hey peepz!

after incessant requests from my ardent die-hard bakainu fan club (more like bo-liao frens who complain they keep seeing the same entry everytime they open this page) to lap up the latest adventures of my exciting, marvelous, stupendous, the-daily-trials-and-tribulations-of-james-bond-look-alike-aka-bakainu, i have decided to post something this beautiful rainy morning.

schools started. im going to the libary now to zap my required readings like now now now!

ciao!

someone stole my clothes!!!

one really nice red, and not to mention EXPENSIVE shirt i wore only once.
two really comfortable nike dry-fit singlets i bought at 30% discount from queensway.
one matching yellow saucony singlet my friend got me. now i only have the yellow shorts.

ARGH!!!

i curse that thief to eternal flames of burning coals and sulfers! i curse that the thief will fail fail fail fail fail ALLLLLLL his/her modules! i curse that the thief will trip and fall and somehow or rather drop his or her pants revealing his or her skimpy leather g-string in front of the whole student population. i curse that the thief strike jackpot of a million clothes, only to realise that it was a mistake on the singapore pools part and then AAALLLL his or her clothes get confiscated. i curse you thief! i curse you! bah!

other than that, world peace everyone. which coincidentally is an ironic statement, with the wars and the typhoons and everything. so everyone please pray for everyone else. oh dun pray for that thief. wait, no, pray that he or she gets her just desserts.

sometimes, when i whine too much, people are unable to differentiate between brainless bantering and piercing pain.

hey peepz!

here's the weekly summary of tan meng chuan's exciting week!

first of all, my parents went genting on sunday, monday and tuesday. so when the cats away, the mice will play! in my case, i went home and took the car for a spin. rather, its for many many spins!!! haha! its been a long time since i drove. and there were a few times that i think i would have almost gotten myself, or my passengers or someone else on the road killed. like literally. i am glad that has not happened, and i pray that it will never happen. in anycase, i got lost like left right and centre. one time, i got onto the ecp instead of the pie. and ended up at changi at 9am in the morning. so i simply went blading! wahaha! so fun! it was by myself. but i was glad. tried blading for the second time in my life. and no one was there to see my land on my bum like 10 times! haha! but got one guy saw me blade off the road and run onto the grass patch in a weird angle. haha! still, i want to blade more!

on wednesday, the people at okr called me at 3 and asked me to move by 4. WAH!!!! horrible!!! anyway, i said okay, cos i was so confident i could move everything shit stuff from my 5th floor room to the first floor! haha! in anycase, when i first entered the room, the room smelt like, woah! i shant reveal what sort of smell. its just, erm, pervasive. so i just kept spraying air freshener. like loads and loads of them, round after round after round, just to get rid of the smell... shant bore you with more details. the important thing is, i posted a plea for help on the msn on the night. 2 kind souls responded, Jingwen and Wenya. in anycase, they stayed too far, so i din want to trouble them by coming all the way down to school. the next morning, i came on msn to help again. this time, jul offered help. and she had the car. so i thought it was convenient enough for her to help. and i really really really really really have to thank her. with her help, we managed to move everything in time!!! yay! so anyway, i told her i will blog about this, so thank you to the power of 10. haha! in any case, i treated her lunch and dinner, should be more enough to cover for her wages! haha!

all right. what else? oh. i went for a course with weiming. very very very informative! everyone should go. an eye opener. oh definitely! in anycase, today, we went bowling! with 2 ladies! muahaha! damn fun! and i broke my record!!! now, my highest score is 147! it aint impressive, but its definitely impressing me! wahaha!

all right. that's about it for now. must make next week more exciting!!!!!!

hey peepz!

just back from my heartsavers course. now i am a certified first aider and cpr performer! keke. i took them because i want to be prepared in case something happened. however, i would wish that i need not have to opportunity to exercise them.

went to watch bay beats last night. it was pretty good! some of the bands were very very good. most of the time the lead singer was barely audible, but the synergy of the guitars and the drum and the singer was superb. also got to know my friend better too. hopefully we will get to have more opportunities to further our friendship. hope to meet up with my other friends as well.

met up with ivan and linhui just the day before. met up at holland village, and ate at thai express. then we hung out at coffee bean. so nice to see that scholar again. he hasnt' changed much. din grow as fat as i would like him to be. at least fat enough for me to poke fun. keke. i am evil.

all right. that's all for my update! enjoy your sundays folks!

hey peepz!

can you believe it? i just woke up. argh.

thats because, i actually went to MOS last night! wahaha!!! my virgin trip there leh!!! very long never club le (twice till last night). and i always wanted to go to MOS go look see look see. i din know i could not bring in water into the club. guess they are very insistent on patrons drinking! "lets get drunk and dance!!!"

the whole place was just as a expected though, lots of smoke, noise, flashing bright lights and more smoke. i swear, i just lost 1 year off my life through second smoke. the place was interested. i was mildly surprised at the retro room! so cute! they even have the dance platform they have on saturday night fever with the coloured boxed stage! haha!

however, the most interesting things happened on the dance floor. the ang mohs are so so so audacious! all the kissing, and touching, the slitering, the necking, the tonguing, and butt to groin gyrations. i was like wwaahhh!!!! noticed a few certain guys were trying very hard to get hitched, dancing from one lady to another. also got a few female couples. there was one in the "cages". it was, ahem, for want of a better word, hawt. keke. makes me wonder where are the male couples??? keke. but no matter, the angmohs and female couples made up for all the heat.

anyway, why was i there? cos ivan had invites entitling one guest free entry. his friend pangseh him (i think) so he jio-ed me. i was at the airport sending dear melvin off to melbourne. so i just hopped down after he sent his ass packing to a different land for an out-of-singapore experience. and so i hopped to mos to accompany ivan. since i kinda owe him a favour. there was a break dancing competition! it was pretty cool. i could not really see the whole thing, but i could see quite a bit. the moves, the groves, the flips and turns. it was like wow. break dancing face offs are so interesting! mr a. is like an avid dancer lah, thats why want to go. even after the competitions while we were dancing on the dance floor, he sure has some moves man! i was desperately trying to learn, and he was exasperately trying to teach. haha! i am so lousy at dancing. i was just bobbing to the music, and bioing other people. but more often i was just staring in amazing at the the angmohs and the female couples. gosh. they really moved it man!

so anyway, ivan danced so much until he was soaked through and through with sweat, and there i was clean and dry bobbing to r&b with the aircon keeping me cool. keke. by the time everything was over, i was in my room and fell asleep promptly at 6. haha!

one interesting thing happened though while i was sleeping. the recruitment agency called me. i signed up with a recruitment agency while accompanying mr tan han hao. he was looking for a job, and i wasnt but i signed up anyway. so this lady christine called me at 945, saying there is a one week temp job for me. the only thing is i had to start work today at 1230. i was like, wtf?!!! its a job at aia at raffles place. i do not have executive wear, and i do not have the energy to work today! as much as i wanted to work a short part time thingee, i prize my sleep more than anything else in the world. so anyway, i had to make a few calls, cos janice said there was another job offering at raffles hotel, but she had no idea what. so i had to call her, then call the raffles hotel, then wait for christine to call back for me to tell her no. haha! it was too rushed for me. i dun like last minutes surprises like that. especially one that compromises on my sleep. i had too much of that in ns le.

its ironic. cos things really do come when you least expect them. when you not looking for something, it comes. when you are desperately looking for something, high and low, you cant find it. and you end up being all disappointed, frustrated and angry. so whats the moral of the story. keep wanting but dun keep expecting too much.

i was talking to my dad on the phone yesterday. he was at sgh for a regular health checkup. i was like "good. you should keep healthy." and my dad was like "yar, if i dun keep healthy, how to give you money?" i was like diaoz. my dad continued, "must keep healthy yes. also must keep financially healthy." i was like double diaoz. cos i just bought my 2.5k bike remember (see last post), after much "noise" from my dad. then i was like "okok. also must keep physically and mentally healthy okay?" and my dad responded, "yar, mentally healthy ah. so next sem 5 As okay?" and i was like triple diaoz... (read one my of previous posts about my revealing of exam results to him). then i quickly and promptly ended our conversation. im glad my dad is still very much in the pink of health! keke. all of a sudden, i remembered one more reason why i am staying in hostel during the holidays and not at home. haha!

all right. time to go. its so late. still need to eat breakfast!

just be happy everyone!

hey peepz!

just got back from another tiring day.

at first i thought i could really bum around after the race is over. how wrong can i get. instead of waking up early to train, i am waking up late to grow fat! yes. fat. its meeting friends, and more friends, and eating and eating and eating. and by the time i get home, i am too tired. and i just want to sleep! keke.

one thing i am really happy about is, i bought my bike! keke. recall i am going to take part in the sprint event of the upcoming nus triathlon. so i need a road racer. i decided to go bike hunting. went to the cannondale distributor. a few people, including sean, the project director for the nus tri directed me to this shop. its a bit hard to get to. its off east coast road along 101 frankel avenue. it was my first time in a very professional bike shop. and the man who attended to me was supremely professional. he was rattling off his credentials. what ironman participant for like what 6 years le. some guy in the singapore triathlon association. some qualified judge or something. amazing. and he was so super helpful. i told him i was like a beginner in serious biking, and he was like let me show you some multimedia presentations. and while his ibook was showing how the cannondale bikes were made, he was also explaining lots of stuff to me. so overwhelmed! keke.

the cheapest bike he offered me was this 2.5k bike. i forgot the model le. its supposed to be of 3.2k value. i thought it was pretty reasonable for its being first hand, life time guarantee, and higher in quality in terms of safety and brand name. will be getting it this friday!!! so happy. can finally get some speed going! keke.

after that, met up with janice for dinner. we were going all around the place. from bugis to great world city. we wanted to go to the zara sale, cos she claimed got 70% discount. on our way, the op sale at bugis waylaid us. and i bought a polo tee for 10 dollars!!! i felt so happy. yes. i love bargains. and i think its a nice red polo.

and so off we went to great world city. had to walk a distance and then take bus. and walked some more again. she was my fashion consultant for the day. i change shirt after shirt and she was my assessor. yes, you look good. nope, not nice... whahaha! im just such a fashion disaster. i cant even discern whether i look good in this shirt or that. in anycase, there was NO 70% discount. only 30. and most of the discount applied to female clothings. what a let down. and we walked some more, deciding whether or not to buy this zara shirt with the words "touch me" on it. the words were strategically made up of a furry material and placed on the chest. i was being obscene when i wore the shirt and kept rubbing the words off my chest! keke. so funny. in any case, while we were walking, we ended up at espirit. and i ended up getting persuaded to buy this striped shirt. argh. the worse bit was, its 40 dollars and there was NO discounts!!! *slap slap* where am i going to hide my "auntie" reputation?

haha! anyway, i had fun, cos never met up with her for so long le. hope to meet up with all my other friends as well. Tan Meiling! if you are reading this, sms to tell me you are still alive. we go blading one day okay? keke.

the day after tomorrow meeting that fat, smart dsta scholar lin hui, and nurse ivan. seen ivan le. just havent seen how much fater that lin hui has become. must make fun of him. haha!

hey peepz!

i just want to say, this bright, cool and rainy morning, that i have a freaking pimple on my left ass cheek!!!!!!! i think its a pimple at least. it has been there since way long before the july race. it looks like a pimple, it feels like a pimple. it should be a pimple right??? i told my friend, and it could be some cyst or pus or whatever!!! i was like argh!!! my smooth, beautiful, bubble butt is experiencing some kind of integumentary (some fancy, scientific name for "skin") trauma!!! i know my ass will NOT forgive me for this. right now, i am constantly sitting on my right butt, cos its actually painful to be sitting on my left. i have been applying pimple treatment, but its not going away! in fact, i think, after constant feeling of my ass, hoping it will miraculous vanish, it has grown bigger!!! i tried squeezing, but its difficult when i have one hand holding a mirror just so as to be able to see my ass, and the other hand barely reaching the blasted spot. argh argh argh. my ass hurts. like really.

anyway, i had a wonderful time yesterday. i actually went for 2 ktv sessions!!! with different groups. keke. had so much fun. finally singing the songs i have been obsessively playing over and over again. esp. stefanie sun. keke. i know i will never be able to sound like yirang, but ah well. i love sun yan zi anyway. jay chou's vocal range has always been out of my league no matter what key i play his songs in. they are just so so high!!! i need plastic surgery on my voice box to stretch my range. i am after all a bass. except when i shriek everytime i realise my pimple is still there after every morning.

also, i now know where "Golden Dragon" is. its damn funny how the whole thing conspired with joanna and cherylene, and also with janice. haha. i call it "the hunt for the golden dragon". what is this "golden dragon"? its actually an arts and crafts shop in a shopping mall in chinatown! joanna was on this crusade to find craft works and a kind shop attendent at kalms, taka, suggested the "golden dragon". that led us to run through the rain for a bus, a walk to the people's park, a discovery of the largest souce of textiles i have ever see, and a discovery of the largest source of threads, beads, knitting equipment and lots and lots of arts and crafts related items. i shall bring my mom there after she retires, when she has lots of time on her hands. i think she will think she is in heaven. she will do cross stitch after cross stitch, beading after beading, knitting after knitting!!! its practically the paradise for retired aunties and stay at home moms with a penchant for all things arts and crafts. haha! also, almost everyone we asked for directions seem to know where this "golden dragon" is. is it that famous? i dunno. but its a fascinating place all the same.

all right, today, i will be off to try to find a road bike. anyone has a road racer to sell? i dun mind second hand! also, anyone an expert? i need help and advise!!!

till the next time you see me, i hope you wont find my ass assymmetrical after sitting on my right ass for so long!

hey peepz.

its so long since i blogged! argh. keke.

since the july race has found closure, i have been keeping myself so so busy, with appointments, dates, courses, and the long awaited slacking and nuaing and sleeping and you know, normal stuff i do everyday. just even more.

today, went for a standard first aid course i signed up with PECTAC. its a private teaching centre somewhere along beach road. i had to wake up damn early la. had to reach there at 8!!! i thought i might be in for a long, long, long day. i signed up because i am interested in picking up some life skills. and really, i think first aid is an essential life skill, simply because it deals with lives. i am not going to wait for the day when something happens to my dear loved ones and i simply watch them bleed or lay unconscious, or worse, have their lives slip away in front of my eyes.

in anycase, the instructor was great! he is an experienced paramedic and a super entertaining and interesting teacher! he made the class so enjoyable. i thoroughly enjoyed it. and through his anecdotes, i learned alot more about medical conditions like hyper and hypo thermia. and alot of gruesome ways to die. haha! in anycase, i strongly recommend this class. i also got to know a few child care teachers. they have to acquire this certificate as part of their requirements. so interesting to hear these two mothers, jaslyn and evelyn talk about their daughters over lunch. so so interesting. the people we meet.

right now, i have too many many thoughts running through my head. im have not been feeling well. once again, my mouth just never seem to say anything good. made things go wrong, hurt one, angered others. well-meaning intentions were shot down. ideas that run about cannot be articulated. feelings cannot be expressed. this entry is just a vague description of a lot of things i cannot describe.

frankly, life is in shambles. and what am i doing doing what i am doing?

came back and just collapsed and laid on the floor. my body was just not feeling well. was tired and slept. felt the bugs biting me. got up and got into another argument over the phone. tried to talk to another whom i felt was avoiding me. i had experiences when i thought i lost a friend. now i feel i am losing many.

how ironic. was just telling another that everytime i see the first star, i would almost always make a wish, hoping my friends would be happy and healthy. and each time, i would choose a different friend. just find a way to be happy. i just want them to be happy. that's all i wished. its ironic, cos i myself, havent found what it takes for me to be happy. sometimes, i think, i sacrificed so much for others, that in the midst, i sacrificed myself.

to have people whom i cared so so so much for, yet sometimes i feel so lonely.

i want durian, yet, i dunno if it has become a forbidden fruit.

there is so so so much repression and suppression, of anger, disappointments, and depression inside of me. sometimes, i feel that i have had enough.

sometimes i really wished i was not allergic to alcohol. cos i want to get lost in drunken stupor.

hey peepz!

just had a db race over the weekend. and boy was it another rollercoaster ride.

thanks guys for all the support you have given us!!!! especially to shiying, janice, lin hui and jave. thanks for you encouragements!

it has been a very very very much anticipated event. we have been training our asses off. and for some of us, sacrificed literally everything for this one race.

in anycase, we won the mixed and ivp golds and also a bronze!!! very happy. especially for the mixed crew. it was our first mixed gold in like 2 years!!! it was a brilliant race for them! their charge was splendid!!! eugene was in tears and so was raine. keke. so happy for them, went to hug most of them!

the pm cup. haha. ah well, the pm cup challenge trophy. sad to say for us, we got silver. ntu won. truth be told. it was a heart breaking experience. i din know what happened. in any case, when i got on shore, and hugged tat, whom i told him we would bring the cup back, i simply cried. then sean told me to suck it up. and i did. but when we gathered and i hugged dr mel, who had been a source of inspiration for me, i cried again. i stopped and i walked back and hugged reuben and i cried. and yar. with every guy i hugged, i cried, sucked it up, and cried again. im just a cry baby. haha! but it takes alot for me to cry...

the worst thing was, my parents just turned up in front of my when i had tears in my eyes!!! argh. i just waved to them and walked away. but my mom very sweet. messaged me to not be sad and asked when i going home so she can brew black chicken soup for me. keke.

im all right now. the crying simply lasted half an hour. i always allow myself time to wallow in depression and self-pity. before i pick myself up again. keke.

i was sad for many reasons. firstly, cos i felt i disappointed many on shore, many of whom i care deeply for. melvin, especially, who made me cry even before i went down to the boat. idiot. second, i told myself, there was one person i really wanted to beat, which was myself, and somehow, i wished i walloped myself even harder.

in any case, i believe we had all done our best as a team. and whichever team won was the best team of that race. im glad the race went well. no collision of boats, no false starts. the day was good, the wind was blowing, the sky was cloudy. i thought i was a beautiful day to race. and i enjoyed the row very much. i enjoyed putting my heart and soul, my mental and my body in to rowing. i enjoyed called out names, encouraging one another. i relished in trying to defeat myself.

there was one small flaw though. certain individuals from a certain boat were deliberately and indirectly taunting some other teams before the start of the race. generally, we prefer to keep quiet and focus our energies in our own boats. personally, i thought the taunting was uncalled for and displayed a certain lack of professionalism. if it was part of the team's strategy, i feel disappointed. i think i'd prefer to believe it was just some black sheeps that do not represent their team. in any case, my felt my respect for that team dropped quite a bit.

other than that, it was a good and fair race. my friend from sim was complaining that their team had to eat nus and ntu boats' back washes they were unfortunately placed in between the two boats. in any case, i wholeheartedly congratulate ntu for winning the prime ministers trophy. wanted to shake hands with all three teams, but we din get the opportunity to. haha! we were too busy dealing and reeling in our disappointments. in any case, no one came and shake hands with us either. argh. we should all have shown a little more sportsmanship dont you think?

in anycase, the "season" has come to a close. the new season will officially start real soon though! keke. and hopefully, for the next year, we will continue to mature as a team, in blood and sweet, in victories and in defeats. we train together, we stay together, as a team. even if some guys are leaving the team for whatever reason, they have and will forever remain part of the team. just as i am a rafflesian, and even as i graduated, i feel proud that i came from raffles. same with the nus dragonboat team. we are all part of a bigger whole, called family.

i lost my shoe bag.
i lost my saucony shoes.
i lost my saucony singlet.
i lost myself in a host of worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, guilt, depression.
with no one to help me.

if i am a friend, stop treating me as the enemy.

doing what makes you happy, requires sacrifices.

and most of the time, its worth it.

all i really secretly hope for, all the time, is that whenever i give someone a present, or anything at all, be it a kind act, or a simple note, the first response i would receive was "thank you."

if im going to do something, i might as well be enthusiastic about it.

aggression, desire, fire

communication, support, connection

catch, pull, recover

teammates, friends, family

strength, power, endurance

shout, scream, cry

pat, grasp, hug

stretch out, long pull, twist out

breathe in and hold it there, one inches from the blade, pull hard fast recovery

eight, nine, ten

one, two, three

guys, girls, everyone

men, ladies, everyone

jia you, lai ya, pang zai

front, mid, back

drummer, coxen, coach

you, me, us

win, lose, together

one heart, one stroke, one soul

nus dragonboat, its more than a sport, its a lifestyle.

hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?

hey peepz!

i am back at last. here's monthly summary of my great exciting life!

went to penang over the last weekend for a db competition. a big rush for a short trip cos lots of people are working and cannot extend our stay. it was another roller coaster adventure of tao sha peah, of races, of emotional upheavals, of getting to know more people.

some races were "won" and some races were "lost". we din win any medals, but i hope we managed to achieve some objectives. lots of things need to be ironed out, no, that's to mild word. more like forged in more intense flames of hard work, blood, and sweat. what lies ahead, seems, herm, formidable, yet challenging.

got to know some of the ladies better. at least got their msn! haha! yay, now i am a casanova like gm. got to know eugene sim too. hope the whole team can bond together stronger. think there are a few social problems like cliques, fear of the opposite sexes, and even homophobia, that may be psychological hindrances that are fragmentary elements in the team. i wonder if we identified it, i wonder if we saw it coming. i wonder if they will have any adverse impact.

so after the penanag trip, more misadventures like reuben lost his luggage in the airport, ah fu had his handphone taken out of his luggage and my sister's luggage got stolen by a lady-taxi-driver-bitch-who-i-hope-gets-into-a-crash-and-survive in turkey. but i am not worried for any of them. cos i know they are very strong people. all of them took it so calmly. i think if it happened to me, i would have totally freaked out. keke.

so i got home at 12 plus, packed my bag for ict, slept at 2 plus, and woke up again at 530, so that my dad could fetch me before going to work. ict is Incamp Training aka reservist aka, National Service all over again. im glad i met up with the guys again.

but overall, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. the programmes were packed. the guys were unmotivated and morale was low. as a section commander, i had to become the platoon sergeant, because the PS did not come. that meant a lot, a lot, a lot more work. i laboured till 2 and was prob the last to get into bed on one the night. and dun get me started on the ps job during the mission!

some good things happened though. i cleared my ippt for this work year. i actually got a gold! so happy, despite having had only like 4 hours of sleep the night before. 9 minutes 19 seconds. a personal best! hehe. must thank yao shuohan, and shafiee for being my greatest motivators during the run. hope to train and run faster next time. yao threatened to beat me the next time around. eddy confidently say's next year will also run faster. i beat him by 1 second. haha!

also, my dad called a second time to ask me for my password so he could check my results for me. haha! the result thing was quite a major issue. the team was busy checking during the race. i vehemently refused to check, because i was afraid it may affect me emotionally during the race. it did for some. i hope the guys will work harder next sem. for those who did will, like ahem ahem, teddy, winston, and (even) alex! haha. no lah. kidding. alex worked hard too. harder than the last sem at least. but credit must be given to him for being smart enough to spot the right questions.

so anyway, my dad checked and calmly told me my results. it was not bad really. did not get that 4.8 on the wall, but it was my personal best results thus far. the cold water came when my dad was like, "so many A-. there is a difference between A and A- you know. 5.0 and 4.5... such a big difference with one stroke. next time get more As okay? well done..." okay, i think i quoted him pretty wrongly, and i think i exaggerated a few parts here and there just to increase the dramatic effect for blogging purposes. but you guys get the picture right? haha! no worries. i not affected, i just hope to do EVEN better the next time round.

okay. that's all for now. have to go prepare for training le. missed yesterday's one, cos i thought i needed a good break after a long hectic extended week. heard trainings gone up. hope morale wont be affected by insensitivity. let's all jia you!

hey peepz.

its 6 in the morning. back in the bunk. just sent my sister off at the airport. she should be halfway round the world to turkey by now.

she's there on some volunteering teaching thingee. then she's off to Leeds, UK for her SEP. jetsetting once again, that little adventurous lady.

so im online for awhile, cos i got hungry and am eating something.

a while ago, my grandma was on the phone. she has her own expectations for us, the grandchildren. so far, im pretty much the black sheep. cos im doing political science. in her cruel words holds a speck of truth. a truth i hate hearing. a truth that i am forced to listen to, silently, grudgingly. a bitter medicine to reality. i rely on my parents too much. im not independent enough. why am i doing things that are unnecessary? i should be out there working my ass off to support my aging parents. rather than doing all these useless stuff. what useless stuff, i shant deliberate.

i have wasted time. wasted too much time. just simply spending time, socializing. if my parents knew what i have been doing, going out, movies, dinners, smsing, and the like, they would scold me till the cows come home. yes, perhaps, they do not understand the life of their lazy ass of a son. and yet, too, within their words, i trace that similar kernel of truth. perhaps it not that i am doing it, but i am doing too much of it.

the contradictions of family.

i am always forced to face the excesses of my own life, my own lifestyle. in the pursuit of my own goals, perhaps, just perhaps i have gone a little too far.

a friend told me to stop thinking. and just feel and enjoy the moment.

for some times, it works.

for other times, when i feel nothing for it, and i think nothing of it, would i be nothing to it? and conversely, will it become nothing to me?

ah, nothingness. a buddhist tenet. sometimes, i thought i would be a buddhist monk. renounce the ties of earthly pleasures, and release myself of guilt and pain. and many a times, thought it might actually be worth it. afterall, i just run away from the first sight of danger, of threat. i just run away. and after the run, i will for a brief period forget what happened, and be left with deep breaths, a sweaty body and an adrenaline rush.

ah running. that's what i do. every sun, tues and thurs, at least. i run in the sun, i run in the rain. i run with people, i run alone. i run when i am happy, i run when i am sad. i run when i am healthy, i run when my knee hurts. i run, i run, i run. is life a race? where i just have to keep running? when can i stop? take a break? when i halt this cycle of neverending step after step after step? can i? should i? can i swim instead?

that's what it sometimes is. a bore. a cycle. the same thing again and again and again. the pleasures, the hurting, the highs, the agony. of being there, of being somewhere else. of being chosen, of being left behind. of proving, of more proving. of caring, of neglecting. of remembering, of forgetting. of abandonment, of slavish obedience. of loyalty, of blindness. of doing it for whom, and of doing it for what.

in my groggy mind of tiredness, i carry a burden. a burden of burdens. one i have only heaped upon myself. in my weary body of weaknesses, i dig a grave. a deep grave of burrowed minutes and hours and days and months. in this grave, i shall fall in with the weight upon my back, descending into the mani-folds of forgotten time.

death. it shouldn't be something to be feared with all one's life. it would deter one from living. being alone. it shouldn't be a driving force for life. it would stop one from understand the self. anger. it shouldn't be a lasting emotion. it would only blind oneself to moment one should live fully in.

have i spoken too rhetorically? too metaphorically? only because i am not thinking. just feeling. and here, let my feelings flow and translate into words of cryptic riddles. as i rest silently by myself, on my bed of passing time, calmly waiting for death.

oh. time to dry the clothes again.

i wish i would stop being so afraid, so scared, so fearful, so worried, so obsessed, so disillusional, so hypocritical, so confused, so unsure, so half-hearted, so depressed, so all-over-the-place about everything everytime.