i am in limbo. strung up in suspended animation. got passed the second psychology test. studied really really hard. drew a lot of mind maps. just hope i do better this time round.
so now, its like, i am exhausted from the quiz, and the prospect of the second Political
Science essay looms threateningly in front of my eyes. i need at least week to do a research essay that requires 1 month. i only have 2 days. i am desperate. really. i gave today's water training a pass. my mates are all rowing the boat, or caught in the rush hour traffic, as i type this entry.
really desperate.
anyway, my leg is getting better. i think. i am walking on my entire foot now. but i still experience pain with every step, and i am still limping. the first few steps always feel fine. but after a while... the pain gets more and more intense. and my limp gets more and more obvious. it seems like, everytime i step off my left foot, i feel a cracking sensation. like my bones have fractured and are clicking against each other. the even more eerie thing is, it feels as if my foot is in two parts, exerting pressure off the ground and off each other in syncopation.
i need to rest. dun want to go and row and boat in case i aggravate it.
so, my sister, who is year 1 in Building and Real Estate, NUS, is flying off to Acheh tomorrow on a humanitarian mission with Youth Challenge. i wish her bon voyage and safe journey. she and her adventurous spirit taking her off to some far away land to help the poor and the needy. she will be back in 1 week, full of worldly experience, and renewed energy.
i wish i could do that. she reminds me of this guy called Ben whom i befriended at PGP. He is an american born Vietnamese. we chatted abit, and my impression of him, is that of super carefree, ultra laidback dude from some beach place. san francisco? los angelas? anyway. so one day we were talking and i was telling him how stressful life here is, and how i wish i could go overseas and study. how i could just abandon all my obligations and responsibilities and just fly to some distant land. and he response was, "so do it!" .......... *blank look* yeah. and where do i get the money? and how can i really abandon everything? sure i will leave my problems, but that will only create more problems. i cant just throw everything down and walk out. or can i?
i told you that i have been wearing a cap right? wenya and jul were telling me that i look better without it. Do I??? i was kinda shocked and surprised actually. a little flattered. but a bit cynical. you know i have never been confident of my appearance, much less my hair. and yet, i have two female friends that say i look better without the cap. haha!!! and just as when i wanted to buy a second cap. they have taken the meaning of caps away from me!!!! sob.... haha!!! but thats fine. they gave me alittle boost in my self esteem though. now, if only
all the girls would start telling me that. hahahahahaha!!!! the thought's kinda exciting.
i wont wear it, but i will keep it by my side. i find it helpful when i see some people i want to avoid eye contact with. or when i am doing my work along the law corridor, and the cap acts as a visor, blocking my field of vision, and channelling my concentration onto my work. the only bad thing, is that the cap flattens my hair, making me look hideous. -- oh dear, a girl wearing a japanese school girl outfit, just walked passed... you know, the sailor cut, short skirt, high boots combo... damn. din see properly!!!! sorry, its another of those things that turns me on. like paper (see previous entry) -- anyway, as i was saying, besides flattening my hair, it makes my hair itch. which is super irritating.
however, i guess, the cap is what someone called it my "mask". i was a bit taken aback really. cos, the term struck me, simply because its true, to a large degree. why do people pay so much attention to their appearance? so that they can look like someone they want to portray. a facade. clothes by themselves constitute an identity. for some its a social identity. like branded clothes says i am rich. or i have good fashion taste. for some its a psychological identity. to boost confidence, knowing that i look "good". for some, they just want to attract/excite/shock members of the opposite sex. or some (you know how you are) attract members of the same sex. haha!!! anyway. what does the cap mean to me? what does it represent? its exactly what i mentioned, a mask. i have no wish to expose myself to the world, that i am rich (which i am not) or that i am good looking (which i definitely am not), or whatever. being the introverted person that i am, its my wish to just say, in somewhat more subtle ways, that i wish for some solitude.
just as Timothy Choy is very conscious of girls laughing at him. i am just conscious of people looking at me. its definitely not because i am handsome or rich or popular or attractive. not that i am really bothered by it anway. i just dun like people staring at me. like as if i committed some crime, committed some sin. maybe i have. perhaps i have. i feel as if they know something i dun, and that they are looking through me. haha!! perhaps i have some guilty complex.... i know its kind of immature, like babies in the preoperational stage (more psychology concepts), its called "object impermanance". if i do not see it, it does not exist. its like the proverbial ostrich head in the sand. i try to hide. i try not to look. if i dun look, they do not exist. the people whose stare feel as if they pierce through me.
i sound like an escapist. perhaps i am. but the good thing is that, there really isn't any particularly problem i am running away from. i just dun like being stared at. but when my friends say i look better without the cap, and they rather me not wear the cap. i find myself in a sort of a little dilemma. to wear or not to wear? haha!!!
suddenly, i feel himbotic. here i go rambling about caps, and looks.
but i am always glad when i meet friends. not the hi-bye sort. rather, the sort who are willing to stop and chat. and the sort i am willing to stop for and chat with. and thank god for affirmative supportive friends. the sort who will help you buy lunch when you cannot walk. the sort who tells you there is a test when you come in late. the sort who will lend you notes when you skip class. the sort who will invite you for lunch anyway despite you turning them down again and again. the sort who will remember that you exist. the sort who will tell you problems. the sort who will listen to your problems. the sort who gives without condition, and ask nothing but company in return. the sort who runs with you, the sort who tells you not to give up, the sort who tells you that you can do more. the sort who waits for you. the sort who understands when to approach and when to back down, when to hold on and when to let go. the sort who are selfless enough to give it up, but selfish enough not to give
you up. the sort who will share. the sort who does not get offended easily. the sort who is patient. the sort who expresses anger, but does not get angry. the sort who appreciates the simple pleasures. the sort who does not ask too much of you. the sort who buys you a drink. the sort who is genuine. the sort who is faithful. the sort who is true.
i think those were random thoughts, each representing a friend who has left me a deep impression. and each also representing friends i still hope to meet in the future. for me, i hope that i can one of these sort of friend to someone else.
