hello again. this is my second post for the day. just have an urge to just douse the day in a little romping depression.
as you know, i failed my second attempt at the driving test (see previous post). i tried to sleep the saddening thoughts away, but they have since devolved into a still-present but dormant form of depression and apathy. my mind simply went through again and again what happened, and as a normal human, berate myself for all the mistakes i committed and tortured myself by visualizing what i should have done and all to have created the success i sought. ah well.
but my misery did not end there. the potent mixture of depression and exhaustion combusted into illness as an irritating sore throat threatened to launch itself into a fever. i drowned myself in so much water, that i feel weak whenever i went to the toilet. tried to sleep but i could not. forbade myself from exerting too much effort. so i just sat at the computer looking through potential modules for next sem. i had to cancel a movie appointment because i wanted to stay at home. sigh. was looking forward to watching fantastic four really.
for me, being at home sometimes kind of depressing. because there were so many things i needed to settle in the house. my white board is filled with reminders of what needed to be done. and everytime i promised to tackle on task, i ended up back in front of the computer, procrastinating by excusing myself due to my illness. furthermore, my mom never fails to dish out commands, one after another. first she ordered me to take in the clothes, immediately followed by an order to change my bed sheets, and another nag to clear up my mess of notes from last semester, and then another to... ah... mothers. waht would sons do without them?
and yet, being at home means being stagnant. and for me, in a state of depression, and illness, stagnance served to propel me into a spiral of MORE depression and illness. ah well.
was thinking of things. until a friend called to tell me that singing practice will start on sundday at 3. well, in case you all did not know, i am a member of an acapella group. we did a concert last year before my stint at at uni began. it was quite a successful concert by our standards, and we want to do it again next year. actually, to be more accurate, they want to recreate it. hiaz. after one year of school, i seem to have lost the interest to sing. actually, its more because of my over burdening commitments, to goodness knows what i have committed to already. its a troublesome thing sometimes, this commitment thing. the group started as a "long-term project." i mentioned i did not wish to remain in the group, but my friend would not hear of it. a strong argument used was that the other memebers of the group have improved so much and wish this happen. how can i let them down by being irresponsible and leaving them like that?
and i came to realise that this happens for not just this group, but for most of the groups i have joined in my life. once i have said "yes", i find myself attending practices and trainings and meetings, even when i have simply lost the interest. but i have to continue for whatever reasons, be it group solidarity, or it would be an irresponsible act to quit, or be it for the sakes of friends. i was rather disappointed with my friend in this occasion because it felt that he did not bother to enquire about my troubles or situation. why did i want to discontinue in the first place? for him, his priority was to get this singing stint going. and i was simply needed to be there so that this could happen. luckily, we are singing the old repetoire. nothing too difficult. yet, this is just one instance. this, like many instances, "quitting" is not an option. at least, its not my option.
hence lies the dichotomy of being true to myself and being loyal to my friends, my mates, my pals. hence portrays the tension between the self and society. the inner being and the outer organism. the liberals and the conservatives.
and i realise, that the more i strove to create some form of control, the more i realise that i did them simply because i had no control at all. it seems that all my life, i have always had someone telling me what to do. be it government authorities, school teachers, parents, friends or fierce testers. the more i enmesh myself into the idea of "independence", the more i realise i do not have it. my "freedom" of buying consumer products is always negated by the reminder that the money was given by my parents. you know, stuff like this, you get the picture. and its ironic that for most things, the more i sought it out, the more it has been deprived from me.
of course, it does not mean that i stop working for it. right? i am going to book for my third attempt at the driving test once my time table for the new school term is settled.
revision lessons will be decided soon. practice begins this sunday. studying should commence tomorrow. training has already begun. life started even before i knew i was alive.
as you know, i failed my second attempt at the driving test (see previous post). i tried to sleep the saddening thoughts away, but they have since devolved into a still-present but dormant form of depression and apathy. my mind simply went through again and again what happened, and as a normal human, berate myself for all the mistakes i committed and tortured myself by visualizing what i should have done and all to have created the success i sought. ah well.
but my misery did not end there. the potent mixture of depression and exhaustion combusted into illness as an irritating sore throat threatened to launch itself into a fever. i drowned myself in so much water, that i feel weak whenever i went to the toilet. tried to sleep but i could not. forbade myself from exerting too much effort. so i just sat at the computer looking through potential modules for next sem. i had to cancel a movie appointment because i wanted to stay at home. sigh. was looking forward to watching fantastic four really.
for me, being at home sometimes kind of depressing. because there were so many things i needed to settle in the house. my white board is filled with reminders of what needed to be done. and everytime i promised to tackle on task, i ended up back in front of the computer, procrastinating by excusing myself due to my illness. furthermore, my mom never fails to dish out commands, one after another. first she ordered me to take in the clothes, immediately followed by an order to change my bed sheets, and another nag to clear up my mess of notes from last semester, and then another to... ah... mothers. waht would sons do without them?
and yet, being at home means being stagnant. and for me, in a state of depression, and illness, stagnance served to propel me into a spiral of MORE depression and illness. ah well.
was thinking of things. until a friend called to tell me that singing practice will start on sundday at 3. well, in case you all did not know, i am a member of an acapella group. we did a concert last year before my stint at at uni began. it was quite a successful concert by our standards, and we want to do it again next year. actually, to be more accurate, they want to recreate it. hiaz. after one year of school, i seem to have lost the interest to sing. actually, its more because of my over burdening commitments, to goodness knows what i have committed to already. its a troublesome thing sometimes, this commitment thing. the group started as a "long-term project." i mentioned i did not wish to remain in the group, but my friend would not hear of it. a strong argument used was that the other memebers of the group have improved so much and wish this happen. how can i let them down by being irresponsible and leaving them like that?
and i came to realise that this happens for not just this group, but for most of the groups i have joined in my life. once i have said "yes", i find myself attending practices and trainings and meetings, even when i have simply lost the interest. but i have to continue for whatever reasons, be it group solidarity, or it would be an irresponsible act to quit, or be it for the sakes of friends. i was rather disappointed with my friend in this occasion because it felt that he did not bother to enquire about my troubles or situation. why did i want to discontinue in the first place? for him, his priority was to get this singing stint going. and i was simply needed to be there so that this could happen. luckily, we are singing the old repetoire. nothing too difficult. yet, this is just one instance. this, like many instances, "quitting" is not an option. at least, its not my option.
hence lies the dichotomy of being true to myself and being loyal to my friends, my mates, my pals. hence portrays the tension between the self and society. the inner being and the outer organism. the liberals and the conservatives.
and i realise, that the more i strove to create some form of control, the more i realise that i did them simply because i had no control at all. it seems that all my life, i have always had someone telling me what to do. be it government authorities, school teachers, parents, friends or fierce testers. the more i enmesh myself into the idea of "independence", the more i realise i do not have it. my "freedom" of buying consumer products is always negated by the reminder that the money was given by my parents. you know, stuff like this, you get the picture. and its ironic that for most things, the more i sought it out, the more it has been deprived from me.
of course, it does not mean that i stop working for it. right? i am going to book for my third attempt at the driving test once my time table for the new school term is settled.
revision lessons will be decided soon. practice begins this sunday. studying should commence tomorrow. training has already begun. life started even before i knew i was alive.