hey peepz! its 3 in the morning, and i am super super super tired... but just want to make a quick summary of my day today. let me recount my steps backwards.

i was on the internet trying to search for how "fuse" works in circuits... and all i have been getting is the "electrical safety" crap instead of the standard physics answers i am searching for.. i gave up... my tutorial is like half empty... sigh.. feel so short-circuited.

was up in wenya's room again, to check if she's okay. her right foot is out of the bandage, her pus is still oozing. disgusting... haha!!!
but i made a few friends... namely minky, giffy, wormy, octopus and wenya's best friend, moo-ee. if you guessed correctly, they are all stuffed animals... funny how some people's preoccupational stage lasts so long... (in case you dun know... the preoccupational stage, according to the psychologist piaget, is the stage of the child from 2 to 4, that is characteristed by animistic thinking, ie.. inanimate objects have a life.) but i am not surprised really... sometimes i talk to my imaginary friends, john and mary. haha!!!
well, glad to know she's better now. can row for the race.

was studying with alex at arts. introduced some msn games to me... damn... was this close to getting addicted...

had dinner with wenya, jul and alex. nice coincidence. learnt that jul is very predictable. and wen can eat from the yong tau fu stall for a year and not get sick about it... hmm... and alex and i are now sotong heads... hmmm... apparently because my head round like sotong, and alex blur like sotong. haha!!!

was having project group meeting with vai and mel. learned that the piano pieces from final fantasy is DAMN NICE!!!! i want the sound track!!!

had lessons, blah blah blah.. okie. the end. nightz!

oh. yeah one more thing. think that jiahe, our cap is very concerned about some of us and how we are taking with regards to the race. to the juniors out there, i hope we can all think things through and come to our own individual resolutions, and make renewed and refreshed promises, and draw up rejuvenated plans. i understand what it means to stand on the shore now. i will be making my own secret plans now.
cap probably had the toughest time trying to arrange the boat, with sooooo many considerations to think through over and over again. i dun believe he suka suka did it. i am sure he has killed billions of brain cells, and sacrificed alot of study time, personal time, and sleeping time to get through this, to try to fit together a boat whose will and desire to win, is commensurate with the chances of acutally winning. he looked really tired that night, and i was just imagining the ordeal he had to go through, the many voices in his head, and the many opinions from the team. so, lets all support our captain, and support the team, and most importantly, support our friends!!! i may not be in the ivp team, i may feel sore about it, and although there will always be this evil part of me hoping that they will not win simply because i am not in it, i recognise that its not right, and not worth it. i really hope that the 19 of them in the boat will win, and we can all be happy together as a team. i hope that whatever races we are in, we all will fight our best and try out hardest. cos, to me, nothing is more important, than breaking through our own mental barriers. and from an advertisement, the only adversary is ourselves.

just had some visitors to my room. very interesting people. they were totally shocked at the state of my room. the mess its in of course. think its a good indication that its time to clean up my room.

jul and wenya were so nice to come down ask about me, cos i have been quite down lately. i am not very good at hiding emotions. well, they are after all girls, the more sensitive gender of the human species.

had a good chat. wenya was so kind to add the comments option in my blog, which i have been complaining about. she said she's a techno idiot..... sooo.. that makes me a techno retard. well thanks anyway. she fell down and grazed her knee while running during training today. so for those who know her, please send her lots of flowers and food! well, get well soon!!!

alex has been down lately too... had a good chat with him too. so buddy, i hope you have solved your problem, and i hope you lighten up and pass your mechanical engine test!!!

lately, everyone has been depressed. and most of us know the answer why. i just wish that the one person we are all worried for gets better soon. we miss his jokes, and infectious happiness, and irritating laughter. i guess, even the happiest person feels sad, and its usually his sort of people who feels the sadness most acutely. was talking to emmanuel on the beach. there was one thing that he said struck me most impressionably. that is, db is not a sport that you can see instant results or receive instant gratification. its a sport that you have to invest a lot of time, many many sems before you can see it bearing fruit. not all of us have the fitness of noel or teddy. so we all need more time. and we should give ourselves more time. yup! so i really do hope that we all can perservere together, and one day, we will all row together in one boat one day, and win!!! he said that he wants to brood alone. just have the urge to go over to his room and give him a big hug. if he lets me.

its kinda weird in a way, that i said such stuff. cos, i have just been dropped out of the ivp boat. the number of rowers have been cut from 20 to 18. and guess who got the axe? haha!!! me, duh. i was not that surprised really, when i heard it. but i wont deny i was disappointed. in the end, my training session lasted 15 minutes. spent most of the time on the beach, chatting, and listening to everyone talk about the common topics... it was a very interesting day i should say.
in a way, i am satisfied, and simultaneously sad. so, i think i am beginning to understand what someone told me before, that feeling of watching your friends row the boat, when all you can do is watch from the side.

its a feeling of exclusion that i feel. not that it is deliberate, but a natural consequences of your actions. but its a shocking reality, when you just hang out with your gang one day, and realise that your friends are speaking in a language you do not understand. when everyone around you is chatting and you do not have a clue. when people are talking over your head, or speaking through you like you were invisible. when friends are somewhere else fighting a battles that you not involved in. its a feeling that hits you suddenly. and unknowingly. and the worse part is the helplessness of realising, that there is nothing you can do about it. everyone gets that feeling sometimes. i am just feeling mine now.

sometimes i just wish i could run away, and hide away. you know, start afresh in a foreign land, when no one knows you, when everyone is a potential friend, when you can recreate a new world. but i cant. so i will just have to be contented and make the best with what i have.

maybe, i can create my world in my dreams.

just read a ex-classmates original poem that he harkens back to the past of rjc. it was beautiful.

how i miss my simple days of innocence.

i am in limbo. strung up in suspended animation. got passed the second psychology test. studied really really hard. drew a lot of mind maps. just hope i do better this time round.

so now, its like, i am exhausted from the quiz, and the prospect of the second Political
Science essay looms threateningly in front of my eyes. i need at least week to do a research essay that requires 1 month. i only have 2 days. i am desperate. really. i gave today's water training a pass. my mates are all rowing the boat, or caught in the rush hour traffic, as i type this entry.
really desperate.

anyway, my leg is getting better. i think. i am walking on my entire foot now. but i still experience pain with every step, and i am still limping. the first few steps always feel fine. but after a while... the pain gets more and more intense. and my limp gets more and more obvious. it seems like, everytime i step off my left foot, i feel a cracking sensation. like my bones have fractured and are clicking against each other. the even more eerie thing is, it feels as if my foot is in two parts, exerting pressure off the ground and off each other in syncopation.
i need to rest. dun want to go and row and boat in case i aggravate it.

so, my sister, who is year 1 in Building and Real Estate, NUS, is flying off to Acheh tomorrow on a humanitarian mission with Youth Challenge. i wish her bon voyage and safe journey. she and her adventurous spirit taking her off to some far away land to help the poor and the needy. she will be back in 1 week, full of worldly experience, and renewed energy.
i wish i could do that. she reminds me of this guy called Ben whom i befriended at PGP. He is an american born Vietnamese. we chatted abit, and my impression of him, is that of super carefree, ultra laidback dude from some beach place. san francisco? los angelas? anyway. so one day we were talking and i was telling him how stressful life here is, and how i wish i could go overseas and study. how i could just abandon all my obligations and responsibilities and just fly to some distant land. and he response was, "so do it!" .......... *blank look* yeah. and where do i get the money? and how can i really abandon everything? sure i will leave my problems, but that will only create more problems. i cant just throw everything down and walk out. or can i?

i told you that i have been wearing a cap right? wenya and jul were telling me that i look better without it. Do I??? i was kinda shocked and surprised actually. a little flattered. but a bit cynical. you know i have never been confident of my appearance, much less my hair. and yet, i have two female friends that say i look better without the cap. haha!!! and just as when i wanted to buy a second cap. they have taken the meaning of caps away from me!!!! sob.... haha!!! but thats fine. they gave me alittle boost in my self esteem though. now, if only all the girls would start telling me that. hahahahahaha!!!! the thought's kinda exciting.

i wont wear it, but i will keep it by my side. i find it helpful when i see some people i want to avoid eye contact with. or when i am doing my work along the law corridor, and the cap acts as a visor, blocking my field of vision, and channelling my concentration onto my work. the only bad thing, is that the cap flattens my hair, making me look hideous. -- oh dear, a girl wearing a japanese school girl outfit, just walked passed... you know, the sailor cut, short skirt, high boots combo... damn. din see properly!!!! sorry, its another of those things that turns me on. like paper (see previous entry) -- anyway, as i was saying, besides flattening my hair, it makes my hair itch. which is super irritating.

however, i guess, the cap is what someone called it my "mask". i was a bit taken aback really. cos, the term struck me, simply because its true, to a large degree. why do people pay so much attention to their appearance? so that they can look like someone they want to portray. a facade. clothes by themselves constitute an identity. for some its a social identity. like branded clothes says i am rich. or i have good fashion taste. for some its a psychological identity. to boost confidence, knowing that i look "good". for some, they just want to attract/excite/shock members of the opposite sex. or some (you know how you are) attract members of the same sex. haha!!! anyway. what does the cap mean to me? what does it represent? its exactly what i mentioned, a mask. i have no wish to expose myself to the world, that i am rich (which i am not) or that i am good looking (which i definitely am not), or whatever. being the introverted person that i am, its my wish to just say, in somewhat more subtle ways, that i wish for some solitude.

just as Timothy Choy is very conscious of girls laughing at him. i am just conscious of people looking at me. its definitely not because i am handsome or rich or popular or attractive. not that i am really bothered by it anway. i just dun like people staring at me. like as if i committed some crime, committed some sin. maybe i have. perhaps i have. i feel as if they know something i dun, and that they are looking through me. haha!! perhaps i have some guilty complex.... i know its kind of immature, like babies in the preoperational stage (more psychology concepts), its called "object impermanance". if i do not see it, it does not exist. its like the proverbial ostrich head in the sand. i try to hide. i try not to look. if i dun look, they do not exist. the people whose stare feel as if they pierce through me.
i sound like an escapist. perhaps i am. but the good thing is that, there really isn't any particularly problem i am running away from. i just dun like being stared at. but when my friends say i look better without the cap, and they rather me not wear the cap. i find myself in a sort of a little dilemma. to wear or not to wear? haha!!!

suddenly, i feel himbotic. here i go rambling about caps, and looks.

but i am always glad when i meet friends. not the hi-bye sort. rather, the sort who are willing to stop and chat. and the sort i am willing to stop for and chat with. and thank god for affirmative supportive friends. the sort who will help you buy lunch when you cannot walk. the sort who tells you there is a test when you come in late. the sort who will lend you notes when you skip class. the sort who will invite you for lunch anyway despite you turning them down again and again. the sort who will remember that you exist. the sort who will tell you problems. the sort who will listen to your problems. the sort who gives without condition, and ask nothing but company in return. the sort who runs with you, the sort who tells you not to give up, the sort who tells you that you can do more. the sort who waits for you. the sort who understands when to approach and when to back down, when to hold on and when to let go. the sort who are selfless enough to give it up, but selfish enough not to give you up. the sort who will share. the sort who does not get offended easily. the sort who is patient. the sort who expresses anger, but does not get angry. the sort who appreciates the simple pleasures. the sort who does not ask too much of you. the sort who buys you a drink. the sort who is genuine. the sort who is faithful. the sort who is true.

i think those were random thoughts, each representing a friend who has left me a deep impression. and each also representing friends i still hope to meet in the future. for me, i hope that i can one of these sort of friend to someone else.

someone scolded me insensitive. again. sigh.

anyway, i am still limping. the pain in the heel has gone (the original pain). but because i was walkin on the balls of my feet the whole day, it has strained muscles in the other parts of the feet. now, i am experience pain from muscle strain. sigh.

oh how i wish, i could laugh without constraints. how i could life without thoughts. just lie in my bed all by myself all day. listening to settled life, listening to quiet passing.

as i was typing this entry, two girls from crusade approached me at where i am sitting, and started to do what all good christians do. ah well. i have had great friends trying to share the joy.
there are one so many times, i felt i needed to surrender myself to something. some spiritual being. but i could not decide which religion i was most inclined to. over the last year, i find myself understanding the faith little by little. i am not afraid to admit, that i am beginning to accept christianity little by little. but there are a few obstacles, a few chains, blocking me and holding me back. all i know, is that if i want to submit myself to christ, i have to do a few things first, settle a few issues. but i have to do a few things first.

all i know, is that its not right now. but i do hope, sometime in the future, i may be able to experience some spiritual release.

until then, its time to get back to earth, and study for my psychology test!!!

i injured myself. its bad. i cannot walk. i am limping. it is really painful to walk.

i do not know how i got it. it was really sudden. and really excrutiating. i was studying at arts last night until 2 am in the morning with gm. and then while we were walking back, the pain creeped insiduously in. at first, i tried to endure the pain. and then slowly, the pain got more and more intense. and finally i was limping like Xie Shao Guang in the Golden Pillow (remember that show???).

i could not stand evenly on my two feet while showering last night. i thought that i could sleep it off. but i was wrong. when i woke up, i felt fine. my first few steps seemed manageable, until the 5th step. the pain went through my ankles again.

i went to yih this morning. apparently, the doctor said it was some kind of inflammation to the ankle. it could be due to the long run yesterday, or or/and because the soles of my shoes are too thin, and therefore did not provide enough protection and bounce.
and so they gave me some paracetemol and angelsic cream as counter pain. i hope it works. and i am not suppoesed to run for one week (?!) oh dear. should i tell cap? but the doctor said i can row, as long as i do not apply too much pressure on my left ankle again. yup yup. hope i can still row for mr500.

it is 0315 in the morning. it is way way past my expected bed time. but i have an uncontrollable urge to blog. cos i have to, lest i explode. there have been soo many things happening. so lets take it long, and slow.

first thing: key.
there had been a terrible incident with the key/transponder to my hostel room, my beloved, comfortable sleep house. on sunday night, alex, gm and i were in school. as usual, i was pia-ing my essay on night before the deadline. at 0100, gm went for supper with another friend, leaving alex and me. at 0200, alex and i left school and headed back to my "house". btw, alex was going to stay overnight. so when we reached back, standing in front of my door, to my panic and horror, my key was missing!!! i was quite calm actually, although beneath the cool veneer, i was panicking like a mother who lost her child in a market. leaving my bag with alex, i proceeded to walk all the way back to arts to search for my key. my attitude towards lost things, is one of fatalism: if its not there, its not there. if its lost, its lost. of course, i will have to first put in the effort to find it. thus explaining my not wanting to pull my hair out and run like headless chicken. but at 230 in the morning, and after finally working on my essay since 10 that morning, i was SUPER shack. if i remember correctly, while i was heading back, there were moments i felt myself walking towards the side, as if falling down. my head was literally swimming in drowsiness. searched the law corridor. went to the guard room, went to the toilets, went to the locker, went to macdonalds. i went and checked out every place i had visited that day. to no avail. i called gm to ask if he had accidentally taken it. no. i asked alex to check through our bags. no. its gone. missing. and i had no clue or idea how or why or when. i was so tired, i simply collapsed on one of the tables, feeling as though i could just sleep there. the gamut of emotions that i was experiencing was one of extreme exhaustion, frustration, confusion, despair. i could not understand, nor could i explain. all i was asking, was what have i done wrong this time? i really felt i was being punished by God for something. have i sinned that badly? what did i do to deserved this horrendous situation? it did not help that alex (who was kind heartedly helping) was sending messages in attempts to jog my memory, as i knew my mind had long shut down, and refused to think. it was horrible.

the last time i had a similar experience like that, was in a chalet. for no reason (acutally there was a reason, but i shant tell), i found myself walking along aimlessly on the beach at sentosa. it was also very late at night, i was also very tired, i was also very frustrated. but looking at the clear sky that night, i was asking God was everything meant. why i was feeling what i was feeling and you know, that kind of metaphysical identity crisis crap. i remembered falling onto the sand in unexplainable despair. yeah. it was that bad. and on the night when i lost my key, it was a similar feeling. felt like breaking down. felt like just sitting down and cry.

but the motivations for the feeling is not because a simple loss of a key. it was a myriad of reasons. i felt as if my problems had taken an exaggerated size and burden in my heart. (they are not of course, its just that when you are in a situation of exhaustion, and delusion, everything seemed warped). in the end, i managed to pull myself together and head back to pgp to discuss with alex what was to be done.

in the end, we decided to bunk at gm's, and i would report the loss in the morning, with the prospect of paying a 60 dollar fine. when we reached his room (after he came back from supper at 4), gm came out the said, "i think you are going to kill me." he dangled the key in front of my eyes. it was not a moment of joy, nor a moment of explosive anger. the emotion was slow coming, as my grasping the reality of it all was slow coming. without look at gm, or saying a single word, i took the key and walked off. i really do not know what came over me there and then. i felt i a need to scold him, yet i felt an equally compelling need to suppress my words. all i knew was that i wanted to sleep. that was all i could think of. all i wanted.

when i reached my room, i felt really bad for just leaving like that. but i guess it would be even worse if i did shoot my mouth off. i could have said things i would regret and create a potentially embarassing situation. on hindsight, i must thank alex for being very patient with me that night when i came back. i think i was a wreck. all weak, and sapped. it was he would made the arrangements with gm. and he was there to comfort me when i was feeling all low. so yeah, to alex, thanks.

but before i become too profuse with thanking alex darling. the next night, he was to be the culprit of the same situation! you see, i had lessons earlier tha him. so (miraculously) i managed to wake up to go for my 8 am lecture, leaving the key with him to lock up, to be passed when we meet in school. after studying, we parted and what do you know, he totally forget to pass me the key, and i totally forget to get it back from him. it was not until he was on the bus back home, and i was just outside pgp, when it struck me. sianz.......
so in the end, i called him, and he agreed to take a u-turn back, and spend the night at my place again!!! for you information, it is never entirely comfortable to have guest in the room. either i have to sleep on the floor, or we have to share the bed. either way, it means less sleep that i originally intend. you all know how particular i am with sleep. so, yeah. thanks alex. sigh. but then again, its partly my fault too.

yeah. and so that conclude the Saga of the Key.

and it s 430 in the morning. the latest so far. i have still alot of things i wanted to share. but another day perhaps...

sigh. i am actually in my room before the clock strikes 11. usually i would be in school studying or doing work. but i have decided to retire early because i know i am falling sick. for sure. because i was feeling cold and the cough just kept leaping out of my throat. so now as i am slowly sucking my lozenges before taking my bath, i will post another blog in my sickened stupor.

did not really accomplish much today. went through my essay, confident that i had already gotten all the information i need. all i needed was to arrange it. furthermore, i had written my outline at 2 am last night. or so i thought. when i read everything again, what went through my mind was "how the hell did i write such incoherent, nonsensical crap?!!" i realised that my outline was no outline at all. i was disgusted with my work. disgusted with myself. lesson learnt: do not, i repeat, do do work anytime past 12. its not me i guess. i am definitely not the night owl like gm who can last till 6 in the morning. furthermore, i am very susceptible to illness should i have less than 8 hours of sleep the night before. last night, i had 5 hours, which in my context, is way, way, way below requirement for effective sanity. so no wonder i was falling sick.

anyway, so before i went through my outline, i was happily in the library doing what i love best: photocopy notes. yes. sorry, but i have a perverse pleasure in photocopying notes, whether or not i read them, whether or not i utilize the information. i know it sounds insane. i only meant to photocopy a few articles. but i realised that three quarters of the book could be useful. so i decided to save myself the need to waste energy in being discriminate in my information, i decided to just zap the entire book. yes. i flouted the photocopy laws... but i could not help it. it was... so... fun.... Anyway, i found out that i saved 80% of the cost should i buy the book itself found in the bookshop. bwahaha!!!! i am perverted and i am insane.

yeah, and so, anyway, i spent the rest of the afternoon redoing my outline. so far in total i have 4 drafts of outlines. and i only just started doing the actual typing of the essay. yea... and the essay needs to be edited at least 3 times... which requires ... hmm... A LOT more time. of course, i am not your prolific, coherent writer. i learnt that the essay MUST die, die be edited and proof read a few times, to qualify as a piece of university writing. of course, this is just my own expectations and guidelines. i know a lot who can rattle off flawless, smooth arguments off the top of their heads. well, i cant. so i have to put in more effort.

also, today was open house. so i decided to take a look around. i pretended to be one of them jc students and took one of the goodie bags! muahaha!!! i feel to evil. the nice girl handing out the bags was like "so, welcome! are you coming in this year? which faculty do you want to go to? do you need any help? info?" i was kinda guilty and embarassed. and promptly just replied "i am just looking" and walked away. haha!!! anyway, i do not regret taking the bag. my favourite item was this bounded A4 book by singtel. din really care about the vouchers though. you should know that i have (another) perverse pleasure with papers. do you start to see the link?? haha!!! oh, by the way, i am a bibliophile, which means i love books. actually, i can generalise myself as a paper-phile. haha!!!! love anything paper. notebooks, bounded ones in particular!!! haha!!! if i were rich, i would go to book binders and buy em notebooks!!! haha!!! they are so nice. but i would think them so nice that i won't bear to use them!!! haha!!! i am so full of contradictions.

so what is the conclusion from all the above banter? i am perverted, insane, paper-chasing (?! double meaning!!! haha!) and really really cheapskate. infact, when i was in coop buying some foods, i bought this bag of tapioca chips without giving it much thought simply because it was on sale!!! 20 cents cheaper.

i think when i re read this later i will be very embarassed about it. haha!!! anyway, hope that my words have brought everyone some cheer anyway!

seems like my lozenges have finally melted away. and so i shall bathe and turn in early! good nitez peez!

was very inspired by all the comedy that happened at yesterday's training. while bathing the following just struck me.

"life's a bitch. but it does not mean you have to be one."

okay. its not that funny. but i thought it has intrinsic humour for those who understand, especially for all those in the car... haha!!!

of course, then there was Dr mel's "the boat is moving but the trolley is not moving" moment. and then Cap's "Cannot find? lets go". earlier also V-cap's splendidly funny email full of jabs. everyone is so funny. so humourous. sometimes, i wish i could be just as candid. stop being "uptight" or "moody" or "depressed".

why can't life be like it used to be? simpler? easier? less work, less stress, less worries, less frustrations, less deadlines, less expectations, less fear, less dread?

now i have to go back and continue with my term paper.

oh, i just bought some protein from riesel. i loved the chocomint. but i love the mocha even more!!! its smooth and its delicious. dunnot what will be the effects compared to nitrotech, but based on taste, this new one wins hands down! woohoo!!! body building has never so much more delicious. haha!!!

oh, also, i am in a jay chou phase. all i am listening to are naruto soundtracks and jay chou songs!!!! i declare qing tian, dong feng po, ni ting de dao, ta de jie mao and that second track from the latest album (i dunno the name) my favourite songs!!! of course there are others like an hao and all. i love them all!!!! haha!!! and my friends say i look like jay chou with my blue cap!!! of course, the comparison is with the cap, not the face or the voice!!! haha!!! still...

speaking of caps. i just want to clarify one thing. i am wearing the cap because my hair is long. and is messy and i am too lazy to gel or comb it. and i dun have the time nor the care to cut it at this point of tme. you can say i am vain and all.. but not that vain. i just want to keep people from staring at my hair like i am some freak of nature, or someone who washes his hair by first putting his head in the washing machine and then the dryer.

speaking of dryer. the ones at pgp sucks!!! i just spent 3 x 60 cents on drying this ONE medium load of clothes. agony. pain. misery. my money thrown into the hot wind literally. i shall not disclose my bank account, but all i can say, is that its low, low, low. which means i am screwed, screwed, screwed. i shall be washing my clothes with a wash board and a bar of fab soap. oh. haha!! maybe i can wash them on my wash board abs... haha!!! if only i have them to begin with.
speaking of abs, i think my fitness level has been poorer than i had thought or wished. after so long of db training, i havent achieved the targets that i set for myself. ah well. and in water training, i cannot seem to get the stroke right. keep splashing so much water into the boat. i should be thrown into the sea to counter the weight of extra water. more frustration. more sianness.

speaking of sianness, PQ please recover from your back injury soon!!! really hope you can row pleasurably instead of needing to endure the injurious pain. and mel too!!! how cut his fingers when he trying to find the switch to the lights. interestingly enough, its a glass portrait of Jesus about the light switch that he crashed and cut himself with. so Jesus + light switch = let there be light! and so He bled for us. and GM the nocturnal creature of the night who slept at 6 this morning, assiduously studying for his 2 pm test. and alex who was the centre of much ridicule with his green shorts at training yesterday. yes, its hideous. mel is right in saying you should just burn it, so you wont ever be caught wearing them. good luck to riesel aka mr. bedok! good luck merv with that girl you like! and ZX, whom i hope finds the perfect group mates to work with. and Ben with his dreams and JW with hers. Ling, with her essays (i feel your pain); ann with her own studies (who caused me soooo much trouble with her painted bottles: she made me carry a whole big box, when she should have specified that she only wanted ONE bottle). wenya with her running! and jul too! and eileen who has disappeared from the face of my earth and stephen of whose phone i totally wrecked. hope it lives! and dear dear dear alvin. thanks.

but perhaps the one person most in need of luck is....

red alert! red alert! another drepression out pour coming up!!!

but before that, i want to say i love my blog skin, EXCEPT (being the techno-idiot that i am) that it has no comments portion. kinda miss people commenting. especially stupid comments by stupid people. haha!!! i know you (you know who you are) cant comment cos there is no way to!

anyway, went to the piano ensemble concert with ZX to watch our dear friend merv play the piano. i was very tired. slept in the first half. ZX could only shake his head in resigned smiles. then after that, he treated me to a latte and i managed to stay awake throughout the second half! so proud of myself. the concert was nice. very musical.
merv was playing a duet with a girl that he has been in secret liking for a very long time. dunno if she knows. but the thought of them playing a duet together, face to face, when the guy is so madly and deeply in love with the girl. yet, they cant be together. awww... so sweet... it breaks my heart.
then kena caught in my usual wave of depression. i always thought i could have been on the stage playing a peice of my own too. i took up some violin, and i stopped. i tried the piano and i stopped. even the recorder was of no permament interest. i could have been a virtuoso. i could have been a genius, i could have been...

but look at me today. just got back another test. this time its the statistics one. 20/40. it sucks. big time. not anywhere near the mean. if anyone wants to use me as a point to why you should be happy with your own "shitty" grades, please do. i am just happy that i can help any of you feel better about yourself.

yup thats it. i watered down the vulgarities through countless mental editing. its more because i am too tired to think.

oh. just want to say, that jason, gm, alex, juliana, wenya and i went for supper at feng seng last night. interesting outing i should say. never saw gm and jason so despo and friendly at the same time. poring through the countless photos of the db girls team in wenya's ibook. amy, chiuli, shiying... ah well... it was really interesting. wenya kept laughing hysterically at gm. juliana kept rolling her eyes. jason tried to memorise their names. gm. well, gm was just gm times 10. alex was tired. i was amused.

i can just imagine what is going to happen in the future. finally, the gap between the girls team and the guys time are closed up a little bit more. soon, we will see gm and jason hanging more and more frequently with the girls. you think?

i swear i do not know what goes through people's mind. what they think, what makes them tick, what ticks them off. its crazy. its terrible. the unpredictability. the incomprehensibility. the torture, the agony, the misery. i hate it. i really do. why cant people just be as simple as they claim to be? or at least act as simple as they claim to be? how i hate human relations. because i suck at it.

had another round of endless reading that seems to go nowhere. my essay is still not done. am i doing anything effective at all???
had so much problems with defining the terms. and doing more and more research. but i have not decided my thesis, nor narrowed my scope. nor decided how to approach it.

went on some sort of retail therapy at co-op. despite dwindling cash reserves -- i know i dun have any social life. so where does all my money go to? don't ask how. it just is -- i decided to buy that blue Nike sphere dry cap i have been eyeing for 2 days. before any of you make any judgments about my fashion sense or the lack thereof, i just want to clarify that the purchase of the cap is for expedience. my hair is getting longer and longer. and i am getting to lazy to gel it. so i choose the lazy option of wearing a cap. that's all. why this cap? cos its blue. and its my favourite colour.

also, i bought a plastic screen for my laptap that is supposed to filter away the glare. actually its more because i am getting tired of my screen attracting all the dust. and i am ever so afraid that whenever i wipe it, i would scratch the LCD screen. so i bought a plastic filter. the interesting event was that, because the plastic filter was too big for my screen, i had to get it cut. the shop attendent, was this super cheerful auntie (its not the usual one, its a total stranger). she was helping me cut the thing. and she was very helpful and skilful in dishing out advise on how to get it cut. i was very amused and also very grateful for her help. so yeah. i am very happy that my baby i.e. my precious laptop has gotten herself some additional protection. she feels pampered. i feel happy. we are both satisfied.

oh, both the cap and the filter cost 25 dollars each.

spent a lot of time watching clips of the female commedian Margaret Cho. my friend recommended her to me and i was laughing at the short clips. you all should at least take a look. you wont see or hear much in singapore though cos she is a fat US-born korean who is a gay/lesbian supporting, government-bashing, trash-talking bitch. or so she proclaims herself to be. but she is really, really, really funny. A pity that she will never be allowed to step on Singapore shores though. i highly recommend this one clip called "pity sex", when she impersonates a highly bored girl having sex. its is super funny. go watch.

so yeah. other than that. boring, fruitless day. but i shant go on anymore. like i said, i make my own bed, sow my own seeds and dig my own grave.

anyway, yeah. maybe on a more serious note. i want to apologise to many of my friends who had to endure my gloomy looks and moody aura. apparently i have quite a huge impact on some of them, or at least the few i have left.
all i can say, is that all of us have problems and worries, and inner demons and conflicts. everyday is a battle, when all you have left are wearied spirits and gashed battle scars. its just that some of us are less able to hide them from the external reality we are in contact with.
you may ask, and wonder and question and second guess. the least you all can do to help is just be patient. the truth is, i am extremely obnoxious, and repulsive, and repellant. but rather than express anger, i choose instead the emotion of melancholy. i find that it is drives less people away than aggression and anger. also, the more concerned are more likely to approach me and ask whats wrong. but it seems that even melancholy has had the same effect. isolation can sometimes be more devastating than manifest rage.

there are always some things that you have to deal with yourself. i am the sort when i feel that i need help and advice, i will ask. so dont worry about me. there are other more important things that you all should attend to than a sulky boy. anyway, i will try to cheer up. i will try not to let things bother me too much. just give me some time okay?

so until then, i pray that God does not give me anymore trouble. cos i am troubled enough.

Your Brain is 40.00% Female, 60.00% Male

You have a total boy brain Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts And while your emotions do sway you sometimes... You never like to get feelings too involved

just as i promised, i will be typing another entry after watching naruto.
anyway, just to say, i am very excited about the next episode. my hairs were standing at nearing the end, cos three of the heros were just about to be killed by 3 villains when 3 allies who used to be enemies jumped in and saved them. and they are all damn strong... wonder what the exciting fighting sequences are lined up in the next episode! oo hoo!!!

i am falling sick. weird. i was studying at arts, and felt really cold. and when i came back, my old habit kicked in. you see, whenever i fall sick, i attribute it to the place where i sleep. i always think its always because that my room is super dusty and therefore unhygeinic. then i start my spring cleaning: sweep the floor, tidy the place, put things in order. i always knew this was very beneficial, because i put myself at risk to more dust and all... but ah well... i want to sleep in comfort in the knowledge that my room is cleaner, whether or not i will fall sicker tomorrow.
will take a double dose of vitamin c later.

my sister came over and slept over in my room last night. sigh... i was forced to sleep on the hard floor. i thought i would be able to sleep because if i slept at 3 (i was memorizing my speech) and was tired enough, i would just concuss immediately. but this was not the case. after 10 minutes of sleep attempt. i jumped into the bed with my sleeping sister and slept on a slither of the bed on my side. i knew if i were not careful i would fall off the bed, hit the floor and die (anyway, the probability of that happening is 1 in 10 million) but i was too tired to care. the next thing i knew was that my sister was up the next morning and was rushing out. i was just so glad i finally had the bed all to myself again and proceeded to sprawl myself over my wonderful loft.

my sister was telling last night, that she would like to stay on campus, but without paying for it. cheapskate right? i anticipate that she would be visiting my room more often. she would rather inconvenience me than inconvenience a friend. such a thoughtful and caring friend right??? if only she was just a thoughtful and caring a sister. haha!!!

i was telling her to just get a room. then i tried imagining her living alone. then i realise that she would do just fine. because my she is a very resilient and independent girl. probably even more than me. i know a few people who after staying in hall for just one sem was crying and desperate to go back home, because of overwhelming homesickness. then i ran through the list of my female friends (i am sure my male friend can cope quite well) who are staying in hall, and wonder, how they themselves cope with the homesickness. i never felt homesick to the extent of wishing to go back (so far i have only gone back twice this sem, far less than when i was in the army). so i wonder how my female friends cope... hannah, lydia, julinna, wenya... hmm. perhaps they are just as resilient and independent as my sister. ah well. i just want to say that i am very proud of my sister.

okay, i have to go and try to get some sleep, before i really do fall ill. night!

sitting right here again in the law corridor, waiting for y favourite anime to finish downloading, so i decided to just blog.

today marks the end of 2 presentations, one for my technologies module, and another for my statistics module. one right after the other... "wah... so xiong..." of course. i slept at 3 trying to memorise my script after spending 6 hours on the power point presentation.

well, they went all right. first was the technologies module. we were just supposed to present a recent technology. i guess i did better this time round, cos i rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. but when it came to the Q&A, and when the professor asked me a question... i got stumped. and and usualy, fumbled, mumbled, tumbled, stumbled. haha!!! well, i prepared a few questions i could expect, like what were the risks of male infertility (oh, i did a presentation on a sperm sorting machine that extracts the healthy sperm cells) or stuff like that. but he asked "how do they know that they sperm cells are the healthy ones?" stunned.... i mean, they never mentioned it in the report... its just a discovery right? as long as it works right? does it really matter? hm. someone tell me why am i in this module again???

oh, and i got back that physics test today. well, true enough, i failed. by 1/2 a mark. well, for those who kept saying that i will pass, well, not that its a point i am proud to prove. its just that, sometimes, i guess one lesson i learned in both expressing and receiving someone's else's expressing, that one should be discriminating. dont go about screaming and bewailing and damning god and breathing it down others' necks that you think you are going to fail a test. it is always NEVER that bad. and do not go about casually dismissing someone's bewailing as an exaggerated reaction, cause he or she is NEVER always that good.

oh. good. download finished. will do another entry after watching it!

hi guys. someone sent this, thought was quite funny. would like to share it with my non-db frens!


Ted is 7-yr old n he's very bad in essay writing.
one day the teacher asked the class to write a 500-word essay base on
any title they like. Ted thought real hard n finally he started his
essay:



Titled: Composition - my lost cat


One day i lost my kitty, i went out to the street n started calling:
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty..." but she never comes back, that's how i lost my cat.

(510 words)

i have been sitting on this same bench since 10 in the morning. and have taken 6 hours to do a power point presentation. its quite funny, cos i told my project group mate that i will get in done in 1 hour. but i got quite caught up in the details... like is this aligned? are these colourful enough? haha!!! it was fun creating something from scratch, something that's yours and yours alone.

now i am done. and bloggin. later i need to start memorising my 3 minute talk on the wonderful sperm magnet. how attractive.

***

training was tough yesterday. and its getting tougher everytime i go. i am running slower and slower. being right at the end is quite hard. no one to run with you. no one to encourage you. thats when i realise that (not for the first time though) that sometimes you have to go it alone. all by yourself. with no one but yourself. it is definitely hard, and many a times you really just want to slow down, take your time, or just stop entirely. but i just know i have to keep going. no matter what, just keep going. i will reach the end point, last, but definitely stronger.

sometimes i think i am independent to the point of exclusion. and sometimes i am proud to the point of arrogance. i belittle others and think myself strong. but most of the time, i am proven wrong. i aint invincible, i aint superman.
sometimes i am just totally weak and compliant. sometimes i just want to be left alone. sometimes i just want someone to share the silence with me. thats when i realise that no one aint going to know if i keep to myself. no one is going to care with my repulsive go-away attitude. and that's when i try to talk, only to have everyone already turned away from me.

i make my own bed, i dig my own grave, i sow my own seeds. i dont blame anyone for what has happened. i only have myself to blame. i know what is going on. i aint stupid, i aint immature, i aint blind. i am just silent.

anyway, we did weights training at the old gym. was teamed up with keagan and dr mel. never really had the chance, or rather, i never took the chance to interact with them. just got to know them a little better, trivial the details may be. like keagan likes transformers too. he's the only other guy i know who watched the japanese series. the victory series aka head masters and powermasters. and dr mel is busy as ever, and has an injured shoulder. oh, and he is another one who goes about complaining about how fat he is when he has a body that we should all work towards having. sure, go ahead and insult at least half the team.

other than that, i was a good workout. never had such muscle ache for that long.
***

well, i will be seeing some more familiar faces in PGP now. Two db gals, Juliana and Wenya, have moved in -- surprise, surprise -- to the same block i live in. oh course, its not like we live next door to each other, but it is always nice to say a fortuitous hi once a while in a residence that is almost like a foreign country.

din know they moved in until i met wenya at pgp. and to think i was going to offer them a hand to help them move in. ah well. hope they have a nice stay. for me, my pgp room is really just a place to sleep in. its serves its purpose so well, that just by stepping in, you are engulfed in a soporific humidity. the room inside is a sauna compared to the outside. usually after bathing, i begin sweating again when i enter my room. how ironic. but so far the plan is working fine. the moment i wake up, i am glad i have a decent enough level of discipline to get out of bed to come to school. it is maddening studying in that room. there was this one time, i decided to read (a foolish attempt to convince myself that there was no need to travel to school) and before 30 minutes was up, i was in dreamland. i jolted myself out of bed and sit on the floor and read, but i ended up crawling back into the embrace of my blanket and pillow. then finally, i got so frustrated in my sleep, that i got up, grabbed my bag and literally ran out of the room to school, fuming and angry with myself for sleeping away the morning.

last night, i met the two of them again at the laundry. think i scared them with my own frustrating experience with the laundry machine. haha!!! well, it was a scarring experience for me. basically i spent 2 dollars on my first load of laundry. GM told me 40 cents was enough. but ah well, lets just say that it was not enough for me. so i kept feeding the coin machine more and more 20 cent coins to just complete my half washed or half dried clothes. ah well. sorry girls. still, you will have to go and experience it first hand yourself.

***

okay, back to my sperm magnet.

what is wrong with me? i can never be able to string a coherent sentence together. just finshed psychology tutorial. feeling drained, feeling sad.

i was asked to give an explaination for something because it was my idea. i fumbled. and jumbled. and tumbled. my words that is. personally for me, it was a horrifying experience. i shut my eyes in an attempt to hear my brain speak. yet, i stuttered and totally embarrassed myself. and preceding that, i gave a wrong answer when i was called out to speak. sigh. i honestly thought of the answer myself. i thought it was original. but it came out wrong.

the tutorial was another blow to my self confidence. just when i thought i did fairly well for the psychology test. somehow, i rationalise that i am just book smart, but not life smart. i cannot think out a good answer, i cannot express a thought in a smooth manner.... it was depressing.

i felt so embarassed. because three - quarters of the class were filled with girls. worse, there were people who know me by face. i was striking am impression, a very bad impression.
its so sad. i wonder what are their thoughts when they see me, "oh its that weird guy who cant speak properly."

i guess i am feeling this more acutely than previous similar occurences is because i was chatting with some friends, and we were talking about superficiality. i thought that image was very important. oh course, a line must be drawn between image and supericiality. apparently my friend's church friend uses the words like "you are my best buddy in the whole wide world" and "you are the only person i can ever depend on" quite flippantly. yes, it would make the other person feel comforted and happy and important. but then when it comes to the cruch, what will the likely effect be? i dont know. i dont want to know. i don't want to be the recipient of such words only to find that people like this forget about you at the drop of a hat. they may not be words of eternal love, but they have meaning, deep, profound, important meaning. dun use them too lightly.

but i digress. my point is, superficial people may be, image is still important, not only how you look, how you dress, but more importantly how you behave. what you speak, how you speak.
i lack in all of the above areas. i like to think myself as the wild, uncultured, unencumbered Tarzan of the urban jungle. without the loin cloth of course. then again, i aint that bad with the loin cloth, right?

so at the end of the day, with another poke at my image bubble. i feel busted. need to start buying hair gel now... and revert to practise talking and conversing in front of the mirror. yeah..


love the wall paper? i know its a little black and a little red. but for the un-anime-d (i.e. those who do not watch anime), the cartoon character is uchiha itachi, the brother of uchiha sasuke (who has become my wallpaper btw). this is from the popular cartoon series naruto, of which i has been my only form of entertainment. itachi is the murderer of his own family clan, and is the target of sasuke's vengence. itachi's really mysterious, and really powerful. someone i would like to be more of. haha!!!

okay. i need to go and practise in front of the mirror now.

my friend just sent me this anti-fur video clip. its gross. its disgusting. shall i tell you all about it?
warning: this is absolutely NOT for the faint hearted.

so the first scene shows the "live" video tape at some tannery in china. so you see these upclose shots of some cute raccoon-like bear. then zoom out, you see one furry body writhing on the dusty ground. a man enters and opens the cage and grabs of the bear. the bear clings for dear life onto the cage but the man easily pulls it away. he holds the bear by the hindlegs. the bear's fore limbs flailing helplessly as if trying to reach for the ground. suddenly the bear is flung high into the sky and in a split second, changes velocity and heads groundward like it asked for so desperately. the head and the dusty ground meet in a combustion of dust and silent screams. and before the bear could try to grasp the ground, it sees blue sky again and then brown earth. it is rendered semi conscious in 2 to 3 flings. the man lets it lie on the ground. it trembles, but unable to get onto its feet, immobilized.

second scene. the bear is breathing, heaving; its eyes lids sporadically blinking. is it crying? we have no time to contemplate, because the same man reappears with a hand axe in his grasp. he drags the poor creature a distance, and proceeds to chop off its paws. one by one, while the bear continues to struggle. in another matter of seconds, the bear is seen writhing, now, pawless, blood flowing like red honey from hollowed limbs. the same watery eyes are captured by the camera.

third scene. the man now holds a dirge and starts to cut the bear from its anus. tearing and ripping the animal like how we open a milo packet. the red streak grows bigger and spreads further. the man makes more slits along the pawless limbs. the animal is still struggling, only less. it is silent and unable to scream, save some soft desperate cries for its own god... its prayers are arrested by blood and pain.

forth scene. the bear is strung up. the man tugs at the fur. the fur begins peeling from top down, like a banana, revealing the bloody body. the fur comes off slowly in one big piece, like a shirt. down form the animal's buttocks, to the neck. now, it hangs around its neck, a garment of fur, refusing to detach. the man tugs even harder. finally the last skin of fur is ripped from its face, displaying a sallowed, maroon, dripping head. its watery eyes, disappeard in a waterfall of blood. the eyes, before black, are drenched in red.

fifth scene. the skinless body is flung into a barrow, with all its other bloody compatriots, whose prayers too have gone unheard. the bear continues to writhe. it rears its head up, struggles to stand on powerless limbs. it holds its head up for 3 seconds before it gives up and falls back, head hanging, body writhing, barely breathing.

sixth scene. a picture of a sexy lady whose overflowing bosoms are barely restrained by a lush jacket of fur.

seventh scene. "stop buying fur."

oh, and this same process goes on for quite a few more animals.

16 minutes of torturous footage. was quite stunned and shaken. my head is pounding, aching. well, i hearby declare myself anti-fur.

whenever i see a dog, i will think of the video clip. and to myself thank god, that this one is not skinned by a skinner somewhere in china.

hey peepz! yes i am still awake. but not because i was studying my ass off. i was doing a research that required me to talk about a new technology / invention that popped out of laboratories within the last 6 months. As i am a techno-idiot and am kinda of anti-science ever since secondary school (and esp. since the physics test, i have sworn off physics), i could not understand most of the articles, some like personal fabrication (har?), hybrid technology (har?). so in the end, i opted for something thats closer to the heart. or rather to the balls. literally. i chose an article on a "sperm magnet" that could cure infertility.

i chose that because its bio, and i understand bio better than i do physics or "cold, hard technology." i am afterall a living, organic being, and not a mechanical monster. actually i dun really know why i chose it. probably cos its 1 in the morning, i am tired from training, and desperate for sleep.

however, the article got me thinking. infertility eh? and then i wondered what it means to be infertile. what if i am infertile? well, its kinda of a really personal issue i guess. i know for sure i dun have erectile dysfunction. but that may or may not mean i am biologically fertile right? unless i have impregnated any of the last 100 non-existent women i ever slept with. what if i got married and want kids, and when i am like 30 or 40, realise for the first time (yes, i am a virgin, and want to remain one until i marry thank you very much) that i cannot produce kids. oh dear. thats like a daunting thought (and even if i do ever infringe the no pre-marital sex rule, i definitely do not want to impregnate her). so at the end of the day, my question is how do i know i am fertile or not? how do i know i am a gun shooting empty bullets?

okay. i am rambling. i guess when 20 years down the road of marriage and trying it for everynight for 20 years, and my wife and i still dun have a child, i guess it would be safe then to conclude that i am probably infertile. haha!!!

ah well, just pray i can do a better job with this round of presentation i guess. okay. night!