i think i can unshamedly, unbashfully, willingly, sincerely, truthfully, unhesistantly, unfeignedly, honestly, frankly and genuinely say that, there is noone, noone, except for that one person in my heart and my parents, more important, significant, essential, crucial, consequential, for whoever i should sacrifice my life, my attention, my time, my passion, my work, my everything in its entire entirety at whatever the cost for, than ME.
ganbatene, baka inu
when it rains, it pours. that was what happened these few days.
here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.
went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.
went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.
did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.
depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.
and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.
and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.
and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.
its a sunny day, but i am soaked.
here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.
went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.
went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.
did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.
depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.
and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.
and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.
and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.
its a sunny day, but i am soaked.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
im like finally here.
anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!
i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.
relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.
not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.
makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.
i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.
i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.
progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.
taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.
no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.
i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.
and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.
thanks for the chocs.
im like finally here.
anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!
i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.
relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.
not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.
makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.
i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.
i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.
progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.
taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.
no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.
i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.
and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.
thanks for the chocs.
ganbatene, baka inu
sometimes i wonder why is it that i am very quiet?
its only because i am controlling my blabber mouth from going out of control.
one too many times, this nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating mouth of mine -- with its partner in crime: the equally (no, even more) nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating brain of mine -- have done me enough injustice to sentence myself to life imprisonment in social isolation.
these words that bullet through the gun barrel of my throat have waged wars, gunned down other's pride, grazed the hearts of loved ones, burrowed deep into the psyche of men, and sometimes spiritually killed people.
these words cut, raze, tunnel, scratch, bore, peirce, slice, saw, and eventually cause destruction, devastation, impoverishment, amaggeddon.
and so, in order to try to cease this wanton dismantling of the lives of others, so intricately intertwined with my own, i try to remain reticent, taciturn, quiet, silent, self-effacing, restrained, controlled, hushed.
i do not wish to argue, to debate, to opinionate, to make a fool of myself, to contribute to the noise level, to be the empty vessel that i already am.
i just want this world to be a better place. and from my own experiences, i can contribute better by not speaking, and perhaps, more action.
its only because i am controlling my blabber mouth from going out of control.
one too many times, this nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating mouth of mine -- with its partner in crime: the equally (no, even more) nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating brain of mine -- have done me enough injustice to sentence myself to life imprisonment in social isolation.
these words that bullet through the gun barrel of my throat have waged wars, gunned down other's pride, grazed the hearts of loved ones, burrowed deep into the psyche of men, and sometimes spiritually killed people.
these words cut, raze, tunnel, scratch, bore, peirce, slice, saw, and eventually cause destruction, devastation, impoverishment, amaggeddon.
and so, in order to try to cease this wanton dismantling of the lives of others, so intricately intertwined with my own, i try to remain reticent, taciturn, quiet, silent, self-effacing, restrained, controlled, hushed.
i do not wish to argue, to debate, to opinionate, to make a fool of myself, to contribute to the noise level, to be the empty vessel that i already am.
i just want this world to be a better place. and from my own experiences, i can contribute better by not speaking, and perhaps, more action.
ganbatene, baka inu
would you forgive someone if he or she accidently let out a secret that was not meant to be public?
i would not easily.
and hence, i deserve all the guilt, all the blame, all the anger, all the disappointment, all the hate.
for i have sinned against a friend.
no amount of apology will suffice.
i depend only on your graciousness to forgive.
i would not easily.
and hence, i deserve all the guilt, all the blame, all the anger, all the disappointment, all the hate.
for i have sinned against a friend.
no amount of apology will suffice.
i depend only on your graciousness to forgive.
ganbatene, baka inu
forgive me. the following is simply a whole load of trash, but yet a mumbo-jumbo, helter-skelter about the essential meaninglessness of life, of people, of me.
*********
man is essentially selfish.
i am having a tough time dealing with that.
all men think only for and about themselves.
that i understand.
i do that too. all the time. i only think of the sacrifices I have made. i only think of the efforts I have made. i only think of the commitments, the energies, the thoughts I have put into. I and I alone. I am the most selfish ass on earth. yes.
yet, i have a problem with everyone else.
if i had a bone to pick with the world, i would have enough to create the exoskeleton of a typical shark.
no one says thank you when i open the door for others. only old aunties. everyone else simply rush off doing their own business. the world is unappreiciative of me. and see how i manage to make this problem my own.
no wonder i am loosing enthusiasm. no wonder i am loosing faith. if the only mantra i cling on to are "boats" and "books," oh how shallow has my life become. oh how pathetic i have made my life to be.
no wonder religion exists. depend on god, simply because men are essential undependable. thoughts like this, makes me want to shave my head and move into a monastary.
humans beings think too much of themselve and about themselves. everyone else are simply appendages and tools for their own pleasure, for their own projects, their own agendas. do i live for others? no, i live for myself.
so where is this reason i am supposed to find? in friends? in family? in boats? or in books? in myself? oh. look. we are back to the same and most pertinent topic. me.
zest and reason has come to be found in every stroke, in every catch, in every pull. it means defeating an imaginary and/or forced enemy. friends are enemies, enemies are enemies. as long as i want to win, everyone else is enemy. i wonder if this is the reason.
or is it to be found in reading page after page of wars and devastation afflicted in post colonial countries? or how to make nice surveys for the benefit of a company? or in the photocopy of book after book? or the watching of tape after tape? the completion of essay after essay? tutorial after tutorial? pull up after pull up? push up after push up? crunch after crunch? money after money? dollar after dollar?
the more i think about it, the more everything loses its meaning. the more i hope for the best in people, the more my expectations fall short. the more i think about the positive, the more negatives i find. the more i give, the more i find myself giving. to the point, where i find myself bare and naked.
I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a load of crap.
i told myself not to whine, nor complain, nor find fault in everything around me. i tried to control my emotions, i tried to muster my strength. but the fact that i am blogging this out, means, i have reached my mental threshold and emotional containment.
allow me my release. allow me my penseive mood. allow me, as all my male and female friends would brush off as, my PMS, my bitching, my ranting, my essentially meaningless and ultimately insignificant (to them at least) banter of thoughtless nonsense.
if i were someone else reading this, i would roll my eyes, mutter something under my breath, think that this idiot is really talking about me, let my imagination run wild, and ultimately return back to the calming and soothing melodies of mozart and the challenge of reading my readings.
ah. I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a...
*********
man is essentially selfish.
i am having a tough time dealing with that.
all men think only for and about themselves.
that i understand.
i do that too. all the time. i only think of the sacrifices I have made. i only think of the efforts I have made. i only think of the commitments, the energies, the thoughts I have put into. I and I alone. I am the most selfish ass on earth. yes.
yet, i have a problem with everyone else.
if i had a bone to pick with the world, i would have enough to create the exoskeleton of a typical shark.
no one says thank you when i open the door for others. only old aunties. everyone else simply rush off doing their own business. the world is unappreiciative of me. and see how i manage to make this problem my own.
no wonder i am loosing enthusiasm. no wonder i am loosing faith. if the only mantra i cling on to are "boats" and "books," oh how shallow has my life become. oh how pathetic i have made my life to be.
no wonder religion exists. depend on god, simply because men are essential undependable. thoughts like this, makes me want to shave my head and move into a monastary.
humans beings think too much of themselve and about themselves. everyone else are simply appendages and tools for their own pleasure, for their own projects, their own agendas. do i live for others? no, i live for myself.
so where is this reason i am supposed to find? in friends? in family? in boats? or in books? in myself? oh. look. we are back to the same and most pertinent topic. me.
zest and reason has come to be found in every stroke, in every catch, in every pull. it means defeating an imaginary and/or forced enemy. friends are enemies, enemies are enemies. as long as i want to win, everyone else is enemy. i wonder if this is the reason.
or is it to be found in reading page after page of wars and devastation afflicted in post colonial countries? or how to make nice surveys for the benefit of a company? or in the photocopy of book after book? or the watching of tape after tape? the completion of essay after essay? tutorial after tutorial? pull up after pull up? push up after push up? crunch after crunch? money after money? dollar after dollar?
the more i think about it, the more everything loses its meaning. the more i hope for the best in people, the more my expectations fall short. the more i think about the positive, the more negatives i find. the more i give, the more i find myself giving. to the point, where i find myself bare and naked.
I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a load of crap.
i told myself not to whine, nor complain, nor find fault in everything around me. i tried to control my emotions, i tried to muster my strength. but the fact that i am blogging this out, means, i have reached my mental threshold and emotional containment.
allow me my release. allow me my penseive mood. allow me, as all my male and female friends would brush off as, my PMS, my bitching, my ranting, my essentially meaningless and ultimately insignificant (to them at least) banter of thoughtless nonsense.
if i were someone else reading this, i would roll my eyes, mutter something under my breath, think that this idiot is really talking about me, let my imagination run wild, and ultimately return back to the calming and soothing melodies of mozart and the challenge of reading my readings.
ah. I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a...
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
must make this short.
had nice birthday celebrations this year! woo hoo!!!
first with parents and sister, coffee cream cake. period.
second with the team, or whoever was free to turn up, cafe cartel, swensons ice cream cake. nice. special mention goes to johnny who came down specially to celebrate it with me yesterday. also to gm who called people to come down.
third with eileen, stephen and alvin. been a long time since we met up. had lunch. treated them drinks. got a card from e. alvin kept talking about phones and stephen played along. hope to meet up with them again soon. probably next sem! haha. eileen the social worker. haha!
fourth at holland village. nicest surprises. special mention goes to michelle!!! who came down to surprise me. also to the carnations. and the shirt, and the slippers and the underwear!
call me materialistic, but i love the presents. was wondering when they were going to come. was hoping for one nice present, like a cd or a shirt i can keep. but the avalanche (receiving 3 presents is considered alot for lil o me) was overwhelming.
thanks guys! for all involved. there were disappointments, and there were surprises and there was happiness. and i guess, really. i am just glad i did not need to spend my birthday in the guard room singing happy birthday to myself.
keke.
still, i hate being 23.
better grab my chances before they pass me by.
must make this short.
had nice birthday celebrations this year! woo hoo!!!
first with parents and sister, coffee cream cake. period.
second with the team, or whoever was free to turn up, cafe cartel, swensons ice cream cake. nice. special mention goes to johnny who came down specially to celebrate it with me yesterday. also to gm who called people to come down.
third with eileen, stephen and alvin. been a long time since we met up. had lunch. treated them drinks. got a card from e. alvin kept talking about phones and stephen played along. hope to meet up with them again soon. probably next sem! haha. eileen the social worker. haha!
fourth at holland village. nicest surprises. special mention goes to michelle!!! who came down to surprise me. also to the carnations. and the shirt, and the slippers and the underwear!
call me materialistic, but i love the presents. was wondering when they were going to come. was hoping for one nice present, like a cd or a shirt i can keep. but the avalanche (receiving 3 presents is considered alot for lil o me) was overwhelming.
thanks guys! for all involved. there were disappointments, and there were surprises and there was happiness. and i guess, really. i am just glad i did not need to spend my birthday in the guard room singing happy birthday to myself.
keke.
still, i hate being 23.
better grab my chances before they pass me by.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
this is an announcement to all my avid (albeit all the few and far between) fans, readers and haters. that i have recently created a livejournal account.
this has been in response to certain friends who they themselves have converted and privatised their blogs. and hence, i have to follow suit in order to access their entries.
hence, i shall be maintaining two accounts. troublesome as it is, but necessary. the livejournal account shall essentially be about dragaonboat, because the circle comprise of dboaters. and it shall be my internal arena of merciless bitching about dragonboat. muahahahaha!!! and it shall contain vital and pretty much confidential information about db, so it shall remain in that sphere.
other than that, i will continue boring all of you with my lifeless life in general here on blogspot. unfortunately, i am not THAT avid an enthusiast about blogging as like alex, ah alex, who consistently posts the truely mundane and the unexpectedly funny with the extremely poserish posts and pictures. i am just plain words. but i will, i will try to promise, to learn how to put up pictures, so everyone can see my physical presence.
and anyway, i dyed my hair. gosh, gasp, horror. its like dull gold. did it at mel's mom's place. very please after the job. wow. i looked different. and the response was initally well received. i told everyone to take a good look, cos at that point, it would have been the best look. beyond that day, i would be too lazy to open the cover of my mud.
and every since that day, i got increased responses from the curious wide-eyes to the jaw dropping screams. GM has been consistently calling me gay looking, cos my hair looks, erm, "gay"? i dun really know what it means. emma thinks so too. herm. and especially so by gm, after i showed them this green v-neck shirt that hugged the contours of my body from TopMan (as recommended by riz). the moment i showed them at the dressing room, it was instantly a NO-NO. "He looks damn gay lah!" GM made the female store attendant laugh at my super metro look. haha! herm. suddenly i started thinking. now what exactly must i do to look better?
anyway, i must thank riesal and melvin for their kind help at my "make-over." thanks guys. i think i got a bit more of fashion sense. now i need to money to actually buy the clothes and accessories.
maybe i should have like a "gay-day" where i dress provokatively. ah well, until that day, it shall still be 7/8 denim berms and my bright gaudy yellow asics shirt and even brigher and gaudier yellow slippers.
this is an announcement to all my avid (albeit all the few and far between) fans, readers and haters. that i have recently created a livejournal account.
this has been in response to certain friends who they themselves have converted and privatised their blogs. and hence, i have to follow suit in order to access their entries.
hence, i shall be maintaining two accounts. troublesome as it is, but necessary. the livejournal account shall essentially be about dragaonboat, because the circle comprise of dboaters. and it shall be my internal arena of merciless bitching about dragonboat. muahahahaha!!! and it shall contain vital and pretty much confidential information about db, so it shall remain in that sphere.
other than that, i will continue boring all of you with my lifeless life in general here on blogspot. unfortunately, i am not THAT avid an enthusiast about blogging as like alex, ah alex, who consistently posts the truely mundane and the unexpectedly funny with the extremely poserish posts and pictures. i am just plain words. but i will, i will try to promise, to learn how to put up pictures, so everyone can see my physical presence.
and anyway, i dyed my hair. gosh, gasp, horror. its like dull gold. did it at mel's mom's place. very please after the job. wow. i looked different. and the response was initally well received. i told everyone to take a good look, cos at that point, it would have been the best look. beyond that day, i would be too lazy to open the cover of my mud.
and every since that day, i got increased responses from the curious wide-eyes to the jaw dropping screams. GM has been consistently calling me gay looking, cos my hair looks, erm, "gay"? i dun really know what it means. emma thinks so too. herm. and especially so by gm, after i showed them this green v-neck shirt that hugged the contours of my body from TopMan (as recommended by riz). the moment i showed them at the dressing room, it was instantly a NO-NO. "He looks damn gay lah!" GM made the female store attendant laugh at my super metro look. haha! herm. suddenly i started thinking. now what exactly must i do to look better?
anyway, i must thank riesal and melvin for their kind help at my "make-over." thanks guys. i think i got a bit more of fashion sense. now i need to money to actually buy the clothes and accessories.
maybe i should have like a "gay-day" where i dress provokatively. ah well, until that day, it shall still be 7/8 denim berms and my bright gaudy yellow asics shirt and even brigher and gaudier yellow slippers.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz.
the guys are training. and i am blogging. cos i am sick AGAIN.
i sense a pattern. i had persistent cough the beginning of last sem. the beginning of this sem. i am sick again. i hope it won't become a ritual. it has been about a week. seen the yih doctor. might want to go back home and see the clinic. asked janice to give me some cough tablets that might cause constipation. she sees Raffles Hospital doctors. hopefully, the medicine would be of a superior quality too. hehe.
anyway, so i was reflecting about myself, as usual. Gm's birthday gave me a big impetus to think about myself, since my own birthday is coming. its not big deal. its not a hush-hush secret. its going to be on the 21st of january. send me smses or messages wishing me happy birthday if you wish. but just to clarify, i dun seek rememberance, nor do i want like surprise parties or expensive presents. at this point of time i really am okay.
i remembered by own 21st birthday. i spent it in the guard room. and opening the gate for my platoon to go home for the long weekend. when the clock struck 12, i sang happy birthday to myself. sad? now that i reflect on it, i laugh at myself really. think its really funny. ah well, my parents forgot my birthday a few times when i was younger. those were heart-breaking times. and now that i look back, i used it to tell my friends and again laugh. of course, to try to gain a few pity points. but they amounted to nought.
of course, i had some really great birthdays. had a remote control car at 5. that was before my parents started forgetting when my birthday was. i remembered one year, i got a bar of chocolate as my present. and another, a toy plastic car from my sister. ah well. then my secondary school friends organized a party for me in sec 2. that was my first party of sorts. and i cried. ah, young, inexperienced, foolish youth. in uni, the alex and the db guys celebrated it at arts bash and a cake. i will always remember it, cos the wish i made came true. and of course, alex got dead drunk and tried to kiss everyone. well, i was the only one willing to take care of him, and we ended up in the corner, with me pinning him down, while he continued to try to smooch and bite me. the guys still laugh, riduculing that we looked like a gay couple furiously making out. ah well. and my sister bought me a samuel and kevin jacket. well, thats basically my birthday histories. at least the more memorable ones.
i am just really glad gm was happy with his. i took quite a bit of effort making it a surprise party. truth be told, sorry gm, but it did not mean to be a surprise party. frankly, i meant to treat him and alex because i lost the who-got-the-lowest-CAP bet. and that led him to think he was going to have a lonely dinner with 2 guys. bet he thought it was going to be the most loserish birthday party ever. that is like akin to me asking them out to celebrate christmas eve at my place watching vcds (which i did ask, but they flatly turned me down, by the way). haha. and well, that propelled me to make it a surprise for him by asking as many of the people as i could. and i am glad they turned up on such short notice.
melvin commented that this has set the standard for future birthdays to come. haha! when i heard that, frankly, i got pretty scared. i certainly do not want to plan such huge scale events (huge in my living context) after going through the horrors of planning, worrying about if he was going to find out, and desperately smsing to try to confirm the guest list that kept flucuating with the volatility of a woman experiencing menopause. and how surprises kept surprising me, like how gm who supposed to go out shopping with in the afternoon, ditched me for someone more desirable. (haha! but its only natural so i understand) and so i had to start aliasing with that someone through someone else, and argh. it was mind-bogglingly stressful. and then came the logistics, of having the gather all that agreed to come, to meet at a strategic point at a designated time, while stressing that everyone come on time. and then i had some who would be late, and some who wanted to be late. then it came to coordinating the movements, such that there would not be any chances of him seeing, and then getting him to come. and keeping his attention distracted until that single moment when he would step in and go, "eh. everyone is here." and then he would be stunned and shocked and then cry. okay. he din cry. he just faked it with a finger running down his face. and then came the accounts. haha! presents, cakes, and trying to divide them among those who came and those who didn't. and haha! you all get the idea. bottom line. i hope i dun have to go through this nightmare any time soon. and my main point. i dun want anyone to go through SO much trouble for lil o' me. cos then, i will, like how gm feels towards me now, pretty much a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness. so gm, please, do not, i warn you, do not do anything farnee.
so what exactly do i want? frankly, i don't know. certainly no big gatherings. and no fatty birthday cake, and no throwing me into the sea, and no big hoo-haas. but actually, i haven't really thought of what i wanted. ah well. there's still time. right?
but yet when i think about how i am going to be a grand old age of 23, CRIPES! everytime i think of the number, it really freaks me out.
somehow or rather, a certain chain of events got me thinking about the topic of "emotional maturity." and so i goggled "emotional maturity" and this was what i found:
******************
SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY
1. Volatile Emotions
Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.
2. Over-Dependence
Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don't need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other). Over-dependence is indicated by; a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.
3. Stimulation Hunger
This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means putting off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.
4. Egocentricity
Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It's major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can't have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.
Are you emotionally mature?
***********************
http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm (bibliography. in case i get sued for plagiarism)
and as i read this, i found myself mentally ticking off many (thankfully, not all) of the characteristics i identified in myself, and my behaviors.
and so i ponder and reflect and wonder. where along the way did i go wrong. but more importantly for me, is what must i do to correct my faults. and i am finding a seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me.
in my bid for emotional maturity, i start to question, what do i have to do? what must i give up? what sort of time, effort, activities, must i sacrifice/ scale down/ take up.
i AM going to be 23. i should make a more conceited effort to grow up.
the guys are training. and i am blogging. cos i am sick AGAIN.
i sense a pattern. i had persistent cough the beginning of last sem. the beginning of this sem. i am sick again. i hope it won't become a ritual. it has been about a week. seen the yih doctor. might want to go back home and see the clinic. asked janice to give me some cough tablets that might cause constipation. she sees Raffles Hospital doctors. hopefully, the medicine would be of a superior quality too. hehe.
anyway, so i was reflecting about myself, as usual. Gm's birthday gave me a big impetus to think about myself, since my own birthday is coming. its not big deal. its not a hush-hush secret. its going to be on the 21st of january. send me smses or messages wishing me happy birthday if you wish. but just to clarify, i dun seek rememberance, nor do i want like surprise parties or expensive presents. at this point of time i really am okay.
i remembered by own 21st birthday. i spent it in the guard room. and opening the gate for my platoon to go home for the long weekend. when the clock struck 12, i sang happy birthday to myself. sad? now that i reflect on it, i laugh at myself really. think its really funny. ah well, my parents forgot my birthday a few times when i was younger. those were heart-breaking times. and now that i look back, i used it to tell my friends and again laugh. of course, to try to gain a few pity points. but they amounted to nought.
of course, i had some really great birthdays. had a remote control car at 5. that was before my parents started forgetting when my birthday was. i remembered one year, i got a bar of chocolate as my present. and another, a toy plastic car from my sister. ah well. then my secondary school friends organized a party for me in sec 2. that was my first party of sorts. and i cried. ah, young, inexperienced, foolish youth. in uni, the alex and the db guys celebrated it at arts bash and a cake. i will always remember it, cos the wish i made came true. and of course, alex got dead drunk and tried to kiss everyone. well, i was the only one willing to take care of him, and we ended up in the corner, with me pinning him down, while he continued to try to smooch and bite me. the guys still laugh, riduculing that we looked like a gay couple furiously making out. ah well. and my sister bought me a samuel and kevin jacket. well, thats basically my birthday histories. at least the more memorable ones.
i am just really glad gm was happy with his. i took quite a bit of effort making it a surprise party. truth be told, sorry gm, but it did not mean to be a surprise party. frankly, i meant to treat him and alex because i lost the who-got-the-lowest-CAP bet. and that led him to think he was going to have a lonely dinner with 2 guys. bet he thought it was going to be the most loserish birthday party ever. that is like akin to me asking them out to celebrate christmas eve at my place watching vcds (which i did ask, but they flatly turned me down, by the way). haha. and well, that propelled me to make it a surprise for him by asking as many of the people as i could. and i am glad they turned up on such short notice.
melvin commented that this has set the standard for future birthdays to come. haha! when i heard that, frankly, i got pretty scared. i certainly do not want to plan such huge scale events (huge in my living context) after going through the horrors of planning, worrying about if he was going to find out, and desperately smsing to try to confirm the guest list that kept flucuating with the volatility of a woman experiencing menopause. and how surprises kept surprising me, like how gm who supposed to go out shopping with in the afternoon, ditched me for someone more desirable. (haha! but its only natural so i understand) and so i had to start aliasing with that someone through someone else, and argh. it was mind-bogglingly stressful. and then came the logistics, of having the gather all that agreed to come, to meet at a strategic point at a designated time, while stressing that everyone come on time. and then i had some who would be late, and some who wanted to be late. then it came to coordinating the movements, such that there would not be any chances of him seeing, and then getting him to come. and keeping his attention distracted until that single moment when he would step in and go, "eh. everyone is here." and then he would be stunned and shocked and then cry. okay. he din cry. he just faked it with a finger running down his face. and then came the accounts. haha! presents, cakes, and trying to divide them among those who came and those who didn't. and haha! you all get the idea. bottom line. i hope i dun have to go through this nightmare any time soon. and my main point. i dun want anyone to go through SO much trouble for lil o' me. cos then, i will, like how gm feels towards me now, pretty much a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness. so gm, please, do not, i warn you, do not do anything farnee.
so what exactly do i want? frankly, i don't know. certainly no big gatherings. and no fatty birthday cake, and no throwing me into the sea, and no big hoo-haas. but actually, i haven't really thought of what i wanted. ah well. there's still time. right?
but yet when i think about how i am going to be a grand old age of 23, CRIPES! everytime i think of the number, it really freaks me out.
somehow or rather, a certain chain of events got me thinking about the topic of "emotional maturity." and so i goggled "emotional maturity" and this was what i found:
******************
SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY
1. Volatile Emotions
Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.
2. Over-Dependence
Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don't need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other). Over-dependence is indicated by; a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.
3. Stimulation Hunger
This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means putting off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.
4. Egocentricity
Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It's major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can't have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.
Are you emotionally mature?
***********************
http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm (bibliography. in case i get sued for plagiarism)
and as i read this, i found myself mentally ticking off many (thankfully, not all) of the characteristics i identified in myself, and my behaviors.
and so i ponder and reflect and wonder. where along the way did i go wrong. but more importantly for me, is what must i do to correct my faults. and i am finding a seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me.
in my bid for emotional maturity, i start to question, what do i have to do? what must i give up? what sort of time, effort, activities, must i sacrifice/ scale down/ take up.
i AM going to be 23. i should make a more conceited effort to grow up.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
yes, yes, yes. finally, i blogged. haha. thanks to a consistent flow of complaints from nice, ardent fans about the dismay they experience everytime they see "11th November" whenever they open this blog page, i have finally decided to take some time to make a come back entry.
during that one month, so many many things have happened. and so fast too. shall not bore all of you with details, so here's a brief outline of significant events.
firstly, exams. stress, revision, stress, stress, yada yada yada. everyone experiences it, so no stranger to these phenomena. it was great studying with friends, and familiar faces, especially with dragonboaters, knowing that your fellow friends, who row beside you, are working just as hard studying together, all striving for individual yet the united goal of better grades. also of special mention, to benny and shumei who are always together, and have also been faithful companions with me in our days and nights of ardent struggles.
and so, after exams, it was the dreaded standard chartered marathon. my first of many to come i believe. trained only once on a torturous journey with yoke and jiahe. oh how i will remember that hot day. and oh, how i more impressedly i will remember the actual marathon. how i had yoke and pq as initial companions, and then ah fu. and how much determination ah fu had when we were running together briefly. oh, but the most memorable part was how i fought, and how at so many part, i simply decided to give up to walk and how much effort i had to garner to run again. what was disappointing for me, was not really that i gave up, but really how easily i gave up. with how little mental rhetoric and persuasion i attempted against giving up, and how quickly i actually did. what was satisfying was i completed it under 5 hours. next time, next time. i shall not give up. next time, next time, i shall run faster, harder and with a whole lot more preparation.
and hence, after one day of recovery, took my first ippt. all thanks to my dear dear buddy desmond, who paced me, did i achieve my gold. who satisfying did i get my 400 dollars. and how quickly, and unconsciously that amount vanished. haha.
signed up for california fitness for a month and for 18 dollars! thought i bought myself a real deal! almost everyday was dedicated to luxurious gymming. got to know andy. interesting guy, no doubt. got to know spinning, and got to see really babelicious instructors like seline, oh seline, and elizabeth. haha! if i am rich enough, and work in the cbd area, will prob get a membership there. so many interesting drama in the locker room too, involving andy, melvin and alex. ah well.
moved back home. so glad to see my parents everyday again. of course, i started missing my room the moment they started nagging again. after so long, i realise that the more i grew away from my parents, the more i am growing to become like them. my "auntie" nature of totally relishing in discounts is so like my mom. and the tendency to enjoy domestic duties like cleaning the room is so like my dad. oh dear. am i going to look in the mirror and see my dad in myself? no disrespect, i simply fear becoming like my parents. i wish to grow and mature into someone independent and capable of a different nature than of my parents. i wish to do them proud in achieving the success they would only wish for me.
christmas eve. how some of the guys will remember christmas eve. here is just a brief discription. had a party at my place with the guys. lots of alcohol. someone got dead drunk. that someone puked on my bed, my floor, my cd collection. that someone had puke smothered all over his face. that someone had to be dragged all the way to the toilet. the rest of us had a hard laugh. that someone had an intimate time with the toilet bowl. that someone had a major hangover. another guy came late, drunk and acted totally cute. had a good laugh at him too. and a third guy drank little got drunk too and slept lots. puked lots too. but at least he had enough clarity in him to puke in a plastic bag. mel helped lots in cleaning up. after everyone fell into slumber, i stayed up and cleaned up till 5 until i myself had to collapse in exhaustion. great party guys. really.
results. i remember that day. was in the library. it was raining. was in the toilet doing some big business when a certain alex called and shrieked how well he did. 4.5. was happy and pretty surprised, as was everyone. who knew that the guy with so little general knowledge and inability to operate a washing machine could actually get onto dean's list. a lesson to be learnt about stereotyping i guess. although as his roommate, i should give him credit for working smart and hard though he did give the impression that he was whiling his time away blogging 5 times a day. was very glad to hear subsequently that many people did extremely well. made a bet with gm and alex, that the guy with the lowest cap would treat. in the end, I treated. i got 4.3. shucks. haha. guess, i learned a lesson about humility. haha! and a good lesson too. congrats to gm and alex for exceeding expectations. also congrats to all those who did so well. i am more determined to work a lot harder and hopefully exceed my own expectations.
new years eve. went on a crazy sales hunt. first, it was to gnc, then to the U2 warehouse sale and then to the books warehouse sale with mel and riesal. we really went mad. the "auntie" in me was simply overjoyed. then the "guilty" conscious kicked in when i recounted how much i spent that day. ah well.
new years eve party. everyone thought there was going to be repeated affair at johnny's. this time, it was mainly red wine. tried to get each other drunk. but alex held his liquor pretty well, and guomin would not be fooled. kim huat's girlfriends cheesecake was simply sedap. and johnny was the ultimate hospitable host. we enjoyed ourselves there too! so many people turned up. played worms with mel, alex and xiangyi. xiangyi was annoyingly good. despite all the collaborations and plottings against him, he still managed to win 5 out of 5 times. grrr... and it was so fun.
through out the holidays, met up with many many friends whom i had not seen for so so long. my jc classmates, my secondary classmates, my ns buddies, and other friends. went blading with janice. was quite a good experience. shall pick up blading soon. got to know a few new friends too. hehe.
school's started. having a five day work week again. harder modules. smarter people. 2 psychology modules! when i am not a psychology major. social and industrial and organizational psychology. 2 political science modules: political enquiry and government and politics of southeast asia. and a science usp module called evolution. wow wow wow. the sem just gets harder and harder. of course more and more challenging.
guomin's birthday today. had the hardest time organizing a surprise party. and it was the biggest party to date. invited both the guys and the girls. was glad at the turnout. had to make so many plans, send so many smses, make so many trips. glad that he was actually surprised. was so afraid that someone would have accidentally told him, or that he actually suspected. he thought he was going to spend a lonely party with 4 people. "so much for popularity." melvin was commenting, we have set the standard for all the birthday parties to come. herm. its going to be so so hard. hehe. had great help from qianyi and wenya. and angela for cooperating so sportingly. was a bit disappointed though, at again, how the guys and girls tended stay apart, both sides seemingly so shy or adamant at talking to one another. thought it would be juvenile if we were to force a guy-girl-guy-girl sitting arrangement. i was hoping that under a social setting, that beyond the usual melvin, alex, jason, guomin and me "liason officers", more of the guys and girls would make some sort of concerted effort to get to know one another. but i guess, "shyness" is the main reason. just hope the get together broke some more of the ice. anyway, they went to ktv while mel, alex, wen, jul and i went for coffee. so i really, fingers-crossed, through ktv, hopefully a more intimate setting, the guys and girls got to know one another better.
so school has begun. many of us are actually looking forward to it. the initial dreams, hopes and plans are laid out. day after day, it will be a challenge. day after day we will all fight and strive for our goals. and i hope that day after day, we shall forge closer bonds. we shall attain a closer step to happiness. we shall fulfil our destinies. sounds grand? cos it will be.
yes, yes, yes. finally, i blogged. haha. thanks to a consistent flow of complaints from nice, ardent fans about the dismay they experience everytime they see "11th November" whenever they open this blog page, i have finally decided to take some time to make a come back entry.
during that one month, so many many things have happened. and so fast too. shall not bore all of you with details, so here's a brief outline of significant events.
firstly, exams. stress, revision, stress, stress, yada yada yada. everyone experiences it, so no stranger to these phenomena. it was great studying with friends, and familiar faces, especially with dragonboaters, knowing that your fellow friends, who row beside you, are working just as hard studying together, all striving for individual yet the united goal of better grades. also of special mention, to benny and shumei who are always together, and have also been faithful companions with me in our days and nights of ardent struggles.
and so, after exams, it was the dreaded standard chartered marathon. my first of many to come i believe. trained only once on a torturous journey with yoke and jiahe. oh how i will remember that hot day. and oh, how i more impressedly i will remember the actual marathon. how i had yoke and pq as initial companions, and then ah fu. and how much determination ah fu had when we were running together briefly. oh, but the most memorable part was how i fought, and how at so many part, i simply decided to give up to walk and how much effort i had to garner to run again. what was disappointing for me, was not really that i gave up, but really how easily i gave up. with how little mental rhetoric and persuasion i attempted against giving up, and how quickly i actually did. what was satisfying was i completed it under 5 hours. next time, next time. i shall not give up. next time, next time, i shall run faster, harder and with a whole lot more preparation.
and hence, after one day of recovery, took my first ippt. all thanks to my dear dear buddy desmond, who paced me, did i achieve my gold. who satisfying did i get my 400 dollars. and how quickly, and unconsciously that amount vanished. haha.
signed up for california fitness for a month and for 18 dollars! thought i bought myself a real deal! almost everyday was dedicated to luxurious gymming. got to know andy. interesting guy, no doubt. got to know spinning, and got to see really babelicious instructors like seline, oh seline, and elizabeth. haha! if i am rich enough, and work in the cbd area, will prob get a membership there. so many interesting drama in the locker room too, involving andy, melvin and alex. ah well.
moved back home. so glad to see my parents everyday again. of course, i started missing my room the moment they started nagging again. after so long, i realise that the more i grew away from my parents, the more i am growing to become like them. my "auntie" nature of totally relishing in discounts is so like my mom. and the tendency to enjoy domestic duties like cleaning the room is so like my dad. oh dear. am i going to look in the mirror and see my dad in myself? no disrespect, i simply fear becoming like my parents. i wish to grow and mature into someone independent and capable of a different nature than of my parents. i wish to do them proud in achieving the success they would only wish for me.
christmas eve. how some of the guys will remember christmas eve. here is just a brief discription. had a party at my place with the guys. lots of alcohol. someone got dead drunk. that someone puked on my bed, my floor, my cd collection. that someone had puke smothered all over his face. that someone had to be dragged all the way to the toilet. the rest of us had a hard laugh. that someone had an intimate time with the toilet bowl. that someone had a major hangover. another guy came late, drunk and acted totally cute. had a good laugh at him too. and a third guy drank little got drunk too and slept lots. puked lots too. but at least he had enough clarity in him to puke in a plastic bag. mel helped lots in cleaning up. after everyone fell into slumber, i stayed up and cleaned up till 5 until i myself had to collapse in exhaustion. great party guys. really.
results. i remember that day. was in the library. it was raining. was in the toilet doing some big business when a certain alex called and shrieked how well he did. 4.5. was happy and pretty surprised, as was everyone. who knew that the guy with so little general knowledge and inability to operate a washing machine could actually get onto dean's list. a lesson to be learnt about stereotyping i guess. although as his roommate, i should give him credit for working smart and hard though he did give the impression that he was whiling his time away blogging 5 times a day. was very glad to hear subsequently that many people did extremely well. made a bet with gm and alex, that the guy with the lowest cap would treat. in the end, I treated. i got 4.3. shucks. haha. guess, i learned a lesson about humility. haha! and a good lesson too. congrats to gm and alex for exceeding expectations. also congrats to all those who did so well. i am more determined to work a lot harder and hopefully exceed my own expectations.
new years eve. went on a crazy sales hunt. first, it was to gnc, then to the U2 warehouse sale and then to the books warehouse sale with mel and riesal. we really went mad. the "auntie" in me was simply overjoyed. then the "guilty" conscious kicked in when i recounted how much i spent that day. ah well.
new years eve party. everyone thought there was going to be repeated affair at johnny's. this time, it was mainly red wine. tried to get each other drunk. but alex held his liquor pretty well, and guomin would not be fooled. kim huat's girlfriends cheesecake was simply sedap. and johnny was the ultimate hospitable host. we enjoyed ourselves there too! so many people turned up. played worms with mel, alex and xiangyi. xiangyi was annoyingly good. despite all the collaborations and plottings against him, he still managed to win 5 out of 5 times. grrr... and it was so fun.
through out the holidays, met up with many many friends whom i had not seen for so so long. my jc classmates, my secondary classmates, my ns buddies, and other friends. went blading with janice. was quite a good experience. shall pick up blading soon. got to know a few new friends too. hehe.
school's started. having a five day work week again. harder modules. smarter people. 2 psychology modules! when i am not a psychology major. social and industrial and organizational psychology. 2 political science modules: political enquiry and government and politics of southeast asia. and a science usp module called evolution. wow wow wow. the sem just gets harder and harder. of course more and more challenging.
guomin's birthday today. had the hardest time organizing a surprise party. and it was the biggest party to date. invited both the guys and the girls. was glad at the turnout. had to make so many plans, send so many smses, make so many trips. glad that he was actually surprised. was so afraid that someone would have accidentally told him, or that he actually suspected. he thought he was going to spend a lonely party with 4 people. "so much for popularity." melvin was commenting, we have set the standard for all the birthday parties to come. herm. its going to be so so hard. hehe. had great help from qianyi and wenya. and angela for cooperating so sportingly. was a bit disappointed though, at again, how the guys and girls tended stay apart, both sides seemingly so shy or adamant at talking to one another. thought it would be juvenile if we were to force a guy-girl-guy-girl sitting arrangement. i was hoping that under a social setting, that beyond the usual melvin, alex, jason, guomin and me "liason officers", more of the guys and girls would make some sort of concerted effort to get to know one another. but i guess, "shyness" is the main reason. just hope the get together broke some more of the ice. anyway, they went to ktv while mel, alex, wen, jul and i went for coffee. so i really, fingers-crossed, through ktv, hopefully a more intimate setting, the guys and girls got to know one another better.
so school has begun. many of us are actually looking forward to it. the initial dreams, hopes and plans are laid out. day after day, it will be a challenge. day after day we will all fight and strive for our goals. and i hope that day after day, we shall forge closer bonds. we shall attain a closer step to happiness. we shall fulfil our destinies. sounds grand? cos it will be.
ganbatene, baka inu
the more i think, the more i think, the more i think i need to stop thinking.
the more i feel, the more i feel, the more i wished i had a heart of stone.
the more i see, the more i see, the more i just i hope i can be blind to it all.
the more i live, the more skeptical i become, the less hope i have. oh whats to become of me in god's plans?
and i whine and i whine and i whine.
1 more paper.
*roar*
semi-excited about everything going to end.
the more i feel, the more i feel, the more i wished i had a heart of stone.
the more i see, the more i see, the more i just i hope i can be blind to it all.
the more i live, the more skeptical i become, the less hope i have. oh whats to become of me in god's plans?
and i whine and i whine and i whine.
1 more paper.
*roar*
semi-excited about everything going to end.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz! just a sudden urge to say something.
i blog because i want my friends to know me, understand what is happening in my life. they are essentially meant for people who CARE about me. sure, its the internet and all, freedom of speech whatever (prob the main cause for conflict and hurt in the world), but i never meant my blog to be a forum where people of anonymous identities debate about my every word.
so, seriously, for all you mysterious people out there who have really no idea what is going on in my life and who have nothing good, or comforting or encouraging or sympathetic to say, please, read and leave. dun need to contribute any nasty comments which do not leave any semblance of decent impressions about yourselves on personal blogs like mine or any of my friends.
lets make this world a more peaceful and liveable place.
thank you.
i blog because i want my friends to know me, understand what is happening in my life. they are essentially meant for people who CARE about me. sure, its the internet and all, freedom of speech whatever (prob the main cause for conflict and hurt in the world), but i never meant my blog to be a forum where people of anonymous identities debate about my every word.
so, seriously, for all you mysterious people out there who have really no idea what is going on in my life and who have nothing good, or comforting or encouraging or sympathetic to say, please, read and leave. dun need to contribute any nasty comments which do not leave any semblance of decent impressions about yourselves on personal blogs like mine or any of my friends.
lets make this world a more peaceful and liveable place.
thank you.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
the last day of regatta: both nus boats got into the finals!!! i was so so so so so so happy!!! a 1-2 finish has always been the best dream to be attained. so anyway, 5 boats in the finals. and the result: all 5 boats came in within 0.7 seconds between the first and the last!!! probably the closest photo finish in my history of db at least.
was super exciting. was super drama. was super.
was very sad for the girls team. my heart broke when i saw ms wen thethering in tears. ms wen! dun be sad liao. i rowed my heart out for you and the ladies. really really. i am sorry we din do justice to our namesake.
ms chua. its all natural. trust me. its okay for feel the way you felt. its about hopes, expectations and dreams. when they get dashed for that moment, find bigger dreams. recover, train and go back and row as a rower. that's where your strength lies.
there are so many things to learn, so many things to remember. good or bad, plearsurable or tormenting. i always remember this quote that is permanently pasted on my desktop now: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
the last day of regatta: both nus boats got into the finals!!! i was so so so so so so happy!!! a 1-2 finish has always been the best dream to be attained. so anyway, 5 boats in the finals. and the result: all 5 boats came in within 0.7 seconds between the first and the last!!! probably the closest photo finish in my history of db at least.
was super exciting. was super drama. was super.
was very sad for the girls team. my heart broke when i saw ms wen thethering in tears. ms wen! dun be sad liao. i rowed my heart out for you and the ladies. really really. i am sorry we din do justice to our namesake.
ms chua. its all natural. trust me. its okay for feel the way you felt. its about hopes, expectations and dreams. when they get dashed for that moment, find bigger dreams. recover, train and go back and row as a rower. that's where your strength lies.
there are so many things to learn, so many things to remember. good or bad, plearsurable or tormenting. i always remember this quote that is permanently pasted on my desktop now: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
ganbatene, baka inu
i am sad.
cos like my friends, i have found myself a reason to be sad.
now, i need to find myself a reason to be happy.
cos like my friends, i have found myself a reason to be sad.
now, i need to find myself a reason to be happy.
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
stupid alex has infected my withi his stupid blogging spirit. and so now, i shall have a quick bite at it too.
only halfway through exams. next on on monday. only studying now. haven't gone through "second round" or "third round" yet. damnz. die. sure fail.
today first day of regatta. my first race was regatta, this time last year. quite an experience. this year. no short of drama. drama that goes a long long way back since the first day i stepped in until today. and yes, like zhen qing, it never seems to end... argh!!!
anyway, so we through to the next round of opens. yay. for the ivp, we got knocked twice from the boat next to us. pq got baluku cos their boat dragon heat decided to "kiss" pq's forehead. now got extra "brain matter." haha! now sure get A for his next paper. got blessed. and so we got 4th despite an impressive catch up. but guess that was not enough to get us to the next round. sigh.
was looking for another opportunity to race with worthy opponents. but to get knocked aside by another team's virgin race, was in my opinion, really, the worst luck, the worst fate, the worst disaster that could ever happen. i can only think of one word: sayang. prob even worse than a certain capsize incident last year.
ah well. nice things happened though. like alex got his pictures taken. i am sure he would have posted them all up on his blog by now. and prob pestering me to ask me if he looks photogenic in this picture, and that picture...
oh, and i must say, it was a pretty good set that last one. somethings to learn about. guess, sometimes, we need a little knocking at our sides, to remind us what we had to lose, and what we were there in the first place for. i just hope we are not too late to accomplish that tomorrow.
okay. back to studying. alex asking me about himself liao...
stupid alex has infected my withi his stupid blogging spirit. and so now, i shall have a quick bite at it too.
only halfway through exams. next on on monday. only studying now. haven't gone through "second round" or "third round" yet. damnz. die. sure fail.
today first day of regatta. my first race was regatta, this time last year. quite an experience. this year. no short of drama. drama that goes a long long way back since the first day i stepped in until today. and yes, like zhen qing, it never seems to end... argh!!!
anyway, so we through to the next round of opens. yay. for the ivp, we got knocked twice from the boat next to us. pq got baluku cos their boat dragon heat decided to "kiss" pq's forehead. now got extra "brain matter." haha! now sure get A for his next paper. got blessed. and so we got 4th despite an impressive catch up. but guess that was not enough to get us to the next round. sigh.
was looking for another opportunity to race with worthy opponents. but to get knocked aside by another team's virgin race, was in my opinion, really, the worst luck, the worst fate, the worst disaster that could ever happen. i can only think of one word: sayang. prob even worse than a certain capsize incident last year.
ah well. nice things happened though. like alex got his pictures taken. i am sure he would have posted them all up on his blog by now. and prob pestering me to ask me if he looks photogenic in this picture, and that picture...
oh, and i must say, it was a pretty good set that last one. somethings to learn about. guess, sometimes, we need a little knocking at our sides, to remind us what we had to lose, and what we were there in the first place for. i just hope we are not too late to accomplish that tomorrow.
okay. back to studying. alex asking me about himself liao...
ganbatene, baka inu
sigh. by more popular demands, i am obliged to write out more jia yous for specific people.
and thus being said, i actually have to the precious time off my valuable time to switch on the lap top, wait for it to start up, type in the pass words, then log on the net, type in more pass words and wait for this page to load up. and all these for what? to write more jia yous. no, they cant be private jia yous on smses, but they have to be public one! public i say!
for goodness sakes people! i have a deadline to meet, of which if i dun meet, i would be really dead!!! i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
and you get the picture. and i would still be here complaining about why i should be doing this, when i should have just done it already! haha!!!
so here goes,
JIA YOU LIEW GUO MIN THE SMARTEST (cap 3. something), MOST HANDSOME (i like his hair ONLY), MOST CARING (demands i go back to my room to look for cough syrup), MOST CONCERNED (he makes the best herbal tea), MOST HUMOUROUS (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INSTRUCTIVE (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INCREDIBLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH (after my imaginary friend that is) AND WHO IS GOING TO ACE ALL HIS EXAMS THIS SEMESTER SO THAT HE WILL WIN THAT BET AND MAKE ALEX, THE WONDERFUL PSYCHOLOGIST TREAT ALL OF US! (he's practically gone, and i think alex will do better than him) YES! OF COURSE! IN FACT WHY ON EARTH WOULD LIEW GUO MIN NEED A JIA YOU ANYWAY? well, cos he asked for it, literally.
oh, and not to forget...
JIA YOU MISS CHUA! despite your being sick and all, you still study really really hard, so i hope that you will get the grades you truly deserve. glad to see you better liao!
and if i do ever miss anyone out, please do request a private jia you via sms. thanks!
so here are some more generic good lucks:
good luck to the guys teams. and i mean ALL the guys. that includes you yokes, and keegz, and xiangyi and johnny and dr mel and whoever reads my blog. yes, marcus too, but by this time he would already finished his exams. and to riz and doug, and ted, and ah fu, and winston, and EVERYONE LAH! dun want to think of names anymore.
and also good luck to the girls team! will try to rattle out the names. if i miss any of you out, that means we haven't really talked to each other yet! so find me! muahaha!!! grace, geoks, angeline, bc, joanna, qian yi, theresa, cindy, yirang and all the rest! herm. dun want to think anymore also.
and also good luck to my other less met-up friends, like alvin chow kiat, steven/stephen, meiling, christina, huiqin, atiq, shiqin, hidayah (my wonderful ts ladies) and whoever whoever else!!!
okay okay??? i really need to go and study now! remember! sms me for your personalized "jia you"! but can do it after my exams? 30th nov. thanks!
and thus being said, i actually have to the precious time off my valuable time to switch on the lap top, wait for it to start up, type in the pass words, then log on the net, type in more pass words and wait for this page to load up. and all these for what? to write more jia yous. no, they cant be private jia yous on smses, but they have to be public one! public i say!
for goodness sakes people! i have a deadline to meet, of which if i dun meet, i would be really dead!!! i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
and you get the picture. and i would still be here complaining about why i should be doing this, when i should have just done it already! haha!!!
so here goes,
JIA YOU LIEW GUO MIN THE SMARTEST (cap 3. something), MOST HANDSOME (i like his hair ONLY), MOST CARING (demands i go back to my room to look for cough syrup), MOST CONCERNED (he makes the best herbal tea), MOST HUMOUROUS (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INSTRUCTIVE (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INCREDIBLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH (after my imaginary friend that is) AND WHO IS GOING TO ACE ALL HIS EXAMS THIS SEMESTER SO THAT HE WILL WIN THAT BET AND MAKE ALEX, THE WONDERFUL PSYCHOLOGIST TREAT ALL OF US! (he's practically gone, and i think alex will do better than him) YES! OF COURSE! IN FACT WHY ON EARTH WOULD LIEW GUO MIN NEED A JIA YOU ANYWAY? well, cos he asked for it, literally.
oh, and not to forget...
JIA YOU MISS CHUA! despite your being sick and all, you still study really really hard, so i hope that you will get the grades you truly deserve. glad to see you better liao!
and if i do ever miss anyone out, please do request a private jia you via sms. thanks!
so here are some more generic good lucks:
good luck to the guys teams. and i mean ALL the guys. that includes you yokes, and keegz, and xiangyi and johnny and dr mel and whoever reads my blog. yes, marcus too, but by this time he would already finished his exams. and to riz and doug, and ted, and ah fu, and winston, and EVERYONE LAH! dun want to think of names anymore.
and also good luck to the girls team! will try to rattle out the names. if i miss any of you out, that means we haven't really talked to each other yet! so find me! muahaha!!! grace, geoks, angeline, bc, joanna, qian yi, theresa, cindy, yirang and all the rest! herm. dun want to think anymore also.
and also good luck to my other less met-up friends, like alvin chow kiat, steven/stephen, meiling, christina, huiqin, atiq, shiqin, hidayah (my wonderful ts ladies) and whoever whoever else!!!
okay okay??? i really need to go and study now! remember! sms me for your personalized "jia you"! but can do it after my exams? 30th nov. thanks!
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
this is by popular demand:
PO QIN JIA YOU!!!! YEAH PO QIN!!! WOO HOO!!! YOU DA MAN!!!! SURE SCORE A!!! BEAT ALL OF THEM ARROGANT LAWYERS WHO THINK THEY ARE BIG SHOTS!!! JIA YOU!!! YOU SURE TO BE THE NICEST LAWYER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!
yup yup!
and jia you to my sister too! think she's going to get higher cap than me this sem...
>_< hehe
this is by popular demand:
PO QIN JIA YOU!!!! YEAH PO QIN!!! WOO HOO!!! YOU DA MAN!!!! SURE SCORE A!!! BEAT ALL OF THEM ARROGANT LAWYERS WHO THINK THEY ARE BIG SHOTS!!! JIA YOU!!! YOU SURE TO BE THE NICEST LAWYER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!
yup yup!
and jia you to my sister too! think she's going to get higher cap than me this sem...
>_< hehe
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
i know everyone is like studying their asses off. and so have i. not now. just now. its one am at yih. and i am all alone here, cognitively saturated, listening to my favourite naruto intros and endings. feeling pretty happy actually. haha!
anyway. i know i havent been blogging so here's one intermission entry!
thanks meiling for your conern for the entry soooo long ago. but still, thanks for dropping by and dropping that note. hehe. good luck for your exams! dun flunk any mod this time! hehe.
anyway, so i finished one paper. making of a nation. came out all right. but then the whole day today, the questions kept popping up in my head, and suddenly i would go "DAMN! I ANSWERED WRONGLY!" and that horrible thought would keep appearing in my head, despite valiant attempts to counter them with insistences that i need to study for biodiversity at 5 later. argh!
anyway, the theatre studies practical is finally over! on thurs. had 3 hours of sleep trying to complete the director's portfolio. i was lamenting to my friends that i was spending 3 whole weeks, endless days working with the ladies and sleepless nights thinking about how to make the production better. all this for a 25 percent assessment. and i was going to spend 1 day on a 30 percent making of a nation exam. great. so in the end, the production went well (in my opinion at least). the judges kept picking on the details. i assured that girls that it was simply because they could not find any major flaw. :) denial? haha. well, it works at this point of time.
and so the ladies were pretty pleased too. dr loon came donw to praise them for their acting skills. then when he left, they kept asking me if he tells this to all the groups. he wants a copy of our videotaped performance in dvd! i wonder if i should read this as a sign to anything. hm. and also, the ladies kept gushing over edward choy, this teaching assistant guy. young, small eyed, sharp features, soft spoken, and who kept smiling. the girls, i repeat, were simply drooling in the wings after it all. also wanted to take off my shirt and wipe the drool, and yes, was a wee bit jealous. none of them gushed about me. argh. *crushed*. oh did i mention that they are ALL attached? hm.
anyway, thanks for the memories ladies! i hope to NEVER do it again. being the only guy in a group of estrogen battering environment was driving me to declare myself a misogyst! hehe. but i will always love my mother and sister. i love you two!
and so the exams have started. benny just alerted me to the fact that it would all be over in 9 days. stunned. i thought it would be over in 19 days. sigh. overestimated the time. feeling a little claustrophobic now.
anyway, jia you alex and wenya for abnormal psych! jia you benny for biostats! jia you mel, jialing and thanda for biodiversity! jia you! jia you to everyone else too!
oh. i cant download anything from bittorrent now. my naruto has stopped. and so has my heartbeat. was crying to bitterly. WHY? WHY? WHY? I WANT MY NARUTO! going to read all 360 over volumes of manga when exams are over. *roar*
okay. got to go back. one more round of biodiversity. before i scot back to my soon-to-be-missed room. jia you! *roar*!
i know everyone is like studying their asses off. and so have i. not now. just now. its one am at yih. and i am all alone here, cognitively saturated, listening to my favourite naruto intros and endings. feeling pretty happy actually. haha!
anyway. i know i havent been blogging so here's one intermission entry!
thanks meiling for your conern for the entry soooo long ago. but still, thanks for dropping by and dropping that note. hehe. good luck for your exams! dun flunk any mod this time! hehe.
anyway, so i finished one paper. making of a nation. came out all right. but then the whole day today, the questions kept popping up in my head, and suddenly i would go "DAMN! I ANSWERED WRONGLY!" and that horrible thought would keep appearing in my head, despite valiant attempts to counter them with insistences that i need to study for biodiversity at 5 later. argh!
anyway, the theatre studies practical is finally over! on thurs. had 3 hours of sleep trying to complete the director's portfolio. i was lamenting to my friends that i was spending 3 whole weeks, endless days working with the ladies and sleepless nights thinking about how to make the production better. all this for a 25 percent assessment. and i was going to spend 1 day on a 30 percent making of a nation exam. great. so in the end, the production went well (in my opinion at least). the judges kept picking on the details. i assured that girls that it was simply because they could not find any major flaw. :) denial? haha. well, it works at this point of time.
and so the ladies were pretty pleased too. dr loon came donw to praise them for their acting skills. then when he left, they kept asking me if he tells this to all the groups. he wants a copy of our videotaped performance in dvd! i wonder if i should read this as a sign to anything. hm. and also, the ladies kept gushing over edward choy, this teaching assistant guy. young, small eyed, sharp features, soft spoken, and who kept smiling. the girls, i repeat, were simply drooling in the wings after it all. also wanted to take off my shirt and wipe the drool, and yes, was a wee bit jealous. none of them gushed about me. argh. *crushed*. oh did i mention that they are ALL attached? hm.
anyway, thanks for the memories ladies! i hope to NEVER do it again. being the only guy in a group of estrogen battering environment was driving me to declare myself a misogyst! hehe. but i will always love my mother and sister. i love you two!
and so the exams have started. benny just alerted me to the fact that it would all be over in 9 days. stunned. i thought it would be over in 19 days. sigh. overestimated the time. feeling a little claustrophobic now.
anyway, jia you alex and wenya for abnormal psych! jia you benny for biostats! jia you mel, jialing and thanda for biodiversity! jia you! jia you to everyone else too!
oh. i cant download anything from bittorrent now. my naruto has stopped. and so has my heartbeat. was crying to bitterly. WHY? WHY? WHY? I WANT MY NARUTO! going to read all 360 over volumes of manga when exams are over. *roar*
okay. got to go back. one more round of biodiversity. before i scot back to my soon-to-be-missed room. jia you! *roar*!
ganbatene, baka inu
you know you are stressed, when you wake up half an hour before the alarm rings, with thoughts about the disaterous grade you will get because you will produce mediocre work.
you know you are stressed, when two girls from your theatre studies group start vying for the same role one and a half weeks before the examination, and you are the director.
you know you are stressed, you started working on a 15 percent presentation less than 24 hours before the presentation itself.
you know you are stressd, when you are having a pimple outbreak, one on the right cheeck and one right under the right eye.
you know you are stressed, when you know you should go and have a run, but decide that you should sit at the table all exhausted and hungry.
you know you are stressed, when you see a large pile of notes you have not covered sitting on the side of the table.
you know you are stressed, when you feel that you want to give everything up.
you know you are stressed, when you know there are friends you need to show concern to but don't know how.
you know you are stressed, when all you can think about it stress, rather than the work.
you know you are stressed, when you are here blogging about stress when you should be working on that presentation.
you know stress, when you feel it, see it, hear it, taste it, touch it.
stress.
now where's that serenity prayer?
you know you are stressed, when two girls from your theatre studies group start vying for the same role one and a half weeks before the examination, and you are the director.
you know you are stressed, you started working on a 15 percent presentation less than 24 hours before the presentation itself.
you know you are stressd, when you are having a pimple outbreak, one on the right cheeck and one right under the right eye.
you know you are stressed, when you know you should go and have a run, but decide that you should sit at the table all exhausted and hungry.
you know you are stressed, when you see a large pile of notes you have not covered sitting on the side of the table.
you know you are stressed, when you feel that you want to give everything up.
you know you are stressed, when you know there are friends you need to show concern to but don't know how.
you know you are stressed, when all you can think about it stress, rather than the work.
you know you are stressed, when you are here blogging about stress when you should be working on that presentation.
you know stress, when you feel it, see it, hear it, taste it, touch it.
stress.
now where's that serenity prayer?
ganbatene, baka inu
hey peepz!
its me again. will try to make this really short, because i am at yih at 1030 trying to do my individual presentation due this tues, then my project due this friday, my theatre studies exam next monday and thursday and the project presentation sometime then too.
i have a reason to be stressed. trust me.
thank god for my dad who has been sending me (at quite appropriate times) smses to comfort me. i wonder if he reads my blog... hmm...
anyway, back to me. (yes, its all about me). where was i? oh yes stress. realise that i have doing alot of "extra" work. i.e. tonnes and tonnes of research in preparation for my presentations and all. and i was just sitting down here, staring into blank space for a while, wondering, why the heck am i putting in so much effort? sometimes, i find myself getting that A- with another guy who gets the same grade but only started work the night before it due. and sometimes, it really makes no sense.
then again, i have already accepted that as a fact in life. examiners do not mark you for your efforts, they mark you for what they see. so then why again do i persist in doing so much "extra" work? cos i know that i am not smart. the only thing i have is dilligence. a sort of blind zeal for hard work.
i know, sometimes, i really am stupid, doing all this work. like my TS production. i am just being assessed as director, so why am i doing the script by myself? why am i spending time with individual actors, trying to sharpen their acting skills? why am i reading material out of the prerequisites? cos i know that they will help, one way or another. maybe not directly to my grades, but they will help. every step, every attempt, every effort.
sure, the judges may not see it. but sometimes, it really does not matter to me. cos for me, as long as i know that i have done all my best,done all i can do, i will have no regrets (NB: there are no such things as absolutes in the world. some margin of error is needed). so what if they dun see it, as long i feel i have helped my friends, or made a difference, then my efforts are justified.
i wont have too high expectations on the results. cos the process is just as important. a simple A will do. thanks.
haha
am tyring to balance all these things right now. find it pretty tough, especially with db. so many aspirations, so many expectations, and just as many disappointments. i do not know what to say, simply because i do not know, let alone how to say it. sometimes alittle bit more consideration is needed, sometimes alittle bit more appreciation. and of course, a little bit more sensitivity and a little bit more resolution.
for me, i need a little bit more time. no. make that "a lot."
its me again. will try to make this really short, because i am at yih at 1030 trying to do my individual presentation due this tues, then my project due this friday, my theatre studies exam next monday and thursday and the project presentation sometime then too.
i have a reason to be stressed. trust me.
thank god for my dad who has been sending me (at quite appropriate times) smses to comfort me. i wonder if he reads my blog... hmm...
anyway, back to me. (yes, its all about me). where was i? oh yes stress. realise that i have doing alot of "extra" work. i.e. tonnes and tonnes of research in preparation for my presentations and all. and i was just sitting down here, staring into blank space for a while, wondering, why the heck am i putting in so much effort? sometimes, i find myself getting that A- with another guy who gets the same grade but only started work the night before it due. and sometimes, it really makes no sense.
then again, i have already accepted that as a fact in life. examiners do not mark you for your efforts, they mark you for what they see. so then why again do i persist in doing so much "extra" work? cos i know that i am not smart. the only thing i have is dilligence. a sort of blind zeal for hard work.
i know, sometimes, i really am stupid, doing all this work. like my TS production. i am just being assessed as director, so why am i doing the script by myself? why am i spending time with individual actors, trying to sharpen their acting skills? why am i reading material out of the prerequisites? cos i know that they will help, one way or another. maybe not directly to my grades, but they will help. every step, every attempt, every effort.
sure, the judges may not see it. but sometimes, it really does not matter to me. cos for me, as long as i know that i have done all my best,done all i can do, i will have no regrets (NB: there are no such things as absolutes in the world. some margin of error is needed). so what if they dun see it, as long i feel i have helped my friends, or made a difference, then my efforts are justified.
i wont have too high expectations on the results. cos the process is just as important. a simple A will do. thanks.
haha
am tyring to balance all these things right now. find it pretty tough, especially with db. so many aspirations, so many expectations, and just as many disappointments. i do not know what to say, simply because i do not know, let alone how to say it. sometimes alittle bit more consideration is needed, sometimes alittle bit more appreciation. and of course, a little bit more sensitivity and a little bit more resolution.
for me, i need a little bit more time. no. make that "a lot."