i lost my shoe bag.
i lost my saucony shoes.
i lost my saucony singlet.
i lost myself in a host of worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, guilt, depression.
with no one to help me.

if i am a friend, stop treating me as the enemy.

doing what makes you happy, requires sacrifices.

and most of the time, its worth it.

all i really secretly hope for, all the time, is that whenever i give someone a present, or anything at all, be it a kind act, or a simple note, the first response i would receive was "thank you."

if im going to do something, i might as well be enthusiastic about it.

aggression, desire, fire

communication, support, connection

catch, pull, recover

teammates, friends, family

strength, power, endurance

shout, scream, cry

pat, grasp, hug

stretch out, long pull, twist out

breathe in and hold it there, one inches from the blade, pull hard fast recovery

eight, nine, ten

one, two, three

guys, girls, everyone

men, ladies, everyone

jia you, lai ya, pang zai

front, mid, back

drummer, coxen, coach

you, me, us

win, lose, together

one heart, one stroke, one soul

nus dragonboat, its more than a sport, its a lifestyle.

hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?

hey peepz!

i am back at last. here's monthly summary of my great exciting life!

went to penang over the last weekend for a db competition. a big rush for a short trip cos lots of people are working and cannot extend our stay. it was another roller coaster adventure of tao sha peah, of races, of emotional upheavals, of getting to know more people.

some races were "won" and some races were "lost". we din win any medals, but i hope we managed to achieve some objectives. lots of things need to be ironed out, no, that's to mild word. more like forged in more intense flames of hard work, blood, and sweat. what lies ahead, seems, herm, formidable, yet challenging.

got to know some of the ladies better. at least got their msn! haha! yay, now i am a casanova like gm. got to know eugene sim too. hope the whole team can bond together stronger. think there are a few social problems like cliques, fear of the opposite sexes, and even homophobia, that may be psychological hindrances that are fragmentary elements in the team. i wonder if we identified it, i wonder if we saw it coming. i wonder if they will have any adverse impact.

so after the penanag trip, more misadventures like reuben lost his luggage in the airport, ah fu had his handphone taken out of his luggage and my sister's luggage got stolen by a lady-taxi-driver-bitch-who-i-hope-gets-into-a-crash-and-survive in turkey. but i am not worried for any of them. cos i know they are very strong people. all of them took it so calmly. i think if it happened to me, i would have totally freaked out. keke.

so i got home at 12 plus, packed my bag for ict, slept at 2 plus, and woke up again at 530, so that my dad could fetch me before going to work. ict is Incamp Training aka reservist aka, National Service all over again. im glad i met up with the guys again.

but overall, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. the programmes were packed. the guys were unmotivated and morale was low. as a section commander, i had to become the platoon sergeant, because the PS did not come. that meant a lot, a lot, a lot more work. i laboured till 2 and was prob the last to get into bed on one the night. and dun get me started on the ps job during the mission!

some good things happened though. i cleared my ippt for this work year. i actually got a gold! so happy, despite having had only like 4 hours of sleep the night before. 9 minutes 19 seconds. a personal best! hehe. must thank yao shuohan, and shafiee for being my greatest motivators during the run. hope to train and run faster next time. yao threatened to beat me the next time around. eddy confidently say's next year will also run faster. i beat him by 1 second. haha!

also, my dad called a second time to ask me for my password so he could check my results for me. haha! the result thing was quite a major issue. the team was busy checking during the race. i vehemently refused to check, because i was afraid it may affect me emotionally during the race. it did for some. i hope the guys will work harder next sem. for those who did will, like ahem ahem, teddy, winston, and (even) alex! haha. no lah. kidding. alex worked hard too. harder than the last sem at least. but credit must be given to him for being smart enough to spot the right questions.

so anyway, my dad checked and calmly told me my results. it was not bad really. did not get that 4.8 on the wall, but it was my personal best results thus far. the cold water came when my dad was like, "so many A-. there is a difference between A and A- you know. 5.0 and 4.5... such a big difference with one stroke. next time get more As okay? well done..." okay, i think i quoted him pretty wrongly, and i think i exaggerated a few parts here and there just to increase the dramatic effect for blogging purposes. but you guys get the picture right? haha! no worries. i not affected, i just hope to do EVEN better the next time round.

okay. that's all for now. have to go prepare for training le. missed yesterday's one, cos i thought i needed a good break after a long hectic extended week. heard trainings gone up. hope morale wont be affected by insensitivity. let's all jia you!

hey peepz.

its 6 in the morning. back in the bunk. just sent my sister off at the airport. she should be halfway round the world to turkey by now.

she's there on some volunteering teaching thingee. then she's off to Leeds, UK for her SEP. jetsetting once again, that little adventurous lady.

so im online for awhile, cos i got hungry and am eating something.

a while ago, my grandma was on the phone. she has her own expectations for us, the grandchildren. so far, im pretty much the black sheep. cos im doing political science. in her cruel words holds a speck of truth. a truth i hate hearing. a truth that i am forced to listen to, silently, grudgingly. a bitter medicine to reality. i rely on my parents too much. im not independent enough. why am i doing things that are unnecessary? i should be out there working my ass off to support my aging parents. rather than doing all these useless stuff. what useless stuff, i shant deliberate.

i have wasted time. wasted too much time. just simply spending time, socializing. if my parents knew what i have been doing, going out, movies, dinners, smsing, and the like, they would scold me till the cows come home. yes, perhaps, they do not understand the life of their lazy ass of a son. and yet, too, within their words, i trace that similar kernel of truth. perhaps it not that i am doing it, but i am doing too much of it.

the contradictions of family.

i am always forced to face the excesses of my own life, my own lifestyle. in the pursuit of my own goals, perhaps, just perhaps i have gone a little too far.

a friend told me to stop thinking. and just feel and enjoy the moment.

for some times, it works.

for other times, when i feel nothing for it, and i think nothing of it, would i be nothing to it? and conversely, will it become nothing to me?

ah, nothingness. a buddhist tenet. sometimes, i thought i would be a buddhist monk. renounce the ties of earthly pleasures, and release myself of guilt and pain. and many a times, thought it might actually be worth it. afterall, i just run away from the first sight of danger, of threat. i just run away. and after the run, i will for a brief period forget what happened, and be left with deep breaths, a sweaty body and an adrenaline rush.

ah running. that's what i do. every sun, tues and thurs, at least. i run in the sun, i run in the rain. i run with people, i run alone. i run when i am happy, i run when i am sad. i run when i am healthy, i run when my knee hurts. i run, i run, i run. is life a race? where i just have to keep running? when can i stop? take a break? when i halt this cycle of neverending step after step after step? can i? should i? can i swim instead?

that's what it sometimes is. a bore. a cycle. the same thing again and again and again. the pleasures, the hurting, the highs, the agony. of being there, of being somewhere else. of being chosen, of being left behind. of proving, of more proving. of caring, of neglecting. of remembering, of forgetting. of abandonment, of slavish obedience. of loyalty, of blindness. of doing it for whom, and of doing it for what.

in my groggy mind of tiredness, i carry a burden. a burden of burdens. one i have only heaped upon myself. in my weary body of weaknesses, i dig a grave. a deep grave of burrowed minutes and hours and days and months. in this grave, i shall fall in with the weight upon my back, descending into the mani-folds of forgotten time.

death. it shouldn't be something to be feared with all one's life. it would deter one from living. being alone. it shouldn't be a driving force for life. it would stop one from understand the self. anger. it shouldn't be a lasting emotion. it would only blind oneself to moment one should live fully in.

have i spoken too rhetorically? too metaphorically? only because i am not thinking. just feeling. and here, let my feelings flow and translate into words of cryptic riddles. as i rest silently by myself, on my bed of passing time, calmly waiting for death.

oh. time to dry the clothes again.

i wish i would stop being so afraid, so scared, so fearful, so worried, so obsessed, so disillusional, so hypocritical, so confused, so unsure, so half-hearted, so depressed, so all-over-the-place about everything everytime.

its a nice early rainy morning.

going to do webcasts.

have fallen ill. my throat aint feeling that well.

feeling sucky.

screwed up exams.

haha!

still got 2 more.

ganbatene, bakainu-kun!

i am a depressing, psychopathic, egoistical, egotestical snob who simply refuses to listen, rejects hope and gives none. an escapist on the run from all things real. a jealous little man envious of other's possessions and superiority. an person unappreciative of the wonders God has done for him. a blockhead with little inherited intelligence, and with nothing but a penchant for making others angry and upset. all of you have no.... i... dea...

dun worry guys. its just one of my philosophical reflections about bored o' myself.

how do i know i am really going crazy from all this studying?

when i keep thinking of how hard i am determined to study last semester's subjects after this semester's exams.

hey peepz!

its exam eve! keke.

tomorrow, my exams officially start. and so why am i blogging? i feel saturated. my mind is full of statistics, my stomach is full of instant noodles, my hair is full of moisture. so shall while my time away before i head off to my good o' bed.

frankly, i am super scared this sem. not as prepared as last sem. this sem went oh so wrong, so wrong. too many things happened. too many things happening. so happening right? and who says i dun have a life as a mugger aka living resident of yih?

still, the time has come. the exams aint going to wait for me to be ready. having finished studying or not, having gone through my notes once, twice, a billion times or none at all, having downed cup after cup of coffee mixed with milo/ovaltine, having forced to wake up early to fight with the irritating people who always book their seats at yih overnight, having taken more periods of naps than periods of studying, having written notes after notes, having tried to read and absorb what t-distribution is, having worried about all my other untouched subjects, having stressed over not doing my exercise regime and went to swim instead, having to comfort overly-worried/overly-confident/overly-pyschotic friends, having to sleep less than 8 hours, having... uhoh, its 1045. time to sleep.

anyway, having to do all those above and more, the exams are officially here.

so ready or not, here i come!

ps. to ms chua, dun think too much, and I and He will pray for him. everything will be fine.

to alex, stop blogging/socializing/worrying and study.

to everyone, whom i have run out of time to mention, cos i really have to sleep, GOOD LUCK!!!

oh, and to YOU. keke. good night!

hey peepz!

this is a rare sight. me blogging. its so infrequent that i blog now, that even i dun know where i have disappered too, let alone you all, my faithful readers. haha.

and why am i so free? lets say i am enjoying a half hour intermission. i finished my one out of 2 term papers of the sem. (its so wierd to have so little term papers. i remember doing 11 just 2 sems ago.) and so that marked the end of my assignments for the sem.

shall do a little review of my sem once the exam ends, which starts in 9 days for me. will end on the 3rd of may. hiaz. here we go again.

shall not gripe that much. everyone is so freaking stressed. everyone is mouthing "gone! gone! gone! this sem is gone! people are griping about getting Cs. some are depressed over B pluses. i know someone is gripping over an A- grade for his or her test. wtf right? ah well. the point is, the world's a bitch, get a leash.

i saw this on someone's pencil case: "I am dead. I am like so dead can." i wanted to laugh out loud in the study room. i was imagining myself saying that in the most bimbotic way possible. and i thought that described my own sem just perfectly.

ah well. shan't say how fat i have become. shan't say how much i am lacking in my prescribed exercise regime. shan't say how far behind in starting my revisions. shan't say what sucky grades i have gotten so far. shant' say what sucky grades i am destined to get. shan't say my life is in a mess (cos alex just tidied up the room again, after alex, mel, jul and wenya already tidied up once). shan't say i am lonely or feeling alone, or that i lack friends, or that i lack love, or that my social life is practicallly none existent. shan't say i find that there are so many cute people in the study room who make me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are people out there who are studying harder than i am, and making me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are team mates out there who are working their ass off, and are making me feel inadequate. shan't say my life is terrible, terrible, terrible, because, really, truly, sincerely, there are people who are suffering worse fates than i am.

i will just say, that i am in charge of my own life. and to find myself in this situation at this present point in time, in this present life, in this present circumstances, i will strive to work hard, and encourage myself to do better, and push myself where i can, when i can, how i can, in order to be able to look back with no regrets and say, "i did it."

and until then, i am dead, i am like so dead can?

hey peepz!

i just got back from a field trip from the zoo and the night safari! damn shack! just observed the primates cos my lecturer is a primatologist. but pretty fun!

we had to zip from one point to another though. cos lots to see. lots to learn.

was telling the rest that i want to be able to go there walk through slowly. and take lots of pictures! haha!

after the exams i hope.

that is if i survive the next few weeks. i am telling you. its going to be deadly. and one lazy move means i will be dead.

haha!

survival of the fittest. natural selection. evolution. the wonders of what i learn from this module. i hope i can get an A.

hey peepz.

its time i did a little updating just to let all of you know i am still alive, although barely.

i just had a competition, MR500 at seletar resevoir over the weekend. the team, both the guys and the girls did reasonably well, one gold, two silvers, one bronze, one fourth, one plate first. ah well.

i was part of the bronze, fourth and the plate. think i rowed till i almost died. literally. rowed in 7 races on sunday. i barely had the time to lie on the grass, have my cap over my head, have my mp3 in my ears and just tune out. go down, row, come up, warm down, warm up, go down and row again.

shack? most definitely. but i was glad i had some motivation.

it was a competition with mixed feelings for me. for various various reasons. haha! most of them selfish ones, as usual. (i should take every opportunity to impress upon my readers that i am selfish. haha!) someone said to find a reason why we are all still in the team. i have a reason, but not one that has been strong enough for me. so am i still searching? perhaps. and yet, i may have silently, left the search aside, as i busy myself with academics.

i am not one of much hope for many things. perhaps, least of all, for people. faith, hope, belief. they are still a little beyond my grasp. a little beyond my comprehension. however, that's not to say i do not have any of them.

i am still grateful for a lot of things in life. my family, my friends, and certain especially special people that have crossed my path. i am sorry if i have neglected all of you. i have been rather, preoccupied. hehe.

there are things that have become a little clearer for me. and there are objectives i have decided to undertake to achieve them. and along the way, some things will inevitably be sacrificed, neglected, forgotten. i cannot be greedy. and i cannot give false hopes. i do not seek recognition, i do not seek remembrance, i do not seek others' hopes, dreams and expectations. because i am afraid i would unintentionally fail them all, as i try to fulfill my own dreams.

there are things i was striving for, but now, things have changed. and things will continue to change. the flux is ever fluid, and i must be flexible, lest i bend and break. i must be ready to let everything go at once, only so that i can pick up the necessary pieces.

am i being esoteric? perhaps. but it just means i should just go and bathe and head on to the 24 hour YIH to begin another step at another stab at another futile attempt at 5.0.

be still my heart.

i just concluded. i am a social creature with dominant anti-social tendencies.

wow. the contradictories of life.

i think i can unshamedly, unbashfully, willingly, sincerely, truthfully, unhesistantly, unfeignedly, honestly, frankly and genuinely say that, there is noone, noone, except for that one person in my heart and my parents, more important, significant, essential, crucial, consequential, for whoever i should sacrifice my life, my attention, my time, my passion, my work, my everything in its entire entirety at whatever the cost for, than ME.

when it rains, it pours. that was what happened these few days.

here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.

went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.

went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.

did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.

depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.

and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.

and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.

and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.

its a sunny day, but i am soaked.