am typing this knowing there is someone else typing away furiously in pursuit of his happiness. hmz.. and yet i am here hoping some happiness will find its way onto my path for pursuit.
kept thinking of what to do, what needs changing. firstly, my sleeping habits. its 215 and i am still awake, drying my hair. and there is training tomorrow. change is the only constant. that phrase kept ringing in my mind. life is harbinger of change as change is the harbinger of life. i made that one up, think it sounds cool, and its ringing in my head as well.
what needs changing? the flat tire in my car of life, that finds itself stranded and inching backwards on an inclined highway. i am so literary these days. maybe cos i have been devoting my last one week on a theatre studies production in which i offered to be the director. i have to lead 5 other girls. i feel so stressed, cos i find myself shouldering many jobs. maybe cos i feel myself most qualified to do so, maybe cos i am director, maybe cos i just want to do really well for this component. maybe i just want an A plus plus. in the midst of so much estrogen, i feel myself turning into a girl. as if i aint girl/niang/feminine/gay enough as i am already. and this on top of all the estrogen assaults i have had so far. argh. i should just turn transvestite/transgendered/gay/whatever and be done with it already.
and so, i have to deal with this, and an individual presentation and a project and its presentation, and 5 examinations and a competition. its pretty selfish, but i hope i dun get in the main boat, cos i havent been training hard enough. but yet, referring to my last entry, sometimes, the choice is not really mine. the situation as it always has and will probably will for a long time to come, dictates it. still, i delude myself...
and so as my hair dries up, i wonder when i will enter the world of dreams. i always harbored the hope that i could seek refuge in them, but most of them always appear unfamiliar faces and threatening situations, and familiar faces and horrifying situations. the bottom line, the world of dreams is simply a more exaggerated reflection of my world of reality. and boy does it suck.
beginning to see the 4.5 on my board evaporating. beginning to feel demotivated as i struggle to feed myself with motivational quotes. keep the faith, keep the hope, keep the dream. and yet i have indoctrinated myself so much, they cease to hold significant meaning. they become drugs that simply sustain a minimal level of desire to breathe. haha! really, as i read this, the literary exaggerations really do seem to have infiltrated my unconscious thoughts. maybe i should major in literature instead.
missed talking to zx, merv, yx, wy. that period of time, when i dialed off numbers off my head and talked to them for hours. now, i hardly see them or hear them. knowing full well, that our paths have diverged. you can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. am i lonely? not with so many team mates and class mates and room mates. but yet, i feel nothing, just a grateful appreciation.
argh, there i go again, speaking without thinking, typing without conscoius effort to filter my unconscious mind. catharsis -- the purging of pity and guilt. that's from theatre studies. and fare thee well, my friends, for change hangs on the horizon.
kept thinking of what to do, what needs changing. firstly, my sleeping habits. its 215 and i am still awake, drying my hair. and there is training tomorrow. change is the only constant. that phrase kept ringing in my mind. life is harbinger of change as change is the harbinger of life. i made that one up, think it sounds cool, and its ringing in my head as well.
what needs changing? the flat tire in my car of life, that finds itself stranded and inching backwards on an inclined highway. i am so literary these days. maybe cos i have been devoting my last one week on a theatre studies production in which i offered to be the director. i have to lead 5 other girls. i feel so stressed, cos i find myself shouldering many jobs. maybe cos i feel myself most qualified to do so, maybe cos i am director, maybe cos i just want to do really well for this component. maybe i just want an A plus plus. in the midst of so much estrogen, i feel myself turning into a girl. as if i aint girl/niang/feminine/gay enough as i am already. and this on top of all the estrogen assaults i have had so far. argh. i should just turn transvestite/transgendered/gay/whatever and be done with it already.
and so, i have to deal with this, and an individual presentation and a project and its presentation, and 5 examinations and a competition. its pretty selfish, but i hope i dun get in the main boat, cos i havent been training hard enough. but yet, referring to my last entry, sometimes, the choice is not really mine. the situation as it always has and will probably will for a long time to come, dictates it. still, i delude myself...
and so as my hair dries up, i wonder when i will enter the world of dreams. i always harbored the hope that i could seek refuge in them, but most of them always appear unfamiliar faces and threatening situations, and familiar faces and horrifying situations. the bottom line, the world of dreams is simply a more exaggerated reflection of my world of reality. and boy does it suck.
beginning to see the 4.5 on my board evaporating. beginning to feel demotivated as i struggle to feed myself with motivational quotes. keep the faith, keep the hope, keep the dream. and yet i have indoctrinated myself so much, they cease to hold significant meaning. they become drugs that simply sustain a minimal level of desire to breathe. haha! really, as i read this, the literary exaggerations really do seem to have infiltrated my unconscious thoughts. maybe i should major in literature instead.
missed talking to zx, merv, yx, wy. that period of time, when i dialed off numbers off my head and talked to them for hours. now, i hardly see them or hear them. knowing full well, that our paths have diverged. you can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. am i lonely? not with so many team mates and class mates and room mates. but yet, i feel nothing, just a grateful appreciation.
argh, there i go again, speaking without thinking, typing without conscoius effort to filter my unconscious mind. catharsis -- the purging of pity and guilt. that's from theatre studies. and fare thee well, my friends, for change hangs on the horizon.