its 830 in the morning. i think i am up really early. haha!!! this time, its not because of sun lit rooms or horrifying nightmares that made me wake up screaming "ahhh!!! i dun want a 2.5 cap score!!!" i got push off the bed this time. ok ok... not really pushed off... but a buddy who's come to sleep over has gradually dominated my most treasured space. wanted to fight back, but was too tired to. so i just decided to wake up early one morning to check on my downloading of naruto.

its 2 episodes this time because the one last week is pushed to this week. and how i hate the fact that my internet connection does not seem to be working!!!! i left my lap top on through out the entire night for it to download and what do i get? a measly 15%!!!!!!! argh!!! usually by this time, i would be emmersed in the moments of fantastical animation!!! and you all should know how i feel towards naruto... the angst of anticipation, the tension of waiting. looks like i have to wait some more....

yay! its connect again... but i wonder for how long...

anyway, i just want to say, that for all my friends who are currently facing some sort of crises and personal battes, and undergoing a period of anguish or depression, i really do hope that things will get better. i really do hope that things will be solved. and i hope that some measure of action, initiative and responsibility has been resolved to be taken to make things right. someone was right in telling me once a upon a time, that life is a matter of choice. you choose to be angry, you choose to be sad, you choose to be happy, you choose to be cheerful. or perhaps, it would be more appropriate to say, you choose to try to be happy. i always believe that happiness is a personal pursuit. you will have to recreate happiness. well, how you define happiness is up to the individual again. just make sure it does not involve sadism, or fetishes. or little children. please.

then again, i always wonder what happiness really is. am i really happy? what do i have to do to be really happy? a few times, i thought of going to church and experience mass euphoria, and emotional release. is that happiness? some people, happiness is getting on the main team, some is finding a partner, some is just having loyal friends, some people just wants a girl to have by his side. some is getting that 1000 dollar bag that looks totally gay but want it nonetheless, some is getting good grades, some is just simply passing. some is a nice cup of campbell mushroom cheese soup, some is simply some food to survive the night. it really depends on the individual.

i used to think that happiness means everyone is a function of my happiness. that friends are tools, means to an end, having intrinsic utility value. so i took them for granted, and ended up hurting them, driving them away. i called them when i needed them, i neglect them when i don't. i did not care a hoot what they feel about me as long as they give me what i want. i never stopped to say thank you. i never stopped to think about them. sometimes i just trampled on their feelings, by saying insensitive things, sometimes i just get angry easily and rail at them for not paying attention to my moods. and when they are not there, i call them up to scream at them and ask where they are at my moments of desperation, and casually dismiss their own moments of desperation as childish mood swings. yes. the immaturity of being human. not that i am mature. so many times, i still commit the same crimes i told myself i would not do. and so many times i faltered at my most unconscious. i am still learning, and am still trying. to adapt, to understand, to apply...

right now, i want to know how is it to deal with different sorts of people, because everyone is unique; and how do i make people happy, without it costing my own personal happiness.

i wonder if God has heard my prayers.