it is 0315 in the morning. it is way way past my expected bed time. but i have an uncontrollable urge to blog. cos i have to, lest i explode. there have been soo many things happening. so lets take it long, and slow.
first thing: key.
there had been a terrible incident with the key/transponder to my hostel room, my beloved, comfortable sleep house. on sunday night, alex, gm and i were in school. as usual, i was pia-ing my essay on night before the deadline. at 0100, gm went for supper with another friend, leaving alex and me. at 0200, alex and i left school and headed back to my "house". btw, alex was going to stay overnight. so when we reached back, standing in front of my door, to my panic and horror, my key was missing!!! i was quite calm actually, although beneath the cool veneer, i was panicking like a mother who lost her child in a market. leaving my bag with alex, i proceeded to walk all the way back to arts to search for my key. my attitude towards lost things, is one of fatalism: if its not there, its not there. if its lost, its lost. of course, i will have to first put in the effort to find it. thus explaining my not wanting to pull my hair out and run like headless chicken. but at 230 in the morning, and after finally working on my essay since 10 that morning, i was SUPER shack. if i remember correctly, while i was heading back, there were moments i felt myself walking towards the side, as if falling down. my head was literally swimming in drowsiness. searched the law corridor. went to the guard room, went to the toilets, went to the locker, went to macdonalds. i went and checked out every place i had visited that day. to no avail. i called gm to ask if he had accidentally taken it. no. i asked alex to check through our bags. no. its gone. missing. and i had no clue or idea how or why or when. i was so tired, i simply collapsed on one of the tables, feeling as though i could just sleep there. the gamut of emotions that i was experiencing was one of extreme exhaustion, frustration, confusion, despair. i could not understand, nor could i explain. all i was asking, was what have i done wrong this time? i really felt i was being punished by God for something. have i sinned that badly? what did i do to deserved this horrendous situation? it did not help that alex (who was kind heartedly helping) was sending messages in attempts to jog my memory, as i knew my mind had long shut down, and refused to think. it was horrible.
the last time i had a similar experience like that, was in a chalet. for no reason (acutally there was a reason, but i shant tell), i found myself walking along aimlessly on the beach at sentosa. it was also very late at night, i was also very tired, i was also very frustrated. but looking at the clear sky that night, i was asking God was everything meant. why i was feeling what i was feeling and you know, that kind of metaphysical identity crisis crap. i remembered falling onto the sand in unexplainable despair. yeah. it was that bad. and on the night when i lost my key, it was a similar feeling. felt like breaking down. felt like just sitting down and cry.
but the motivations for the feeling is not because a simple loss of a key. it was a myriad of reasons. i felt as if my problems had taken an exaggerated size and burden in my heart. (they are not of course, its just that when you are in a situation of exhaustion, and delusion, everything seemed warped). in the end, i managed to pull myself together and head back to pgp to discuss with alex what was to be done.
in the end, we decided to bunk at gm's, and i would report the loss in the morning, with the prospect of paying a 60 dollar fine. when we reached his room (after he came back from supper at 4), gm came out the said, "i think you are going to kill me." he dangled the key in front of my eyes. it was not a moment of joy, nor a moment of explosive anger. the emotion was slow coming, as my grasping the reality of it all was slow coming. without look at gm, or saying a single word, i took the key and walked off. i really do not know what came over me there and then. i felt i a need to scold him, yet i felt an equally compelling need to suppress my words. all i knew was that i wanted to sleep. that was all i could think of. all i wanted.
when i reached my room, i felt really bad for just leaving like that. but i guess it would be even worse if i did shoot my mouth off. i could have said things i would regret and create a potentially embarassing situation. on hindsight, i must thank alex for being very patient with me that night when i came back. i think i was a wreck. all weak, and sapped. it was he would made the arrangements with gm. and he was there to comfort me when i was feeling all low. so yeah, to alex, thanks.
but before i become too profuse with thanking alex darling. the next night, he was to be the culprit of the same situation! you see, i had lessons earlier tha him. so (miraculously) i managed to wake up to go for my 8 am lecture, leaving the key with him to lock up, to be passed when we meet in school. after studying, we parted and what do you know, he totally forget to pass me the key, and i totally forget to get it back from him. it was not until he was on the bus back home, and i was just outside pgp, when it struck me. sianz.......
so in the end, i called him, and he agreed to take a u-turn back, and spend the night at my place again!!! for you information, it is never entirely comfortable to have guest in the room. either i have to sleep on the floor, or we have to share the bed. either way, it means less sleep that i originally intend. you all know how particular i am with sleep. so, yeah. thanks alex. sigh. but then again, its partly my fault too.
yeah. and so that conclude the Saga of the Key.
and it s 430 in the morning. the latest so far. i have still alot of things i wanted to share. but another day perhaps...
first thing: key.
there had been a terrible incident with the key/transponder to my hostel room, my beloved, comfortable sleep house. on sunday night, alex, gm and i were in school. as usual, i was pia-ing my essay on night before the deadline. at 0100, gm went for supper with another friend, leaving alex and me. at 0200, alex and i left school and headed back to my "house". btw, alex was going to stay overnight. so when we reached back, standing in front of my door, to my panic and horror, my key was missing!!! i was quite calm actually, although beneath the cool veneer, i was panicking like a mother who lost her child in a market. leaving my bag with alex, i proceeded to walk all the way back to arts to search for my key. my attitude towards lost things, is one of fatalism: if its not there, its not there. if its lost, its lost. of course, i will have to first put in the effort to find it. thus explaining my not wanting to pull my hair out and run like headless chicken. but at 230 in the morning, and after finally working on my essay since 10 that morning, i was SUPER shack. if i remember correctly, while i was heading back, there were moments i felt myself walking towards the side, as if falling down. my head was literally swimming in drowsiness. searched the law corridor. went to the guard room, went to the toilets, went to the locker, went to macdonalds. i went and checked out every place i had visited that day. to no avail. i called gm to ask if he had accidentally taken it. no. i asked alex to check through our bags. no. its gone. missing. and i had no clue or idea how or why or when. i was so tired, i simply collapsed on one of the tables, feeling as though i could just sleep there. the gamut of emotions that i was experiencing was one of extreme exhaustion, frustration, confusion, despair. i could not understand, nor could i explain. all i was asking, was what have i done wrong this time? i really felt i was being punished by God for something. have i sinned that badly? what did i do to deserved this horrendous situation? it did not help that alex (who was kind heartedly helping) was sending messages in attempts to jog my memory, as i knew my mind had long shut down, and refused to think. it was horrible.
the last time i had a similar experience like that, was in a chalet. for no reason (acutally there was a reason, but i shant tell), i found myself walking along aimlessly on the beach at sentosa. it was also very late at night, i was also very tired, i was also very frustrated. but looking at the clear sky that night, i was asking God was everything meant. why i was feeling what i was feeling and you know, that kind of metaphysical identity crisis crap. i remembered falling onto the sand in unexplainable despair. yeah. it was that bad. and on the night when i lost my key, it was a similar feeling. felt like breaking down. felt like just sitting down and cry.
but the motivations for the feeling is not because a simple loss of a key. it was a myriad of reasons. i felt as if my problems had taken an exaggerated size and burden in my heart. (they are not of course, its just that when you are in a situation of exhaustion, and delusion, everything seemed warped). in the end, i managed to pull myself together and head back to pgp to discuss with alex what was to be done.
in the end, we decided to bunk at gm's, and i would report the loss in the morning, with the prospect of paying a 60 dollar fine. when we reached his room (after he came back from supper at 4), gm came out the said, "i think you are going to kill me." he dangled the key in front of my eyes. it was not a moment of joy, nor a moment of explosive anger. the emotion was slow coming, as my grasping the reality of it all was slow coming. without look at gm, or saying a single word, i took the key and walked off. i really do not know what came over me there and then. i felt i a need to scold him, yet i felt an equally compelling need to suppress my words. all i knew was that i wanted to sleep. that was all i could think of. all i wanted.
when i reached my room, i felt really bad for just leaving like that. but i guess it would be even worse if i did shoot my mouth off. i could have said things i would regret and create a potentially embarassing situation. on hindsight, i must thank alex for being very patient with me that night when i came back. i think i was a wreck. all weak, and sapped. it was he would made the arrangements with gm. and he was there to comfort me when i was feeling all low. so yeah, to alex, thanks.
but before i become too profuse with thanking alex darling. the next night, he was to be the culprit of the same situation! you see, i had lessons earlier tha him. so (miraculously) i managed to wake up to go for my 8 am lecture, leaving the key with him to lock up, to be passed when we meet in school. after studying, we parted and what do you know, he totally forget to pass me the key, and i totally forget to get it back from him. it was not until he was on the bus back home, and i was just outside pgp, when it struck me. sianz.......
so in the end, i called him, and he agreed to take a u-turn back, and spend the night at my place again!!! for you information, it is never entirely comfortable to have guest in the room. either i have to sleep on the floor, or we have to share the bed. either way, it means less sleep that i originally intend. you all know how particular i am with sleep. so, yeah. thanks alex. sigh. but then again, its partly my fault too.
yeah. and so that conclude the Saga of the Key.
and it s 430 in the morning. the latest so far. i have still alot of things i wanted to share. but another day perhaps...