my friend just sent me this anti-fur video clip. its gross. its disgusting. shall i tell you all about it?
warning: this is absolutely NOT for the faint hearted.

so the first scene shows the "live" video tape at some tannery in china. so you see these upclose shots of some cute raccoon-like bear. then zoom out, you see one furry body writhing on the dusty ground. a man enters and opens the cage and grabs of the bear. the bear clings for dear life onto the cage but the man easily pulls it away. he holds the bear by the hindlegs. the bear's fore limbs flailing helplessly as if trying to reach for the ground. suddenly the bear is flung high into the sky and in a split second, changes velocity and heads groundward like it asked for so desperately. the head and the dusty ground meet in a combustion of dust and silent screams. and before the bear could try to grasp the ground, it sees blue sky again and then brown earth. it is rendered semi conscious in 2 to 3 flings. the man lets it lie on the ground. it trembles, but unable to get onto its feet, immobilized.

second scene. the bear is breathing, heaving; its eyes lids sporadically blinking. is it crying? we have no time to contemplate, because the same man reappears with a hand axe in his grasp. he drags the poor creature a distance, and proceeds to chop off its paws. one by one, while the bear continues to struggle. in another matter of seconds, the bear is seen writhing, now, pawless, blood flowing like red honey from hollowed limbs. the same watery eyes are captured by the camera.

third scene. the man now holds a dirge and starts to cut the bear from its anus. tearing and ripping the animal like how we open a milo packet. the red streak grows bigger and spreads further. the man makes more slits along the pawless limbs. the animal is still struggling, only less. it is silent and unable to scream, save some soft desperate cries for its own god... its prayers are arrested by blood and pain.

forth scene. the bear is strung up. the man tugs at the fur. the fur begins peeling from top down, like a banana, revealing the bloody body. the fur comes off slowly in one big piece, like a shirt. down form the animal's buttocks, to the neck. now, it hangs around its neck, a garment of fur, refusing to detach. the man tugs even harder. finally the last skin of fur is ripped from its face, displaying a sallowed, maroon, dripping head. its watery eyes, disappeard in a waterfall of blood. the eyes, before black, are drenched in red.

fifth scene. the skinless body is flung into a barrow, with all its other bloody compatriots, whose prayers too have gone unheard. the bear continues to writhe. it rears its head up, struggles to stand on powerless limbs. it holds its head up for 3 seconds before it gives up and falls back, head hanging, body writhing, barely breathing.

sixth scene. a picture of a sexy lady whose overflowing bosoms are barely restrained by a lush jacket of fur.

seventh scene. "stop buying fur."

oh, and this same process goes on for quite a few more animals.

16 minutes of torturous footage. was quite stunned and shaken. my head is pounding, aching. well, i hearby declare myself anti-fur.

whenever i see a dog, i will think of the video clip. and to myself thank god, that this one is not skinned by a skinner somewhere in china.

hey peepz! yes i am still awake. but not because i was studying my ass off. i was doing a research that required me to talk about a new technology / invention that popped out of laboratories within the last 6 months. As i am a techno-idiot and am kinda of anti-science ever since secondary school (and esp. since the physics test, i have sworn off physics), i could not understand most of the articles, some like personal fabrication (har?), hybrid technology (har?). so in the end, i opted for something thats closer to the heart. or rather to the balls. literally. i chose an article on a "sperm magnet" that could cure infertility.

i chose that because its bio, and i understand bio better than i do physics or "cold, hard technology." i am afterall a living, organic being, and not a mechanical monster. actually i dun really know why i chose it. probably cos its 1 in the morning, i am tired from training, and desperate for sleep.

however, the article got me thinking. infertility eh? and then i wondered what it means to be infertile. what if i am infertile? well, its kinda of a really personal issue i guess. i know for sure i dun have erectile dysfunction. but that may or may not mean i am biologically fertile right? unless i have impregnated any of the last 100 non-existent women i ever slept with. what if i got married and want kids, and when i am like 30 or 40, realise for the first time (yes, i am a virgin, and want to remain one until i marry thank you very much) that i cannot produce kids. oh dear. thats like a daunting thought (and even if i do ever infringe the no pre-marital sex rule, i definitely do not want to impregnate her). so at the end of the day, my question is how do i know i am fertile or not? how do i know i am a gun shooting empty bullets?

okay. i am rambling. i guess when 20 years down the road of marriage and trying it for everynight for 20 years, and my wife and i still dun have a child, i guess it would be safe then to conclude that i am probably infertile. haha!!!

ah well, just pray i can do a better job with this round of presentation i guess. okay. night!

decided to blog and expurge inner frustration before i set off on another long trek into the centre of the world of utter desolation called books.

first. i was very irritated by my mom. you see, my mom works in this pharmateutical company called Baxter. it is an american company and was rich enough to hand out scholarships and bursaries for the children of the employees. so one day, my sister came up to me in school and asked me to fill in application form. i was very surprised. at first i did not know what it was. but when i realise it was a form for a scholarship, i was already quite irritated. i have filled up such forms before in a vain attempt to convince high flyers that run big MNCs that my 'A' level grades of AABB, and my lacklustre cca record was worth that 10 seconds of their time to even look at the fom. And all these forms individually need 1 to 2 hours of filling up/justification/essay writing just to get completed. and this form from my mother was of no exception. so i hastily filled up the form half-heartedly. mind you, i only filled up the blanks that required direct information like my name and address. there was this part which asked me questions like "what exceptional events have influenced you... blah blah blah." and i gave it back.
then today, my mom called again and insisted that i fill up another form because i had 'doctor's handwriting' and i needed an appraisal. an APPRAISAL???!!!! ie. that means i need to get an NUS lecturer to write a report saying what a wonderful student i am. question. how many lecturers teach you directly? me? 2 so far who bothers to remember my name. 1 is mr nerney (refer to my previous blog on how i hate him) and 2 my physics tutor (refer to my previous blog on how i hate him too). so there. 2 tutors who know me by name simply because i was a terrible student. how am i supposed to get an appraisal? i detest even to ask them for anything. furthermore, i have no time and have no intention of making the time to approach them personally to request for this. and when i tried persuading my mom how i am not able to get an appraisal, she insisted that i try. "mom, i have bad grades." "go try." "no lecturer is going to give me an appraisal." "go try." "mom, i dun want to do this." "go and try." ARGH! i was at the photocopying room in the central library. i think i attracted a lot of attention. i was so pissed. but its my mom. my energy was so drained. i just sulked and agreed to everything that she was telling me. "just ask your professor. must try. dun say you dun want to try. dun say you dun have time."

have your parents forced you to do things that you never liked doing? probably a billion times. have you argued with your parents over things you refuse to do? probably another billion times.
i am probably going to have to go through this one more time.
i am going to hell for being the unfilial son that i am.

second. went to the diam chrysler workshop today. cool place. hydrogen fuel cell cars. learnt alot today. maybe by the time i can afford a car, i might want to consider this. right now, hydrogen fuel sells at $25 per kg. the car runs 120km on 1.8kg. mel says travelling from bedok to clementi and back is 120km. how much do you have to pay per day? go figure. the guy at the workshop says that hydrogen fuel cell cars will probably substitute petroleum-run cars when fuel prices are as high. i was thinking, when they become that high, i would not even bother about getting one at all.

three. typed a long paragraph bitching about my physics tutor. decided to take it off. dun want to bitch no more.

four. training is tough. i have to date 5 blisters, 2 gashes and one almost broken thumb because i hit the gunrail one too many times. going to do the same thing, if not tougher again tomorrow. pray that i live to finish my assignments. oh but i cant really complain, PQ's ones are worst. you should see it. he describes his blisters as "juicy". and yes, they look like juicy peaches. only, that you dun want to bite into them.

five. i want to say again, that its not that i dun like the flower that julianna gave me. its just that the fact that someone would give me a flower because she was on a dare, just made me feel such a loser. that i could only get something in that context. but i like the flower, cos if there's anything to feel comfortable about, at least i got a flower right? i hung it to dry in my room. I mean, its nice that julianna could approach me even if on a dare. it means i am approachable right? haha!! nice enough at least, right? it means i am not a gone case right? i think, when PQ reads this, he is going to tell me not to delude myself. haha!!!
on a more macabre note, it reminds me of beauty and the beast, waiting for that kiss before the last petal drops, waiting for her before i die. haha!!! how romantic.

i realise that i only get enough inspiration to blog after reading a few of my favourite blogs of my closest friends. haha!!! wierd.

anyway. yeah. happy v day everyone. it was generally good. good moments and bad moments. happy moments and lonely moments. ah well you get the picture. spent it off studying with alex and my books... ooo... so romantic, then having a midnight run with gm. ooo... so romantic. then gm and i were sitting under the stars all sweaty and half naked... ooo... so romantic... talking about his favourite topic (again), girls. ah well. what to do. the topic is so much more apt for two guys on a lonely valentines day. ooo... so romantic. so how was everyone's v day? back in the good o' days of raffles boys school, valentines days is always replaced by 'friendship day'. wah... so corny. missed this one time when zx gave all of us bookmarks made out of transparency and using our names as acronyms for adjectives. how memorable. still have it stashed somewhere in my treasure chest. and then when you go into uni, it seems almost a sin to buy a gift for someone of the same sex. oh, this only applies to guys. the girls were all happily giving away sweets and flowers to other girls AND guy friends. single, unattached guys can only wish they have someone to give it to. well, for me to give anything to my guy friends is a cardinal sin. and besides, i have no cash.

oh i got a rose though, from this DB girl called julianna. dun get all excited just yet. she basically rushed in front of me and said very very very discretely and very very very secretively, that she was being dared to give this flower to the nearest guy her friend saw. i just happened to be a familiar face. stunned. touched that i was actually given a rose. but all that quickly degenerated to a sort of loathing after realising the meaning behind it. ah well. then i got to take a picture with wenya, another DB gal, who was basically dared to take 36 pictures with 36 different guys. hmm... i guess thats probably the closest thing i could ever get to a romantic encounter. a picture with a total stranger. haha!!! wonderful v day. the only thing i was kinda glad about was that i was able to parade about and show off to everyone that i have this rose. it means, someone gave it to me, which means i am not all that gone case.

still, not forgetting the tradition from my all-guys school, i want to wish all my friends a very happy valentines and happy friendship day.

heya guys! its 230 in the morning and i have training in 8 hours. wow.

anyway, never thought ktv was that fun and that that funny. went to party world at somerset with jason, teddy, jiahe, dr melvin, guomin, alex, melvin, poqin and xiangyi. we sang from 11 to 3. wow. at the end of it all, it was kinda of an eye opener. dr melvin is a damn zai singer lor. if he sings those ballads to the girls, i am sure they will faint. haha!!! jiahe was kinda shy. only sang 2 songs. po qin worse. only sang one song. sun yan zi's wo men the ai. he's okay. po! you always talk so much, but come to singing diam diam one. how can? where's the confidence? where the thick skin? you are going to be a lawyer, so you better start singing like a lawyer. unless you are going to make us pay for every dollar-worthy word that comes out of your mouth, in which case, go ahead and spend 16 dollars in a ktv and not sing. haha!!!
jason is such a rocker, and he can go on and on and on and on. xiangyi also. my voice was like gone after the first song. teddy was really sporting too! he sings like a tenor, like pavarotti, only more hip. haha!!! and melvin can really sing too! so impressed by his rendition of liangzi's zi yue. well, whoever can enunciate the words quick enough is always impressive. well done!

okay okay. i gtg sleep now... training... zzz... dun want to sleep in the boat.

night peepz! oh. and happy fourth day of the new year!

happy chinese new year peepz!!! i hope everyone has their ample share of red pakets and ba kwa and all sort of sweet and fattening goodies!!! haha!!!

went over to my grandma's yesterday for my reunion dinner. my uncle and aunt were there too. however my mom decided to visit her mom in malaysia, so our family runion dinner aint that all complete. but ah well. its not like it is a bad thing. my other grandmother over in Kedah is aging, so i understand my mom's desire to visit her. well, my paternal grandmother seemed well yesterday, and i am very happy. she did not complain about her poor health nor nag at my brother about his yellowing teeth, nor ask why i did not major in accounting. it was a very nice and pleasant gathering. and i was very pleased.

one wierd thing for me was that, because i had been staying in the hostel for about 2 weeks now, without going home even once, i felt very happy when i saw my dad and my brother. its like i missed seeing them, even if it was for 2 weeks. i wont say much about my sister cos i see her almost everyday. it was a little funny. cos i imagined that this would be the sort of feeling for future gatherings when the children have all grown their wings and flown away to set our new nests away from the home we grew up in, and meeting only 3 or 4 times a year on special occasions.

so today, on chinese new year, my dad had to work and my mom is still in malaysia. so left the three children to fend for themselves. all i did the whole day was to do what i usually do every year on chinese new year, eat, sleep and watch television. haha!! how productive. this is because i have no relatives to visit and most of the shops are closed and i presume all my friends have their own relatives to visit.

its a good break from all work though. i refused to think about work, even though the thought that all this pile of work still exists and remain there for me to clear is till at the back of my mind. and i got a few panic attacks throughout the day. a clear sign that i am a workaholic who just cannot relax. haha!!

anyway, on days like these, i usually become nostalgic and do nostalgic stuff, like go through my old stuff, or read my diary. today, i watched this cartoon series i have since about 4 years ago. no, its not transformers, unfortunately. its this anime called FRUITS BASKET. its about an orphaned girl who got to associate with this family whose members are cursed by the spirits of the chinese zodiac. they change into animals when they get hugged by the opposite sex. i love the show. i watched from the first to the almost last episodes (i lost the last vcd) and i cant help feeling so heart warming. for some of you who know the show, i know the show is very "girl" (japanese anime and manga are stereotypically divided into those for 'girls' and those for 'guys'. very sexist i know) but its really a very humourous show about relationships, and being accepted by others, and opening up to others. its about love and how one should handle it. its really good. i love the soundtrack especially. i am not afraid to admit it, but it is one of the rare cartoons that got me crying no matter how many times i watched it.

there are two episodes especially that i love. basically, all these people who have the curse (they turn into animals) are excluded from love and social life. and they all yearn to be accepted by "normal" people, to play with them, to have relationships with them. the show brings out their agonies and sadness. until this girl called HONDA TOHRU comes into their life. she is the innocent, sweet, blur, undiscriminating, earnest and oh so cute protagonist who changes their lives by accepting them and enthusiastically wishes to know them. she becomes their beacon of hope and comfort in a world where they are shunned and excluded. there is one episode where Hatori, the cold unfeeling doctor was moved by his assistant, Kana (who was unaware of the curse) and inevitably they fall in love. he discribed her as the 'warm spring breeze' who melted the snow in his heart and 'ten years of happiness had come all at once.' it was a beautiful romance. and this was despite her eventual discovery that he turns into a sea horse (in japan, the sea horse is a representation of the dragon) but she accepted him for she loved him and she wanted him to accept her as well. this was a big and moving moment in the show. until of course, the head of the family, Akito, a miserable, terrible bully (dun ask why, he just was) objected to their marriage and blamed kana for her inability to life the curse. he broke a vase and the fragments blinded one of Hatori's eye and Akito blamed Kana for that too. in the end, Kana got very ill for she blamed herself for everything. then Akito convinced Hatori to erase her memory (Hatori had the ability to erase memory. dun ask why, he just had it), for what was making her ill, was the memory and love she had for him. then there was this scene of snow falling, then both Hatori and Kana were alone in a room, crying and sad, as Hatori erased her memory. she was crying and said, "i am sorry i could not protect you", and as Hatori, at the moment when he zapped her memory, teared and said "i am sorry i could not protect us", then the background music seemed to be the saddest thing you would have ever heard in your life.
of course, i cried. and my nose ran. and felt soo damn sad.
if you were to watch the show, watch it for this scene. i guarantee you, the girls will cry buckets and the guys, if you have any feelings at all, will surely tear.

i will tell you guys the other episode another time.

hey peepz! am in school now, waiting for my project mate meiling, who has gone home. we are going to pia (sounds sooooo wrong) our project. sigh. our presentation is like tomorrow and we are not even half way there, despite having met for 4 times and discussed and debated and talked and laughed. sigh.

she went for bible study, then needed to go home and get her indonesian maid to vet her bahasa indonesia essay. then she is going to come back and bunk at her gal friend's place at raffles hall. and i am going to raffles hall and go into the same room with her. woo hoo!!! its like a fantasy come true. only we are going to discuss about our presentation. haha!!! i declare that this is going to be the closest thing i will ever do in terms of getting intimate with somebody of the opposite sex. oh, and the door is going to be open.

anyway, that is not the main thing i want to complain about. i want to complain about my project. here's the question:

Give a presentation/write a paper on the relationship between religion, rationalism and political ideology. Explain how each of these three empower nationalism and why ideology is considered to be vital to the effective use of political power in the long-term.

the question is damn hard lor. the question is really a sum of three questions. meiling and i could not get past even the first term "rationalism". sigh. the terms themselves are in fact vague and so difficult to specify. we had a plan last night and wanted our professor to vet, but he refused on the basis that it was not fair to the rest of the presenters, that we had his help, but not the rest. i understand where he is coming from. but i think he is just lazy. haha!!!

so, we have this 2 year 1s, meiling and i, lost amidst a sea of year 2s and 3s, totally confused and panicky. sigh. and there is no such thing as year 1s get a little more leniency. its like the adult society. its not about seniority. its about ability. either you are good, or not, year 1s, 2s, or 5s. and everyone gets marked on the same scale, on the same bell curve. crap.
and this is the same for 3 of my other modules. this sem is so screwed. i am going to get like a 2.5. i am going to have to quit dragonboat. i am going to be asked to leave usp. i am so screwed. and i sound like a himbo. haha!!! outlet, outlet. gimme a chance to whine. again. haha!!!

anyway, i will blog again tomorrow once my 20 minutes to infamy ends and whine somemore.

ciao!

hey peez. felt another urge to just blog.

just finished my how technologies work and uncertainty tutorial. quite aride within thouse four hours. i was quite depressed cos i was deemed very noisy. haha!! felt so ostracised. felt so stupid. felt as if every word i spoke, every question i asked was simply a reflection of my non existing intelligence. sigh. it makes me wonder if i have become one of those kind of people. you know the sort who are always perpetually alone. the sort who has been judged dumb even before i think. the sort who do not even have the right to speak, the right to be there, the right to breathe. a tropical Mr. Bean. but even dumber, and more worthless. what am i doing in usp? what am i doing in nus? what am i doing on this earth? its a crushing feeling. to be excluded. its bad being excluded by friends. but to be excluded by strangers. they seem so non chalent about you, if fact, they detest you. your being is toxic, a nuisance, a bother. just shut up.

yeah, that sort of feeling lasted for a good forty five minutes. its was bad. thought i should have just exploded there and then and perish and disappear into the oblivion that everyone wishes all the politicians and ex-lovers go to.

actually, i was more worried that i have gotten into the bad books of my professor. i can so see my class participation points fading out and re-emerging as a negative number. sigh. he hates me. they hate me. the world hates me. i should just lock myself up in a room and rot.

sigh. now i need to work harder. and try to appear smarter.

sorry for this entry being so negative. its just not me. i just need an outlet to purge. sorry that i have to vomit all this nonsense on everyone. now, i feel like i need to take a bath, cos i stink of negativity.

its another bad day. thats all.

just felt like blogging right now, since i am still waiting for my hair to dry.
was hoping that naruto, my favourite anime would be broadcasted in japan today, so i could then download the latest episode over the night. but thats going to happen only tomorrow. so now, i am downloading the theme songs into my new lap top. i am so happy, cos i am enjoying my favourite theme song. cant wait to watch the next episode.

okay. sorry. the urge to type has just left me. just want to say hi to all of you i guess.

oh. yeah. not talking does not mean stopped loving. yeah.

good day everybody.

heya peepz! i just moved into Prince George's Park (PGP) at nus. yeah!!! i am so happy. it has always been my intention to move into this quiet, quaint hostel since school started. i din not want to stay in semester 1 because i wanted to take my driving lessons. AND with the intention of PASSING, so that i could actually DRIVE my things into my new room. ah well, dreams shatter when you fail a driving test.

still, i am beginning to like my room, even though its only on the second floor, and the only view i have is the other blocks. and even if its the other blocks, the girls keep their blinds down and the guys are just happy enough to walk around the room half naked. not that i want to see half naked guys. i mean, they are all mostly scrawny chinese scholars. talk about eye candy. i rather just keep my own blinds down. and stare at the mirror. *eeeeewwww.* narcissist. and not that i am that good looking either.

talking about looks. its just interesting to see how so many of my friends tell me about their experiences of being picked up. only that my friends are guys, and they get picked up by other guys. another *eeeeeeewwwwww.* its just plain humourous la okay. PQ, Melvin Keng, Alex Lim. sigh. i wont go into details. usually when any of my friends recall their horrifying experiences, i always joke and complain why no guy want to pick ME up. okay. firstly, i cannot compare how ugly looking i am to the rest of my handsome/hunky/good looking/gay-attracting friends. i humbly accept this sad fact that i will carry, no, wear with me for the rest of my entire life. look, even GM got head hunted by a modelling agency along orchard road. i feel left out. Oh and secondly, not that i want to be picked up by men. its just that, how i wish some non-biased, total stranger will just approach me and comment on how attractive i am. haha!!! i feel so vain. but at the same time, i feel a little hollowness in my self-esteem. i am just human. and every human wants to be acknowledged of their beauty, either the inside or the outside. ah well. just another wishful thinking, another futile fantasy.

does anyone want to hear anymore whining? okay here's more. i am breaking out. i have another two more PIMPLES. oh.... how i hate those yellow little pus filled icky sickening goo. its painful and it focuses all my ugliness into this one big, obvious and obnoxious dot. oh god of appearances and all things beautiful, please spare me of the agony. have i done anything wrong??? i swear i will buy more beauty products to appease your anger! if body shop is not enough, i will upgrade to biotherm! i swear! just make them go away! make them go away! i know i have not been applying toner! i will get one tomorrow! please just dun let me have an outbreak!!!! cant' believe how dramatic i can get with pimples.

anyway, my best friends in DB are all complaining about how they will never get the nus jacket, which i heard is very ugly. its just making me a little worried. cos i was not concerned at all about it. i know my friends will suan me and say i will make it and all. but the truth is, the notion of whether or not i will ever get the jacket has not made such a big impact on me. i think something is wrong with me. i think i got my values wrong. but i concluded that what i think are more worthwhile, others might disagree. and vice versa. all i know, i am just going to go out there and do my best, plus a little bit more extra. i believe as long as you do your best, that's all it counts. if at the end of the day, the jacket is out of your grasp, it only means you have to work a bit longer before you get it. will i be disappointed if i dun get it? you bet i will, but i know i wont complain about it, and just work harder. okay, maybe i will just go to my bed and cry for one night but that will the most i will allow myself to wallow in the pit of self pity.

a second person called me "insensitive" today. shocked. sigh. i guess after so long, i am still as blind as a bat, and as borish as a pig. i thought i would have made some improvement since the last the time the first person labelled me such. but i guess i am wrong. apparently i dismissed someone's accomplishments this one time. i really did not know. sigh. its kind of ironic, because i was telling a friend that our mutual friend needs to do some introspection, and that he should not be so hyper sensitive. it looks like i may need to do a lot more of introspection myself and be more sensitive. well, thanks for the frank feedback buddy. its things like these that are required to shock you out of the comfort zone and think twice about a situation you have always thought was going well. it may turn out that you may have deluded yourself while wearing your own tinted sunglasses. i hope i will get more of such feedback in the future. put across in a constructive and nice way of course, lest you break my fragile heart.

i dun need a social life. i have one right here and i am going to fix it.

but first i am going to sleep. so i will fix it tomorrow.