when i scanned through alvin's and weiyang's essays before handing mine up, i felt that they probably put in a lot of effort judging by their bibliography. assuming that they aren't compulsive liars, which i know they aren't, it looked impressive. alvin took the time to stylize his fonts, while weiyang added in colour. yes, yes, i know its tiny petty details, but remember i come from raffles, where everyone is paranoid of each other's grades. haha!!! nono. it really is just a reflect of the extent of human potential and willingness to take the effort. puts mine in perspective.

i always remember when po qin and benedict teased me about how much time i spent in the photocopying shop just furiously and mindless photostating away. the shop auntie knew me by my name. but in the end, i never read them and just chucked them aside, simply because i ran out of time, missed the deadline and was just writing out the actual essay at 1 am in the morning. talk about foolish youth.

back to the point. i mean i understand human capacity is unlimited. i understand human determination is strong. i understand the need to be smart and do the right things right. what i still can't get, and still can't do, is to have and do all three of them simultaneously. haha!
then i realise my human capacity limited, my determination short, and my intellect lacking. hm. i need to work on myself more.

i really, really, really hate it when a friend loses another friend, especially if he or she is a close friend. its a damn pity. makes a mockery out of relationships. makes a fool out of human emotions. makes a sight out of one's willingness to sacrifice his own time for the other. its stupid and undeserving. i will say a prayer just for you alvin, and hope you will find her soon. if not, there's always you, me and a playboy magazine. haha!!!

when i look at alvin, i always feel a sense of admiration for that guy. smart, witty, entertaining, artistic, devoted. and brave. just sometimes, i dun understand when he is serious, and when he is joking, cos most of the time, he is always joking and making everyone laugh at his antics. he deserves better.

but at the same time, its precisely because of friends like alvin, and zx, that through their own journeys of emotional ups and downs, that always scares me. scares me out of asking, frightens me out of believing that i and her will ever have a happy ever after. emotions are unpredictable and fleeting. one day i may feel a profound sense of affection, the next a bland sort of aftertaste. believe in myself? i do. i am confident, just not handsome. i am capable, just not funny. i am good husband quality, just not good boyfriend quality. i just still can't bring myself to believe that there can be any ever after.

another friend though, has given me some food for thought though, in the capacity for human emotions and how it can drive one nuts into action. it really drives me nuts that i am afraid also, that i get swept away in irrationality and in unrealistic fantasies. i want ever after. i just dun believe it will come and get me.