hey peepz!
just had my dinner. decided to stay at home the whole day to nurse my cough. i deligently took my medication, had a long nap in the afternoon, and i am still coughing. it is persisting and not letting up. why?! why?! why?! i feel the anger and frustration of want to get well boiling inside of me. its been about 3 weeks now and i am still sick. i hate it. and the fitness test is tomorrow! argh. its hard enough that i have put myself out of action, its even tougher to take a test that i am not prepared for. and the juniors are joining us next week. feel like breaking something.
stress stress stress.
then there is the stress from the fact that school is starting soon. the stress can be exemplified by what happened yesterday. on the night before, mel sent a link to vai, a mutual friend of ours, indicating that there is a lesson on the second of august. she then sent me a message at 3 am, and which i only read at 9 the next morning, asking me if i was going to class. i went online and confirmed that the website for this module clearly indicated that there is a class on the second of august. i reasoned that since there won't be a class the next week, for it will be national day, and that it is a usp class (i never once doubted that the people from usp can be insanely enthusiastic or just insanely mad), there existed the high probability that there IS a class that morning. so i got my poor dad, who is currently suffering from the enlargement of his prostate, to drive me to school. and when i did reach late at 1030, to my relief, there was no class at all. on hindsight, why didn't i just have called the office to check?! so hindsight is indeed 20/20.
and so you can see, how stressed up with anticipation i have become, bordering on the border of obsession and paranoia.
speaking of sight. my right eye just turned red, and is in pain. i dunno why. probably from excessive contact lens wearing. i feel another infection coming on. this time, another eye infection. ARGH!!!!!!!!! and the pimple under my right eye is NOT making things better.
suddenly i seem to have noticed a lot of bad things are happening nowadays. 2 days ago i realised that i lost my provisional driving license again. the next time i buy it, it will cost me fifty dollars instead of twenty five. i searched my room for a tiny slip of paper, which is nowhere to be found. i pray that it will miraculously appear.
just a few days after i thought i cleaned up my room, it has become messy again, and my mom has been pestering me to clean it up before i move my lazy dirty ass to old kr. hiaz.
then 3 days ago, my dad complained of bladder discomfort. then he saw the doctor only in the evening, and was diagnosed with protate enlargement. i was relieved. because in the morning, he kept sweating, and was clearly in pain. the enlared prostate had pressed itself against his uriniary tract which made it really difficult to pee. and all morning, he was speculating whether it was uriniary tract infection or maybe it was prostate cancer. it was not a clam scenario. i was thrown into a fit of panic and wild imagination myself. i kept fussing over him, telling him to stop doing the laundry, to go and see the doctor immediately. furthermore, he has contracted the same cough that currently ais me. i was very worried for him, but had to go to school. i was really relieved when he told me that it was nothing serious when i got home that night.
and just now, my elder brother got home and brazenly announced that he was going to korea for a 6 months immersion program, at my dad's expsense of course. not to make him sound evil, he has some savings and working at the same time. but what got me alitte agitated was that he approached me and asked me to lend him my lap top. i was already kinda pissed at him for making the sudden decision to go korea and now he wants my lap top? luckily i kept silent with all sorts of thoughts crowding my mind. and so he will be departing at the end of this month for further education.
i feel irritated, because, if he leaves, and me staying at old kent ridge, and if my sister does get her accomodation at new kent ridge approved, then there will be no one in the house except my parents. my parents and a big empty house. suddenly i feel ashamed, because i myself have seem to have long abandoned my parents even before my siblings have. abandoned them to seek my own fulfilment at a university like my brother. what sort of son have i become?! and yet, i am well aware of the need to do well in this leg of my life, because my future depends on it.
and the more that i think that my future depends on it, the more i feel frustrated with myself for the continual indulgence in so-called "luxury" activities. one of them being db, another being "whiling my time away" doing "unproductive" activities. not to mention, wasting and throwing my money away into the wind, by spending them on friends, by buying useless stuff like more stationary, or even buying high end luxury goods like caps. things like my 20 dollar nalgene bottle is a class of its own. or even my oakley glasses, or my new second-hand fcuk shirts. argh. suddenly i am growing aware of the wanton materialism that dominates my life. looking at the condition my life now entails, i should be one of them studious china scholars with non-existent fashion sense, cooped up in the room and preparing for the examinations. my life seems to be a rubbish dump in itself, so filled with unnecessary waste. i can even say that this lap top upon which i type is also a luxury good that motivates my sense of shame.
perhaps i am taking this a little too far, but it aint consoling my already wretched emotionl, mental and physical state.
i guess only one word can describe me now: whateva.
and to think that i want to go on a student exchange, this with the knowledge that my sister wants to go too. and now that my brother is also going. and that my dad is retiring in 4 years, and that my mom is working for peanuts. and that i seem to be failing in everything is all sense of the word, constantly reminded by the failure of my second driving test, i seem to have found myself in another deeper level of bad self-esteem.
suddenly, the right things for me to do right now, i just to quit school altogether and start working. maybe i should support my sister's education, like how my father supported my uncle's. looking at the amount of time, energy and money i have already wasted, i seem to have thrown out all sort of justificaiton and qualification why i should be enjoying this sort of lifestyle in the first place.
okay. just realised that my ranting has just degenerating into a self-battering session, i shall just stop now lest i pound fragile inner state into minced meat to be wraped up in a bun and eaten whole by shame and guilt.
two things must be done: get physically well, and get that 4.5 cap at whatever the costs.
just had my dinner. decided to stay at home the whole day to nurse my cough. i deligently took my medication, had a long nap in the afternoon, and i am still coughing. it is persisting and not letting up. why?! why?! why?! i feel the anger and frustration of want to get well boiling inside of me. its been about 3 weeks now and i am still sick. i hate it. and the fitness test is tomorrow! argh. its hard enough that i have put myself out of action, its even tougher to take a test that i am not prepared for. and the juniors are joining us next week. feel like breaking something.
stress stress stress.
then there is the stress from the fact that school is starting soon. the stress can be exemplified by what happened yesterday. on the night before, mel sent a link to vai, a mutual friend of ours, indicating that there is a lesson on the second of august. she then sent me a message at 3 am, and which i only read at 9 the next morning, asking me if i was going to class. i went online and confirmed that the website for this module clearly indicated that there is a class on the second of august. i reasoned that since there won't be a class the next week, for it will be national day, and that it is a usp class (i never once doubted that the people from usp can be insanely enthusiastic or just insanely mad), there existed the high probability that there IS a class that morning. so i got my poor dad, who is currently suffering from the enlargement of his prostate, to drive me to school. and when i did reach late at 1030, to my relief, there was no class at all. on hindsight, why didn't i just have called the office to check?! so hindsight is indeed 20/20.
and so you can see, how stressed up with anticipation i have become, bordering on the border of obsession and paranoia.
speaking of sight. my right eye just turned red, and is in pain. i dunno why. probably from excessive contact lens wearing. i feel another infection coming on. this time, another eye infection. ARGH!!!!!!!!! and the pimple under my right eye is NOT making things better.
suddenly i seem to have noticed a lot of bad things are happening nowadays. 2 days ago i realised that i lost my provisional driving license again. the next time i buy it, it will cost me fifty dollars instead of twenty five. i searched my room for a tiny slip of paper, which is nowhere to be found. i pray that it will miraculously appear.
just a few days after i thought i cleaned up my room, it has become messy again, and my mom has been pestering me to clean it up before i move my lazy dirty ass to old kr. hiaz.
then 3 days ago, my dad complained of bladder discomfort. then he saw the doctor only in the evening, and was diagnosed with protate enlargement. i was relieved. because in the morning, he kept sweating, and was clearly in pain. the enlared prostate had pressed itself against his uriniary tract which made it really difficult to pee. and all morning, he was speculating whether it was uriniary tract infection or maybe it was prostate cancer. it was not a clam scenario. i was thrown into a fit of panic and wild imagination myself. i kept fussing over him, telling him to stop doing the laundry, to go and see the doctor immediately. furthermore, he has contracted the same cough that currently ais me. i was very worried for him, but had to go to school. i was really relieved when he told me that it was nothing serious when i got home that night.
and just now, my elder brother got home and brazenly announced that he was going to korea for a 6 months immersion program, at my dad's expsense of course. not to make him sound evil, he has some savings and working at the same time. but what got me alitte agitated was that he approached me and asked me to lend him my lap top. i was already kinda pissed at him for making the sudden decision to go korea and now he wants my lap top? luckily i kept silent with all sorts of thoughts crowding my mind. and so he will be departing at the end of this month for further education.
i feel irritated, because, if he leaves, and me staying at old kent ridge, and if my sister does get her accomodation at new kent ridge approved, then there will be no one in the house except my parents. my parents and a big empty house. suddenly i feel ashamed, because i myself have seem to have long abandoned my parents even before my siblings have. abandoned them to seek my own fulfilment at a university like my brother. what sort of son have i become?! and yet, i am well aware of the need to do well in this leg of my life, because my future depends on it.
and the more that i think that my future depends on it, the more i feel frustrated with myself for the continual indulgence in so-called "luxury" activities. one of them being db, another being "whiling my time away" doing "unproductive" activities. not to mention, wasting and throwing my money away into the wind, by spending them on friends, by buying useless stuff like more stationary, or even buying high end luxury goods like caps. things like my 20 dollar nalgene bottle is a class of its own. or even my oakley glasses, or my new second-hand fcuk shirts. argh. suddenly i am growing aware of the wanton materialism that dominates my life. looking at the condition my life now entails, i should be one of them studious china scholars with non-existent fashion sense, cooped up in the room and preparing for the examinations. my life seems to be a rubbish dump in itself, so filled with unnecessary waste. i can even say that this lap top upon which i type is also a luxury good that motivates my sense of shame.
perhaps i am taking this a little too far, but it aint consoling my already wretched emotionl, mental and physical state.
i guess only one word can describe me now: whateva.
and to think that i want to go on a student exchange, this with the knowledge that my sister wants to go too. and now that my brother is also going. and that my dad is retiring in 4 years, and that my mom is working for peanuts. and that i seem to be failing in everything is all sense of the word, constantly reminded by the failure of my second driving test, i seem to have found myself in another deeper level of bad self-esteem.
suddenly, the right things for me to do right now, i just to quit school altogether and start working. maybe i should support my sister's education, like how my father supported my uncle's. looking at the amount of time, energy and money i have already wasted, i seem to have thrown out all sort of justificaiton and qualification why i should be enjoying this sort of lifestyle in the first place.
okay. just realised that my ranting has just degenerating into a self-battering session, i shall just stop now lest i pound fragile inner state into minced meat to be wraped up in a bun and eaten whole by shame and guilt.
two things must be done: get physically well, and get that 4.5 cap at whatever the costs.
another savings plan?
i'm not about to tell you the same stuff you told me.. [just going to show you the messages on my mobile.]
there's always an alternative. let's work this out ok?? :)