what is wrong with me? i can never be able to string a coherent sentence together. just finshed psychology tutorial. feeling drained, feeling sad.

i was asked to give an explaination for something because it was my idea. i fumbled. and jumbled. and tumbled. my words that is. personally for me, it was a horrifying experience. i shut my eyes in an attempt to hear my brain speak. yet, i stuttered and totally embarrassed myself. and preceding that, i gave a wrong answer when i was called out to speak. sigh. i honestly thought of the answer myself. i thought it was original. but it came out wrong.

the tutorial was another blow to my self confidence. just when i thought i did fairly well for the psychology test. somehow, i rationalise that i am just book smart, but not life smart. i cannot think out a good answer, i cannot express a thought in a smooth manner.... it was depressing.

i felt so embarassed. because three - quarters of the class were filled with girls. worse, there were people who know me by face. i was striking am impression, a very bad impression.
its so sad. i wonder what are their thoughts when they see me, "oh its that weird guy who cant speak properly."

i guess i am feeling this more acutely than previous similar occurences is because i was chatting with some friends, and we were talking about superficiality. i thought that image was very important. oh course, a line must be drawn between image and supericiality. apparently my friend's church friend uses the words like "you are my best buddy in the whole wide world" and "you are the only person i can ever depend on" quite flippantly. yes, it would make the other person feel comforted and happy and important. but then when it comes to the cruch, what will the likely effect be? i dont know. i dont want to know. i don't want to be the recipient of such words only to find that people like this forget about you at the drop of a hat. they may not be words of eternal love, but they have meaning, deep, profound, important meaning. dun use them too lightly.

but i digress. my point is, superficial people may be, image is still important, not only how you look, how you dress, but more importantly how you behave. what you speak, how you speak.
i lack in all of the above areas. i like to think myself as the wild, uncultured, unencumbered Tarzan of the urban jungle. without the loin cloth of course. then again, i aint that bad with the loin cloth, right?

so at the end of the day, with another poke at my image bubble. i feel busted. need to start buying hair gel now... and revert to practise talking and conversing in front of the mirror. yeah..


love the wall paper? i know its a little black and a little red. but for the un-anime-d (i.e. those who do not watch anime), the cartoon character is uchiha itachi, the brother of uchiha sasuke (who has become my wallpaper btw). this is from the popular cartoon series naruto, of which i has been my only form of entertainment. itachi is the murderer of his own family clan, and is the target of sasuke's vengence. itachi's really mysterious, and really powerful. someone i would like to be more of. haha!!!

okay. i need to go and practise in front of the mirror now.