hey peepz!

im like finally here.

anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!

i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.

relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.

not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.

makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.

i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.

i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.

progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.

taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.

no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.

i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.

and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.

thanks for the chocs.