hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?