hey peepz!

its me again! second blog in two days. i must be really free! ha ha! its just because i finished my first draft of my submission for tomorrow. shall edit it tomorrow morning.

training was quite shiok. except that poor alex misstepped and fell on the floor with his hands gripping his head in sheer agony. i was just running behind him and was in totally shock as i saw him crash into the ground. but luckily, he was still alive. he probably just sprained his ankle. promised to see the doc tomorrow.

one of the juniors said something really, erm, inspiring today: "if roystan can do it, so can i." i was laughing, but he sure had a whole damn lot of fighting spirit. especially after the second set, i thought he was going to give up, but he fought on. dunno if any of the juniors would get their hands on this blog, since its soo easy to find, but i just want to say: Manchun, you da man!

also, today is the third day since i styled my hair! have been getting all sort of comments, from "erm... what happened?" to "you look good!" to "at least you werent called a tranny." GM, the master in birds-nests styling was very disapproving, but i shall attempt to try again and again, and hopefully to perfect a decent sense of style.

okay. time to get back to readings. i am soooo behind!!! argh!

hey peepz!

it feels like eternity since i last blogged!!! and it feels like eternity to the power of eternity since i last read everyone else's blogs!!! i suddenly felt so out of touch with my friends' lives. i felt to lost. so distant.

several factor have contributed to this pathetic situation. firstly, whenever i am in the room, i log into my computer now instead of the school domain. why? cos when i log into the school's domain and connect to the internet through the vpn, the connection keeps getting interrupted. and the better way was through the computer system. there was another story behind this story. in a nutshell, someone messed with my lap top to help, only to lock me out of my lap cos i dun remember the default password, only to result in me running from one place to another and to be told the password in 5 seconds, and after the kind person tried to crack the code throughout the night. ah well. and what is the whole point after this cock and bull story? all my bookmarks are in the computer domain and not in the computer system. so with no bookmarks whenever i log into the computer system in my room, i never did get onto their blogs to take a look. so basically, i am just lazy.

the second factor is, that i have been pretty caught up in school work. or rather, i have been half caught up in WORRYING about school work, and the other half attempting at some ineffective studying, which in turn infuriates me, and leaves me fuming at myself for the rest of my waking moments. so, no time to read blogs.

the third factor was, that i have been sick for a very, very long time. much time was spent in bed, being drowsy, visitng dr victor loh 4 times, getting a chest x-ray done, and simply just being sick and down and angry and frustrated and yadda yadda yadda. well, i am glad to announce that i have recently recovered. the "official" day of recovery was on sunday, when i went for a run with the guys, only to finish it like super dead last. made me realise how much impact the illness has caused to my cardiovascular system. and how much the rest of the people have improved.

the fourth factor was, that i have been busy doing all sort of unnecessary things! like photocopy coursepacks and notes and books. yes, books. books which are nicely binded but whose pages are still warm and crisp and nicely sitting on the top of my shelf, untouched, unflipped, unviolated. why? cos they have absolutely NOTHING to do with my curriculum. these are books of purely personal interest, and by reading them not only has no positive contribution to my goal of 4.5, but are in fact rather detrimental to my academic health. yes. i am dumb. yes. i am stupid. but oh, i missed photocopying already. and yes. i am sick sick sick in the mind.

the fifth factor was, i have been busy moving into the room, and enriching it with all sort of food, snacks, books, paper, clothes, and whatever you would dream of if only you had totaly independence and that you have your own house, and you want to make it your dream loft. yes. i was busy going out to places like clementi and ikea sourcing for ideas, and actually going about window shopping, with one question in my mind when i look at niceties: do i need this? and then my left hemisphere and my right hemisphere would collaborate and come up with all sorts of reason why i should and why i should not get this nicety. and then my brain would fight with my heart about whether i should think twice about getting this nicety, and then my heart and my hands would fight again as i take out my wallet in a split second to fish out cash to purchase the nicety. and now the nicety is nicely in my room. and if you repeat this above process like about 20 to 30 times a day, you would then realise where all my time was going to.

yes, yes, yes. this is the third week of school, a nice warm, throughly enjoyed wednesday. i have a tutorial tomorrow and another on friday, and a paper submission on friday. wow. and then, i am here blogging my time away. and then i wonder, what the hell am i doing here at all???? and then i would realise that i should try to dissociate myself with blogs altogether and concentrate on my work.

ahh, the intricate complexities and contradictions of life pervades my every being, my every moment, my every day. now i only wonder what else can i do to waste my time away? as a big '4.5' stares right into my face.

i wonder.

hey peepz!

its been such a lont time since i last blogged.

anyway, the first week of school has already came and gone. and i am nicely settled in my new home away from home. the more i think about the room, the more i love it. its far away, from much of the hustle and bustle. it faces a steep slope covered with trees, is near the toilet and is on the same floor as the pantry. the window faces south, so i dun get the morning or evening sun, but it gets sufficiently bright enough for me to wake up and stay awake. really i love the room. only that the laundy room is really far, in another block.

but i know a few friends staying here with me, namely mel, alex, jiahe, jason, teddy, gm, ms wen, and benny. its great living here already.

the week has been really hectic. the first shocking revelation was that my ps lecturers were not providing course packs, which means we had to gather about 50 sepearate readings for the module! and i have 2 module lecturers doing that!!! it was a horrorible, horrible treatment. luckily, i managed to rally 2 other friends to divide the task of compiling our course pack. so i spent 2 whole days in the library from dusk to dawn just hunting the readings down and photocopying them. yoke could not even stand 2 hours. imagine 6. then again, i am a shamelessly and pervertedly self-proclaimed master of photocopying, and the great pirate to copyright laws.

oh. just want to say, that if any of you are going to infringe copyright laws, and am going to do so anyway, please, at least do it with consideration for the environment. please use both sides of the paper, and save the toner by covering exposed areas with the white cardboards that the shops have so kindly provided. it irks me to see people photocpying books the same size as "the little prince" on one side, and when each paper like 50% blocked out by black toner. its cruel to the environment. so please, save the trees.

i still have 2 more modules to zap readings for. argh. the pain. the torture. and in it, a slight pinch of pleasure (please refer to previous entries on the perverse excitement i take out of zapping notes on a massive scale).

and so the week passed by so fast, i find myself falling behind on readings already on the second week of school. today was pretty much wasted running here and there doing errands and amending corrections, and retrieving forgotten items and teaching a neophyte meiling at the art of zapping notes.

shall not complain anymore about me being sick. yes. i am still sick for the 4th week running. if i dun get well by tomorrow, i am going to yih and insister they refer me to a specialist. i was surfing the net about "persistent coughs" and was relieved to hear that its common that they can go on for "a few weeks". but my blanked out when i came across an article about a woman who found out she got "unoperable lung cancer" after what she thought was "sinmply a nagging cough." the cruel, cruel tricks fate plays on my mind. now, i really do not want to think about anything, about what on earth i could have possibly contracted. pq thinks its tb. another thinks its cancer. i think i shall lock myself up in the room. and suddenly, the oh-so-familiar feeling of being isolated and singled out for a disease has come wafting back to me.

that's not the only cause for my worry. the juniors that have come in have become a new source of stress. they are all generally fit, with some fitter than others, and some fitter than me during my peak. all the aspirations to get strong and stronger, and to be a source of motivation for them, have seem to have taken a reverse turn upon myself, and now especially when i am still sick. its frustrating, its agonising. i havent run in 3 weeks. marcus's speed is quite fast, or so i heard. and i wonder if i will faint the next time i attempt at running. of course, i am glad that there are potentially good juniors around, and in the end, i just hope for a strong, bonded, winning, NUS db team, even if i am not in the boat, cos at the end of the day, its really not about winning or losing, or whether or not i get into the boat and such. its really about bonds and us fighting together. so i hope we all can work harder together.

was telling a lot of people, that i miss running around nus at night. just tempted to get out there and just do it. really tempted...

hey peepz! its me again at 10 am on the nation's birthday. so here's a great big 40th happy birthday to my homeland.

i am actually very happy and thankful that i live in singapore. guess, national education did work on me after all. after all, i do support the PAP, NS, and indeed national education inculcation in the young. we all know what the effects of propaganda is on the young. look at germany under the reign of hitler. at least, we can be sure, that the "singapore" brand of propaganda aint leading us to wage war and the such. of course, all this history and heritage teaching aint perfect, and leaves a lot to be desired. but at least, we can safely say, that they are pretty much beneficial, if not innocuous.

anyway, will be going home for dinner since it is a holiday. but will be lugging some of my readings home to be completed for tomorrow "making of a nation" tutorial (hm).

went to see the doctor AGAIN yesterday. its a wonder how come everytime i visit the YIH, i always seem to be seeing Dr Victor Loh. but its good, cos its consistent. and so, off i trooped to my FOURTH visit in 3 weeks. i was thinking while sitting in the waiting room, that if i dun get well by this thurday, it would be my 1 month anniversary of me being sick. hm. or its it 3 weeks? i dunno. either way, its been way too long. and i am sick of being sick. i am even sick of complaining here that i am sick. the worries started to creep in again. got a little teary eyed imagining the possibilities of tuberculosis, or lung cancer and that sort of wild imagination crap.

i can get pretty paranoid, really. but dun worry people, its really just all in my head.

anyway, so the doctor decided to give me something new, besides the usual procodin syrup and lozenges (which i have already completed 2 courses of). its a Flixonase aqueous nasal spray! and some tablets of runny nose. he thinks my nose is the problem now. probably too much dust, cause some allergic reaction and the cough. so i took it back to my room and tried it last night. what i had to do, was to stick it up my nose and press to induce a spray that goes up to the back of my nose. it was pretty uncomfortable and it went to the back of my nose, and trickled down to my throat. so i pretty much tasted it as well. it aint sweet that's for sure. so i had to down a couple of mouthfuls of water to clear the horrid taste. ah well. don't think its working yet, cos i am still coughing right now. but i read the disclaimer: take for a few days first, cos it may take some time to take effect. ah well.

hope it will work this time.

and so cos i had to see the doctor, i opted not to go for my retest. because i really saw no point in me taking. i dun think i am as strong as yoke hian, who managed to pass splendidly despite being sick. i was convinced that i would fail the run anyway, and probably do worse. ah well. at night, i was quite glad to hear from alex that he passed the run, and so did yanming. gm also passed his pull ups, cos he fell short of just 1 the last time round. guess that leaves me as the only guy who failed the run. ah well. ha ha! its okay. i am all right with that fact. no need for consolations. its just that i feel, that no amount of excuses, sickness included can justify my dismal performance. in the atheletic world, you have to be the top of your game when the time comes. when the test comes, you either pass it or you fail it. no one has the luxury or the mood to entertain my whimsy complaints.

was thinking of just doing some "semi-retiring" like just tie myself to my bed to prevent me from going for any training, until i fully recover. i never seem to recover in time for the next training, and end up going for the training anyway, only to make my sickness worse. if my sickness were to prolong for a month more (choy!), and it means i have to not train for a month, and thus not able to take part in the next race, then so be it. races are just races i guess. the next one will come. if i am not fit for this one, then i will train until i am fit for the next. it is not a big deal. what's more important for me, is that i be fit enough to train with the team who i care for.

sigh. well, its just a thought. so dun mince too much on my words. but its a scary thought for me. let me be himbotic for a while. for all those muscles i trained so hard for, they are wasting away as i speak! 3 weeks of not training is super super super detrimental to overal fitness and physique. hiaz. i should just freeze myself in cryogenics.

anyway, so yesterday concluded my first day in school. had two lectures. one history and one on public administration. so far, i dun really have a good impression of the lecturers. the best so far is dr krippa. but she's in IR. this sem is PA sem. sigh. but one good thing, is i made a few friends. more like acquaintances for now. one guy in particular, called gabriel. interesting fellow. you see, there are 4 of us (newly acquainted friends) who decided to come together to compile our coursepack because our lecturer is too lazy to do it for us. so we split the workload and headed off to find the materials. and as i was zapping my part, gabriel coincidentally appeared. looks like i am not the only "enthu" student around. so we were zapping our stuff at adjacent photocopy machines, and we struck up some interesting conversations. you know, small talk. but it was the ease at which we were talking to each other that struck me. you know, sometimes, people can get kinda shy when they first meet, wary of revealing too much about themselves. but we both hit off quite well. actually what qualified that statement for me was the fact that his mom is a supervisor at GNC, and he offered to get me stuff at 35% discount! anytime anywhere! OMG! when i heard it, i thought i hit black gold. imagine! 35% discount for anything at GNC! ah hahahahaha!

okay. sorry. when gm or alex sees this, i can so imagine what they will say: the auntie in me has resurfaced. ha ha! but hey! there was a Popular sale at bras basah that ended last sunday, which i was aware of, and i had to plant myself in my room to prevent me from going! so proud of myself. but when yoke told me that TIMES had a warehouse sale at expo that some night, i felt like jumping of the building. ok ok, thats a tad too exaggerated. but i mean, hey! how could i have NOT known that there was a bookstore warehouse sale??? and NOT go??? looks like i have been deprived of the papers for too long. sigh... sigh... sigh...

okay. anyway, so i hope i could meet new friends in political science, cos i really dun have that many friends in PS. its always good to create a network in your field of study. no, i would say its critical to create a network of friends in your field of study. especially, in NUS, cos we dun get regular classmates due to the modular system. we always change classmates from module to module. so i hope to know more people!

okie. i blogged for a good 40 minutes. and the prodin syrup is making me drowsy again and i havent cleared up my room, or read my readings.. or...zzz

hey peepz!

just had my dinner. decided to stay at home the whole day to nurse my cough. i deligently took my medication, had a long nap in the afternoon, and i am still coughing. it is persisting and not letting up. why?! why?! why?! i feel the anger and frustration of want to get well boiling inside of me. its been about 3 weeks now and i am still sick. i hate it. and the fitness test is tomorrow! argh. its hard enough that i have put myself out of action, its even tougher to take a test that i am not prepared for. and the juniors are joining us next week. feel like breaking something.

stress stress stress.

then there is the stress from the fact that school is starting soon. the stress can be exemplified by what happened yesterday. on the night before, mel sent a link to vai, a mutual friend of ours, indicating that there is a lesson on the second of august. she then sent me a message at 3 am, and which i only read at 9 the next morning, asking me if i was going to class. i went online and confirmed that the website for this module clearly indicated that there is a class on the second of august. i reasoned that since there won't be a class the next week, for it will be national day, and that it is a usp class (i never once doubted that the people from usp can be insanely enthusiastic or just insanely mad), there existed the high probability that there IS a class that morning. so i got my poor dad, who is currently suffering from the enlargement of his prostate, to drive me to school. and when i did reach late at 1030, to my relief, there was no class at all. on hindsight, why didn't i just have called the office to check?! so hindsight is indeed 20/20.

and so you can see, how stressed up with anticipation i have become, bordering on the border of obsession and paranoia.

speaking of sight. my right eye just turned red, and is in pain. i dunno why. probably from excessive contact lens wearing. i feel another infection coming on. this time, another eye infection. ARGH!!!!!!!!! and the pimple under my right eye is NOT making things better.

suddenly i seem to have noticed a lot of bad things are happening nowadays. 2 days ago i realised that i lost my provisional driving license again. the next time i buy it, it will cost me fifty dollars instead of twenty five. i searched my room for a tiny slip of paper, which is nowhere to be found. i pray that it will miraculously appear.

just a few days after i thought i cleaned up my room, it has become messy again, and my mom has been pestering me to clean it up before i move my lazy dirty ass to old kr. hiaz.

then 3 days ago, my dad complained of bladder discomfort. then he saw the doctor only in the evening, and was diagnosed with protate enlargement. i was relieved. because in the morning, he kept sweating, and was clearly in pain. the enlared prostate had pressed itself against his uriniary tract which made it really difficult to pee. and all morning, he was speculating whether it was uriniary tract infection or maybe it was prostate cancer. it was not a clam scenario. i was thrown into a fit of panic and wild imagination myself. i kept fussing over him, telling him to stop doing the laundry, to go and see the doctor immediately. furthermore, he has contracted the same cough that currently ais me. i was very worried for him, but had to go to school. i was really relieved when he told me that it was nothing serious when i got home that night.

and just now, my elder brother got home and brazenly announced that he was going to korea for a 6 months immersion program, at my dad's expsense of course. not to make him sound evil, he has some savings and working at the same time. but what got me alitte agitated was that he approached me and asked me to lend him my lap top. i was already kinda pissed at him for making the sudden decision to go korea and now he wants my lap top? luckily i kept silent with all sorts of thoughts crowding my mind. and so he will be departing at the end of this month for further education.

i feel irritated, because, if he leaves, and me staying at old kent ridge, and if my sister does get her accomodation at new kent ridge approved, then there will be no one in the house except my parents. my parents and a big empty house. suddenly i feel ashamed, because i myself have seem to have long abandoned my parents even before my siblings have. abandoned them to seek my own fulfilment at a university like my brother. what sort of son have i become?! and yet, i am well aware of the need to do well in this leg of my life, because my future depends on it.

and the more that i think that my future depends on it, the more i feel frustrated with myself for the continual indulgence in so-called "luxury" activities. one of them being db, another being "whiling my time away" doing "unproductive" activities. not to mention, wasting and throwing my money away into the wind, by spending them on friends, by buying useless stuff like more stationary, or even buying high end luxury goods like caps. things like my 20 dollar nalgene bottle is a class of its own. or even my oakley glasses, or my new second-hand fcuk shirts. argh. suddenly i am growing aware of the wanton materialism that dominates my life. looking at the condition my life now entails, i should be one of them studious china scholars with non-existent fashion sense, cooped up in the room and preparing for the examinations. my life seems to be a rubbish dump in itself, so filled with unnecessary waste. i can even say that this lap top upon which i type is also a luxury good that motivates my sense of shame.

perhaps i am taking this a little too far, but it aint consoling my already wretched emotionl, mental and physical state.

i guess only one word can describe me now: whateva.

and to think that i want to go on a student exchange, this with the knowledge that my sister wants to go too. and now that my brother is also going. and that my dad is retiring in 4 years, and that my mom is working for peanuts. and that i seem to be failing in everything is all sense of the word, constantly reminded by the failure of my second driving test, i seem to have found myself in another deeper level of bad self-esteem.

suddenly, the right things for me to do right now, i just to quit school altogether and start working. maybe i should support my sister's education, like how my father supported my uncle's. looking at the amount of time, energy and money i have already wasted, i seem to have thrown out all sort of justificaiton and qualification why i should be enjoying this sort of lifestyle in the first place.

okay. just realised that my ranting has just degenerating into a self-battering session, i shall just stop now lest i pound fragile inner state into minced meat to be wraped up in a bun and eaten whole by shame and guilt.

two things must be done: get physically well, and get that 4.5 cap at whatever the costs.

hey peepz again!

its kinda late, so i shall make things fast.

forgot to mention that i went on an overnight fishing trip at bedok jetty with 2 of my NS pals, Lin Hui and Ivan. it was really fun. LH caught a crab which died when we drowned it in water, thinking that it was really giving it life. other than that, we din manage to catch anything. i had my first try at flinging the rod. lucky, the hook din catch anyone's mouth, like the one in something about mary. through the night, we just sat and chatted and ate hot soup and marshmellows, and twisties and drank coffee before we headed home. learned a lot of things about nursing from ivan, who is currently studying nursing at nyp. also learnt about stars. wow. thanks man. on our way back, we all ko-ed on the bus and mrt. but it was an experience i would never forget.

moved into old kr today with melvin and jiahe. met his girlfriend, ruishan. nice gal. alex came later and we all attempted to clean up the really filthy room. in the end, we only managed to finish cleaning half the room. the rest will be left for tomorrow. really excited at staying at old kr. really really!

after that, met up with my jc classmates! it was really fun. and great to see them again. some old faces which i had not seen before turned up! we ate at fin! and then at centre stage. as usual, we laughed at ben's ethics. val was really a great and cheery girl. great to see her back from england. and shah, our long lost malay friend. ha ha!

okay. short and sweet. nightz!