ooo...

the ignorance, the arrogance, the stupidity, the misunderstanding; one wonders the use of education.

the pointing, the eyeing, the raising of the eye brows, the pouting of the lips towards a specified direction; one wonders the use of the body.

the talking, the gossiping, the back stabbing, the joking, the bitching, the whispering, the knowing silence; one wonders the use of words.

the masquerading of pride behind humility, the dressing up of bigotry under enlightened self-knowledge, the hiding of individual vested interests amidst proclamations of community well-being.

the literature, the psychology, the sociology, the politics, the language, the theatrics.

the things i learn in schoo, the way i view the world, the way i treat my life.

oh gosh.

don't blame me for being pessimistic. just blame me for losing hope.

despite all these, i will try to do my best.

happy birthday ben!

happy new year guys!

thank you val, mich, jw, ben and pq. thank you.

hugz.

yan3 lei4 shi4 ai4 de4 hua1 huo3

***

hey peepz!

i have had a great new years eve. met 3 separate groups of friends.

just want to say I love you daryl!!! (dun worry, not in THAT sense) and am so so so glad you are back. back stronger than ever. whahaha!!

watched the fireworks.

have had a long long long year. and has been slowly picking up the pieces. most have been picked up. but some shards of yesteryear are stuck in the heart, searing and making it bleed.

but i remember from d gray man, even though allen and leenalee were heavily injured, as long as they are alive, they will recover.

and so as long as i am still alive, i will get out of whatever rut or hole i am in and become stronger.

my resolution this year, is to become stronger, mentally, emotionally and physically. in that order. my friend calls me sexy. i want to be god-damn sexy. haha! ok. you all can puke now. but i will change. i will transform. this time next year. this time next year. things will look different. things will be different. i know. it will.

heh. cap dropped. not good. jia you.

waiting waiting waiting.

the holidays has been great. if not only a continuation of tumult ever since goodness knows when.

ever realised one is descending into a whirlpool of madness and insanity?

i need to get drunk, without getting an allergic reaction.

i need to dance, without looking all too rigid.

i need to do something, without caring for anyone else.

i need to sleep, without having to worry.

i need to know, without having to cause anymore pain.

i need to eat, without getting fat.

i need to get out of this country, without having my parents grumble about money.

i need a camera, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a fashion make over, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a life, without my parents grumbling about money.

now, what do i need? i need money.

wow. that's a revelation.

so i wrote " you've waited for so long, what's waiting one more night?" and "dun expect, dun pressure, dun hope, dun push. just let things be. please."

wow. i look at that and i wonder how long i can last without putting myself under the intense pressure of self-scrutiny and criticism.

life should be simple right? why am i putting myself through unspeakable complications? life should be straightforward right? why am i going round and round the same stupid circle, only to commit the same idiotic mistakes and coming back to squre one?

life. life. life. life is worth living. so why do i feel so dead? life is great? so why do i feel so sad? hiaz.

i know the problem, i know the solution, yet the solution deludes me as i chase my own shadow. my shadow being my other half. what an apt metaphor. metaphor for the intrinsic loneliness.

im not without friends. im just without self-love and a serious way to laugh at myself, my foolishness, my idiocy, my stupidity, my immaturity, and at the end of the day, smile and accept myself in my entirety.

i seek acceptance. only i seek it from myself.

i seek improvement. only i hope to see myself improving.

i seek companionship. only i dun just want my shadow.

its weird typing all these at 2 am in the morning. only because i am letting my poetic despondence drifting into the whirlpool of madness and insanity.

i want to read dante's inferno.

sounds like an adventure.

hey peepz!

i know i have so not been posting for a very very very long time to update about my life. you know, the normal yedda yedda yedda protocol to yell to the world that im actually still alive, even if you have all forgottening i existed.

well, basically, exmas are over. so its time to resurface into the world i once knew, only to realise so little, and yet, so much has changed.

this sem has been my most horrible. haven spoken to and have missed so much friends like daryl and mel. have gone through a lot of emotional ups and downs. got to know some friends a lot better than i have ever known them like jo and dy. all in all, i think i screwed up my academics. yay.

all sem, i have only been hearing of the escapades of my sister who has practically set her foot in every decent touristy country this earth has to offer, and of my brother who has spent one entire year in korea and has finally returned back to singapore. and all sem, the hottest topic on the lips of my dad is how much money my siblings have spent thus far.

so and so, its even made me guilty for staying in hall for this 4 months because i am simply too lazy to move out. or rather, i rationalised that staying in renders the need to shift my a billion and one things back home only to wait another 3 weeks to have them shift them back here when the semester starts. so yar.

in any case, i decided to scrap the idea of getting the canon a710 camera, when that desire was lingering all year. i decided to scrap the intention of taking up biking lessons when i get opposition from family and friends. i decided to just stay in my room during the holidays more often to i can save on the dollars and cents by eating yih food (and as if i havent had enough of it).

i think alot of ideas that require stepping out of the room and spending money have to be reconsidered... haha! there is a nike end of year sale starting tomorrow. i need to handcuff myself to my bedposts just so to restrain my pangs of desperation for nike goods and a good sale just so as to save money. haha! gosh, i hope i wun chew my hand off and go to that sale all bloody and limbless...

in anycase, i see a lot of books in my room waiting to be read. and in any hope i finish them, there is still the library, thats open to 7 every evening. well, that alone can keep me occupied the whole day. not to mention regaining some of my former health levels and going on msn and watching anime. wow. i think i just created my holiday plan right here.

does it sound sad? like not going overseas like wenting has. she's in japan! that lucky IW! haha! and jo and cherylene going to shanghai. and the guys intending to go malaysia. and blah blah blah. i think i shall say i making a trip to MC-land.

all right! that's enough sulking and whining for now! life has been just a journey... such a journey.

i keep losing. really.

i lost my nerve, i lost my control, i lost my direction.

i lost my fbt shorts, my bods underwear, my nike aqua shoes, my nike cap, my rashguard.

i lost all of them today at sdba.

was totally distracted. was totally tired. was totally irritated.

i lost my sem, i lost my sanity, i lost my emotions.

whatever.

its the beginning of the holidays. and already im like that. wtf.

positive. try to be more positive.

hey peepz!

exam stress is here!

just finished the first draft of my last essay. i know. i am screwed for exams.

so taking this slight repreive before diving back in.

lent my lappy to dy whose lap top crashed. hope everything has returned to normalcy for her.

thank you joanna for lending me her laptop to finish my essay!

its times like this that you realise the sweet, sweet value of friendship.

thus said,

i miss the guys at exchange!!! jason, noel, and especially MELVIN!!! wahahaha!

there were so many questions. what was the game plan? how are we going to row? who is going to win?

it was a pretty good medal haul for nus this time round. unprecedented. guys, 2 golds, 1 4th. girls, 1 gold, 1 3rd. mixed plate 1st. its like wow. ms wen cried tears of joy. haha!

i was the drummer this time round! haha! got medals as rower, this time as drummer. next up as coxwain! haha! Vijay better make space! haha! kiddin kiddin. we will see lah. in any case, i have pretty much lost my voice. and with reference to gm's usual joke to me, i blew as hard as can. i blew and blew and blew. i hope my blowing perked the guys up. as the drummer, it was sure pretty wet and wild from where i was, and i blew and blew and blew. i blew for every guy in the team. i blew for the guys in the boat, i blew for they guys on shore. i even blew for the girls. and at the end of the day, i was glad everyone was happy. okay. if you the joke just blown over and you had no idea what it meant, think dirty. and if you got it, shame on you! haha!

to many it means much. to some its special. James is our 1 semester exchange student, and i guess db changed his life. 'nuff said. haha! i will miss that bugger. his nz/malaysian accent, and to gm, his white girls, and gm's "intellectual looks." haha!

at the same time, despite the credible results, i left with more questions, than answers by the time i reached back to my room. what will happen from now? how will people change? what will i do? options, options, options. and of course, choice versus decision.

anyway, congrats to all the winners, also, and a special mention to Jon! haha! after all your hard work with your team, i sure hope it paid off for his team.

at the end of the day, moments of happiness, moments of sadness, the fleetingness of emotions, the essential dis-utility of a medal, the gone day of another event. like they said, its always the journey, the bonds, the friendships.

time to hit the books. 1 more essay, 5 more exams. 3 more weeks. 1 more sem. and 1 ultimate decision.

the more i stay in one place, the more i feel that the i dun suit the place. for various reasons, i dun find what i am looking for. i may not know exactly what i want. just that, i am beginning to understand what i do not want.

of course, it is also always partly my fault. i haven put in enough effort, enough emphasis, enough understanding.

simultaneously, after what i have seen right in front of my eyes, i get more and more disillusioned, more and more disheartened, more and more disappointed.

im not suitable for this. im not.

loneliness is manmade.

now, if only i can unmake it.

hey peepz!

im standing in the hotel lobby using the hotel's free internet access to type this entry! how cool is that! haha!

anyway, im doing just fine here in KaohShiung, Taiwan, and so is the team! here is a little short update.

the competition here is so tough! there are teams from hungary, switzerland, germany, even USA, France, south africa, japan , korea, indonesia and taipei. it is pretty happening! generally we did pretty well. we managed to enter the 500m finals, which we were not expecting, cos we thought we came in second in our heats, but we came in first. anyway, we came in 5th for that finals. a few hits and misses.

but generally a good overseas outing. i certainly hope we have jumped more than a few steps in terms of rower maturity, experience and understanding. hope to take them home and share with the ladies and the juniors.

the competition was pretty well organized, and there has been a lot of hype for this event apparently. as usual, lots of beautiful people. the guys from europe are huge! and they make their boat sink deeper in the water. but that did not prevent them from sweeping the top honors in the competition. and we wonder what makes them champions.

the german drummer is looks like Cameron Diaz! omg. she's beautiful. even the hungrarian drummer is gorgeous with her long flowing hair and slender legs.

as for the guys. i thought the japs were the best looking. sorry wenting. shashin o torimasen. you have to ask yongming for that. they left before the last event in the competition so we din get to take photos nor exchange singlets. the next prize goes to the koreans! haha! then perhaps the taiwanese. as for the guys who will read this again in the future, there has been batista, and the ABC. two really huge, hulking guys whose biceps are as large as our thighs. oh. and also the french, who simply loved to strips bottom naked in the open public when changing out of their wet suits when they are simply just camped just outside the toilet. we suspect they wanted to display their national pride, which is hidden in their pants. ah well.

anyway, the competition is officially over. the swiss, hungrarians and the germans took most of the medals. the indonesians did asia proud by taking a third prize. i am truly humbled by this experience. despite having rowed for 2 years, i am in no position to say i am an experience nor even a expert rower. no, not even a novice rowers. having pride in nusdb, does not mean i can be a proud rowers. i recognize my own individual deficits as a rower, as an athlete, as a person. we recongizee we still have a lot to do as a team. i hope we can be there to support one another, both those within the team, and those outside.

all right, its time i try to do some reading. i can safely say, my goal of 5.0 is pretty much out of my reach, but i must "gia diao diao" and be "stubborn" and keep up with the waves, keep up with the passing boats, keep up with the waters, the stroke rate. i have to resolve my every stroke and show them what i have got. no 5.0 also got 4.9. lai!

hey peepz!

just a brief update before crashing into bed.

had a competition over at bedok again. the sava sprints! it was super exciting as usual. learned quite a bit of things, especially about composure. i realised if i simply dun think about much, i can be a lot more calm. the horrible machinations of the overly excited imaginations.

we din get any medals this time round. and boy was it a humbling experience. we thought we saw everything in penang, but when this philippines team, Carrimons, came, i thought these guys were out of this world! they beat EVERYONE by a mile! maybe more than that! haha! they are fishermen by occupation. i guess they had a good HAUL! haha! geddit geddit? like fish HAUL, gold HAUL! haha! okay. lame.

anyway, our batch of juniors performed superbly! they even beat the senior boat in a few sets in terms of timing! i really have to be very impressed by them. its a strong bunch of guys.

anyway, we will be heading off the Taiwan this tuesday to next tuesday for another competition! dun miss me. well, not like i am very much missed. herm. haha!

anyway, im getting veyr stressed, cos i have readings, and essays and presentations to prepare for! i think i need to take down that 4.8 off my wall...

until the day we come back, have fun guys!

great. i have got the flu.

AND i have got hives.

i want to stay in bed to recover from the flu, but it may be the room that's causing the hives.

wow.

i sound like i have got some kind of std... hives... eek. then i get all these bubbles emerging from my skin in patches all over my body. eek.

im beginning to feel itchy just thinking about it.

eek.

hey peepz!

decided to just come online and do some blogging. life has just gotten a bit more hectic. here are just some little updates in my life.

took part in the nus triathlon. like finally! haha! took part in the sprint event, which required me to swim 500 metres, bike 20km and run 5km. it was actually pretty easy. until the run. haha! other than that, i really thought it was a pretty enjoyable experience! i actually came in 6th in the men's closed category! wow. well, considering there were only 20 odd guys. compared with the mens open's category, i would have ranked about 50plus. i am very happy. hope to continue to train and perhaps do the full distance!

i must thank ms tan meiling for being the hospital lady she is for housing me in her room! if not i would have to have woken up at 4am to cycle to east coast from school! she stays like one street away from the competition venue. how convenient! so thank you thank you thank you! i also found out that she's probably my number one fan! she actually laughs at my himbo/auntie/nerd antics. how nice it is to be appreciated! so lets all give her a clap! *clap*

other than that, she's been really irritating asking me who i like! dear tan meiling! you better stop asking me that question before i start spreading lies, telling people that i actually like you! or that im gay. haha!

other than that, i am very happy for another dear lady fren for getting attached! to another guy fren i know! so cute! and it all started when he simply held her hand! so romantic! wah lau. worthy of a tearful smile! keke. also, one of my men from ns is getting married tomorrow!!! wah!!! happy happy events! congrats kathi!

other than that, the seasons started again, after like what? 2 weeks break. the juniors this time round are great! strong, fit and many with the right attitude! or at least, i haven gone around and meeting any with a stinky attitude yet! kudos to the exchange students! they all in my group, and i see them push and push so freaking hard, they make my efforts this last 2 years seem feeble. wah!!! so to dan-the-man, jacob, james and also to derrick koh, keep working hard guys!

dead lines coming up le. haven been cathing up on my readings. must jia you jia you le!

to melvin who is in australia now, if you reading this entry, sorry i havent been online, and whenever i am you arent. in any case, i miss you terribly! also to daryl tay, in new zealand. happy birthday trumpet boy. i miss you horribly too. i know i sound gay, but well, they are some of my closest guy friends around. just trying to be a little homoerotic, erm, i mean, metrosexual and that whatcha you call it, sensitive new age guy! whahaha!!

well, that does not mean the girls dun get mentioned too! to dear dear rendy, whos been sick and was wearing my jacket, hope you recovered! to ms wen, yellow says he's forgiven you about having abandoned him on xy's bed. he was contemplating staying with us, but you are still his sugar mommy. to cindy, (if you even read this), i know you are friendly!!! you just have to BEHAVE more friendly towards me! keke!!! also to all the girls in the girls team!!! i haven gotten to know all of you yet! but i guess beyond my closest gal friends, jul and wenya, i have gotten to know the others like yirang, cherylene, teresa, angela, angeline, all a little better. and also crazy-o-i-want-to-take-seven-modules-and-am-also-interested-in-philosophy-of-religion wenting, of whom we will be spending like 2 modules with each other this sem! and joanna! i better see you in the study room more often okay? no more lazing around!

id like to offer my profuse "love" for my guys team as well. but better not, if not they will bar me from showering with them! whahaha!

all right! that's about it for now. will update again when something tumultuous and significant has happened in my life!

cheers!

hey peepz!

after incessant requests from my ardent die-hard bakainu fan club (more like bo-liao frens who complain they keep seeing the same entry everytime they open this page) to lap up the latest adventures of my exciting, marvelous, stupendous, the-daily-trials-and-tribulations-of-james-bond-look-alike-aka-bakainu, i have decided to post something this beautiful rainy morning.

schools started. im going to the libary now to zap my required readings like now now now!

ciao!

someone stole my clothes!!!

one really nice red, and not to mention EXPENSIVE shirt i wore only once.
two really comfortable nike dry-fit singlets i bought at 30% discount from queensway.
one matching yellow saucony singlet my friend got me. now i only have the yellow shorts.

ARGH!!!

i curse that thief to eternal flames of burning coals and sulfers! i curse that the thief will fail fail fail fail fail ALLLLLLL his/her modules! i curse that the thief will trip and fall and somehow or rather drop his or her pants revealing his or her skimpy leather g-string in front of the whole student population. i curse that the thief strike jackpot of a million clothes, only to realise that it was a mistake on the singapore pools part and then AAALLLL his or her clothes get confiscated. i curse you thief! i curse you! bah!

other than that, world peace everyone. which coincidentally is an ironic statement, with the wars and the typhoons and everything. so everyone please pray for everyone else. oh dun pray for that thief. wait, no, pray that he or she gets her just desserts.

sometimes, when i whine too much, people are unable to differentiate between brainless bantering and piercing pain.

hey peepz!

here's the weekly summary of tan meng chuan's exciting week!

first of all, my parents went genting on sunday, monday and tuesday. so when the cats away, the mice will play! in my case, i went home and took the car for a spin. rather, its for many many spins!!! haha! its been a long time since i drove. and there were a few times that i think i would have almost gotten myself, or my passengers or someone else on the road killed. like literally. i am glad that has not happened, and i pray that it will never happen. in anycase, i got lost like left right and centre. one time, i got onto the ecp instead of the pie. and ended up at changi at 9am in the morning. so i simply went blading! wahaha! so fun! it was by myself. but i was glad. tried blading for the second time in my life. and no one was there to see my land on my bum like 10 times! haha! but got one guy saw me blade off the road and run onto the grass patch in a weird angle. haha! still, i want to blade more!

on wednesday, the people at okr called me at 3 and asked me to move by 4. WAH!!!! horrible!!! anyway, i said okay, cos i was so confident i could move everything shit stuff from my 5th floor room to the first floor! haha! in anycase, when i first entered the room, the room smelt like, woah! i shant reveal what sort of smell. its just, erm, pervasive. so i just kept spraying air freshener. like loads and loads of them, round after round after round, just to get rid of the smell... shant bore you with more details. the important thing is, i posted a plea for help on the msn on the night. 2 kind souls responded, Jingwen and Wenya. in anycase, they stayed too far, so i din want to trouble them by coming all the way down to school. the next morning, i came on msn to help again. this time, jul offered help. and she had the car. so i thought it was convenient enough for her to help. and i really really really really really have to thank her. with her help, we managed to move everything in time!!! yay! so anyway, i told her i will blog about this, so thank you to the power of 10. haha! in any case, i treated her lunch and dinner, should be more enough to cover for her wages! haha!

all right. what else? oh. i went for a course with weiming. very very very informative! everyone should go. an eye opener. oh definitely! in anycase, today, we went bowling! with 2 ladies! muahaha! damn fun! and i broke my record!!! now, my highest score is 147! it aint impressive, but its definitely impressing me! wahaha!

all right. that's about it for now. must make next week more exciting!!!!!!

hey peepz!

just back from my heartsavers course. now i am a certified first aider and cpr performer! keke. i took them because i want to be prepared in case something happened. however, i would wish that i need not have to opportunity to exercise them.

went to watch bay beats last night. it was pretty good! some of the bands were very very good. most of the time the lead singer was barely audible, but the synergy of the guitars and the drum and the singer was superb. also got to know my friend better too. hopefully we will get to have more opportunities to further our friendship. hope to meet up with my other friends as well.

met up with ivan and linhui just the day before. met up at holland village, and ate at thai express. then we hung out at coffee bean. so nice to see that scholar again. he hasnt' changed much. din grow as fat as i would like him to be. at least fat enough for me to poke fun. keke. i am evil.

all right. that's all for my update! enjoy your sundays folks!