am typing this knowing there is someone else typing away furiously in pursuit of his happiness. hmz.. and yet i am here hoping some happiness will find its way onto my path for pursuit.

kept thinking of what to do, what needs changing. firstly, my sleeping habits. its 215 and i am still awake, drying my hair. and there is training tomorrow. change is the only constant. that phrase kept ringing in my mind. life is harbinger of change as change is the harbinger of life. i made that one up, think it sounds cool, and its ringing in my head as well.

what needs changing? the flat tire in my car of life, that finds itself stranded and inching backwards on an inclined highway. i am so literary these days. maybe cos i have been devoting my last one week on a theatre studies production in which i offered to be the director. i have to lead 5 other girls. i feel so stressed, cos i find myself shouldering many jobs. maybe cos i feel myself most qualified to do so, maybe cos i am director, maybe cos i just want to do really well for this component. maybe i just want an A plus plus. in the midst of so much estrogen, i feel myself turning into a girl. as if i aint girl/niang/feminine/gay enough as i am already. and this on top of all the estrogen assaults i have had so far. argh. i should just turn transvestite/transgendered/gay/whatever and be done with it already.

and so, i have to deal with this, and an individual presentation and a project and its presentation, and 5 examinations and a competition. its pretty selfish, but i hope i dun get in the main boat, cos i havent been training hard enough. but yet, referring to my last entry, sometimes, the choice is not really mine. the situation as it always has and will probably will for a long time to come, dictates it. still, i delude myself...

and so as my hair dries up, i wonder when i will enter the world of dreams. i always harbored the hope that i could seek refuge in them, but most of them always appear unfamiliar faces and threatening situations, and familiar faces and horrifying situations. the bottom line, the world of dreams is simply a more exaggerated reflection of my world of reality. and boy does it suck.

beginning to see the 4.5 on my board evaporating. beginning to feel demotivated as i struggle to feed myself with motivational quotes. keep the faith, keep the hope, keep the dream. and yet i have indoctrinated myself so much, they cease to hold significant meaning. they become drugs that simply sustain a minimal level of desire to breathe. haha! really, as i read this, the literary exaggerations really do seem to have infiltrated my unconscious thoughts. maybe i should major in literature instead.

missed talking to zx, merv, yx, wy. that period of time, when i dialed off numbers off my head and talked to them for hours. now, i hardly see them or hear them. knowing full well, that our paths have diverged. you can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. am i lonely? not with so many team mates and class mates and room mates. but yet, i feel nothing, just a grateful appreciation.

argh, there i go again, speaking without thinking, typing without conscoius effort to filter my unconscious mind. catharsis -- the purging of pity and guilt. that's from theatre studies. and fare thee well, my friends, for change hangs on the horizon.

ever felt that you have absolutely no control over your own life?

your life is dictated by everyone else, your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your boyfriend, your girl friend, your dog, your cat, the society, the government, God. whatever.

you have to deal with them, their expectations, their orders, their emotions, their moods, their demands, their tests, their hopes, their dreams.

your life is no longer about you. its about them. you cannot be selfish, cos God-forbid should you be egotistical, that you abandon them all simply to pursue your own desires. their lives are in your hands, and so are their hearts. how can you be heartless? how can you cruel as to tear them from their beings and cast them into the dust? only for you to step on and step away?

stress? oh definitely. the weight of your world rests upon your shoulders. and your own wish is to unburden them. but heaven forbid that you allow this universe to implode upon itself. how can you relax when all around you, you see only the disappointed faces of those you have sworn to fulfil? how can you sleep when you have demands to fulfill?

do you feel like doing something drastic? like Nora walking out of Ibsen's Doll's House? just leave everything that you have ever known for your entire existence, and at the risk of being ostracised, cut off, neglect by the very entities you wanted to leave? do you feel like taking a leap of faith and jump into another world?

i do. and it aint just exams i am talking about.

hey peepz! want to make a short entry.

skipped training to start on a 2000 word history essay due tomorrow. i ought to be shot a billion times.

my sister passed her driving test on her first attempt without the need to wear a mini skirt. i failed twice. hence begins my walk of shame.

i hereby declare that yirang's and dr mel's rendition of xu ruyun's and xiong tianping's ai qing dian yin, the best anyone in the whole wide world has ever heard. totally heart melting within the first verse. was liquid jelly by the time they were through.

jason celebrated his 23rd birthday with a k-tv outing. we enjoyed ourselves. they sang till 3 am, i slept from 1.

my essay is due in 27 hours. i barely started.

exams starting in 3 weeks. i barely started.

biodiversity project due, presentation due, theatre production due. i barely started.

feel like doing something drastic. but nows not the time. history essay first.

ciao!

hey peepz!

taking a short intermission after handing in 2 assignments today, before i plunge right back in to deal with 2 more due this friday. woohoo!

anyway, thanks for all the comments guys. really appreciate them. though i resent being called pms... makes me seem like a temperamental woman whos uncontrollable moods are dictated by hormonal fluctuations. worse... gentlest flower?!!! i mean, seriously guys, can't you all find better adjectives? maybe like 'macho maniac with manly bouts of frustrations due to sexual deprivations.' its not good, but at least not as bad... ha ha! okay. fine. i am offically now a pms flower. now, what colour should i be? bloody pink?

is stress getting to me? maybe. has been another interesting sem. really, really, really, really hope to get that 4.5. this sem is a lot better, due to favourable conditions, like better time table, spaced out exams, less distractions, staying at old kr... if i dun get good grade, then it will be confirmed. i am just dumb. so, i am praying hard. that i wont conclude that i am THAT dumb.


dun worry guys! all these are once again, transient thoughts incited by fleeting emotions made tired by a drawn out day.

shall be fine, and up and going after a peaceful (really hoping i get some tonight) sleep. god bless for sleep, cos with each arising from bed, is to be reborn with a whole new set of opportunites, a whole different life all over again.

Hey peepz.

There have been so many things going on in my life… and there will be even more things to keep me busy: assignments, projects, EXAMS!!!

Feeling quite rotten now really. Today, a friend told me off how harsh, and mean I was to another friend when I tried to correct his stroke. After a set, I simply pointed out his mistakes one after the other. Shant try to justify my actions. Just disappointed with myself, disappointed with my inaptitude at teaching. I am sure, as anyone would, he felt affronted, unappreciated for the efforts he put in the last 2 months trying to master his stroke. And here this idiot comes and pull the carpet from under his feet, or perhaps, in the context, rob him of his paddle and row for him.

This is not the first time this happened, which is basically my insensitivity and coarseness in relating to people. Its just like I said before, I simply rub people off the wrong way. Certain good friends can attest to that, and these are the good friends. Imagine the acquaintances? the strangers? The group mates? The lecturers? I am burning my bridges before I cross them. But most importantly, I am generating anger and negative impressions. And these are the things I would avoid with all my life. I hate anger, I hate resentment. In other people of course. That which I harbour in myself towards myself, I let myself burn in its flames.

Sometimes I feel I am not qualified to teach strokes. Yet, as a senior, I have a responsibility to correct stroke, or to point out what I feel is incorrect (its not like I have the best of strokes… 1 year of practice pretty much qualifies me as a second-year greenhorn in the world of db). We all have much to learn. In fact, I just wish someone could be my personal trainer and teach me how to row properly. So how? Should I continue to open my big foul mouth with nothing but harsh tones and words with rough edges? Or should close a blind eye to what I simply feel (whether or not it is, is a matter of personal judgment) is wrong? Dilemma.

I wish I took up that module called Dynamics of Interpersonal Effectiveness. Then perhaps, just perhaps, I can hold a decent conversation with anyone without fear of making the other party upset. Yes. I am a wuss. An emotional wuss.


Recently, I have lost so many things. Here is a rough list:
1. My creative Muvo MP3 player/ thumb drive. I left it stuck conveniently at the computer terminal for the next fella to drop it in his or her pocket.
2. My bag of toiletries. The bag is a Manchester United bag given by Valerie all the way from UK.
3. A substitute bag of toiletries. This time, in a lokcok plastic bag. And still lost
4. My favourite underwears and socks. Its like the washing machine has an inbuilt Bermuda triangle.
5. One insole from my shoe when I left it on the ledge to dry. Blown away? Dropped down? whatever it is, its gone.
6. My paddle bag. The most heart-break article. The same one my mother made for me with the jeans material… I can really kill myself for that…
7. My nalgene bottle. Left it in the class room. Bought another one. The next week, when I went back, it was sitting at the same spot. The fact is, i still lost it.
Now, I am losing precious time, and losing my mine.

Relax? Relax? Its days like these, when I recount precious things like those above, that I really just want to run out into the heath like Lear and tear my clothes off in madness.


Here’s a message a good friend sent me: in 2 days, its 1 month to exams.

-_-"..............................


some anonymous people left comments on my blog. I have no way of contacting them, nor track down their own blogs. Feeling a bit taken disadvantage of here. Would like a fair exchange but ah well… just want to say, thanks for sharing your sentiments. They were cheery and great.

Okay. Back to my essays. Foresee a 4 am bedtime later…

Hey peepz! It me again duh.

Just make a quick entry, before I head back to studying for a test I have yet to study for. He he.

Just finished sava sprints. Great experience. Highs, lows, ups, downs, happiness, sadness. At the end of the day, the results do not matter. So no need to say. Learnt so so so many things.

For me personally, I learnt that I should keep calmer, and really try to keep my stress levels down (I have no freakin clue how, but I will try). I am such a worry-nilly girl sometimes.

Anyway, congrats again to all those who won, all those who races, and really, all those who took what they can from this experience.

And I think bedok reservoir is really nice. If I stay at the east, I would run there every single day.

and of course, drama never ever seems to not occur at any db competition. Soooooo much stories. Nivea girls, red bull girls, huge dogs, much cheering, much supporting, much laughter. Exciting races, wonderful. i hope we gelled together.

And also, most notable an incident occurred when a friend said something that angered some people from another team. My friend is so so so depressed. I really wish I could do something for him. I just said 'hugz' to him. Damn gay can? but still, I wonder if that word encapsulated all that I could do for him in all my own powerlessness.

But I know he will get over it. As we are all in support of him. We certainly do not endorse his views, but he's our brother, and whatever wrong he did, we will stand by him.

What made the most impact for me personally, were the interesting responses that followed. some full of angst, some full of grace, some with considerable maturity and some, herm, erm, quite unjustified really. Just thought it ironic, that as one individual thought my friend's words represents our team, when (he probably did not realize) he’s own o.t.t. aggression and hatred may well be a reflection of his own team (which in turn reflects badly on themselves). Of course, as I do not endorse the idea, that our friend's view represent ours, I dun suppose this individual's represent theirs. It would be so unfair. And of course, there is nothing for us to judge. God sees all and He does all the judging that needs to be done.

Just happy to see more forgiving responses than hate mails. It is just a sad reflection of how again, institutional enmity, seems to have unjustifiably taken control of some people's lives over and above the need for more peace and harmony in a world mired in more unnecessary hate and violence than there already is.

In the times of our age, in the resonance of black eye peas famous song and alvin's infamous quips, we really just need more love. and to my friend, we love you. Hope you can rise above it all and come out stronger, like you always have. Hugz.

hey peepz!

it me again!!! decided to just blog about these few hectic days.

lets start with today. today was the first day of sava sprint!!! its was pretty dramatic as usual, like all db races. but i think we managed to reap quite a bit. not in term so medals though. but still, at least for me, more lessons to learn, more things to better, more memories to treasure.

first i must say, i am pretty disappointed for us coming in fourth. the team from philippines clinched the gold, and ntu took 2nd and 3rd. sob. it was all really a close fight. okay, maybe not phillipines. but maybe between 3rd and 4th place. haha. its a matter of honour! a matter of face! its a matter of pride! argh... actually i just want a medal... bleah. lots of hoo haa there. but really, i am not really bothered. well, congrats to ntu for doing quite well. there will be victories and there will be losses. we have all experienced them. its a matter of how and when we get up and better ourselves. we had the fastest qualifying time and i am just disappointed we did not better that. i would not have minded 4th if only we beat ourselves. it feels like penang all over again.

i think our girls tired themselves out a lot, having done like 8 races!!! at least the seniors. but i think they did reasonably well. jia you girls! we will always be behind you. dun worry ms chua. you will do better tomorrow. you know you will.

and the juniors. i cant help feeling envious of them. they went down as a batch and actually brought back a plate medal. well, the mixed team too! a plate medal. guess they really put in a lot a lot of effort! they deserved it too. i hope the juniors have gained innumerable experience as to what db entails. they are lucky, cos sava is structured such that if you dun make it to this category of race, you at least have another shot in another category! in other cases, like regatta, you just get this one chance in the heats. if you dun make it, you can just go home. so yeah. and to have gotten their first medals. i hope they have something to be proud of. but i hope that they understand that this is just one facet of db races. there are more to experience. more highs, more lows. i hope that they understand that they cannot stop being hungry at bettering themselves. they cannot stop being hungry for life.

and i hope that i wont stop either.

then there is tomorrow! 500 metres. a different thing altogether. its a pity that the juniors are not rowing tomorrow. but for the rest of us girls and guys, its another challenge, another chance. it should not be about how poorly or satisfactorily we did. but about how are we going to rise to the occasion tomorrow. and yes, its going to be another battlefield, with paddle fights, and sharp gazes, and agression, and drawing blood, and screams and shouts of agony, anguish, victory and joy. and all this will just another regular day at a db competition.

tomorrow, we shall be more organized, more refreshed, more energized, and perhaps most importantly, more hungry.

hey peepz.

am in a lousy mood. have been the whole day. here's why.

last night, i spilt milk mixed with nestum on my entire key board of my lap top. yes. my baby was befouled. i was so freaking pissed with myself. in the end, i took out each and every key in order to clean it. it took me 4 freaking pissing hours to try to clean it. now, typing this entry feels weird. and the space bar is not working as effeciently as it used. to. i have always take really good care of my lap top and this catastrophe had to happen. really. really. really. i was so. so. so. pissed. and i still am. sometimes, it really just takes that one careless, stupid, thoughtless, mistake to make you live a live time of regret from day to night, days on end, month after month. and thus so until at least the next time i buy a new lap top, which is probably when i am 30 or something. hiaz. even now, my key board smells of milk and nestum. and i an striking every key board extra hard. please. something, just kill me now.

hey peepz! its me again. and this time its 4 am in the morning.

why am i still half awake at this ungodly hour? i was rushing a response paper due later this afternoon at 4. its crazy. i am crazy.

i knew this assignment a long time ago, and planed and scheduled what to do and when. and how the hell did i end up like this? i have no blardy idea. lets just attribute it to lack of discipline and procrastination just for simplicity sake.

anyway, just 4 hours ago, jason, melvin, alex, marcus and i went to the airport to see the girls/ladies off for their 5 day expedition. so exciting. i could almost feel myself flying off. of course, that fleeing excitement ended at the departure glass. ah well.

have a safe trip ladies! see you all back again next week. and i am soooo off to never never land now.

nights!

hey peepz!

its like 930 in the morning. and why the hell am i blogging again? argh!!! maybe cos it was a weird morning with too many thoughts and emotions running through my blood veins.

yesterday's training was quite a drama. shant bore you with details. another day to go down into the annals of history. was quite shack though. paced with our own juniors last night. they were constantly side by side with us during the 500m race set. i keep seeing them in the corner of my eye. guess they are improving real fast. of course, there were other factors to consider, but still, the fact that we did not pull away further than i thought we should have could mean two thing: they were getting good, we were not that good. or both. ah well. i hope its boths. cos i think we all still have a lot more to go, a lot more effort to put in in order to prove ourselves. in any case, i hope the juniors will improve faster. as yet, they look promising.

had quite a rude shock in learning how the world of dragonboating is not as friendly and amiable as i thought it is. learned that one party was suing another party for posing with their boat. learned that people can be more possessive and materialistic about their paddles more than they care about world hunger or world peace. learned that people stereotype you as the enemy as long as you are a competitor. hmm. guess i have been ra-ra-ing in my own small band of brothers too long to realise that the world of dragonboating is not about beautiful people (see latest urban), but really more a battlefield of glory and honour, personal pride and vanity.

when we were in penang, we were cheering on the national team and spc as fellow dragonboaters from singapore. hell, we were cheering for the myanmar and the indonesian national teams cos they were simply out of this world. i thought the sport was about fraternity no matter where people come from. i thought paddlers of the world unite. and we shall celebrate losses and victory. i thought the olympic spirit was substantial and exists among human kind. guess there will be exceptions. guess competition will always be the foremost characteristic of the singaporean system.

in any case. i still have lots more to see. and i will still express my support for our girls team and the ntu guys teams cos they are both going to tianjing to compete in another international race. before this, when i thought we were going, i kept asking the guys, this hypothetical question: if we got into the finals, but ntu din, would they cheer for us? and vice versa, if ntu got in and we did not would we cheer for them? its a tricky question no doubt. sometimes the "enmity" or rather the perceived "enmity" between the two sides can be felt to be as thick as brick walls, although i have no idea why there should be one in the first place. but if we were outside of singapore, representing our country, would we support each other? could we have become friends? could we have bonded as dragonboaters, rather than remain on two sides of a gulf? i dunno. being the aquarian that i am who strongly advocates peace and cooperation, harmony and friendship, i can be deeply perturbed by the state of human nature: "nasty, brutish and short."

ah well. too many thoughts. think mel, alex and i will be going down to changi tomorrow night to send the girls team off on their expedition. for us, changi is as far as we can go to get out of here. haha!!! wish nus girls and ntu guys all the best again. really wish we could have gone. but ah well, at least now i wont have to miss 6 lessons!!! muahaha! shit. deadlines.

hey peepz! i am back for a while!

i know i should be studying and all. so i am kind of a little stressed and worried. acutally am just chilling for a while before i head on for a little nap before going for a little training before i come back really late and try to hit the books before the z monster tries to hit me.

ah well.

deadlines are finally here again. the second half of the semester is going to fly by so faster than a 200metre sava sprint race which we will be taking part next weekend! and so 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 presentation, 1 group project, 1 more mid term test. ooo... and 8 more weeks before the exams launch their stress attacks. ooo... i so feel another semester of hard hitting action. heh heh. this sem i am trying to aim high, so that when i miss, i can land somewhere soft. but not before i work hard. stress stress stress. and last night, to my biggest horror, i discoverd not 1 or 2 or 3 pimples but 5!!! argh!!!! 2 huge ones one both sides of my face (how symmetrical) and 3 small ones which i pinched them out today! i just love seeing those white-yellow bits of ugly mush pop out of their entrenched skin. and i would always think i hear the "pop" sound! argh! makes my skin crawl with a little perverse, fetish excitment. muahahah!!!

anyway, i am supposed to go to tianjing with the team. but in the end, its been cancelled. only the ladies team is going. ah well. the guys are pretty upset and disappointed really. but ah well. you go girls! do us proud! bring something back! in the end, we are all still TeamNUS and we support each other yar! wondering if we should go and send the team off. but it would be at midnight, and i have tonnes of work to do. bleah. i am sure the girls will enjoy themselves! and sure to take lots of pictures! haha.

ah well, and so sava sprint is coming in 2 weeks. this will be our first competition since the PM cup, and will consist of an entirely brand new team configuration, whether its in the 500 or 200 or mixed or whatever. i think its going to set some tone for us for the rest of the year. i have some hopes and expectations. really wondering how it will turn out. nonetheless, i kind of love competitions. really really. haha! and i wonder. cos everytime before any race, i would feel soooo nervous. i remember the ivp finals last year, my hands were quivering just before they said "go!" i wonder i have overcome this jittery tensions in me. i just love the end of it though, the thought that i have put in all my best in a certain set, put in my focus, my attention, my concentration, my heart, mind and soul. and whatever the result, i just want to feel that i have not let myself and my brothers down. but of course, there will be accompanying feelings of defeat or triumph, but for me they are pretty secondary. cos they are just fleeing emotions. all i really want to feel, is just to feel alive.

the juniors are really interesting. in them i see some of us when we first came in. not that i am so experienced. they seem to be bouncing with so much optimism, so much expectations. and i look at my ragged and bedrangled body and expressions, and wonder if i have grown old already. sometimes i wake up from bed in the middle of the night in shock at the re-discovery that i am actually 22 years old. i hope i can re-discover some of that youthful optimism they all have. and i hope they will have a fruitful and eye-opening experience at the sava sprints, whether they are rowing or not, whether they win or not. cos there is really alot more to db than just being in the boat, than just rowing, than just winning. sometimes just simply being there entails alot more about who we are and what life is than what we think it does.

oh. and i want to learn how to dance!!! after watching dance reflections i was so impressed! and especially after seeing our (PQ and i) classmate Liza do her thing on the stage. we were like "woah!" its interesting to see how our impressions about our friends can be enhanced just by seeing how sexy she shakes her ass. haha! sorry liza. but we just want to say "You were damn hot!" makes me want to join dance blast too. the only dance i can do, is nod my head to the beat of trance. and then get a headache. wonder if dance blast have any more free lessons teaching guys with 2 left feat how to dance hip hop. was going to ask a certain someone how to dance. heard he's good at the horizontal salsa. ah well. whatever that means. riiigghhhtt...

beside those above random thoughts. just want to say, i think i am having a better time this sem than the last two sems i have had, for more reasons than one. especially, cos i am staying in the hostel, especially with mel and alex, and in close proximity with people like jason, jiahe, teddy, gm and ms wen. i feel we are having so much fun together. love the alex moments, love the melvin moments, love it when people just drop by and inject more laughter in my life.

and a gentle reminder to all those who read this blog. please, when you see me, please shout my name and say hi! cos really, that would be so cool.

hey peepz!!!

OMG. it feels like ages since i last blog. and so i shall proceed to detail my meaningless, detail-less life that i deem exciting thus far.

basically, i was caught up in an essay due last wednesday. of course, what else could take my time right? girls? haha! riiggghhtt... anyway, so i rushed since saturday, to 2 am in the morning on wednesday to finish my paper and prepare for a presentation. i am just happy to say, that it is alll over. am glad that the prof did acknowledge that i did a 'good' job. whatever that means. it better translate to an A plus plus. rrriiiggghhttt... like the world works that way.

and since then, was busy with a test that would be administered after the mid sem break... yeeeahhh... and i was getting all excited for my first test of the sem... rrriiiggghhhttt... crazy bitch that i am.

and so, i had my fitness test last night. shant say much. lest i conjure images of supremacy and demand that i row the boat alone and win. rrriiiggghhhttt... now, that's a dream that's quite hard to attain. never improved, never value added. think i shall just quit and join the cheer leading squad. not that they are bad or anything. alex keeps telling me how fun it is, and how cute the people are. go! go! go! GM just wants to touch the girls. pervert. mel seems enthusiastic as well. haha! rrriiiggghhhttt... i think i can be one of the girls and get flipped around like pan cakes considering my petite size.

just go back from pacing mel. just glad he din give up. tried the pull ups until he succeed. i kind of need that kind of determination. i kind of need that much pride and force to motivate myself.

and so, did another day of household chores... sweep floor, mop floor, do laundry... fold clothes. and you guys wonder why i am so desperate for time. its cos i have to order the room around. its hard to believe, cos when the guys come over, i always have heaps of mess cos i am too busy (lazy) to clear them up. ah well. at least, i did it now. will plan another da shao chu next week.

the foreigners are flying off soon. i mean my friends who are studying overseas. back to their US/UK life of decadence. will see them again next year.

daryl has a cool hair cut. miss the bugger. need to catch up with him and hear about his pitiful life of chasing skirts that refuse to succumb to his charms. and of course his impossibility of getting grades like A pluses, only to settle unsatisfied with A minuses.

lin hui is flying off soon. will miss the bugger. everyday only want to go out with me cos he's exhausted his list of friends. and then he will always remind of the day when i died as 'section commander' in an outfield exercise and he had to replace me cos he was 2 ic. that ass. am sooo glad he is flying off. might send him off tho. just to laugh at him when he loeaves. haha!

back to the juniors: to all those who have fortuiously found my blog. congrats to you. and like that will make any difference. anyway, the juniors are super fit. many can run. many can do pull ups. many can do rowing machine. some can do 2. some can do all. what a bummer. sorry roystan. if you see this, take this with a pinch of salt, but "roystan must die." oh, that includes people like nazri, eugene, ben, colin, chee wee, and whoever else threatens to take my place. ah well. so glad that the team is getting stronger. i will always remember what jiahe says, draw inspiration from the juniors. think i shall.

okay, back to bitching about my academics: ARGH! i have already been lagging behind in my readings. 6 weeks have passed! and the deadlines are approaching, and the tests are coming, and i am still behind in readings!!! argh! the only thing that has kept me sane so far is my 'serentiy prayer.' i swear to God, it keeps me calm. it keeps me quiet. and gets me thinking more clearly.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. living one day at a time, evjoying one moment at a time. accepting hardship as the pathway to peac. taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will. that i may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. amen.

anyway. ARGH!!!! there is so much work to be done whenever i see my schedule, and thinking about the upcoming trainings. yippeee...

my brother is in korea, my sister is in sheares, my parents are in bangkok. my grandma is all alone in her flat. hmm. when i called my grandma, the first thing she did was to proceed to scold me for living in the hostel. then she proceeded to tell my how my dad works hard for his money. then proceeds to hang me up the moment she found out that i am using my handphone (which means more money in bills). and then i wonder why i am so money-minded. cos my grandfather, who was initially rich, lost all his fortunes in gambling (he was dead by the time i was born). and then my dad and mom will rant about how hard it is to earn. and i know how hard it is to earn, just from 2 nights in conrad. and yet, i am still spending money like the progigal son that i am. dun worry, i know where my money is going. think i better quit the team and be a gigolo at night. heard its good money.

anyway, havent been hearing much from my sister, nor my brother. think they are very busy. been smsing dad though. glad to know everything is okay. hope they buy the coloured slippers i asked for. a wide range of slippers shall my my really lame attempt at sharpening my fashion image: at least the shirt and slippers will be colour coordinated. yippee...

really wish i could exercise everyday. really wish i was more free to do the things i want. but i cant, cos i am bogged down with commitments, commitments to my family, to my studies, to the team, to my friends, to myself, to my desires, expectations, hopes and dreams which i believe will probably never come true. think i am soaking in a warm water, the same way Kyo feels in Fruits Baskets. life has come to a lethargic trudge. not just now. its all year through. its not because its school. in fact i love school. really, i do. and i love the holidays. cos there is so much to do.

and so there is so much to do.

hey peepz!

i wanted to to blog, but did not feel like blogging. so i decided to get it over and done with anyway, cos i know i want to blog and bitch and whine and grip, and you know. ah well.

i am sick AGAIN!!! it was really suddenly. yesterday had a slight sore throat, so drowned myself with lozenges. then today, my nose started to run. thought it was just due to the morning, sinus or sorts. but during biodiversity lecture, the mucus started to flow like a fountain. ah well. kept using the tissue paper to blow my nose. what was quite embarrassing, was that the topic of the day was "conservation biology" and one of the issues we as human beings have to face is the rampant hellenic consumerism that is eating up our world. "Do you know how much tissue paper we use?" it was meant as a rhetorical question, but it felt as if the lecturer saw my using of tissues papers to blow my nose as an example for the evils of the general human population. i.e. i am evil, and am part of a grand pirate bunch to plunder the world. wait. i AM an evil pirate, plundering the world, considering how many trees i have killed so far.

anway, the moment he said that, i grabbed all the tissue paper i threw onto the empty seat beside me and slouched in embarrassment. jialing was giggling away beside me. the last time i was inavertly "pinpointed" was when the lecturer said "how do you know if using the computer can fry your brain?" while i was religiously typing away what he was saying. i feigned surprised, to some giggles of the female audiences who saw my expressions, but i felt really embarrassed by that too. i wonder what jibe would i get the next time around, you know, besides the usual "fashion disaster," "emaciated," mugger toad" calls i usually get. ah well.

yesterday was a disasterous day, cos i dropped my lap top during IPA lecture. i was sitting on one of those chairs with a revolving table. while i was reaching to the side to grab my notes, i just heard a big "boom!" saw everyone turn around to see what happened, and saw my baby lying lifelessly on the floor with the the cover kissing the floor. all i could exclaim was "oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!" i blanked out and rushed to check for injuries. THANK GOD that everything was fine. the screen did not crack, the chasis did not even scratch. i proceeded to check for internatl injuries like memory and the cd player. luckily they escaped unscathe. from then on, i placed my lap top on my lap, making sure it would never fall off again. haha! and then, whenever the computer stalled for a few seconds, i would get paranoid, thinking that is spoilt. but ah well, that's just being me.

an so, here i am typing my life away with 2 deadlines coming up, the guys and the gals are at trining, and my nose is still running, and i am feeling hungry and drowsy. ah well. cest la vie. better go back to sleep. hope to recover by tomorrow morning.

hey peepz!

its me again! second blog in two days. i must be really free! ha ha! its just because i finished my first draft of my submission for tomorrow. shall edit it tomorrow morning.

training was quite shiok. except that poor alex misstepped and fell on the floor with his hands gripping his head in sheer agony. i was just running behind him and was in totally shock as i saw him crash into the ground. but luckily, he was still alive. he probably just sprained his ankle. promised to see the doc tomorrow.

one of the juniors said something really, erm, inspiring today: "if roystan can do it, so can i." i was laughing, but he sure had a whole damn lot of fighting spirit. especially after the second set, i thought he was going to give up, but he fought on. dunno if any of the juniors would get their hands on this blog, since its soo easy to find, but i just want to say: Manchun, you da man!

also, today is the third day since i styled my hair! have been getting all sort of comments, from "erm... what happened?" to "you look good!" to "at least you werent called a tranny." GM, the master in birds-nests styling was very disapproving, but i shall attempt to try again and again, and hopefully to perfect a decent sense of style.

okay. time to get back to readings. i am soooo behind!!! argh!

hey peepz!

it feels like eternity since i last blogged!!! and it feels like eternity to the power of eternity since i last read everyone else's blogs!!! i suddenly felt so out of touch with my friends' lives. i felt to lost. so distant.

several factor have contributed to this pathetic situation. firstly, whenever i am in the room, i log into my computer now instead of the school domain. why? cos when i log into the school's domain and connect to the internet through the vpn, the connection keeps getting interrupted. and the better way was through the computer system. there was another story behind this story. in a nutshell, someone messed with my lap top to help, only to lock me out of my lap cos i dun remember the default password, only to result in me running from one place to another and to be told the password in 5 seconds, and after the kind person tried to crack the code throughout the night. ah well. and what is the whole point after this cock and bull story? all my bookmarks are in the computer domain and not in the computer system. so with no bookmarks whenever i log into the computer system in my room, i never did get onto their blogs to take a look. so basically, i am just lazy.

the second factor is, that i have been pretty caught up in school work. or rather, i have been half caught up in WORRYING about school work, and the other half attempting at some ineffective studying, which in turn infuriates me, and leaves me fuming at myself for the rest of my waking moments. so, no time to read blogs.

the third factor was, that i have been sick for a very, very long time. much time was spent in bed, being drowsy, visitng dr victor loh 4 times, getting a chest x-ray done, and simply just being sick and down and angry and frustrated and yadda yadda yadda. well, i am glad to announce that i have recently recovered. the "official" day of recovery was on sunday, when i went for a run with the guys, only to finish it like super dead last. made me realise how much impact the illness has caused to my cardiovascular system. and how much the rest of the people have improved.

the fourth factor was, that i have been busy doing all sort of unnecessary things! like photocopy coursepacks and notes and books. yes, books. books which are nicely binded but whose pages are still warm and crisp and nicely sitting on the top of my shelf, untouched, unflipped, unviolated. why? cos they have absolutely NOTHING to do with my curriculum. these are books of purely personal interest, and by reading them not only has no positive contribution to my goal of 4.5, but are in fact rather detrimental to my academic health. yes. i am dumb. yes. i am stupid. but oh, i missed photocopying already. and yes. i am sick sick sick in the mind.

the fifth factor was, i have been busy moving into the room, and enriching it with all sort of food, snacks, books, paper, clothes, and whatever you would dream of if only you had totaly independence and that you have your own house, and you want to make it your dream loft. yes. i was busy going out to places like clementi and ikea sourcing for ideas, and actually going about window shopping, with one question in my mind when i look at niceties: do i need this? and then my left hemisphere and my right hemisphere would collaborate and come up with all sorts of reason why i should and why i should not get this nicety. and then my brain would fight with my heart about whether i should think twice about getting this nicety, and then my heart and my hands would fight again as i take out my wallet in a split second to fish out cash to purchase the nicety. and now the nicety is nicely in my room. and if you repeat this above process like about 20 to 30 times a day, you would then realise where all my time was going to.

yes, yes, yes. this is the third week of school, a nice warm, throughly enjoyed wednesday. i have a tutorial tomorrow and another on friday, and a paper submission on friday. wow. and then, i am here blogging my time away. and then i wonder, what the hell am i doing here at all???? and then i would realise that i should try to dissociate myself with blogs altogether and concentrate on my work.

ahh, the intricate complexities and contradictions of life pervades my every being, my every moment, my every day. now i only wonder what else can i do to waste my time away? as a big '4.5' stares right into my face.

i wonder.

hey peepz!

its been such a lont time since i last blogged.

anyway, the first week of school has already came and gone. and i am nicely settled in my new home away from home. the more i think about the room, the more i love it. its far away, from much of the hustle and bustle. it faces a steep slope covered with trees, is near the toilet and is on the same floor as the pantry. the window faces south, so i dun get the morning or evening sun, but it gets sufficiently bright enough for me to wake up and stay awake. really i love the room. only that the laundy room is really far, in another block.

but i know a few friends staying here with me, namely mel, alex, jiahe, jason, teddy, gm, ms wen, and benny. its great living here already.

the week has been really hectic. the first shocking revelation was that my ps lecturers were not providing course packs, which means we had to gather about 50 sepearate readings for the module! and i have 2 module lecturers doing that!!! it was a horrorible, horrible treatment. luckily, i managed to rally 2 other friends to divide the task of compiling our course pack. so i spent 2 whole days in the library from dusk to dawn just hunting the readings down and photocopying them. yoke could not even stand 2 hours. imagine 6. then again, i am a shamelessly and pervertedly self-proclaimed master of photocopying, and the great pirate to copyright laws.

oh. just want to say, that if any of you are going to infringe copyright laws, and am going to do so anyway, please, at least do it with consideration for the environment. please use both sides of the paper, and save the toner by covering exposed areas with the white cardboards that the shops have so kindly provided. it irks me to see people photocpying books the same size as "the little prince" on one side, and when each paper like 50% blocked out by black toner. its cruel to the environment. so please, save the trees.

i still have 2 more modules to zap readings for. argh. the pain. the torture. and in it, a slight pinch of pleasure (please refer to previous entries on the perverse excitement i take out of zapping notes on a massive scale).

and so the week passed by so fast, i find myself falling behind on readings already on the second week of school. today was pretty much wasted running here and there doing errands and amending corrections, and retrieving forgotten items and teaching a neophyte meiling at the art of zapping notes.

shall not complain anymore about me being sick. yes. i am still sick for the 4th week running. if i dun get well by tomorrow, i am going to yih and insister they refer me to a specialist. i was surfing the net about "persistent coughs" and was relieved to hear that its common that they can go on for "a few weeks". but my blanked out when i came across an article about a woman who found out she got "unoperable lung cancer" after what she thought was "sinmply a nagging cough." the cruel, cruel tricks fate plays on my mind. now, i really do not want to think about anything, about what on earth i could have possibly contracted. pq thinks its tb. another thinks its cancer. i think i shall lock myself up in the room. and suddenly, the oh-so-familiar feeling of being isolated and singled out for a disease has come wafting back to me.

that's not the only cause for my worry. the juniors that have come in have become a new source of stress. they are all generally fit, with some fitter than others, and some fitter than me during my peak. all the aspirations to get strong and stronger, and to be a source of motivation for them, have seem to have taken a reverse turn upon myself, and now especially when i am still sick. its frustrating, its agonising. i havent run in 3 weeks. marcus's speed is quite fast, or so i heard. and i wonder if i will faint the next time i attempt at running. of course, i am glad that there are potentially good juniors around, and in the end, i just hope for a strong, bonded, winning, NUS db team, even if i am not in the boat, cos at the end of the day, its really not about winning or losing, or whether or not i get into the boat and such. its really about bonds and us fighting together. so i hope we all can work harder together.

was telling a lot of people, that i miss running around nus at night. just tempted to get out there and just do it. really tempted...

hey peepz! its me again at 10 am on the nation's birthday. so here's a great big 40th happy birthday to my homeland.

i am actually very happy and thankful that i live in singapore. guess, national education did work on me after all. after all, i do support the PAP, NS, and indeed national education inculcation in the young. we all know what the effects of propaganda is on the young. look at germany under the reign of hitler. at least, we can be sure, that the "singapore" brand of propaganda aint leading us to wage war and the such. of course, all this history and heritage teaching aint perfect, and leaves a lot to be desired. but at least, we can safely say, that they are pretty much beneficial, if not innocuous.

anyway, will be going home for dinner since it is a holiday. but will be lugging some of my readings home to be completed for tomorrow "making of a nation" tutorial (hm).

went to see the doctor AGAIN yesterday. its a wonder how come everytime i visit the YIH, i always seem to be seeing Dr Victor Loh. but its good, cos its consistent. and so, off i trooped to my FOURTH visit in 3 weeks. i was thinking while sitting in the waiting room, that if i dun get well by this thurday, it would be my 1 month anniversary of me being sick. hm. or its it 3 weeks? i dunno. either way, its been way too long. and i am sick of being sick. i am even sick of complaining here that i am sick. the worries started to creep in again. got a little teary eyed imagining the possibilities of tuberculosis, or lung cancer and that sort of wild imagination crap.

i can get pretty paranoid, really. but dun worry people, its really just all in my head.

anyway, so the doctor decided to give me something new, besides the usual procodin syrup and lozenges (which i have already completed 2 courses of). its a Flixonase aqueous nasal spray! and some tablets of runny nose. he thinks my nose is the problem now. probably too much dust, cause some allergic reaction and the cough. so i took it back to my room and tried it last night. what i had to do, was to stick it up my nose and press to induce a spray that goes up to the back of my nose. it was pretty uncomfortable and it went to the back of my nose, and trickled down to my throat. so i pretty much tasted it as well. it aint sweet that's for sure. so i had to down a couple of mouthfuls of water to clear the horrid taste. ah well. don't think its working yet, cos i am still coughing right now. but i read the disclaimer: take for a few days first, cos it may take some time to take effect. ah well.

hope it will work this time.

and so cos i had to see the doctor, i opted not to go for my retest. because i really saw no point in me taking. i dun think i am as strong as yoke hian, who managed to pass splendidly despite being sick. i was convinced that i would fail the run anyway, and probably do worse. ah well. at night, i was quite glad to hear from alex that he passed the run, and so did yanming. gm also passed his pull ups, cos he fell short of just 1 the last time round. guess that leaves me as the only guy who failed the run. ah well. ha ha! its okay. i am all right with that fact. no need for consolations. its just that i feel, that no amount of excuses, sickness included can justify my dismal performance. in the atheletic world, you have to be the top of your game when the time comes. when the test comes, you either pass it or you fail it. no one has the luxury or the mood to entertain my whimsy complaints.

was thinking of just doing some "semi-retiring" like just tie myself to my bed to prevent me from going for any training, until i fully recover. i never seem to recover in time for the next training, and end up going for the training anyway, only to make my sickness worse. if my sickness were to prolong for a month more (choy!), and it means i have to not train for a month, and thus not able to take part in the next race, then so be it. races are just races i guess. the next one will come. if i am not fit for this one, then i will train until i am fit for the next. it is not a big deal. what's more important for me, is that i be fit enough to train with the team who i care for.

sigh. well, its just a thought. so dun mince too much on my words. but its a scary thought for me. let me be himbotic for a while. for all those muscles i trained so hard for, they are wasting away as i speak! 3 weeks of not training is super super super detrimental to overal fitness and physique. hiaz. i should just freeze myself in cryogenics.

anyway, so yesterday concluded my first day in school. had two lectures. one history and one on public administration. so far, i dun really have a good impression of the lecturers. the best so far is dr krippa. but she's in IR. this sem is PA sem. sigh. but one good thing, is i made a few friends. more like acquaintances for now. one guy in particular, called gabriel. interesting fellow. you see, there are 4 of us (newly acquainted friends) who decided to come together to compile our coursepack because our lecturer is too lazy to do it for us. so we split the workload and headed off to find the materials. and as i was zapping my part, gabriel coincidentally appeared. looks like i am not the only "enthu" student around. so we were zapping our stuff at adjacent photocopy machines, and we struck up some interesting conversations. you know, small talk. but it was the ease at which we were talking to each other that struck me. you know, sometimes, people can get kinda shy when they first meet, wary of revealing too much about themselves. but we both hit off quite well. actually what qualified that statement for me was the fact that his mom is a supervisor at GNC, and he offered to get me stuff at 35% discount! anytime anywhere! OMG! when i heard it, i thought i hit black gold. imagine! 35% discount for anything at GNC! ah hahahahaha!

okay. sorry. when gm or alex sees this, i can so imagine what they will say: the auntie in me has resurfaced. ha ha! but hey! there was a Popular sale at bras basah that ended last sunday, which i was aware of, and i had to plant myself in my room to prevent me from going! so proud of myself. but when yoke told me that TIMES had a warehouse sale at expo that some night, i felt like jumping of the building. ok ok, thats a tad too exaggerated. but i mean, hey! how could i have NOT known that there was a bookstore warehouse sale??? and NOT go??? looks like i have been deprived of the papers for too long. sigh... sigh... sigh...

okay. anyway, so i hope i could meet new friends in political science, cos i really dun have that many friends in PS. its always good to create a network in your field of study. no, i would say its critical to create a network of friends in your field of study. especially, in NUS, cos we dun get regular classmates due to the modular system. we always change classmates from module to module. so i hope to know more people!

okie. i blogged for a good 40 minutes. and the prodin syrup is making me drowsy again and i havent cleared up my room, or read my readings.. or...zzz

hey peepz!

just had my dinner. decided to stay at home the whole day to nurse my cough. i deligently took my medication, had a long nap in the afternoon, and i am still coughing. it is persisting and not letting up. why?! why?! why?! i feel the anger and frustration of want to get well boiling inside of me. its been about 3 weeks now and i am still sick. i hate it. and the fitness test is tomorrow! argh. its hard enough that i have put myself out of action, its even tougher to take a test that i am not prepared for. and the juniors are joining us next week. feel like breaking something.

stress stress stress.

then there is the stress from the fact that school is starting soon. the stress can be exemplified by what happened yesterday. on the night before, mel sent a link to vai, a mutual friend of ours, indicating that there is a lesson on the second of august. she then sent me a message at 3 am, and which i only read at 9 the next morning, asking me if i was going to class. i went online and confirmed that the website for this module clearly indicated that there is a class on the second of august. i reasoned that since there won't be a class the next week, for it will be national day, and that it is a usp class (i never once doubted that the people from usp can be insanely enthusiastic or just insanely mad), there existed the high probability that there IS a class that morning. so i got my poor dad, who is currently suffering from the enlargement of his prostate, to drive me to school. and when i did reach late at 1030, to my relief, there was no class at all. on hindsight, why didn't i just have called the office to check?! so hindsight is indeed 20/20.

and so you can see, how stressed up with anticipation i have become, bordering on the border of obsession and paranoia.

speaking of sight. my right eye just turned red, and is in pain. i dunno why. probably from excessive contact lens wearing. i feel another infection coming on. this time, another eye infection. ARGH!!!!!!!!! and the pimple under my right eye is NOT making things better.

suddenly i seem to have noticed a lot of bad things are happening nowadays. 2 days ago i realised that i lost my provisional driving license again. the next time i buy it, it will cost me fifty dollars instead of twenty five. i searched my room for a tiny slip of paper, which is nowhere to be found. i pray that it will miraculously appear.

just a few days after i thought i cleaned up my room, it has become messy again, and my mom has been pestering me to clean it up before i move my lazy dirty ass to old kr. hiaz.

then 3 days ago, my dad complained of bladder discomfort. then he saw the doctor only in the evening, and was diagnosed with protate enlargement. i was relieved. because in the morning, he kept sweating, and was clearly in pain. the enlared prostate had pressed itself against his uriniary tract which made it really difficult to pee. and all morning, he was speculating whether it was uriniary tract infection or maybe it was prostate cancer. it was not a clam scenario. i was thrown into a fit of panic and wild imagination myself. i kept fussing over him, telling him to stop doing the laundry, to go and see the doctor immediately. furthermore, he has contracted the same cough that currently ais me. i was very worried for him, but had to go to school. i was really relieved when he told me that it was nothing serious when i got home that night.

and just now, my elder brother got home and brazenly announced that he was going to korea for a 6 months immersion program, at my dad's expsense of course. not to make him sound evil, he has some savings and working at the same time. but what got me alitte agitated was that he approached me and asked me to lend him my lap top. i was already kinda pissed at him for making the sudden decision to go korea and now he wants my lap top? luckily i kept silent with all sorts of thoughts crowding my mind. and so he will be departing at the end of this month for further education.

i feel irritated, because, if he leaves, and me staying at old kent ridge, and if my sister does get her accomodation at new kent ridge approved, then there will be no one in the house except my parents. my parents and a big empty house. suddenly i feel ashamed, because i myself have seem to have long abandoned my parents even before my siblings have. abandoned them to seek my own fulfilment at a university like my brother. what sort of son have i become?! and yet, i am well aware of the need to do well in this leg of my life, because my future depends on it.

and the more that i think that my future depends on it, the more i feel frustrated with myself for the continual indulgence in so-called "luxury" activities. one of them being db, another being "whiling my time away" doing "unproductive" activities. not to mention, wasting and throwing my money away into the wind, by spending them on friends, by buying useless stuff like more stationary, or even buying high end luxury goods like caps. things like my 20 dollar nalgene bottle is a class of its own. or even my oakley glasses, or my new second-hand fcuk shirts. argh. suddenly i am growing aware of the wanton materialism that dominates my life. looking at the condition my life now entails, i should be one of them studious china scholars with non-existent fashion sense, cooped up in the room and preparing for the examinations. my life seems to be a rubbish dump in itself, so filled with unnecessary waste. i can even say that this lap top upon which i type is also a luxury good that motivates my sense of shame.

perhaps i am taking this a little too far, but it aint consoling my already wretched emotionl, mental and physical state.

i guess only one word can describe me now: whateva.

and to think that i want to go on a student exchange, this with the knowledge that my sister wants to go too. and now that my brother is also going. and that my dad is retiring in 4 years, and that my mom is working for peanuts. and that i seem to be failing in everything is all sense of the word, constantly reminded by the failure of my second driving test, i seem to have found myself in another deeper level of bad self-esteem.

suddenly, the right things for me to do right now, i just to quit school altogether and start working. maybe i should support my sister's education, like how my father supported my uncle's. looking at the amount of time, energy and money i have already wasted, i seem to have thrown out all sort of justificaiton and qualification why i should be enjoying this sort of lifestyle in the first place.

okay. just realised that my ranting has just degenerating into a self-battering session, i shall just stop now lest i pound fragile inner state into minced meat to be wraped up in a bun and eaten whole by shame and guilt.

two things must be done: get physically well, and get that 4.5 cap at whatever the costs.

hey peepz again!

its kinda late, so i shall make things fast.

forgot to mention that i went on an overnight fishing trip at bedok jetty with 2 of my NS pals, Lin Hui and Ivan. it was really fun. LH caught a crab which died when we drowned it in water, thinking that it was really giving it life. other than that, we din manage to catch anything. i had my first try at flinging the rod. lucky, the hook din catch anyone's mouth, like the one in something about mary. through the night, we just sat and chatted and ate hot soup and marshmellows, and twisties and drank coffee before we headed home. learned a lot of things about nursing from ivan, who is currently studying nursing at nyp. also learnt about stars. wow. thanks man. on our way back, we all ko-ed on the bus and mrt. but it was an experience i would never forget.

moved into old kr today with melvin and jiahe. met his girlfriend, ruishan. nice gal. alex came later and we all attempted to clean up the really filthy room. in the end, we only managed to finish cleaning half the room. the rest will be left for tomorrow. really excited at staying at old kr. really really!

after that, met up with my jc classmates! it was really fun. and great to see them again. some old faces which i had not seen before turned up! we ate at fin! and then at centre stage. as usual, we laughed at ben's ethics. val was really a great and cheery girl. great to see her back from england. and shah, our long lost malay friend. ha ha!

okay. short and sweet. nightz!

hey peepz!

mel said that its been a long time since i blogged, so here i am blogging again.

maybe cos i have been sick for a very long time, so not much mood to go and blog. hiaz. been sick since the time i failed my driving test. gm said, guess you will be sick for a very long time, implying, that i prob wont pass my driving test anytime in the near future. saw 2 doctors liao. yokes probably right. i aint taking good care of myself...
everytime i get so bored of staying cooped up at home, i go out, thinking that i am already well, only to fall sick again halfway through.

today's training was quite tough for me. i felt really tired and slept before training started. i thought i was okay, but running back from the esplanade was a real torture. i kept pushing, and telling myself i could do it, and that i should not let my team mates down who kept encouraging and pushing my all the way. but towards the last 1 kilometre, i simply gave up and fell back. i saw my teammates carrying on their race against themselves, while i simply decided to let go. noel, my vc was so super encouraging. he wrapped his hands around my waist in order to push me. and i felt really grateful for his words and support. a little embarrassed though, because i am not really so accustomed to having someone pushing me all the way. a little disappointed with myself too, that i decided to give up. and at the end i simply collapsed on the ground, heaving like some dying sheep. very unglam. very unbecoming of me. realised that i was beating myself in my thoughts. not because the others ran faster than me. i aint that competitive. just sad that i actually consciously gave up half way. i hate giving myself up. but that can also be a bane, because sometimes, i fail to weigh my own abilities and push myself too hard, till i crash and burn.

like on thursday's training. After the run and the statics, I simply ko-ed. Halfway while walking up the stairs to the gym, I kinda blacked out. I laid myself outside looking up the ceiling, thinking that I was going to die. I reminded me of my first day at training, when I kind of blacked out too. Sighz. Marcus got alex to stay with me. So alex did his statics while I just lied there. Thought I was quite a funny sight, cos in some distance, a bunch of nussu people were clearing up after the matric fair. I just laid there and watched a guy push about a girl on a wheeled trolley. Hm.

So, anyway, I after today, I thought my fitness was going on a down hill. Its funny, cos I rememebered saying I want to get stronger than the incoming juniors, and one more week before they get their first taste of training, and I am like, down and out. Sigh. Its like the more I want something, the more they moved out beyond my reach. Like my driving licence. Oh no! I am aiming for a 4.5 this sem! Last sem I aimed for 5.0 and I got like what 3.9. and what will happen to me this sem??!! I am growing paranoid. I have set my sights, and am willing to go the distance, so why does fate always seem to put all these sort of obstacles in my way? Maybe it’s a spiritual test. Or maybe its just retribution. Ah well.

Gm keeps saying I should get a make over. You know, thin your hair here, dye your hair there, get some spanking new clothes, and I could “rock” arts. Hmm. Its every guys wish to look cool and funky, regardless of their looks (read mine: ugly), so why not? For me, its just the finances. I simply do not have the money. All my money, goes into fetishes like blindly photocopying notes that I wont read, and buying more books that I wont touch. Hm. Okay. I guess that does put another interesting perspective on my life. Maybe I should pay more attention to my looks. The real world does run on impressions. I just dun understand the need to put BOTH hair wax AND hair spray just to keep my hair standing on its ends for half a day. ah well. There are many mysteries to be solved.

I still remember my resolution to make nerds look cool. Hm. Dun think I am doing such a great job as yet.

The water session was quite torturous for me. The weather was really scorching. My breathing was really shallow. Everytime we completed a set, I was gasping for breath! It was really tiring and exhausting. And we are using the old paddles for training, which means that I have gotten more blisters! I got three already. I tore the skin off to reveal the bare flesh and they hurt real bad. Argh. I really love my grey owl.

Anyway, my time table has been set. Am taking 2 political science mods: introduction to public administration and public administration in Singapore. I will also be doing 2 USP mods: making of a nation and biodiversity and conservation biology. And finally, taking introduction to theatre and drama to fulfill my faculty requirement. Alex kept telling me about the module on the bus home cos he took it last sem. Apparently, I get an edge in the module, cos I am a guy. Hm. Hope I can get an A plus. Mua ha ha! Ah well. The time table is set. The exam dates look a lot nicer this time round. It time to hit the library once again to grab the notes before they get hoarded by a group of kiasu people who conspire to keep the book by simply tossing the book from one to another and back again by reserving the book, one after another. Heh heh.

Yeah yeah. That’s me alright, kiasu, “auntie”, nerdy me.

Life is as exciting as ever, where everyday is an unpredictable adventure. Who knows when the next homework will come, who knows when the next crisis will befall, who know when the next… argh. I worry too much. Maybe that’s why my head feels so heavy and I keep having all these headaches.

Okay. Till next time!