i really think i am breaking down. cos i am beginning to do weird things, and starting to think weird things. my judgements get imparied, my feelings get numbed and my head gets poundings.

while i was studying last night, or at least trying to study last night, i suddenly go the urge to just pack up and leave. and so i did. when i got back to my room, i suddenly go the urge to go and run. and so i did. i felt like running alone, and so i did.

ran the haw par villa route. i thought i would destress. my mind keep repeating the ending song from naruto.. (hitotsu.. hitotsu... and i found out later that it means "one by one". how apt) and behind that song, my mind was going crazy with all sorts of hypothesis and imagination. they dun really mean much, except that i have an overheated mind.

what if i did not come university, would i still succeed? need i go through all the tortures that i am experiencing now? especially nearing the exams? what if i did not join db? would i be struggling with my academics? what if i never met certain people, would i be happier? or would i be sadder? what if i did not join usp, would i be enjoying myself more? why do people like to impose their beliefs and emotions on others? why do i get affected by the people around me so much? am i weak? am i emotionally unstable? why is it that everything i do turns out to be bad, or wrong? why is physics so damn hard to grasp? why can't i remember the dates from my PS? how can i cope with so much stress? am i really that stupid? or am i not meant to strive in society? what if i learn that i have cancer? would that explain the pain that has been throbbing in the back of my left hemisphere these last 2 days? what if i had an accident while running? like fall down on the side of the road and get run over by a taxi? or a bus? what if i sprain my ankle? can i still walk back? why so i feel so dead when i am running? how can i be happier? can i start afresh? with a clean slate? maybe i should quite db and/or usp. or maybe even universtiy. but what would my parents think? i love my dad and my mom. i cant disappoint them. how can i ever disappoint them after all they did for me? why am i such a dickhead? why are people so damn smart? why do others always seem to have a better life? if i know what i am supposed to do, why am i not doing it? if i know how to manage my stress well, if i follow the prescriptions from the book, why am i still stressed? maybe i should just stop. and quit. everything. really. but i have to keep running. and get to my room, cos i need to piss. can i really give up everything? will people try to stop me? dissuade me? will my weak resolve stand up against my own better judgements? will they hate me? will they still talk to me? what if i run away from all of them? run away from everything, will that make me happy? can time just stand still so i can just stop and ponder without worrying about the exams? i dun see myself happy if this continues, what can i do to change things? what can i do to things that are beyond my control? why do i fear being hated? why do i fear loneliness? why do i fear falling sick? what are my goals? why am i not achieving them?

okie. so you all get the picture. i am just super stressed out. dun worry. those were just random thoughts that were running through my mind while i was running. at the end of the run, i felt a lot better. even as i typed them all out, or at least a fraction of what went through my brain, i feel a lot better. the wonders of catharsis. the wonders of blogging.

dun need for comfort. dun need for post cards. i know what all of you will say. its okay, save the time for studying, for relaxing. just hope that everyone will still fight on, as will i. soon, it will be all over. at least for 3 more months. but hopefully by then, i would have changed, to become a stronger man.