heh. cap dropped. not good. jia you.

waiting waiting waiting.

the holidays has been great. if not only a continuation of tumult ever since goodness knows when.

ever realised one is descending into a whirlpool of madness and insanity?

i need to get drunk, without getting an allergic reaction.

i need to dance, without looking all too rigid.

i need to do something, without caring for anyone else.

i need to sleep, without having to worry.

i need to know, without having to cause anymore pain.

i need to eat, without getting fat.

i need to get out of this country, without having my parents grumble about money.

i need a camera, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a fashion make over, without my parents grumbling about money.

i need a life, without my parents grumbling about money.

now, what do i need? i need money.

wow. that's a revelation.

so i wrote " you've waited for so long, what's waiting one more night?" and "dun expect, dun pressure, dun hope, dun push. just let things be. please."

wow. i look at that and i wonder how long i can last without putting myself under the intense pressure of self-scrutiny and criticism.

life should be simple right? why am i putting myself through unspeakable complications? life should be straightforward right? why am i going round and round the same stupid circle, only to commit the same idiotic mistakes and coming back to squre one?

life. life. life. life is worth living. so why do i feel so dead? life is great? so why do i feel so sad? hiaz.

i know the problem, i know the solution, yet the solution deludes me as i chase my own shadow. my shadow being my other half. what an apt metaphor. metaphor for the intrinsic loneliness.

im not without friends. im just without self-love and a serious way to laugh at myself, my foolishness, my idiocy, my stupidity, my immaturity, and at the end of the day, smile and accept myself in my entirety.

i seek acceptance. only i seek it from myself.

i seek improvement. only i hope to see myself improving.

i seek companionship. only i dun just want my shadow.

its weird typing all these at 2 am in the morning. only because i am letting my poetic despondence drifting into the whirlpool of madness and insanity.

i want to read dante's inferno.

sounds like an adventure.

hey peepz!

i know i have so not been posting for a very very very long time to update about my life. you know, the normal yedda yedda yedda protocol to yell to the world that im actually still alive, even if you have all forgottening i existed.

well, basically, exmas are over. so its time to resurface into the world i once knew, only to realise so little, and yet, so much has changed.

this sem has been my most horrible. haven spoken to and have missed so much friends like daryl and mel. have gone through a lot of emotional ups and downs. got to know some friends a lot better than i have ever known them like jo and dy. all in all, i think i screwed up my academics. yay.

all sem, i have only been hearing of the escapades of my sister who has practically set her foot in every decent touristy country this earth has to offer, and of my brother who has spent one entire year in korea and has finally returned back to singapore. and all sem, the hottest topic on the lips of my dad is how much money my siblings have spent thus far.

so and so, its even made me guilty for staying in hall for this 4 months because i am simply too lazy to move out. or rather, i rationalised that staying in renders the need to shift my a billion and one things back home only to wait another 3 weeks to have them shift them back here when the semester starts. so yar.

in any case, i decided to scrap the idea of getting the canon a710 camera, when that desire was lingering all year. i decided to scrap the intention of taking up biking lessons when i get opposition from family and friends. i decided to just stay in my room during the holidays more often to i can save on the dollars and cents by eating yih food (and as if i havent had enough of it).

i think alot of ideas that require stepping out of the room and spending money have to be reconsidered... haha! there is a nike end of year sale starting tomorrow. i need to handcuff myself to my bedposts just so to restrain my pangs of desperation for nike goods and a good sale just so as to save money. haha! gosh, i hope i wun chew my hand off and go to that sale all bloody and limbless...

in anycase, i see a lot of books in my room waiting to be read. and in any hope i finish them, there is still the library, thats open to 7 every evening. well, that alone can keep me occupied the whole day. not to mention regaining some of my former health levels and going on msn and watching anime. wow. i think i just created my holiday plan right here.

does it sound sad? like not going overseas like wenting has. she's in japan! that lucky IW! haha! and jo and cherylene going to shanghai. and the guys intending to go malaysia. and blah blah blah. i think i shall say i making a trip to MC-land.

all right! that's enough sulking and whining for now! life has been just a journey... such a journey.

i keep losing. really.

i lost my nerve, i lost my control, i lost my direction.

i lost my fbt shorts, my bods underwear, my nike aqua shoes, my nike cap, my rashguard.

i lost all of them today at sdba.

was totally distracted. was totally tired. was totally irritated.

i lost my sem, i lost my sanity, i lost my emotions.

whatever.

its the beginning of the holidays. and already im like that. wtf.

positive. try to be more positive.

hey peepz!

exam stress is here!

just finished the first draft of my last essay. i know. i am screwed for exams.

so taking this slight repreive before diving back in.

lent my lappy to dy whose lap top crashed. hope everything has returned to normalcy for her.

thank you joanna for lending me her laptop to finish my essay!

its times like this that you realise the sweet, sweet value of friendship.

thus said,

i miss the guys at exchange!!! jason, noel, and especially MELVIN!!! wahahaha!

there were so many questions. what was the game plan? how are we going to row? who is going to win?

it was a pretty good medal haul for nus this time round. unprecedented. guys, 2 golds, 1 4th. girls, 1 gold, 1 3rd. mixed plate 1st. its like wow. ms wen cried tears of joy. haha!

i was the drummer this time round! haha! got medals as rower, this time as drummer. next up as coxwain! haha! Vijay better make space! haha! kiddin kiddin. we will see lah. in any case, i have pretty much lost my voice. and with reference to gm's usual joke to me, i blew as hard as can. i blew and blew and blew. i hope my blowing perked the guys up. as the drummer, it was sure pretty wet and wild from where i was, and i blew and blew and blew. i blew for every guy in the team. i blew for the guys in the boat, i blew for they guys on shore. i even blew for the girls. and at the end of the day, i was glad everyone was happy. okay. if you the joke just blown over and you had no idea what it meant, think dirty. and if you got it, shame on you! haha!

to many it means much. to some its special. James is our 1 semester exchange student, and i guess db changed his life. 'nuff said. haha! i will miss that bugger. his nz/malaysian accent, and to gm, his white girls, and gm's "intellectual looks." haha!

at the same time, despite the credible results, i left with more questions, than answers by the time i reached back to my room. what will happen from now? how will people change? what will i do? options, options, options. and of course, choice versus decision.

anyway, congrats to all the winners, also, and a special mention to Jon! haha! after all your hard work with your team, i sure hope it paid off for his team.

at the end of the day, moments of happiness, moments of sadness, the fleetingness of emotions, the essential dis-utility of a medal, the gone day of another event. like they said, its always the journey, the bonds, the friendships.

time to hit the books. 1 more essay, 5 more exams. 3 more weeks. 1 more sem. and 1 ultimate decision.

the more i stay in one place, the more i feel that the i dun suit the place. for various reasons, i dun find what i am looking for. i may not know exactly what i want. just that, i am beginning to understand what i do not want.

of course, it is also always partly my fault. i haven put in enough effort, enough emphasis, enough understanding.

simultaneously, after what i have seen right in front of my eyes, i get more and more disillusioned, more and more disheartened, more and more disappointed.

im not suitable for this. im not.

loneliness is manmade.

now, if only i can unmake it.

hey peepz!

im standing in the hotel lobby using the hotel's free internet access to type this entry! how cool is that! haha!

anyway, im doing just fine here in KaohShiung, Taiwan, and so is the team! here is a little short update.

the competition here is so tough! there are teams from hungary, switzerland, germany, even USA, France, south africa, japan , korea, indonesia and taipei. it is pretty happening! generally we did pretty well. we managed to enter the 500m finals, which we were not expecting, cos we thought we came in second in our heats, but we came in first. anyway, we came in 5th for that finals. a few hits and misses.

but generally a good overseas outing. i certainly hope we have jumped more than a few steps in terms of rower maturity, experience and understanding. hope to take them home and share with the ladies and the juniors.

the competition was pretty well organized, and there has been a lot of hype for this event apparently. as usual, lots of beautiful people. the guys from europe are huge! and they make their boat sink deeper in the water. but that did not prevent them from sweeping the top honors in the competition. and we wonder what makes them champions.

the german drummer is looks like Cameron Diaz! omg. she's beautiful. even the hungrarian drummer is gorgeous with her long flowing hair and slender legs.

as for the guys. i thought the japs were the best looking. sorry wenting. shashin o torimasen. you have to ask yongming for that. they left before the last event in the competition so we din get to take photos nor exchange singlets. the next prize goes to the koreans! haha! then perhaps the taiwanese. as for the guys who will read this again in the future, there has been batista, and the ABC. two really huge, hulking guys whose biceps are as large as our thighs. oh. and also the french, who simply loved to strips bottom naked in the open public when changing out of their wet suits when they are simply just camped just outside the toilet. we suspect they wanted to display their national pride, which is hidden in their pants. ah well.

anyway, the competition is officially over. the swiss, hungrarians and the germans took most of the medals. the indonesians did asia proud by taking a third prize. i am truly humbled by this experience. despite having rowed for 2 years, i am in no position to say i am an experience nor even a expert rower. no, not even a novice rowers. having pride in nusdb, does not mean i can be a proud rowers. i recognize my own individual deficits as a rower, as an athlete, as a person. we recongizee we still have a lot to do as a team. i hope we can be there to support one another, both those within the team, and those outside.

all right, its time i try to do some reading. i can safely say, my goal of 5.0 is pretty much out of my reach, but i must "gia diao diao" and be "stubborn" and keep up with the waves, keep up with the passing boats, keep up with the waters, the stroke rate. i have to resolve my every stroke and show them what i have got. no 5.0 also got 4.9. lai!

hey peepz!

just a brief update before crashing into bed.

had a competition over at bedok again. the sava sprints! it was super exciting as usual. learned quite a bit of things, especially about composure. i realised if i simply dun think about much, i can be a lot more calm. the horrible machinations of the overly excited imaginations.

we din get any medals this time round. and boy was it a humbling experience. we thought we saw everything in penang, but when this philippines team, Carrimons, came, i thought these guys were out of this world! they beat EVERYONE by a mile! maybe more than that! haha! they are fishermen by occupation. i guess they had a good HAUL! haha! geddit geddit? like fish HAUL, gold HAUL! haha! okay. lame.

anyway, our batch of juniors performed superbly! they even beat the senior boat in a few sets in terms of timing! i really have to be very impressed by them. its a strong bunch of guys.

anyway, we will be heading off the Taiwan this tuesday to next tuesday for another competition! dun miss me. well, not like i am very much missed. herm. haha!

anyway, im getting veyr stressed, cos i have readings, and essays and presentations to prepare for! i think i need to take down that 4.8 off my wall...

until the day we come back, have fun guys!

great. i have got the flu.

AND i have got hives.

i want to stay in bed to recover from the flu, but it may be the room that's causing the hives.

wow.

i sound like i have got some kind of std... hives... eek. then i get all these bubbles emerging from my skin in patches all over my body. eek.

im beginning to feel itchy just thinking about it.

eek.

hey peepz!

decided to just come online and do some blogging. life has just gotten a bit more hectic. here are just some little updates in my life.

took part in the nus triathlon. like finally! haha! took part in the sprint event, which required me to swim 500 metres, bike 20km and run 5km. it was actually pretty easy. until the run. haha! other than that, i really thought it was a pretty enjoyable experience! i actually came in 6th in the men's closed category! wow. well, considering there were only 20 odd guys. compared with the mens open's category, i would have ranked about 50plus. i am very happy. hope to continue to train and perhaps do the full distance!

i must thank ms tan meiling for being the hospital lady she is for housing me in her room! if not i would have to have woken up at 4am to cycle to east coast from school! she stays like one street away from the competition venue. how convenient! so thank you thank you thank you! i also found out that she's probably my number one fan! she actually laughs at my himbo/auntie/nerd antics. how nice it is to be appreciated! so lets all give her a clap! *clap*

other than that, she's been really irritating asking me who i like! dear tan meiling! you better stop asking me that question before i start spreading lies, telling people that i actually like you! or that im gay. haha!

other than that, i am very happy for another dear lady fren for getting attached! to another guy fren i know! so cute! and it all started when he simply held her hand! so romantic! wah lau. worthy of a tearful smile! keke. also, one of my men from ns is getting married tomorrow!!! wah!!! happy happy events! congrats kathi!

other than that, the seasons started again, after like what? 2 weeks break. the juniors this time round are great! strong, fit and many with the right attitude! or at least, i haven gone around and meeting any with a stinky attitude yet! kudos to the exchange students! they all in my group, and i see them push and push so freaking hard, they make my efforts this last 2 years seem feeble. wah!!! so to dan-the-man, jacob, james and also to derrick koh, keep working hard guys!

dead lines coming up le. haven been cathing up on my readings. must jia you jia you le!

to melvin who is in australia now, if you reading this entry, sorry i havent been online, and whenever i am you arent. in any case, i miss you terribly! also to daryl tay, in new zealand. happy birthday trumpet boy. i miss you horribly too. i know i sound gay, but well, they are some of my closest guy friends around. just trying to be a little homoerotic, erm, i mean, metrosexual and that whatcha you call it, sensitive new age guy! whahaha!!

well, that does not mean the girls dun get mentioned too! to dear dear rendy, whos been sick and was wearing my jacket, hope you recovered! to ms wen, yellow says he's forgiven you about having abandoned him on xy's bed. he was contemplating staying with us, but you are still his sugar mommy. to cindy, (if you even read this), i know you are friendly!!! you just have to BEHAVE more friendly towards me! keke!!! also to all the girls in the girls team!!! i haven gotten to know all of you yet! but i guess beyond my closest gal friends, jul and wenya, i have gotten to know the others like yirang, cherylene, teresa, angela, angeline, all a little better. and also crazy-o-i-want-to-take-seven-modules-and-am-also-interested-in-philosophy-of-religion wenting, of whom we will be spending like 2 modules with each other this sem! and joanna! i better see you in the study room more often okay? no more lazing around!

id like to offer my profuse "love" for my guys team as well. but better not, if not they will bar me from showering with them! whahaha!

all right! that's about it for now. will update again when something tumultuous and significant has happened in my life!

cheers!

hey peepz!

after incessant requests from my ardent die-hard bakainu fan club (more like bo-liao frens who complain they keep seeing the same entry everytime they open this page) to lap up the latest adventures of my exciting, marvelous, stupendous, the-daily-trials-and-tribulations-of-james-bond-look-alike-aka-bakainu, i have decided to post something this beautiful rainy morning.

schools started. im going to the libary now to zap my required readings like now now now!

ciao!

someone stole my clothes!!!

one really nice red, and not to mention EXPENSIVE shirt i wore only once.
two really comfortable nike dry-fit singlets i bought at 30% discount from queensway.
one matching yellow saucony singlet my friend got me. now i only have the yellow shorts.

ARGH!!!

i curse that thief to eternal flames of burning coals and sulfers! i curse that the thief will fail fail fail fail fail ALLLLLLL his/her modules! i curse that the thief will trip and fall and somehow or rather drop his or her pants revealing his or her skimpy leather g-string in front of the whole student population. i curse that the thief strike jackpot of a million clothes, only to realise that it was a mistake on the singapore pools part and then AAALLLL his or her clothes get confiscated. i curse you thief! i curse you! bah!

other than that, world peace everyone. which coincidentally is an ironic statement, with the wars and the typhoons and everything. so everyone please pray for everyone else. oh dun pray for that thief. wait, no, pray that he or she gets her just desserts.

sometimes, when i whine too much, people are unable to differentiate between brainless bantering and piercing pain.

hey peepz!

here's the weekly summary of tan meng chuan's exciting week!

first of all, my parents went genting on sunday, monday and tuesday. so when the cats away, the mice will play! in my case, i went home and took the car for a spin. rather, its for many many spins!!! haha! its been a long time since i drove. and there were a few times that i think i would have almost gotten myself, or my passengers or someone else on the road killed. like literally. i am glad that has not happened, and i pray that it will never happen. in anycase, i got lost like left right and centre. one time, i got onto the ecp instead of the pie. and ended up at changi at 9am in the morning. so i simply went blading! wahaha! so fun! it was by myself. but i was glad. tried blading for the second time in my life. and no one was there to see my land on my bum like 10 times! haha! but got one guy saw me blade off the road and run onto the grass patch in a weird angle. haha! still, i want to blade more!

on wednesday, the people at okr called me at 3 and asked me to move by 4. WAH!!!! horrible!!! anyway, i said okay, cos i was so confident i could move everything shit stuff from my 5th floor room to the first floor! haha! in anycase, when i first entered the room, the room smelt like, woah! i shant reveal what sort of smell. its just, erm, pervasive. so i just kept spraying air freshener. like loads and loads of them, round after round after round, just to get rid of the smell... shant bore you with more details. the important thing is, i posted a plea for help on the msn on the night. 2 kind souls responded, Jingwen and Wenya. in anycase, they stayed too far, so i din want to trouble them by coming all the way down to school. the next morning, i came on msn to help again. this time, jul offered help. and she had the car. so i thought it was convenient enough for her to help. and i really really really really really have to thank her. with her help, we managed to move everything in time!!! yay! so anyway, i told her i will blog about this, so thank you to the power of 10. haha! in any case, i treated her lunch and dinner, should be more enough to cover for her wages! haha!

all right. what else? oh. i went for a course with weiming. very very very informative! everyone should go. an eye opener. oh definitely! in anycase, today, we went bowling! with 2 ladies! muahaha! damn fun! and i broke my record!!! now, my highest score is 147! it aint impressive, but its definitely impressing me! wahaha!

all right. that's about it for now. must make next week more exciting!!!!!!

hey peepz!

just back from my heartsavers course. now i am a certified first aider and cpr performer! keke. i took them because i want to be prepared in case something happened. however, i would wish that i need not have to opportunity to exercise them.

went to watch bay beats last night. it was pretty good! some of the bands were very very good. most of the time the lead singer was barely audible, but the synergy of the guitars and the drum and the singer was superb. also got to know my friend better too. hopefully we will get to have more opportunities to further our friendship. hope to meet up with my other friends as well.

met up with ivan and linhui just the day before. met up at holland village, and ate at thai express. then we hung out at coffee bean. so nice to see that scholar again. he hasnt' changed much. din grow as fat as i would like him to be. at least fat enough for me to poke fun. keke. i am evil.

all right. that's all for my update! enjoy your sundays folks!

hey peepz!

can you believe it? i just woke up. argh.

thats because, i actually went to MOS last night! wahaha!!! my virgin trip there leh!!! very long never club le (twice till last night). and i always wanted to go to MOS go look see look see. i din know i could not bring in water into the club. guess they are very insistent on patrons drinking! "lets get drunk and dance!!!"

the whole place was just as a expected though, lots of smoke, noise, flashing bright lights and more smoke. i swear, i just lost 1 year off my life through second smoke. the place was interested. i was mildly surprised at the retro room! so cute! they even have the dance platform they have on saturday night fever with the coloured boxed stage! haha!

however, the most interesting things happened on the dance floor. the ang mohs are so so so audacious! all the kissing, and touching, the slitering, the necking, the tonguing, and butt to groin gyrations. i was like wwaahhh!!!! noticed a few certain guys were trying very hard to get hitched, dancing from one lady to another. also got a few female couples. there was one in the "cages". it was, ahem, for want of a better word, hawt. keke. makes me wonder where are the male couples??? keke. but no matter, the angmohs and female couples made up for all the heat.

anyway, why was i there? cos ivan had invites entitling one guest free entry. his friend pangseh him (i think) so he jio-ed me. i was at the airport sending dear melvin off to melbourne. so i just hopped down after he sent his ass packing to a different land for an out-of-singapore experience. and so i hopped to mos to accompany ivan. since i kinda owe him a favour. there was a break dancing competition! it was pretty cool. i could not really see the whole thing, but i could see quite a bit. the moves, the groves, the flips and turns. it was like wow. break dancing face offs are so interesting! mr a. is like an avid dancer lah, thats why want to go. even after the competitions while we were dancing on the dance floor, he sure has some moves man! i was desperately trying to learn, and he was exasperately trying to teach. haha! i am so lousy at dancing. i was just bobbing to the music, and bioing other people. but more often i was just staring in amazing at the the angmohs and the female couples. gosh. they really moved it man!

so anyway, ivan danced so much until he was soaked through and through with sweat, and there i was clean and dry bobbing to r&b with the aircon keeping me cool. keke. by the time everything was over, i was in my room and fell asleep promptly at 6. haha!

one interesting thing happened though while i was sleeping. the recruitment agency called me. i signed up with a recruitment agency while accompanying mr tan han hao. he was looking for a job, and i wasnt but i signed up anyway. so this lady christine called me at 945, saying there is a one week temp job for me. the only thing is i had to start work today at 1230. i was like, wtf?!!! its a job at aia at raffles place. i do not have executive wear, and i do not have the energy to work today! as much as i wanted to work a short part time thingee, i prize my sleep more than anything else in the world. so anyway, i had to make a few calls, cos janice said there was another job offering at raffles hotel, but she had no idea what. so i had to call her, then call the raffles hotel, then wait for christine to call back for me to tell her no. haha! it was too rushed for me. i dun like last minutes surprises like that. especially one that compromises on my sleep. i had too much of that in ns le.

its ironic. cos things really do come when you least expect them. when you not looking for something, it comes. when you are desperately looking for something, high and low, you cant find it. and you end up being all disappointed, frustrated and angry. so whats the moral of the story. keep wanting but dun keep expecting too much.

i was talking to my dad on the phone yesterday. he was at sgh for a regular health checkup. i was like "good. you should keep healthy." and my dad was like "yar, if i dun keep healthy, how to give you money?" i was like diaoz. my dad continued, "must keep healthy yes. also must keep financially healthy." i was like double diaoz. cos i just bought my 2.5k bike remember (see last post), after much "noise" from my dad. then i was like "okok. also must keep physically and mentally healthy okay?" and my dad responded, "yar, mentally healthy ah. so next sem 5 As okay?" and i was like triple diaoz... (read one my of previous posts about my revealing of exam results to him). then i quickly and promptly ended our conversation. im glad my dad is still very much in the pink of health! keke. all of a sudden, i remembered one more reason why i am staying in hostel during the holidays and not at home. haha!

all right. time to go. its so late. still need to eat breakfast!

just be happy everyone!

hey peepz!

just got back from another tiring day.

at first i thought i could really bum around after the race is over. how wrong can i get. instead of waking up early to train, i am waking up late to grow fat! yes. fat. its meeting friends, and more friends, and eating and eating and eating. and by the time i get home, i am too tired. and i just want to sleep! keke.

one thing i am really happy about is, i bought my bike! keke. recall i am going to take part in the sprint event of the upcoming nus triathlon. so i need a road racer. i decided to go bike hunting. went to the cannondale distributor. a few people, including sean, the project director for the nus tri directed me to this shop. its a bit hard to get to. its off east coast road along 101 frankel avenue. it was my first time in a very professional bike shop. and the man who attended to me was supremely professional. he was rattling off his credentials. what ironman participant for like what 6 years le. some guy in the singapore triathlon association. some qualified judge or something. amazing. and he was so super helpful. i told him i was like a beginner in serious biking, and he was like let me show you some multimedia presentations. and while his ibook was showing how the cannondale bikes were made, he was also explaining lots of stuff to me. so overwhelmed! keke.

the cheapest bike he offered me was this 2.5k bike. i forgot the model le. its supposed to be of 3.2k value. i thought it was pretty reasonable for its being first hand, life time guarantee, and higher in quality in terms of safety and brand name. will be getting it this friday!!! so happy. can finally get some speed going! keke.

after that, met up with janice for dinner. we were going all around the place. from bugis to great world city. we wanted to go to the zara sale, cos she claimed got 70% discount. on our way, the op sale at bugis waylaid us. and i bought a polo tee for 10 dollars!!! i felt so happy. yes. i love bargains. and i think its a nice red polo.

and so off we went to great world city. had to walk a distance and then take bus. and walked some more again. she was my fashion consultant for the day. i change shirt after shirt and she was my assessor. yes, you look good. nope, not nice... whahaha! im just such a fashion disaster. i cant even discern whether i look good in this shirt or that. in anycase, there was NO 70% discount. only 30. and most of the discount applied to female clothings. what a let down. and we walked some more, deciding whether or not to buy this zara shirt with the words "touch me" on it. the words were strategically made up of a furry material and placed on the chest. i was being obscene when i wore the shirt and kept rubbing the words off my chest! keke. so funny. in any case, while we were walking, we ended up at espirit. and i ended up getting persuaded to buy this striped shirt. argh. the worse bit was, its 40 dollars and there was NO discounts!!! *slap slap* where am i going to hide my "auntie" reputation?

haha! anyway, i had fun, cos never met up with her for so long le. hope to meet up with all my other friends as well. Tan Meiling! if you are reading this, sms to tell me you are still alive. we go blading one day okay? keke.

the day after tomorrow meeting that fat, smart dsta scholar lin hui, and nurse ivan. seen ivan le. just havent seen how much fater that lin hui has become. must make fun of him. haha!

hey peepz!

i just want to say, this bright, cool and rainy morning, that i have a freaking pimple on my left ass cheek!!!!!!! i think its a pimple at least. it has been there since way long before the july race. it looks like a pimple, it feels like a pimple. it should be a pimple right??? i told my friend, and it could be some cyst or pus or whatever!!! i was like argh!!! my smooth, beautiful, bubble butt is experiencing some kind of integumentary (some fancy, scientific name for "skin") trauma!!! i know my ass will NOT forgive me for this. right now, i am constantly sitting on my right butt, cos its actually painful to be sitting on my left. i have been applying pimple treatment, but its not going away! in fact, i think, after constant feeling of my ass, hoping it will miraculous vanish, it has grown bigger!!! i tried squeezing, but its difficult when i have one hand holding a mirror just so as to be able to see my ass, and the other hand barely reaching the blasted spot. argh argh argh. my ass hurts. like really.

anyway, i had a wonderful time yesterday. i actually went for 2 ktv sessions!!! with different groups. keke. had so much fun. finally singing the songs i have been obsessively playing over and over again. esp. stefanie sun. keke. i know i will never be able to sound like yirang, but ah well. i love sun yan zi anyway. jay chou's vocal range has always been out of my league no matter what key i play his songs in. they are just so so high!!! i need plastic surgery on my voice box to stretch my range. i am after all a bass. except when i shriek everytime i realise my pimple is still there after every morning.

also, i now know where "Golden Dragon" is. its damn funny how the whole thing conspired with joanna and cherylene, and also with janice. haha. i call it "the hunt for the golden dragon". what is this "golden dragon"? its actually an arts and crafts shop in a shopping mall in chinatown! joanna was on this crusade to find craft works and a kind shop attendent at kalms, taka, suggested the "golden dragon". that led us to run through the rain for a bus, a walk to the people's park, a discovery of the largest souce of textiles i have ever see, and a discovery of the largest source of threads, beads, knitting equipment and lots and lots of arts and crafts related items. i shall bring my mom there after she retires, when she has lots of time on her hands. i think she will think she is in heaven. she will do cross stitch after cross stitch, beading after beading, knitting after knitting!!! its practically the paradise for retired aunties and stay at home moms with a penchant for all things arts and crafts. haha! also, almost everyone we asked for directions seem to know where this "golden dragon" is. is it that famous? i dunno. but its a fascinating place all the same.

all right, today, i will be off to try to find a road bike. anyone has a road racer to sell? i dun mind second hand! also, anyone an expert? i need help and advise!!!

till the next time you see me, i hope you wont find my ass assymmetrical after sitting on my right ass for so long!

hey peepz.

its so long since i blogged! argh. keke.

since the july race has found closure, i have been keeping myself so so busy, with appointments, dates, courses, and the long awaited slacking and nuaing and sleeping and you know, normal stuff i do everyday. just even more.

today, went for a standard first aid course i signed up with PECTAC. its a private teaching centre somewhere along beach road. i had to wake up damn early la. had to reach there at 8!!! i thought i might be in for a long, long, long day. i signed up because i am interested in picking up some life skills. and really, i think first aid is an essential life skill, simply because it deals with lives. i am not going to wait for the day when something happens to my dear loved ones and i simply watch them bleed or lay unconscious, or worse, have their lives slip away in front of my eyes.

in anycase, the instructor was great! he is an experienced paramedic and a super entertaining and interesting teacher! he made the class so enjoyable. i thoroughly enjoyed it. and through his anecdotes, i learned alot more about medical conditions like hyper and hypo thermia. and alot of gruesome ways to die. haha! in anycase, i strongly recommend this class. i also got to know a few child care teachers. they have to acquire this certificate as part of their requirements. so interesting to hear these two mothers, jaslyn and evelyn talk about their daughters over lunch. so so interesting. the people we meet.

right now, i have too many many thoughts running through my head. im have not been feeling well. once again, my mouth just never seem to say anything good. made things go wrong, hurt one, angered others. well-meaning intentions were shot down. ideas that run about cannot be articulated. feelings cannot be expressed. this entry is just a vague description of a lot of things i cannot describe.

frankly, life is in shambles. and what am i doing doing what i am doing?

came back and just collapsed and laid on the floor. my body was just not feeling well. was tired and slept. felt the bugs biting me. got up and got into another argument over the phone. tried to talk to another whom i felt was avoiding me. i had experiences when i thought i lost a friend. now i feel i am losing many.

how ironic. was just telling another that everytime i see the first star, i would almost always make a wish, hoping my friends would be happy and healthy. and each time, i would choose a different friend. just find a way to be happy. i just want them to be happy. that's all i wished. its ironic, cos i myself, havent found what it takes for me to be happy. sometimes, i think, i sacrificed so much for others, that in the midst, i sacrificed myself.

to have people whom i cared so so so much for, yet sometimes i feel so lonely.

i want durian, yet, i dunno if it has become a forbidden fruit.

there is so so so much repression and suppression, of anger, disappointments, and depression inside of me. sometimes, i feel that i have had enough.

sometimes i really wished i was not allergic to alcohol. cos i want to get lost in drunken stupor.

hey peepz!

just had a db race over the weekend. and boy was it another rollercoaster ride.

thanks guys for all the support you have given us!!!! especially to shiying, janice, lin hui and jave. thanks for you encouragements!

it has been a very very very much anticipated event. we have been training our asses off. and for some of us, sacrificed literally everything for this one race.

in anycase, we won the mixed and ivp golds and also a bronze!!! very happy. especially for the mixed crew. it was our first mixed gold in like 2 years!!! it was a brilliant race for them! their charge was splendid!!! eugene was in tears and so was raine. keke. so happy for them, went to hug most of them!

the pm cup. haha. ah well, the pm cup challenge trophy. sad to say for us, we got silver. ntu won. truth be told. it was a heart breaking experience. i din know what happened. in any case, when i got on shore, and hugged tat, whom i told him we would bring the cup back, i simply cried. then sean told me to suck it up. and i did. but when we gathered and i hugged dr mel, who had been a source of inspiration for me, i cried again. i stopped and i walked back and hugged reuben and i cried. and yar. with every guy i hugged, i cried, sucked it up, and cried again. im just a cry baby. haha! but it takes alot for me to cry...

the worst thing was, my parents just turned up in front of my when i had tears in my eyes!!! argh. i just waved to them and walked away. but my mom very sweet. messaged me to not be sad and asked when i going home so she can brew black chicken soup for me. keke.

im all right now. the crying simply lasted half an hour. i always allow myself time to wallow in depression and self-pity. before i pick myself up again. keke.

i was sad for many reasons. firstly, cos i felt i disappointed many on shore, many of whom i care deeply for. melvin, especially, who made me cry even before i went down to the boat. idiot. second, i told myself, there was one person i really wanted to beat, which was myself, and somehow, i wished i walloped myself even harder.

in any case, i believe we had all done our best as a team. and whichever team won was the best team of that race. im glad the race went well. no collision of boats, no false starts. the day was good, the wind was blowing, the sky was cloudy. i thought i was a beautiful day to race. and i enjoyed the row very much. i enjoyed putting my heart and soul, my mental and my body in to rowing. i enjoyed called out names, encouraging one another. i relished in trying to defeat myself.

there was one small flaw though. certain individuals from a certain boat were deliberately and indirectly taunting some other teams before the start of the race. generally, we prefer to keep quiet and focus our energies in our own boats. personally, i thought the taunting was uncalled for and displayed a certain lack of professionalism. if it was part of the team's strategy, i feel disappointed. i think i'd prefer to believe it was just some black sheeps that do not represent their team. in any case, my felt my respect for that team dropped quite a bit.

other than that, it was a good and fair race. my friend from sim was complaining that their team had to eat nus and ntu boats' back washes they were unfortunately placed in between the two boats. in any case, i wholeheartedly congratulate ntu for winning the prime ministers trophy. wanted to shake hands with all three teams, but we din get the opportunity to. haha! we were too busy dealing and reeling in our disappointments. in any case, no one came and shake hands with us either. argh. we should all have shown a little more sportsmanship dont you think?

in anycase, the "season" has come to a close. the new season will officially start real soon though! keke. and hopefully, for the next year, we will continue to mature as a team, in blood and sweet, in victories and in defeats. we train together, we stay together, as a team. even if some guys are leaving the team for whatever reason, they have and will forever remain part of the team. just as i am a rafflesian, and even as i graduated, i feel proud that i came from raffles. same with the nus dragonboat team. we are all part of a bigger whole, called family.

i lost my shoe bag.
i lost my saucony shoes.
i lost my saucony singlet.
i lost myself in a host of worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, guilt, depression.
with no one to help me.

if i am a friend, stop treating me as the enemy.

doing what makes you happy, requires sacrifices.

and most of the time, its worth it.

all i really secretly hope for, all the time, is that whenever i give someone a present, or anything at all, be it a kind act, or a simple note, the first response i would receive was "thank you."

if im going to do something, i might as well be enthusiastic about it.

aggression, desire, fire

communication, support, connection

catch, pull, recover

teammates, friends, family

strength, power, endurance

shout, scream, cry

pat, grasp, hug

stretch out, long pull, twist out

breathe in and hold it there, one inches from the blade, pull hard fast recovery

eight, nine, ten

one, two, three

guys, girls, everyone

men, ladies, everyone

jia you, lai ya, pang zai

front, mid, back

drummer, coxen, coach

you, me, us

win, lose, together

one heart, one stroke, one soul

nus dragonboat, its more than a sport, its a lifestyle.

hey peepz!

im finally doing some blogging. screwed up my intended schedule, so decided to just dump the whole plan and stone here in front of the computer.

its been a pretty turbulent week for myself. even as i simplified my life (ie no newspaper, no television, no radio, minimal contact with the real world), the fictional world i created for myself still grasps my shoulders with its firm, undeniable hands and rattles me senseless.

negativity really sucks the spirit out of me. any sort of negativity. goodness knows why i am so susceptible to the emotional turbulence of other people. i think i am some lightning rod for negativity. in any case, i found myself wandering from place to place without any goal, nor thought, nor purpose.

i was going to buy a present, and decided against it. i was going to buy some pimple creams and decided against it. i was going to buy some milk and decided against it. i was going to buy some nike shirts, and decided against it. i was thinking of going to the gym, but i exhausted myself with some many random decisions, i decided to just sit down here and pour my woe and weal into electronic letters strung up for anyone interested to take a peak at it.

i wish i had more positivity. i wish i had more positive friends. i wish had more positive comments. i wish i was more appreciated, for who i am, for what i have done. life is already difficult as it is. lets not make it more difficult.

these days, im having problem motivating myself, let alone motivating others. we are told we cannot be individualistic. we should be encouraging one another, pulling and pushing one another. the guy beside you, behind you, in front of you. these days, words seem to be falling short. no matter how much i tried, no matter what i said, no one seems to be encouraged by me. worse, i dun seem to be encouraged by me. i need to think of something fast.

sometimes, again, the same feeling of just simply giving everything up, right here right now. the same urge to just run away from it all. the same feeling of just dying to hide away from everyone, from everything. that feeling flutters, strikes, whams, steamrolls, inches, consumes, floats and really just exist. and its driving me nuts. its driving me off the cliff, spinning me in a neverending, repetitive cycle of conviction and counter-conviction.

where's that big red stop button?

hey peepz!

i am back at last. here's monthly summary of my great exciting life!

went to penang over the last weekend for a db competition. a big rush for a short trip cos lots of people are working and cannot extend our stay. it was another roller coaster adventure of tao sha peah, of races, of emotional upheavals, of getting to know more people.

some races were "won" and some races were "lost". we din win any medals, but i hope we managed to achieve some objectives. lots of things need to be ironed out, no, that's to mild word. more like forged in more intense flames of hard work, blood, and sweat. what lies ahead, seems, herm, formidable, yet challenging.

got to know some of the ladies better. at least got their msn! haha! yay, now i am a casanova like gm. got to know eugene sim too. hope the whole team can bond together stronger. think there are a few social problems like cliques, fear of the opposite sexes, and even homophobia, that may be psychological hindrances that are fragmentary elements in the team. i wonder if we identified it, i wonder if we saw it coming. i wonder if they will have any adverse impact.

so after the penanag trip, more misadventures like reuben lost his luggage in the airport, ah fu had his handphone taken out of his luggage and my sister's luggage got stolen by a lady-taxi-driver-bitch-who-i-hope-gets-into-a-crash-and-survive in turkey. but i am not worried for any of them. cos i know they are very strong people. all of them took it so calmly. i think if it happened to me, i would have totally freaked out. keke.

so i got home at 12 plus, packed my bag for ict, slept at 2 plus, and woke up again at 530, so that my dad could fetch me before going to work. ict is Incamp Training aka reservist aka, National Service all over again. im glad i met up with the guys again.

but overall, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. the programmes were packed. the guys were unmotivated and morale was low. as a section commander, i had to become the platoon sergeant, because the PS did not come. that meant a lot, a lot, a lot more work. i laboured till 2 and was prob the last to get into bed on one the night. and dun get me started on the ps job during the mission!

some good things happened though. i cleared my ippt for this work year. i actually got a gold! so happy, despite having had only like 4 hours of sleep the night before. 9 minutes 19 seconds. a personal best! hehe. must thank yao shuohan, and shafiee for being my greatest motivators during the run. hope to train and run faster next time. yao threatened to beat me the next time around. eddy confidently say's next year will also run faster. i beat him by 1 second. haha!

also, my dad called a second time to ask me for my password so he could check my results for me. haha! the result thing was quite a major issue. the team was busy checking during the race. i vehemently refused to check, because i was afraid it may affect me emotionally during the race. it did for some. i hope the guys will work harder next sem. for those who did will, like ahem ahem, teddy, winston, and (even) alex! haha. no lah. kidding. alex worked hard too. harder than the last sem at least. but credit must be given to him for being smart enough to spot the right questions.

so anyway, my dad checked and calmly told me my results. it was not bad really. did not get that 4.8 on the wall, but it was my personal best results thus far. the cold water came when my dad was like, "so many A-. there is a difference between A and A- you know. 5.0 and 4.5... such a big difference with one stroke. next time get more As okay? well done..." okay, i think i quoted him pretty wrongly, and i think i exaggerated a few parts here and there just to increase the dramatic effect for blogging purposes. but you guys get the picture right? haha! no worries. i not affected, i just hope to do EVEN better the next time round.

okay. that's all for now. have to go prepare for training le. missed yesterday's one, cos i thought i needed a good break after a long hectic extended week. heard trainings gone up. hope morale wont be affected by insensitivity. let's all jia you!

hey peepz.

its 6 in the morning. back in the bunk. just sent my sister off at the airport. she should be halfway round the world to turkey by now.

she's there on some volunteering teaching thingee. then she's off to Leeds, UK for her SEP. jetsetting once again, that little adventurous lady.

so im online for awhile, cos i got hungry and am eating something.

a while ago, my grandma was on the phone. she has her own expectations for us, the grandchildren. so far, im pretty much the black sheep. cos im doing political science. in her cruel words holds a speck of truth. a truth i hate hearing. a truth that i am forced to listen to, silently, grudgingly. a bitter medicine to reality. i rely on my parents too much. im not independent enough. why am i doing things that are unnecessary? i should be out there working my ass off to support my aging parents. rather than doing all these useless stuff. what useless stuff, i shant deliberate.

i have wasted time. wasted too much time. just simply spending time, socializing. if my parents knew what i have been doing, going out, movies, dinners, smsing, and the like, they would scold me till the cows come home. yes, perhaps, they do not understand the life of their lazy ass of a son. and yet, too, within their words, i trace that similar kernel of truth. perhaps it not that i am doing it, but i am doing too much of it.

the contradictions of family.

i am always forced to face the excesses of my own life, my own lifestyle. in the pursuit of my own goals, perhaps, just perhaps i have gone a little too far.

a friend told me to stop thinking. and just feel and enjoy the moment.

for some times, it works.

for other times, when i feel nothing for it, and i think nothing of it, would i be nothing to it? and conversely, will it become nothing to me?

ah, nothingness. a buddhist tenet. sometimes, i thought i would be a buddhist monk. renounce the ties of earthly pleasures, and release myself of guilt and pain. and many a times, thought it might actually be worth it. afterall, i just run away from the first sight of danger, of threat. i just run away. and after the run, i will for a brief period forget what happened, and be left with deep breaths, a sweaty body and an adrenaline rush.

ah running. that's what i do. every sun, tues and thurs, at least. i run in the sun, i run in the rain. i run with people, i run alone. i run when i am happy, i run when i am sad. i run when i am healthy, i run when my knee hurts. i run, i run, i run. is life a race? where i just have to keep running? when can i stop? take a break? when i halt this cycle of neverending step after step after step? can i? should i? can i swim instead?

that's what it sometimes is. a bore. a cycle. the same thing again and again and again. the pleasures, the hurting, the highs, the agony. of being there, of being somewhere else. of being chosen, of being left behind. of proving, of more proving. of caring, of neglecting. of remembering, of forgetting. of abandonment, of slavish obedience. of loyalty, of blindness. of doing it for whom, and of doing it for what.

in my groggy mind of tiredness, i carry a burden. a burden of burdens. one i have only heaped upon myself. in my weary body of weaknesses, i dig a grave. a deep grave of burrowed minutes and hours and days and months. in this grave, i shall fall in with the weight upon my back, descending into the mani-folds of forgotten time.

death. it shouldn't be something to be feared with all one's life. it would deter one from living. being alone. it shouldn't be a driving force for life. it would stop one from understand the self. anger. it shouldn't be a lasting emotion. it would only blind oneself to moment one should live fully in.

have i spoken too rhetorically? too metaphorically? only because i am not thinking. just feeling. and here, let my feelings flow and translate into words of cryptic riddles. as i rest silently by myself, on my bed of passing time, calmly waiting for death.

oh. time to dry the clothes again.

i wish i would stop being so afraid, so scared, so fearful, so worried, so obsessed, so disillusional, so hypocritical, so confused, so unsure, so half-hearted, so depressed, so all-over-the-place about everything everytime.

its a nice early rainy morning.

going to do webcasts.

have fallen ill. my throat aint feeling that well.

feeling sucky.

screwed up exams.

haha!

still got 2 more.

ganbatene, bakainu-kun!

i am a depressing, psychopathic, egoistical, egotestical snob who simply refuses to listen, rejects hope and gives none. an escapist on the run from all things real. a jealous little man envious of other's possessions and superiority. an person unappreciative of the wonders God has done for him. a blockhead with little inherited intelligence, and with nothing but a penchant for making others angry and upset. all of you have no.... i... dea...

dun worry guys. its just one of my philosophical reflections about bored o' myself.

how do i know i am really going crazy from all this studying?

when i keep thinking of how hard i am determined to study last semester's subjects after this semester's exams.

hey peepz!

its exam eve! keke.

tomorrow, my exams officially start. and so why am i blogging? i feel saturated. my mind is full of statistics, my stomach is full of instant noodles, my hair is full of moisture. so shall while my time away before i head off to my good o' bed.

frankly, i am super scared this sem. not as prepared as last sem. this sem went oh so wrong, so wrong. too many things happened. too many things happening. so happening right? and who says i dun have a life as a mugger aka living resident of yih?

still, the time has come. the exams aint going to wait for me to be ready. having finished studying or not, having gone through my notes once, twice, a billion times or none at all, having downed cup after cup of coffee mixed with milo/ovaltine, having forced to wake up early to fight with the irritating people who always book their seats at yih overnight, having taken more periods of naps than periods of studying, having written notes after notes, having tried to read and absorb what t-distribution is, having worried about all my other untouched subjects, having stressed over not doing my exercise regime and went to swim instead, having to comfort overly-worried/overly-confident/overly-pyschotic friends, having to sleep less than 8 hours, having... uhoh, its 1045. time to sleep.

anyway, having to do all those above and more, the exams are officially here.

so ready or not, here i come!

ps. to ms chua, dun think too much, and I and He will pray for him. everything will be fine.

to alex, stop blogging/socializing/worrying and study.

to everyone, whom i have run out of time to mention, cos i really have to sleep, GOOD LUCK!!!

oh, and to YOU. keke. good night!

hey peepz!

this is a rare sight. me blogging. its so infrequent that i blog now, that even i dun know where i have disappered too, let alone you all, my faithful readers. haha.

and why am i so free? lets say i am enjoying a half hour intermission. i finished my one out of 2 term papers of the sem. (its so wierd to have so little term papers. i remember doing 11 just 2 sems ago.) and so that marked the end of my assignments for the sem.

shall do a little review of my sem once the exam ends, which starts in 9 days for me. will end on the 3rd of may. hiaz. here we go again.

shall not gripe that much. everyone is so freaking stressed. everyone is mouthing "gone! gone! gone! this sem is gone! people are griping about getting Cs. some are depressed over B pluses. i know someone is gripping over an A- grade for his or her test. wtf right? ah well. the point is, the world's a bitch, get a leash.

i saw this on someone's pencil case: "I am dead. I am like so dead can." i wanted to laugh out loud in the study room. i was imagining myself saying that in the most bimbotic way possible. and i thought that described my own sem just perfectly.

ah well. shan't say how fat i have become. shan't say how much i am lacking in my prescribed exercise regime. shan't say how far behind in starting my revisions. shan't say what sucky grades i have gotten so far. shant' say what sucky grades i am destined to get. shan't say my life is in a mess (cos alex just tidied up the room again, after alex, mel, jul and wenya already tidied up once). shan't say i am lonely or feeling alone, or that i lack friends, or that i lack love, or that my social life is practicallly none existent. shan't say i find that there are so many cute people in the study room who make me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are people out there who are studying harder than i am, and making me feel more than inadequate. shan't say there are team mates out there who are working their ass off, and are making me feel inadequate. shan't say my life is terrible, terrible, terrible, because, really, truly, sincerely, there are people who are suffering worse fates than i am.

i will just say, that i am in charge of my own life. and to find myself in this situation at this present point in time, in this present life, in this present circumstances, i will strive to work hard, and encourage myself to do better, and push myself where i can, when i can, how i can, in order to be able to look back with no regrets and say, "i did it."

and until then, i am dead, i am like so dead can?

hey peepz!

i just got back from a field trip from the zoo and the night safari! damn shack! just observed the primates cos my lecturer is a primatologist. but pretty fun!

we had to zip from one point to another though. cos lots to see. lots to learn.

was telling the rest that i want to be able to go there walk through slowly. and take lots of pictures! haha!

after the exams i hope.

that is if i survive the next few weeks. i am telling you. its going to be deadly. and one lazy move means i will be dead.

haha!

survival of the fittest. natural selection. evolution. the wonders of what i learn from this module. i hope i can get an A.

hey peepz.

its time i did a little updating just to let all of you know i am still alive, although barely.

i just had a competition, MR500 at seletar resevoir over the weekend. the team, both the guys and the girls did reasonably well, one gold, two silvers, one bronze, one fourth, one plate first. ah well.

i was part of the bronze, fourth and the plate. think i rowed till i almost died. literally. rowed in 7 races on sunday. i barely had the time to lie on the grass, have my cap over my head, have my mp3 in my ears and just tune out. go down, row, come up, warm down, warm up, go down and row again.

shack? most definitely. but i was glad i had some motivation.

it was a competition with mixed feelings for me. for various various reasons. haha! most of them selfish ones, as usual. (i should take every opportunity to impress upon my readers that i am selfish. haha!) someone said to find a reason why we are all still in the team. i have a reason, but not one that has been strong enough for me. so am i still searching? perhaps. and yet, i may have silently, left the search aside, as i busy myself with academics.

i am not one of much hope for many things. perhaps, least of all, for people. faith, hope, belief. they are still a little beyond my grasp. a little beyond my comprehension. however, that's not to say i do not have any of them.

i am still grateful for a lot of things in life. my family, my friends, and certain especially special people that have crossed my path. i am sorry if i have neglected all of you. i have been rather, preoccupied. hehe.

there are things that have become a little clearer for me. and there are objectives i have decided to undertake to achieve them. and along the way, some things will inevitably be sacrificed, neglected, forgotten. i cannot be greedy. and i cannot give false hopes. i do not seek recognition, i do not seek remembrance, i do not seek others' hopes, dreams and expectations. because i am afraid i would unintentionally fail them all, as i try to fulfill my own dreams.

there are things i was striving for, but now, things have changed. and things will continue to change. the flux is ever fluid, and i must be flexible, lest i bend and break. i must be ready to let everything go at once, only so that i can pick up the necessary pieces.

am i being esoteric? perhaps. but it just means i should just go and bathe and head on to the 24 hour YIH to begin another step at another stab at another futile attempt at 5.0.

be still my heart.

i just concluded. i am a social creature with dominant anti-social tendencies.

wow. the contradictories of life.

i think i can unshamedly, unbashfully, willingly, sincerely, truthfully, unhesistantly, unfeignedly, honestly, frankly and genuinely say that, there is noone, noone, except for that one person in my heart and my parents, more important, significant, essential, crucial, consequential, for whoever i should sacrifice my life, my attention, my time, my passion, my work, my everything in its entire entirety at whatever the cost for, than ME.

when it rains, it pours. that was what happened these few days.

here's how i got drenched in a nut shell.

went for industrial and orgnanizational psychology lecture. my self-esteem took another beating by my sheer stupidity and difficulty in trying to comprehend why the hell i was doing there.

went to the library to borrow books. found out i incurred a fine of 48 dollars. apparently the book i borrowed, was a one-week rbr loan book. the world is flat. read the intro, decided to buy the original, left it on my table and forgot about it. dropped it off at the machine in the middle of the night. then bam. 48 dollars. the fine was a dollar an hour, and not fifty cents a day as per normal shelf books. now decided not the buy the orginial which costs 40 dollars by the way.

did not do any research at all for a meeting scheduled today for a presentation scheduled tuesday. felt very depressed.

depressed not because so much because i had to pay 48 dollars, but because i had been so careless. but was glad for kind listeners who would just listen and try to comfort me, although all i really wanted for for someone to listen silently, because i already knew what was to be done, just needed to let my frustrations out.

and so went for training. din really feel it was good. something was wrong, with my stroke, with the atmosphere, with the boat. i dunno. could not really put my finger on it. maybe it was just me. i was the something wrong, being so caught up in wallowing in my inner agony.

and so, studied till 130, slept at 2, woke up at 830. intended to rush to library to settle the fine and do my research. found out how to borrow current journals today (after so long). took out 2 books hoping to borrow them out. put them in my bag having reminded myself to check them out as i was about to leave. went to photocopy some rbr articles. and then only thinking of where i was going to settle down and read the articles, simply waltzed out of the library with 2 unchecked books in my bag. and so i set off the alarm, got so pissed with myself, mumbled some expletives targeting myself, and was given a warning letter. i committed a crime. its called grand theft. embarrassed, upset, angry, i marched back in to get them checked and decided to just come back to the room. so much for thinking of being efficient and effective.

and so here i am, tired, exhausted, wanting to sleeping, hoping to read, having a tutorial in 1 hours time. and blogging. wow. great. wonderful. the "4.8" that i so hopefully printed at the beginning of this sem stares at me as it seems to be fading out.

its a sunny day, but i am soaked.

hey peepz!

im like finally here.

anyway, just want to say thanks to ms chua, for the nice, warm note and twirl. just to inform everyone, i am kinda swearing off chocolates, cos its giving me pimples!!! haha!

i must say, it has been a super super dramatic, tiring, exhaustive month for me. and none of them are work related. they were all about relationships.

relationships with friends, arguments, mistakes, avoidances, awkwardness, exasperation, anger, upsets, trying to communicate as best i can, as much as i can. yet, while some things have changed, others never do. the fights, the fits, the depression, the sorrow, the worries, the negligence, the insensitivities.

not just with one person, but with a few. makes me wonder if what someone told me is true, that i am autistic, and another who said i can be pretty spastic sometimes.

makes you wonder, if you are doing your best at living, or you simply suck at it.

i tend to abandon things and run away when things do not work out. i pretty much have done so for so many years. almost ran away from home when i was a kid. always got scolded, always got beaten, sometimes for the most trivial (at least it was trivial to me then) and sometimes for the horrible (i stole money to buy a packet of ang pow). and always, i would scream and shout and run away from the cane-wielding father or mother or grandma.

i thought i have pretty much matured over the years, but i realise that i have many many emotional burdens, and deficits and deficiencies, that i would rather not tell. and would hope to fill them with hard work, effort and experiences.

progress report: i have a long, long, long, long, long way to go.

taking a line out of brokeback mountain: you cant fix it, you got to stand it. and endured i have. endured and endured. god knows how many tears i have shed in my quiet isolation (i dun think i would like to cry in front of people) and god knows how many times the thought of abandoning everything and fleeing have crossed my mind. and yet, i am still here. where i am, still enduring, still withstanding, withholding. refusing to let my anger get the better of me, refusing to let my cowardice grip my weak heart. using all sorts of cognitive dissonances to persuade myself, using all sorts of excuses, reasons, possible explanations to keep myself sane, to try and trudge through.

no one understands me. bascially cos i dun understand myself. perhaps only one person does, and he's up there. guess i can take comfort in that.

i hope to take a step in an alternative journey, into a whole new world. somewhere different, from here. anywhere but here. running, running, running away, and hopefully find somewhere i could finally settle. somewhere, when i am tired of running, where i can lay myself to rest.

and until then, i must keep deluding myself, and telling myself to endure. all of life's challenges, miseries, pain, torture, heart breaks, pinches, hard knocks and whatever else that lies in my path.

thanks for the chocs.

sometimes i wonder why is it that i am very quiet?
its only because i am controlling my blabber mouth from going out of control.

one too many times, this nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating mouth of mine -- with its partner in crime: the equally (no, even more) nasty, foul, inconsiderate, irritating brain of mine -- have done me enough injustice to sentence myself to life imprisonment in social isolation.

these words that bullet through the gun barrel of my throat have waged wars, gunned down other's pride, grazed the hearts of loved ones, burrowed deep into the psyche of men, and sometimes spiritually killed people.

these words cut, raze, tunnel, scratch, bore, peirce, slice, saw, and eventually cause destruction, devastation, impoverishment, amaggeddon.

and so, in order to try to cease this wanton dismantling of the lives of others, so intricately intertwined with my own, i try to remain reticent, taciturn, quiet, silent, self-effacing, restrained, controlled, hushed.

i do not wish to argue, to debate, to opinionate, to make a fool of myself, to contribute to the noise level, to be the empty vessel that i already am.

i just want this world to be a better place. and from my own experiences, i can contribute better by not speaking, and perhaps, more action.

would you forgive someone if he or she accidently let out a secret that was not meant to be public?

i would not easily.

and hence, i deserve all the guilt, all the blame, all the anger, all the disappointment, all the hate.

for i have sinned against a friend.

no amount of apology will suffice.

i depend only on your graciousness to forgive.

forgive me. the following is simply a whole load of trash, but yet a mumbo-jumbo, helter-skelter about the essential meaninglessness of life, of people, of me.

*********

man is essentially selfish.

i am having a tough time dealing with that.

all men think only for and about themselves.

that i understand.

i do that too. all the time. i only think of the sacrifices I have made. i only think of the efforts I have made. i only think of the commitments, the energies, the thoughts I have put into. I and I alone. I am the most selfish ass on earth. yes.

yet, i have a problem with everyone else.

if i had a bone to pick with the world, i would have enough to create the exoskeleton of a typical shark.

no one says thank you when i open the door for others. only old aunties. everyone else simply rush off doing their own business. the world is unappreiciative of me. and see how i manage to make this problem my own.

no wonder i am loosing enthusiasm. no wonder i am loosing faith. if the only mantra i cling on to are "boats" and "books," oh how shallow has my life become. oh how pathetic i have made my life to be.

no wonder religion exists. depend on god, simply because men are essential undependable. thoughts like this, makes me want to shave my head and move into a monastary.

humans beings think too much of themselve and about themselves. everyone else are simply appendages and tools for their own pleasure, for their own projects, their own agendas. do i live for others? no, i live for myself.

so where is this reason i am supposed to find? in friends? in family? in boats? or in books? in myself? oh. look. we are back to the same and most pertinent topic. me.

zest and reason has come to be found in every stroke, in every catch, in every pull. it means defeating an imaginary and/or forced enemy. friends are enemies, enemies are enemies. as long as i want to win, everyone else is enemy. i wonder if this is the reason.

or is it to be found in reading page after page of wars and devastation afflicted in post colonial countries? or how to make nice surveys for the benefit of a company? or in the photocopy of book after book? or the watching of tape after tape? the completion of essay after essay? tutorial after tutorial? pull up after pull up? push up after push up? crunch after crunch? money after money? dollar after dollar?

the more i think about it, the more everything loses its meaning. the more i hope for the best in people, the more my expectations fall short. the more i think about the positive, the more negatives i find. the more i give, the more i find myself giving. to the point, where i find myself bare and naked.

I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a load of crap.

i told myself not to whine, nor complain, nor find fault in everything around me. i tried to control my emotions, i tried to muster my strength. but the fact that i am blogging this out, means, i have reached my mental threshold and emotional containment.

allow me my release. allow me my penseive mood. allow me, as all my male and female friends would brush off as, my PMS, my bitching, my ranting, my essentially meaningless and ultimately insignificant (to them at least) banter of thoughtless nonsense.

if i were someone else reading this, i would roll my eyes, mutter something under my breath, think that this idiot is really talking about me, let my imagination run wild, and ultimately return back to the calming and soothing melodies of mozart and the challenge of reading my readings.

ah. I, I, I, I, I. what a wonderful word. what a beautiful pronoun. what a...

hey peepz!

must make this short.

had nice birthday celebrations this year! woo hoo!!!

first with parents and sister, coffee cream cake. period.

second with the team, or whoever was free to turn up, cafe cartel, swensons ice cream cake. nice. special mention goes to johnny who came down specially to celebrate it with me yesterday. also to gm who called people to come down.

third with eileen, stephen and alvin. been a long time since we met up. had lunch. treated them drinks. got a card from e. alvin kept talking about phones and stephen played along. hope to meet up with them again soon. probably next sem! haha. eileen the social worker. haha!


fourth at holland village. nicest surprises. special mention goes to michelle!!! who came down to surprise me. also to the carnations. and the shirt, and the slippers and the underwear!

call me materialistic, but i love the presents. was wondering when they were going to come. was hoping for one nice present, like a cd or a shirt i can keep. but the avalanche (receiving 3 presents is considered alot for lil o me) was overwhelming.

thanks guys! for all involved. there were disappointments, and there were surprises and there was happiness. and i guess, really. i am just glad i did not need to spend my birthday in the guard room singing happy birthday to myself.

keke.

still, i hate being 23.

better grab my chances before they pass me by.

hey peepz!

this is an announcement to all my avid (albeit all the few and far between) fans, readers and haters. that i have recently created a livejournal account.

this has been in response to certain friends who they themselves have converted and privatised their blogs. and hence, i have to follow suit in order to access their entries.

hence, i shall be maintaining two accounts. troublesome as it is, but necessary. the livejournal account shall essentially be about dragaonboat, because the circle comprise of dboaters. and it shall be my internal arena of merciless bitching about dragonboat. muahahahaha!!! and it shall contain vital and pretty much confidential information about db, so it shall remain in that sphere.

other than that, i will continue boring all of you with my lifeless life in general here on blogspot. unfortunately, i am not THAT avid an enthusiast about blogging as like alex, ah alex, who consistently posts the truely mundane and the unexpectedly funny with the extremely poserish posts and pictures. i am just plain words. but i will, i will try to promise, to learn how to put up pictures, so everyone can see my physical presence.

and anyway, i dyed my hair. gosh, gasp, horror. its like dull gold. did it at mel's mom's place. very please after the job. wow. i looked different. and the response was initally well received. i told everyone to take a good look, cos at that point, it would have been the best look. beyond that day, i would be too lazy to open the cover of my mud.

and every since that day, i got increased responses from the curious wide-eyes to the jaw dropping screams. GM has been consistently calling me gay looking, cos my hair looks, erm, "gay"? i dun really know what it means. emma thinks so too. herm. and especially so by gm, after i showed them this green v-neck shirt that hugged the contours of my body from TopMan (as recommended by riz). the moment i showed them at the dressing room, it was instantly a NO-NO. "He looks damn gay lah!" GM made the female store attendant laugh at my super metro look. haha! herm. suddenly i started thinking. now what exactly must i do to look better?

anyway, i must thank riesal and melvin for their kind help at my "make-over." thanks guys. i think i got a bit more of fashion sense. now i need to money to actually buy the clothes and accessories.

maybe i should have like a "gay-day" where i dress provokatively. ah well, until that day, it shall still be 7/8 denim berms and my bright gaudy yellow asics shirt and even brigher and gaudier yellow slippers.

hey peepz.

the guys are training. and i am blogging. cos i am sick AGAIN.

i sense a pattern. i had persistent cough the beginning of last sem. the beginning of this sem. i am sick again. i hope it won't become a ritual. it has been about a week. seen the yih doctor. might want to go back home and see the clinic. asked janice to give me some cough tablets that might cause constipation. she sees Raffles Hospital doctors. hopefully, the medicine would be of a superior quality too. hehe.

anyway, so i was reflecting about myself, as usual. Gm's birthday gave me a big impetus to think about myself, since my own birthday is coming. its not big deal. its not a hush-hush secret. its going to be on the 21st of january. send me smses or messages wishing me happy birthday if you wish. but just to clarify, i dun seek rememberance, nor do i want like surprise parties or expensive presents. at this point of time i really am okay.

i remembered by own 21st birthday. i spent it in the guard room. and opening the gate for my platoon to go home for the long weekend. when the clock struck 12, i sang happy birthday to myself. sad? now that i reflect on it, i laugh at myself really. think its really funny. ah well, my parents forgot my birthday a few times when i was younger. those were heart-breaking times. and now that i look back, i used it to tell my friends and again laugh. of course, to try to gain a few pity points. but they amounted to nought.

of course, i had some really great birthdays. had a remote control car at 5. that was before my parents started forgetting when my birthday was. i remembered one year, i got a bar of chocolate as my present. and another, a toy plastic car from my sister. ah well. then my secondary school friends organized a party for me in sec 2. that was my first party of sorts. and i cried. ah, young, inexperienced, foolish youth. in uni, the alex and the db guys celebrated it at arts bash and a cake. i will always remember it, cos the wish i made came true. and of course, alex got dead drunk and tried to kiss everyone. well, i was the only one willing to take care of him, and we ended up in the corner, with me pinning him down, while he continued to try to smooch and bite me. the guys still laugh, riduculing that we looked like a gay couple furiously making out. ah well. and my sister bought me a samuel and kevin jacket. well, thats basically my birthday histories. at least the more memorable ones.

i am just really glad gm was happy with his. i took quite a bit of effort making it a surprise party. truth be told, sorry gm, but it did not mean to be a surprise party. frankly, i meant to treat him and alex because i lost the who-got-the-lowest-CAP bet. and that led him to think he was going to have a lonely dinner with 2 guys. bet he thought it was going to be the most loserish birthday party ever. that is like akin to me asking them out to celebrate christmas eve at my place watching vcds (which i did ask, but they flatly turned me down, by the way). haha. and well, that propelled me to make it a surprise for him by asking as many of the people as i could. and i am glad they turned up on such short notice.

melvin commented that this has set the standard for future birthdays to come. haha! when i heard that, frankly, i got pretty scared. i certainly do not want to plan such huge scale events (huge in my living context) after going through the horrors of planning, worrying about if he was going to find out, and desperately smsing to try to confirm the guest list that kept flucuating with the volatility of a woman experiencing menopause. and how surprises kept surprising me, like how gm who supposed to go out shopping with in the afternoon, ditched me for someone more desirable. (haha! but its only natural so i understand) and so i had to start aliasing with that someone through someone else, and argh. it was mind-bogglingly stressful. and then came the logistics, of having the gather all that agreed to come, to meet at a strategic point at a designated time, while stressing that everyone come on time. and then i had some who would be late, and some who wanted to be late. then it came to coordinating the movements, such that there would not be any chances of him seeing, and then getting him to come. and keeping his attention distracted until that single moment when he would step in and go, "eh. everyone is here." and then he would be stunned and shocked and then cry. okay. he din cry. he just faked it with a finger running down his face. and then came the accounts. haha! presents, cakes, and trying to divide them among those who came and those who didn't. and haha! you all get the idea. bottom line. i hope i dun have to go through this nightmare any time soon. and my main point. i dun want anyone to go through SO much trouble for lil o' me. cos then, i will, like how gm feels towards me now, pretty much a feeling of gratitude and indebtedness. so gm, please, do not, i warn you, do not do anything farnee.

so what exactly do i want? frankly, i don't know. certainly no big gatherings. and no fatty birthday cake, and no throwing me into the sea, and no big hoo-haas. but actually, i haven't really thought of what i wanted. ah well. there's still time. right?

but yet when i think about how i am going to be a grand old age of 23, CRIPES! everytime i think of the number, it really freaks me out.

somehow or rather, a certain chain of events got me thinking about the topic of "emotional maturity." and so i goggled "emotional maturity" and this was what i found:

******************

SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY

1. Volatile Emotions
Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence
Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don't need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other). Over-dependence is indicated by; a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger
This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means putting off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity
Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It's major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can't have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

Are you emotionally mature?
***********************
http://www.betteryou.com/maturity.htm (bibliography. in case i get sued for plagiarism)


and as i read this, i found myself mentally ticking off many (thankfully, not all) of the characteristics i identified in myself, and my behaviors.

and so i ponder and reflect and wonder. where along the way did i go wrong. but more importantly for me, is what must i do to correct my faults. and i am finding a seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me.

in my bid for emotional maturity, i start to question, what do i have to do? what must i give up? what sort of time, effort, activities, must i sacrifice/ scale down/ take up.

i AM going to be 23. i should make a more conceited effort to grow up.

hey peepz!

yes, yes, yes. finally, i blogged. haha. thanks to a consistent flow of complaints from nice, ardent fans about the dismay they experience everytime they see "11th November" whenever they open this blog page, i have finally decided to take some time to make a come back entry.

during that one month, so many many things have happened. and so fast too. shall not bore all of you with details, so here's a brief outline of significant events.

firstly, exams. stress, revision, stress, stress, yada yada yada. everyone experiences it, so no stranger to these phenomena. it was great studying with friends, and familiar faces, especially with dragonboaters, knowing that your fellow friends, who row beside you, are working just as hard studying together, all striving for individual yet the united goal of better grades. also of special mention, to benny and shumei who are always together, and have also been faithful companions with me in our days and nights of ardent struggles.

and so, after exams, it was the dreaded standard chartered marathon. my first of many to come i believe. trained only once on a torturous journey with yoke and jiahe. oh how i will remember that hot day. and oh, how i more impressedly i will remember the actual marathon. how i had yoke and pq as initial companions, and then ah fu. and how much determination ah fu had when we were running together briefly. oh, but the most memorable part was how i fought, and how at so many part, i simply decided to give up to walk and how much effort i had to garner to run again. what was disappointing for me, was not really that i gave up, but really how easily i gave up. with how little mental rhetoric and persuasion i attempted against giving up, and how quickly i actually did. what was satisfying was i completed it under 5 hours. next time, next time. i shall not give up. next time, next time, i shall run faster, harder and with a whole lot more preparation.

and hence, after one day of recovery, took my first ippt. all thanks to my dear dear buddy desmond, who paced me, did i achieve my gold. who satisfying did i get my 400 dollars. and how quickly, and unconsciously that amount vanished. haha.

signed up for california fitness for a month and for 18 dollars! thought i bought myself a real deal! almost everyday was dedicated to luxurious gymming. got to know andy. interesting guy, no doubt. got to know spinning, and got to see really babelicious instructors like seline, oh seline, and elizabeth. haha! if i am rich enough, and work in the cbd area, will prob get a membership there. so many interesting drama in the locker room too, involving andy, melvin and alex. ah well.

moved back home. so glad to see my parents everyday again. of course, i started missing my room the moment they started nagging again. after so long, i realise that the more i grew away from my parents, the more i am growing to become like them. my "auntie" nature of totally relishing in discounts is so like my mom. and the tendency to enjoy domestic duties like cleaning the room is so like my dad. oh dear. am i going to look in the mirror and see my dad in myself? no disrespect, i simply fear becoming like my parents. i wish to grow and mature into someone independent and capable of a different nature than of my parents. i wish to do them proud in achieving the success they would only wish for me.

christmas eve. how some of the guys will remember christmas eve. here is just a brief discription. had a party at my place with the guys. lots of alcohol. someone got dead drunk. that someone puked on my bed, my floor, my cd collection. that someone had puke smothered all over his face. that someone had to be dragged all the way to the toilet. the rest of us had a hard laugh. that someone had an intimate time with the toilet bowl. that someone had a major hangover. another guy came late, drunk and acted totally cute. had a good laugh at him too. and a third guy drank little got drunk too and slept lots. puked lots too. but at least he had enough clarity in him to puke in a plastic bag. mel helped lots in cleaning up. after everyone fell into slumber, i stayed up and cleaned up till 5 until i myself had to collapse in exhaustion. great party guys. really.

results. i remember that day. was in the library. it was raining. was in the toilet doing some big business when a certain alex called and shrieked how well he did. 4.5. was happy and pretty surprised, as was everyone. who knew that the guy with so little general knowledge and inability to operate a washing machine could actually get onto dean's list. a lesson to be learnt about stereotyping i guess. although as his roommate, i should give him credit for working smart and hard though he did give the impression that he was whiling his time away blogging 5 times a day. was very glad to hear subsequently that many people did extremely well. made a bet with gm and alex, that the guy with the lowest cap would treat. in the end, I treated. i got 4.3. shucks. haha. guess, i learned a lesson about humility. haha! and a good lesson too. congrats to gm and alex for exceeding expectations. also congrats to all those who did so well. i am more determined to work a lot harder and hopefully exceed my own expectations.

new years eve. went on a crazy sales hunt. first, it was to gnc, then to the U2 warehouse sale and then to the books warehouse sale with mel and riesal. we really went mad. the "auntie" in me was simply overjoyed. then the "guilty" conscious kicked in when i recounted how much i spent that day. ah well.

new years eve party. everyone thought there was going to be repeated affair at johnny's. this time, it was mainly red wine. tried to get each other drunk. but alex held his liquor pretty well, and guomin would not be fooled. kim huat's girlfriends cheesecake was simply sedap. and johnny was the ultimate hospitable host. we enjoyed ourselves there too! so many people turned up. played worms with mel, alex and xiangyi. xiangyi was annoyingly good. despite all the collaborations and plottings against him, he still managed to win 5 out of 5 times. grrr... and it was so fun.

through out the holidays, met up with many many friends whom i had not seen for so so long. my jc classmates, my secondary classmates, my ns buddies, and other friends. went blading with janice. was quite a good experience. shall pick up blading soon. got to know a few new friends too. hehe.

school's started. having a five day work week again. harder modules. smarter people. 2 psychology modules! when i am not a psychology major. social and industrial and organizational psychology. 2 political science modules: political enquiry and government and politics of southeast asia. and a science usp module called evolution. wow wow wow. the sem just gets harder and harder. of course more and more challenging.

guomin's birthday today. had the hardest time organizing a surprise party. and it was the biggest party to date. invited both the guys and the girls. was glad at the turnout. had to make so many plans, send so many smses, make so many trips. glad that he was actually surprised. was so afraid that someone would have accidentally told him, or that he actually suspected. he thought he was going to spend a lonely party with 4 people. "so much for popularity." melvin was commenting, we have set the standard for all the birthday parties to come. herm. its going to be so so hard. hehe. had great help from qianyi and wenya. and angela for cooperating so sportingly. was a bit disappointed though, at again, how the guys and girls tended stay apart, both sides seemingly so shy or adamant at talking to one another. thought it would be juvenile if we were to force a guy-girl-guy-girl sitting arrangement. i was hoping that under a social setting, that beyond the usual melvin, alex, jason, guomin and me "liason officers", more of the guys and girls would make some sort of concerted effort to get to know one another. but i guess, "shyness" is the main reason. just hope the get together broke some more of the ice. anyway, they went to ktv while mel, alex, wen, jul and i went for coffee. so i really, fingers-crossed, through ktv, hopefully a more intimate setting, the guys and girls got to know one another better.

so school has begun. many of us are actually looking forward to it. the initial dreams, hopes and plans are laid out. day after day, it will be a challenge. day after day we will all fight and strive for our goals. and i hope that day after day, we shall forge closer bonds. we shall attain a closer step to happiness. we shall fulfil our destinies. sounds grand? cos it will be.