heh. cap dropped. not good. jia you.

waiting waiting waiting.

the holidays has been great. if not only a continuation of tumult ever since goodness knows when.

ever realised one is descending into a whirlpool of madness and insanity?

i need to get drunk, without getting an allergic reaction.

i need to dance, without looking all too rigid.

i need to do something, without caring for anyone else.

i need to sleep, without having to worry.

i need to know, without having to cause anymore pain.

i need to eat, without getting fat.

i need to get out of this country, without having my parents grumble about money.

i need a camera, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a fashion make over, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a life, without my parents grumbling about money.

now, what do i need? i need money.

wow. that's a revelation.

so i wrote " you've waited for so long, what's waiting one more night?" and "dun expect, dun pressure, dun hope, dun push. just let things be. please."

wow. i look at that and i wonder how long i can last without putting myself under the intense pressure of self-scrutiny and criticism.

life should be simple right? why am i putting myself through unspeakable complications? life should be straightforward right? why am i going round and round the same stupid circle, only to commit the same idiotic mistakes and coming back to squre one?

life. life. life. life is worth living. so why do i feel so dead? life is great? so why do i feel so sad? hiaz.

i know the problem, i know the solution, yet the solution deludes me as i chase my own shadow. my shadow being my other half. what an apt metaphor. metaphor for the intrinsic loneliness.

im not without friends. im just without self-love and a serious way to laugh at myself, my foolishness, my idiocy, my stupidity, my immaturity, and at the end of the day, smile and accept myself in my entirety.

i seek acceptance. only i seek it from myself.

i seek improvement. only i hope to see myself improving.

i seek companionship. only i dun just want my shadow.

its weird typing all these at 2 am in the morning. only because i am letting my poetic despondence drifting into the whirlpool of madness and insanity.

i want to read dante's inferno.

sounds like an adventure.

hey peepz!

i know i have so not been posting for a very very very long time to update about my life. you know, the normal yedda yedda yedda protocol to yell to the world that im actually still alive, even if you have all forgottening i existed.

well, basically, exmas are over. so its time to resurface into the world i once knew, only to realise so little, and yet, so much has changed.

this sem has been my most horrible. haven spoken to and have missed so much friends like daryl and mel. have gone through a lot of emotional ups and downs. got to know some friends a lot better than i have ever known them like jo and dy. all in all, i think i screwed up my academics. yay.

all sem, i have only been hearing of the escapades of my sister who has practically set her foot in every decent touristy country this earth has to offer, and of my brother who has spent one entire year in korea and has finally returned back to singapore. and all sem, the hottest topic on the lips of my dad is how much money my siblings have spent thus far.

so and so, its even made me guilty for staying in hall for this 4 months because i am simply too lazy to move out. or rather, i rationalised that staying in renders the need to shift my a billion and one things back home only to wait another 3 weeks to have them shift them back here when the semester starts. so yar.

in any case, i decided to scrap the idea of getting the canon a710 camera, when that desire was lingering all year. i decided to scrap the intention of taking up biking lessons when i get opposition from family and friends. i decided to just stay in my room during the holidays more often to i can save on the dollars and cents by eating yih food (and as if i havent had enough of it).

i think alot of ideas that require stepping out of the room and spending money have to be reconsidered... haha! there is a nike end of year sale starting tomorrow. i need to handcuff myself to my bedposts just so to restrain my pangs of desperation for nike goods and a good sale just so as to save money. haha! gosh, i hope i wun chew my hand off and go to that sale all bloody and limbless...

in anycase, i see a lot of books in my room waiting to be read. and in any hope i finish them, there is still the library, thats open to 7 every evening. well, that alone can keep me occupied the whole day. not to mention regaining some of my former health levels and going on msn and watching anime. wow. i think i just created my holiday plan right here.

does it sound sad? like not going overseas like wenting has. she's in japan! that lucky IW! haha! and jo and cherylene going to shanghai. and the guys intending to go malaysia. and blah blah blah. i think i shall say i making a trip to MC-land.

all right! that's enough sulking and whining for now! life has been just a journey... such a journey.

i keep losing. really.

i lost my nerve, i lost my control, i lost my direction.

i lost my fbt shorts, my bods underwear, my nike aqua shoes, my nike cap, my rashguard.

i lost all of them today at sdba.

was totally distracted. was totally tired. was totally irritated.

i lost my sem, i lost my sanity, i lost my emotions.

whatever.

its the beginning of the holidays. and already im like that. wtf.

positive. try to be more positive.