i decided to sit at the computer and wait for the technical turn out. do you what it feels like, wait for something you know its coming? its some sort of impending doom. like death. like exams. its terrible. was checking my ivle and the lecture notes and the familiar formats of test and quiz outlines, of assignments, of term papers, of group projects, have all started to appear. suddenly, the world seems to weigh on me. sigh. more stress.

yesterday could be considered as another "the most miserable day of my life." basically, i failed my driving test, i got into an argument, someone indirectly insinuated something about me and i fell sick. on the day of the db bbq. wow. great. yippe ai yeah.

i spent the entire evening contemplating about life, about myself. you know, its like the moment you strike curb, everything seemed to go wrong, everything goes down hill. much like the moment something undermines your self-esteem, you get swept up in to a downward spiral of negative thoughts and self-bashing, of self-deflating. you know, the proverbial "fighting your inner monsters." unfortunately, i kinda lost last night. heh.

to think, all these years of reading motivational and self-help books, i still get beaten by external circumstances and internal attacks. its a helpless feeling, and worse. no one can help me. only myself. and i was helpless.

sigh. after reading gm's blog about the bbq, suddenly i regretted not going. i could have felt better in the company of friends, all having fun together. but i did not want to get more sick than i already was, and besides, i have technical recall.

on the bright side, i finished printing the notes for the first usp lessons.