the more i think, the more i think, the more i think i need to stop thinking.

the more i feel, the more i feel, the more i wished i had a heart of stone.

the more i see, the more i see, the more i just i hope i can be blind to it all.

the more i live, the more skeptical i become, the less hope i have. oh whats to become of me in god's plans?

and i whine and i whine and i whine.

1 more paper.

*roar*

semi-excited about everything going to end.

hey peepz! just a sudden urge to say something.

i blog because i want my friends to know me, understand what is happening in my life. they are essentially meant for people who CARE about me. sure, its the internet and all, freedom of speech whatever (prob the main cause for conflict and hurt in the world), but i never meant my blog to be a forum where people of anonymous identities debate about my every word.

so, seriously, for all you mysterious people out there who have really no idea what is going on in my life and who have nothing good, or comforting or encouraging or sympathetic to say, please, read and leave. dun need to contribute any nasty comments which do not leave any semblance of decent impressions about yourselves on personal blogs like mine or any of my friends.

lets make this world a more peaceful and liveable place.

thank you.

hey peepz!

the last day of regatta: both nus boats got into the finals!!! i was so so so so so so happy!!! a 1-2 finish has always been the best dream to be attained. so anyway, 5 boats in the finals. and the result: all 5 boats came in within 0.7 seconds between the first and the last!!! probably the closest photo finish in my history of db at least.

was super exciting. was super drama. was super.

was very sad for the girls team. my heart broke when i saw ms wen thethering in tears. ms wen! dun be sad liao. i rowed my heart out for you and the ladies. really really. i am sorry we din do justice to our namesake.

ms chua. its all natural. trust me. its okay for feel the way you felt. its about hopes, expectations and dreams. when they get dashed for that moment, find bigger dreams. recover, train and go back and row as a rower. that's where your strength lies.

there are so many things to learn, so many things to remember. good or bad, plearsurable or tormenting. i always remember this quote that is permanently pasted on my desktop now: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

i am sad.

cos like my friends, i have found myself a reason to be sad.

now, i need to find myself a reason to be happy.

hey peepz!

stupid alex has infected my withi his stupid blogging spirit. and so now, i shall have a quick bite at it too.

only halfway through exams. next on on monday. only studying now. haven't gone through "second round" or "third round" yet. damnz. die. sure fail.

today first day of regatta. my first race was regatta, this time last year. quite an experience. this year. no short of drama. drama that goes a long long way back since the first day i stepped in until today. and yes, like zhen qing, it never seems to end... argh!!!

anyway, so we through to the next round of opens. yay. for the ivp, we got knocked twice from the boat next to us. pq got baluku cos their boat dragon heat decided to "kiss" pq's forehead. now got extra "brain matter." haha! now sure get A for his next paper. got blessed. and so we got 4th despite an impressive catch up. but guess that was not enough to get us to the next round. sigh.

was looking for another opportunity to race with worthy opponents. but to get knocked aside by another team's virgin race, was in my opinion, really, the worst luck, the worst fate, the worst disaster that could ever happen. i can only think of one word: sayang. prob even worse than a certain capsize incident last year.

ah well. nice things happened though. like alex got his pictures taken. i am sure he would have posted them all up on his blog by now. and prob pestering me to ask me if he looks photogenic in this picture, and that picture...

oh, and i must say, it was a pretty good set that last one. somethings to learn about. guess, sometimes, we need a little knocking at our sides, to remind us what we had to lose, and what we were there in the first place for. i just hope we are not too late to accomplish that tomorrow.

okay. back to studying. alex asking me about himself liao...

sigh. by more popular demands, i am obliged to write out more jia yous for specific people.

and thus being said, i actually have to the precious time off my valuable time to switch on the lap top, wait for it to start up, type in the pass words, then log on the net, type in more pass words and wait for this page to load up. and all these for what? to write more jia yous. no, they cant be private jia yous on smses, but they have to be public one! public i say!

for goodness sakes people! i have a deadline to meet, of which if i dun meet, i would be really dead!!! i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

and you get the picture. and i would still be here complaining about why i should be doing this, when i should have just done it already! haha!!!


so here goes,

JIA YOU LIEW GUO MIN THE SMARTEST (cap 3. something), MOST HANDSOME (i like his hair ONLY), MOST CARING (demands i go back to my room to look for cough syrup), MOST CONCERNED (he makes the best herbal tea), MOST HUMOUROUS (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INSTRUCTIVE (look at blog entry on washing machine), MOST INCREDIBLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH (after my imaginary friend that is) AND WHO IS GOING TO ACE ALL HIS EXAMS THIS SEMESTER SO THAT HE WILL WIN THAT BET AND MAKE ALEX, THE WONDERFUL PSYCHOLOGIST TREAT ALL OF US! (he's practically gone, and i think alex will do better than him) YES! OF COURSE! IN FACT WHY ON EARTH WOULD LIEW GUO MIN NEED A JIA YOU ANYWAY? well, cos he asked for it, literally.

oh, and not to forget...

JIA YOU MISS CHUA! despite your being sick and all, you still study really really hard, so i hope that you will get the grades you truly deserve. glad to see you better liao!

and if i do ever miss anyone out, please do request a private jia you via sms. thanks!

so here are some more generic good lucks:

good luck to the guys teams. and i mean ALL the guys. that includes you yokes, and keegz, and xiangyi and johnny and dr mel and whoever reads my blog. yes, marcus too, but by this time he would already finished his exams. and to riz and doug, and ted, and ah fu, and winston, and EVERYONE LAH! dun want to think of names anymore.

and also good luck to the girls team! will try to rattle out the names. if i miss any of you out, that means we haven't really talked to each other yet! so find me! muahaha!!! grace, geoks, angeline, bc, joanna, qian yi, theresa, cindy, yirang and all the rest! herm. dun want to think anymore also.

and also good luck to my other less met-up friends, like alvin chow kiat, steven/stephen, meiling, christina, huiqin, atiq, shiqin, hidayah (my wonderful ts ladies) and whoever whoever else!!!

okay okay??? i really need to go and study now! remember! sms me for your personalized "jia you"! but can do it after my exams? 30th nov. thanks!

hey peepz!

this is by popular demand:

PO QIN JIA YOU!!!! YEAH PO QIN!!! WOO HOO!!! YOU DA MAN!!!! SURE SCORE A!!! BEAT ALL OF THEM ARROGANT LAWYERS WHO THINK THEY ARE BIG SHOTS!!! JIA YOU!!! YOU SURE TO BE THE NICEST LAWYER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!

yup yup!

and jia you to my sister too! think she's going to get higher cap than me this sem...

>_< hehe

hey peepz!

i know everyone is like studying their asses off. and so have i. not now. just now. its one am at yih. and i am all alone here, cognitively saturated, listening to my favourite naruto intros and endings. feeling pretty happy actually. haha!

anyway. i know i havent been blogging so here's one intermission entry!

thanks meiling for your conern for the entry soooo long ago. but still, thanks for dropping by and dropping that note. hehe. good luck for your exams! dun flunk any mod this time! hehe.

anyway, so i finished one paper. making of a nation. came out all right. but then the whole day today, the questions kept popping up in my head, and suddenly i would go "DAMN! I ANSWERED WRONGLY!" and that horrible thought would keep appearing in my head, despite valiant attempts to counter them with insistences that i need to study for biodiversity at 5 later. argh!

anyway, the theatre studies practical is finally over! on thurs. had 3 hours of sleep trying to complete the director's portfolio. i was lamenting to my friends that i was spending 3 whole weeks, endless days working with the ladies and sleepless nights thinking about how to make the production better. all this for a 25 percent assessment. and i was going to spend 1 day on a 30 percent making of a nation exam. great. so in the end, the production went well (in my opinion at least). the judges kept picking on the details. i assured that girls that it was simply because they could not find any major flaw. :) denial? haha. well, it works at this point of time.

and so the ladies were pretty pleased too. dr loon came donw to praise them for their acting skills. then when he left, they kept asking me if he tells this to all the groups. he wants a copy of our videotaped performance in dvd! i wonder if i should read this as a sign to anything. hm. and also, the ladies kept gushing over edward choy, this teaching assistant guy. young, small eyed, sharp features, soft spoken, and who kept smiling. the girls, i repeat, were simply drooling in the wings after it all. also wanted to take off my shirt and wipe the drool, and yes, was a wee bit jealous. none of them gushed about me. argh. *crushed*. oh did i mention that they are ALL attached? hm.

anyway, thanks for the memories ladies! i hope to NEVER do it again. being the only guy in a group of estrogen battering environment was driving me to declare myself a misogyst! hehe. but i will always love my mother and sister. i love you two!

and so the exams have started. benny just alerted me to the fact that it would all be over in 9 days. stunned. i thought it would be over in 19 days. sigh. overestimated the time. feeling a little claustrophobic now.

anyway, jia you alex and wenya for abnormal psych! jia you benny for biostats! jia you mel, jialing and thanda for biodiversity! jia you! jia you to everyone else too!

oh. i cant download anything from bittorrent now. my naruto has stopped. and so has my heartbeat. was crying to bitterly. WHY? WHY? WHY? I WANT MY NARUTO! going to read all 360 over volumes of manga when exams are over. *roar*

okay. got to go back. one more round of biodiversity. before i scot back to my soon-to-be-missed room. jia you! *roar*!

you know you are stressed, when you wake up half an hour before the alarm rings, with thoughts about the disaterous grade you will get because you will produce mediocre work.

you know you are stressed, when two girls from your theatre studies group start vying for the same role one and a half weeks before the examination, and you are the director.

you know you are stressed, you started working on a 15 percent presentation less than 24 hours before the presentation itself.

you know you are stressd, when you are having a pimple outbreak, one on the right cheeck and one right under the right eye.

you know you are stressed, when you know you should go and have a run, but decide that you should sit at the table all exhausted and hungry.

you know you are stressed, when you see a large pile of notes you have not covered sitting on the side of the table.

you know you are stressed, when you feel that you want to give everything up.

you know you are stressed, when you know there are friends you need to show concern to but don't know how.

you know you are stressed, when all you can think about it stress, rather than the work.

you know you are stressed, when you are here blogging about stress when you should be working on that presentation.

you know stress, when you feel it, see it, hear it, taste it, touch it.

stress.

now where's that serenity prayer?

hey peepz!

its me again. will try to make this really short, because i am at yih at 1030 trying to do my individual presentation due this tues, then my project due this friday, my theatre studies exam next monday and thursday and the project presentation sometime then too.

i have a reason to be stressed. trust me.

thank god for my dad who has been sending me (at quite appropriate times) smses to comfort me. i wonder if he reads my blog... hmm...

anyway, back to me. (yes, its all about me). where was i? oh yes stress. realise that i have doing alot of "extra" work. i.e. tonnes and tonnes of research in preparation for my presentations and all. and i was just sitting down here, staring into blank space for a while, wondering, why the heck am i putting in so much effort? sometimes, i find myself getting that A- with another guy who gets the same grade but only started work the night before it due. and sometimes, it really makes no sense.

then again, i have already accepted that as a fact in life. examiners do not mark you for your efforts, they mark you for what they see. so then why again do i persist in doing so much "extra" work? cos i know that i am not smart. the only thing i have is dilligence. a sort of blind zeal for hard work.

i know, sometimes, i really am stupid, doing all this work. like my TS production. i am just being assessed as director, so why am i doing the script by myself? why am i spending time with individual actors, trying to sharpen their acting skills? why am i reading material out of the prerequisites? cos i know that they will help, one way or another. maybe not directly to my grades, but they will help. every step, every attempt, every effort.

sure, the judges may not see it. but sometimes, it really does not matter to me. cos for me, as long as i know that i have done all my best,done all i can do, i will have no regrets (NB: there are no such things as absolutes in the world. some margin of error is needed). so what if they dun see it, as long i feel i have helped my friends, or made a difference, then my efforts are justified.

i wont have too high expectations on the results. cos the process is just as important. a simple A will do. thanks.

haha

am tyring to balance all these things right now. find it pretty tough, especially with db. so many aspirations, so many expectations, and just as many disappointments. i do not know what to say, simply because i do not know, let alone how to say it. sometimes alittle bit more consideration is needed, sometimes alittle bit more appreciation. and of course, a little bit more sensitivity and a little bit more resolution.

for me, i need a little bit more time. no. make that "a lot."

am typing this knowing there is someone else typing away furiously in pursuit of his happiness. hmz.. and yet i am here hoping some happiness will find its way onto my path for pursuit.

kept thinking of what to do, what needs changing. firstly, my sleeping habits. its 215 and i am still awake, drying my hair. and there is training tomorrow. change is the only constant. that phrase kept ringing in my mind. life is harbinger of change as change is the harbinger of life. i made that one up, think it sounds cool, and its ringing in my head as well.

what needs changing? the flat tire in my car of life, that finds itself stranded and inching backwards on an inclined highway. i am so literary these days. maybe cos i have been devoting my last one week on a theatre studies production in which i offered to be the director. i have to lead 5 other girls. i feel so stressed, cos i find myself shouldering many jobs. maybe cos i feel myself most qualified to do so, maybe cos i am director, maybe cos i just want to do really well for this component. maybe i just want an A plus plus. in the midst of so much estrogen, i feel myself turning into a girl. as if i aint girl/niang/feminine/gay enough as i am already. and this on top of all the estrogen assaults i have had so far. argh. i should just turn transvestite/transgendered/gay/whatever and be done with it already.

and so, i have to deal with this, and an individual presentation and a project and its presentation, and 5 examinations and a competition. its pretty selfish, but i hope i dun get in the main boat, cos i havent been training hard enough. but yet, referring to my last entry, sometimes, the choice is not really mine. the situation as it always has and will probably will for a long time to come, dictates it. still, i delude myself...

and so as my hair dries up, i wonder when i will enter the world of dreams. i always harbored the hope that i could seek refuge in them, but most of them always appear unfamiliar faces and threatening situations, and familiar faces and horrifying situations. the bottom line, the world of dreams is simply a more exaggerated reflection of my world of reality. and boy does it suck.

beginning to see the 4.5 on my board evaporating. beginning to feel demotivated as i struggle to feed myself with motivational quotes. keep the faith, keep the hope, keep the dream. and yet i have indoctrinated myself so much, they cease to hold significant meaning. they become drugs that simply sustain a minimal level of desire to breathe. haha! really, as i read this, the literary exaggerations really do seem to have infiltrated my unconscious thoughts. maybe i should major in literature instead.

missed talking to zx, merv, yx, wy. that period of time, when i dialed off numbers off my head and talked to them for hours. now, i hardly see them or hear them. knowing full well, that our paths have diverged. you can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. am i lonely? not with so many team mates and class mates and room mates. but yet, i feel nothing, just a grateful appreciation.

argh, there i go again, speaking without thinking, typing without conscoius effort to filter my unconscious mind. catharsis -- the purging of pity and guilt. that's from theatre studies. and fare thee well, my friends, for change hangs on the horizon.

ever felt that you have absolutely no control over your own life?

your life is dictated by everyone else, your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your boyfriend, your girl friend, your dog, your cat, the society, the government, God. whatever.

you have to deal with them, their expectations, their orders, their emotions, their moods, their demands, their tests, their hopes, their dreams.

your life is no longer about you. its about them. you cannot be selfish, cos God-forbid should you be egotistical, that you abandon them all simply to pursue your own desires. their lives are in your hands, and so are their hearts. how can you be heartless? how can you cruel as to tear them from their beings and cast them into the dust? only for you to step on and step away?

stress? oh definitely. the weight of your world rests upon your shoulders. and your own wish is to unburden them. but heaven forbid that you allow this universe to implode upon itself. how can you relax when all around you, you see only the disappointed faces of those you have sworn to fulfil? how can you sleep when you have demands to fulfill?

do you feel like doing something drastic? like Nora walking out of Ibsen's Doll's House? just leave everything that you have ever known for your entire existence, and at the risk of being ostracised, cut off, neglect by the very entities you wanted to leave? do you feel like taking a leap of faith and jump into another world?

i do. and it aint just exams i am talking about.

hey peepz! want to make a short entry.

skipped training to start on a 2000 word history essay due tomorrow. i ought to be shot a billion times.

my sister passed her driving test on her first attempt without the need to wear a mini skirt. i failed twice. hence begins my walk of shame.

i hereby declare that yirang's and dr mel's rendition of xu ruyun's and xiong tianping's ai qing dian yin, the best anyone in the whole wide world has ever heard. totally heart melting within the first verse. was liquid jelly by the time they were through.

jason celebrated his 23rd birthday with a k-tv outing. we enjoyed ourselves. they sang till 3 am, i slept from 1.

my essay is due in 27 hours. i barely started.

exams starting in 3 weeks. i barely started.

biodiversity project due, presentation due, theatre production due. i barely started.

feel like doing something drastic. but nows not the time. history essay first.

ciao!

hey peepz!

taking a short intermission after handing in 2 assignments today, before i plunge right back in to deal with 2 more due this friday. woohoo!

anyway, thanks for all the comments guys. really appreciate them. though i resent being called pms... makes me seem like a temperamental woman whos uncontrollable moods are dictated by hormonal fluctuations. worse... gentlest flower?!!! i mean, seriously guys, can't you all find better adjectives? maybe like 'macho maniac with manly bouts of frustrations due to sexual deprivations.' its not good, but at least not as bad... ha ha! okay. fine. i am offically now a pms flower. now, what colour should i be? bloody pink?

is stress getting to me? maybe. has been another interesting sem. really, really, really, really hope to get that 4.5. this sem is a lot better, due to favourable conditions, like better time table, spaced out exams, less distractions, staying at old kr... if i dun get good grade, then it will be confirmed. i am just dumb. so, i am praying hard. that i wont conclude that i am THAT dumb.


dun worry guys! all these are once again, transient thoughts incited by fleeting emotions made tired by a drawn out day.

shall be fine, and up and going after a peaceful (really hoping i get some tonight) sleep. god bless for sleep, cos with each arising from bed, is to be reborn with a whole new set of opportunites, a whole different life all over again.

Hey peepz.

There have been so many things going on in my life… and there will be even more things to keep me busy: assignments, projects, EXAMS!!!

Feeling quite rotten now really. Today, a friend told me off how harsh, and mean I was to another friend when I tried to correct his stroke. After a set, I simply pointed out his mistakes one after the other. Shant try to justify my actions. Just disappointed with myself, disappointed with my inaptitude at teaching. I am sure, as anyone would, he felt affronted, unappreciated for the efforts he put in the last 2 months trying to master his stroke. And here this idiot comes and pull the carpet from under his feet, or perhaps, in the context, rob him of his paddle and row for him.

This is not the first time this happened, which is basically my insensitivity and coarseness in relating to people. Its just like I said before, I simply rub people off the wrong way. Certain good friends can attest to that, and these are the good friends. Imagine the acquaintances? the strangers? The group mates? The lecturers? I am burning my bridges before I cross them. But most importantly, I am generating anger and negative impressions. And these are the things I would avoid with all my life. I hate anger, I hate resentment. In other people of course. That which I harbour in myself towards myself, I let myself burn in its flames.

Sometimes I feel I am not qualified to teach strokes. Yet, as a senior, I have a responsibility to correct stroke, or to point out what I feel is incorrect (its not like I have the best of strokes… 1 year of practice pretty much qualifies me as a second-year greenhorn in the world of db). We all have much to learn. In fact, I just wish someone could be my personal trainer and teach me how to row properly. So how? Should I continue to open my big foul mouth with nothing but harsh tones and words with rough edges? Or should close a blind eye to what I simply feel (whether or not it is, is a matter of personal judgment) is wrong? Dilemma.

I wish I took up that module called Dynamics of Interpersonal Effectiveness. Then perhaps, just perhaps, I can hold a decent conversation with anyone without fear of making the other party upset. Yes. I am a wuss. An emotional wuss.


Recently, I have lost so many things. Here is a rough list:
1. My creative Muvo MP3 player/ thumb drive. I left it stuck conveniently at the computer terminal for the next fella to drop it in his or her pocket.
2. My bag of toiletries. The bag is a Manchester United bag given by Valerie all the way from UK.
3. A substitute bag of toiletries. This time, in a lokcok plastic bag. And still lost
4. My favourite underwears and socks. Its like the washing machine has an inbuilt Bermuda triangle.
5. One insole from my shoe when I left it on the ledge to dry. Blown away? Dropped down? whatever it is, its gone.
6. My paddle bag. The most heart-break article. The same one my mother made for me with the jeans material… I can really kill myself for that…
7. My nalgene bottle. Left it in the class room. Bought another one. The next week, when I went back, it was sitting at the same spot. The fact is, i still lost it.
Now, I am losing precious time, and losing my mine.

Relax? Relax? Its days like these, when I recount precious things like those above, that I really just want to run out into the heath like Lear and tear my clothes off in madness.


Here’s a message a good friend sent me: in 2 days, its 1 month to exams.

-_-"..............................


some anonymous people left comments on my blog. I have no way of contacting them, nor track down their own blogs. Feeling a bit taken disadvantage of here. Would like a fair exchange but ah well… just want to say, thanks for sharing your sentiments. They were cheery and great.

Okay. Back to my essays. Foresee a 4 am bedtime later…

Hey peepz! It me again duh.

Just make a quick entry, before I head back to studying for a test I have yet to study for. He he.

Just finished sava sprints. Great experience. Highs, lows, ups, downs, happiness, sadness. At the end of the day, the results do not matter. So no need to say. Learnt so so so many things.

For me personally, I learnt that I should keep calmer, and really try to keep my stress levels down (I have no freakin clue how, but I will try). I am such a worry-nilly girl sometimes.

Anyway, congrats again to all those who won, all those who races, and really, all those who took what they can from this experience.

And I think bedok reservoir is really nice. If I stay at the east, I would run there every single day.

and of course, drama never ever seems to not occur at any db competition. Soooooo much stories. Nivea girls, red bull girls, huge dogs, much cheering, much supporting, much laughter. Exciting races, wonderful. i hope we gelled together.

And also, most notable an incident occurred when a friend said something that angered some people from another team. My friend is so so so depressed. I really wish I could do something for him. I just said 'hugz' to him. Damn gay can? but still, I wonder if that word encapsulated all that I could do for him in all my own powerlessness.

But I know he will get over it. As we are all in support of him. We certainly do not endorse his views, but he's our brother, and whatever wrong he did, we will stand by him.

What made the most impact for me personally, were the interesting responses that followed. some full of angst, some full of grace, some with considerable maturity and some, herm, erm, quite unjustified really. Just thought it ironic, that as one individual thought my friend's words represents our team, when (he probably did not realize) he’s own o.t.t. aggression and hatred may well be a reflection of his own team (which in turn reflects badly on themselves). Of course, as I do not endorse the idea, that our friend's view represent ours, I dun suppose this individual's represent theirs. It would be so unfair. And of course, there is nothing for us to judge. God sees all and He does all the judging that needs to be done.

Just happy to see more forgiving responses than hate mails. It is just a sad reflection of how again, institutional enmity, seems to have unjustifiably taken control of some people's lives over and above the need for more peace and harmony in a world mired in more unnecessary hate and violence than there already is.

In the times of our age, in the resonance of black eye peas famous song and alvin's infamous quips, we really just need more love. and to my friend, we love you. Hope you can rise above it all and come out stronger, like you always have. Hugz.

hey peepz!

it me again!!! decided to just blog about these few hectic days.

lets start with today. today was the first day of sava sprint!!! its was pretty dramatic as usual, like all db races. but i think we managed to reap quite a bit. not in term so medals though. but still, at least for me, more lessons to learn, more things to better, more memories to treasure.

first i must say, i am pretty disappointed for us coming in fourth. the team from philippines clinched the gold, and ntu took 2nd and 3rd. sob. it was all really a close fight. okay, maybe not phillipines. but maybe between 3rd and 4th place. haha. its a matter of honour! a matter of face! its a matter of pride! argh... actually i just want a medal... bleah. lots of hoo haa there. but really, i am not really bothered. well, congrats to ntu for doing quite well. there will be victories and there will be losses. we have all experienced them. its a matter of how and when we get up and better ourselves. we had the fastest qualifying time and i am just disappointed we did not better that. i would not have minded 4th if only we beat ourselves. it feels like penang all over again.

i think our girls tired themselves out a lot, having done like 8 races!!! at least the seniors. but i think they did reasonably well. jia you girls! we will always be behind you. dun worry ms chua. you will do better tomorrow. you know you will.

and the juniors. i cant help feeling envious of them. they went down as a batch and actually brought back a plate medal. well, the mixed team too! a plate medal. guess they really put in a lot a lot of effort! they deserved it too. i hope the juniors have gained innumerable experience as to what db entails. they are lucky, cos sava is structured such that if you dun make it to this category of race, you at least have another shot in another category! in other cases, like regatta, you just get this one chance in the heats. if you dun make it, you can just go home. so yeah. and to have gotten their first medals. i hope they have something to be proud of. but i hope that they understand that this is just one facet of db races. there are more to experience. more highs, more lows. i hope that they understand that they cannot stop being hungry at bettering themselves. they cannot stop being hungry for life.

and i hope that i wont stop either.

then there is tomorrow! 500 metres. a different thing altogether. its a pity that the juniors are not rowing tomorrow. but for the rest of us girls and guys, its another challenge, another chance. it should not be about how poorly or satisfactorily we did. but about how are we going to rise to the occasion tomorrow. and yes, its going to be another battlefield, with paddle fights, and sharp gazes, and agression, and drawing blood, and screams and shouts of agony, anguish, victory and joy. and all this will just another regular day at a db competition.

tomorrow, we shall be more organized, more refreshed, more energized, and perhaps most importantly, more hungry.

hey peepz.

am in a lousy mood. have been the whole day. here's why.

last night, i spilt milk mixed with nestum on my entire key board of my lap top. yes. my baby was befouled. i was so freaking pissed with myself. in the end, i took out each and every key in order to clean it. it took me 4 freaking pissing hours to try to clean it. now, typing this entry feels weird. and the space bar is not working as effeciently as it used. to. i have always take really good care of my lap top and this catastrophe had to happen. really. really. really. i was so. so. so. pissed. and i still am. sometimes, it really just takes that one careless, stupid, thoughtless, mistake to make you live a live time of regret from day to night, days on end, month after month. and thus so until at least the next time i buy a new lap top, which is probably when i am 30 or something. hiaz. even now, my key board smells of milk and nestum. and i an striking every key board extra hard. please. something, just kill me now.

hey peepz! its me again. and this time its 4 am in the morning.

why am i still half awake at this ungodly hour? i was rushing a response paper due later this afternoon at 4. its crazy. i am crazy.

i knew this assignment a long time ago, and planed and scheduled what to do and when. and how the hell did i end up like this? i have no blardy idea. lets just attribute it to lack of discipline and procrastination just for simplicity sake.

anyway, just 4 hours ago, jason, melvin, alex, marcus and i went to the airport to see the girls/ladies off for their 5 day expedition. so exciting. i could almost feel myself flying off. of course, that fleeing excitement ended at the departure glass. ah well.

have a safe trip ladies! see you all back again next week. and i am soooo off to never never land now.

nights!

hey peepz!

its like 930 in the morning. and why the hell am i blogging again? argh!!! maybe cos it was a weird morning with too many thoughts and emotions running through my blood veins.

yesterday's training was quite a drama. shant bore you with details. another day to go down into the annals of history. was quite shack though. paced with our own juniors last night. they were constantly side by side with us during the 500m race set. i keep seeing them in the corner of my eye. guess they are improving real fast. of course, there were other factors to consider, but still, the fact that we did not pull away further than i thought we should have could mean two thing: they were getting good, we were not that good. or both. ah well. i hope its boths. cos i think we all still have a lot more to go, a lot more effort to put in in order to prove ourselves. in any case, i hope the juniors will improve faster. as yet, they look promising.

had quite a rude shock in learning how the world of dragonboating is not as friendly and amiable as i thought it is. learned that one party was suing another party for posing with their boat. learned that people can be more possessive and materialistic about their paddles more than they care about world hunger or world peace. learned that people stereotype you as the enemy as long as you are a competitor. hmm. guess i have been ra-ra-ing in my own small band of brothers too long to realise that the world of dragonboating is not about beautiful people (see latest urban), but really more a battlefield of glory and honour, personal pride and vanity.

when we were in penang, we were cheering on the national team and spc as fellow dragonboaters from singapore. hell, we were cheering for the myanmar and the indonesian national teams cos they were simply out of this world. i thought the sport was about fraternity no matter where people come from. i thought paddlers of the world unite. and we shall celebrate losses and victory. i thought the olympic spirit was substantial and exists among human kind. guess there will be exceptions. guess competition will always be the foremost characteristic of the singaporean system.

in any case. i still have lots more to see. and i will still express my support for our girls team and the ntu guys teams cos they are both going to tianjing to compete in another international race. before this, when i thought we were going, i kept asking the guys, this hypothetical question: if we got into the finals, but ntu din, would they cheer for us? and vice versa, if ntu got in and we did not would we cheer for them? its a tricky question no doubt. sometimes the "enmity" or rather the perceived "enmity" between the two sides can be felt to be as thick as brick walls, although i have no idea why there should be one in the first place. but if we were outside of singapore, representing our country, would we support each other? could we have become friends? could we have bonded as dragonboaters, rather than remain on two sides of a gulf? i dunno. being the aquarian that i am who strongly advocates peace and cooperation, harmony and friendship, i can be deeply perturbed by the state of human nature: "nasty, brutish and short."

ah well. too many thoughts. think mel, alex and i will be going down to changi tomorrow night to send the girls team off on their expedition. for us, changi is as far as we can go to get out of here. haha!!! wish nus girls and ntu guys all the best again. really wish we could have gone. but ah well, at least now i wont have to miss 6 lessons!!! muahaha! shit. deadlines.