woah... this is like 3 or 4 days since i actually came online? hm. so many things can happen in 4 days.

i din go for db training yesterday (*gasp*). yes yes, i know that reaction. i was coughing quite badly. i was really quite prepared to go, but i decided not to, cos i really wanted to have a good sleep. (havent gone away yet though. but i AM going for training tomorrow!) but the big boo-boo was that i din inform anyone about it. PQ called me after training to ask. he told me tony called me irresponsible (*gasp*gasp*). the horror! o! the horror! it struck me straight into the heart. and only then i realised how negligent and indeed irresponsible i had been.
i had not felt to shocked for a long time, not at least since the time salihin called me selfish. never had i thought i could have faltered so unconsciously. if there is any values i prized, they are being responsible and considerate (there's a difference between considerate and sensitive, fyi). i just feel dazed and worried for the state of my mind, and my morals and the vigilance in safeguarding them. this is what happens when you are constantly think of that somebody, and always wishing to be close to that someone dear. it just makes everything seem so insignificant, so inconsequential. but somehow it seems wrong that love should cloud everything else. yet it seems most genuine.

gm thinks i am onto that clown. haha!!! what a thought. i guess that's the thought of a desperate man who wants to be loved. he thinks everyone who speaks well of him MUST be in love with him. its okay dear boy. i understand. have been there once before. haha!!! i am sure tt will accept you. then you will heck care the world and only have her in your heart and your mind.

eileen initiated to study with me. like finally, girl. everytime call her, she's always either rovers or church or netball or friends or somewhere else. but we din get to study much. ended up chatting with her. then had to scoot off somewhere. she left before i came back and was so nice to pack my bag. and not before leaving me an invitation to her church. din realise she put it in my file until i got home. that's sweet, and caring. but i can't go and give the Lord an official chance yet. i have things to settle before i may allow myself in my presence, if he still wants me.
thanks anyway, dear girl.

alex, ah alex. he's going to have things to say to me again, if i say anything bad about him. he's always whining about work and how he lost that 2 percent in the psychology test because he misread the question by so little much. and that anger i witnessed was quite scary cos for the first time, i saw in his eyes how much anger and violence he is capable off. but i rather him blow off the steam than keep it in the heart and ferment and just go crazy, like how i myself operate. i want to be there whenever he is low, just as he has been a good friend and has been there whenever i need someone to talk to. thanks buddy, you dunno how much your being means to my sanity. haha!!!

okie, i really have to go and do my USP paper 2 essay. still pissed about it. i am sooooo going to fail. oh yeah, and one more, its regarding jason from db now. he asked me what was my lowest grades and i said b- and he's like happy cos he got a better grade than b-. hmm.. glad to be of service as a stepping stone. nono.. please, i am dying for any of you to use me as your sex toy if only to grant you any form of academic orgasm. sigh. haha!! nono, kiddin jason. not angry at you. its human nature. i do that all the time. haha!!! it sucks being at the bottom. it just justifies my stupidity.

but dun worry, i will psycho myself to think i am smart. trust me. i am great at deluding myself.

the sun will come up, tomorrow!