it was so screwed up. was in the library in the morning typing my entry, spent 30 minutes of pure emotional and psychological catharsis. was about to publish it, but not before enacting my security measure: ctrl-x. it will save my entry, incase it cannot get publish once i hit the button (fyi, if it does not get published successfully, its gone. even i you hit the "back" button, it disappears, vanishes, flows into the quicksand of time, never to resurface again). and so i was happily highlighting everything when suddenly, poom! it just erases it self. i dunno if i hit anyone buttom by accident. tried the ctrl-z, but nothing happened. i pressed all the buttons, nothing happened. i closed my eyes, went on my knees, screamed a silent prayer to the lord to save my beloved entry from oblivion, nothing happened. it was a sinking feeling. it was a drowning feeling. i was at the bottom of the ocean like Jack in the Titanic. damn you rose. you let me go. still its a worse feeling today than all the times i lost my entries. when i lost my entries previously, i kept telling myself to save a copy, and i did for my last few entries in trepid fear. and today, when i thought i was doing the right thing, applying the logical lesson, it went wrong. its like redeeming yourself from a past criminal record but you end up bumping into an old lady and induced a heart attack that killed her. why? oh why?
so i left, in quaking fuming anger, just waiting to find someone to screamed at. but no one. its a disappointment upon disappointment. ah well.
spent the whole day just sitting at the forum reading the education of cyrus, in order to do my essay. skipped the damn writing module and mr paul nerney. just din want to see his face. just din want to hear his voice. din want no kentucky friend chicken from the colonel sanders look alike. so my butt grew roots into the bench, and i fell alseep. okay. at least i mananged to read finish the book and wrote a few notes. will do my essay later. i hope.
a close friend told me that i am very definite. "definite"? when i said "fine" it means "fine". if i said "bye" it means no more. am i that definite? am i that harsh? am i the finality in my interactions with my friends? i am very straight. if i mean work, it means work unto completion. if i play, i play till i drop. i draw clear boundaries. i cut my pie in clean straight lines. no crumbs, no leftovers, no lingering pieces for the crows to pick. if i eat my rice, i make sure my bowl is spotless. if i tidy up my table, i make sure my books in the bookshelf are arranged by height. if i sit and watch tv, my occupation becomes "couch potato". i am a very determined guy. i am a very one tracked guy. some people like it, some people don't. my men back in 3 sir always says i am too straight. ought to cut some slack. ended up undermining my partners laid back attitudes, made him look bad. sigh. and now, its back again, undermining my relationships now. there was one night the first time i studied with alex. i told him not to talk to me until we finished studying. he thought i was cutting him off. you know alex, that guy has to talk to keep alive. back then, if you talk, i make sure your notes get stuffed through your mouth and into your brain. but his curt complain about it made me realise how with my own behaviour, i am denying other people's freedom. i am denying their entry. now, i am TRYING to multitask, ie, read and entertain people's comments at the same time. i stress the TRYING. leopards dun change his spots, at least overnight. if anyone of you see me studying, please drop by to say hi. but if you stay for more than 10 minutes, i am going to have to ask you to leave. now. immediately. haha!!! yes current and future study mates, i am trying.
miss the good old days, when studying was your sole occupation, your life, your death. all day, all night, you are just thinking about how much you will score for the test tomorrow. 99? or 98? and a half? sigh. now, in uni, you have so much more to think about. studies, people, girls, hair style, fashion, sex (for this, its purely just thought), food, money, future, cv, jobs, ecas, competitors, politics, blah blah blah. i just want to study, but i cant do it anymore, i am not in secondary school. i am in university. and university means id better the take the pressure. or take the next exit out.
thinking. thinking. gone.
lesson of the day: skip lessons you know you are not going to enjoy anyway. time can be well spent doing essays.
so i left, in quaking fuming anger, just waiting to find someone to screamed at. but no one. its a disappointment upon disappointment. ah well.
spent the whole day just sitting at the forum reading the education of cyrus, in order to do my essay. skipped the damn writing module and mr paul nerney. just din want to see his face. just din want to hear his voice. din want no kentucky friend chicken from the colonel sanders look alike. so my butt grew roots into the bench, and i fell alseep. okay. at least i mananged to read finish the book and wrote a few notes. will do my essay later. i hope.
a close friend told me that i am very definite. "definite"? when i said "fine" it means "fine". if i said "bye" it means no more. am i that definite? am i that harsh? am i the finality in my interactions with my friends? i am very straight. if i mean work, it means work unto completion. if i play, i play till i drop. i draw clear boundaries. i cut my pie in clean straight lines. no crumbs, no leftovers, no lingering pieces for the crows to pick. if i eat my rice, i make sure my bowl is spotless. if i tidy up my table, i make sure my books in the bookshelf are arranged by height. if i sit and watch tv, my occupation becomes "couch potato". i am a very determined guy. i am a very one tracked guy. some people like it, some people don't. my men back in 3 sir always says i am too straight. ought to cut some slack. ended up undermining my partners laid back attitudes, made him look bad. sigh. and now, its back again, undermining my relationships now. there was one night the first time i studied with alex. i told him not to talk to me until we finished studying. he thought i was cutting him off. you know alex, that guy has to talk to keep alive. back then, if you talk, i make sure your notes get stuffed through your mouth and into your brain. but his curt complain about it made me realise how with my own behaviour, i am denying other people's freedom. i am denying their entry. now, i am TRYING to multitask, ie, read and entertain people's comments at the same time. i stress the TRYING. leopards dun change his spots, at least overnight. if anyone of you see me studying, please drop by to say hi. but if you stay for more than 10 minutes, i am going to have to ask you to leave. now. immediately. haha!!! yes current and future study mates, i am trying.
miss the good old days, when studying was your sole occupation, your life, your death. all day, all night, you are just thinking about how much you will score for the test tomorrow. 99? or 98? and a half? sigh. now, in uni, you have so much more to think about. studies, people, girls, hair style, fashion, sex (for this, its purely just thought), food, money, future, cv, jobs, ecas, competitors, politics, blah blah blah. i just want to study, but i cant do it anymore, i am not in secondary school. i am in university. and university means id better the take the pressure. or take the next exit out.
thinking. thinking. gone.
lesson of the day: skip lessons you know you are not going to enjoy anyway. time can be well spent doing essays.