hey peepz!

mel said that its been a long time since i blogged, so here i am blogging again.

maybe cos i have been sick for a very long time, so not much mood to go and blog. hiaz. been sick since the time i failed my driving test. gm said, guess you will be sick for a very long time, implying, that i prob wont pass my driving test anytime in the near future. saw 2 doctors liao. yokes probably right. i aint taking good care of myself...
everytime i get so bored of staying cooped up at home, i go out, thinking that i am already well, only to fall sick again halfway through.

today's training was quite tough for me. i felt really tired and slept before training started. i thought i was okay, but running back from the esplanade was a real torture. i kept pushing, and telling myself i could do it, and that i should not let my team mates down who kept encouraging and pushing my all the way. but towards the last 1 kilometre, i simply gave up and fell back. i saw my teammates carrying on their race against themselves, while i simply decided to let go. noel, my vc was so super encouraging. he wrapped his hands around my waist in order to push me. and i felt really grateful for his words and support. a little embarrassed though, because i am not really so accustomed to having someone pushing me all the way. a little disappointed with myself too, that i decided to give up. and at the end i simply collapsed on the ground, heaving like some dying sheep. very unglam. very unbecoming of me. realised that i was beating myself in my thoughts. not because the others ran faster than me. i aint that competitive. just sad that i actually consciously gave up half way. i hate giving myself up. but that can also be a bane, because sometimes, i fail to weigh my own abilities and push myself too hard, till i crash and burn.

like on thursday's training. After the run and the statics, I simply ko-ed. Halfway while walking up the stairs to the gym, I kinda blacked out. I laid myself outside looking up the ceiling, thinking that I was going to die. I reminded me of my first day at training, when I kind of blacked out too. Sighz. Marcus got alex to stay with me. So alex did his statics while I just lied there. Thought I was quite a funny sight, cos in some distance, a bunch of nussu people were clearing up after the matric fair. I just laid there and watched a guy push about a girl on a wheeled trolley. Hm.

So, anyway, I after today, I thought my fitness was going on a down hill. Its funny, cos I rememebered saying I want to get stronger than the incoming juniors, and one more week before they get their first taste of training, and I am like, down and out. Sigh. Its like the more I want something, the more they moved out beyond my reach. Like my driving licence. Oh no! I am aiming for a 4.5 this sem! Last sem I aimed for 5.0 and I got like what 3.9. and what will happen to me this sem??!! I am growing paranoid. I have set my sights, and am willing to go the distance, so why does fate always seem to put all these sort of obstacles in my way? Maybe it’s a spiritual test. Or maybe its just retribution. Ah well.

Gm keeps saying I should get a make over. You know, thin your hair here, dye your hair there, get some spanking new clothes, and I could “rock” arts. Hmm. Its every guys wish to look cool and funky, regardless of their looks (read mine: ugly), so why not? For me, its just the finances. I simply do not have the money. All my money, goes into fetishes like blindly photocopying notes that I wont read, and buying more books that I wont touch. Hm. Okay. I guess that does put another interesting perspective on my life. Maybe I should pay more attention to my looks. The real world does run on impressions. I just dun understand the need to put BOTH hair wax AND hair spray just to keep my hair standing on its ends for half a day. ah well. There are many mysteries to be solved.

I still remember my resolution to make nerds look cool. Hm. Dun think I am doing such a great job as yet.

The water session was quite torturous for me. The weather was really scorching. My breathing was really shallow. Everytime we completed a set, I was gasping for breath! It was really tiring and exhausting. And we are using the old paddles for training, which means that I have gotten more blisters! I got three already. I tore the skin off to reveal the bare flesh and they hurt real bad. Argh. I really love my grey owl.

Anyway, my time table has been set. Am taking 2 political science mods: introduction to public administration and public administration in Singapore. I will also be doing 2 USP mods: making of a nation and biodiversity and conservation biology. And finally, taking introduction to theatre and drama to fulfill my faculty requirement. Alex kept telling me about the module on the bus home cos he took it last sem. Apparently, I get an edge in the module, cos I am a guy. Hm. Hope I can get an A plus. Mua ha ha! Ah well. The time table is set. The exam dates look a lot nicer this time round. It time to hit the library once again to grab the notes before they get hoarded by a group of kiasu people who conspire to keep the book by simply tossing the book from one to another and back again by reserving the book, one after another. Heh heh.

Yeah yeah. That’s me alright, kiasu, “auntie”, nerdy me.

Life is as exciting as ever, where everyday is an unpredictable adventure. Who knows when the next homework will come, who knows when the next crisis will befall, who know when the next… argh. I worry too much. Maybe that’s why my head feels so heavy and I keep having all these headaches.

Okay. Till next time!

"How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface. To make a map of my movement -- no matter how temporary."

"There lay our challenge - to find how far we could venture on the icy snow before breaking through. We had to step ever so gingerly like a cat. Or like Jesus walking on the water. Phil thought it was a competition BETWEEN us. In that sense i most often won... but i knew i wasn't competiting against him, but against myself -- against my own clumsy humanity that had lost synchronization with the earth. In that sense i always lost."

these were my two favourite quotes from Blankets by Craig Thompson. thanks emma. it was a good read.

i just want to be simple. and i just want everyone to be happy.

hey peepz!

its me again. yes. sigh. its me again. same old boring me. same old bored me. haha!

its the fourth day in a row that my sore throat has persisted. it got really bad last night, as i coughed through the night, totally aware that my condition was going from bad to worse. so this morning, i resolved to trudge down to the nearest clinic and see a doctor, instead of waiting for YIH to open on monday. yes, its me being all petty about money again. well, it is after all FREE at yih. but after some consideration. the wait is not worth the suffering. and in the end, had to spend twenty four dollars for consultation and medication. sigh. i could get a bit of things with twenty four buckeroos...

but i am glad i got some antibiotics, cos its a reassurance that i will now definitely get better. but i got the dreadful cough medicine that drives people drowsy and into a groggy state of semi consciousness.

and i need to go out for practice later. sigh.

so from now until, my eye lids scream to be shut, i shall just pen some thoughts.

okay. nothing is coming in right now. zzz...

hey peepz!

how do i know that i must be really bored? well, this is my fourth enty in three days. i MUST be really bored. actually, its because i am cooped up at home desperately trying to recover from this lingering sore throat that i am suffering. its torturous, having to consume lots and lots of water, lozenges, panadol, chuan bei pi pa gao and anything i think can help me recover faster.

whenever i fall sick, i get really really frustrated. because, i keep getting reminded (okay, this is going to sound really himbotic) that my body is wasting away in bed. i can literally feel my hard earned muscles (or at least whatever little i have on me right now) are withering and dissolving in distrophy? knowing that my comrades are still already working hard for the next season; afraid that the next batch of juniors might be tougher than me. ooo... i hate the juniors even before i met them. haha! nah. i am just frustrated that i am experiencing a long long period of inactivity and it has been three days. i guess i shared some of the same sentiments as some who profess they miss the water. i too, am missing my paddle.

its that time of the year again, when hopes and expectations start afresh. reading alex's pain in choosing his modules, echoes my own when i look at my infinite choices of combinations. so many plans, so many schemes are running through my head, that i cant sleep properly at night. probably excited at the thought of returning back to school. ah well, what is a nerd like me going to do? all i know, is that the next sem is going to be way way tougher than the last two, because the modules that i am interested in taking happen to be in the "higher difficulty" levels. i just hope that i can muster enough psychic energy to channel my efforts into doing the right things at the right time.

ah well. choices, choices, choices. somehow i relish in the thought that i actually have some control, of some sort. haha! i need to see counsellor, to address this mad need for power and control.

anyway, so many things have happened around the world. mostly, the coverage of the london bombings and the nkf saga. maybe i would like to add a little more uncommon knowledge. the world pool championships held in kiaoshiung, Taipei was won by a 16 year old kid, who has overcome previous champions in the likes of earl strickland, francisco bustamante, johnny archer and last years champion alex pugulayan to clinch the highest honous in the world of nine ball pool. it was a great game that was... ah well.

hope everyone is fine.

hello again. this is my second post for the day. just have an urge to just douse the day in a little romping depression.

as you know, i failed my second attempt at the driving test (see previous post). i tried to sleep the saddening thoughts away, but they have since devolved into a still-present but dormant form of depression and apathy. my mind simply went through again and again what happened, and as a normal human, berate myself for all the mistakes i committed and tortured myself by visualizing what i should have done and all to have created the success i sought. ah well.

but my misery did not end there. the potent mixture of depression and exhaustion combusted into illness as an irritating sore throat threatened to launch itself into a fever. i drowned myself in so much water, that i feel weak whenever i went to the toilet. tried to sleep but i could not. forbade myself from exerting too much effort. so i just sat at the computer looking through potential modules for next sem. i had to cancel a movie appointment because i wanted to stay at home. sigh. was looking forward to watching fantastic four really.

for me, being at home sometimes kind of depressing. because there were so many things i needed to settle in the house. my white board is filled with reminders of what needed to be done. and everytime i promised to tackle on task, i ended up back in front of the computer, procrastinating by excusing myself due to my illness. furthermore, my mom never fails to dish out commands, one after another. first she ordered me to take in the clothes, immediately followed by an order to change my bed sheets, and another nag to clear up my mess of notes from last semester, and then another to... ah... mothers. waht would sons do without them?

and yet, being at home means being stagnant. and for me, in a state of depression, and illness, stagnance served to propel me into a spiral of MORE depression and illness. ah well.

was thinking of things. until a friend called to tell me that singing practice will start on sundday at 3. well, in case you all did not know, i am a member of an acapella group. we did a concert last year before my stint at at uni began. it was quite a successful concert by our standards, and we want to do it again next year. actually, to be more accurate, they want to recreate it. hiaz. after one year of school, i seem to have lost the interest to sing. actually, its more because of my over burdening commitments, to goodness knows what i have committed to already. its a troublesome thing sometimes, this commitment thing. the group started as a "long-term project." i mentioned i did not wish to remain in the group, but my friend would not hear of it. a strong argument used was that the other memebers of the group have improved so much and wish this happen. how can i let them down by being irresponsible and leaving them like that?

and i came to realise that this happens for not just this group, but for most of the groups i have joined in my life. once i have said "yes", i find myself attending practices and trainings and meetings, even when i have simply lost the interest. but i have to continue for whatever reasons, be it group solidarity, or it would be an irresponsible act to quit, or be it for the sakes of friends. i was rather disappointed with my friend in this occasion because it felt that he did not bother to enquire about my troubles or situation. why did i want to discontinue in the first place? for him, his priority was to get this singing stint going. and i was simply needed to be there so that this could happen. luckily, we are singing the old repetoire. nothing too difficult. yet, this is just one instance. this, like many instances, "quitting" is not an option. at least, its not my option.

hence lies the dichotomy of being true to myself and being loyal to my friends, my mates, my pals. hence portrays the tension between the self and society. the inner being and the outer organism. the liberals and the conservatives.

and i realise, that the more i strove to create some form of control, the more i realise that i did them simply because i had no control at all. it seems that all my life, i have always had someone telling me what to do. be it government authorities, school teachers, parents, friends or fierce testers. the more i enmesh myself into the idea of "independence", the more i realise i do not have it. my "freedom" of buying consumer products is always negated by the reminder that the money was given by my parents. you know, stuff like this, you get the picture. and its ironic that for most things, the more i sought it out, the more it has been deprived from me.

of course, it does not mean that i stop working for it. right? i am going to book for my third attempt at the driving test once my time table for the new school term is settled.

revision lessons will be decided soon. practice begins this sunday. studying should commence tomorrow. training has already begun. life started even before i knew i was alive.

hey peepz! this is going to be griping entry. haha!

anyway, i went for my driving test. and sad to say, i failed again. sigh.

shall not go into the nitty gritty details. too embarassing to divulge really. just: fierce tester, falling ill and tired and case of a nervous wreck. really, all the mistakes that i never committed i actually did it! argh. first time strike curb in vertical parking. when i normally throw caution into the wind, i was marked down for being too slow. hmm. mistakes to learn from i guess.

and to think i was getting confident, cos after the warm up, the instructor told me that if i drove like i did then, i should be able to pass. even yesterday, when i had a revision lesson, the instructor told me the same thing. haha! ah well. murphy's law.

what irritated me was that during the test route, when the tester told me to take an unexpected turn, i knew in that instant that i failed. and from then on, the feeling during the drive back was just crushing. one of the worst feelings. better than losing a db race. but still terrible nonetheless.

ah well. i am well accustomed to failure anyway. its just that i am just not accustomed to failing TWICE. haha! maybe i will strike it lucky the third time round?

today shall be my day of mourning. should feel better after i take a long long nap.

thanks to all those who wished me well, and thanks to all those who called to comfort me. i felt a lot better after that. thanks y'all.

hey peepz! i am back from the NUS Humanitarian Camp. it was supposed to be a camp for mainly freshmen. but because my sister is the organizer and they lacked people, and she asked me, so i, out of my kind heart agreed. even though i just finished the prime minister's cup barely 2 days ago.

at first i tried to get the guys from db to go. but because it would cost 55 dollars to participate, they were super relectant, despite the appeal of 30 over girls, and only 3 guys. ah well. maybe money IS more important than girls.

and so in the end, only i from the team went. and eventually made up one of the 3 male participants in the team. luckily, there were 3 more councillors on hand to rein in all the estrogen and bitching that went on in the camp. haha!

being one of 3 guys had its perks. one of the girls asked me in an ice breaker game if i was happy that there were so many girls. well, i thought the answer was quite obvious. haha! ah well. of course, it was quite hard too. for me to converse with members of the opposite sex. i am not really the conversant sort. i am more the, get drama and get people talking and then keep quiet sort. haha! ah well. usually i find myself running out of topics to talk about, or even to keep a conversation going when it comes to talking to girls. i really do wish that someone could just teach me how to converse.

well, talking to members of the same sex proved to be a lot easier. in order to save space, my wonderful sister had me bunk in with the other 2 guys in a twin room. i had to problem squeezing in of course. after all, we all went through ns. and hence, formed our common conversational topics. after that, i tried to psycho both of them to join dragonboat. haha! i just kept talking and talking about it. i just hope they would be interested enough to sign up at the matirculation fair. when my sister found out, she got quite pissed with me, because the camp was supposed to be an opportunity to recruit people into the club, and here i went poaching the guys into db. i wanted to poach the girls too. but i kinda stopped at the guys. of course, when the girls asked me about it, i simply obliged them with straight forward answers. hopefully, i mangaged to convince some of the girls to join. but most of them looked like the kind-hearted-i-really-want-to-help-people sort. db is an entirely different club, and it would be hard to have them both. i just tell them to do what they have a passion for, whether its to row a boat, or to do relief work in banda acheh or to join a hall or just to study.

so over those 4 days, we played a series of games that taught us things about team cooperation and stuff. most of the games, were really quite cool! some of the games were really disgusting though. one of the more memorable ones had to be one when we had to suck clean marshmellows that were covered with hershey's chocolate syrup mixed with ketchup. it was plain gross. the girls insisted on stopping. i thought it tasted like sour plums. of course, when you start thinking of the ketchup, you just lose your appetite. this was just one of the things that i had to eat. i was the only guy in the group you see, so being the macho brave alpha male, i volunteered to do everything downright disgusting, wet and dirty. there was one occasion when i had to eat 5 pretzels that went through the clothes of 3 girls and 1 guy. they were sort of soggy and saltier than usual. ah well. really surprised i did not get diarrhoea. on top of that, i had to do more of the manual labour and stuff. well, a guy had to do what a guy had to do.

but the girls were really swell. they were quite sporting ah well, totally immersing themselves into the spirit of the camp. very proud of them. and i hope they had lots of fun too.

in the evening, we had "theme" talks about volunteerism. the seniors showed us video clips about their expeditions, and they shared their experiences in volunteerism. some of the video clips were really touching, especially the one when they went to acheh for the tsunami relief efforts. the scenes were full of tragedy and emotions. many of them were lost, orphaned kids enjoying when playing with the relief workers. heard some continuous sniffing after that. i had a big headache and a bit of guilty conscious. because i questioned myself what was i doing myself. i am so lucky, doing nothing but studying and rowing my boat without putting as much efforts in the arena of volunteerism. i was being the materialistic, hedonistic bohemian.

at that point of them, it felt that i needed to simply abandon everything and jump straight into volunteerism. well, it was the same feeling i had at last years community service club's freshmen orientation camp as well. then, it really felt that i could it. but now, i cannot, simply because i have already adopted a lifestyle that i cannot simply recklessly and carelessly throw out of the window simply becuase my heart aches for the lonely, the poor, the helpless. i wish i could but i cannot. it was a crushing feeling. and yet...

anyway, i do hope that many of them would have decided to join the club and get involved with helping people. the world needs more people like them.

we also had to put up a short performance for the old folks at the kaki bukit moral centre. so my group put up a dance/song item to the ah niu's dui mian de nu hai kan guo lai. it was a funny item, and i was glad, it got the old folks laughing at parts and i really hope that they enjoyed themselves. the girls were great acting as hiao za bos. haha! after that, we mingled with the old folks. and i was talking to 2 grandmothers. i was quite scared. firstly cos i had no ability with hokkein or any form dialect and was not very convsersant with chinese, and second, i was afraid to talk to them about family. i was scared that at any point of them they would burst into tears and bewail about past tragedies. but now on hindsight, it occurs to me that these were 70 year old people who have gone through the world war and all sorts of possible hardship. they were hardened people. they werent going to just break down and cry there and then. if they were, they would have done it a long long time ago. i asked them if they liked to sing karaoke, but in the end, they insisted that i sing for them. so i went up and sang with some of the people. ended up singing the same song we danced to. haha!

after that, i felt like i need to call my own grandmother. these old folks were so called abandoned, and living alone in one room flats, with little visits from their own family. one of them did not even know where her own daughter stays. their grandchildren barely visits them. and i got all guilty again. becuase even though technically we did not abandon my grandmother, cos she insisted on staying in jurong when we moved to choa chu kang, i personally barely visit her. sigh. partly due to my commitments, partly due to my hedonistic and hermitic lifestlye. but i guess that is no excuse. i do know that she's fine and well though. so that is at least one comforting though.

the camp was really fun and enjoyable, thought-provoking and emotion-evoking. i made quite a number of friends that i am glad to say hi in school, and to stop to chat. so here's a big thanks to my new friends. i do hope that we can continual to keep in contact despite busy schedules: boisterous nishah, piano-prodigy shu en, autie dawn, relief teacher janice, martial artiste carmen, china-cute cheng ye evonne, the hiao jacqueline, the calm sabrina, frizzy haired ruth, the really lame vignesh, the teddy bear liren, the part timer zhikai, hou yi junda and dirty looker alvin. think i missed out a few more. so if you people do see me, please please please do stop me to say hi! of course, if you guys will discover where i usually hang out, do drop by as well, or see you on msn, if i ever come online that is. haha!

well, that's in a nut shell my experience in the camp.

on saturday, after that, i met up with melvin to buy presents for alex because it was his birthday. we were joined by jason, xiangyi and yoke, all of whom were apparently jioed by melvin. we walked and walked and finally settled on getting an army green addidas messenger bag and a yellow nelgene bottle for him. to me they were really nice. wished i had them for myself really. haha!

and so yesterday, a bunch of us, namely jason, xiangyi, gm, riesal, weimin, melvin, birthday boy alex, and i, gathered at marche orchard to celebrate. when i set the time to meet at 11, only gm and alex were on time, and the rest of us, expectedly were all late. but of course, fashionably late. so we chatted and made fun of each other as us db guys would do. we ate and had this really gorgeous, mouth watering death by chocolate cake that would satisfy even ms wen's chocolate craving!

after that, because it was raining really heavily, we simply walked round and round heeren looking at clothes (what else right?). we went to party world to ktv (jason's idea of course) while poor alex had to go to work. so much for a birthday celebration eh? haha! but hey! we put in alot of effort simply to get this many number of guys to come down. and alot of effort went into getting the presents! so alex, you better appreciate it.

but he's had a great birthday celebration this year. he had many many parties and lunches to celebrate his birthday. wish i had that many parties. haha! well, next up is baby mels' birthday. so. hm... we should be dunking him in the kallang river i guess. haha!

anyway, after the ktv, i went to queensway alone to repair my spectacles, which the day before, i conveniently stepped on. the frame bent and the lens flew out. i was so sad. i thought i had to change my beautiful 450 dollar oakley frame... i just sat there stoned and bereaving. luckily, the frame did not break into 2 like the last spectacles i stepped on. so they simply bent it back to its original position. felt as if my lost child had returned to my embrace. haha!

so here ends my 5 day adventures. later at 2 i will be having 2 back to back revision driving lessons. i am getting desperate, cos i my driving test is this thursday. argh! did i mention this is my second attempt. and just last week, i had my first revision in 6 months, since my last test. argh. why do i keep having the feeling that i am going to like mount curb or crash into another car while changing lanes. ZX told me before my first test that all men should be able to drive. bish bish. and i failed my first test. can you image the blow to my ego, my self esteem and not to mention my manhood. sigh. this second attempt may or may not break me. haha! but till then, i am going all out to conquer that. if we can win the PM cup, i can definitely pass a driving test!

after that i will have to rush for our db agm. so far we have only 3 candidates. all of whom are worthy of leading the team. i just wish that they have more confidence though. because i know that i will be supporting them. in fact i will be supporting whoever is willing to slog it out of the team, because i am. in fact, i think we all will. the year had been super exciting for the team. i am very expectant and simply anticipating the new season. i just keep wondering what will happen to the team. i got only 2 things on my mind right now. that is to be a lot stronger than the incoming batch of juniors and the second is to win the pm cup 2006. the journey will be long, tough and tedious. but i know, that at the end of it, whether victory or loss, it will still be all worth it.

so to the next captain and vice captain, i think i just want to say, that we will be behind you two all the way!

hey peepz!

i had my first driving lesson in 6 months today. haven touched the wheel since the day i failed my driving test. and realised that i am still going to fail the next one. but i was quite glad that today, at least, i did not buang the car, considering how long i rusted. my next driving test has been booked. and it will take place in 2 weeks. will i see another F staring in my eyes? oh dear. the guys are so going to laugh at me. i am laughing at myself already.

it feels alittle wierd not having to go for training. it just feels wierd not doing any physical exercise. i thought i was falling ill. felt like something was coming over me. a sense of dulled lethargy perhaps. and all these just because i did not exercise. sigh. better start runn9ing soon. or else turn fat like lin hui.

speaking of lin hui, he decided to pop by my place in the evening. was so nice to see him back again. came over the tokked alot of cock. felt like the ns days all over again. sharing his experiences in imperial college, uk, sharing my experiences in dragonboat. just glad to see a good friend alive and well.

the things that he shared, made me a little envious. the whole life is greener on the other side and stuff. the things he did (lots and lots of self gratuious sex, haha! kidding) and the places he travelled to (he joined the hiking club). made me feel that i am missing out on somethings. the things that i would love to do. the things i wish i could do. well, it has been working out nicely for the last year, that i wanted to row a dragonboat. so i am not really complaining. i am just wondering, what do i want to do in the future as well? so many things i guess. a few of them imclude participating in a marathon, a biathalon and a triathalon. others include reading all the books in my house. another is to get onto the deans list for at least one sem. maybe another, inspired by weiming, is so perform a convincing "cobra." wished i have more fashion sense. want to get a driving license. go back packing in europe. converse in japanese. help out the poor in a foreign country. go to student exchange programme. have a REAL good nights rest. be more charming, be more sociable, have more steadfast friends. living a decent, honest life, one that i wont regret. get married to a girl from sdu, have really intelligent kids who can play the violin and love tennis and pool and maybe row a dragonboat, and of course to retire rich. i dun need fame. i just wnat the money. i want to organize my room for once. and i want to change my glasses cos i swear, i am losing my sight.

shall start on fulfilling one goal today. tidy up my room.

its finally over, and it sure went off with a big bang.

all along, we had some really great rows, especially during the heats and semi finals. some near misses though, especially the mixed finals, when the team lost to ntu by 0.2 sec; and the tertiary open, when we lost to ntu by 0.6 and lost to ngee an by 0.2 to clinch the bronze. but the best prize and the only prize that we desired was the pm cup.

it was quite a tough race, cos both teams kept colliding, as ntu kept trying to push us off our course. then both teams tried to grab onto each others boats and tried to push the other back. there were alot of seperate incidents. for me, i guess, i was pulled by one of the rowers by my life jacket, so i was caught off balance. ah well. peeved, but forgive and forget i guess. afterall, we won. haha!

at the end of the day, its a competition. the fulfilment of one team's dreams, will inevitably lead to the demolision of the others. when we shook hands with each of them, many of them had tears in their eyes. we both worked so hard, for that one prize, and one of us must lose. if they won, we too, would be crying. i hope they dun bear grudges. one of them muscle men squeezed my hand so hard i thought he broke my bones. is this hate-hate relationship a inevitable consequence of an eternal rivalry?
what will the next year be like then? will it get worse? ah well, we will just have to see then.

in any case, i just want to say a big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big THANK YOU to all you guys! all 31 of you! to me, its does not really matter if we win or lose (actually thats a lie, but, be nice to me) its the journey that counts. every row, every stroke, every pull up, every run, every land training, every water session. they all added up to something. and it took races like this to realise that they added to a stronger sense of brotherhood. of course, they added up to the greatest reward of all for us, the pm cup trophy.

alas, with one end, commences another beginning. the seniors would be leaving and we will be stepping up as seniors. i always feel that we have really big shoes to fill, in terms of fitness and technique. no doubt that we have matured, but we really still have a long way to go. for instance, as seniors we need to a lot fitter and tougher than the incoming batch of juniors. as seniors, we need to display a certain level of maturity and standard that the juniors can look up to and aim for. my seniors have given me a lot inspiration. special mention goes to tony again, who was apparently feeling unwell, but still managed to push the midpack. also to dr mel, who has been sooo encouraging. he never fails to calm me down when he grabs my arm to assure me that he is physically there. also to alex, who kindly made the glucose, and was a lot more supportive. as well as to gm for making more jokes about me. and to teddy for coming down to help us look after our belongings despite a dislocated shoulder.

and so, here marks another fullstop in my neverending story. i wonder what the next sentence is going to say about my life.

guess its my turn to blog, after reading all my friend's entries.

yeah, today was the first day of the dragon boat festival cum competition. we had two heats today, mens open and tertiary open. we did well enough to come in first in both our heats. we all felt good. however, even so, they do not mean anything. these are just stepping stones to greater battles ahead tomorrow. and the greatest battle await us at 1730. i hope to find more inspiration and motivation tonight as we race down the final throes of our journey.

i wanted to just stay at home the whole day. but i got persuaded to go for a once-in-a-lifetime dinner with my platoon from ns. its been about a year since i saw them. and was really happy and glad to see them. they brought back so many fond memories. i told them, that i will row for them tomorrow as well. cos they were by first family of brothers. here's to the guys who went today, shafiee, ron, ore, joseph, rizuan, chong and wilson. i will row for them as well.

and so while they were chowing on sambal stingrays, and satays, i was eating an exhorbitantly priced chicken hor fun. sigh... the smells were so inviting, but i had to abstain. and it took all the mental will to do so. haha! after that they went to east coast park to catch up, while i had to go home and turn in early.

really glad i caught up with some of them.

really nice to hear that shiying, my sp from the csc camp, might be coming down to support us tomorrow. thanks girl! hope to find some more inspiration from you too! and hopefully from the throngs of supporters expected to turn up tomorrow! thanks guys for backig us up!

of course the biggest source of inspiration is from the team. they are really the greatest bunch i have met. they are like my second family of brothers. the brothers i wished had. haha! they are such an inspiration, especially to tony, the mid pack caller and regulator, and also to dr mel, who at my weakest points, spurred me on by calling my name during the row. also to baby mel, who is losing his voice encouraging us and pushing us on.

from young, i always had a problem with religion and the issue of "belief." i never knew what faith was. life to me was a day to day affair. people to me walk in and walk out. i did not know what it meant to fight for something. i did not taste fraternity or universal brotherhood, and to trust in solidarity. i dare say, that today, i think i may have tasted a bit of what it means to know that there are people there with you, and perhaps able to trust your life, values and dreams and goals with them. to know that they are there to support you, to protect you, to fight for you. cos they love to, cos they want to. and i am part of that as well. its not something that I want. its something that WE want.

right now, i dun know what life is going to be like after tomorrow. i am so focused on what is going to come up in the next 24 hours, that that is all i can think of right now. my future seems to literally lie in a day. and i am living my future out now. it seems as if everything hinge on these essential races, the things that we have worked to hard for a year. its something a year in the making. its do or die.

of course, we will have fun doing it at the same time.

okay, its time to lay down and rest. i will see you guys at the finish iine.