decided to blog and expurge inner frustration before i set off on another long trek into the centre of the world of utter desolation called books.

first. i was very irritated by my mom. you see, my mom works in this pharmateutical company called Baxter. it is an american company and was rich enough to hand out scholarships and bursaries for the children of the employees. so one day, my sister came up to me in school and asked me to fill in application form. i was very surprised. at first i did not know what it was. but when i realise it was a form for a scholarship, i was already quite irritated. i have filled up such forms before in a vain attempt to convince high flyers that run big MNCs that my 'A' level grades of AABB, and my lacklustre cca record was worth that 10 seconds of their time to even look at the fom. And all these forms individually need 1 to 2 hours of filling up/justification/essay writing just to get completed. and this form from my mother was of no exception. so i hastily filled up the form half-heartedly. mind you, i only filled up the blanks that required direct information like my name and address. there was this part which asked me questions like "what exceptional events have influenced you... blah blah blah." and i gave it back.
then today, my mom called again and insisted that i fill up another form because i had 'doctor's handwriting' and i needed an appraisal. an APPRAISAL???!!!! ie. that means i need to get an NUS lecturer to write a report saying what a wonderful student i am. question. how many lecturers teach you directly? me? 2 so far who bothers to remember my name. 1 is mr nerney (refer to my previous blog on how i hate him) and 2 my physics tutor (refer to my previous blog on how i hate him too). so there. 2 tutors who know me by name simply because i was a terrible student. how am i supposed to get an appraisal? i detest even to ask them for anything. furthermore, i have no time and have no intention of making the time to approach them personally to request for this. and when i tried persuading my mom how i am not able to get an appraisal, she insisted that i try. "mom, i have bad grades." "go try." "no lecturer is going to give me an appraisal." "go try." "mom, i dun want to do this." "go and try." ARGH! i was at the photocopying room in the central library. i think i attracted a lot of attention. i was so pissed. but its my mom. my energy was so drained. i just sulked and agreed to everything that she was telling me. "just ask your professor. must try. dun say you dun want to try. dun say you dun have time."

have your parents forced you to do things that you never liked doing? probably a billion times. have you argued with your parents over things you refuse to do? probably another billion times.
i am probably going to have to go through this one more time.
i am going to hell for being the unfilial son that i am.

second. went to the diam chrysler workshop today. cool place. hydrogen fuel cell cars. learnt alot today. maybe by the time i can afford a car, i might want to consider this. right now, hydrogen fuel sells at $25 per kg. the car runs 120km on 1.8kg. mel says travelling from bedok to clementi and back is 120km. how much do you have to pay per day? go figure. the guy at the workshop says that hydrogen fuel cell cars will probably substitute petroleum-run cars when fuel prices are as high. i was thinking, when they become that high, i would not even bother about getting one at all.

three. typed a long paragraph bitching about my physics tutor. decided to take it off. dun want to bitch no more.

four. training is tough. i have to date 5 blisters, 2 gashes and one almost broken thumb because i hit the gunrail one too many times. going to do the same thing, if not tougher again tomorrow. pray that i live to finish my assignments. oh but i cant really complain, PQ's ones are worst. you should see it. he describes his blisters as "juicy". and yes, they look like juicy peaches. only, that you dun want to bite into them.

five. i want to say again, that its not that i dun like the flower that julianna gave me. its just that the fact that someone would give me a flower because she was on a dare, just made me feel such a loser. that i could only get something in that context. but i like the flower, cos if there's anything to feel comfortable about, at least i got a flower right? i hung it to dry in my room. I mean, its nice that julianna could approach me even if on a dare. it means i am approachable right? haha!! nice enough at least, right? it means i am not a gone case right? i think, when PQ reads this, he is going to tell me not to delude myself. haha!!!
on a more macabre note, it reminds me of beauty and the beast, waiting for that kiss before the last petal drops, waiting for her before i die. haha!!! how romantic.

i realise that i only get enough inspiration to blog after reading a few of my favourite blogs of my closest friends. haha!!! wierd.

anyway. yeah. happy v day everyone. it was generally good. good moments and bad moments. happy moments and lonely moments. ah well you get the picture. spent it off studying with alex and my books... ooo... so romantic, then having a midnight run with gm. ooo... so romantic. then gm and i were sitting under the stars all sweaty and half naked... ooo... so romantic... talking about his favourite topic (again), girls. ah well. what to do. the topic is so much more apt for two guys on a lonely valentines day. ooo... so romantic. so how was everyone's v day? back in the good o' days of raffles boys school, valentines days is always replaced by 'friendship day'. wah... so corny. missed this one time when zx gave all of us bookmarks made out of transparency and using our names as acronyms for adjectives. how memorable. still have it stashed somewhere in my treasure chest. and then when you go into uni, it seems almost a sin to buy a gift for someone of the same sex. oh, this only applies to guys. the girls were all happily giving away sweets and flowers to other girls AND guy friends. single, unattached guys can only wish they have someone to give it to. well, for me to give anything to my guy friends is a cardinal sin. and besides, i have no cash.

oh i got a rose though, from this DB girl called julianna. dun get all excited just yet. she basically rushed in front of me and said very very very discretely and very very very secretively, that she was being dared to give this flower to the nearest guy her friend saw. i just happened to be a familiar face. stunned. touched that i was actually given a rose. but all that quickly degenerated to a sort of loathing after realising the meaning behind it. ah well. then i got to take a picture with wenya, another DB gal, who was basically dared to take 36 pictures with 36 different guys. hmm... i guess thats probably the closest thing i could ever get to a romantic encounter. a picture with a total stranger. haha!!! wonderful v day. the only thing i was kinda glad about was that i was able to parade about and show off to everyone that i have this rose. it means, someone gave it to me, which means i am not all that gone case.

still, not forgetting the tradition from my all-guys school, i want to wish all my friends a very happy valentines and happy friendship day.

heya guys! its 230 in the morning and i have training in 8 hours. wow.

anyway, never thought ktv was that fun and that that funny. went to party world at somerset with jason, teddy, jiahe, dr melvin, guomin, alex, melvin, poqin and xiangyi. we sang from 11 to 3. wow. at the end of it all, it was kinda of an eye opener. dr melvin is a damn zai singer lor. if he sings those ballads to the girls, i am sure they will faint. haha!!! jiahe was kinda shy. only sang 2 songs. po qin worse. only sang one song. sun yan zi's wo men the ai. he's okay. po! you always talk so much, but come to singing diam diam one. how can? where's the confidence? where the thick skin? you are going to be a lawyer, so you better start singing like a lawyer. unless you are going to make us pay for every dollar-worthy word that comes out of your mouth, in which case, go ahead and spend 16 dollars in a ktv and not sing. haha!!!
jason is such a rocker, and he can go on and on and on and on. xiangyi also. my voice was like gone after the first song. teddy was really sporting too! he sings like a tenor, like pavarotti, only more hip. haha!!! and melvin can really sing too! so impressed by his rendition of liangzi's zi yue. well, whoever can enunciate the words quick enough is always impressive. well done!

okay okay. i gtg sleep now... training... zzz... dun want to sleep in the boat.

night peepz! oh. and happy fourth day of the new year!

happy chinese new year peepz!!! i hope everyone has their ample share of red pakets and ba kwa and all sort of sweet and fattening goodies!!! haha!!!

went over to my grandma's yesterday for my reunion dinner. my uncle and aunt were there too. however my mom decided to visit her mom in malaysia, so our family runion dinner aint that all complete. but ah well. its not like it is a bad thing. my other grandmother over in Kedah is aging, so i understand my mom's desire to visit her. well, my paternal grandmother seemed well yesterday, and i am very happy. she did not complain about her poor health nor nag at my brother about his yellowing teeth, nor ask why i did not major in accounting. it was a very nice and pleasant gathering. and i was very pleased.

one wierd thing for me was that, because i had been staying in the hostel for about 2 weeks now, without going home even once, i felt very happy when i saw my dad and my brother. its like i missed seeing them, even if it was for 2 weeks. i wont say much about my sister cos i see her almost everyday. it was a little funny. cos i imagined that this would be the sort of feeling for future gatherings when the children have all grown their wings and flown away to set our new nests away from the home we grew up in, and meeting only 3 or 4 times a year on special occasions.

so today, on chinese new year, my dad had to work and my mom is still in malaysia. so left the three children to fend for themselves. all i did the whole day was to do what i usually do every year on chinese new year, eat, sleep and watch television. haha!! how productive. this is because i have no relatives to visit and most of the shops are closed and i presume all my friends have their own relatives to visit.

its a good break from all work though. i refused to think about work, even though the thought that all this pile of work still exists and remain there for me to clear is till at the back of my mind. and i got a few panic attacks throughout the day. a clear sign that i am a workaholic who just cannot relax. haha!!

anyway, on days like these, i usually become nostalgic and do nostalgic stuff, like go through my old stuff, or read my diary. today, i watched this cartoon series i have since about 4 years ago. no, its not transformers, unfortunately. its this anime called FRUITS BASKET. its about an orphaned girl who got to associate with this family whose members are cursed by the spirits of the chinese zodiac. they change into animals when they get hugged by the opposite sex. i love the show. i watched from the first to the almost last episodes (i lost the last vcd) and i cant help feeling so heart warming. for some of you who know the show, i know the show is very "girl" (japanese anime and manga are stereotypically divided into those for 'girls' and those for 'guys'. very sexist i know) but its really a very humourous show about relationships, and being accepted by others, and opening up to others. its about love and how one should handle it. its really good. i love the soundtrack especially. i am not afraid to admit it, but it is one of the rare cartoons that got me crying no matter how many times i watched it.

there are two episodes especially that i love. basically, all these people who have the curse (they turn into animals) are excluded from love and social life. and they all yearn to be accepted by "normal" people, to play with them, to have relationships with them. the show brings out their agonies and sadness. until this girl called HONDA TOHRU comes into their life. she is the innocent, sweet, blur, undiscriminating, earnest and oh so cute protagonist who changes their lives by accepting them and enthusiastically wishes to know them. she becomes their beacon of hope and comfort in a world where they are shunned and excluded. there is one episode where Hatori, the cold unfeeling doctor was moved by his assistant, Kana (who was unaware of the curse) and inevitably they fall in love. he discribed her as the 'warm spring breeze' who melted the snow in his heart and 'ten years of happiness had come all at once.' it was a beautiful romance. and this was despite her eventual discovery that he turns into a sea horse (in japan, the sea horse is a representation of the dragon) but she accepted him for she loved him and she wanted him to accept her as well. this was a big and moving moment in the show. until of course, the head of the family, Akito, a miserable, terrible bully (dun ask why, he just was) objected to their marriage and blamed kana for her inability to life the curse. he broke a vase and the fragments blinded one of Hatori's eye and Akito blamed Kana for that too. in the end, Kana got very ill for she blamed herself for everything. then Akito convinced Hatori to erase her memory (Hatori had the ability to erase memory. dun ask why, he just had it), for what was making her ill, was the memory and love she had for him. then there was this scene of snow falling, then both Hatori and Kana were alone in a room, crying and sad, as Hatori erased her memory. she was crying and said, "i am sorry i could not protect you", and as Hatori, at the moment when he zapped her memory, teared and said "i am sorry i could not protect us", then the background music seemed to be the saddest thing you would have ever heard in your life.
of course, i cried. and my nose ran. and felt soo damn sad.
if you were to watch the show, watch it for this scene. i guarantee you, the girls will cry buckets and the guys, if you have any feelings at all, will surely tear.

i will tell you guys the other episode another time.

hey peepz! am in school now, waiting for my project mate meiling, who has gone home. we are going to pia (sounds sooooo wrong) our project. sigh. our presentation is like tomorrow and we are not even half way there, despite having met for 4 times and discussed and debated and talked and laughed. sigh.

she went for bible study, then needed to go home and get her indonesian maid to vet her bahasa indonesia essay. then she is going to come back and bunk at her gal friend's place at raffles hall. and i am going to raffles hall and go into the same room with her. woo hoo!!! its like a fantasy come true. only we are going to discuss about our presentation. haha!!! i declare that this is going to be the closest thing i will ever do in terms of getting intimate with somebody of the opposite sex. oh, and the door is going to be open.

anyway, that is not the main thing i want to complain about. i want to complain about my project. here's the question:

Give a presentation/write a paper on the relationship between religion, rationalism and political ideology. Explain how each of these three empower nationalism and why ideology is considered to be vital to the effective use of political power in the long-term.

the question is damn hard lor. the question is really a sum of three questions. meiling and i could not get past even the first term "rationalism". sigh. the terms themselves are in fact vague and so difficult to specify. we had a plan last night and wanted our professor to vet, but he refused on the basis that it was not fair to the rest of the presenters, that we had his help, but not the rest. i understand where he is coming from. but i think he is just lazy. haha!!!

so, we have this 2 year 1s, meiling and i, lost amidst a sea of year 2s and 3s, totally confused and panicky. sigh. and there is no such thing as year 1s get a little more leniency. its like the adult society. its not about seniority. its about ability. either you are good, or not, year 1s, 2s, or 5s. and everyone gets marked on the same scale, on the same bell curve. crap.
and this is the same for 3 of my other modules. this sem is so screwed. i am going to get like a 2.5. i am going to have to quit dragonboat. i am going to be asked to leave usp. i am so screwed. and i sound like a himbo. haha!!! outlet, outlet. gimme a chance to whine. again. haha!!!

anyway, i will blog again tomorrow once my 20 minutes to infamy ends and whine somemore.

ciao!

hey peez. felt another urge to just blog.

just finished my how technologies work and uncertainty tutorial. quite aride within thouse four hours. i was quite depressed cos i was deemed very noisy. haha!! felt so ostracised. felt so stupid. felt as if every word i spoke, every question i asked was simply a reflection of my non existing intelligence. sigh. it makes me wonder if i have become one of those kind of people. you know the sort who are always perpetually alone. the sort who has been judged dumb even before i think. the sort who do not even have the right to speak, the right to be there, the right to breathe. a tropical Mr. Bean. but even dumber, and more worthless. what am i doing in usp? what am i doing in nus? what am i doing on this earth? its a crushing feeling. to be excluded. its bad being excluded by friends. but to be excluded by strangers. they seem so non chalent about you, if fact, they detest you. your being is toxic, a nuisance, a bother. just shut up.

yeah, that sort of feeling lasted for a good forty five minutes. its was bad. thought i should have just exploded there and then and perish and disappear into the oblivion that everyone wishes all the politicians and ex-lovers go to.

actually, i was more worried that i have gotten into the bad books of my professor. i can so see my class participation points fading out and re-emerging as a negative number. sigh. he hates me. they hate me. the world hates me. i should just lock myself up in a room and rot.

sigh. now i need to work harder. and try to appear smarter.

sorry for this entry being so negative. its just not me. i just need an outlet to purge. sorry that i have to vomit all this nonsense on everyone. now, i feel like i need to take a bath, cos i stink of negativity.

its another bad day. thats all.

just felt like blogging right now, since i am still waiting for my hair to dry.
was hoping that naruto, my favourite anime would be broadcasted in japan today, so i could then download the latest episode over the night. but thats going to happen only tomorrow. so now, i am downloading the theme songs into my new lap top. i am so happy, cos i am enjoying my favourite theme song. cant wait to watch the next episode.

okay. sorry. the urge to type has just left me. just want to say hi to all of you i guess.

oh. yeah. not talking does not mean stopped loving. yeah.

good day everybody.

heya peepz! i just moved into Prince George's Park (PGP) at nus. yeah!!! i am so happy. it has always been my intention to move into this quiet, quaint hostel since school started. i din not want to stay in semester 1 because i wanted to take my driving lessons. AND with the intention of PASSING, so that i could actually DRIVE my things into my new room. ah well, dreams shatter when you fail a driving test.

still, i am beginning to like my room, even though its only on the second floor, and the only view i have is the other blocks. and even if its the other blocks, the girls keep their blinds down and the guys are just happy enough to walk around the room half naked. not that i want to see half naked guys. i mean, they are all mostly scrawny chinese scholars. talk about eye candy. i rather just keep my own blinds down. and stare at the mirror. *eeeeewwww.* narcissist. and not that i am that good looking either.

talking about looks. its just interesting to see how so many of my friends tell me about their experiences of being picked up. only that my friends are guys, and they get picked up by other guys. another *eeeeeeewwwwww.* its just plain humourous la okay. PQ, Melvin Keng, Alex Lim. sigh. i wont go into details. usually when any of my friends recall their horrifying experiences, i always joke and complain why no guy want to pick ME up. okay. firstly, i cannot compare how ugly looking i am to the rest of my handsome/hunky/good looking/gay-attracting friends. i humbly accept this sad fact that i will carry, no, wear with me for the rest of my entire life. look, even GM got head hunted by a modelling agency along orchard road. i feel left out. Oh and secondly, not that i want to be picked up by men. its just that, how i wish some non-biased, total stranger will just approach me and comment on how attractive i am. haha!!! i feel so vain. but at the same time, i feel a little hollowness in my self-esteem. i am just human. and every human wants to be acknowledged of their beauty, either the inside or the outside. ah well. just another wishful thinking, another futile fantasy.

does anyone want to hear anymore whining? okay here's more. i am breaking out. i have another two more PIMPLES. oh.... how i hate those yellow little pus filled icky sickening goo. its painful and it focuses all my ugliness into this one big, obvious and obnoxious dot. oh god of appearances and all things beautiful, please spare me of the agony. have i done anything wrong??? i swear i will buy more beauty products to appease your anger! if body shop is not enough, i will upgrade to biotherm! i swear! just make them go away! make them go away! i know i have not been applying toner! i will get one tomorrow! please just dun let me have an outbreak!!!! cant' believe how dramatic i can get with pimples.

anyway, my best friends in DB are all complaining about how they will never get the nus jacket, which i heard is very ugly. its just making me a little worried. cos i was not concerned at all about it. i know my friends will suan me and say i will make it and all. but the truth is, the notion of whether or not i will ever get the jacket has not made such a big impact on me. i think something is wrong with me. i think i got my values wrong. but i concluded that what i think are more worthwhile, others might disagree. and vice versa. all i know, i am just going to go out there and do my best, plus a little bit more extra. i believe as long as you do your best, that's all it counts. if at the end of the day, the jacket is out of your grasp, it only means you have to work a bit longer before you get it. will i be disappointed if i dun get it? you bet i will, but i know i wont complain about it, and just work harder. okay, maybe i will just go to my bed and cry for one night but that will the most i will allow myself to wallow in the pit of self pity.

a second person called me "insensitive" today. shocked. sigh. i guess after so long, i am still as blind as a bat, and as borish as a pig. i thought i would have made some improvement since the last the time the first person labelled me such. but i guess i am wrong. apparently i dismissed someone's accomplishments this one time. i really did not know. sigh. its kind of ironic, because i was telling a friend that our mutual friend needs to do some introspection, and that he should not be so hyper sensitive. it looks like i may need to do a lot more of introspection myself and be more sensitive. well, thanks for the frank feedback buddy. its things like these that are required to shock you out of the comfort zone and think twice about a situation you have always thought was going well. it may turn out that you may have deluded yourself while wearing your own tinted sunglasses. i hope i will get more of such feedback in the future. put across in a constructive and nice way of course, lest you break my fragile heart.

i dun need a social life. i have one right here and i am going to fix it.

but first i am going to sleep. so i will fix it tomorrow.

okie. i just made a public apology to GM, but he told me to take it off. cos it would just make him look worse. anyway. im sorry man.

hi guys! i am helping my sister do a little promotion here. you see, my sister who is 2 years younger than me, is now year 1 in nus together with me. she's studying real estate in school of design and environment. also, she is in this club called club X. not its not a club that does porn videos or that sort (even though a club that studies porn as an artistic form would be extremely popular). well, she's like taking charge of this little project that sells recycled glass bottles that are really cute, and of which are all individually hand painted with cute and colourful pictures of sea creatures and words that say "i love you" and stuff like that. the empty bottles are going for like 7 dollars. but that's not all, they can also be bought along with guppies and oxygen stones for about 10 dollars. oh i forgot to mention, that club X is a branch of this charity organisation called Youth Challenge. and this project of selling bottles and guppies will naturally be proceeds towards good causes. so i hope you guys will be supportive of good causes and also primarily of my sister and buy something! anything! you can place orders with me and i will send it to you personally when you meet me at wherever i dictate we meet. so please support us!

oh. when i came home, my sister was excited when she told me that GM bought the first bottle from her. i laughed. cause i knew GM was a sucker for girls (erm. that sounds really wrong. but ah well. its funny.) but i din expect him to be have agreed so easily to buy the bottle and guppies for 10 dollars. i always knew he was kind and has soft spots. but for what? charity or girls. hm....

yeah! i got my laptop at last. sigh. its been long time coming. should have gotten it like last sem. everything would have been a lot simpler. ah well. at least its here. so happy. i can at least keep up with Dr Ethen Putterman and Dr Kripa from my PS lectures. they speak so fast. luckily i can type as fast. if only i could write as fast. then my essays wont be found lacking of pertinent information.

but i do hope i wont fall into the insidious trap of MSN-ing, or mindless surfing, or reckless downloading, or anything related that would distract me from my work. if the laptop is for anything, it is to aid me with my work, not hamper me. so i decided to keep a zen approach for my laptop. no downloads. no msn chatting (although my msn will be turned on if i need desperate help). no net. anyway, with all the work that has suddenly appeared like the way age has caught up on me, i can be assured i may not even have the time to boot up my lap top. haha!!!

i love positive people. they are the encouraging ones. the ones who will listen to you and wont judge you. they are the ones who will cheer you and make you look at the brighter side. they are the one you want to be with when you are down. and with these people, you want to make the effort to be like them. cause being angry and upset, and worse, staying angry and upset will only hurt the ones closest to you, and the ones who want to get close to you. one day, i will be like these people, when the negative thoughts or gremlins or devils whatever you may call it, are bombarding me with groundless, mind-numbing and esteem-dumbing calls, shrieks and echoes, i want to be stand firm, ignore them and pick myself up and carry on walking.

actually managed to wake up in the morning to go sculling. was so proud of myself. but was feeling pretty wretched though. i only slept less than 3 hours, while scratching my self because the usual allergic rash has started, and simultaneously obsessed in my the idea that need to wake up.
its a really terrible process. i would rather have just slept like baby with no care in the world like a certain drunk i sent home the night before.

ah well. all was fine i guess. in a way, relieved everyone is still alive and comfortable at home and not lying in the ditch somewhere knocked out by alcohol and has his wallet, clothes and valuable taken away by a passing garang guni man.

today's sculling competition was a memorable one, probably for its entertainment value really. haha! none out of the 6 of us got into the finals tomorrow. firstly, i want to apologise to jason, ah fu and alex for rowing too fast. you see, i was the first guy, so i had to set the pace. but basically i was pretty inexperienced. we could have beaten ntu, who beat us by 2 secs. which was a long way off compared to being beaten by the team from coral secondary and bukit panjang secondary by more than a minute. the boys were jubilant. for me, it just felt weird. i mean come on, we only came for 4 or 5 sessions max, and these boys have probably been training for a year or so. to be beaten because of the gap in skill, i understand. but still, to be beaten by a bunch of immature, kiddish boys, is still, hm, weird. then in the individual races, none of us managed a good enough position. two notable things, was one, when i was racing, the metal frame of my bolt lost a nut, and then came off, rendering the boat un-scull-able. i was like. damn! and i was ahead of this bukit panjang kid on my left. i knew i was going be beat him with brute strength and undeniable determination. well, was could i do? i guess god knew i was going to win, so he put a stop to me. haha!!! kiddin. the second thing was zhijun, during his own individual race, capsized twice. once at the start line, thereby causing a delay of half an hour. then while he was racing, he capsized again. apparently, it was because the boat was faulty. we thought he was going to catch up and win, but the oar got wretched out by zhijun's overwhelming power. because he was going at quite a fast speed, he capsize was quite a spectacular sight. he went in hard and fast. ah well. and because of the delay, alex, jiahe and me have a really bad tan. ah fu and his gf were lucky to have an umbrella. i can feel the heat radiating from my skin still.

anyway, its too bad that none of us got in. but the good news is that we can go straight to kallang for what we are originally trained for: dragonboating!

all in all, i thought the sculling experience was a very unique one. its not a sport i will pursue though, cos i like db better. but it can always be done once in a very long while as cross training, or when you are just sick and tired of db.

hey hey hey peepz! i have like just gotten home at what 330 in the morning on the 22nd of january. well, i can say i just had a blast of a birthday party just now!!! and now i am really shack. well, just want to blog my thoughts and feelings before the feeling gets too surreal to remember when i awake in 3 hours time.

well, basically, me and db buddies -- jason, alex, ah fu, stanly, guomin, po qin, stanly, xiangyi, melvin and riesal -- all went to the arts bash at rouge. it was kinda fun. had a lot of drinking, had a lot more dancing. was kinda high. but it feels different cos i felt comfortable with the company. or maybe its because its only my fourth time in any club.
anyway, it was a different kind of high. i had like a bottle plus a glass of beer, then a shot of vodka, then a few sips of long island tea. it was like woosh! at one point of time i could not keep my balance, but i managed pretty well. danced quite happily with the gang to some dance/techno music.

halfway, we went out to eat a cake the guys bought for me. i was quite happy, cos i din not expect a cake. the guys had already gotten me a very nice op shirt, so i was quite satisfied. but they actually bought a tiramisu cake from bread talk. i was very touch. thought i'd make an emotional speech. but kinda failed. all i wished for this birthday cake was that we win the pm cup. so that we as dragonboaters had something to feel proud of.

after that, it was more drinking and dancing. it was kinda fun until alex got drunk. then melvin got drunk. when mel got drunk, he at least sat quietly, alex was like a hyper active kid. ah well, went through a lot of trouble just keeping him down, and sending him home. luckily, his mc friends and his sister was around to help. hope he makes it for tomorrow's competition.

anyway, just some interesting points. i think the guys can dance quite well. melvin and pq was kinda of a nice surprise for me, cos i'd never have imagine they dance the way i would have thought they would. another interesting point, is gm was actually able to get the phone number of a girl his targeted and danced closed too. heard they even held hands... woo hoo! someone is suave man... and all night this same guy was telling everyone how he was going for the fat girls so that he had a higher chance of landing a phone number. this guy is sly, this guy is slick. this guy is good.

anyway, i have to go, cos in less than 3 hours i so have to wake up for the sculling compeition.

also, i am beginning to have my allergic rashes already. hopefully, it wont be as painful as the last time.

good night! and happy birthday to me again!

i just opened two letters. one from the NKF, one from the red cross. both congratulating me for my birthday. yes i am 22. i proclaimed myself officially old last year in the confines of the guard room. this year, i proclaim myself a relic in front of the computer. and no personal birthday cards.

actually, at twelve, my friend yao messaged me a happy birthday. my dad was still away and was going on about how i am not officially 22 yet until 3 p.m. when i was born. other than these two, 1 hour and 35 minutes into the 21st of january, no one else greeted me. ah well. i sound like a hyper sensitive bitch. i am not sad. its just that in the past, certain people used to message me on the dot to wish me well. i hope not to use this as in indication of the number of friends i have left in this world. haha!!! nah. i am too mature for that. besides, i myself dun usually say happy belated birthday until 2 weeks later when another mutual friend asks if i got so and so any present.

still, its my birthday, i hope it will be a good one. i know i am going to the arts bash with my db buddies. i can't wait to see what happens. i can't wait to see what present they got for me. i hope its big, and really expensive and really useful, and really me. haha!
hmm, what do i wish for? oh. haha! the first thought that came to my mind was a driving licence. the second thought was more intellect, then more good looks, then more money. haha!!! ah well... if i can i wish for the good qualities of my friends. i want po qin's ability to attract people (not just the men), i want riesal's body, i want guomin's humour, i want melvin's artistic creativity, i want alex's spirit, i want jason's oratory skills, i want xiangyi's laid back attitude, i want my sister's working experience, i want john's wordly experience, i want... sigh. there are so many things that i want.

in the end, i just want world peace, and more intellect, more good looks and more money. and a driving licence.

there are two things i definitely do not want: to get drunk, and to get recalled.

happy birthday mengchuan. maybe its time for you to grow up.

just got back from school. totally shack out.

for training, we had interval running around the car park in front of eusoff hall. totally wasted after that. then we had to do 100 pull ups and 30 push ups in between sets.
it was generally a good run for me, because i thought i pushed hard. for the first 2 sets, i came in last among my 3 other seniors, jiahe, justin and emmanuel. cos they pia very hard. then in the third set, i pia very hard, and came in first. i could almost sense the shock of everyone waiting at the start line. even emmanuel and justin were shocked. they commented that i was very sly, like osama bin laden. i mean like huh??? and even jiahe was like "good run, mengchuan" three times. at that point of time, i felt my ego growing. but after a while, on hindsight, i mean, do i warrant such comments in the first place? its like i was expected not to beat them. its a surprise that i beat them. its a calamity. was i some lowly junior who was destined to run slower than a senior? and furthermore, it was just that one run, which i suddenly felt like running faster, thats all. who told them to put in all their effort in the first two runs? i had not intention of beating them for the sake of glory or reputation or all that crap. i just felt like running faster, and the responses i got were a little, hmm.. i dunno, uncalled for? it is a little depressing come to think of it all. in the fourth run i came in like behind them again because i knew i had totally given it all in the last one.

maybe i read too much into things. but it will definitely be depressing if it was true about me being some piece of thing that is seen as a nobody by my seniors.
is it an issue? i mean some of my friends have commented on the nonchalance, or frosty attitudes of some of the seniors towards the juniors. if they aren't cold, some of them are just bitter and caustic, if not their remarks, their outward behaviours. frankly, personally, i cannot say i have any affinity to any of the seniors. however, some seniors are definitely more approachable than others, like marcus, johnny and jiahe. the rest, seriously, i dun have much of a wonderful impression. i am sure they are great, nice, fun-loving people. but not to me.
all in all, its not like it bothers me, because i would rather stick with my buddies and pals, who all happen to be juniors by chance. i am just grateful for these brothers. although it would be nice if the seniors could acknowledge me once in a while.

work is piling up. i dunno if i am regretting taking the physics module yet. cos almost everyone has sufficient science background to flaunt their knowledge by enthusiastically splurting out never before heard formulas. i am just tabula rasa (a new word i learn): a clean slate, ie. empty. i like learning new things, but i am beginning to grasp and accept the impossibility of a grade anyway near the revered A. the worst thing is i cannot S/U it. ah well. that's life i guess, dealing and competing with people who are a cut above you, who are more equipped with the knowleges, who are well prepared, or who are geniuses, all either through their own deligent labour or Fortune's blessings.
it is a vicious cycle, this thing called low self-esteem. first you start bemoaning your lack of intellectual capacity; then you start bewailing your ugly reflection in the mirror; then you begin wishing that you are filthy rich like that girl who drives the pink volkswagen beetle whose interiors was totally furnished pink, which i saw at the carpark while running; you start... ah well, you get the picture. for me, its a struggle trying to count my blessings in this depressed state of mind. its just downright saddening.

all i know, is that your lot in life is just a miserable as the the person next to you, because everyone simply is not satisfied with the status quo. but the good thing about me, that i can be proud of, if that i work hard to improve the status quo. all that years of reading self-improvement books have indeed contributed to the ingraining of the need to just keep trying, pushing, working and improving. because at the end of the day, no matter how bad the day has been, no matter how horrible the hand life has dealt you with, no matter how belittling you see yourself as, after a good nights rest, its always a new day afresh, to live the life you want it to. its a new opportunity to try again.

the sun will come up, tomorrow. tomorrow i try again.

realise i have not been blogging. i guess cos i am starting to get caught up in school again. hoping to repeat the cycle, hoping the achieve more than i set out for. hope this sem will be a more peaceful and rewarding one.

yes guys. i want to stow away on the abandoned ship of my private life and sail away. heh. well, hopefully this time, i will find myself in good company. and i think i did, especially with the db guys. i dun really care what people say, when they doubt your sexuality simply because you hang out with guys. i mean does it really matter? i think people say such things as a manifestation of their own insecurities. either that or their ego at the fact that they are attached. some things are not worth stressing over about. least of all what people think. all i know is that i feel comfortable with you guys, i intend to stick around. its with you guys i feel most in my skin. with girls, i am just jelly mush. with pretty girls, i am mushy jelly. we still have a long way to go as a band of brothers. we still have trainings to attend, and push ups to push and pull ups to pull. relax. the girls will come naturally.

what you should be stressing about, is the fact that work is piling up, even in the first week. whats the point of delaying work? simply because its the first week of school? i dun want to slack now, only to regret later in the month when the pressure is on, wishing i worked harder earlier. already i am behind two lectures worth of readings for all my modules! i am really hoping for a lot of peace and a lot of cooperation in order for me to catch up. PQ keeps calling me a mugger, but he is working just as hard, always on his computer reading his cases. Alex is like zooming away fast, for he is already into his 3rd chapter in sociology and simultaneously ahead in his other modules. marcus is probably still studying at this moment. that mugger. my point is, dun wait. start your engines if you havent already.

its going to be a good sem.

hey guys. here's another joke i want to share. i laughed off the chair with this one. enjoy!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

(3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break....."

i decided to sit at the computer and wait for the technical turn out. do you what it feels like, wait for something you know its coming? its some sort of impending doom. like death. like exams. its terrible. was checking my ivle and the lecture notes and the familiar formats of test and quiz outlines, of assignments, of term papers, of group projects, have all started to appear. suddenly, the world seems to weigh on me. sigh. more stress.

yesterday could be considered as another "the most miserable day of my life." basically, i failed my driving test, i got into an argument, someone indirectly insinuated something about me and i fell sick. on the day of the db bbq. wow. great. yippe ai yeah.

i spent the entire evening contemplating about life, about myself. you know, its like the moment you strike curb, everything seemed to go wrong, everything goes down hill. much like the moment something undermines your self-esteem, you get swept up in to a downward spiral of negative thoughts and self-bashing, of self-deflating. you know, the proverbial "fighting your inner monsters." unfortunately, i kinda lost last night. heh.

to think, all these years of reading motivational and self-help books, i still get beaten by external circumstances and internal attacks. its a helpless feeling, and worse. no one can help me. only myself. and i was helpless.

sigh. after reading gm's blog about the bbq, suddenly i regretted not going. i could have felt better in the company of friends, all having fun together. but i did not want to get more sick than i already was, and besides, i have technical recall.

on the bright side, i finished printing the notes for the first usp lessons.

hey people. i was reading a book. love this segment where there are allegedly some graffiti on some wall. here are some of the humourous ones. have fun!

God is dead. -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -- God

Prepare to meet God! (jacket and tie, no jeans)

We should hang all extremists!

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Jesus saves! (but Gretzky tips in the rebound).

Bad spellers of the world, Untie!

Reality is for those who cannot handle booze or drugs.

Mickey Mouse is a rat!

Dreink wet cement and get really stoned.

i'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

I can't stand intolerance.

Sex education is interesting but i never get any homework.

I'm schizophrenic. (so am I. That makes four of us.)

Power corrupts. Absolute power is even more fun.

Done't look up here! the joke is in your hands! [written above a urinal]

My dad says they don't work. [written on contraceptive vending machine]

God is dead. (our God is alive, sorry to hear about yours)

58 percent of all deaths are fatal.

There is no such thing as gravity. The earth sucks.

Lassie kills chickens.

Jesus saves! (even more thatn the superstore?)

Mary had a little lanb, and boy, was she surprised.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Orville was Wright.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

Time is nature's way of keeping everthing from happening at once.

The hangman lets us down.

My inferiority complexes are not as good as yours.

I wrote on this wall because it was here.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead cow.

Mona Lisa was framed.

Chicken Man has a fowl mouth.

You're never alone with schizophrenia.

God loves you.

(God won't love you for destroying someone's preperty by writing on it.)

Schizophrenia Rules, OK OK!

Horse pwer rules, Neigh, Neigh.

Wet Paitn (this is not an instruction)

Hypochondrea is the one disease that I don't have.

Arrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying: off piss

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I....

Absolute zero is cool.

happy new year!!! woo hoo!!! well i must say it has been an exciting 2004. i cant remember much though. here's a quick recap: 3 SIR atec. ORD. orientation camps. university semester 1. dragonboat. thats about it really folks. seems like nothing much. but boy were they one roller coaster ride after the viking after the free fall. loved it. cherished it. remembered it.

well, 2005 will be less exciting i believe. it will be more studying. book after book. word after word. sentence after sentence. on and on and on. one thing good is that there will be more stability. but with more stability comes more predictability. ie. BORING!!! ah well, somethings we have to live with. its up to us to make everyday as much an adventure as we want it to be. and i definitely will. there are so many things to learn, so many people to meet, so many worlds to explore. i am not done with life. please god, dun let me die young.

here's a rough list of my resolutions for 2005: study like mad. train like mad. love my family and friends like mad. its going to be one insane year.