the word for today is expectations.
life is so full of disappointements.

things never ever go the way you want. the things you expect to happen never do happen.

like how i thought i would be enjoying university life after NS.
like how i thought i would be flying high because of my confidence in my abilities.
like how i thought i could easily get a room for the next sem.
like how i thought i could get an A for that test.
like how i thought i would be able to face all sorts of challenges head on.
like how i thought i would excel.

but such thoughts did not materialized.

its sort of a hard lesson i feel. this ability to handle disappointments. this restraint from setting too high expectation. the inevitable need to even expect.

a few lessons about expectations and disappointments i have learnt so far: I cannot apply the same standards and expectations on everyone. everyone is unique. I must know what to say to whom. people work differently, have different motivations, have different expectations.
situations are never as good as i wish they always are. the only thing i can do is to make the best of what i have.
i cannot always think the future is bright and everything will go my way. things will change. situations will changes, times will change, people will change, I will change. Friends will not always be there for me, the school will not always be there for me, the team will not always be there for me. and i mean it in the absolute terms, and in any sort of certainty.
well, there is always family and god. and at times, they will also forsake or neglect me. the first and most reliable person me myself. and someitmes even the self is not always the best person to turn to. but the self should always be the first and foremost person i should count on. if i do not save myself who is going to save me right?
another thing i learnt over the last few days, if something someone said in defense of vanity and narcissism, and it kinda makes sense. if you do not love yourself, how can you love others? if you do not take care of yourself, or make the effort to take care of yourself, how can you account for personal responsiblity? there are so many things i have yet to convince myself that i am fine with. i still have to work on them.
and also, i cannot expect the status quo to maintain itself indefinitely. the best times will end, and the worst times never last. i must keep the faith when going through trials and tribulations and I cannot keep clinging onto the good things, wishing that they will never go away.

i feel weak, and down and depressed. but i am still alive, and i am still fighting and learning.