waiting waiting waiting.

the holidays has been great. if not only a continuation of tumult ever since goodness knows when.

ever realised one is descending into a whirlpool of madness and insanity?

i need to get drunk, without getting an allergic reaction.

i need to dance, without looking all too rigid.

i need to do something, without caring for anyone else.

i need to sleep, without having to worry.

i need to know, without having to cause anymore pain.

i need to eat, without getting fat.

i need to get out of this country, without having my parents grumble about money.

i need a camera, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a fashion make over, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a life, without my parents grumbling about money.

now, what do i need? i need money.

wow. that's a revelation.

so i wrote " you've waited for so long, what's waiting one more night?" and "dun expect, dun pressure, dun hope, dun push. just let things be. please."

wow. i look at that and i wonder how long i can last without putting myself under the intense pressure of self-scrutiny and criticism.

life should be simple right? why am i putting myself through unspeakable complications? life should be straightforward right? why am i going round and round the same stupid circle, only to commit the same idiotic mistakes and coming back to squre one?

life. life. life. life is worth living. so why do i feel so dead? life is great? so why do i feel so sad? hiaz.

i know the problem, i know the solution, yet the solution deludes me as i chase my own shadow. my shadow being my other half. what an apt metaphor. metaphor for the intrinsic loneliness.

im not without friends. im just without self-love and a serious way to laugh at myself, my foolishness, my idiocy, my stupidity, my immaturity, and at the end of the day, smile and accept myself in my entirety.

i seek acceptance. only i seek it from myself.

i seek improvement. only i hope to see myself improving.

i seek companionship. only i dun just want my shadow.

its weird typing all these at 2 am in the morning. only because i am letting my poetic despondence drifting into the whirlpool of madness and insanity.

i want to read dante's inferno.

sounds like an adventure.