i am feeling very unmotivated. dont want to study. dun want to do work. the thought of monday and tuesday is daunting, the thought is compressing my emotions into a tin can i want to throw out the window. i have gone through this for the last two weeks. this week, it feels the same, only worse. right now. i feel no one can understand my lethargy. i cant understand it myself. i pride myself to be optimistic and resilient. yet, i am languishing in exhaustion from training, in lukewarm water of the humid night, in still motion of aimless drifting. its three weeks to exams. i am frightening myself again. but it has become numb. its an emotion. its a state of mindlessness. i want to remember this feeling. i want to get out of this. i need to get out of this.
"whenever you feel unmotivated to study, remember the times you wished you did. This is your chance. your life. Its finally here." i wrote this into my mobile in early this year, simply because i know its moments like this that will come and subsume my reality. but reading this now, my present state has not only taken over my reality, its has blurred my past, and dimmed my future. i am always so thankful for the people who has been encouraging me all the way, alvin chow kiat, yao, eileen and alex. but they have done all they can. i have come to the stage when i need to depend only on myself. i am trying to find my crutches cos my legs are paralyzed.
archi melvin is such a genius. came for training again today. was so surprised. i commented that i found it strange to see him during two trainings in a row. not used to his frequent presence. haha!!! but am glad he came down. he's so funny always talking about how packed his life is juggling architecture, usp and db. he always puts my own life in perspective. he gives me a reason not to complain and just do it. however, somehow i suspect he's one of those geniuses from my school. just simply intelligent, and smart, and witty, and capable. the guy who gets the grades whether he studies or not. i am not suggesting he does not study, cos he works damn hard. i am just saying he's a genius.
i dun need more time. i need a brain. and lots of luck. and god. no, wait. i do need more time. was glad melvin told me i should not give up on usp. cos its not much difference, just more work, more fun, more interesting. its one of those i messages that somehow perks me up when reality is getting me down. in the end whether or not i quit usp, will ultimately boil down to my grades at the end of this sem, and a reassessment of my capacities in the context of reality.
PQ is getting irritating. he and alex have this thing against me. sigh. i feel so outcasted. i know its for fun, but its irritating. PQ goes "yeah, yeah, you are right" whenever i start speaking (refer to PQ's blog to find out the reasons behind it). its one of those "shut up, you loud mouth trumpet" sort of tactics. PQ, you better stop using it on me, cos i say again, its super irritating. use only sparingly, cos maybe there are time i need to shut up.
like now. cos i have to continue with my essay.
lesson of the day: sometimes blogging really does make you feel better about yourself. but it tires you out after all that emotional vomit.
"whenever you feel unmotivated to study, remember the times you wished you did. This is your chance. your life. Its finally here." i wrote this into my mobile in early this year, simply because i know its moments like this that will come and subsume my reality. but reading this now, my present state has not only taken over my reality, its has blurred my past, and dimmed my future. i am always so thankful for the people who has been encouraging me all the way, alvin chow kiat, yao, eileen and alex. but they have done all they can. i have come to the stage when i need to depend only on myself. i am trying to find my crutches cos my legs are paralyzed.
archi melvin is such a genius. came for training again today. was so surprised. i commented that i found it strange to see him during two trainings in a row. not used to his frequent presence. haha!!! but am glad he came down. he's so funny always talking about how packed his life is juggling architecture, usp and db. he always puts my own life in perspective. he gives me a reason not to complain and just do it. however, somehow i suspect he's one of those geniuses from my school. just simply intelligent, and smart, and witty, and capable. the guy who gets the grades whether he studies or not. i am not suggesting he does not study, cos he works damn hard. i am just saying he's a genius.
i dun need more time. i need a brain. and lots of luck. and god. no, wait. i do need more time. was glad melvin told me i should not give up on usp. cos its not much difference, just more work, more fun, more interesting. its one of those i messages that somehow perks me up when reality is getting me down. in the end whether or not i quit usp, will ultimately boil down to my grades at the end of this sem, and a reassessment of my capacities in the context of reality.
PQ is getting irritating. he and alex have this thing against me. sigh. i feel so outcasted. i know its for fun, but its irritating. PQ goes "yeah, yeah, you are right" whenever i start speaking (refer to PQ's blog to find out the reasons behind it). its one of those "shut up, you loud mouth trumpet" sort of tactics. PQ, you better stop using it on me, cos i say again, its super irritating. use only sparingly, cos maybe there are time i need to shut up.
like now. cos i have to continue with my essay.
lesson of the day: sometimes blogging really does make you feel better about yourself. but it tires you out after all that emotional vomit.