why did he have to do this? is it really true? i wish i knew. yet i choose not to pursure it anymore for he is gone. gone forever. why?
they say he jumped. i was shocked. i guess everyone was and still is reeling from it. he had always been so happy, so jolly, so encouraging, so diligent, so enthusiastic, so loving, so responsible. this was so unlike him. no one knows. everyone questions. i just stare into space.
death just comes. and i was speaking about being unprepared last saturday. told them that things like loss and death will definitely come. but i guess we can never be fully prepared for the things we wish not to come, even as we know they are coming.
it is unpredictable. maybe i will be the next to go. i wanted to write my death letter, in case i would (and God forbid) be taken away unknowingly, unexpectedly and undeservedly. i wanted my funeral to be one of jokes and laughter because i want to hear laughter as i lay dead in my coffin. laughter is infectious. i want to know i had brought them some joy, so laughter to their own lives. i want to hear songs, i want to hear merriment. but at the same time, i want them to feel sad that i have gone, just to make me feel wanted, albeit i wont know what that feeling is. heh. i want death to be a laughing matter.
and those were my thoughts as i teared and as i walked my way home. i wanted to come into my room and cry when i didn't there. but i am too numb, too shocked, too disappointed, to do so. maybe i will in my dreams, maybe i will when i die.
life must go on. everyone knows that. benson will be remembered. benson will be forgotten. thats the way things will happen. no use screaming, no use crying, no use staring. as we grow older, they will come, as we see them coming so visibly. no use closing our eyes and pretend they wont arrive. cos you dun want to have them staring down in your eyes just when you think it is safe to open them. who knows, maybe you wont be able to open them at all.
so to end on a happy note, as a lay my cathartic ramblings on the net and in my diary and in my memory, i must treasure more so, this life i have, and urge everyone to do the same. life is precious, and we should enjoy every moment.
and benson, wherever you are, you will be missed.
they say he jumped. i was shocked. i guess everyone was and still is reeling from it. he had always been so happy, so jolly, so encouraging, so diligent, so enthusiastic, so loving, so responsible. this was so unlike him. no one knows. everyone questions. i just stare into space.
death just comes. and i was speaking about being unprepared last saturday. told them that things like loss and death will definitely come. but i guess we can never be fully prepared for the things we wish not to come, even as we know they are coming.
it is unpredictable. maybe i will be the next to go. i wanted to write my death letter, in case i would (and God forbid) be taken away unknowingly, unexpectedly and undeservedly. i wanted my funeral to be one of jokes and laughter because i want to hear laughter as i lay dead in my coffin. laughter is infectious. i want to know i had brought them some joy, so laughter to their own lives. i want to hear songs, i want to hear merriment. but at the same time, i want them to feel sad that i have gone, just to make me feel wanted, albeit i wont know what that feeling is. heh. i want death to be a laughing matter.
and those were my thoughts as i teared and as i walked my way home. i wanted to come into my room and cry when i didn't there. but i am too numb, too shocked, too disappointed, to do so. maybe i will in my dreams, maybe i will when i die.
life must go on. everyone knows that. benson will be remembered. benson will be forgotten. thats the way things will happen. no use screaming, no use crying, no use staring. as we grow older, they will come, as we see them coming so visibly. no use closing our eyes and pretend they wont arrive. cos you dun want to have them staring down in your eyes just when you think it is safe to open them. who knows, maybe you wont be able to open them at all.
so to end on a happy note, as a lay my cathartic ramblings on the net and in my diary and in my memory, i must treasure more so, this life i have, and urge everyone to do the same. life is precious, and we should enjoy every moment.
and benson, wherever you are, you will be missed.
well,
I experience such thing too. in fact, it was saddening for me cuz after knowing something abt him, i back out and stoppied contacting him.. when i heard the news that he jumped, i was in thailand and i cant got back spore to pay my last visit.. I was devastated.. I was quite angry at myself why i gave up such a fren and indirectly caused his death. If onli i was his listening ear.. If onli i try hard enuff to know the true him and to accept him.. This guilt inside of me stays til today.. whenever, i hear of a jump, I wld think of him and the times we had... It was a tragedy. But, my actions of condemning him, is the ultimate tragedy. One that i can never forgive myself.
But, do take heart man.. and look forward to life. this is my mistake, and im paying it by trying not to see this happen again....