the unofficial word for the day: cognitive dissonance.

had this question for psychology exam. got it wrong. i am doomed. doomed. doomed. my life has crumbled. i want to die. yet i still live. why? cognitive dissonance. ah well.

anyway. i am slacking. huh? sigh. incoherence rules the day. word salad. i suspect schizophrenia. right now, i need dissociative amnesia. i will never classical or operant learn the rules of social perception. but who cares. the exam has ended. bipolar disorder coming up. i think i need to become some obessive compulsive freak frightened that the lack of actylcholine will one day lead me to alzheimers. its okay. i will die alone in the depths of IMH anyway.

while alex got a yan yan mugger mug. i lost my own mug. sigh. left it on the bus. talk about absent mindedness, talk about drifting consciousness, talk about encoding failure. got the response of sadness, think will develop a phobia for buses now. i need behavior modification. i need anti depressants, prozac that induces more seratonin into the brain dead mind of a bread dead freak. now i am stereotyping against all those who did not help me, all those who stop short at the second stage of the decision making model of bystander intervention. guess i am not a lady in mini skirt. that will get me some help. think i need to form an in group and then an out group to vent all my frustrations. the realist conflict theory. i am so dead. i am so screwed.

i really need to get out psychology mood now, and transit to maths and science and ps. i mean what is the probability of the second law of thermodynamics not being right? if not, than the world has been created by an almighty god. but if there was, why are there so many wars on the face of the earth, where foreign policy and diplomacy have failed to be successful enough tools? account for their failures. use contemporary examples where approporiate. 30 marks. wah gone. gone. gone.

when we need to look into the past, the meaning and significance of past events have a big bearing on where we are now. its good to remember about the past. but if the past gets too clingy, we cannot move forward. when the present gets to burdensome, the future moves on without us. its never too good to look to far ahead of the future, cos we dun exist in that point of time, at least not that far ahead. what is lost is lost. what is to come will come. accept that fact of life. accept it with the dignity of a human being. a human being with the reason to see that happiness does not exist when the status quo has deteriorated into agony, into misery, into a mess of troubling times. a human being with the magnimity to let go of a situation that inflicts nothing but pain. a human being with the decency to see that what is now, is wrong, and needs some form of change, needs some form of resolution, needs some form of salvation.

my salvation will come in the form of god. when he has been here all along, i think it may be time to seek his warm embrace.

i think i have gone off tangent, if i were ever on the right path in the first place. i wanted to sleep, yet i am blogging. cognitive dissonance. self fulfilling prophecies do come true.

nightz!

another random thought:

to live a life you'd wished you'd not, is to not see that life you'd wish to live is in the making.

ah well. so much for inspiratio

random thought:

when hypocrisy kills, thy world quits unto herself.

i am so cryptic, it hurts.

i hope chengzhan will be able to get through his ordeal. i pray that God will protect him. whether he is right or wrong, i know he is deeply remorseful. may we forgive him and move on.

chengzhan is a great guy. i support you!

somehow, i find the analogy used int the following passage from the introduction of a motivational book quite inappropriate....

"it is also hoped that this modest book may serve as an additional chariotry in the reader's fight against the battles of life. it is further hoped that your chant for success, like the cry before the oneset of orgasm, can be turnd into a chorus of triumph as you bathe in your fountain of success overflowing under a tap of unending flow."

guess if you were all as perverted as me, you'd be imagining all sort of things...

diaoz.

well, dun ask me where i got it from. okay, okay, ask me. from the central library. just discovered the cache of psychology books. and the host of self-improvement and self-help books there... i was very happy. very excited... bordering on ... erm... "orgasmic"? muahaha!!!

found out my favourite hanging out spot for the holidays liao... no need for borders, no need for kinokuniya. all that i need, is right here in the central library. haha!!!

well, was doing so reflection about my obsession with self-improvement books. guess, i have developed a physiological and psychological (?!) dependency on such things. how ironic dun you think? getting mentally and emotionally hooked on books that espouse advice about how to become independent.... maybe its a marketing ploy... maybe its an evil scheme of the psychology industry...

but that's not it. in a sad sense, i find myself quite disappointed with myself, that i have to rely on books on a constant basis to get some form of motivation, just so as to carry on with life. just so as to strive for goals that are inherently questionable. everytime i tell my friends that i read self improvement books, they laugh, scoff, berate me. why are you reading such crap? why are you wasting time learning how to manage your time? erotica is so much a better read! hmm....

its just that i seem to be seeking answers about life in books, and perhaps i am not living out the answers? i seem to be prepared for life, yet am too afraid to step out and take action? and yet, everytime i do, everytime i try, i seem to meet with opposition, meet with impediments, meet with frowns of disapproval. sometimes when i tell my friends some of my goals... they laugh. or just frown. i get very affected... i get very doubtful... you see, i have not had a good history of making good decisions. and most of the decisions i have made, usually turn out to be bad...

and when i get thrown back into the dumps, i seek refuge in self help books to sustain the basic motivation for simply living. this cycle, does indeed gets tiring. and sometimes, i just want to do what i want, really. without any care for everyone else.

but life does not work that way. the interdependent nature of society says that whatever you do will have an effect on your fellow men, directly or indirectly. unless of course you live in a society-less world. ie. all alone. yet, i value my independence so much. i value my freedom to the utmost. i hate it when things or people shackle me down and preventing me from achieving my full potential.... for the naruto fans out there, its like uchiha itachi... who by conviction of his ability, obliterated his clan of which he felt to be restraining him from attaining the highest level of power. sometimes i feel that way, that my own "clan" or the world i that i have based myself on, is too small, and i yearn to get out. i want to go to acheh like my sister and help the needy. i want to backpack round europe like john and find out what it is like to live in situations more dire and hardy than simply coping with exams. i want... really, maybe just be better than who i am right now.

and yet, i am afraid that to do that, means to be like uchiha itachi, destroy what i have now, simply to create a new one, which i might be disappointed about and... you get the picture... this cycle of drudgery and endless bitching as it is right now, will never end. and i should just be contented with what i have right now and stay in my shell and live in the mud, and just simple breathe. breathe mc breathe. dun think. just breathe.

its this sort of thinking that i do that drives me mad. and its this sort of thinking that i do not do that drives me unmotivated. what is a crazy, screwed up freaked nature of a man who has yet to mature and grow up supposed to do? am thinking of seeking the wisdom of a higher being for solace, comfort and guidance. but will that mean, to abandon this world of acestism and its own brand of shackles? and will it necessarily mean i will be free? or be shackled by the world of religiousity and its brand of constraints?

fine. enough endless, roundabout, useless pondering that will not help in saving me from the abysmal results i foresee myself getting in the exams. back to the foreign policies of worldly politics.

i really think i am breaking down. cos i am beginning to do weird things, and starting to think weird things. my judgements get imparied, my feelings get numbed and my head gets poundings.

while i was studying last night, or at least trying to study last night, i suddenly go the urge to just pack up and leave. and so i did. when i got back to my room, i suddenly go the urge to go and run. and so i did. i felt like running alone, and so i did.

ran the haw par villa route. i thought i would destress. my mind keep repeating the ending song from naruto.. (hitotsu.. hitotsu... and i found out later that it means "one by one". how apt) and behind that song, my mind was going crazy with all sorts of hypothesis and imagination. they dun really mean much, except that i have an overheated mind.

what if i did not come university, would i still succeed? need i go through all the tortures that i am experiencing now? especially nearing the exams? what if i did not join db? would i be struggling with my academics? what if i never met certain people, would i be happier? or would i be sadder? what if i did not join usp, would i be enjoying myself more? why do people like to impose their beliefs and emotions on others? why do i get affected by the people around me so much? am i weak? am i emotionally unstable? why is it that everything i do turns out to be bad, or wrong? why is physics so damn hard to grasp? why can't i remember the dates from my PS? how can i cope with so much stress? am i really that stupid? or am i not meant to strive in society? what if i learn that i have cancer? would that explain the pain that has been throbbing in the back of my left hemisphere these last 2 days? what if i had an accident while running? like fall down on the side of the road and get run over by a taxi? or a bus? what if i sprain my ankle? can i still walk back? why so i feel so dead when i am running? how can i be happier? can i start afresh? with a clean slate? maybe i should quite db and/or usp. or maybe even universtiy. but what would my parents think? i love my dad and my mom. i cant disappoint them. how can i ever disappoint them after all they did for me? why am i such a dickhead? why are people so damn smart? why do others always seem to have a better life? if i know what i am supposed to do, why am i not doing it? if i know how to manage my stress well, if i follow the prescriptions from the book, why am i still stressed? maybe i should just stop. and quit. everything. really. but i have to keep running. and get to my room, cos i need to piss. can i really give up everything? will people try to stop me? dissuade me? will my weak resolve stand up against my own better judgements? will they hate me? will they still talk to me? what if i run away from all of them? run away from everything, will that make me happy? can time just stand still so i can just stop and ponder without worrying about the exams? i dun see myself happy if this continues, what can i do to change things? what can i do to things that are beyond my control? why do i fear being hated? why do i fear loneliness? why do i fear falling sick? what are my goals? why am i not achieving them?

okie. so you all get the picture. i am just super stressed out. dun worry. those were just random thoughts that were running through my mind while i was running. at the end of the run, i felt a lot better. even as i typed them all out, or at least a fraction of what went through my brain, i feel a lot better. the wonders of catharsis. the wonders of blogging.

dun need for comfort. dun need for post cards. i know what all of you will say. its okay, save the time for studying, for relaxing. just hope that everyone will still fight on, as will i. soon, it will be all over. at least for 3 more months. but hopefully by then, i would have changed, to become a stronger man.

i wish for everyone to be happy. i wish for everyone to be contented. i wish for everyone to know how to moderate. i wish for everyone to smile. i wish for everyone to work hard for their exams. i wish for everyone to be considerate. i wish for everyone to be kind. i wish for everyone to be encouraging to one another. i wish everyone not to be overly selfish. i wish everyone like chocolate. i wish everyone good health. i wish everyone to be introspective. i wish....

finally, the last of my projects and presentations are over. over just today. now only left editing the report and to be handed in at science. and now i can start on my revision proper. yay. i need a lot of sleep. but just when i thought i could have one of my rare good nights sleep, my sister is staying over again tonight. ie we will be sharing the bed once more.

haha!!! well, i dun mind really, just that i get less quality sleep. haha!!! its not really comfortable at periodic moments when you have to semi-consciously be aware of your sleeping positioning, such that you do not invade her sleeping space... and you have to be careful not to flail your arms wildly in your sleep, so as not to accidentally hit her at all... ah well. not that i am not trained at all. half the time i am always harbouring someone, if not my sis, its alex, not alex, its... ah well... sigh.

so, its one week left to catch up on 1 sems worth of information. not that tough really. its just impossible. haha!!! still, i will have to try. but i will try tomorrow... cos i need to sleep. truly.

really, just want to say to all of you out there, seriously, truly, harden your determination and steel your resolve. how much do you want what you want? its out there. stay the course, stay focused and reach out for it. its yours.

whatever pressures, whatever stresses, whatever depression, whatever indignation, whatever horrible situations, i wont complain. i will keep it in, keep it calm, and just carry on. this is the prostestant work ethic. one day, God will resolve everything.

its unofficial, i have mood disorders.

was studying mood disorders in psychology ten minutes ago: it is a class of psycohlogical disorders involving disturbances in mood states. its a medical condition. its not my fault that i am always depressed. haha!! thats another factor in faulty thinking that leads to depression: the attributional style of "internal versus external" where i blame everyone else in the entire whole wide world, all except myself. increased in stress also induces increased vulnerability in depression. that means anything that stresses me out pushes me closer to the edge of reason. so what stresses me out? deadlines. stressed out people. bad service. cockroaches. not achieving personal aims. emotional baggage. sitting alone already depressed. people who treat me like a wash rag. okay. now, that just gets me angry and upset. but i guess they just fall under the "stress" category right?

anyway, i got this from someone else's blog:

i think i want to be left alone.
to just live in my solitude till at least the 30th?
but i am selfish..
can you be there when i need company?

i want the same. but maybe till the 4th of May can? when my own exams finally end? i am in the words of somebody else when i ask why he is studying so late: "desperate." but i just hope i dun end up sleeping on the floor like a guy and a girl that i know. or lose sleep like another girl.

bwahaha!! time to go back and study?

i wrote a long entry telling how screwed my day was. and i accidentally clicked the "back" button. things CANNOT get more screwed anymore.

i wrote a long entry telling how screwed my day was. and i accidentally clicked the "back" button. things CANNOT get more screwed anymore.

hey peepz! its 445 in the morning. and yes i am actually awake at this insane, inhuman hour. my mind is getting numb so i decided to blog a little while. and especially since i am seldom at this hour. let me recount the story slowly.

i was studying with alex and jul at the usual spot in the evening. alex was flapping his arms wildly like a bird (penguin?) trying to learn the aerodymics of the plane wing in the fluidity of air. well. lets just say he looked preetty farnee. kept sniggling cos he really looked like a penguin trying to fly.

saw jul in her state of stupor, with her head pressed on the table and under the hood of her team nus jacket. she slept only 2 hours last night.

i was getting saturated too, so i decided that it was time to go back. got my sister (she's sleeping in my bed as i speak), and the three us went back to pgp, while alex took his bus back home. back at pgp, had a nice chat over soup. i always felt it nice whenever i have ann around, cos its seldom i see family, and shes the closest i got. and its always comforting to know whats going on at home. well, as far as i know it, its the same as when i left it. i talked a lot though, behaving the fool i always have been. can never be as humourous as gm though, but i guess, i do have my own mc brand of humour, no matter how pathetic it is! haha!!

we left after a while, and just as i was about to get started on my stats, dear ol' daryl called. wanted to chat. i knew that he was going to be on the verge of a breakdown, for him to actually call me. that means, he is really desperate. haha!! so i went to his room and started to chatting with him. well, same old topics: studies and how his B pluses were not getting him anywhere, and gf problems, and heart matters. its always nice to hear him complain, cos he says it in such a comic way. its like hes genuinely frustrated, but he always has this hidden smile somewhere. and i will always smile back, knowing that he will always get past the hardest problems and come out well, even if his well is not good enough for him. but he will be happy soon after. hope he finishes his paper soon, and that he stops complaining how his B pluses are not good enough. i would kill for his grades. at least when alex got his B plus for his cognitive essay, he was happy. oh, but when he announced he got an A plus for his literature presentation, he was simply over the moon, beaming brighter than the moon on a cloudless night. so happy for them both.

and i actually fell asleep on daryls bed for 15 minutes!!! and i woke up to "there could be miracles" on daryl's lap top realising that i needed to get back to my sister who was studying in the seminar room waiting for my return.

and so i did. did not really cover much though, cos the longer i stayed awake, the harder it was to absorb. i could not go to sleep, because i was waiting for my supper. so i waited, tired, hungry and groggy. well, gm was supposed to get me food from holland village. but he called back to tell me he forgot. so they went to fong seng to get nasi goreng. waited for about an hour more... ( i am not ge gao. its just a factual statement.) and now i just finished my food, the gang left for bed, and i dun want to go back to sleep because i am now full, and sleeping will only make me fat. its now 5 am in the morning. and i can feel my biological clock in bits and pieces, wrecked by a conscious effort to push my own physical and mental limits. a headache. two dry eyes. and three statistic questions. hmm. should i stay awake till 6? or should i pack and retreat?

i need to wake up and secure my favourite spot again. hate for it to be usurped by anyone else but me. haha!!! its rainin now, maybe i should get into bed, which i need to share with my sister. oh sigh.

oh well, good morning everyone!

the word for today is expectations.
life is so full of disappointements.

things never ever go the way you want. the things you expect to happen never do happen.

like how i thought i would be enjoying university life after NS.
like how i thought i would be flying high because of my confidence in my abilities.
like how i thought i could easily get a room for the next sem.
like how i thought i could get an A for that test.
like how i thought i would be able to face all sorts of challenges head on.
like how i thought i would excel.

but such thoughts did not materialized.

its sort of a hard lesson i feel. this ability to handle disappointments. this restraint from setting too high expectation. the inevitable need to even expect.

a few lessons about expectations and disappointments i have learnt so far: I cannot apply the same standards and expectations on everyone. everyone is unique. I must know what to say to whom. people work differently, have different motivations, have different expectations.
situations are never as good as i wish they always are. the only thing i can do is to make the best of what i have.
i cannot always think the future is bright and everything will go my way. things will change. situations will changes, times will change, people will change, I will change. Friends will not always be there for me, the school will not always be there for me, the team will not always be there for me. and i mean it in the absolute terms, and in any sort of certainty.
well, there is always family and god. and at times, they will also forsake or neglect me. the first and most reliable person me myself. and someitmes even the self is not always the best person to turn to. but the self should always be the first and foremost person i should count on. if i do not save myself who is going to save me right?
another thing i learnt over the last few days, if something someone said in defense of vanity and narcissism, and it kinda makes sense. if you do not love yourself, how can you love others? if you do not take care of yourself, or make the effort to take care of yourself, how can you account for personal responsiblity? there are so many things i have yet to convince myself that i am fine with. i still have to work on them.
and also, i cannot expect the status quo to maintain itself indefinitely. the best times will end, and the worst times never last. i must keep the faith when going through trials and tribulations and I cannot keep clinging onto the good things, wishing that they will never go away.

i feel weak, and down and depressed. but i am still alive, and i am still fighting and learning.

just so you all know: mugger in transformation. beware of stressful outburst of himbotic complaints and esoteric ramblings of heat equations, binomial theorems, psychology concepts, ideological warfares and foreign diplomacy tools.

keep away if you do not wish to be affected by a disaffected, stressed out, pressured, constantly irritated book worm with a tendency to snap at others.

approach with caution, chocolate and/or a can of coffee.

you have been warned.

hey peepz! its 230 in the morning. and one reason why i am not sleeping yet, is that my long awaited naruto is currently being downloaded at 99%... and the minutes left keep fluctuating from 1 minute to 7 minutes and back again. ooohhh... the agony of waiting. so i decided to come up here and occupy myself before the excitement begins.

i am feeling very happy today. because for the first time in 2 days, finally, i have the whole bed to myself again! haha!! thats because i have been entertaining certain guests in my room over the last two nights. for a hermit like me, guest are always more than... oh! finish downloading! bye! yay!

its 830 in the morning. i think i am up really early. haha!!! this time, its not because of sun lit rooms or horrifying nightmares that made me wake up screaming "ahhh!!! i dun want a 2.5 cap score!!!" i got push off the bed this time. ok ok... not really pushed off... but a buddy who's come to sleep over has gradually dominated my most treasured space. wanted to fight back, but was too tired to. so i just decided to wake up early one morning to check on my downloading of naruto.

its 2 episodes this time because the one last week is pushed to this week. and how i hate the fact that my internet connection does not seem to be working!!!! i left my lap top on through out the entire night for it to download and what do i get? a measly 15%!!!!!!! argh!!! usually by this time, i would be emmersed in the moments of fantastical animation!!! and you all should know how i feel towards naruto... the angst of anticipation, the tension of waiting. looks like i have to wait some more....

yay! its connect again... but i wonder for how long...

anyway, i just want to say, that for all my friends who are currently facing some sort of crises and personal battes, and undergoing a period of anguish or depression, i really do hope that things will get better. i really do hope that things will be solved. and i hope that some measure of action, initiative and responsibility has been resolved to be taken to make things right. someone was right in telling me once a upon a time, that life is a matter of choice. you choose to be angry, you choose to be sad, you choose to be happy, you choose to be cheerful. or perhaps, it would be more appropriate to say, you choose to try to be happy. i always believe that happiness is a personal pursuit. you will have to recreate happiness. well, how you define happiness is up to the individual again. just make sure it does not involve sadism, or fetishes. or little children. please.

then again, i always wonder what happiness really is. am i really happy? what do i have to do to be really happy? a few times, i thought of going to church and experience mass euphoria, and emotional release. is that happiness? some people, happiness is getting on the main team, some is finding a partner, some is just having loyal friends, some people just wants a girl to have by his side. some is getting that 1000 dollar bag that looks totally gay but want it nonetheless, some is getting good grades, some is just simply passing. some is a nice cup of campbell mushroom cheese soup, some is simply some food to survive the night. it really depends on the individual.

i used to think that happiness means everyone is a function of my happiness. that friends are tools, means to an end, having intrinsic utility value. so i took them for granted, and ended up hurting them, driving them away. i called them when i needed them, i neglect them when i don't. i did not care a hoot what they feel about me as long as they give me what i want. i never stopped to say thank you. i never stopped to think about them. sometimes i just trampled on their feelings, by saying insensitive things, sometimes i just get angry easily and rail at them for not paying attention to my moods. and when they are not there, i call them up to scream at them and ask where they are at my moments of desperation, and casually dismiss their own moments of desperation as childish mood swings. yes. the immaturity of being human. not that i am mature. so many times, i still commit the same crimes i told myself i would not do. and so many times i faltered at my most unconscious. i am still learning, and am still trying. to adapt, to understand, to apply...

right now, i want to know how is it to deal with different sorts of people, because everyone is unique; and how do i make people happy, without it costing my own personal happiness.

i wonder if God has heard my prayers.

i dunno if god heard my prayers... so i decided to pray harder.

Dear God, i pray for PEACE... PEACE... PEACE... and god dammit, i want it now!

amen.