Hey peepz!!!

this is a pictorial overview of my yet-another-exciting fun-filled holiday!!!

Day 1 morning: Blading with Ms Janice Cheong!

went to ECP to blade! like finally after another long hiatus. i got to don on the blades!

There she is with her messy hair and her spastic expressions!

there i was pouting cos the blades were a half size to small!!! ended up cramping up my toes.

i got so shacked out under the hot sun, i put the blades back on on the wrong feet after taking them out to wriggle my toes. Janice points at my mistake and and smirks at my idiocy.

so here we are still making more funny faces at the bedok jetty! i think we look better with funny expressions! what do ya think? keke.

After blading we went to Parkway parade for lunch! ms cheong brought us to this quiet corner called cafebar. or something! after we sat down, i realised Edmund Chen the actor was sitting behind janice! seriously, for his age, he looks damn good! speaks good english too! swoonz. haha!

there janice tried to feed me her mushroom kisch. while i gobbled my spagetti. good food good company. oh, and i mean edmund, not janice. haha!

we went window shopping. and we saw this magazine on the GSS. you know, the sort that are nicely placed on counters that scream "im free!!! take me!!!" like juice. so we took one. and simply walked out of the stall. only to realise while on the bus, that there was a price to it!!! its funny how the alarm sensors did not sound off!!

so anyway, it was too late to return and janice is horrified at our crime.

Day 1 evening: Date with Ms Wen

was going to Chjimes when i saw this artistic chalk drawing on the ground outside raffles city. an artist by the name of Bever drew this. apparently, the audience was supposed to take a photo of this art work to see better. and its a 3D work! the buildings seem to stand out from the flat ground! how cool is that??

So we went to this cosplay cafe called coscafe maid cafe. the theme is french maids where the waitresses dressed in french maid costumes!!! whaha!!! there is obviously a theme going on here for the date. Ms wen the maid, meet maids! whahaha!!! so anyway, the food was not bad! only a little overpriced we thought. but the ambience was not bad, and im pretty much an anime person to start with!! pretty cool!

the more perverted ones like me would wish they threw in a little bondage into the picture. or the least they could do is have them where like really really really short skirts like they do in the anime! whahaha! and also act really really reallly cute! whahaha!! can nose bleed. but, i didn't. still the service was pretty friendly!

the least i did was to ask the waitress to take a picture with her. in actual fact, i wanted to request they let her wear their uniform...

after dinner, we went to bakerzin for deserts!!! the deserts were very nice!!! not cheap either. but i thought the ambience was great! this is going to sound gay, but we were gushing over this cute waiter! maybe i was just trying to get her mind off someone else. ooops! *zips mouth* whahaha!!! so she pouts...

Day 1 Evening: Help GM move

dunno why got underline, but ah well

so GM moves out from his old room from Block B to his new room in Tower block.

he already made like 3 trips by the time i got back to help h

We both made another 6 more trips!!! GM looks as all the trash in his new room, and decided to get cracking!

By the end of it all, GM was all so hot and sweaty! whahaha! sounds so wrong. if i did not come back in time to help he, he would have to make at least twice the trips! thats like 6 more!!! oh my god. and the trip wasn't exactly on level ground as we had to climbs many many steps.

and who was there to help him? your friendly neighbourhood dragonboater who helps store fridges and move boxes for other people! whahaha! someone owes me a treat!

so the night ended a super pack and fun night for me! and that was one day. stay tune for the rest of the week!

hey peepz! oh my gawd! the second week of the holidays is over!!! argh!!!

time is passing so fast. still got so many things to do for the holidays!!

here is a little pictorial recap of what happened in my exciting second week!


the last view of my white board before i erased. a lot of people had left their ersable marks on the board, and indelible etches in my memories.


play squash with rick zai~


Lunch with Alexander at Ngee Ann Poly


Threw away my wisdom teeth


Went shopping with absolutely fabulous duo, Bae Yong Ming and Wu Zun, to G2000


Duck Rice lunch with Uncle Daryl


Ivan brought me to the Isetan private sale again!!! wah!!! the inner auntie hungry for discount exploded in full force!!! ivan's horrible... bring to there again... sobz...


Lunch at Genki Sushi with Ivan and the yet-another-camwhore-but-this-time-someone-who-actually-looks-goods (as opposed to some of ahem, my db team mates, read: Nazri) Don


Joanna visited with a new bob! contratry to GM's views, i actually like your hair babe! cos you know i love ya! woot!


and why did Jo come visit? to help me clean up my new room!!! she looks so natural with the vacuum! work it babe!


and the Wenya maid services came too!!! i tell you, their maids do the work in style baby! and she did so much work she was sweating through her nice blouse. THEN my considerate ex-roomie, XY decided to come, after we were almost done. hiaz...


Jo and the final move!


Sunny and the final move!


and we bid adieu to a room of memories.


and we also bid adieu to another symbol of our past: they demolished the clock tower and the are demolishing the pier at sentosa. hiaz... i remembered singing there once...

Sunny and I went window shopping at Vivo before Spiderman 3. we took turns wearing clothes Topman, and took pictures pretending we were Singapore Next Top Male Model.


Me just looking coy and oh-so-delicious in this top. and i think, i look better without anything, really. wahhh!!! bhb....


Met up with the funny, ubersexual, question mark question mark, Jonathan Yew for dinner at jurong point. most memorable to me, was him going on and on about how his school kids, his shitzu and all other small adorable stuff are just so "cute!" haha! he's just as cute. anyway, Ladies, this star-studded superman is up for grabs! just give me call and i will give you his number.


uncle teddy sent me this nice pic of the sydney opera house. he swore he would never go back australia again.

yup yup! so this was my sketchy, pictoral recap of this last week!! keke... more pics coming up soon!!! stay tuned!

hey peepz!

i got hospitalized.

yes. i was. i was put under sedation. general anaesthesia. it was as my friend said. when falling into sleep occurs in stages, this was a free fall.

the next moment, i knew, i was half conscious being slapped around (metaphorically) by the nurses.

and i was in pain.

what happened? i extracted my wisdom teeth.


sunny there, taking advantage of my unglam moment to make himself look more handsome!

darren, aidan and my mommy came to visit me too! so happy. the next patient wanted to pose as well.

and really, the hospital food was pretty good!

but what i hated about being in the hospital, was to look around me and see other patients, who were in very much worse conditions than me. sometimes, i wished, i did not need to stare at reality so blatantly, right in front of my eyes, to be constantly reminded of the fragility of life. that at the end of the day, there are really, really, really a lot of things that DO NOT matter. and what matters to me most, are the ones i care about.


like mommy and daddy.


we bought mommy a new camera. i really hope mommy and daddy will use the camera to make the best of memories. was encouraging them this morning to make their own blog!!! cant wait to see what they make!!! keke.

oh. and this is a beautiful camera. shall steal it when mommy and daddy are not using it! whahaha!!! we are all cam whores really!

HAPPY MOMMY'S DAY!!!

This is a tribute to FXY!!! my super roomie for year 06/07.

actually, i just want to put up this picture to irritate him! haha!!! anyway, we had as much fun as i possibly could have! keke. i kept suaning him, and poking fun, and flirting with him this entire sem! keke.

all this despite the fact that we are like both day and night. like literally. i would sleep at 11, and wake up at 7. he would work at 11 and sleep at 7.

he's had to put up with all sorts of nonsense from me, like me barring him from entering the room, like me snoring in the middle of the night, like me threatening to jump on him should he not wake up on time. indeed his usual retort to me is always "nonsense" and "whatever" followed by a his characteristic chuckle and signature smile.

unfortunately i cannot claim him for my own, cos i had to share him with certain other people!!! ahem! whose names shall not be revealed.

still, xiangyi, i love you! whahahahaha!!!!




and here is a pic of us looking all suave and acting sei. keke. below are the collection of pictures i have secretly (and lovingly) taken of him! im sure my love rivals will love to rip them off this blog! keke. well, rip away people, xy's kind love is for all of us to share!!!


the strong, chiselled, handsome superman all ready for training


superman after training at monkies. a cheeky peek under the exhausted session.


and so superman finally sleeps...


trying to blast off early in the morning!!! to save the damsel in distress!!!


XY, jeff and me! why were were in the room, i forgot..


oh right, we both were trying to kiss xy!


but he'd rather play with jerry, our resident mouse, than with us.


and when jerry has run off, XY decided to play with his rod instead.


so after playing, he emerges for breakfast, super exhuasted.


yellow, amanda and robbee.


love you two!!! muackz!

Daniel Andrew Wong.







that was when wenting, dan and me eating at Brewerks


i drove and sent Dan to the airport. Wenting just HAD to go for training. based on a perculiar logic i will NEVER understand. yes WT, i am STILL digging it at you! haha!!!

chinese/canadian. dragonboater. resident playboy. flabby ass. super fast runner. beautiful smile. pleasant personality. great friend.

will miss you dan, the man!

happy birthday valerie!!! happy birthday michelle!!!

went out with the jc mates to celebrate the birthdays of our two princesses. only to have the night at jumbo seafood messed up, to comic effect, by the king who is going to gujarat to learn how to make authentic indian curry. haha!!!


MOF lady, JW and Princess Valerie


King Ben, the tyrant and Lawyer Po

just looking at how well dressed they already are, i think my classmates are all going to be super successful in the future. keke..

i din get to have a pic of mark and mich. cos my camera phone died on me. again. ah well.

happy birthday ladies!!!

i looked down. and wondered...

how stupid could i have been. and let history repeat itself?

how dumb have i been. to let it break again.

then again. i should look at things positively.

i have always been glad for things to happened. the way it did.

and for things to end the way it did.

i wished i really was cloud boy. so i could be with the sun.

heh. ah well.

Hey peepz!

i finally learnt how to load a photo! keke...

all thanks to Ms Wen!!!

I dedicate this Jia You to you Miss Wen! and AMANDA and ROBBIE!!!

JIA YOU!!!

This time, Last sem... O_o

hey peepz!!

wah. that phrase felt so foreign yet strangely familiar.

anyway, thanks Meiling for your concern. im fine! whahaha!!! i dedicate this entry to you! SO PRETTTTTTYYYYY!!!!! LIKE OH MY GOD, I GOT 9 OUT OT 10 FOR MY QUIZ... LIKE IM SO SMAAAARRRT.... DUH...

girl, you are so paris. haha!!

anyway, just finished another essay. but i handed it way overdue. think im screwed.

anyway, am hooked now on Zhang Xing Zhe's Be Your Man, Zuo4 Ni3 De4 Nan2 Ren2. its not that the girl is pretty or the guy is cute. though, i think he's has the same vocal range as i do!! whaha.. can sing the part in my own nature voice when he sings!! haha!!! i have a very low range.

anyway, its just a nice song. just waiting for me to be able to sing that song to that certain someone special. whahaha!!! im sure you are out there! somewhere.

anyway, this goes out to all my friends, study hard!!! the sem is going to end soon. carpe diem.

i decided, sometimes, the heart must break, before it knows how to love. what do you think?

Its my God forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved.

Artist: Angela Ammons Lyrics
Song: Always Getting Over You Lyrics

Do do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do do

Do do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do do

Was I not enough stimulation
Hit by a brake the other day
Just when I thought that I'm okay
You didn't like my conversation
I can't come up with something new
It doesn't really matter what I do
So here's my observation
You could never see it through my eyes
And I'm too tired to try

So don't call and say your coming back for me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you
And don't lie and say your over me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you

Do do do do
Do do do do do

Was it too much aggrevation
Your telling me the way that I won't see
And then I change my mind you disagree
I used to be our inspiration
You chase your mind you disappear
And I know it's never over

So don't call and say your coming back for me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you
And don't lie and say your over me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you

Do do do do
Do do do do do

Do do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do do

Was I not enough stimulation
Hit by a brake the other day
Just when I thought that I'm okay
You didn't like my conversation
And I can't come up with something new
It doesn't really matter what I do

So don't call and say your coming back for me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you
And don't lie and say your over me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you

Do do do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do do

So don't call and say your coming back for me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you
And don't lie and say your over me
Don't mean nothing
I'm always getting over you

So don't call and say your coming back for me
I'm always getting over you

My Happy Ending
Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could beeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

MR500. jia you!

im giving myself until 20th March.

its nothing much. not much left in me.

we all have our journeys. looking back at past entries. i feel like i've personally been through a lot.

looking back since the last race. the last race, regatta. was when it wll started. another journey. the next race is this weekend, mr 500. and look what's happened.

what was my motivation to stay. is now my motivation to...

contextualize, contextualize, contextualize.

its not as bad as it seems. its better then i think.

do i sound disjointed? maybe cos i've lost track of my thoughts. i dont know whats going on anymore.

20th March. till then. let me whine.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin storenger
everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
In know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide oway or
Dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows
Heven knows.....2x

You didn't say anything to hurt me; it's what you didn't say that made me cry.

i wish i had a change of heart. a heart transplant? its bleeding. and the pain is hard to bear.

i wish i can run away. but i cant. i need to be here. i want to be here.

i wonder if God understands.

oh my god, peepz! screeeeeeeaaaam!!!!

just for the fun of it. haha!!!

its chinese new year!! happy chinese new year people!!!

for me, its the same protocol. reunion dinner, red packets and trying to find time to get some work done. argh. its already wednesday. and i haven started work. great.

i will be virtually gone from here for a long while. so dun miss me!!!

work, work, work. hiaz.

anyway, thanks for those who have been very supportive of me this 2 months. for listening to me whine and whine and whine. for being there for me. for lending me your shoulders. for giving me your tissues. for laughing at me and with me. for being concerned. its very touching. its friendship.

and i hope i can do the same for you all, when you are in the depths of depression. and in the turmoil of doubt. a hand to keep me going. rather than getting stuck here. for perpetuity.

thanks.

and happy new year people.

this will be the year.

no point missing someone who stops missing you

ooo...

the ignorance, the arrogance, the stupidity, the misunderstanding; one wonders the use of education.

the pointing, the eyeing, the raising of the eye brows, the pouting of the lips towards a specified direction; one wonders the use of the body.

the talking, the gossiping, the back stabbing, the joking, the bitching, the whispering, the knowing silence; one wonders the use of words.

the masquerading of pride behind humility, the dressing up of bigotry under enlightened self-knowledge, the hiding of individual vested interests amidst proclamations of community well-being.

the literature, the psychology, the sociology, the politics, the language, the theatrics.

the things i learn in schoo, the way i view the world, the way i treat my life.

oh gosh.

don't blame me for being pessimistic. just blame me for losing hope.

despite all these, i will try to do my best.

happy birthday ben!

happy new year guys!

thank you val, mich, jw, ben and pq. thank you.

hugz.

yan3 lei4 shi4 ai4 de4 hua1 huo3

***

hey peepz!

i have had a great new years eve. met 3 separate groups of friends.

just want to say I love you daryl!!! (dun worry, not in THAT sense) and am so so so glad you are back. back stronger than ever. whahaha!!

watched the fireworks.

have had a long long long year. and has been slowly picking up the pieces. most have been picked up. but some shards of yesteryear are stuck in the heart, searing and making it bleed.

but i remember from d gray man, even though allen and leenalee were heavily injured, as long as they are alive, they will recover.

and so as long as i am still alive, i will get out of whatever rut or hole i am in and become stronger.

my resolution this year, is to become stronger, mentally, emotionally and physically. in that order. my friend calls me sexy. i want to be god-damn sexy. haha! ok. you all can puke now. but i will change. i will transform. this time next year. this time next year. things will look different. things will be different. i know. it will.

heh. cap dropped. not good. jia you.

waiting waiting waiting.

the holidays has been great. if not only a continuation of tumult ever since goodness knows when.

ever realised one is descending into a whirlpool of madness and insanity?

i need to get drunk, without getting an allergic reaction.

i need to dance, without looking all too rigid.

i need to do something, without caring for anyone else.

i need to sleep, without having to worry.

i need to know, without having to cause anymore pain.

i need to eat, without getting fat.

i need to get out of this country, without having my parents grumble about money.

i need a camera, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a fashion make over, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a life, without my parents grumbling about money.

now, what do i need? i need money.

wow. that's a revelation.

so i wrote " you've waited for so long, what's waiting one more night?" and "dun expect, dun pressure, dun hope, dun push. just let things be. please."

wow. i look at that and i wonder how long i can last without putting myself under the intense pressure of self-scrutiny and criticism.

life should be simple right? why am i putting myself through unspeakable complications? life should be straightforward right? why am i going round and round the same stupid circle, only to commit the same idiotic mistakes and coming back to squre one?

life. life. life. life is worth living. so why do i feel so dead? life is great? so why do i feel so sad? hiaz.

i know the problem, i know the solution, yet the solution deludes me as i chase my own shadow. my shadow being my other half. what an apt metaphor. metaphor for the intrinsic loneliness.

im not without friends. im just without self-love and a serious way to laugh at myself, my foolishness, my idiocy, my stupidity, my immaturity, and at the end of the day, smile and accept myself in my entirety.

i seek acceptance. only i seek it from myself.

i seek improvement. only i hope to see myself improving.

i seek companionship. only i dun just want my shadow.

its weird typing all these at 2 am in the morning. only because i am letting my poetic despondence drifting into the whirlpool of madness and insanity.

i want to read dante's inferno.

sounds like an adventure.

hey peepz!

i know i have so not been posting for a very very very long time to update about my life. you know, the normal yedda yedda yedda protocol to yell to the world that im actually still alive, even if you have all forgottening i existed.

well, basically, exmas are over. so its time to resurface into the world i once knew, only to realise so little, and yet, so much has changed.

this sem has been my most horrible. haven spoken to and have missed so much friends like daryl and mel. have gone through a lot of emotional ups and downs. got to know some friends a lot better than i have ever known them like jo and dy. all in all, i think i screwed up my academics. yay.

all sem, i have only been hearing of the escapades of my sister who has practically set her foot in every decent touristy country this earth has to offer, and of my brother who has spent one entire year in korea and has finally returned back to singapore. and all sem, the hottest topic on the lips of my dad is how much money my siblings have spent thus far.

so and so, its even made me guilty for staying in hall for this 4 months because i am simply too lazy to move out. or rather, i rationalised that staying in renders the need to shift my a billion and one things back home only to wait another 3 weeks to have them shift them back here when the semester starts. so yar.

in any case, i decided to scrap the idea of getting the canon a710 camera, when that desire was lingering all year. i decided to scrap the intention of taking up biking lessons when i get opposition from family and friends. i decided to just stay in my room during the holidays more often to i can save on the dollars and cents by eating yih food (and as if i havent had enough of it).

i think alot of ideas that require stepping out of the room and spending money have to be reconsidered... haha! there is a nike end of year sale starting tomorrow. i need to handcuff myself to my bedposts just so to restrain my pangs of desperation for nike goods and a good sale just so as to save money. haha! gosh, i hope i wun chew my hand off and go to that sale all bloody and limbless...

in anycase, i see a lot of books in my room waiting to be read. and in any hope i finish them, there is still the library, thats open to 7 every evening. well, that alone can keep me occupied the whole day. not to mention regaining some of my former health levels and going on msn and watching anime. wow. i think i just created my holiday plan right here.

does it sound sad? like not going overseas like wenting has. she's in japan! that lucky IW! haha! and jo and cherylene going to shanghai. and the guys intending to go malaysia. and blah blah blah. i think i shall say i making a trip to MC-land.

all right! that's enough sulking and whining for now! life has been just a journey... such a journey.

i keep losing. really.

i lost my nerve, i lost my control, i lost my direction.

i lost my fbt shorts, my bods underwear, my nike aqua shoes, my nike cap, my rashguard.

i lost all of them today at sdba.

was totally distracted. was totally tired. was totally irritated.

i lost my sem, i lost my sanity, i lost my emotions.

whatever.

its the beginning of the holidays. and already im like that. wtf.

positive. try to be more positive.

hey peepz!

exam stress is here!

just finished the first draft of my last essay. i know. i am screwed for exams.

so taking this slight repreive before diving back in.

lent my lappy to dy whose lap top crashed. hope everything has returned to normalcy for her.

thank you joanna for lending me her laptop to finish my essay!

its times like this that you realise the sweet, sweet value of friendship.

thus said,

i miss the guys at exchange!!! jason, noel, and especially MELVIN!!! wahahaha!

there were so many questions. what was the game plan? how are we going to row? who is going to win?

it was a pretty good medal haul for nus this time round. unprecedented. guys, 2 golds, 1 4th. girls, 1 gold, 1 3rd. mixed plate 1st. its like wow. ms wen cried tears of joy. haha!

i was the drummer this time round! haha! got medals as rower, this time as drummer. next up as coxwain! haha! Vijay better make space! haha! kiddin kiddin. we will see lah. in any case, i have pretty much lost my voice. and with reference to gm's usual joke to me, i blew as hard as can. i blew and blew and blew. i hope my blowing perked the guys up. as the drummer, it was sure pretty wet and wild from where i was, and i blew and blew and blew. i blew for every guy in the team. i blew for the guys in the boat, i blew for they guys on shore. i even blew for the girls. and at the end of the day, i was glad everyone was happy. okay. if you the joke just blown over and you had no idea what it meant, think dirty. and if you got it, shame on you! haha!

to many it means much. to some its special. James is our 1 semester exchange student, and i guess db changed his life. 'nuff said. haha! i will miss that bugger. his nz/malaysian accent, and to gm, his white girls, and gm's "intellectual looks." haha!

at the same time, despite the credible results, i left with more questions, than answers by the time i reached back to my room. what will happen from now? how will people change? what will i do? options, options, options. and of course, choice versus decision.

anyway, congrats to all the winners, also, and a special mention to Jon! haha! after all your hard work with your team, i sure hope it paid off for his team.

at the end of the day, moments of happiness, moments of sadness, the fleetingness of emotions, the essential dis-utility of a medal, the gone day of another event. like they said, its always the journey, the bonds, the friendships.

time to hit the books. 1 more essay, 5 more exams. 3 more weeks. 1 more sem. and 1 ultimate decision.

the more i stay in one place, the more i feel that the i dun suit the place. for various reasons, i dun find what i am looking for. i may not know exactly what i want. just that, i am beginning to understand what i do not want.

of course, it is also always partly my fault. i haven put in enough effort, enough emphasis, enough understanding.

simultaneously, after what i have seen right in front of my eyes, i get more and more disillusioned, more and more disheartened, more and more disappointed.

im not suitable for this. im not.

loneliness is manmade.

now, if only i can unmake it.

hey peepz!

im standing in the hotel lobby using the hotel's free internet access to type this entry! how cool is that! haha!

anyway, im doing just fine here in KaohShiung, Taiwan, and so is the team! here is a little short update.

the competition here is so tough! there are teams from hungary, switzerland, germany, even USA, France, south africa, japan , korea, indonesia and taipei. it is pretty happening! generally we did pretty well. we managed to enter the 500m finals, which we were not expecting, cos we thought we came in second in our heats, but we came in first. anyway, we came in 5th for that finals. a few hits and misses.

but generally a good overseas outing. i certainly hope we have jumped more than a few steps in terms of rower maturity, experience and understanding. hope to take them home and share with the ladies and the juniors.

the competition was pretty well organized, and there has been a lot of hype for this event apparently. as usual, lots of beautiful people. the guys from europe are huge! and they make their boat sink deeper in the water. but that did not prevent them from sweeping the top honors in the competition. and we wonder what makes them champions.

the german drummer is looks like Cameron Diaz! omg. she's beautiful. even the hungrarian drummer is gorgeous with her long flowing hair and slender legs.

as for the guys. i thought the japs were the best looking. sorry wenting. shashin o torimasen. you have to ask yongming for that. they left before the last event in the competition so we din get to take photos nor exchange singlets. the next prize goes to the koreans! haha! then perhaps the taiwanese. as for the guys who will read this again in the future, there has been batista, and the ABC. two really huge, hulking guys whose biceps are as large as our thighs. oh. and also the french, who simply loved to strips bottom naked in the open public when changing out of their wet suits when they are simply just camped just outside the toilet. we suspect they wanted to display their national pride, which is hidden in their pants. ah well.

anyway, the competition is officially over. the swiss, hungrarians and the germans took most of the medals. the indonesians did asia proud by taking a third prize. i am truly humbled by this experience. despite having rowed for 2 years, i am in no position to say i am an experience nor even a expert rower. no, not even a novice rowers. having pride in nusdb, does not mean i can be a proud rowers. i recognize my own individual deficits as a rower, as an athlete, as a person. we recongizee we still have a lot to do as a team. i hope we can be there to support one another, both those within the team, and those outside.

all right, its time i try to do some reading. i can safely say, my goal of 5.0 is pretty much out of my reach, but i must "gia diao diao" and be "stubborn" and keep up with the waves, keep up with the passing boats, keep up with the waters, the stroke rate. i have to resolve my every stroke and show them what i have got. no 5.0 also got 4.9. lai!

hey peepz!

just a brief update before crashing into bed.

had a competition over at bedok again. the sava sprints! it was super exciting as usual. learned quite a bit of things, especially about composure. i realised if i simply dun think about much, i can be a lot more calm. the horrible machinations of the overly excited imaginations.

we din get any medals this time round. and boy was it a humbling experience. we thought we saw everything in penang, but when this philippines team, Carrimons, came, i thought these guys were out of this world! they beat EVERYONE by a mile! maybe more than that! haha! they are fishermen by occupation. i guess they had a good HAUL! haha! geddit geddit? like fish HAUL, gold HAUL! haha! okay. lame.

anyway, our batch of juniors performed superbly! they even beat the senior boat in a few sets in terms of timing! i really have to be very impressed by them. its a strong bunch of guys.

anyway, we will be heading off the Taiwan this tuesday to next tuesday for another competition! dun miss me. well, not like i am very much missed. herm. haha!

anyway, im getting veyr stressed, cos i have readings, and essays and presentations to prepare for! i think i need to take down that 4.8 off my wall...

until the day we come back, have fun guys!

great. i have got the flu.

AND i have got hives.

i want to stay in bed to recover from the flu, but it may be the room that's causing the hives.

wow.

i sound like i have got some kind of std... hives... eek. then i get all these bubbles emerging from my skin in patches all over my body. eek.

im beginning to feel itchy just thinking about it.

eek.

hey peepz!

decided to just come online and do some blogging. life has just gotten a bit more hectic. here are just some little updates in my life.

took part in the nus triathlon. like finally! haha! took part in the sprint event, which required me to swim 500 metres, bike 20km and run 5km. it was actually pretty easy. until the run. haha! other than that, i really thought it was a pretty enjoyable experience! i actually came in 6th in the men's closed category! wow. well, considering there were only 20 odd guys. compared with the mens open's category, i would have ranked about 50plus. i am very happy. hope to continue to train and perhaps do the full distance!

i must thank ms tan meiling for being the hospital lady she is for housing me in her room! if not i would have to have woken up at 4am to cycle to east coast from school! she stays like one street away from the competition venue. how convenient! so thank you thank you thank you! i also found out that she's probably my number one fan! she actually laughs at my himbo/auntie/nerd antics. how nice it is to be appreciated! so lets all give her a clap! *clap*

other than that, she's been really irritating asking me who i like! dear tan meiling! you better stop asking me that question before i start spreading lies, telling people that i actually like you! or that im gay. haha!

other than that, i am very happy for another dear lady fren for getting attached! to another guy fren i know! so cute! and it all started when he simply held her hand! so romantic! wah lau. worthy of a tearful smile! keke. also, one of my men from ns is getting married tomorrow!!! wah!!! happy happy events! congrats kathi!

other than that, the seasons started again, after like what? 2 weeks break. the juniors this time round are great! strong, fit and many with the right attitude! or at least, i haven gone around and meeting any with a stinky attitude yet! kudos to the exchange students! they all in my group, and i see them push and push so freaking hard, they make my efforts this last 2 years seem feeble. wah!!! so to dan-the-man, jacob, james and also to derrick koh, keep working hard guys!

dead lines coming up le. haven been cathing up on my readings. must jia you jia you le!

to melvin who is in australia now, if you reading this entry, sorry i havent been online, and whenever i am you arent. in any case, i miss you terribly! also to daryl tay, in new zealand. happy birthday trumpet boy. i miss you horribly too. i know i sound gay, but well, they are some of my closest guy friends around. just trying to be a little homoerotic, erm, i mean, metrosexual and that whatcha you call it, sensitive new age guy! whahaha!!

well, that does not mean the girls dun get mentioned too! to dear dear rendy, whos been sick and was wearing my jacket, hope you recovered! to ms wen, yellow says he's forgiven you about having abandoned him on xy's bed. he was contemplating staying with us, but you are still his sugar mommy. to cindy, (if you even read this), i know you are friendly!!! you just have to BEHAVE more friendly towards me! keke!!! also to all the girls in the girls team!!! i haven gotten to know all of you yet! but i guess beyond my closest gal friends, jul and wenya, i have gotten to know the others like yirang, cherylene, teresa, angela, angeline, all a little better. and also crazy-o-i-want-to-take-seven-modules-and-am-also-interested-in-philosophy-of-religion wenting, of whom we will be spending like 2 modules with each other this sem! and joanna! i better see you in the study room more often okay? no more lazing around!

id like to offer my profuse "love" for my guys team as well. but better not, if not they will bar me from showering with them! whahaha!

all right! that's about it for now. will update again when something tumultuous and significant has happened in my life!

cheers!

hey peepz!

after incessant requests from my ardent die-hard bakainu fan club (more like bo-liao frens who complain they keep seeing the same entry everytime they open this page) to lap up the latest adventures of my exciting, marvelous, stupendous, the-daily-trials-and-tribulations-of-james-bond-look-alike-aka-bakainu, i have decided to post something this beautiful rainy morning.

schools started. im going to the libary now to zap my required readings like now now now!

ciao!

someone stole my clothes!!!

one really nice red, and not to mention EXPENSIVE shirt i wore only once.
two really comfortable nike dry-fit singlets i bought at 30% discount from queensway.
one matching yellow saucony singlet my friend got me. now i only have the yellow shorts.

ARGH!!!

i curse that thief to eternal flames of burning coals and sulfers! i curse that the thief will fail fail fail fail fail ALLLLLLL his/her modules! i curse that the thief will trip and fall and somehow or rather drop his or her pants revealing his or her skimpy leather g-string in front of the whole student population. i curse that the thief strike jackpot of a million clothes, only to realise that it was a mistake on the singapore pools part and then AAALLLL his or her clothes get confiscated. i curse you thief! i curse you! bah!

other than that, world peace everyone. which coincidentally is an ironic statement, with the wars and the typhoons and everything. so everyone please pray for everyone else. oh dun pray for that thief. wait, no, pray that he or she gets her just desserts.

sometimes, when i whine too much, people are unable to differentiate between brainless bantering and piercing pain.

hey peepz!

here's the weekly summary of tan meng chuan's exciting week!

first of all, my parents went genting on sunday, monday and tuesday. so when the cats away, the mice will play! in my case, i went home and took the car for a spin. rather, its for many many spins!!! haha! its been a long time since i drove. and there were a few times that i think i would have almost gotten myself, or my passengers or someone else on the road killed. like literally. i am glad that has not happened, and i pray that it will never happen. in anycase, i got lost like left right and centre. one time, i got onto the ecp instead of the pie. and ended up at changi at 9am in the morning. so i simply went blading! wahaha! so fun! it was by myself. but i was glad. tried blading for the second time in my life. and no one was there to see my land on my bum like 10 times! haha! but got one guy saw me blade off the road and run onto the grass patch in a weird angle. haha! still, i want to blade more!

on wednesday, the people at okr called me at 3 and asked me to move by 4. WAH!!!! horrible!!! anyway, i said okay, cos i was so confident i could move everything shit stuff from my 5th floor room to the first floor! haha! in anycase, when i first entered the room, the room smelt like, woah! i shant reveal what sort of smell. its just, erm, pervasive. so i just kept spraying air freshener. like loads and loads of them, round after round after round, just to get rid of the smell... shant bore you with more details. the important thing is, i posted a plea for help on the msn on the night. 2 kind souls responded, Jingwen and Wenya. in anycase, they stayed too far, so i din want to trouble them by coming all the way down to school. the next morning, i came on msn to help again. this time, jul offered help. and she had the car. so i thought it was convenient enough for her to help. and i really really really really really have to thank her. with her help, we managed to move everything in time!!! yay! so anyway, i told her i will blog about this, so thank you to the power of 10. haha! in any case, i treated her lunch and dinner, should be more enough to cover for her wages! haha!

all right. what else? oh. i went for a course with weiming. very very very informative! everyone should go. an eye opener. oh definitely! in anycase, today, we went bowling! with 2 ladies! muahaha! damn fun! and i broke my record!!! now, my highest score is 147! it aint impressive, but its definitely impressing me! wahaha!

all right. that's about it for now. must make next week more exciting!!!!!!

hey peepz!

just back from my heartsavers course. now i am a certified first aider and cpr performer! keke. i took them because i want to be prepared in case something happened. however, i would wish that i need not have to opportunity to exercise them.

went to watch bay beats last night. it was pretty good! some of the bands were very very good. most of the time the lead singer was barely audible, but the synergy of the guitars and the drum and the singer was superb. also got to know my friend better too. hopefully we will get to have more opportunities to further our friendship. hope to meet up with my other friends as well.

met up with ivan and linhui just the day before. met up at holland village, and ate at thai express. then we hung out at coffee bean. so nice to see that scholar again. he hasnt' changed much. din grow as fat as i would like him to be. at least fat enough for me to poke fun. keke. i am evil.

all right. that's all for my update! enjoy your sundays folks!

hey peepz!

can you believe it? i just woke up. argh.

thats because, i actually went to MOS last night! wahaha!!! my virgin trip there leh!!! very long never club le (twice till last night). and i always wanted to go to MOS go look see look see. i din know i could not bring in water into the club. guess they are very insistent on patrons drinking! "lets get drunk and dance!!!"

the whole place was just as a expected though, lots of smoke, noise, flashing bright lights and more smoke. i swear, i just lost 1 year off my life through second smoke. the place was interested. i was mildly surprised at the retro room! so cute! they even have the dance platform they have on saturday night fever with the coloured boxed stage! haha!

however, the most interesting things happened on the dance floor. the ang mohs are so so so audacious! all the kissing, and touching, the slitering, the necking, the tonguing, and butt to groin gyrations. i was like wwaahhh!!!! noticed a few certain guys were trying very hard to get hitched, dancing from one lady to another. also got a few female couples. there was one in the "cages". it was, ahem, for want of a better word, hawt. keke. makes me wonder where are the male couples??? keke. but no matter, the angmohs and female couples made up for all the heat.

anyway, why was i there? cos ivan had invites entitling one guest free entry. his friend pangseh him (i think) so he jio-ed me. i was at the airport sending dear melvin off to melbourne. so i just hopped down after he sent his ass packing to a different land for an out-of-singapore experience. and so i hopped to mos to accompany ivan. since i kinda owe him a favour. there was a break dancing competition! it was pretty cool. i could not really see the whole thing, but i could see quite a bit. the moves, the groves, the flips and turns. it was like wow. break dancing face offs are so interesting! mr a. is like an avid dancer lah, thats why want to go. even after the competitions while we were dancing on the dance floor, he sure has some moves man! i was desperately trying to learn, and he was exasperately trying to teach. haha! i am so lousy at dancing. i was just bobbing to the music, and bioing other people. but more often i was just staring in amazing at the the angmohs and the female couples. gosh. they really moved it man!

so anyway, ivan danced so much until he was soaked through and through with sweat, and there i was clean and dry bobbing to r&b with the aircon keeping me cool. keke. by the time everything was over, i was in my room and fell asleep promptly at 6. haha!

one interesting thing happened though while i was sleeping. the recruitment agency called me. i signed up with a recruitment agency while accompanying mr tan han hao. he was looking for a job, and i wasnt but i signed up anyway. so this lady christine called me at 945, saying there is a one week temp job for me. the only thing is i had to start work today at 1230. i was like, wtf?!!! its a job at aia at raffles place. i do not have executive wear, and i do not have the energy to work today! as much as i wanted to work a short part time thingee, i prize my sleep more than anything else in the world. so anyway, i had to make a few calls, cos janice said there was another job offering at raffles hotel, but she had no idea what. so i had to call her, then call the raffles hotel, then wait for christine to call back for me to tell her no. haha! it was too rushed for me. i dun like last minutes surprises like that. especially one that compromises on my sleep. i had too much of that in ns le.

its ironic. cos things really do come when you least expect them. when you not looking for something, it comes. when you are desperately looking for something, high and low, you cant find it. and you end up being all disappointed, frustrated and angry. so whats the moral of the story. keep wanting but dun keep expecting too much.

i was talking to my dad on the phone yesterday. he was at sgh for a regular health checkup. i was like "good. you should keep healthy." and my dad was like "yar, if i dun keep healthy, how to give you money?" i was like diaoz. my dad continued, "must keep healthy yes. also must keep financially healthy." i was like double diaoz. cos i just bought my 2.5k bike remember (see last post), after much "noise" from my dad. then i was like "okok. also must keep physically and mentally healthy okay?" and my dad responded, "yar, mentally healthy ah. so next sem 5 As okay?" and i was like triple diaoz... (read one my of previous posts about my revealing of exam results to him). then i quickly and promptly ended our conversation. im glad my dad is still very much in the pink of health! keke. all of a sudden, i remembered one more reason why i am staying in hostel during the holidays and not at home. haha!

all right. time to go. its so late. still need to eat breakfast!

just be happy everyone!

hey peepz!

just got back from another tiring day.

at first i thought i could really bum around after the race is over. how wrong can i get. instead of waking up early to train, i am waking up late to grow fat! yes. fat. its meeting friends, and more friends, and eating and eating and eating. and by the time i get home, i am too tired. and i just want to sleep! keke.

one thing i am really happy about is, i bought my bike! keke. recall i am going to take part in the sprint event of the upcoming nus triathlon. so i need a road racer. i decided to go bike hunting. went to the cannondale distributor. a few people, including sean, the project director for the nus tri directed me to this shop. its a bit hard to get to. its off east coast road along 101 frankel avenue. it was my first time in a very professional bike shop. and the man who attended to me was supremely professional. he was rattling off his credentials. what ironman participant for like what 6 years le. some guy in the singapore triathlon association. some qualified judge or something. amazing. and he was so super helpful. i told him i was like a beginner in serious biking, and he was like let me show you some multimedia presentations. and while his ibook was showing how the cannondale bikes were made, he was also explaining lots of stuff to me. so overwhelmed! keke.

the cheapest bike he offered me was this 2.5k bike. i forgot the model le. its supposed to be of 3.2k value. i thought it was pretty reasonable for its being first hand, life time guarantee, and higher in quality in terms of safety and brand name. will be getting it this friday!!! so happy. can finally get some speed going! keke.

after that, met up with janice for dinner. we were going all around the place. from bugis to great world city. we wanted to go to the zara sale, cos she claimed got 70% discount. on our way, the op sale at bugis waylaid us. and i bought a polo tee for 10 dollars!!! i felt so happy. yes. i love bargains. and i think its a nice red polo.

and so off we went to great world city. had to walk a distance and then take bus. and walked some more again. she was my fashion consultant for the day. i change shirt after shirt and she was my assessor. yes, you look good. nope, not nice... whahaha! im just such a fashion disaster. i cant even discern whether i look good in this shirt or that. in anycase, there was NO 70% discount. only 30. and most of the discount applied to female clothings. what a let down. and we walked some more, deciding whether or not to buy this zara shirt with the words "touch me" on it. the words were strategically made up of a furry material and placed on the chest. i was being obscene when i wore the shirt and kept rubbing the words off my chest! keke. so funny. in any case, while we were walking, we ended up at espirit. and i ended up getting persuaded to buy this striped shirt. argh. the worse bit was, its 40 dollars and there was NO discounts!!! *slap slap* where am i going to hide my "auntie" reputation?

haha! anyway, i had fun, cos never met up with her for so long le. hope to meet up with all my other friends as well. Tan Meiling! if you are reading this, sms to tell me you are still alive. we go blading one day okay? keke.

the day after tomorrow meeting that fat, smart dsta scholar lin hui, and nurse ivan. seen ivan le. just havent seen how much fater that lin hui has become. must make fun of him. haha!

hey peepz!

i just want to say, this bright, cool and rainy morning, that i have a freaking pimple on my left ass cheek!!!!!!! i think its a pimple at least. it has been there since way long before the july race. it looks like a pimple, it feels like a pimple. it should be a pimple right??? i told my friend, and it could be some cyst or pus or whatever!!! i was like argh!!! my smooth, beautiful, bubble butt is experiencing some kind of integumentary (some fancy, scientific name for "skin") trauma!!! i know my ass will NOT forgive me for this. right now, i am constantly sitting on my right butt, cos its actually painful to be sitting on my left. i have been applying pimple treatment, but its not going away! in fact, i think, after constant feeling of my ass, hoping it will miraculous vanish, it has grown bigger!!! i tried squeezing, but its difficult when i have one hand holding a mirror just so as to be able to see my ass, and the other hand barely reaching the blasted spot. argh argh argh. my ass hurts. like really.

anyway, i had a wonderful time yesterday. i actually went for 2 ktv sessions!!! with different groups. keke. had so much fun. finally singing the songs i have been obsessively playing over and over again. esp. stefanie sun. keke. i know i will never be able to sound like yirang, but ah well. i love sun yan zi anyway. jay chou's vocal range has always been out of my league no matter what key i play his songs in. they are just so so high!!! i need plastic surgery on my voice box to stretch my range. i am after all a bass. except when i shriek everytime i realise my pimple is still there after every morning.

also, i now know where "Golden Dragon" is. its damn funny how the whole thing conspired with joanna and cherylene, and also with janice. haha. i call it "the hunt for the golden dragon". what is this "golden dragon"? its actually an arts and crafts shop in a shopping mall in chinatown! joanna was on this crusade to find craft works and a kind shop attendent at kalms, taka, suggested the "golden dragon". that led us to run through the rain for a bus, a walk to the people's park, a discovery of the largest souce of textiles i have ever see, and a discovery of the largest source of threads, beads, knitting equipment and lots and lots of arts and crafts related items. i shall bring my mom there after she retires, when she has lots of time on her hands. i think she will think she is in heaven. she will do cross stitch after cross stitch, beading after beading, knitting after knitting!!! its practically the paradise for retired aunties and stay at home moms with a penchant for all things arts and crafts. haha! also, almost everyone we asked for directions seem to know where this "golden dragon" is. is it that famous? i dunno. but its a fascinating place all the same.

all right, today, i will be off to try to find a road bike. anyone has a road racer to sell? i dun mind second hand! also, anyone an expert? i need help and advise!!!

till the next time you see me, i hope you wont find my ass assymmetrical after sitting on my right ass for so long!

hey peepz.

its so long since i blogged! argh. keke.

since the july race has found closure, i have been keeping myself so so busy, with appointments, dates, courses, and the long awaited slacking and nuaing and sleeping and you know, normal stuff i do everyday. just even more.

today, went for a standard first aid course i signed up with PECTAC. its a private teaching centre somewhere along beach road. i had to wake up damn early la. had to reach there at 8!!! i thought i might be in for a long, long, long day. i signed up because i am interested in picking up some life skills. and really, i think first aid is an essential life skill, simply because it deals with lives. i am not going to wait for the day when something happens to my dear loved ones and i simply watch them bleed or lay unconscious, or worse, have their lives slip away in front of my eyes.

in anycase, the instructor was great! he is an experienced paramedic and a super entertaining and interesting teacher! he made the class so enjoyable. i thoroughly enjoyed it. and through his anecdotes, i learned alot more about medical conditions like hyper and hypo thermia. and alot of gruesome ways to die. haha! in anycase, i strongly recommend this class. i also got to know a few child care teachers. they have to acquire this certificate as part of their requirements. so interesting to hear these two mothers, jaslyn and evelyn talk about their daughters over lunch. so so interesting. the people we meet.

right now, i have too many many thoughts running through my head. im have not been feeling well. once again, my mouth just never seem to say anything good. made things go wrong, hurt one, angered others. well-meaning intentions were shot down. ideas that run about cannot be articulated. feelings cannot be expressed. this entry is just a vague description of a lot of things i cannot describe.

frankly, life is in shambles. and what am i doing doing what i am doing?

came back and just collapsed and laid on the floor. my body was just not feeling well. was tired and slept. felt the bugs biting me. got up and got into another argument over the phone. tried to talk to another whom i felt was avoiding me. i had experiences when i thought i lost a friend. now i feel i am losing many.

how ironic. was just telling another that everytime i see the first star, i would almost always make a wish, hoping my friends would be happy and healthy. and each time, i would choose a different friend. just find a way to be happy. i just want them to be happy. that's all i wished. its ironic, cos i myself, havent found what it takes for me to be happy. sometimes, i think, i sacrificed so much for others, that in the midst, i sacrificed myself.

to have people whom i cared so so so much for, yet sometimes i feel so lonely.

i want durian, yet, i dunno if it has become a forbidden fruit.

there is so so so much repression and suppression, of anger, disappointments, and depression inside of me. sometimes, i feel that i have had enough.

sometimes i really wished i was not allergic to alcohol. cos i want to get lost in drunken stupor.

hey peepz!

just had a db race over the weekend. and boy was it another rollercoaster ride.

thanks guys for all the support you have given us!!!! especially to shiying, janice, lin hui and jave. thanks for you encouragements!

it has been a very very very much anticipated event. we have been training our asses off. and for some of us, sacrificed literally everything for this one race.

in anycase, we won the mixed and ivp golds and also a bronze!!! very happy. especially for the mixed crew. it was our first mixed gold in like 2 years!!! it was a brilliant race for them! their charge was splendid!!! eugene was in tears and so was raine. keke. so happy for them, went to hug most of them!

the pm cup. haha. ah well, the pm cup challenge trophy. sad to say for us, we got silver. ntu won. truth be told. it was a heart breaking experience. i din know what happened. in any case, when i got on shore, and hugged tat, whom i told him we would bring the cup back, i simply cried. then sean told me to suck it up. and i did. but when we gathered and i hugged dr mel, who had been a source of inspiration for me, i cried again. i stopped and i walked back and hugged reuben and i cried. and yar. with every guy i hugged, i cried, sucked it up, and cried again. im just a cry baby. haha! but it takes alot for me to cry...

the worst thing was, my parents just turned up in front of my when i had tears in my eyes!!! argh. i just waved to them and walked away. but my mom very sweet. messaged me to not be sad and asked when i going home so she can brew black chicken soup for me. keke.

im all right now. the crying simply lasted half an hour. i always allow myself time to wallow in depression and self-pity. before i pick myself up again. keke.

i was sad for many reasons. firstly, cos i felt i disappointed many on shore, many of whom i care deeply for. melvin, especially, who made me cry even before i went down to the boat. idiot. second, i told myself, there was one person i really wanted to beat, which was myself, and somehow, i wished i walloped myself even harder.

in any case, i believe we had all done our best as a team. and whichever team won was the best team of that race. im glad the race went well. no collision of boats, no false starts. the day was good, the wind was blowing, the sky was cloudy. i thought i was a beautiful day to race. and i enjoyed the row very much. i enjoyed putting my heart and soul, my mental and my body in to rowing. i enjoyed called out names, encouraging one another. i relished in trying to defeat myself.

there was one small flaw though. certain individuals from a certain boat were deliberately and indirectly taunting some other teams before the start of the race. generally, we prefer to keep quiet and focus our energies in our own boats. personally, i thought the taunting was uncalled for and displayed a certain lack of professionalism. if it was part of the team's strategy, i feel disappointed. i think i'd prefer to believe it was just some black sheeps that do not represent their team. in any case, my felt my respect for that team dropped quite a bit.

other than that, it was a good and fair race. my friend from sim was complaining that their team had to eat nus and ntu boats' back washes they were unfortunately placed in between the two boats. in any case, i wholeheartedly congratulate ntu for winning the prime ministers trophy. wanted to shake hands with all three teams, but we din get the opportunity to. haha! we were too busy dealing and reeling in our disappointments. in any case, no one came and shake hands with us either. argh. we should all have shown a little more sportsmanship dont you think?

in anycase, the "season" has come to a close. the new season will officially start real soon though! keke. and hopefully, for the next year, we will continue to mature as a team, in blood and sweet, in victories and in defeats. we train together, we stay together, as a team. even if some guys are leaving the team for whatever reason, they have and will forever remain part of the team. just as i am a rafflesian, and even as i graduated, i feel proud that i came from raffles. same with the nus dragonboat team. we are all part of a bigger whole, called family.

i lost my shoe bag.
i lost my saucony shoes.
i lost my saucony singlet.
i lost myself in a host of worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, guilt, depression.
with no one to help me.

if i am a friend, stop treating me as the enemy.

doing what makes you happy, requires sacrifices.

and most of the time, its worth it.

all i really secretly hope for, all the time, is that whenever i give someone a present, or anything at all, be it a kind act, or a simple note, the first response i would receive was "thank you."

if im going to do something, i might as well be enthusiastic about it.

aggression, desire, fire

communication, support, connection

catch, pull, recover

teammates, friends, family

strength, power, endurance

shout, scream, cry

pat, grasp, hug

stretch out, long pull, twist out

breathe in and hold it there, one inches from the blade, pull hard fast recovery

eight, nine, ten

one, two, three

guys, girls, everyone

men, ladies, everyone

jia you, lai ya, pang zai

front, mid, back

drummer, coxen, coach

you, me, us

win, lose, together

one heart, one stroke, one soul

nus dragonboat, its more than a sport, its a lifestyle.

hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?

hey peepz!

i am back at last. here's monthly summary of my great exciting life!

went to penang over the last weekend for a db competition. a big rush for a short trip cos lots of people are working and cannot extend our stay. it was another roller coaster adventure of tao sha peah, of races, of emotional upheavals, of getting to know more people.

some races were "won" and some races were "lost". we din win any medals, but i hope we managed to achieve some objectives. lots of things need to be ironed out, no, that's to mild word. more like forged in more intense flames of hard work, blood, and sweat. what lies ahead, seems, herm, formidable, yet challenging.

got to know some of the ladies better. at least got their msn! haha! yay, now i am a casanova like gm. got to know eugene sim too. hope the whole team can bond together stronger. think there are a few social problems like cliques, fear of the opposite sexes, and even homophobia, that may be psychological hindrances that are fragmentary elements in the team. i wonder if we identified it, i wonder if we saw it coming. i wonder if they will have any adverse impact.

so after the penanag trip, more misadventures like reuben lost his luggage in the airport, ah fu had his handphone taken out of his luggage and my sister's luggage got stolen by a lady-taxi-driver-bitch-who-i-hope-gets-into-a-crash-and-survive in turkey. but i am not worried for any of them. cos i know they are very strong people. all of them took it so calmly. i think if it happened to me, i would have totally freaked out. keke.

so i got home at 12 plus, packed my bag for ict, slept at 2 plus, and woke up again at 530, so that my dad could fetch me before going to work. ict is Incamp Training aka reservist aka, National Service all over again. im glad i met up with the guys again.

but overall, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. the programmes were packed. the guys were unmotivated and morale was low. as a section commander, i had to become the platoon sergeant, because the PS did not come. that meant a lot, a lot, a lot more work. i laboured till 2 and was prob the last to get into bed on one the night. and dun get me started on the ps job during the mission!

some good things happened though. i cleared my ippt for this work year. i actually got a gold! so happy, despite having had only like 4 hours of sleep the night before. 9 minutes 19 seconds. a personal best! hehe. must thank yao shuohan, and shafiee for being my greatest motivators during the run. hope to train and run faster next time. yao threatened to beat me the next time around. eddy confidently say's next year will also run faster. i beat him by 1 second. haha!

also, my dad called a second time to ask me for my password so he could check my results for me. haha! the result thing was quite a major issue. the team was busy checking during the race. i vehemently refused to check, because i was afraid it may affect me emotionally during the race. it did for some. i hope the guys will work harder next sem. for those who did will, like ahem ahem, teddy, winston, and (even) alex! haha. no lah. kidding. alex worked hard too. harder than the last sem at least. but credit must be given to him for being smart enough to spot the right questions.

so anyway, my dad checked and calmly told me my results. it was not bad really. did not get that 4.8 on the wall, but it was my personal best results thus far. the cold water came when my dad was like, "so many A-. there is a difference between A and A- you know. 5.0 and 4.5... such a big difference with one stroke. next time get more As okay? well done..." okay, i think i quoted him pretty wrongly, and i think i exaggerated a few parts here and there just to increase the dramatic effect for blogging purposes. but you guys get the picture right? haha! no worries. i not affected, i just hope to do EVEN better the next time round.

okay. that's all for now. have to go prepare for training le. missed yesterday's one, cos i thought i needed a good break after a long hectic extended week. heard trainings gone up. hope morale wont be affected by insensitivity. let's all jia you!

hey peepz.

its 6 in the morning. back in the bunk. just sent my sister off at the airport. she should be halfway round the world to turkey by now.

she's there on some volunteering teaching thingee. then she's off to Leeds, UK for her SEP. jetsetting once again, that little adventurous lady.

so im online for awhile, cos i got hungry and am eating something.

a while ago, my grandma was on the phone. she has her own expectations for us, the grandchildren. so far, im pretty much the black sheep. cos im doing political science. in her cruel words holds a speck of truth. a truth i hate hearing. a truth that i am forced to listen to, silently, grudgingly. a bitter medicine to reality. i rely on my parents too much. im not independent enough. why am i doing things that are unnecessary? i should be out there working my ass off to support my aging parents. rather than doing all these useless stuff. what useless stuff, i shant deliberate.

i have wasted time. wasted too much time. just simply spending time, socializing. if my parents knew what i have been doing, going out, movies, dinners, smsing, and the like, they would scold me till the cows come home. yes, perhaps, they do not understand the life of their lazy ass of a son. and yet, too, within their words, i trace that similar kernel of truth. perhaps it not that i am doing it, but i am doing too much of it.

the contradictions of family.

i am always forced to face the excesses of my own life, my own lifestyle. in the pursuit of my own goals, perhaps, just perhaps i have gone a little too far.

a friend told me to stop thinking. and just feel and enjoy the moment.

for some times, it works.

for other times, when i feel nothing for it, and i think nothing of it, would i be nothing to it? and conversely, will it become nothing to me?

ah, nothingness. a buddhist tenet. sometimes, i thought i would be a buddhist monk. renounce the ties of earthly pleasures, and release myself of guilt and pain. and many a times, thought it might actually be worth it. afterall, i just run away from the first sight of danger, of threat. i just run away. and after the run, i will for a brief period forget what happened, and be left with deep breaths, a sweaty body and an adrenaline rush.

ah running. that's what i do. every sun, tues and thurs, at least. i run in the sun, i run in the rain. i run with people, i run alone. i run when i am happy, i run when i am sad. i run when i am healthy, i run when my knee hurts. i run, i run, i run. is life a race? where i just have to keep running? when can i stop? take a break? when i halt this cycle of neverending step after step after step? can i? should i? can i swim instead?

that's what it sometimes is. a bore. a cycle. the same thing again and again and again. the pleasures, the hurting, the highs, the agony. of being there, of being somewhere else. of being chosen, of being left behind. of proving, of more proving. of caring, of neglecting. of remembering, of forgetting. of abandonment, of slavish obedience. of loyalty, of blindness. of doing it for whom, and of doing it for what.

in my groggy mind of tiredness, i carry a burden. a burden of burdens. one i have only heaped upon myself. in my weary body of weaknesses, i dig a grave. a deep grave of burrowed minutes and hours and days and months. in this grave, i shall fall in with the weight upon my back, descending into the mani-folds of forgotten time.

death. it shouldn't be something to be feared with all one's life. it would deter one from living. being alone. it shouldn't be a driving force for life. it would stop one from understand the self. anger. it shouldn't be a lasting emotion. it would only blind oneself to moment one should live fully in.

have i spoken too rhetorically? too metaphorically? only because i am not thinking. just feeling. and here, let my feelings flow and translate into words of cryptic riddles. as i rest silently by myself, on my bed of passing time, calmly waiting for death.

oh. time to dry the clothes again.

i wish i would stop being so afraid, so scared, so fearful, so worried, so obsessed, so disillusional, so hypocritical, so confused, so unsure, so half-hearted, so depressed, so all-over-the-place about everything everytime.

its a nice early rainy morning.

going to do webcasts.

have fallen ill. my throat aint feeling that well.

feeling sucky.

screwed up exams.

haha!

still got 2 more.

ganbatene, bakainu-kun!

i am a depressing, psychopathic, egoistical, egotestical snob who simply refuses to listen, rejects hope and gives none. an escapist on the run from all things real. a jealous little man envious of other's possessions and superiority. an person unappreciative of the wonders God has done for him. a blockhead with little inherited intelligence, and with nothing but a penchant for making others angry and upset. all of you have no.... i... dea...

dun worry guys. its just one of my philosophical reflections about bored o' myself.

how do i know i am really going crazy from all this studying?

when i keep thinking of how hard i am determined to study last semester's subjects after this semester's exams.

hey peepz!

its exam eve! keke.

tomorrow, my exams officially start. and so why am i blogging? i feel saturated. my mind is full of statistics, my stomach is full of instant noodles, my hair is full of moisture. so shall while my time away before i head off to my good o' bed.

frankly, i am super scared this sem. not as prepared as last sem. this sem went oh so wrong, so wrong. too many things happened. too many things happening. so happening right? and who says i dun have a life as a mugger aka living resident of yih?

still, the time has come. the exams aint going to wait for me to be ready. having finished studying or not, having gone through my notes once, twice, a billion times or none at all, having downed cup after cup of coffee mixed with milo/ovaltine, having forced to wake up early to fight with the irritating people who always book their seats at yih overnight, having taken more periods of naps than periods of studying, having written notes after notes, having tried to read and absorb what t-distribution is, having worried about all my other untouched subjects, having stressed over not doing my exercise regime and went to swim instead, having to comfort overly-worried/overly-confident/overly-pyschotic friends, having to sleep less than 8 hours, having... uhoh, its 1045. time to sleep.

anyway, having to do all those above and more, the exams are officially here.

so ready or not, here i come!

ps. to ms chua, dun think too much, and I and He will pray for him. everything will be fine.

to alex, stop blogging/socializing/worrying and study.

to everyone, whom i have run out of time to mention, cos i really have to sleep, GOOD LUCK!!!

oh, and to YOU. keke. good night!

hey peepz!

this is a rare sight. me blogging. its so infrequent that i blog now, that even i dun know where i have disappered too, let alone you all, my faithful readers. haha.

and why am i so free? lets say i am enjoying a half hour intermission. i finished my one out of 2 term papers of the sem. (its so wierd to have so little term papers. i remember doing 11 just 2 sems ago.) and so that marked the end of my assignments for the sem.

shall do a little review of my sem once the exam ends, which starts in 9 days for me. will end on the 3rd of may. hiaz. here we go again.

shall not gripe that much. everyone is so freaking stressed. everyone is mouthing "gone! gone! gone! this sem is gone! people are griping about getting Cs. some are depressed over B pluses. i know someone is gripping over an A- grade for his or her test. wtf right? ah well. the point is, the world's a bitch, get a leash.

i saw this on someone's pencil case: "I am dead. I am like so dead can." i wanted to laugh out loud in the study room. i was imagining myself saying that in the most bimbotic way possible. and i thought that described my own sem just perfectly.

ah well. shan't say how fat i have become. shan't say how much i am lacking in my prescribed exercise regime. shan't say how far behind in starting my revisions. shan't say what sucky grades i have gotten so far. shant' say what sucky grades i am destined to get. shan't say my life is in a mess (cos alex just tidied up the room again, after alex, mel, jul and wenya already tidied up once). shan't say i am lonely or feeling alone, or that i lack friends, or that i lack love, or that my social life is practicallly none existent. shan't say i find that there are so many cute people in the study room who make me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are people out there who are studying harder than i am, and making me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are team mates out there who are working their ass off, and are making me feel inadequate. shan't say my life is terrible, terrible, terrible, because, really, truly, sincerely, there are people who are suffering worse fates than i am.

i will just say, that i am in charge of my own life. and to find myself in this situation at this present point in time, in this present life, in this present circumstances, i will strive to work hard, and encourage myself to do better, and push myself where i can, when i can, how i can, in order to be able to look back with no regrets and say, "i did it."

and until then, i am dead, i am like so dead can?

hey peepz!

i just got back from a field trip from the zoo and the night safari! damn shack! just observed the primates cos my lecturer is a primatologist. but pretty fun!

we had to zip from one point to another though. cos lots to see. lots to learn.

was telling the rest that i want to be able to go there walk through slowly. and take lots of pictures! haha!

after the exams i hope.

that is if i survive the next few weeks. i am telling you. its going to be deadly. and one lazy move means i will be dead.

haha!

survival of the fittest. natural selection. evolution. the wonders of what i learn from this module. i hope i can get an A.