted to to blog, but did not feel like blogging. so i decided to get it over and done with anyway, cos i know i want to blog and bitch and whine and grip, and you know. ah well.

i am sick AGAIN!!! it was really suddenly. yesterday had a slight sore throat, so drowned myself with lozenges. then today, my nose started to run. thought it was just due to the morning, sinus or sorts. but during biodiversity lecture, the mucus started to flow like a fountain. ah well. kept using the tissue paper to blow my nose. what was quite embarrassing, was that the topic of the day was "conservation biology" and one of the issues we as human beings have to face is the rampant hellenic consumerism that is eating up our world. "Do you know how much tissue paper we use?" it was meant as a rhetorical question, but it felt as if the lecturer saw my using of tissues papers to blow my nose as an example for the evils of the general human population. i.e. i am evil, and am part of a grand pirate bunch to plunder the world. wait. i AM an evil pirate, plundering the world, considering how many trees i have killed so far.

anway, the moment he said that, i grabbed all the tissue paper i threw onto the empty seat beside me and slouched in embarrassment. jialing was giggling away beside me. the last time i was inavertly "pinpointed" was when the lecturer said "how do you know if using the computer can fry your brain?" while i was religiously typing away what he was saying. i feigned surprised, to some giggles of the female audiences who saw my expressions, but i felt really embarrassed by that too. i wonder what jibe would i get the next time around, you know, besides the usual "fashion disaster," "emaciated," mugger toad" calls i usually get. ah well.

yesterday was a disasterous day, cos i dropped my lap top during IPA lecture. i was sitting on one of those chairs with a revolving table. while i was reaching to the side to grab my notes, i just heard a big "boom!" saw everyone turn around to see what happened, and saw my baby lying lifelessly on the floor with the the cover kissing the floor. all i could exclaim was "oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!" i blanked out and rushed to check for injuries. THANK GOD that everything was fine. the screen did not crack, the chasis did not even scratch. i proceeded to check for internatl injuries like memory and the cd player. luckily they escaped unscathe. from then on, i placed my lap top on my lap, making sure it would never fall off again. haha! and then, whenever the computer stalled for a few seconds, i would get paranoid, thinking that is spoilt. but ah well, that's just being me.

an so, here i am typing my life away with 2 deadlines coming up, the guys and the gals are at trining, and my nose is still running, and i am feeling hungry and drowsy. ah well. cest la vie. better go back to sleep. hope to recover by tomorrow morning.

hey peepz!

its me again! second blog in two days. i must be really free! ha ha! its just because i finished my first draft of my submission for tomorrow. shall edit it tomorrow morning.

training was quite shiok. except that poor alex misstepped and fell on the floor with his hands gripping his head in sheer agony. i was just running behind him and was in totally shock as i saw him crash into the ground. but luckily, he was still alive. he probably just sprained his ankle. promised to see the doc tomorrow.

one of the juniors said something really, erm, inspiring today: "if roystan can do it, so can i." i was laughing, but he sure had a whole damn lot of fighting spirit. especially after the second set, i thought he was going to give up, but he fought on. dunno if any of the juniors would get their hands on this blog, since its soo easy to find, but i just want to say: Manchun, you da man!

also, today is the third day since i styled my hair! have been getting all sort of comments, from "erm... what happened?" to "you look good!" to "at least you werent called a tranny." GM, the master in birds-nests styling was very disapproving, but i shall attempt to try again and again, and hopefully to perfect a decent sense of style.

okay. time to get back to readings. i am soooo behind!!! argh!

hey peepz!

it feels like eternity since i last blogged!!! and it feels like eternity to the power of eternity since i last read everyone else's blogs!!! i suddenly felt so out of touch with my friends' lives. i felt to lost. so distant.

several factor have contributed to this pathetic situation. firstly, whenever i am in the room, i log into my computer now instead of the school domain. why? cos when i log into the school's domain and connect to the internet through the vpn, the connection keeps getting interrupted. and the better way was through the computer system. there was another story behind this story. in a nutshell, someone messed with my lap top to help, only to lock me out of my lap cos i dun remember the default password, only to result in me running from one place to another and to be told the password in 5 seconds, and after the kind person tried to crack the code throughout the night. ah well. and what is the whole point after this cock and bull story? all my bookmarks are in the computer domain and not in the computer system. so with no bookmarks whenever i log into the computer system in my room, i never did get onto their blogs to take a look. so basically, i am just lazy.

the second factor is, that i have been pretty caught up in school work. or rather, i have been half caught up in WORRYING about school work, and the other half attempting at some ineffective studying, which in turn infuriates me, and leaves me fuming at myself for the rest of my waking moments. so, no time to read blogs.

the third factor was, that i have been sick for a very, very long time. much time was spent in bed, being drowsy, visitng dr victor loh 4 times, getting a chest x-ray done, and simply just being sick and down and angry and frustrated and yadda yadda yadda. well, i am glad to announce that i have recently recovered. the "official" day of recovery was on sunday, when i went for a run with the guys, only to finish it like super dead last. made me realise how much impact the illness has caused to my cardiovascular system. and how much the rest of the people have improved.

the fourth factor was, that i have been busy doing all sort of unnecessary things! like photocopy coursepacks and notes and books. yes, books. books which are nicely binded but whose pages are still warm and crisp and nicely sitting on the top of my shelf, untouched, unflipped, unviolated. why? cos they have absolutely NOTHING to do with my curriculum. these are books of purely personal interest, and by reading them not only has no positive contribution to my goal of 4.5, but are in fact rather detrimental to my academic health. yes. i am dumb. yes. i am stupid. but oh, i missed photocopying already. and yes. i am sick sick sick in the mind.

the fifth factor was, i have been busy moving into the room, and enriching it with all sort of food, snacks, books, paper, clothes, and whatever you would dream of if only you had totaly independence and that you have your own house, and you want to make it your dream loft. yes. i was busy going out to places like clementi and ikea sourcing for ideas, and actually going about window shopping, with one question in my mind when i look at niceties: do i need this? and then my left hemisphere and my right hemisphere would collaborate and come up with all sorts of reason why i should and why i should not get this nicety. and then my brain would fight with my heart about whether i should think twice about getting this nicety, and then my heart and my hands would fight again as i take out my wallet in a split second to fish out cash to purchase the nicety. and now the nicety is nicely in my room. and if you repeat this above process like about 20 to 30 times a day, you would then realise where all my time was going to.

yes, yes, yes. this is the third week of school, a nice warm, throughly enjoyed wednesday. i have a tutorial tomorrow and another on friday, and a paper submission on friday. wow. and then, i am here blogging my time away. and then i wonder, what the hell am i doing here at all???? and then i would realise that i should try to dissociate myself with blogs altogether and concentrate on my work.

ahh, the intricate complexities and contradictions of life pervades my every being, my every moment, my every day. now i only wonder what else can i do to waste my time away? as a big '4.5' stares right into my face.

i wonder.

hey peepz!

its been such a lont time since i last blogged.

anyway, the first week of school has already came and gone. and i am nicely settled in my new home away from home. the more i think about the room, the more i love it. its far away, from much of the hustle and bustle. it faces a steep slope covered with trees, is near the toilet and is on the same floor as the pantry. the window faces south, so i dun get the morning or evening sun, but it gets sufficiently bright enough for me to wake up and stay awake. really i love the room. only that the laundy room is really far, in another block.

but i know a few friends staying here with me, namely mel, alex, jiahe, jason, teddy, gm, ms wen, and benny. its great living here already.

the week has been really hectic. the first shocking revelation was that my ps lecturers were not providing course packs, which means we had to gather about 50 sepearate readings for the module! and i have 2 module lecturers doing that!!! it was a horrorible, horrible treatment. luckily, i managed to rally 2 other friends to divide the task of compiling our course pack. so i spent 2 whole days in the library from dusk to dawn just hunting the readings down and photocopying them. yoke could not even stand 2 hours. imagine 6. then again, i am a shamelessly and pervertedly self-proclaimed master of photocopying, and the great pirate to copyright laws.

oh. just want to say, that if any of you are going to infringe copyright laws, and am going to do so anyway, please, at least do it with consideration for the environment. please use both sides of the paper, and save the toner by covering exposed areas with the white cardboards that the shops have so kindly provided. it irks me to see people photocpying books the same size as "the little prince" on one side, and when each paper like 50% blocked out by black toner. its cruel to the environment. so please, save the trees.

i still have 2 more modules to zap readings for. argh. the pain. the torture. and in it, a slight pinch of pleasure (please refer to previous entries on the perverse excitement i take out of zapping notes on a massive scale).

and so the week passed by so fast, i find myself falling behind on readings already on the second week of school. today was pretty much wasted running here and there doing errands and amending corrections, and retrieving forgotten items and teaching a neophyte meiling at the art of zapping notes.

shall not complain anymore about me being sick. yes. i am still sick for the 4th week running. if i dun get well by tomorrow, i am going to yih and insister they refer me to a specialist. i was surfing the net about "persistent coughs" and was relieved to hear that its common that they can go on for "a few weeks". but my blanked out when i came across an article about a woman who found out she got "unoperable lung cancer" after what she thought was "sinmply a nagging cough." the cruel, cruel tricks fate plays on my mind. now, i really do not want to think about anything, about what on earth i could have possibly contracted. pq thinks its tb. another thinks its cancer. i think i shall lock myself up in the room. and suddenly, the oh-so-familiar feeling of being isolated and singled out for a disease has come wafting back to me.

that's not the only cause for my worry. the juniors that have come in have become a new source of stress. they are all generally fit, with some fitter than others, and some fitter than me during my peak. all the aspirations to get strong and stronger, and to be a source of motivation for them, have seem to have taken a reverse turn upon myself, and now especially when i am still sick. its frustrating, its agonising. i havent run in 3 weeks. marcus's speed is quite fast, or so i heard. and i wonder if i will faint the next time i attempt at running. of course, i am glad that there are potentially good juniors around, and in the end, i just hope for a strong, bonded, winning, NUS db team, even if i am not in the boat, cos at the end of the day, its really not about winning or losing, or whether or not i get into the boat and such. its really about bonds and us fighting together. so i hope we all can work harder together.

was telling a lot of people, that i miss running around nus at night. just tempted to get out there and just do it. really tempted...