hey peepz!

i just got back from a field trip from the zoo and the night safari! damn shack! just observed the primates cos my lecturer is a primatologist. but pretty fun!

we had to zip from one point to another though. cos lots to see. lots to learn.

was telling the rest that i want to be able to go there walk through slowly. and take lots of pictures! haha!

after the exams i hope.

that is if i survive the next few weeks. i am telling you. its going to be deadly. and one lazy move means i will be dead.

haha!

survival of the fittest. natural selection. evolution. the wonders of what i learn from this module. i hope i can get an A.

hey peepz.

its time i did a little updating just to let all of you know i am still alive, although barely.

i just had a competition, MR500 at seletar resevoir over the weekend. the team, both the guys and the girls did reasonably well, one gold, two silvers, one bronze, one fourth, one plate first. ah well.

i was part of the bronze, fourth and the plate. think i rowed till i almost died. literally. rowed in 7 races on sunday. i barely had the time to lie on the grass, have my cap over my head, have my mp3 in my ears and just tune out. go down, row, come up, warm down, warm up, go down and row again.

shack? most definitely. but i was glad i had some motivation.

it was a competition with mixed feelings for me. for various various reasons. haha! most of them selfish ones, as usual. (i should take every opportunity to impress upon my readers that i am selfish. haha!) someone said to find a reason why we are all still in the team. i have a reason, but not one that has been strong enough for me. so am i still searching? perhaps. and yet, i may have silently, left the search aside, as i busy myself with academics.

i am not one of much hope for many things. perhaps, least of all, for people. faith, hope, belief. they are still a little beyond my grasp. a little beyond my comprehension. however, that's not to say i do not have any of them.

i am still grateful for a lot of things in life. my family, my friends, and certain especially special people that have crossed my path. i am sorry if i have neglected all of you. i have been rather, preoccupied. hehe.

there are things that have become a little clearer for me. and there are objectives i have decided to undertake to achieve them. and along the way, some things will inevitably be sacrificed, neglected, forgotten. i cannot be greedy. and i cannot give false hopes. i do not seek recognition, i do not seek remembrance, i do not seek others' hopes, dreams and expectations. because i am afraid i would unintentionally fail them all, as i try to fulfill my own dreams.

there are things i was striving for, but now, things have changed. and things will continue to change. the flux is ever fluid, and i must be flexible, lest i bend and break. i must be ready to let everything go at once, only so that i can pick up the necessary pieces.

am i being esoteric? perhaps. but it just means i should just go and bathe and head on to the 24 hour YIH to begin another step at another stab at another futile attempt at 5.0.

be still my heart.

i just concluded. i am a social creature with dominant anti-social tendencies.

wow. the contradictories of life.

i think i can unshamedly, unbashfully, willingly, sincerely, truthfully, unhesistantly, unfeignedly, honestly, frankly and genuinely say that, there is noone, noone, except for that one person in my heart and my parents, more important, significant, essential, crucial, consequential, for whoever i should sacrifice my life, my attention, my time, my passion, my work, my everything in its entire entirety at whatever the cost for, than ME.

when it rains, it pours. that was what happened these few days.

here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.

went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.

went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.

did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.

depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.

and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.

and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.

and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.

its a sunny day, but i am soaked.

hey peepz!

im like finally here.

anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!

i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.

relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.

not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.

makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.

i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.

i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.

progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.

taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.

no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.

i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.

and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.

thanks for the chocs.