i am feeling very unmotivated. dont want to study. dun want to do work. the thought of monday and tuesday is daunting, the thought is compressing my emotions into a tin can i want to throw out the window. i have gone through this for the last two weeks. this week, it feels the same, only worse. right now. i feel no one can understand my lethargy. i cant understand it myself. i pride myself to be optimistic and resilient. yet, i am languishing in exhaustion from training, in lukewarm water of the humid night, in still motion of aimless drifting. its three weeks to exams. i am frightening myself again. but it has become numb. its an emotion. its a state of mindlessness. i want to remember this feeling. i want to get out of this. i need to get out of this.

"whenever you feel unmotivated to study, remember the times you wished you did. This is your chance. your life. Its finally here." i wrote this into my mobile in early this year, simply because i know its moments like this that will come and subsume my reality. but reading this now, my present state has not only taken over my reality, its has blurred my past, and dimmed my future. i am always so thankful for the people who has been encouraging me all the way, alvin chow kiat, yao, eileen and alex. but they have done all they can. i have come to the stage when i need to depend only on myself. i am trying to find my crutches cos my legs are paralyzed.

archi melvin is such a genius. came for training again today. was so surprised. i commented that i found it strange to see him during two trainings in a row. not used to his frequent presence. haha!!! but am glad he came down. he's so funny always talking about how packed his life is juggling architecture, usp and db. he always puts my own life in perspective. he gives me a reason not to complain and just do it. however, somehow i suspect he's one of those geniuses from my school. just simply intelligent, and smart, and witty, and capable. the guy who gets the grades whether he studies or not. i am not suggesting he does not study, cos he works damn hard. i am just saying he's a genius.

i dun need more time. i need a brain. and lots of luck. and god. no, wait. i do need more time. was glad melvin told me i should not give up on usp. cos its not much difference, just more work, more fun, more interesting. its one of those i messages that somehow perks me up when reality is getting me down. in the end whether or not i quit usp, will ultimately boil down to my grades at the end of this sem, and a reassessment of my capacities in the context of reality.

PQ is getting irritating. he and alex have this thing against me. sigh. i feel so outcasted. i know its for fun, but its irritating. PQ goes "yeah, yeah, you are right" whenever i start speaking (refer to PQ's blog to find out the reasons behind it). its one of those "shut up, you loud mouth trumpet" sort of tactics. PQ, you better stop using it on me, cos i say again, its super irritating. use only sparingly, cos maybe there are time i need to shut up.

like now. cos i have to continue with my essay.

lesson of the day: sometimes blogging really does make you feel better about yourself. but it tires you out after all that emotional vomit.

it was so screwed up. was in the library in the morning typing my entry, spent 30 minutes of pure emotional and psychological catharsis. was about to publish it, but not before enacting my security measure: ctrl-x. it will save my entry, incase it cannot get publish once i hit the button (fyi, if it does not get published successfully, its gone. even i you hit the "back" button, it disappears, vanishes, flows into the quicksand of time, never to resurface again). and so i was happily highlighting everything when suddenly, poom! it just erases it self. i dunno if i hit anyone buttom by accident. tried the ctrl-z, but nothing happened. i pressed all the buttons, nothing happened. i closed my eyes, went on my knees, screamed a silent prayer to the lord to save my beloved entry from oblivion, nothing happened. it was a sinking feeling. it was a drowning feeling. i was at the bottom of the ocean like Jack in the Titanic. damn you rose. you let me go. still its a worse feeling today than all the times i lost my entries. when i lost my entries previously, i kept telling myself to save a copy, and i did for my last few entries in trepid fear. and today, when i thought i was doing the right thing, applying the logical lesson, it went wrong. its like redeeming yourself from a past criminal record but you end up bumping into an old lady and induced a heart attack that killed her. why? oh why?

so i left, in quaking fuming anger, just waiting to find someone to screamed at. but no one. its a disappointment upon disappointment. ah well.

spent the whole day just sitting at the forum reading the education of cyrus, in order to do my essay. skipped the damn writing module and mr paul nerney. just din want to see his face. just din want to hear his voice. din want no kentucky friend chicken from the colonel sanders look alike. so my butt grew roots into the bench, and i fell alseep. okay. at least i mananged to read finish the book and wrote a few notes. will do my essay later. i hope.

a close friend told me that i am very definite. "definite"? when i said "fine" it means "fine". if i said "bye" it means no more. am i that definite? am i that harsh? am i the finality in my interactions with my friends? i am very straight. if i mean work, it means work unto completion. if i play, i play till i drop. i draw clear boundaries. i cut my pie in clean straight lines. no crumbs, no leftovers, no lingering pieces for the crows to pick. if i eat my rice, i make sure my bowl is spotless. if i tidy up my table, i make sure my books in the bookshelf are arranged by height. if i sit and watch tv, my occupation becomes "couch potato". i am a very determined guy. i am a very one tracked guy. some people like it, some people don't. my men back in 3 sir always says i am too straight. ought to cut some slack. ended up undermining my partners laid back attitudes, made him look bad. sigh. and now, its back again, undermining my relationships now. there was one night the first time i studied with alex. i told him not to talk to me until we finished studying. he thought i was cutting him off. you know alex, that guy has to talk to keep alive. back then, if you talk, i make sure your notes get stuffed through your mouth and into your brain. but his curt complain about it made me realise how with my own behaviour, i am denying other people's freedom. i am denying their entry. now, i am TRYING to multitask, ie, read and entertain people's comments at the same time. i stress the TRYING. leopards dun change his spots, at least overnight. if anyone of you see me studying, please drop by to say hi. but if you stay for more than 10 minutes, i am going to have to ask you to leave. now. immediately. haha!!! yes current and future study mates, i am trying.

miss the good old days, when studying was your sole occupation, your life, your death. all day, all night, you are just thinking about how much you will score for the test tomorrow. 99? or 98? and a half? sigh. now, in uni, you have so much more to think about. studies, people, girls, hair style, fashion, sex (for this, its purely just thought), food, money, future, cv, jobs, ecas, competitors, politics, blah blah blah. i just want to study, but i cant do it anymore, i am not in secondary school. i am in university. and university means id better the take the pressure. or take the next exit out.

thinking. thinking. gone.

lesson of the day: skip lessons you know you are not going to enjoy anyway. time can be well spent doing essays.

i realise a lot of people are reading my blog, for whatever reasons. concerned friends, interested stalkers, hungry voyeurs. hm. i have to try to remember that there will always be things i cannot say. cos i will always offend someone. but you know what, i dun care. what you see is what you get man. i am an open book. you are here to read me. and i am inviting you to open my cover. but please be gentle with me, cos i am a book.

this is saying hi to people i never really knew were regularly keeping up to date with my life, like JW, andrea, and medicine melvin (yes i am waiting to read one of your many facets melvin). well, if any one who comes across this blog and am interested to have a little chat with me, feel free to drop an email. better yet, leave me your own blog site, so i can read yours too. voyeurs attract voyuers. yes i am a voyuer too. everyone is. cos everybody dreams of living someone else's life. and they do so by reading about them. that's why i love literature. if only i got the time to sit and finally read lord of the rings, and hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. after exams. yeah, sorry i got abit off track. yeah, so you! whoever is reading my blog, lets have the professional courtesy to exchange lives. NB: make sure your life is interesting.

okie, i feel my readings calling me now. i cant stay and read your lives anymore.

lesson of the day: you get a nice crunch sound and a soft squish feel whenever you step on a snail.

the dreaded writing module. the hated mr nerney. the daunting paper 3. its all happening again. the confusion, the torture, the even-if-i-write-my-essay-its-going-to-be-wrong-wrong-wrong. write again please. ah well. kinda feeling crappy cos of the cough medicine. was sprouting nonsense in class. then there was this bloody irritating indian girl from the other class who crashed ours and basically talked more than the whole class combined. the indian accent, the shrilly voice, the i-know-how-to-articulate-what-mr nerney-says tone. ew. ew. ew. if i had to hear that kind of voice again, i will make her drink my cough syrup, and listen to a tape record of her own opinions again and again until she realises that she sounds like a female lee kuan yew on helium. maybe its just my inability to sprout such sensible sentences that got me jealous. then again, everybody else's eyeballs were rolling in pain too. so its not just me then. yeah.

my friend acknowledge too that the people are usp are crazy. they are geniuses no doubt, but the competition there can drive even the sane (yours truly) nuts. my friend is right, they are bent on taking over the world. at the end of the sem, if i dun get my 3.5, or 4.0, i am going to have to drop either db or usp. looking at the way things go, the atmosphere at db is a bit more amiable than the throat-cutting, back-stabbing, lies-sprouting, confusion-inducing environment of usp. leaders of the future? bah. just crazy delusional kids who think grades are everything. i am trying my best to concoct this brain eating virus to infect all these mad people. then i will be the only one left to rule the planet. yeah.

the prince is by far the best book i have read. i only read the introduction, but its already in my opinion the best book. its about politics, all the throat-cutting, back-stabbing, lies-sprouting, confusion-inducing politics that every social and political being should and must know if they one to take over the world. i have a nagging feeling, i am the last person in usp to be reading this book. but no matter, my virus will wipe them all out anyway. still, the prinve by nicolo machiavelli is indeed a wonderful book to read. if not to rule the world, at least know how to guard your self against such people. i recomment the 48 laws of power by this guy called greene. he wrote the 48 laws of seduction too. i am going to read that once the sem is over. yeah.

db was a killer today. more farge legs (however you spell it). its interval running. its so bad, that people were falling out with cramps, or injuries. and these are dragon boaters. man. i was close to falling out too. was feeling dizzy after the statics. my friend asked me if it was a good training session. for me, as long as i feel tired, and great, and grateful that i am still alive, yes, it was a good training session. i am a sadist. i like pain. i like to play along the edges. i am a rebel. so? what can you do about? i just love it. hate going for trainings though. but once you do it, all i can think about is when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. this explains why i did not commit suicide whenever i had the chance. life is too good. when things are down and painful, and its when you keeping say you can't do it, you make it happen. its magical. its called the human spirit. endearing, enduring, and ultimately the thing that makes your world spin.

my friend called me boorish. i call myself simple. called me insensitive. i call myself a man.

lesson of the day: you have to press the stop button in the shuttle service so the bus will actually stop for you to alight.

i just finished my Southeast Asia essay, at least i think i did. am doing it with daniel lee from the same camp. because my home's portable home ran out of battery, i ended up talking to him on my mobile. shucks. my plan has no free incoming or outgoing. my plan's ancient. i am imagining the next bill paymet. da-ba-bomb.

over our discussions, i realise i cant stand people whose views differ from my own if it concerns work. i become very impatient, and very irritated. but at every point of difference, i cooled and tried to listen to him, and did my best to have his points included. they made sense. just not to me. i am imagining how i am going to interact with co-workers in the future. i have had friends like JW and alex always complaining about somebody they have to work with and how terrible they are at human relations. i am not afraid to shoot my mouth off hence i usually always tick someone off or rub the guy up the wrong way. sigh. have to be patient. have to be diplomatic. have to be a suck up. have to act more convincingly. have to be more fake. ah well. that's life. right?

db was a torture for me today. i was doing my essay in the morning, kept thinking about whether or not to go, and then by a wave of yearning, i decided to go for training at the last minute. and ironically when i was there, i kept thinking about my essay. talk about being in two place at once. then i felt so weak and tired. and every stroke was painful, every pull a stress and every recovery felt like slow motion. i was wacked. sean says that a boat can only fill 22 people. i am hoping i will not be selected for that team. i mean there is no need for that hope. i am not qualified to be considered for selection anyway. but i do want to be in the mixed team though. haha! i want to participate. but i know if i get into the main boat, i am just going to slow them down. at least in the mixed team, i have more impetus to pull hard. maybe just to look more impressive to the girls. haha!!!

going to talk about gm again. its just normal observations, dun worry baby. i am NOT interested in you. haha!!! read his blog. he's super funny. he's the kam sort of funny. he's the ah beng funny. he reminds me of desmond gay from camp. sprouting nonsenses that comes off as funny. then he makes all those puns and jokes about chinese idioms. bao1 luo2 wan4 xiang4. wrap the gong and thousands of cameras will take your pictures. its funnier cos alex will believe them. haha!!! you crack us up man. he's your street comedian. like david blaine the street magician. but other than that, he's just your normal perverted, uncontrollably hormonal guy who just wants some form of decent love. awwww.... he's wacked. good luck buddy. hope your relationship lasts longer than 2 months.

yao, andrea and mark played pool yesterday. i had to do essay. i was so jealous when yao was telling me about it. i missed pool so bloody damn much. andrea beat mark!!! i cant' believe it. that means she can beat me anytime now. i am just fantasizing how much pool i am going to play after the exams... muahaha!!!! i am going to let loose and wreck havoc. pool parlours... be afraid... be very afraid.........

but its really an opportunity to meet my friends again, all those i have neglected. i miss you yao. i miss all the times we spent chatting and conversing our way home. but i saw this coming, the end of it all when school started. and even so, we havent been making the conceited effort to call each other, only because i am the only who is always busy, always working, always training. to all my friends, i always think about you. and its sometimes sad, especially when i am hanging out with my books or my db buddies, and all i can do for you guys is think about you all. i am such a bastard. but at the same time, i know you guys have gone off and gotten your own life. i look back at secondary school and my best mates, ZX, YX, merv, WY, alvin chiew have all distanced them selves so far away i dun recognise them. and they cant' recognise me either. we have changed. and i weep for the differences. we cant seem to find that one constant thing that we can hold on to sometimes. and we drift apart.

exams are coming. i am not prepared. i am screwed. as usual.

i am really feeling like breaking down now. today i just finished that damn paper 2 essay. and at the end of it all, i dun feel secure. i have that nagging feeling its going to come back bad. i was sitting there and i visualised a C+ and my mind screamed in pain. i was so scared. what if i get an F? what if?

there goes my imagination again, that insecure, panicky, paranoid side of me that i picked up and cultivated to perfection in those competitive years in raffles. wonderful, great, fabulous. i am sooo doomed.

anyway, back to my intellectual collapse. i have a SEA essay due monday. i have a Cyrus essay due thurs. i have a The Prince presentation on monday. i have a Paper 3 (!!!) essay due dunno when. and i have three modules i need to study for the exam for. am i not screwed? am i not whacked? i need a hug. and stay there.
on top of that, i have been having this bad viral cough since last sunday. and its not letting up. its getting me down. and getting worse. i feel i am coughing whatever disintergrated brain matter i have left in this head of mine.

alvin chow kiat was telling me to remember the "lower" people, and be appreciative. you are not the worst. you are not the most stupid. there are other people getting lower grades than you. yeah. sure. now that's going to to make me happy. i dun believe in getting a head of people "worse" than me. i want to getting closer to the people higher than me. this is what years of self improvement messages have done to me. make me stronger. and more stressed.

guomin. yes. i am sure you are just DYING to see what i have to write about you this time you perverted sicko maniac. i was NOT stalking you. i was NOT looking at you. i was NOT imagining all the nasty things i would like to do to you. but i can try, since you want me to. haha!!! i will take more time and effort to stare at you. okay? just make sure you make us laugh you joker.
anyway, dun let the fact that you did less pull ups yesterday get you down. you were probably just tired. just keep at it and we will get stronger together.

alex. yes. i am going to talk about you again haha!!! he's such a nice guy. he stands by his friends (whoever he regards as his friends. he's so picky) whenever they are down. he's great. the all round good guy. EXCEPT (ah ha. here's where it gets nasty) do you know he is so picky? he is choosy about his food? here's are a few example of the things he cannot eat: peanut butter. peanut. cheese. brinjal. raw fish. raw anything. durian. strawberry. strawberry??? but he likes cherry. har??? he's not weird. he's crazy. also, he has impeccable table manners. he hates it when people slurps their food, or munch noisily or chew with their mouths open. that's what i do. that's why he hates me. its hard living with a guy who is overly concerned with grades, food and table manners. that's why he's my friend, cos i need to learn a few things about sitting properly and eating right.

yup that's it for now. now i have to scat and read SEA while coughing.

okie. i wrote this long entry. and it just vanished. damn damn damn. now i am pissed.

woah... this is like 3 or 4 days since i actually came online? hm. so many things can happen in 4 days.

i din go for db training yesterday (*gasp*). yes yes, i know that reaction. i was coughing quite badly. i was really quite prepared to go, but i decided not to, cos i really wanted to have a good sleep. (havent gone away yet though. but i AM going for training tomorrow!) but the big boo-boo was that i din inform anyone about it. PQ called me after training to ask. he told me tony called me irresponsible (*gasp*gasp*). the horror! o! the horror! it struck me straight into the heart. and only then i realised how negligent and indeed irresponsible i had been.
i had not felt to shocked for a long time, not at least since the time salihin called me selfish. never had i thought i could have faltered so unconsciously. if there is any values i prized, they are being responsible and considerate (there's a difference between considerate and sensitive, fyi). i just feel dazed and worried for the state of my mind, and my morals and the vigilance in safeguarding them. this is what happens when you are constantly think of that somebody, and always wishing to be close to that someone dear. it just makes everything seem so insignificant, so inconsequential. but somehow it seems wrong that love should cloud everything else. yet it seems most genuine.

gm thinks i am onto that clown. haha!!! what a thought. i guess that's the thought of a desperate man who wants to be loved. he thinks everyone who speaks well of him MUST be in love with him. its okay dear boy. i understand. have been there once before. haha!!! i am sure tt will accept you. then you will heck care the world and only have her in your heart and your mind.

eileen initiated to study with me. like finally, girl. everytime call her, she's always either rovers or church or netball or friends or somewhere else. but we din get to study much. ended up chatting with her. then had to scoot off somewhere. she left before i came back and was so nice to pack my bag. and not before leaving me an invitation to her church. din realise she put it in my file until i got home. that's sweet, and caring. but i can't go and give the Lord an official chance yet. i have things to settle before i may allow myself in my presence, if he still wants me.
thanks anyway, dear girl.

alex, ah alex. he's going to have things to say to me again, if i say anything bad about him. he's always whining about work and how he lost that 2 percent in the psychology test because he misread the question by so little much. and that anger i witnessed was quite scary cos for the first time, i saw in his eyes how much anger and violence he is capable off. but i rather him blow off the steam than keep it in the heart and ferment and just go crazy, like how i myself operate. i want to be there whenever he is low, just as he has been a good friend and has been there whenever i need someone to talk to. thanks buddy, you dunno how much your being means to my sanity. haha!!!

okie, i really have to go and do my USP paper 2 essay. still pissed about it. i am sooooo going to fail. oh yeah, and one more, its regarding jason from db now. he asked me what was my lowest grades and i said b- and he's like happy cos he got a better grade than b-. hmm.. glad to be of service as a stepping stone. nono.. please, i am dying for any of you to use me as your sex toy if only to grant you any form of academic orgasm. sigh. haha!! nono, kiddin jason. not angry at you. its human nature. i do that all the time. haha!!! it sucks being at the bottom. it just justifies my stupidity.

but dun worry, i will psycho myself to think i am smart. trust me. i am great at deluding myself.

the sun will come up, tomorrow!

i feel gladder. and more calm now... after the last few days. it has been a really hectice and heart pounding two weeks. so much things to think and do.

Prof Nerney just turned my Paper 2 essay inside out, and very subtlely insinuated that i got my concepts wrong, and suggested a new thesis. I.e. MC, please write your entire essay again. I dun care if you took 2 weeks to think and do it, i am giving you 5 days. see you at class on tuesday!
bitch.

so there went my entire weekend. and it did not help that i had been having 5 hours of sleep, in an attempt to go to school and study, only to fall asleep all alone on the benches. this is super unproductive. i need resolve! i need determination! i need more coffee.

and so, my rants and rave shakes the world around me. it shakes my world at least.

DB is tough. really. but i like it. Teddy has been training really hard on off days. i think he is a great role model, getting up early to study and going the mile to do extra training. i want to be like him, i want his never say die attitude.
i cant seem to find the time. i am always reading, and sleeping, and worrying, and getting my essays thrown back at me demanding to be redone. how to do extra training?

alex is also working very hard. for his psychology. he's got his entire month planned out. and he's juggling arts mc and dragonboat as well. he's aiming for a 5.0 cap. he's got guts. but i still can't help feeling he's setting himself up for disappointment. still, they are good expectations. its not so much whether or not you hit the mark as it is you hit as high as you can, most probably beyond your current abilities and even if you do miss, you get up from the fall and carry on. i am not smart. but guomin says qin2 neng2 bu3 zhuo2. the piano can cover the table.

speaking of guomin, i have only come to recently realise that this dunman-victoria, chao ah beng who believes he has the looks of brad bitt, the wit of tony blair and the stomach of moses lim, a romantic soon-to-be computer engineer is really very humourous. whenever i look at him, i really want to laugh out loud. he has the countenance of an ernest school boy. big eyed, cute dimples. looks like puss in boots in shrek 2. when he "tries" to act serious, he always ends up looking like he's parodying some love scene and making it going all wrong. haha!!! i thinks he's talented and should try for show biz. he's corny and witty, coming up with all the lame jokes man. he's my kind of guy. at this point he will think that i am onto him.. (oh... hoho... if only you knew, gm.... *evil grin*). No lah. i mean, he's the sort of person i'd like to hang around and listen to him crap. like alvin chow kiat and kenneth koh. i always believe that people who knows how to use puns and lame jokes are a rare breed to human beings that are always under appreciated by mainstream society. he's the sort that should get any girl he sets his eyes on. so go for it brother. im sure if she's the one, she will enjoy your every pun. just pick up your guts from the nearest buchery, stuff them inside your stomach and keep asking her.

good night baby. i love you lots. (not you gm, you wish.)

i have been sick these days. in all sense of the word.

my throat is hurting, i am coughing, i feel queasy, i have got blisters, and on top of that i am not getting any good sleep.
and then i am exerting myself in dragonboat and my studies. everynight means sleeping at 1 in the morning, and waking up at 7 to go to school. its work work work everytime everyday.

i realise i am emotional unstable. my heart can't take longing, and my heart can't take hurting. i try to be more resilient, more determined, yet it cries as it breaks, and cries as it mends.

i am addicted. on the rational surface is seems to wrong, so terrible, so bad. yet, i like it. but this dialectic is renting me. my heart and my head. my body and my soul. its teaching me so many things, things i have never done before, and yet i am surprised i did it, and that i am capable to doing it. its an ugly side that must be hidden and kept away.

okay. back to finding ASEAN. why can't we just cooperate and make the world a safe place?

i have been super impatient, super insensitive, super greedy. i have been asking for too much from myself. creating all these fantasies with no clue if they might come true or not.
we just came to a stage when we can call oursleves close, yet circumstances bid us distance. i guess this is normal. this is part and parcel of it all. i must have the emotional maturity and resilience to handle such challenges. i may miss it all, for a while, but i guess when we meet, the wait is worth it. to try to understand you better, to try for us to reach a higher level of intellectual and emotional econnection. to try to search for the friendship and love we hope to achieve from each other.
there is still so much to do, so much to say. but i must be patient. i promised to experience it all slowly. this is a good chance to slow things down. we cannot ask too much to fast. pacin you said. three stages. i pray we can get through this.and we will. i promise.

its wrong. yet it feels so right. you aint it. yet you are. why have you come? what are your intentions? don't hurt me. i am just a simple man. i just want to love and be loved. i want your friendship and i will give you mine. you read me well. i feel comfortable. i feel happy. but what do you want from me? what do you want me to do? reciprocate. tell me so i know. voice it out so i can act. show me that you are worth my fighting for. cos i want to.

just more thoughts and more ramblings from my poetic side. hehe.

when i scanned through alvin's and weiyang's essays before handing mine up, i felt that they probably put in a lot of effort judging by their bibliography. assuming that they aren't compulsive liars, which i know they aren't, it looked impressive. alvin took the time to stylize his fonts, while weiyang added in colour. yes, yes, i know its tiny petty details, but remember i come from raffles, where everyone is paranoid of each other's grades. haha!!! nono. it really is just a reflect of the extent of human potential and willingness to take the effort. puts mine in perspective.

i always remember when po qin and benedict teased me about how much time i spent in the photocopying shop just furiously and mindless photostating away. the shop auntie knew me by my name. but in the end, i never read them and just chucked them aside, simply because i ran out of time, missed the deadline and was just writing out the actual essay at 1 am in the morning. talk about foolish youth.

back to the point. i mean i understand human capacity is unlimited. i understand human determination is strong. i understand the need to be smart and do the right things right. what i still can't get, and still can't do, is to have and do all three of them simultaneously. haha!
then i realise my human capacity limited, my determination short, and my intellect lacking. hm. i need to work on myself more.

i really, really, really hate it when a friend loses another friend, especially if he or she is a close friend. its a damn pity. makes a mockery out of relationships. makes a fool out of human emotions. makes a sight out of one's willingness to sacrifice his own time for the other. its stupid and undeserving. i will say a prayer just for you alvin, and hope you will find her soon. if not, there's always you, me and a playboy magazine. haha!!!

when i look at alvin, i always feel a sense of admiration for that guy. smart, witty, entertaining, artistic, devoted. and brave. just sometimes, i dun understand when he is serious, and when he is joking, cos most of the time, he is always joking and making everyone laugh at his antics. he deserves better.

but at the same time, its precisely because of friends like alvin, and zx, that through their own journeys of emotional ups and downs, that always scares me. scares me out of asking, frightens me out of believing that i and her will ever have a happy ever after. emotions are unpredictable and fleeting. one day i may feel a profound sense of affection, the next a bland sort of aftertaste. believe in myself? i do. i am confident, just not handsome. i am capable, just not funny. i am good husband quality, just not good boyfriend quality. i just still can't bring myself to believe that there can be any ever after.

another friend though, has given me some food for thought though, in the capacity for human emotions and how it can drive one nuts into action. it really drives me nuts that i am afraid also, that i get swept away in irrationality and in unrealistic fantasies. i want ever after. i just dun believe it will come and get me.

thank God i have made it past tuesday. three essays and one report submitted. now their grades rest in the tutors' and the Lord's hand. He knows i have tried my best and thank you for the strength to see me through.

But its not over.

do the waves stop coming? does the sun stop rising and setting? does work cease to dump its fat sorry ass on your head whenever you just want to stop and take a breather? no, of course not, you little boy. i just keep coming.

and so begins a new chapter in my book of struggles and school of hardknocks. maybe its the government's way of training resilient citizens. whatever the case, i need to get back my motivation and drive to choing again. missions don't last one dawn mission. they last 4 days. lan lan must fight. and must fight well. so when rtu you can go back camp and clean your rifle and boast how many magazines of rounds you expended and how may trenches you cleared.

more essays, more assignments, more readings. argh. you better help me here. quit talking and let's just feed of each other's desire for a cap of 5.0 and concentrate.

superficial. busy. backslide. no vulgarites. protection from tohers. swimming pool. loud and noisy. phsical. hug. whine. laughs at my big mouth. thumb drive. relaly dirty fingernails. smokes. taxi driver. mattress and clams.selected childhood memories. plain blank. academic rival. intensly competitive. secondary school friend. church freind. sees through others. goes fro beauty. kinky underwear. sensual. transformation. touchy. hair. passive. circular logic. non-violent. PUPPY!

its always interesting and moving to learn new things about friends. two people who were once complete strangers moving closer and establishing a plane of open communication. it goes beyond first impressions, beyond basic emotion to attain a higher level of intellectual interconnection and deeper sense of love and longing.

i breaking apart. sometimes i am surprised at the things he sees in me that i have never seen before. he has become to me my emotional crutch and rational lens. everytime we meet, i feel that we can be so comfortable with each other. i am grateful for the things he does. i am probabaly just grateful for the being he is.

however, there is always this lurking ominous feeling inside. as always in any friendship, there are always risks. the more you get along with someone, initailly the passions, the enthusiasm, the determination are at their peak. but as time goes by, the demands of society, of life, of ourselves, we will backslide, like church. the more we get along together, the more we become entrenched in each other's life to the point we become unconscious of the things we do and the things we have done. then one day, revelation will just strike us and realise that there are loopholes, weaknessnes, wrongdoings. there are others things we long to do. what then?
that's when the curve slopes down.

i don't want a situation like this. i had it before. several times. it feels terrible. sometimes i am guilty of rejecting others. sometimes i get rejected. we shut each other out after a long relationship. i want to make good here. i am just wondering how long it will last. i want forever. but will it? how can there be friends forever when all of us walk in and stroll out of one another's hearts and lives? right now, i am contented with understanding each other. when we reach that stage, we will try to figure things out.

think i am falling sick.. always staying late in school till 10.. then go home and stay on msn till 2... haha! something is so wrong with this picture. should like abstain from the net. but if i abstain from the net, i can't blog. and if i can't blog then it defeats my purpose of reaching out to the world. actually the main reason is msn. maybe i should just abstain from msn. but i only just realised the value of chatting. oh dear. more worries, more troubles.

i know this girl. i want to go out with her. but yet, i dont feel anything. as in i am not moved my strong sweeping passions. i don't feel that i can't live without her. i don't feel earthquaking excitement. i just feel glad. i just feel expectant. i just want to see how much more i can get my passions by being with her. how much do i have to feel before i am qualified to ask her out?

i got an A- for my King David essay. i am so happy. at least it offsets the B- for my writing module. i worked for a week on both essays. now i have 3 days to do 2 essays. i wonder what grades God has in store for me this time round.

sigh, a friend expressed his love for a girl who rejected him. its been some time ago. he din tell, i din know, and i still teased him. it only goes to show how much we haven't talked. he's the horse, i am the snake. we talked all the way home all the time in the past. now, we don't. school, work, training. now its as if we are living our own lives where our venn diagramm circles dun overlap much anymore. i feel i let him down. i was not there when he needed to talk. sorry.
but we promised to grab each other and spill the beans if need be right? you better. or i will punch you, kapisch?


meglomaniac. selfish. attention seeking. kiam pah face. romance prone. sex averse. ego. be loved than love. long kisses. close sister. best friend. emotional void. 42-6. ego. 24 hour mc. top five in pscyh. probably a genius. two people in your life. seeking new girl. negative confidence. photogenic. ego.

interesting character dun you think?


it will always start out well. then plateau, then it will start dropping. how can i keep it up there? will it last? or am we just going to be utility to each other? like disposable underwear. i have really high hopes for you. but even higher hopes for me.

eileen had a bacterial infection so she din come to school, and to think i printed her lecture notes and bought her breakfast. well, i ate them all. hope she gets better and get her essay completeted!

political science lecture was terrible, the girls behind were so noisy, and alvin kept pointing out the oblique references of Prof Paul Tan's lecture: cyber net, free adult male citizens, pubic perfomance, Hitler. and what's alvin's conclusion? the professors gay. hallelujah! the power of alvin's logic.
and last week it was playboy + two guys staring at each other = gay. praise the lord! alvin's theorem.

but that's probably not the real reason i felt distracted. i was preoccupied with a certain friendship i was wondering if i should take a chance on. then i had all these expectaions, and hopes and wishes. and then, suddenly, they were driving me nuts. i dunno. i never felt so passionate and wanting before. the thought was daunting. thought i found the one. but it felt too fast. could i be wrong? is it possible? it was a sinking yet a hopeful feeling. it was becoming a desperation.

how close can two people be allowed to get? before they realise they were fated to be great friends? before they can trust each other with their lives? before they can open their hearts to their deepest darkest depths?

what a wonderful joy it is, to be able to say you have found someone to share your life with, especially for someone who has taken the conscious effort to close himself from the world. what a wonderful feeling it is to think there is someone who can melt the snow in your heart and set forth flowers in the spring of emotional release.

but at the same time, one cannot set his expectations too high. no one is perfect. The person may unlock your heart, but he or she aint going to stay there and keep a fire going forever, just to keep it warm. so be content, be merry and keep the faith.

i will take that chance. maybe is God's way of saying He is here. and here's an angel i sent by the way. take a leap of faith, put your eggs in this basket, and I won't let you down.

but at the same time too, i wonder if i can be an angel too. can i fulfill my duty as a friend? will i be there if my friend needs me? will i listen to my friend whine or bitch or laugh or cry? can i be the same punching bag i want to punch at myself? i wish i was endowed with such knowledge, looks like i have to go get it the hard way.

you can break my eggs, cos i will just put more in your basket. its a chance that will make or break me.

"he who learns but does not think is lost; he who thinks but does not learn is in danger."

i like confucius. he is so practical and yet idealistic. He's intelligent and wise for his time. i wonder if i can be like him, all smart and holy. but first i have to finish the damn essay about him. suddenly he dun look so holy to me anymore.


"i think that all mysterious figure would be revealed in the end. It is onli a matter of time. To a large extent, it is up to you. Whether you are able to accept him to enter your life and break you. This person is often quite unexpected, so be prepared for him. But the impt thing is not to let him go so easily due to your fears."

that's my first letter since whenever. i was so happy. i love letters. there's something intimate and personal about words. they may not be entirely accurate cos they are usually idealized in our own heads. but therein lies the challenge to interpretation (and also freedom for fantasies).

well, thanks for the letter. i appreciate the opportunities to know you better, cos i do want to know you better. there's something in you i would like to learn from. so i hope you will accept my intrusion into your life. i want to learn of your insecurities and i want to tell you mine cos i think we both need to bewail the world once in a while. its nice to know one more understanding person.

don't you think?

i hate it. when i get read like a book
yet i like it. cos i feel i am understood.

i hate it. i want to be a dark, mysterious, shroudy figure.
yet i like it. cos i want my heart to be opened.

the thing about eggs, is that they are too easily broken.

now you know. i must kill you.

so here i am, talking and chatting to alex, yao and jingwen. i am so happy. cos they represent my still but barely existing social life. these are the people who keep me sane, who keep me contented, who keep me appreciative.

today, db training was so tough. sprints, weights, pull ups... all designed to push us to the max. that's why i like db. its like ns. they pushed me and pushed my limits. i love the adrenaline rush, of feeling alive, of feeling accomplished, of feeling grown and progressed. life is not sedantary, its a challenge to be been seeked out, and challenged against. i love it.

tony is such a great motivator. reminds me of my friends who never gave up on me. tony's a strong character and has admirable achievements. i hope to achieve the same standards of commitment as he has.

that's why i must never give up on myself. i have faults, but i am changing. i know it is going to take a long time, but i will continue to strive.

at the same time, having three essays due in one week is WAY too much! i feel i can handle it, but i am not confident i can handle them well. the B- for the writing module really dealt a crushing blow to my belief in my own capabilities.

heh. life is just that, nothing but work and training. but i like it... at least for now... i dun want it to end too soon.

i finally begin to see the usefulness of blogging. i claim i have no social life, or rather, i claim to reject social life because i have simplified my life to Arts, USP and Dragonboat.

yao expressed his sadness when i said this. and i express mine. i do feel i lack some things. but yet i have made this conscious choice because i see some things worth of value to me in this. you guys may not understand why, but let's just put it as i am a sadist and am out to put myself through hell.

i will explain myself over the course of the next week excursions into internet land.

so up until now, please my freinds, be contented to know i am still alive.

hence forth, this blog will be my first and foremost form of contact with those i know but whose name i am beginning to forget because i do not see you guys often enough.

please do forgive me in my actions. but please say hi when you see me. cos i tend to zoom past people in my rush to go to 1. the canteen 2. my lessons and 3. the central library.

so all in all, after 21 years of existence, after learning some really important lessons, after knowing the wrong choices i made, i hope i am making the right choices now.

i finally begin to see the usefulness of blogging. i claim i have no social life, or rather, i claim to reject social life because i have simplified my life to Arts, USP and Dragonboat.

yao expressed his sadness when i said this. and i express mine. i do feel i lack some things. but yet i have made this conscious choice because i see some things worth of value to me in this. you guys may not understand why, but let's just put it as i am a sadist and am out to put myself through hell.

i will explain myself over the course of the next week excursions into internet land.

so up until now, please my freinds, be contented to know i am still alive.

hence forth, this blog will be my first and foremost form of contact with those i know but whose name i am beginning to forget because i do not see you guys often enough.

please do forgive me in my actions. but please say hi when you see me. cos i tend to zoom past people in my rush to go to 1. the canteen 2. my lessons and 3. the central library.

so all in all, after 21 years of existence, after learning some really important lessons, after knowing the wrong choices i made, i hope i am making the right choices now.

i have three essays and i want to write? oh dear.

anyway, had a very interesting and humourous talk with xanvife just now. but i learnt a lot of things from that guy. expectations, friends, eggs.

he is just such a funny guy. i wonder why no girls is clinging onto him yet. i wanna be like him. haha!

a few lessons: don't have too high expectations, keep good friends, and keep putting your egg's in one's basket, even if he or she keeps cooking them and having scrabbled eggs for breakfast.


Last night, as i was walking home, the chinese temple outside my home was having its inauguration ceremony. It was such a huge processions of lion and dragon dances, as well as big headed dolls all filing down the street to bless the temple. It was so colourful, so noisy, so festive. Don't think i will ever see another one ever.

At that point of time, ZX called to jio me play pool! i was so happy, cos it was such a coincidence that he was driving in the neighbourhood, and that it would be my first social outing for a month! i may have publicly declared i wanted to deprive myself of social life, but i must admit, i was feeling quite depraved and hungry for friends. so ZX, thanks a lot!

but now, back to reality and the daunting sceptre of three essays hangs in front of my eyes, threatening to gouge them out of my tiny sockets. i have to start cracking my head.