just got back from school. totally shack out.
for training, we had interval running around the car park in front of eusoff hall. totally wasted after that. then we had to do 100 pull ups and 30 push ups in between sets.
it was generally a good run for me, because i thought i pushed hard. for the first 2 sets, i came in last among my 3 other seniors, jiahe, justin and emmanuel. cos they pia very hard. then in the third set, i pia very hard, and came in first. i could almost sense the shock of everyone waiting at the start line. even emmanuel and justin were shocked. they commented that i was very sly, like osama bin laden. i mean like huh??? and even jiahe was like "good run, mengchuan" three times. at that point of time, i felt my ego growing. but after a while, on hindsight, i mean, do i warrant such comments in the first place? its like i was expected not to beat them. its a surprise that i beat them. its a calamity. was i some lowly junior who was destined to run slower than a senior? and furthermore, it was just that one run, which i suddenly felt like running faster, thats all. who told them to put in all their effort in the first two runs? i had not intention of beating them for the sake of glory or reputation or all that crap. i just felt like running faster, and the responses i got were a little, hmm.. i dunno, uncalled for? it is a little depressing come to think of it all. in the fourth run i came in like behind them again because i knew i had totally given it all in the last one.
maybe i read too much into things. but it will definitely be depressing if it was true about me being some piece of thing that is seen as a nobody by my seniors.
is it an issue? i mean some of my friends have commented on the nonchalance, or frosty attitudes of some of the seniors towards the juniors. if they aren't cold, some of them are just bitter and caustic, if not their remarks, their outward behaviours. frankly, personally, i cannot say i have any affinity to any of the seniors. however, some seniors are definitely more approachable than others, like marcus, johnny and jiahe. the rest, seriously, i dun have much of a wonderful impression. i am sure they are great, nice, fun-loving people. but not to me.
all in all, its not like it bothers me, because i would rather stick with my buddies and pals, who all happen to be juniors by chance. i am just grateful for these brothers. although it would be nice if the seniors could acknowledge me once in a while.
work is piling up. i dunno if i am regretting taking the physics module yet. cos almost everyone has sufficient science background to flaunt their knowledge by enthusiastically splurting out never before heard formulas. i am just tabula rasa (a new word i learn): a clean slate, ie. empty. i like learning new things, but i am beginning to grasp and accept the impossibility of a grade anyway near the revered A. the worst thing is i cannot S/U it. ah well. that's life i guess, dealing and competing with people who are a cut above you, who are more equipped with the knowleges, who are well prepared, or who are geniuses, all either through their own deligent labour or Fortune's blessings.
it is a vicious cycle, this thing called low self-esteem. first you start bemoaning your lack of intellectual capacity; then you start bewailing your ugly reflection in the mirror; then you begin wishing that you are filthy rich like that girl who drives the pink volkswagen beetle whose interiors was totally furnished pink, which i saw at the carpark while running; you start... ah well, you get the picture. for me, its a struggle trying to count my blessings in this depressed state of mind. its just downright saddening.
all i know, is that your lot in life is just a miserable as the the person next to you, because everyone simply is not satisfied with the status quo. but the good thing about me, that i can be proud of, if that i work hard to improve the status quo. all that years of reading self-improvement books have indeed contributed to the ingraining of the need to just keep trying, pushing, working and improving. because at the end of the day, no matter how bad the day has been, no matter how horrible the hand life has dealt you with, no matter how belittling you see yourself as, after a good nights rest, its always a new day afresh, to live the life you want it to. its a new opportunity to try again.
the sun will come up, tomorrow. tomorrow i try again.
for training, we had interval running around the car park in front of eusoff hall. totally wasted after that. then we had to do 100 pull ups and 30 push ups in between sets.
it was generally a good run for me, because i thought i pushed hard. for the first 2 sets, i came in last among my 3 other seniors, jiahe, justin and emmanuel. cos they pia very hard. then in the third set, i pia very hard, and came in first. i could almost sense the shock of everyone waiting at the start line. even emmanuel and justin were shocked. they commented that i was very sly, like osama bin laden. i mean like huh??? and even jiahe was like "good run, mengchuan" three times. at that point of time, i felt my ego growing. but after a while, on hindsight, i mean, do i warrant such comments in the first place? its like i was expected not to beat them. its a surprise that i beat them. its a calamity. was i some lowly junior who was destined to run slower than a senior? and furthermore, it was just that one run, which i suddenly felt like running faster, thats all. who told them to put in all their effort in the first two runs? i had not intention of beating them for the sake of glory or reputation or all that crap. i just felt like running faster, and the responses i got were a little, hmm.. i dunno, uncalled for? it is a little depressing come to think of it all. in the fourth run i came in like behind them again because i knew i had totally given it all in the last one.
maybe i read too much into things. but it will definitely be depressing if it was true about me being some piece of thing that is seen as a nobody by my seniors.
is it an issue? i mean some of my friends have commented on the nonchalance, or frosty attitudes of some of the seniors towards the juniors. if they aren't cold, some of them are just bitter and caustic, if not their remarks, their outward behaviours. frankly, personally, i cannot say i have any affinity to any of the seniors. however, some seniors are definitely more approachable than others, like marcus, johnny and jiahe. the rest, seriously, i dun have much of a wonderful impression. i am sure they are great, nice, fun-loving people. but not to me.
all in all, its not like it bothers me, because i would rather stick with my buddies and pals, who all happen to be juniors by chance. i am just grateful for these brothers. although it would be nice if the seniors could acknowledge me once in a while.
work is piling up. i dunno if i am regretting taking the physics module yet. cos almost everyone has sufficient science background to flaunt their knowledge by enthusiastically splurting out never before heard formulas. i am just tabula rasa (a new word i learn): a clean slate, ie. empty. i like learning new things, but i am beginning to grasp and accept the impossibility of a grade anyway near the revered A. the worst thing is i cannot S/U it. ah well. that's life i guess, dealing and competing with people who are a cut above you, who are more equipped with the knowleges, who are well prepared, or who are geniuses, all either through their own deligent labour or Fortune's blessings.
it is a vicious cycle, this thing called low self-esteem. first you start bemoaning your lack of intellectual capacity; then you start bewailing your ugly reflection in the mirror; then you begin wishing that you are filthy rich like that girl who drives the pink volkswagen beetle whose interiors was totally furnished pink, which i saw at the carpark while running; you start... ah well, you get the picture. for me, its a struggle trying to count my blessings in this depressed state of mind. its just downright saddening.
all i know, is that your lot in life is just a miserable as the the person next to you, because everyone simply is not satisfied with the status quo. but the good thing about me, that i can be proud of, if that i work hard to improve the status quo. all that years of reading self-improvement books have indeed contributed to the ingraining of the need to just keep trying, pushing, working and improving. because at the end of the day, no matter how bad the day has been, no matter how horrible the hand life has dealt you with, no matter how belittling you see yourself as, after a good nights rest, its always a new day afresh, to live the life you want it to. its a new opportunity to try again.
the sun will come up, tomorrow. tomorrow i try again.