yeah! finally watched a top grade movie. the incredibles was superb. so worth the money. melvin said its worth watching a second time. and i so agree. its like shrek. worth getting the dvd and savouring every moment of it. although shrek is still my favourite cartoon of all time. incredibles is super action pack. shrek is spendidly witty and intellectual.

i am sad, cos alvin says us ns sergeants are drifting away, distancing from each other. its our fault. i blamed circumstances, but he's right when he said "circumstances are not our means." our actions determine our consequences. sorry yao. sorry alvin. sorry for making the past seem like a distant memory that needs no reminescing. sorry for not recognizing the present as so precious to reaffirm our bonds and ties.

tomorrow is another day then. to see our paths, access our options and determine our futures. carpe diem.

finally started to clear my room. messy. messy. messy. all over the floor. all over the bed. i think i will have to sleep on the couch. haha! its interesting how much notes i have amassed over the course of one sem. its quite scary. realised i never read one-quater of them. so why did i even bother? oh right. the security i derive from the knowledge that i have notes. stupid.

went out with my mom to go window shopping, my mom's favourite livlihood. was hoping to sponge off my mom actually. but in that 5 hours of walking, my mom was the only one buying things. even though she agreed to pay for me, she set limits: the shirts of my choice must be below 20 dollars. i mean like, erm... the nice shirts are all above 30 dollars. hell, even the ugly ones were above 30... i just walked around in continual dismal. i wanted to buy a cap from nike.. but my mom refused. saying we have so many caps at home. yes mom, all the ones that publicise the SAF. no way i am going to be caught dead wearing them. ah. that's why i prefer shopping alone. no one to critcise or stop me from buying stuff.

wanted to play pool with ZX last night. but he had a rehearsal for his church for christmas. said he was tired. the poor chap. giving his life so much for christ and the church. invited me to watch. told me to get merv and yx too. i could just imagine. beautiful show.. and then the preaching starts. yes, give your life to god! and have eternal life... and that sort of stuff. had it once. scared me out of my wits. wonder whats the effect like 6 years after should it reoccur.

have i said before that i felt i lost my friends who give themselves to god? no? i say it now. i feel sometimes i lost my friends who have decided to give themselves to god. sometimes, i feel they have gotten so holy and their heads are in heaven, and not on earth. they are happier. but not because of me. i have friends who refuse to love anyone not a christian. does that qualify for bigamy? or religious discrimination? hm. i wonder.

sun yan zi's latest album is da bomb. its great. she's great. i recommend you get it. dun burn it. support our star! buy her album! and you get a sun yan zi xiao3 bei4 xin1!!! its a cute, tiny singlet with her name imprinted on it. i am glad my sis bought it... now i am just playing it on continuous mode on my player. milu milu...

just "passed" my driving evaluation yesterday. my instructor was scolding me all the way. i feel so sad. its my supposedly last lesson, and i still drive like a drunk driver. my instructor said i drive "dangerous". sigh. all my friends assured me that i should be able to pass on my first try. ZX said all men can do it. its the whole men Vs women driving thing. he said its "instinctive" and "natural" for all men to be able to drive well.. i was like.. okie.. i.. am.. a.. woman.. then... argh! the agony. i simply cant multitask. i cant steer a bend while changing from gear 2 to 3 while checking my blind spot... its just too much... i want to pass on my first try.. but i dun want to die in my first accident. oh. and the only day i can book for my driving test is the very day i have to go for my NS reservist recall briefing. i think its a sign. i cannot drive... i should not drive... and god is doing everything to prevent me from reaching that goal... maybe at least until i convert. then if i die in a horrible car crash, at least i go heaven.

oh one more thing. i am just amazed at the technology of underwear... while i was walking around.. i went to see if i needed some briefs.. i thought g-string was outrageous... now its made of "micro-fibres" ie... holes... for breathability i guess. but i was kinda surprised... netted underwear.... its like half naked.. and g string is like already half naked.. so that makes it one-quater naked... haha!!! oh dear.. the industry is doing everything to make underwears as "little" as possible, providing maximum exposure, with at least a minimum support. its quite funny. and a female assistant was opening boxes to show her male colleague the underwears... he was mildly surprised. she was playing with it. hm... i felt quite uneasy at how people talk about skimpy guys underwear so liberally. but i must admit.. the material was quite silky. i was imagining its comfort. then i thought it was kinda kinky. haha!! but i cant have them.. my mom, would like scream... and question me in front of the family what a triagular peice of cloth with two strings was supposed to be. imagine the embarassment.

finally, some time back. exams are finally over. the reasons why i studied and slaved all the way for 3 months. over. done. past tense. but yet if feels so surreal. so many thoughts running through my head. a feeling, that i wont do well. no As... maybe not even Bs...

after the paper, met up with darryl. he started moaning about how he wont be able to get As and A pluses. haha! funny guy. worked hard. hope he does well, cos he deserves it. and he's going back to camp to work through the holidays. at least he gets to be with his gf everday (she works there with him). haha!!! finally, some time for them to be together.

the point for me at least is, are the As really that important? then it begs the question is USP that important? or even dragonboat? or even university for that matter. sigh. another one of those comtemplatory moments.... i mean, there were many many times, i just could not motivate myself to study. maybe there isn't a reason strong enough? so why am i here? for the future? hmm... okay zip it. the philosophical questions are way over my head.

benson ang called just now. he's back from australia. glad to know he's back for the hols as well. was chatting with him on the phone, listening tell me all the australian stories, how life there is so much more relaxed. how beer is the water there. how making friends are so much easier when he was drunk. i heard its easy to lose your virginity there. i wonder if benson... hmm... still, glad to know one friend is still safe and sound and alive.

okay, now that the exams are done. what now? oh yah. pool.

yes! i am down to simply editing my essays. like finally. i am so going to finish my essays by tonight. so i feel a little excited, jumped the gun and decided to do a little blogging before actual completion.
still the pressure to start revision is there. i need to really start.

went for db training again. its the last training before regatta. was hoping it was going to be a great day to be a morale booster before the competition. in the end, we din really beat safsa, and went on par with ngee ann. its a little disappoiting. maybe its just me. thought my newly bought aqua shoes would make all the difference. sigh. felt so tired. so lethergic. the race day better, better be better. no it will be the best. that is if my revision is done by then. haha!!

sometimes, there are these days i feel that everything i do is wrong, and everything i do causes more inconveniences to the people around me. there are days when i just feel so low. question my existence, question my being. its not a really a spiritual inquiry. its just one of those day i feel worthless, cant contribute positively to my environment. i am not making them happy. i am just making them frustrated. these are the days i feel i am just a mere cockroach. a pest. a menace. i feel so pressurized to perform and yet no knows i am here. its just a crushing feeling. that's all. but then i used to get them for long periods of time in secondary school. i learn to appreciate myself. call it delusion if you want. it works. i learn to carry on living. i learn to carry on learning. its what you call life. see. i feel better about myself already.

my sister likes liang jing ru. using her laptop. listening to her songs. i am beginning to like her to.

lesson of the day: macdonalds fries get soggy really fast.

hey everybody. right now i am in gm room, eating macedemia cookies and charging my sister's lap top. thank you gm, thank you some-bakery-in-holland-village and thank you to my sister.

feeling a little better. confident of completing my essays by tomorrow. i hope. many plans never come to fruition. this better do.

went out with PQ, Ben and JW yesterday for dinner at kenny rogers. great dinner. always great to see JW again, and always entertaining to watch Ben make us fool of himself. but a great dinner generally. JW looked to tired. its perhaps the work at her school. seems like she's getting better at the job. she says its because of the accompaniment of two of her best guy friends, ben and mark. bless them all. Ben is handling so many ccas at once, i dunno how he managed to cope. but he's just joined the young pap. yes. the singapore equivalent of Hitler's Youth back then. he's one more step closer to world domination. you go ben. he has the capacity to be singapore's pm. just not the intelligence though. nor the maturity. haha!!! kiddin boy. you are there. just not there yet. after that we went to watch sharks tale. nice show but i think its going to go under the sea. not as nice as nemo. wont be as classic as the little mermaid. i give it 3 stars.

i am feeling quite tired sometimes of hurting people. and people complaining about my inadequacies. i need to pull up my socks. i need to get my game together. i need a lot of alcohol.

went to the law faculty student lounge with PQ. just as i was going to go off and buy dinner, this guy inside actually asked PQ and I whether or not we were law students. the tone was harsh and cold. so lawyerish. you see, the place required a law student's card to access its sacred grounds. and the guy asked such a dumb question. but that's not the issue. its the issue of exclusivity. the fact the PQ was able to gain access to the holy grounds of the LAW student lounge already proves that he's a faithul alcolyte of the holy books of the constitution, and to ask the question was obviously to confirm our identities. if we were not law students, one can just imagine how we were going to hell for stepping into the land of the rich, famous and apparently snobbish. its not an insult. its just a reflection of what culture that is perpetuating the student in the law faculty. i dun want to generalise. its just that my first outing to the law fac and meeting aspiring lawyer left me with a bad impression. i understand the hype and the oohs and aahs of being a lawyer. i tease PQ all the time. but even he was repulsed at the inquiry. he swore he will be the nicest, sweetest lawyer ever. i have my doubts. not that he's incapable. its just that the nature of the job will change him insidiously. but he has my support. i hope to see his aspirations come true. same goes to all my lawyer friends! valerie, vanessa, renita, and the gang. i want to be proud of you guys.

regatta is coming. am i ready?

lesson of the day: dun buy macedemia cookies from the bakery in holland vilage.

making this short tonight.

slept late. woke up early. training. died. metaphorically. lessons learnt: sleep early have breakfast. sounds simple. then why dun i do it? sigh. i am either too rebellious or too stupid. so what absolutely simple thing you know you should do but have yet to do it today? go do it now.

medicine melvin keeps calling me baka inu. hm. seems like another voyeur is keenly interested in the daily life of the stupid dog. haha!!! well, melvin, hope you have been relishing deliciously on my every word. but seriously, its getting alittle freaky. haha!! so when i can read yours? the diary of the narcissistic doctor.

lesson of the day: see above.

its deepavali eve! totally lost track of time. thought there was going to be a ps lecture tomorrow. was kinda hit into rememberance by the strong wafts of indians in the mrt. dun mean to be racist here, but i mean, it was like woah! there were so many indians, in the mrt, i thought the lights went out. i mean, there were sooo many indians i din think a fly could have survived the smell. i mean there were soooooooooo many indians. okay. i should stop. but really, there were so many...

db regatta is this big race. and its happening on the 20 and 21. my exams on the 23. hiaz. well. i was really hoping to just be in the mixed team, but my name was found on both the inter varsity and men's open team. i was a little surprised. and a little disappointed. where's my mixed team?? i want to row with the girls! haha!!! in any case, i have to prep myself up then. damn. have not been training for 5 days now.. alex says i have gotten fat. come to think of it, my six packs disappeared! argh!!!

but my main concern is really the response i have gotten from some of my friends. some of them are not rowing, cos they have papers and such. i am not really clear with everybody's details, but generally those who were not selected, were quite disappointed. its really sad, that should anyone have put in so much effort and dedication, and not be allowed to row. that's injustice. maybe there are reasons. i dunno. i dun know what to make of this situation. the fact is i am rowing myself, so i do feel as emotionally acutely as them. but i get the picture. i have been there myself. i am sure we all have. but i just know, i wont just quit or stop my dedication there and then. look at my paper 2. my prof made me right again. and i continued to put in the effort. okay, as usual, my analogy is inappropriate but i am sure you get the idea. right? right? sigh.

i just hope that whatever happens, selected or unselected, win or lose, rain or shine, we, as dragonboaters will continue to strive and work hard. its a goal that's up there, way way up there. and that's what makes the challenge all the more worthwhile. and if we do win, makes the victory oh so sweet. if i am not rowing now, i will want to row next sem. if not next sem, the next next sem. that's the idea of meritocracy right? that's how our society works right? i will complain till the cows come home. but after i realise i am left all alone in the fields, with no more cows to bitch to, i, too will walk my way back.

i got one more essay about my favourite politician, machiavelli. and one more, if and only if, mr nerney does not change my thesis for paper 3. i think i put in a decent effort. i will put in more effort if he does not throw my paper out the window! oh god! please!!! please!!! please!!!

ok. now i am sounding desperate. wait. i AM desperate. and stressed and pressurized and about the blow up. no. kiddin. i may scream and complain and all, but i will get over it all. we all will. whether we like it or not, the days will come and they will go. so lets just make the best out of it all shall we?

lesson of the day: wear a belt when your pants are larger than your waist size.

okay. i am not supposed to make this entry tonight at 1230 in the morning. no i am not mugging, contrary to what everybody thinks i am doing. i am doing a draft for paper 3 for tomorrow's conference of which i have a strange feeling its going to end up like paper 2 again. the fear, the trepidation, the horror. sigh. half way. think i am going to have to last to 4 again this morning. wish me luck.

so many things can happen in a few days. i am emotionally sapped, mentally drained, physically stressed. sigh.

i am trying to cope with the exam stress, and gm was kind enough to share his room with me, let me use his lap top, let me sleep on his bed, lent me his toothpaste. awww... so sweet. it only made me realise how much i need and want a room all for myself. well, thanks again gm. it was so kind of you to accomodate my selfish desires. there need more kind, happy go lucky souls in these world like you.

i got scolded for being an insensitive jerk. i got bashed for being a selfish bastard. sigh. i am. i admit. and i am trying to change. some of you guys may not see it, but only those who know me well enough are kind enough to point out my flaws.

i realise how may great friends i have with me. many i have distanced away, but many i have gained. i should not bewail those i have lost, but instead pause the thank all those i have gained. so here goes. first up, many thanks to pq for putting up with all my nonsense. he's the main reason why i am in db in the first place, if he did not persuade me to stay, even though i know the reason is really to accompany him, but it did not discount the fact that i had an epiphany on the first day that led to my decision to commit myslef to db. i have known him for 5 close to 6 years now. gosh, has it been that long? hm. well, here's a special thanks for being here.
second, its alvin chow kiat. he's one of my best friends from ns, and has been chatting and encouraging me throughout this entire sem. he's corny jokes are one of a kind. we enjoyed it so much. i know he wants me to convert, but i have constantly be eluding him. been eluding god. but he never gives up. thanks.
third, its yao. another great friend from ns. even though we stopped dancing, i enjoyed all the lindy hop sessions, and all the chats back home. hope see play pool with him and mark after the exams.
fourth is eileen. that girl has always been a constant source of worry for me. cos i know she is not studying, but somewhere out there netballing, roving, or singing in the church choir. i enjoyed her chats and her company. really want her to do well for the exams, cos i lent her my textbook.
fifth, is the db guys, especially riesal, guomin, archi melvin, jason, noel, wintson, ah fu, teddy, stanly, james, xiangyi and the seniors all provided me with a social life i never had, a reminder of male friendships reminicent of ns.
sixth, darryl. i dun think he knows this blog, but ah well. he's been around since usp camp, and has been around ever since. see him almost everyday cos we take 4 out of 5 modules together. we know each other's academic life in and out. esp for the writing module, which we bitch about all the time. i think right now, he's also doing the paper 3 draft. he's been another kind soul to let me sleep over in his room, and to share notes and the write notes for me when i deliberately skip class. although he keeps teasing me about me being in rj and being smart and all, we get the same grades. so either you are as smart as me, brudder, or i am as dumb as you.
last but not least alex. my best study mate, always so considerate. although he always bitches, and whines and complains, he's there at my most stressful moments, my most depressing days, and most frustrating times. being able to see him and study with him everyday for provided me with an emotional anchor point, a regulairity and a reference point in my constant navigating through the dangerous waters of university.

yup. there you go. this is practically my social life. of course, i must never discount the little moments i have had with people like kaiyong, hock, stephen, JW, liza, bryan, mark, ZX YX and merv (!!!!), as well, as bobby, lihui, zhihong, ailing, winnie, and the girl with the blond hair and english accent and red laptop in ps class. well, thanks and thanks again all. if i missed out any of you. please reply in my blog to bash me up. cos i really am running out of time and need to start on my essay. haha!!!

lesson of the day: the lap top is not necessary but it is REALLY helpful, especially when doing essays.

doing work, in GM's room (gasp what are you doing in his room?!), typing on his laptop in a futile attempt to do my sociology summaries as part of my tutorial assignment due in 14 hours time. thought that i would just do a little blogging to clear my mind, rest my spirits and consolidate my energies before i get down jiggy with it. feel myself enervating though...

i was feeling so desperate to finish this work, that i deliberately skipped my virute and leadership lesson today (gasp you skipped class?!). i was so bent to doing my work. yet, in the 5 hours i had in the library, i was sleeping for 3. cos one, i slept at 3 the night before, two the chair was so comfortable, and three, i just felt really lazy. so yeah. i pulled myself out of the library and went for db training. ironic eh? for me to skip lessons and go for physical training. what's up with me nowadays. especially so when i experienced a panic attack at 2 am last night just thinking about how much work i still have and how much more work i have to do to catch up and prepare for the exams. maybe this is another instance of procrastination and self deulsion.

speaking of self delusion, mr nerney has returned me my paper two, and with it, the grade. i dun want to open it up and look at it. i have a nagging feeling i will be thoroughly disappointed. probably a B. i would be so distracted, i wont be able to study. so i think i will only open it up after the exams. yes. that's what i will do. im a coward. smart. but a coward.

db training was fun, as usual. was not so tough. a good workout. now i feel physical lethargy. i want to sleep. but i have to work. jiahe was saying how everyone will be rowing, which means i will probably be rowing as well. oh dear. i never counted on being a participant in regatta. i was giving myself one year. i was hoping to be sidelined, and just watch and support the guys. and now, the prospect is solidifying. oh dear. i should i have trained more in the past.

slept through during ps lecture today, during the part when professors were introducing the different sub branches of ps. it got me wonder, if ps is the major for me, since i could be so easily prompted to sleep. its a path. of no return. as is with all the other majors. okie. stop. i am worrying myself again.


GM is such a romantic. he's waiting for the right girl to come. he reminds me of yesterday when my sociology tutor george radics said that we have all been preconditioned by and have become obsessed of the idea of the one true love. the idea that there is one girl waiting out there, who is meant for me and me alone, and that if i search hard enough, we will be together, forever and ever. when he put it that way. yeah, it did sound kinda bullshitty. have the notion of marriage and romance been overly romanticized by countless upon countless of love movies, and drama serials and literature? have we been bombarded and inundated by seemingly noble and ultimate versions of love that we are driving ourselves insane? how are we supposed to behave? how are we supposed to react? i dunno. i just want love. and be happy with it.

got my reservist letter. told to report on 30 dec. recall anytime between 8 jan onwards. am i supposed to be happy? am i supposed to be reluctant? i dunno again. i dun feel anything now. i just feel my brain liquidating. will blog later again. after my work. and if i come out of it alive.

lesson of the day: the library is too comfortable.

yeah! finally get to blog again. its been what, three days? was rushing my cyrus essay. was rushing paper 3 draft. will be rushing sociology assignment. that's life. and exams coming. more and more stress. yeah!

went for writing module. showed my draft to nitesh and petrina. nitesh is really smart, very intellectual and not afraid to shoot his mouth off. basically slammed my draft, much like Mr. Nerney, only more direct and much, much, much clearer. i was feeling dialectic, whether or not to hit him because of his criticisms or to hug him because they were constructive. haha!!! in the end, was more happy than angry (actually din feel any rage) cos i had a much clearer idea what i will want to do for the paper. one thing that really pissed me, i guess, was that i find my intellectual capabilities lacking in comparison to his. maybe its his being from india, but then i am being racist, saying that all indians are smart. he's the exception. (oops. i think i just made a discriminatory comment). i wonder if theres a prescription for smarter thinking. somehow, i think my brainiac abilities have settled into comfortable state of stupor and blankness. i dun think i can think critically, i dun think i have great analysing skills, i dun think i can make ground breaking inferences. i have become the average man. i have become ordinary. oh ... my... god...

maybe that's why i borrow a book called "logical thinking", full of examples and exercises. it seems i have established a belief that everything can be learnt from books. living, thinking, feeling, believing. i seem to think they can all be learnt. can they? or am i doomed to be like i am as i am? no. i dun want to believe that. i want to believe that i can improve, and if i dun have anyone i can learn all these from, i will learn through books. at least books dun slam my ideas.

db was comparatively less strenuous today. concluded i cant sprint. only better in long distance. always have a mental block. i wonder if there's a book on how to run fast....
no, of course not. it takes practice, it takes training, it takes conceited effort and tangible action. i have to work harder.

that's the thing, i keep saying i will work harder. and i do, but i dun see tangible results. friends will encourage me to keep going for i will see the fruits of my labour... eventually.... god is kind, my sincerity will be repaid.. and all that kind of motivational speeches. i know. cos i say it myself. but then, they never considered the possiblity that what if it does not happen. many people in the course of history have worked their ass off, some literally and some metaphorically. but the point is, some people's efforts DO go unnoticed, some DO go unrecognised, some even misrepresented or misinterpreted. what if i am one of them? one of them who will pass by the annals of time unheard, unseen, unknown? worse, branded as a traitor, or bastard, or loser? i think too much. no. i worry too much. i dun think critically, i think fantastically. so whats the message? just keep being sincere, and just keep going.

GM said that his friend told him that his blog is boring. i told them that that's because he dun blog that much, and that he din blog about his friend. i told him that friends are not so much interested in his life per se, but rather what he has to say about them. you who are reading this are not going to remember all my bitching and ranting. you will probably only remember what i say about you. if its good, you will come over to me and smile more frequently. if its bad, unless you are my true friend, you will come smiling to me with a dagger under your shirt. so how? i will blog and bitch and rant anyway. cos i dun care about you. i care about me. haha!!!

i want a house with a queen size bed.

lesson of the day: if you want to stay in a hostel, make sure you apply at the beginning of the sem. they dun have any accomodation for students who wish to stay over. if you want, bunk over a friends, or just sleep on one of the benches.