hey peepz.

the guys are training. and i am blogging. cos i am sick AGAIN.

i sense a pattern. i had persistent cough the beginning of last sem. the beginning of this sem. i am sick again. i hope it won't become a ritual. it has been about a week. seen the yih doctor. might want to go back home and see the clinic. asked janice to give me some cough tablets that might cause constipation. she sees Raffles Hospital doctors. hopefully, the medicine would be of a superior quality too. hehe.

anyway, so i was reflecting about myself, as usual. Gm's birthday gave me a big impetus to think about myself, since my own birthday is coming. its not big deal. its not a hush-hush secret. its going to be on the 21st of january. send me smses or messages wishing me happy birthday if you wish. but just to clarify, i dun seek rememberance, nor do i want like surprise parties or expensive presents. at this point of time i really am okay.

i remembered by own 21st birthday. i spent it in the guard room. and opening the gate for my platoon to go home for the long weekend. when the clock struck 12, i sang happy birthday to myself. sad? now that i reflect on it, i laugh at myself really. think its really funny. ah well, my parents forgot my birthday a few times when i was younger. those were heart-breaking times. and now that i look back, i used it to tell my friends and again laugh. of course, to try to gain a few pity points. but they amounted to nought.

of course, i had some really great birthdays. had a remote control car at 5. that was before my parents started forgetting when my birthday was. i remembered one year, i got a bar of chocolate as my present. and another, a toy plastic car from my sister. ah well. then my secondary school friends organized a party for me in sec 2. that was my first party of sorts. and i cried. ah, young, inexperienced, foolish youth. in uni, the alex and the db guys celebrated it at arts bash and a cake. i will always remember it, cos the wish i made came true. and of course, alex got dead drunk and tried to kiss everyone. well, i was the only one willing to take care of him, and we ended up in the corner, with me pinning him down, while he continued to try to smooch and bite me. the guys still laugh, riduculing that we looked like a gay couple furiously making out. ah well. and my sister bought me a samuel and kevin jacket. well, thats basically my birthday histories. at least the more memorable ones.

i am just really glad gm was happy with his. i took quite a bit of effort making it a surprise party. truth be told, sorry gm, but it did not mean to be a surprise party. frankly, i meant to treat him and alex because i lost the who-got-the-lowest-CAP bet. and that led him to think he was going to have a lonely dinner with 2 guys. bet he thought it was going to be the most loserish birthday party ever. that is like akin to me asking them out to celebrate christmas eve at my place watching vcds (which i did ask, but they flatly turned me down, by the way). haha. and well, that propelled me to make it a surprise for him by asking as many of the people as i could. and i am glad they turned up on such short notice.

melvin commented that this has set the standard for future birthdays to come. haha! when i heard that, frankly, i got pretty scared. i certainly do not want to plan such huge scale events (huge in my living context) after going through the horrors of planning, worrying about if he was going to find out, and desperately smsing to try to confirm the guest list that kept flucuating with the volatility of a woman experiencing menopause. and how surprises kept surprising me, like how gm who supposed to go out shopping with in the afternoon, ditched me for someone more desirable. (haha! but its only natural so i understand) and so i had to start aliasing with that someone through someone else, and argh. it was mind-bogglingly stressful. and then came the logistics, of having the gather all that agreed to come, to meet at a strategic point at a designated time, while stressing that everyone come on time. and then i had some who would be late, and some who wanted to be late. then it came to coordinating the movements, such that there would not be any chances of him seeing, and then getting him to come. and keeping his attention distracted until that single moment when he would step in and go, "eh. everyone is here." and then he would be stunned and shocked and then cry. okay. he din cry. he just faked it with a finger running down his face. and then came the accounts. haha! presents, cakes, and trying to divide them among those who came and those who didn't. and haha! you all get the idea. bottom line. i hope i dun have to go through this nightmare any time soon. and my main point. i dun want anyone to go through SO much trouble for lil o' me. cos then, i will, like how gm feels towards me now, pretty much a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness. so gm, please, do not, i warn you, do not do anything farnee.

so what exactly do i want? frankly, i don't know. certainly no big gatherings. and no fatty birthday cake, and no throwing me into the sea, and no big hoo-haas. but actually, i haven't really thought of what i wanted. ah well. there's still time. right?

but yet when i think about how i am going to be a grand old age of 23, CRIPES! everytime i think of the number, it really freaks me out.

somehow or rather, a certain chain of events got me thinking about the topic of "emotional maturity." and so i goggled "emotional maturity" and this was what i found:

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SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY

1. Volatile Emotions
Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence
Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don't need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other). Over-dependence is indicated by; a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger
This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means putting off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity
Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It's major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can't have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

Are you emotionally mature?
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http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm (bibliography. in case i get sued for plagiarism)


and as i read this, i found myself mentally ticking off many (thankfully, not all) of the characteristics i identified in myself, and my behaviors.

and so i ponder and reflect and wonder. where along the way did i go wrong. but more importantly for me, is what must i do to correct my faults. and i am finding a seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me.

in my bid for emotional maturity, i start to question, what do i have to do? what must i give up? what sort of time, effort, activities, must i sacrifice/ scale down/ take up.

i AM going to be 23. i should make a more conceited effort to grow up.