hey peepz.

its so long since i blogged! argh. keke.

since the july race has found closure, i have been keeping myself so so busy, with appointments, dates, courses, and the long awaited slacking and nuaing and sleeping and you know, normal stuff i do everyday. just even more.

today, went for a standard first aid course i signed up with PECTAC. its a private teaching centre somewhere along beach road. i had to wake up damn early la. had to reach there at 8!!! i thought i might be in for a long, long, long day. i signed up because i am interested in picking up some life skills. and really, i think first aid is an essential life skill, simply because it deals with lives. i am not going to wait for the day when something happens to my dear loved ones and i simply watch them bleed or lay unconscious, or worse, have their lives slip away in front of my eyes.

in anycase, the instructor was great! he is an experienced paramedic and a super entertaining and interesting teacher! he made the class so enjoyable. i thoroughly enjoyed it. and through his anecdotes, i learned alot more about medical conditions like hyper and hypo thermia. and alot of gruesome ways to die. haha! in anycase, i strongly recommend this class. i also got to know a few child care teachers. they have to acquire this certificate as part of their requirements. so interesting to hear these two mothers, jaslyn and evelyn talk about their daughters over lunch. so so interesting. the people we meet.

right now, i have too many many thoughts running through my head. im have not been feeling well. once again, my mouth just never seem to say anything good. made things go wrong, hurt one, angered others. well-meaning intentions were shot down. ideas that run about cannot be articulated. feelings cannot be expressed. this entry is just a vague description of a lot of things i cannot describe.

frankly, life is in shambles. and what am i doing doing what i am doing?

came back and just collapsed and laid on the floor. my body was just not feeling well. was tired and slept. felt the bugs biting me. got up and got into another argument over the phone. tried to talk to another whom i felt was avoiding me. i had experiences when i thought i lost a friend. now i feel i am losing many.

how ironic. was just telling another that everytime i see the first star, i would almost always make a wish, hoping my friends would be happy and healthy. and each time, i would choose a different friend. just find a way to be happy. i just want them to be happy. that's all i wished. its ironic, cos i myself, havent found what it takes for me to be happy. sometimes, i think, i sacrificed so much for others, that in the midst, i sacrificed myself.

to have people whom i cared so so so much for, yet sometimes i feel so lonely.

i want durian, yet, i dunno if it has become a forbidden fruit.

there is so so so much repression and suppression, of anger, disappointments, and depression inside of me. sometimes, i feel that i have had enough.

sometimes i really wished i was not allergic to alcohol. cos i want to get lost in drunken stupor.