i lost my shoe bag.
i lost my saucony shoes.
i lost my saucony singlet.
i lost myself in a host of worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, guilt, depression.
with no one to help me.

if i am a friend, stop treating me as the enemy.

doing what makes you happy, requires sacrifices.

and most of the time, its worth it.

all i really secretly hope for, all the time, is that whenever i give someone a present, or anything at all, be it a kind act, or a simple note, the first response i would receive was "thank you."

if im going to do something, i might as well be enthusiastic about it.

aggression, desire, fire

communication, support, connection

catch, pull, recover

teammates, friends, family

strength, power, endurance

shout, scream, cry

pat, grasp, hug

stretch out, long pull, twist out

breathe in and hold it there, one inches from the blade, pull hard fast recovery

eight, nine, ten

one, two, three

guys, girls, everyone

men, ladies, everyone

jia you, lai ya, pang zai

front, mid, back

drummer, coxen, coach

you, me, us

win, lose, together

one heart, one stroke, one soul

nus dragonboat, its more than a sport, its a lifestyle.

hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?

hey peepz!

i am back at last. here's monthly summary of my great exciting life!

went to penang over the last weekend for a db competition. a big rush for a short trip cos lots of people are working and cannot extend our stay. it was another roller coaster adventure of tao sha peah, of races, of emotional upheavals, of getting to know more people.

some races were "won" and some races were "lost". we din win any medals, but i hope we managed to achieve some objectives. lots of things need to be ironed out, no, that's to mild word. more like forged in more intense flames of hard work, blood, and sweat. what lies ahead, seems, herm, formidable, yet challenging.

got to know some of the ladies better. at least got their msn! haha! yay, now i am a casanova like gm. got to know eugene sim too. hope the whole team can bond together stronger. think there are a few social problems like cliques, fear of the opposite sexes, and even homophobia, that may be psychological hindrances that are fragmentary elements in the team. i wonder if we identified it, i wonder if we saw it coming. i wonder if they will have any adverse impact.

so after the penanag trip, more misadventures like reuben lost his luggage in the airport, ah fu had his handphone taken out of his luggage and my sister's luggage got stolen by a lady-taxi-driver-bitch-who-i-hope-gets-into-a-crash-and-survive in turkey. but i am not worried for any of them. cos i know they are very strong people. all of them took it so calmly. i think if it happened to me, i would have totally freaked out. keke.

so i got home at 12 plus, packed my bag for ict, slept at 2 plus, and woke up again at 530, so that my dad could fetch me before going to work. ict is Incamp Training aka reservist aka, National Service all over again. im glad i met up with the guys again.

but overall, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. the programmes were packed. the guys were unmotivated and morale was low. as a section commander, i had to become the platoon sergeant, because the PS did not come. that meant a lot, a lot, a lot more work. i laboured till 2 and was prob the last to get into bed on one the night. and dun get me started on the ps job during the mission!

some good things happened though. i cleared my ippt for this work year. i actually got a gold! so happy, despite having had only like 4 hours of sleep the night before. 9 minutes 19 seconds. a personal best! hehe. must thank yao shuohan, and shafiee for being my greatest motivators during the run. hope to train and run faster next time. yao threatened to beat me the next time around. eddy confidently say's next year will also run faster. i beat him by 1 second. haha!

also, my dad called a second time to ask me for my password so he could check my results for me. haha! the result thing was quite a major issue. the team was busy checking during the race. i vehemently refused to check, because i was afraid it may affect me emotionally during the race. it did for some. i hope the guys will work harder next sem. for those who did will, like ahem ahem, teddy, winston, and (even) alex! haha. no lah. kidding. alex worked hard too. harder than the last sem at least. but credit must be given to him for being smart enough to spot the right questions.

so anyway, my dad checked and calmly told me my results. it was not bad really. did not get that 4.8 on the wall, but it was my personal best results thus far. the cold water came when my dad was like, "so many A-. there is a difference between A and A- you know. 5.0 and 4.5... such a big difference with one stroke. next time get more As okay? well done..." okay, i think i quoted him pretty wrongly, and i think i exaggerated a few parts here and there just to increase the dramatic effect for blogging purposes. but you guys get the picture right? haha! no worries. i not affected, i just hope to do EVEN better the next time round.

okay. that's all for now. have to go prepare for training le. missed yesterday's one, cos i thought i needed a good break after a long hectic extended week. heard trainings gone up. hope morale wont be affected by insensitivity. let's all jia you!