oh no. oh no. the dreaded day is coming. RECALL!!!! briefing. shit. sucks. what better way to end the year than a reminder of your ns life now that you are a civilian. i guess the army has a neat way of saying "singapore owns you." yup. these past few days of lethargy and dread can be attributed to the looming prospect of going back into the jungle, or last minute movements and nonsensical barking. oh... how... i... miss... those... days... *grit teeth and smile*

anyway, thanks for everyone's concern about my last two entries. sure i had a not-that-great christmas. but that has come and gone like the snow in june. i am fine. no prob. life goes on. i am aspiring to be an optimist like pq. and boy its damn hard trying to happy all the time.

im sorry girls, but i am going to be a little kinky now. i keep thinking of getting some mesh underwear. yes. mesh underwear. somehow the idea thrills me. okie. stop. the word "thrill" is not so appropriate. erm. "appeals" yup. the idea "appeals" to me. i just keep wonder how does it feel to have some soft net covering your human essentials. no. dun read this like i am some sort of pervert. okie. i am a bit perverse i realise with all this banter. but its not like i am going to start moaning in between orgasmic breaths wearing the underwear or something. its just that if nice clothes can make a person feel more comfortable and confident with oneself, what more the underwear? i mean look, the lingerie industry is just busting, oops, i mean bursting, with all sorts of undergarments, in both the male and female underwear. im sure these new innovative clothings do provide some sort of additional pleasure and confort to the wearer right? i am just curious. i dun want to wear torn and tattered white underwear anymore, the sort that little boys, whose parents cant be bothered to buy swimming trunks, wear when they go to the beach. i think i have grown up and i deserve better underwear! my lower body, and what more my most precious body part requires as much pampering as say my charming beautiful face (yes, i cleanse tone and moisturise) or my soft luscious hair (and yes, i apply conditioner whenever i bathe). [i have every right to be as secretly metrosexual aka himbo as i want to be.] haha!!! i think i am getting out of hand. i am just wondering what if feels to wear the different kinds of underwear available in the market. my guess is that many of you people out there are like closet g-string wearers or some inconspicous agents of some special kinds of bra. so how does it feel? any better than say grandma's panties? haha!!! before anyone goes out and get me some mimosa leaf or flower petal to pass off as some indecent loin cloth, let me declare that i dun want them, cos when my mom finds out, i am sure she will demand that i wear it and parade myself in front of her. so no. please. i beg of you. haha!!! i need comic relief. i am my own comedy.

sem 2. 3 months and 3 weeks before another bout of exam fever. when my friend told me that. i was stunned. oh dear. i gotta stock up on the vitamin pills. and i need to exercise more.

happy boxing day everybody! remember always to think out of the box-ing ring me on the handphone. good night!

see, this is the second blog in the span of one day. it can mean two things. so many things worth mentioning happened that warrants this entry; or i really really really have no life. well, i slept the whole day. the answers quite obvious then.

yes. weird. i acutally slept the entire afternoon away. this was because bad luck smacked my face again earlier in the day. i logged on to the bbdc (bukit batok driving centre) website to change the dates of my driving revision lessons. to my horror. i discovered they disappeared. the records did not reflect the fact i had already booked the lessons. they simply vanished. all FOUR lessons. i was shocked. i remained calm. i closed the browser and started again, hoping its the fault of my computer. but once reloaded it reflected emptiness. omg.... then i checked the account balance... 200 dollars.... but i put in 500!!! that meant the money for the four lessons had been paid for, but the booking statement clearly states that i had not booked any lesson at all.... 4 times 70 dollars.... amounts to 280 dollars.... gone.... the worse part was because i did the booking transactions on my computer... i did not print out the receipt which could only be done at the driving centre.... xian ji pua.... i have to call the centre tomorrow, or more troublesome, travel personally there to find out what happened. but as i ran through the possible scenario, i realise i have nothing to prove my claim... just some writings on my whiteboard which tell me that i have booked lessons on the 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th of january in the morning. no hard evidence, will they believe me???

fed up, depressed, lethargic....

was going to go out to gym today... yes gym... cos i had no one to go out with. or at least, i made no such plans. i wanted to gym. but when the above accident struck me, i just laid on my bed, engulfed with all sorts of worries and frustration. outside my room, i kept hearing my father, mother and sister talking about finding a few days to travel to malaysia. i dun know why, that just added to my irritation. my sister went out. my dad went to work. my mom kept saying she wanted to go watch the phantom of the opera. i was simply swimming drowsily in my head and fell asleep.

what a merry christmas.

well, at least i dun have to worry about changing my lesson dates. since the lessons dun even exist.

realise i dun blog as much anymore. that's cos i dun come online as much. that's because i have a life. a real actual living life. haha!!! but here i am. so it means i must be really bored.

anyway. its christmas day. i wish for world peace. and a billion dollars so i can buy "singapore" in dubai's "the world." in case all you lazy people out there who do not keep up with current affairs (actually i read about it by accident) dubai is constructing private islands that collectively look like the countries of the globe. there's america, australia and all. but these are small islands to be sold only to the richest and most powerful of the human race. the advertisement run: "private boat? check. private plane? check? private island? check." its crazy. i wish i was that rich. yeah and so if i can afford to buy "singapore" if there is one made, i will then be prime minister of "singapore." ha! eat that harry. and your screwed up education system!

oops. sorry. tis christmas. forgive and forget k? lets all be nice. world peace.

so the hottest question for the last few days was: "so how are you spending your christmas eve?" its the foremost question for the desperate and the lonely. well, last year's was a bummer. if i can remember correctly, i spent it on jurong island guarding, and maintaining the security at its highest level. nothing happened right? everybody had a safe christmas last year right? its because of us! the sad men in green who sacrifice their time away from their love ones to keep them safe from the evils of terrorism.

anyway, upon reentering the civil society, the question has caused quite a bit of concern. we realised that among the db juniors, all except ah fu and james are attached. and that has dawn upon some light on how sad and lonely us guys are, with no girl to hug and hold. we all know what our perfect christmas eve should be. a walk hand in hand along the beach listening to the sound of the waves, wrapping your arm around her waist and having her in your embrace, then heading to the bar and sip some wine and bask in her ambience. just the two of you, in romance. and then end of the night with some hot passionate sex. oops. i mean kiss. kiss. one hot passionate kiss. yes. thats nice. sex. no! i mean kiss.

all my friends have such nice christmas days. pq went to jalan jalan with his family, ben is in shanghai, jw is in hk, zx probably went for midnight mass, gm had a party (?!), alex had his church friends. sigh so what did i do? picked the one whose situation was the most accomdating. i went with alex to watch his friends sing christmas songs. sounds like the above describe situation right? but it was aaallllllllll wrong. haha!!! i was just desperate for company. and anyway, alex was only enthusiatic for me to come along, cos his church people are the evangelical kind. ie. i am a potential target for conversion into god's holy kingdom, and what better time than christmas? it was alright, except for the spending christmas with a guy part. but then again, i was thinking, why be sad simply because i am not attached to a girl. i should be happy that i have friends. friends who are just as unattached, but more than accomodating to have to spend some time with. anyway, so we chatted and we got to know more about each other as we listened to some really joyful people sing cheerful songs that went all out of pitch. but ah well, its christmas! well, it was just a short company and i went home early.

the truth was, i wanted to spend some time alone, at home. you know, do some reflecting on christmas. it was the original plan, until i turned down an invitation to got drinking at a bar. you see, i din not feel like drinking so i turned him down and my friend got pissed at me and ended off his rebuttal with "make it a point not to ask you out next time." i was quite depressed at that point. i was having lunch with my db friends after a sculling session and i showed the message to pq and alex. hiaz. it was such a dampaner for me. i mean, why did my friend had to get all emotional blackmail and stuff, and getting me to feel guilty and all bad on christmas eve. so in the end, although i could not find anyone to spend the night with, alex was kind enough to get me out to the esplanade. i guess he knew i was depressed. so thanks a lot man. think it would have been a really depressing christmas eve night if i din go out.

so i hope everyone had a good and memorable christmas eve.

and so it is christmas day. i woke up, hoping to watch 12 kingdoms and inuyasha which i requested my mother to tape last night. to my horror, they weren't taped!!! when i asked my mother, she realised that instead of hitting the "record" button, she pressed the "play" button. sigh. then she went on and on about how she din know how to operate the vcr (though i taught her before, at least i told her where the "record" button was), and how my dad never taught her (?!!!) and how technology was so advanced and how old she felt... and yeah... you know... stuff. i was kinda irritated, not the fact that she pressed the wrong button, cos i am fine with that for i can always go on the net to read the spoilers, but the fact that my mom was going on and on about what sounded to me like excuses. i am not sad that my mom said such things (cos she's my mom) but really that i realise that i sounded like her. i mean, i realised that at many points in my life, i myself had been making excuses and justifying myself, all in a bid to escape or deflect responsibility. in her behavior with i felt uncalled for, i found something i was ashamed of, something that i myself had done.

yeah. so such are my reflections... the sort of thoughts that i wanted to do last night. but i guess i just have to do it this morning. and so i shall put it down on my christmas list: i wish that i do not make as many excuses in the future than i have done so in the past. and i wish for world peace. and "singapore."

"focus your eyes on me! i said focus your eyes on me! Don't look at other people!"
"i am trying to find the shop."
-- ths couple talking behind me while i was walking through the crowded walkways of suntec

i thought it was very humourous. i was wondering what was going through the guy's mind... "i am trying to find the shop... (actually i am looking at all the other chio bus... chio. yes. no. no. yes. *looks at girlfriend*: no......)" ah well. the thoughts of the normal guy i guess...

after that, i got approached by a young lady from prudential selling policies (again)... filled out the questionaire... then she started the usual interrogation...

girl: where you working? (do i look that old??)
me: i am a student.
girl: oh where?
me: nus.
girl: oh i was from nus too, what fac? (really???)
me: arts.
girl: do you have a bank account? (duh...)
me: yes.
girl: are you working part time? (sounding worried...)
me: no.
girl: how much do you save a month? (sounding desperate...)
me: i dun save.
*stare stare* *expression changes*
*i tried to force a laugh*
girl: can you please help me buy a savings plan? (in girlish plea)
me *laugh again*: no.

all the while she was speaking so professionally until that last part. erm... "help you buy?" you mean help you earn your commission while i have to continually give money away to a company who god knows what do with it? its just funny how people can use all sorts of tactics to get you to buy things... the girlish pleas.. the coy act... flutter eyebrows... pout their lips... simply throwing themselves at you... wait... i make it sound as if its a bad thing. still... its not professional. sale people like her wont even make it through the first interview rounds for the apprentice.

time to tok about gm again. read his blog. was so surprised to see him hugging two not-too-bad looking girls. always thought he was some lonesome despo... guess i was wrong. haha!!! he does have the charm... i just wonder how drunk were the girls when they agreed to take a photo with him. kiddin bro! kiddin... i just wish i could be in your position too... haha!!! hands around a slender hip, caressing her curvy contours, smelling her fragrant hair, my manly chest barely brushing her feminine bossom... okay. stop stop! too much fantasizing liao....

help. lifes to interesting for me to handle.

like finally, blogging.

yesterday, went to benedict quah's aunt's house. fyi, ben is one of my dearest friend from rjc, together with pq, jw, michelle, liza, val, and many others. ben just happens to be the most popular due to his wierd, autocratic and deeply humourous-in-a-negative-way ways. but he's prob our most favourite person we would hate to love. haha! anyway, my subject is not on wonderful, great, supreme, intelligent, comedic, chief-of-justice-to-be, and prime-minister-to-be.

the topic is on his aunt's house situated in an area called old holland road, ie, bukit timah. well, the part of bukit timah near all the famous districts 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and what-nots. in short, his relatives are incredibly filthily, disgustingly, obscenely, horrendously, atrociously and irritatingly rich. the first thing ben set out to do was to give us a guided tour round the house. its so big, his mom, who was there as well with his grandmama, was like, "ben, start from the outside, start from the outside..." well, imagine the vastness, and grandeur of the estate that warrants a structured and guided tour... "so this is the hall..." (wow, the hall is as big as my house) "then this is the kitchen" (wow, the kitchen is also as big as my house) "then this is the in-built swimming pool" (wow, the pool is bigger than my house) ... you get the picture right? if thats not enought. the estate is three stories high, with a basement, 8 ponds, a cascading waterfall at the edge of the swimming pool, 4 bed rooms, a masterbed room, 3 study rooms, a table tennis room, a pool room, 7 toilets (or more), 2 or 3 kitchens, the maids quaters. there was even a separate bathroom for the swimming pool. "oh, my other aunt and uncle were the architects for this house... open concept... their own house? hm.. also they design one... but a bit smaller..." a bit smaller? i found my concepts of size was ultimately turn topsy turvy when ben was going "oh this house is not big... the neighbours house is bigger..." i felt i myself was a speck of dirt that did not belong is such majestic place. dun mistaken me. i love the house. its huge, its lovely, is great. i just hate the fact that its not mine.

benedict was so kind and accurate to point out all the tiny details for us, from where a wall mosaic came from (bali, brought in in square pieces, and very expensive) to where the koi from the ponds came from (oh, each are like 500 dollars and there were like probably at least 30 of them). anyway, what other interesting facts are there to point? hmm, the pool needs to be cleaned once in two days by professionals, the lights are all light bulbs (not florescent) , there has got to be at least a hundred windows, the german shepard is very young but it can bite your head off, there's a jacuzzi in the son's bed room.

but i thought the most humourous example of extreme wealth was when we were going home, ben was discussing with his mom, "so which car should we drive back? car number 1 or car number 2? or our own car?" jw, pq and i were so amused. then i and pq were humouring, "oh next time, i will go, 'hm, should my chaffeur take car number 1 or car number 50?'" then pq joked back, "oh i will go, 'hm, should, my chaffeur number 1 take car number 3 or should my chaffuer number 2 take car number 50?'" haha!! it was pretty funny. and in a way pretty depressing.

it was a pretty fun day. ben and pq went swimming, and jw was lying on the deck chairs like some rich tai-tai reading 8 days. (i am going to be embarrassing people here all for the fun of it.) PQ was desperately trying to get on this float-bed but no matter how many times he tried to get on, he always flopped back into the water like a crocodile, displaying his great hydrodynamics, or the lack there-of. ben was hm, "frolicking" in the water. like a big ape in a ballerina frock trying to dance. haha!! okay, i should stop. i am very grateful for the invitation from ben. very honoured. oh i almost forgot. there was a short period of time when ben and pq got cosy in the jacuzzi i mentioned above. mind you, the jacuzzi was large and comfortable for 1 person, but for 2. it was, erm, er, quite, hm. should i say "romantic"? haha!!! well, jw and i were playing pool downstairs for 20 minutes, and we were wondering what the two guys were doing upstairs, squeezing two almost naked bodies, save for their tight swimming trunks, in a nice tub of warm water.... hm.. suspicion, suspicion. i will stop here. i claim i am not insinuating anything. on purpose at least. all of the above information i reckon to be true thoughts at each point of time. so pq, dun sue me. nor you ben. jw, i hope you enjoyed this entry.

at the end of the day, at least for me. it was a lesson of how the upper crust of society seem to be living, judging by their abode. and i made up my mind, i will not stay in such a house. its too big, too expensive and the maintenance is too hight. i like the simple life, and prefer to keep my millions in the banks, or at least in investments, and stay in a small nice flat or condominium that's close to shopping centres and other convenient ammenities.

went to send the guys off for their expedition at the airport. met up with benny, yao and shiying. so nice to see benny alive. apparently he's with this new girl, shumei. haha!! she's quite pretty. wish i could get someone like her. so another bachelor bites the dust... leaving poor souls like me eating it.

shiying looks like she's slimmed down. would have liked to talked to her more, but her bf and father was around. she's quite a pretty girl. maybe? maybe not? haha! she's attached. and she's smart. and she has the memory of an elephant. now thats scary. she told me she's on a six day week at the start of the sem. and i forgot. "i thought i told you i have a six day week?" stunned. she remembered telling me. i forgot all about it. haha!!! well, its always scary to go out with super smart women. terribly intimidating. and its morally wrong to steal a girl from someone else. a man's code of honour. crap.

oh. one incident to report. was on the sky train from terminal 2 to terminal 1. stalled for at least 20 minutes. the humourous thing was that a lot of people went to the front to peer through the window to see what's happened. the thing was that they stayed staring through the window, when there was absolutely no movement or progress whatsoever. its just funny. then these full grown men started chittering among themselves how sucky the system was, like old bitchy grandmudders. haha!

after that, i went to expo to help alex sell candles for charity. apparently, its for Mercy Relief, a humantitarian organisation that provides financial aid to disaster-stricken countries. its quite a tough job trying to sell the candles, and convince people to donate for charity. people just stare, or walk off, or just wave you away. there were these two girls, as i was walking towards me, they walked away. haha!!! it was quite funny. like there was an invisible force field between us, the prevents us from talking to each other. then there was this other girl, who saw me walking to her. i stopped her. and started the promotion. then i asked "did i scare you just now?" "yes." [silence. laughter. silence] anyway, i managed to sell enough to be proud of myself. haha! it was just six hours. then i imagined my sister who solicited donations EVERYDAY for 3 MONTHS under the hot sun. kudos to her. she's one capable, determined girl.

will help again on friday. till then, i will read up on sales techniques. only wished i was a handsome hunk, who attracts the girls to buy on their own enthusiasm without me uttering a word. hey gm, wanna help? he's the perfect candidate to help. at the same time can get to know more girls.

"Went to meet some of the DB juniors on Friday at Suntec and ate at Fish & Co. Pretty uneventful except that MC and Alex shared a seafood platter for 2 and they behaved like gays in love.....

MC: "erm...you eat first lah...."
Alex: "okay..you eat also lah..."
MC: "you take half of the fish k...."
Alex: "alright...u eat also hor...."

WAH LAN!!!! NOT GAY LAH!!!! hahahaha....."

when i read what gm wrote, i was super amused. haha! din really know i talked like that. now that i read what has been observed of me, yes, i think my behaviour was super gay. haha!!! oh dear. now there are two things to worry about. one is my apparently overly considerate behavior is seen as"gay" and the other, that i seem to have been keenly observed by someone who moans, whines and complains all day and all night about not being attached. i heard before that when men are desperate, they will take anything or rather, anyone. be careful mc, be very careful. well, at least we provided some entertainment. haha!!!

haha!!! no, kidding, gm, im sure he's never thought of going off the beaten track. speaking of whom, i wonder how's he and the rest of the dragon boaters who took part in today's standard chartered marathon. i am really impressed they even decided to take on this challenge. i definitely wont be able to complete the 42 km run without rigorous training beforehand. but then again, gm seem to have finished it alive, so i guess, hey, it cant be that hard.

going to send yao, benny, shiying, shane and shamanta off at the airport tomorrow. they are going to india for YEP (youth expedition programme) for volunteerism. sigh. jiakai the OIC asked me to go, but i couldn't because i was in db and usp. i was too busy to get myself involved. sigh. i was really hoping to join the expedition before the school term started when i first heard of the plan. so many of my friends are going, and yet i am here in singapore. how i wished i could join them and sweat under the sun together all in the name for charity. im sure the memories would be fond and unforgettable. here's to the kind souls and fervent hearts striving together for the brighter future. i wish i had the capacity and the time to be like them. hm. db should organize a volunteer outing.

watched mean girls on vcd rental today at home. quite a nice, teenie movie. its about an innocent girl who unknowingly became a mean girl and realised her mistakes and atoned for her sins. its a meaningful movie about becoming lost in a seductive world and finding oneself back again. if you are not into the whole metaphysical crap, linsay lohan is simply gorgeous. watch it because of her. and the whole "plastics" (a bunch of beautiful, blonde and brunette bitches behaving badly [oh my, alliteration]) is quite funny too. well, the show is definitely better than alexander. then again, watching a trail of ants for 3 hours is better than alexander.

sigh. was having dinner with my mom, who suddenly launched into a profusion of motherly expectations. about how she wants kids, about how she hopes her kids get married, about how disappointed about my brother being "ashamed" of his parents. it was quite funny, cos we were conversing in chinese. then suddenly she asked my how big my penis was. it was hilarious. i was quite stunned. then she complained how my brother and i stripped naked when we had chicken pox so mom could apply calamine lotion on our backs and butt. "but i was in primary 6!" "but your brother was sec 4!" then she started requesting to see how big it was. i was laughing my head off. and vehemently screaming at her and saying no. no. no. then she used her fingers to simulate the length and asked how big again. "this big?" or "this big?" widening her fingers little by little. i got so amused and said "small. its small. its very small." just to end the conversation. (stop. before all your imaginations run wild, i should say its of a considerable size. i think. i never measure!!!)

then suddenly she went all serious and said "dun be angry when i ask you. are you gay?" (i visualise gm nodding hopefully, haha!) i was laughing even harder. i was super amused. cos the other day, i had a male friend over and we locked ourselves in my room poring over my magic cards. "how i know what you two guys are doing in the room?" there was once in the past, my mom asked my sis if she was a lesbian when she invited her girlfriends over and they locked themselves in her room all night. my sister got so angry, she locked herself in the room. she asked me cos "i know you wont get angry." of course i din get angry cos i kept laughing. its amusing cos my mother is consistently worrying, and worrying over nothing. and apparently, i have been in the house for way too long.

then it suddenly dawned on me that my mother has absolutely no idea what lives her children are going through, the stresses, the challenges, the obstacles, the highs and lows of teenagehood and present day adulthood. in her mind, she's any other "mother" of the past, expecting many many grandchildren and living happily in a big house cared for by her filial children, who run successful careers and sustain happy marriages. the thought that my mother carries such ideals is simply scary. its not wrong, but in today's world, its super unrealistic. i must understand that its only natural that my mom thinks so, cos for the past 20 over years, she's been living the life of a regal tai tai, travelling to various tourist destinations around the world and all. the world my mom lives in is very rosy. my dad on the other hand simply toils and toils all day to make money, other than that, he is sleeping at home. he's the typical father who sacrifices everything for the "well-being" and "happiness" of the family members, at the expense of himself, his personality, his life. and all he too asks for, are the same ideals as my mother.

they failed to see that the simple lives they have led in their lifetime has vastly changed today. my parents were uneducated, and they rode the waves of posperity of the post war years to arrive at their middle class status today. and their children on the other hand are dealing with totally different scenarios now. its not all about "diligence" where if you just work hard, you will be rewarded. its about "competition" where at any point of time, you can just be killed and left for dead. its not about work, getting a wife and settle down. its about FINDING a job, FINDING LOVE, and think of ways to scrimp and save just so as to SURVIVE from day to day. its confusing, its frustrating, its difficult. and my parents apparently do not understand. or rather they do not bother to understand. they have lived too comfortably in their years to try to. my mom just complains no one teaches her how to use the computer, and my dad, sigh. never mind. its unfilial of me to speak badly of my parents. i am just frustrated that my parents do not comprehend. and not only do they not understand, they seek to impose unrealistic expectations shaped and formed by their own bucolic lives onto their children who lead not so simple ones.

im tired already. tired from trying to explain to my mom that they should not push their children too hard. that's why many youths commit suicide. i told her that i probably cant sustain myself, how am i not sustain my parents? i told her i will buy her a condo, and she looked pleased. i told her i may not want kids, and she started griping about how she yearns to be a grandmother. somehow its futile. it seems hopeless. i am trapped between pursuing my own roads and the wishes my parents have for me.

i need to get out. get away. yet, i am stuck. i cant fly cos i am rooted.

good morning, singapore! only that the overcast skies are getting me into a melancholy mood. however, i am appreciating the moment, when i am just typing out a blog entry, listening to sun yan zi's album with a cup of oats on the table, just relaxing before i hit the gym to get my adrenaline rush. heh. i wish life was like this forever. okay not forever, too much to ask for. at least until the end of the holidays.

went for a movie and a dinner last night with my dragonboat buddies. went to fish and co with pq, alex, gm, xiangyi and melvin. shared seafood platter for 2 with alex. its a long time since i had that it was simply delicious. acutally finished my shared without feeling bloated like the last time. maybe its was too good. maybe i have a bigger stomach. maybe i was just very very hungry. heh. anyway. had a good dinner. learnt that alex likes to kick children, and at the same time has this whole list of expectations about what his own children must do in their childhood like play certain kinds of sports and all. haha! i imagine alex kicking his own kid if he decides to defy his expectant father. melvin wants his daughter to wear tight mini skirts and play tennis. can i be her coach melvin??? haha!!! the rest dun know if they will ever get the love of their lives and settle down and spawn football fields of children enough to start a team.

me included. i wonder if i will ever get down to starting a family. then again, i have an adverse dislike for crying, screaming, kicking kids with high pitch ear plitting wails. simultaneous, i love quiet children sitting still on chairs and looking at you with his or her huge eyes with wonder and amazement. of course, my children will have tiny eyes like mine, but no matter. such children will always be beautiful to me. oh god, i wonder if wives come in bundles carried by storks as they do children in all those disney cartoons.

anyway, after the dinner we went to watch alexander, joined by stanley and riesal. (warning: spoiler spoiler. then again i want to spoil it so you guys wont watch it) please, please, please i beg of you by the gods of zeus and hera, mercury and aphrodite, do NOT watch the show, do not but the vcd or dvd if you have. its a bad, bad show. terrible, a flop, a disaster. poor story narration, mediocre acting, worst direction ever. the lines are cryptic with winding words and arcaic english imitating uncomprehensible greek. the battle scenes are simply the director shaking his camera spasmodically at men swing knives around while assistants at the side splay ketchup and chilli sauce repeatedly. got such a big headache just trying make out what the heck was happening. the story has absolutely no focus. was the movie about treachery? or about chasing your dreams? or the qualities that make a great general. alexander has been famed as the greatest conqueror ever, but the story seems to be befuddled with repeated scenes of talk about power, women, Philip, conspiracies and all. maybe the movie is simply to reflect alexanders deteriorating mind descending into madness. still, there is no main story line except maybe alexander conquered but died because of his boyfriend. speaking of which, the gay scenes are super mild. seriously. i wonder what was all the hype about. my sister wants desperately to see two guys get together (sounds a little perverse on her part), but they dun. no big story of unrequited love like the titanic, just a side show of homoeroticism, that seems to have grabbed the attention of the movie goers. all you get is two guys declaring affection for each other which always just ends up with a hug. okay, so alexander kissed this body twisting servant for like 1 second. but its not even a kiss of passionate love. its bland. the show i mean. so the girls would love the show for that 1 second glimpse of colin farrell's butt. but, really, theres nothing exciting about that scene either. for the guys, so, there's the one interesting scene after alexander's wedding to an asian dancer, when they (no need to be shy here) had sex (gasp). well, you get to see what PQ the perv lawyer calls "pendulous boobs". the sex scene was like the battle field scenes, a frenetic shaking of the camera that seemed to aim at simply shooting two wriggling bodies that are supposed to be moving and moaning to the rhythm of love making. all you get is a blur of skin and a shadow of alexander climaxing. its devoid of passion. its devoid of cinematography. i mean, the show is bad enough. at least have some decent sex scenes. to please the movie goers at least. all that scene was sucessful at raising was my right eyebrow in the expression that says "uh????" but i must say, angelina jolie is super sultry and absolutely delicious, with that lips and eyes of hers. she plays a poisonous mother. well, she and that accent of hers can poison me anytime man. she's what I call, "one hot momma." in summary, bad battle scenes, bad gay scenes, bad sex scenes, bad story line, one hot woman. but still, a bad movie overall. oh. one more thing, its bad enough that the movies is a flop, two guys on my right had to giggle and laugh at what was supposed to be the saddest scene of all when alexander's lover dies of poison (apparently). well, decent people had to try their best to appreciate the show, but two guys had just to spoil it. haha! kidding PQ, GM. but it was kinda irritating but when they told us the joke, it was really funny (refer to PQ's blog for the humourous reason why they were laughing).

taufik won. yipee. whoever he is. never follow singapore idol. i am my own idol. worship me.

watched bridget jones: the edge of reason with yao at lot one last night. so nice to meet him again. and we finally played some pool. its funny how i was not feeling as excited to play the game as last time. the passion seems to have disappated somewhat. sigh. maybe its because i have been away from the game for too long. haha!!! played quite badly. ah well.

the movie was so-so. interesting sequel. a lot of references back to the first movie. the whole i-am-an-award-winning-journalist re-re-affirmation, the whole big butt in your face and the whole i-finally-have-unlimited-sex thing. haha!!! read ong sor fen's review in the papers. the thing i liked most about the show was rebecca giles. the only beautiful creature in the entire show. (hugh grant for the girls). except, and heres the supposed shocker. she's lesbian. in love with bridget jones. gasp. and they kissed. on screen. gasp gasp. and boy was it hot. haha!!! the next thing i like about bridget jones, is that she is unromantic on the outside yet so full of passion. like me. i can love someone until i choke her to death, but i can't express my emotions in a romantic, poetic, shakespearean way. haha! i am a wooden block with a heart made of cotton candy. but other than that. the shows quite bland, especially the ending. of course, for the girls, there's always hugh grant and *gasp* colin firth. ah well.

that was last night. and just now, as singapore idol was apparently being broadcast, i was watching this korean romance movie on vcd on the computer call IL MARE. its the name of the featured house. its a romance via letter across time between two heart broken lovers who find solace and yes, new found love in each others letters through a magical, time-travelling letter box. the show is beautiful, and at parts really sad. i was kept in suspense, whether or not they will ever be together. and then there are parts that are really heart aching. felt like crying a few times, but the setting is not right. i would have if it was in a cinema with my lover in my arms. haha!! sigh. still, its a great show to watch for the love birds. and apparently, the female lead is the same star for my sassy girl. she tall and boy is she beautiful. no wonder my friends are smittened by her. thanks yao for the recommendation.

ok. thats all for now. my plan for the holidays is really simple, just exercise, read and socialise upon invitation. sounds boring. sounds like what i have been doing for the last sem. oh except the socialising part.

merry christamas.

yeah! finally watched a top grade movie. the incredibles was superb. so worth the money. melvin said its worth watching a second time. and i so agree. its like shrek. worth getting the dvd and savouring every moment of it. although shrek is still my favourite cartoon of all time. incredibles is super action pack. shrek is spendidly witty and intellectual.

i am sad, cos alvin says us ns sergeants are drifting away, distancing from each other. its our fault. i blamed circumstances, but he's right when he said "circumstances are not our means." our actions determine our consequences. sorry yao. sorry alvin. sorry for making the past seem like a distant memory that needs no reminescing. sorry for not recognizing the present as so precious to reaffirm our bonds and ties.

tomorrow is another day then. to see our paths, access our options and determine our futures. carpe diem.

finally started to clear my room. messy. messy. messy. all over the floor. all over the bed. i think i will have to sleep on the couch. haha! its interesting how much notes i have amassed over the course of one sem. its quite scary. realised i never read one-quater of them. so why did i even bother? oh right. the security i derive from the knowledge that i have notes. stupid.

went out with my mom to go window shopping, my mom's favourite livlihood. was hoping to sponge off my mom actually. but in that 5 hours of walking, my mom was the only one buying things. even though she agreed to pay for me, she set limits: the shirts of my choice must be below 20 dollars. i mean like, erm... the nice shirts are all above 30 dollars. hell, even the ugly ones were above 30... i just walked around in continual dismal. i wanted to buy a cap from nike.. but my mom refused. saying we have so many caps at home. yes mom, all the ones that publicise the SAF. no way i am going to be caught dead wearing them. ah. that's why i prefer shopping alone. no one to critcise or stop me from buying stuff.

wanted to play pool with ZX last night. but he had a rehearsal for his church for christmas. said he was tired. the poor chap. giving his life so much for christ and the church. invited me to watch. told me to get merv and yx too. i could just imagine. beautiful show.. and then the preaching starts. yes, give your life to god! and have eternal life... and that sort of stuff. had it once. scared me out of my wits. wonder whats the effect like 6 years after should it reoccur.

have i said before that i felt i lost my friends who give themselves to god? no? i say it now. i feel sometimes i lost my friends who have decided to give themselves to god. sometimes, i feel they have gotten so holy and their heads are in heaven, and not on earth. they are happier. but not because of me. i have friends who refuse to love anyone not a christian. does that qualify for bigamy? or religious discrimination? hm. i wonder.

sun yan zi's latest album is da bomb. its great. she's great. i recommend you get it. dun burn it. support our star! buy her album! and you get a sun yan zi xiao3 bei4 xin1!!! its a cute, tiny singlet with her name imprinted on it. i am glad my sis bought it... now i am just playing it on continuous mode on my player. milu milu...

just "passed" my driving evaluation yesterday. my instructor was scolding me all the way. i feel so sad. its my supposedly last lesson, and i still drive like a drunk driver. my instructor said i drive "dangerous". sigh. all my friends assured me that i should be able to pass on my first try. ZX said all men can do it. its the whole men Vs women driving thing. he said its "instinctive" and "natural" for all men to be able to drive well.. i was like.. okie.. i.. am.. a.. woman.. then... argh! the agony. i simply cant multitask. i cant steer a bend while changing from gear 2 to 3 while checking my blind spot... its just too much... i want to pass on my first try.. but i dun want to die in my first accident. oh. and the only day i can book for my driving test is the very day i have to go for my NS reservist recall briefing. i think its a sign. i cannot drive... i should not drive... and god is doing everything to prevent me from reaching that goal... maybe at least until i convert. then if i die in a horrible car crash, at least i go heaven.

oh one more thing. i am just amazed at the technology of underwear... while i was walking around.. i went to see if i needed some briefs.. i thought g-string was outrageous... now its made of "micro-fibres" ie... holes... for breathability i guess. but i was kinda surprised... netted underwear.... its like half naked.. and g string is like already half naked.. so that makes it one-quater naked... haha!!! oh dear.. the industry is doing everything to make underwears as "little" as possible, providing maximum exposure, with at least a minimum support. its quite funny. and a female assistant was opening boxes to show her male colleague the underwears... he was mildly surprised. she was playing with it. hm... i felt quite uneasy at how people talk about skimpy guys underwear so liberally. but i must admit.. the material was quite silky. i was imagining its comfort. then i thought it was kinda kinky. haha!! but i cant have them.. my mom, would like scream... and question me in front of the family what a triagular peice of cloth with two strings was supposed to be. imagine the embarassment.

finally, some time back. exams are finally over. the reasons why i studied and slaved all the way for 3 months. over. done. past tense. but yet if feels so surreal. so many thoughts running through my head. a feeling, that i wont do well. no As... maybe not even Bs...

after the paper, met up with darryl. he started moaning about how he wont be able to get As and A pluses. haha! funny guy. worked hard. hope he does well, cos he deserves it. and he's going back to camp to work through the holidays. at least he gets to be with his gf everday (she works there with him). haha!!! finally, some time for them to be together.

the point for me at least is, are the As really that important? then it begs the question is USP that important? or even dragonboat? or even university for that matter. sigh. another one of those comtemplatory moments.... i mean, there were many many times, i just could not motivate myself to study. maybe there isn't a reason strong enough? so why am i here? for the future? hmm... okay zip it. the philosophical questions are way over my head.

benson ang called just now. he's back from australia. glad to know he's back for the hols as well. was chatting with him on the phone, listening tell me all the australian stories, how life there is so much more relaxed. how beer is the water there. how making friends are so much easier when he was drunk. i heard its easy to lose your virginity there. i wonder if benson... hmm... still, glad to know one friend is still safe and sound and alive.

okay, now that the exams are done. what now? oh yah. pool.

yes! i am down to simply editing my essays. like finally. i am so going to finish my essays by tonight. so i feel a little excited, jumped the gun and decided to do a little blogging before actual completion.
still the pressure to start revision is there. i need to really start.

went for db training again. its the last training before regatta. was hoping it was going to be a great day to be a morale booster before the competition. in the end, we din really beat safsa, and went on par with ngee ann. its a little disappoiting. maybe its just me. thought my newly bought aqua shoes would make all the difference. sigh. felt so tired. so lethergic. the race day better, better be better. no it will be the best. that is if my revision is done by then. haha!!

sometimes, there are these days i feel that everything i do is wrong, and everything i do causes more inconveniences to the people around me. there are days when i just feel so low. question my existence, question my being. its not a really a spiritual inquiry. its just one of those day i feel worthless, cant contribute positively to my environment. i am not making them happy. i am just making them frustrated. these are the days i feel i am just a mere cockroach. a pest. a menace. i feel so pressurized to perform and yet no knows i am here. its just a crushing feeling. that's all. but then i used to get them for long periods of time in secondary school. i learn to appreciate myself. call it delusion if you want. it works. i learn to carry on living. i learn to carry on learning. its what you call life. see. i feel better about myself already.

my sister likes liang jing ru. using her laptop. listening to her songs. i am beginning to like her to.

lesson of the day: macdonalds fries get soggy really fast.

hey everybody. right now i am in gm room, eating macedemia cookies and charging my sister's lap top. thank you gm, thank you some-bakery-in-holland-village and thank you to my sister.

feeling a little better. confident of completing my essays by tomorrow. i hope. many plans never come to fruition. this better do.

went out with PQ, Ben and JW yesterday for dinner at kenny rogers. great dinner. always great to see JW again, and always entertaining to watch Ben make us fool of himself. but a great dinner generally. JW looked to tired. its perhaps the work at her school. seems like she's getting better at the job. she says its because of the accompaniment of two of her best guy friends, ben and mark. bless them all. Ben is handling so many ccas at once, i dunno how he managed to cope. but he's just joined the young pap. yes. the singapore equivalent of Hitler's Youth back then. he's one more step closer to world domination. you go ben. he has the capacity to be singapore's pm. just not the intelligence though. nor the maturity. haha!!! kiddin boy. you are there. just not there yet. after that we went to watch sharks tale. nice show but i think its going to go under the sea. not as nice as nemo. wont be as classic as the little mermaid. i give it 3 stars.

i am feeling quite tired sometimes of hurting people. and people complaining about my inadequacies. i need to pull up my socks. i need to get my game together. i need a lot of alcohol.

went to the law faculty student lounge with PQ. just as i was going to go off and buy dinner, this guy inside actually asked PQ and I whether or not we were law students. the tone was harsh and cold. so lawyerish. you see, the place required a law student's card to access its sacred grounds. and the guy asked such a dumb question. but that's not the issue. its the issue of exclusivity. the fact the PQ was able to gain access to the holy grounds of the LAW student lounge already proves that he's a faithul alcolyte of the holy books of the constitution, and to ask the question was obviously to confirm our identities. if we were not law students, one can just imagine how we were going to hell for stepping into the land of the rich, famous and apparently snobbish. its not an insult. its just a reflection of what culture that is perpetuating the student in the law faculty. i dun want to generalise. its just that my first outing to the law fac and meeting aspiring lawyer left me with a bad impression. i understand the hype and the oohs and aahs of being a lawyer. i tease PQ all the time. but even he was repulsed at the inquiry. he swore he will be the nicest, sweetest lawyer ever. i have my doubts. not that he's incapable. its just that the nature of the job will change him insidiously. but he has my support. i hope to see his aspirations come true. same goes to all my lawyer friends! valerie, vanessa, renita, and the gang. i want to be proud of you guys.

regatta is coming. am i ready?

lesson of the day: dun buy macedemia cookies from the bakery in holland vilage.

making this short tonight.

slept late. woke up early. training. died. metaphorically. lessons learnt: sleep early have breakfast. sounds simple. then why dun i do it? sigh. i am either too rebellious or too stupid. so what absolutely simple thing you know you should do but have yet to do it today? go do it now.

medicine melvin keeps calling me baka inu. hm. seems like another voyeur is keenly interested in the daily life of the stupid dog. haha!!! well, melvin, hope you have been relishing deliciously on my every word. but seriously, its getting alittle freaky. haha!! so when i can read yours? the diary of the narcissistic doctor.

lesson of the day: see above.

its deepavali eve! totally lost track of time. thought there was going to be a ps lecture tomorrow. was kinda hit into rememberance by the strong wafts of indians in the mrt. dun mean to be racist here, but i mean, it was like woah! there were so many indians, in the mrt, i thought the lights went out. i mean, there were sooo many indians i din think a fly could have survived the smell. i mean there were soooooooooo many indians. okay. i should stop. but really, there were so many...

db regatta is this big race. and its happening on the 20 and 21. my exams on the 23. hiaz. well. i was really hoping to just be in the mixed team, but my name was found on both the inter varsity and men's open team. i was a little surprised. and a little disappointed. where's my mixed team?? i want to row with the girls! haha!!! in any case, i have to prep myself up then. damn. have not been training for 5 days now.. alex says i have gotten fat. come to think of it, my six packs disappeared! argh!!!

but my main concern is really the response i have gotten from some of my friends. some of them are not rowing, cos they have papers and such. i am not really clear with everybody's details, but generally those who were not selected, were quite disappointed. its really sad, that should anyone have put in so much effort and dedication, and not be allowed to row. that's injustice. maybe there are reasons. i dunno. i dun know what to make of this situation. the fact is i am rowing myself, so i do feel as emotionally acutely as them. but i get the picture. i have been there myself. i am sure we all have. but i just know, i wont just quit or stop my dedication there and then. look at my paper 2. my prof made me right again. and i continued to put in the effort. okay, as usual, my analogy is inappropriate but i am sure you get the idea. right? right? sigh.

i just hope that whatever happens, selected or unselected, win or lose, rain or shine, we, as dragonboaters will continue to strive and work hard. its a goal that's up there, way way up there. and that's what makes the challenge all the more worthwhile. and if we do win, makes the victory oh so sweet. if i am not rowing now, i will want to row next sem. if not next sem, the next next sem. that's the idea of meritocracy right? that's how our society works right? i will complain till the cows come home. but after i realise i am left all alone in the fields, with no more cows to bitch to, i, too will walk my way back.

i got one more essay about my favourite politician, machiavelli. and one more, if and only if, mr nerney does not change my thesis for paper 3. i think i put in a decent effort. i will put in more effort if he does not throw my paper out the window! oh god! please!!! please!!! please!!!

ok. now i am sounding desperate. wait. i AM desperate. and stressed and pressurized and about the blow up. no. kiddin. i may scream and complain and all, but i will get over it all. we all will. whether we like it or not, the days will come and they will go. so lets just make the best out of it all shall we?

lesson of the day: wear a belt when your pants are larger than your waist size.

okay. i am not supposed to make this entry tonight at 1230 in the morning. no i am not mugging, contrary to what everybody thinks i am doing. i am doing a draft for paper 3 for tomorrow's conference of which i have a strange feeling its going to end up like paper 2 again. the fear, the trepidation, the horror. sigh. half way. think i am going to have to last to 4 again this morning. wish me luck.

so many things can happen in a few days. i am emotionally sapped, mentally drained, physically stressed. sigh.

i am trying to cope with the exam stress, and gm was kind enough to share his room with me, let me use his lap top, let me sleep on his bed, lent me his toothpaste. awww... so sweet. it only made me realise how much i need and want a room all for myself. well, thanks again gm. it was so kind of you to accomodate my selfish desires. there need more kind, happy go lucky souls in these world like you.

i got scolded for being an insensitive jerk. i got bashed for being a selfish bastard. sigh. i am. i admit. and i am trying to change. some of you guys may not see it, but only those who know me well enough are kind enough to point out my flaws.

i realise how may great friends i have with me. many i have distanced away, but many i have gained. i should not bewail those i have lost, but instead pause the thank all those i have gained. so here goes. first up, many thanks to pq for putting up with all my nonsense. he's the main reason why i am in db in the first place, if he did not persuade me to stay, even though i know the reason is really to accompany him, but it did not discount the fact that i had an epiphany on the first day that led to my decision to commit myslef to db. i have known him for 5 close to 6 years now. gosh, has it been that long? hm. well, here's a special thanks for being here.
second, its alvin chow kiat. he's one of my best friends from ns, and has been chatting and encouraging me throughout this entire sem. he's corny jokes are one of a kind. we enjoyed it so much. i know he wants me to convert, but i have constantly be eluding him. been eluding god. but he never gives up. thanks.
third, its yao. another great friend from ns. even though we stopped dancing, i enjoyed all the lindy hop sessions, and all the chats back home. hope see play pool with him and mark after the exams.
fourth is eileen. that girl has always been a constant source of worry for me. cos i know she is not studying, but somewhere out there netballing, roving, or singing in the church choir. i enjoyed her chats and her company. really want her to do well for the exams, cos i lent her my textbook.
fifth, is the db guys, especially riesal, guomin, archi melvin, jason, noel, wintson, ah fu, teddy, stanly, james, xiangyi and the seniors all provided me with a social life i never had, a reminder of male friendships reminicent of ns.
sixth, darryl. i dun think he knows this blog, but ah well. he's been around since usp camp, and has been around ever since. see him almost everyday cos we take 4 out of 5 modules together. we know each other's academic life in and out. esp for the writing module, which we bitch about all the time. i think right now, he's also doing the paper 3 draft. he's been another kind soul to let me sleep over in his room, and to share notes and the write notes for me when i deliberately skip class. although he keeps teasing me about me being in rj and being smart and all, we get the same grades. so either you are as smart as me, brudder, or i am as dumb as you.
last but not least alex. my best study mate, always so considerate. although he always bitches, and whines and complains, he's there at my most stressful moments, my most depressing days, and most frustrating times. being able to see him and study with him everyday for provided me with an emotional anchor point, a regulairity and a reference point in my constant navigating through the dangerous waters of university.

yup. there you go. this is practically my social life. of course, i must never discount the little moments i have had with people like kaiyong, hock, stephen, JW, liza, bryan, mark, ZX YX and merv (!!!!), as well, as bobby, lihui, zhihong, ailing, winnie, and the girl with the blond hair and english accent and red laptop in ps class. well, thanks and thanks again all. if i missed out any of you. please reply in my blog to bash me up. cos i really am running out of time and need to start on my essay. haha!!!

lesson of the day: the lap top is not necessary but it is REALLY helpful, especially when doing essays.

doing work, in GM's room (gasp what are you doing in his room?!), typing on his laptop in a futile attempt to do my sociology summaries as part of my tutorial assignment due in 14 hours time. thought that i would just do a little blogging to clear my mind, rest my spirits and consolidate my energies before i get down jiggy with it. feel myself enervating though...

i was feeling so desperate to finish this work, that i deliberately skipped my virute and leadership lesson today (gasp you skipped class?!). i was so bent to doing my work. yet, in the 5 hours i had in the library, i was sleeping for 3. cos one, i slept at 3 the night before, two the chair was so comfortable, and three, i just felt really lazy. so yeah. i pulled myself out of the library and went for db training. ironic eh? for me to skip lessons and go for physical training. what's up with me nowadays. especially so when i experienced a panic attack at 2 am last night just thinking about how much work i still have and how much more work i have to do to catch up and prepare for the exams. maybe this is another instance of procrastination and self deulsion.

speaking of self delusion, mr nerney has returned me my paper two, and with it, the grade. i dun want to open it up and look at it. i have a nagging feeling i will be thoroughly disappointed. probably a B. i would be so distracted, i wont be able to study. so i think i will only open it up after the exams. yes. that's what i will do. im a coward. smart. but a coward.

db training was fun, as usual. was not so tough. a good workout. now i feel physical lethargy. i want to sleep. but i have to work. jiahe was saying how everyone will be rowing, which means i will probably be rowing as well. oh dear. i never counted on being a participant in regatta. i was giving myself one year. i was hoping to be sidelined, and just watch and support the guys. and now, the prospect is solidifying. oh dear. i should i have trained more in the past.

slept through during ps lecture today, during the part when professors were introducing the different sub branches of ps. it got me wonder, if ps is the major for me, since i could be so easily prompted to sleep. its a path. of no return. as is with all the other majors. okie. stop. i am worrying myself again.


GM is such a romantic. he's waiting for the right girl to come. he reminds me of yesterday when my sociology tutor george radics said that we have all been preconditioned by and have become obsessed of the idea of the one true love. the idea that there is one girl waiting out there, who is meant for me and me alone, and that if i search hard enough, we will be together, forever and ever. when he put it that way. yeah, it did sound kinda bullshitty. have the notion of marriage and romance been overly romanticized by countless upon countless of love movies, and drama serials and literature? have we been bombarded and inundated by seemingly noble and ultimate versions of love that we are driving ourselves insane? how are we supposed to behave? how are we supposed to react? i dunno. i just want love. and be happy with it.

got my reservist letter. told to report on 30 dec. recall anytime between 8 jan onwards. am i supposed to be happy? am i supposed to be reluctant? i dunno again. i dun feel anything now. i just feel my brain liquidating. will blog later again. after my work. and if i come out of it alive.

lesson of the day: the library is too comfortable.

yeah! finally get to blog again. its been what, three days? was rushing my cyrus essay. was rushing paper 3 draft. will be rushing sociology assignment. that's life. and exams coming. more and more stress. yeah!

went for writing module. showed my draft to nitesh and petrina. nitesh is really smart, very intellectual and not afraid to shoot his mouth off. basically slammed my draft, much like Mr. Nerney, only more direct and much, much, much clearer. i was feeling dialectic, whether or not to hit him because of his criticisms or to hug him because they were constructive. haha!!! in the end, was more happy than angry (actually din feel any rage) cos i had a much clearer idea what i will want to do for the paper. one thing that really pissed me, i guess, was that i find my intellectual capabilities lacking in comparison to his. maybe its his being from india, but then i am being racist, saying that all indians are smart. he's the exception. (oops. i think i just made a discriminatory comment). i wonder if theres a prescription for smarter thinking. somehow, i think my brainiac abilities have settled into comfortable state of stupor and blankness. i dun think i can think critically, i dun think i have great analysing skills, i dun think i can make ground breaking inferences. i have become the average man. i have become ordinary. oh ... my... god...

maybe that's why i borrow a book called "logical thinking", full of examples and exercises. it seems i have established a belief that everything can be learnt from books. living, thinking, feeling, believing. i seem to think they can all be learnt. can they? or am i doomed to be like i am as i am? no. i dun want to believe that. i want to believe that i can improve, and if i dun have anyone i can learn all these from, i will learn through books. at least books dun slam my ideas.

db was comparatively less strenuous today. concluded i cant sprint. only better in long distance. always have a mental block. i wonder if there's a book on how to run fast....
no, of course not. it takes practice, it takes training, it takes conceited effort and tangible action. i have to work harder.

that's the thing, i keep saying i will work harder. and i do, but i dun see tangible results. friends will encourage me to keep going for i will see the fruits of my labour... eventually.... god is kind, my sincerity will be repaid.. and all that kind of motivational speeches. i know. cos i say it myself. but then, they never considered the possiblity that what if it does not happen. many people in the course of history have worked their ass off, some literally and some metaphorically. but the point is, some people's efforts DO go unnoticed, some DO go unrecognised, some even misrepresented or misinterpreted. what if i am one of them? one of them who will pass by the annals of time unheard, unseen, unknown? worse, branded as a traitor, or bastard, or loser? i think too much. no. i worry too much. i dun think critically, i think fantastically. so whats the message? just keep being sincere, and just keep going.

GM said that his friend told him that his blog is boring. i told them that that's because he dun blog that much, and that he din blog about his friend. i told him that friends are not so much interested in his life per se, but rather what he has to say about them. you who are reading this are not going to remember all my bitching and ranting. you will probably only remember what i say about you. if its good, you will come over to me and smile more frequently. if its bad, unless you are my true friend, you will come smiling to me with a dagger under your shirt. so how? i will blog and bitch and rant anyway. cos i dun care about you. i care about me. haha!!!

i want a house with a queen size bed.

lesson of the day: if you want to stay in a hostel, make sure you apply at the beginning of the sem. they dun have any accomodation for students who wish to stay over. if you want, bunk over a friends, or just sleep on one of the benches.

i am feeling very unmotivated. dont want to study. dun want to do work. the thought of monday and tuesday is daunting, the thought is compressing my emotions into a tin can i want to throw out the window. i have gone through this for the last two weeks. this week, it feels the same, only worse. right now. i feel no one can understand my lethargy. i cant understand it myself. i pride myself to be optimistic and resilient. yet, i am languishing in exhaustion from training, in lukewarm water of the humid night, in still motion of aimless drifting. its three weeks to exams. i am frightening myself again. but it has become numb. its an emotion. its a state of mindlessness. i want to remember this feeling. i want to get out of this. i need to get out of this.

"whenever you feel unmotivated to study, remember the times you wished you did. This is your chance. your life. Its finally here." i wrote this into my mobile in early this year, simply because i know its moments like this that will come and subsume my reality. but reading this now, my present state has not only taken over my reality, its has blurred my past, and dimmed my future. i am always so thankful for the people who has been encouraging me all the way, alvin chow kiat, yao, eileen and alex. but they have done all they can. i have come to the stage when i need to depend only on myself. i am trying to find my crutches cos my legs are paralyzed.

archi melvin is such a genius. came for training again today. was so surprised. i commented that i found it strange to see him during two trainings in a row. not used to his frequent presence. haha!!! but am glad he came down. he's so funny always talking about how packed his life is juggling architecture, usp and db. he always puts my own life in perspective. he gives me a reason not to complain and just do it. however, somehow i suspect he's one of those geniuses from my school. just simply intelligent, and smart, and witty, and capable. the guy who gets the grades whether he studies or not. i am not suggesting he does not study, cos he works damn hard. i am just saying he's a genius.

i dun need more time. i need a brain. and lots of luck. and god. no, wait. i do need more time. was glad melvin told me i should not give up on usp. cos its not much difference, just more work, more fun, more interesting. its one of those i messages that somehow perks me up when reality is getting me down. in the end whether or not i quit usp, will ultimately boil down to my grades at the end of this sem, and a reassessment of my capacities in the context of reality.

PQ is getting irritating. he and alex have this thing against me. sigh. i feel so outcasted. i know its for fun, but its irritating. PQ goes "yeah, yeah, you are right" whenever i start speaking (refer to PQ's blog to find out the reasons behind it). its one of those "shut up, you loud mouth trumpet" sort of tactics. PQ, you better stop using it on me, cos i say again, its super irritating. use only sparingly, cos maybe there are time i need to shut up.

like now. cos i have to continue with my essay.

lesson of the day: sometimes blogging really does make you feel better about yourself. but it tires you out after all that emotional vomit.

it was so screwed up. was in the library in the morning typing my entry, spent 30 minutes of pure emotional and psychological catharsis. was about to publish it, but not before enacting my security measure: ctrl-x. it will save my entry, incase it cannot get publish once i hit the button (fyi, if it does not get published successfully, its gone. even i you hit the "back" button, it disappears, vanishes, flows into the quicksand of time, never to resurface again). and so i was happily highlighting everything when suddenly, poom! it just erases it self. i dunno if i hit anyone buttom by accident. tried the ctrl-z, but nothing happened. i pressed all the buttons, nothing happened. i closed my eyes, went on my knees, screamed a silent prayer to the lord to save my beloved entry from oblivion, nothing happened. it was a sinking feeling. it was a drowning feeling. i was at the bottom of the ocean like Jack in the Titanic. damn you rose. you let me go. still its a worse feeling today than all the times i lost my entries. when i lost my entries previously, i kept telling myself to save a copy, and i did for my last few entries in trepid fear. and today, when i thought i was doing the right thing, applying the logical lesson, it went wrong. its like redeeming yourself from a past criminal record but you end up bumping into an old lady and induced a heart attack that killed her. why? oh why?

so i left, in quaking fuming anger, just waiting to find someone to screamed at. but no one. its a disappointment upon disappointment. ah well.

spent the whole day just sitting at the forum reading the education of cyrus, in order to do my essay. skipped the damn writing module and mr paul nerney. just din want to see his face. just din want to hear his voice. din want no kentucky friend chicken from the colonel sanders look alike. so my butt grew roots into the bench, and i fell alseep. okay. at least i mananged to read finish the book and wrote a few notes. will do my essay later. i hope.

a close friend told me that i am very definite. "definite"? when i said "fine" it means "fine". if i said "bye" it means no more. am i that definite? am i that harsh? am i the finality in my interactions with my friends? i am very straight. if i mean work, it means work unto completion. if i play, i play till i drop. i draw clear boundaries. i cut my pie in clean straight lines. no crumbs, no leftovers, no lingering pieces for the crows to pick. if i eat my rice, i make sure my bowl is spotless. if i tidy up my table, i make sure my books in the bookshelf are arranged by height. if i sit and watch tv, my occupation becomes "couch potato". i am a very determined guy. i am a very one tracked guy. some people like it, some people don't. my men back in 3 sir always says i am too straight. ought to cut some slack. ended up undermining my partners laid back attitudes, made him look bad. sigh. and now, its back again, undermining my relationships now. there was one night the first time i studied with alex. i told him not to talk to me until we finished studying. he thought i was cutting him off. you know alex, that guy has to talk to keep alive. back then, if you talk, i make sure your notes get stuffed through your mouth and into your brain. but his curt complain about it made me realise how with my own behaviour, i am denying other people's freedom. i am denying their entry. now, i am TRYING to multitask, ie, read and entertain people's comments at the same time. i stress the TRYING. leopards dun change his spots, at least overnight. if anyone of you see me studying, please drop by to say hi. but if you stay for more than 10 minutes, i am going to have to ask you to leave. now. immediately. haha!!! yes current and future study mates, i am trying.

miss the good old days, when studying was your sole occupation, your life, your death. all day, all night, you are just thinking about how much you will score for the test tomorrow. 99? or 98? and a half? sigh. now, in uni, you have so much more to think about. studies, people, girls, hair style, fashion, sex (for this, its purely just thought), food, money, future, cv, jobs, ecas, competitors, politics, blah blah blah. i just want to study, but i cant do it anymore, i am not in secondary school. i am in university. and university means id better the take the pressure. or take the next exit out.

thinking. thinking. gone.

lesson of the day: skip lessons you know you are not going to enjoy anyway. time can be well spent doing essays.

i realise a lot of people are reading my blog, for whatever reasons. concerned friends, interested stalkers, hungry voyeurs. hm. i have to try to remember that there will always be things i cannot say. cos i will always offend someone. but you know what, i dun care. what you see is what you get man. i am an open book. you are here to read me. and i am inviting you to open my cover. but please be gentle with me, cos i am a book.

this is saying hi to people i never really knew were regularly keeping up to date with my life, like JW, andrea, and medicine melvin (yes i am waiting to read one of your many facets melvin). well, if any one who comes across this blog and am interested to have a little chat with me, feel free to drop an email. better yet, leave me your own blog site, so i can read yours too. voyeurs attract voyuers. yes i am a voyuer too. everyone is. cos everybody dreams of living someone else's life. and they do so by reading about them. that's why i love literature. if only i got the time to sit and finally read lord of the rings, and hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. after exams. yeah, sorry i got abit off track. yeah, so you! whoever is reading my blog, lets have the professional courtesy to exchange lives. NB: make sure your life is interesting.

okie, i feel my readings calling me now. i cant stay and read your lives anymore.

lesson of the day: you get a nice crunch sound and a soft squish feel whenever you step on a snail.

the dreaded writing module. the hated mr nerney. the daunting paper 3. its all happening again. the confusion, the torture, the even-if-i-write-my-essay-its-going-to-be-wrong-wrong-wrong. write again please. ah well. kinda feeling crappy cos of the cough medicine. was sprouting nonsense in class. then there was this bloody irritating indian girl from the other class who crashed ours and basically talked more than the whole class combined. the indian accent, the shrilly voice, the i-know-how-to-articulate-what-mr nerney-says tone. ew. ew. ew. if i had to hear that kind of voice again, i will make her drink my cough syrup, and listen to a tape record of her own opinions again and again until she realises that she sounds like a female lee kuan yew on helium. maybe its just my inability to sprout such sensible sentences that got me jealous. then again, everybody else's eyeballs were rolling in pain too. so its not just me then. yeah.

my friend acknowledge too that the people are usp are crazy. they are geniuses no doubt, but the competition there can drive even the sane (yours truly) nuts. my friend is right, they are bent on taking over the world. at the end of the sem, if i dun get my 3.5, or 4.0, i am going to have to drop either db or usp. looking at the way things go, the atmosphere at db is a bit more amiable than the throat-cutting, back-stabbing, lies-sprouting, confusion-inducing environment of usp. leaders of the future? bah. just crazy delusional kids who think grades are everything. i am trying my best to concoct this brain eating virus to infect all these mad people. then i will be the only one left to rule the planet. yeah.

the prince is by far the best book i have read. i only read the introduction, but its already in my opinion the best book. its about politics, all the throat-cutting, back-stabbing, lies-sprouting, confusion-inducing politics that every social and political being should and must know if they one to take over the world. i have a nagging feeling, i am the last person in usp to be reading this book. but no matter, my virus will wipe them all out anyway. still, the prinve by nicolo machiavelli is indeed a wonderful book to read. if not to rule the world, at least know how to guard your self against such people. i recomment the 48 laws of power by this guy called greene. he wrote the 48 laws of seduction too. i am going to read that once the sem is over. yeah.

db was a killer today. more farge legs (however you spell it). its interval running. its so bad, that people were falling out with cramps, or injuries. and these are dragon boaters. man. i was close to falling out too. was feeling dizzy after the statics. my friend asked me if it was a good training session. for me, as long as i feel tired, and great, and grateful that i am still alive, yes, it was a good training session. i am a sadist. i like pain. i like to play along the edges. i am a rebel. so? what can you do about? i just love it. hate going for trainings though. but once you do it, all i can think about is when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. this explains why i did not commit suicide whenever i had the chance. life is too good. when things are down and painful, and its when you keeping say you can't do it, you make it happen. its magical. its called the human spirit. endearing, enduring, and ultimately the thing that makes your world spin.

my friend called me boorish. i call myself simple. called me insensitive. i call myself a man.

lesson of the day: you have to press the stop button in the shuttle service so the bus will actually stop for you to alight.

i just finished my Southeast Asia essay, at least i think i did. am doing it with daniel lee from the same camp. because my home's portable home ran out of battery, i ended up talking to him on my mobile. shucks. my plan has no free incoming or outgoing. my plan's ancient. i am imagining the next bill paymet. da-ba-bomb.

over our discussions, i realise i cant stand people whose views differ from my own if it concerns work. i become very impatient, and very irritated. but at every point of difference, i cooled and tried to listen to him, and did my best to have his points included. they made sense. just not to me. i am imagining how i am going to interact with co-workers in the future. i have had friends like JW and alex always complaining about somebody they have to work with and how terrible they are at human relations. i am not afraid to shoot my mouth off hence i usually always tick someone off or rub the guy up the wrong way. sigh. have to be patient. have to be diplomatic. have to be a suck up. have to act more convincingly. have to be more fake. ah well. that's life. right?

db was a torture for me today. i was doing my essay in the morning, kept thinking about whether or not to go, and then by a wave of yearning, i decided to go for training at the last minute. and ironically when i was there, i kept thinking about my essay. talk about being in two place at once. then i felt so weak and tired. and every stroke was painful, every pull a stress and every recovery felt like slow motion. i was wacked. sean says that a boat can only fill 22 people. i am hoping i will not be selected for that team. i mean there is no need for that hope. i am not qualified to be considered for selection anyway. but i do want to be in the mixed team though. haha! i want to participate. but i know if i get into the main boat, i am just going to slow them down. at least in the mixed team, i have more impetus to pull hard. maybe just to look more impressive to the girls. haha!!!

going to talk about gm again. its just normal observations, dun worry baby. i am NOT interested in you. haha!!! read his blog. he's super funny. he's the kam sort of funny. he's the ah beng funny. he reminds me of desmond gay from camp. sprouting nonsenses that comes off as funny. then he makes all those puns and jokes about chinese idioms. bao1 luo2 wan4 xiang4. wrap the gong and thousands of cameras will take your pictures. its funnier cos alex will believe them. haha!!! you crack us up man. he's your street comedian. like david blaine the street magician. but other than that, he's just your normal perverted, uncontrollably hormonal guy who just wants some form of decent love. awwww.... he's wacked. good luck buddy. hope your relationship lasts longer than 2 months.

yao, andrea and mark played pool yesterday. i had to do essay. i was so jealous when yao was telling me about it. i missed pool so bloody damn much. andrea beat mark!!! i cant' believe it. that means she can beat me anytime now. i am just fantasizing how much pool i am going to play after the exams... muahaha!!!! i am going to let loose and wreck havoc. pool parlours... be afraid... be very afraid.........

but its really an opportunity to meet my friends again, all those i have neglected. i miss you yao. i miss all the times we spent chatting and conversing our way home. but i saw this coming, the end of it all when school started. and even so, we havent been making the conceited effort to call each other, only because i am the only who is always busy, always working, always training. to all my friends, i always think about you. and its sometimes sad, especially when i am hanging out with my books or my db buddies, and all i can do for you guys is think about you all. i am such a bastard. but at the same time, i know you guys have gone off and gotten your own life. i look back at secondary school and my best mates, ZX, YX, merv, WY, alvin chiew have all distanced them selves so far away i dun recognise them. and they cant' recognise me either. we have changed. and i weep for the differences. we cant seem to find that one constant thing that we can hold on to sometimes. and we drift apart.

exams are coming. i am not prepared. i am screwed. as usual.

i am really feeling like breaking down now. today i just finished that damn paper 2 essay. and at the end of it all, i dun feel secure. i have that nagging feeling its going to come back bad. i was sitting there and i visualised a C+ and my mind screamed in pain. i was so scared. what if i get an F? what if?

there goes my imagination again, that insecure, panicky, paranoid side of me that i picked up and cultivated to perfection in those competitive years in raffles. wonderful, great, fabulous. i am sooo doomed.

anyway, back to my intellectual collapse. i have a SEA essay due monday. i have a Cyrus essay due thurs. i have a The Prince presentation on monday. i have a Paper 3 (!!!) essay due dunno when. and i have three modules i need to study for the exam for. am i not screwed? am i not whacked? i need a hug. and stay there.
on top of that, i have been having this bad viral cough since last sunday. and its not letting up. its getting me down. and getting worse. i feel i am coughing whatever disintergrated brain matter i have left in this head of mine.

alvin chow kiat was telling me to remember the "lower" people, and be appreciative. you are not the worst. you are not the most stupid. there are other people getting lower grades than you. yeah. sure. now that's going to to make me happy. i dun believe in getting a head of people "worse" than me. i want to getting closer to the people higher than me. this is what years of self improvement messages have done to me. make me stronger. and more stressed.

guomin. yes. i am sure you are just DYING to see what i have to write about you this time you perverted sicko maniac. i was NOT stalking you. i was NOT looking at you. i was NOT imagining all the nasty things i would like to do to you. but i can try, since you want me to. haha!!! i will take more time and effort to stare at you. okay? just make sure you make us laugh you joker.
anyway, dun let the fact that you did less pull ups yesterday get you down. you were probably just tired. just keep at it and we will get stronger together.

alex. yes. i am going to talk about you again haha!!! he's such a nice guy. he stands by his friends (whoever he regards as his friends. he's so picky) whenever they are down. he's great. the all round good guy. EXCEPT (ah ha. here's where it gets nasty) do you know he is so picky? he is choosy about his food? here's are a few example of the things he cannot eat: peanut butter. peanut. cheese. brinjal. raw fish. raw anything. durian. strawberry. strawberry??? but he likes cherry. har??? he's not weird. he's crazy. also, he has impeccable table manners. he hates it when people slurps their food, or munch noisily or chew with their mouths open. that's what i do. that's why he hates me. its hard living with a guy who is overly concerned with grades, food and table manners. that's why he's my friend, cos i need to learn a few things about sitting properly and eating right.

yup that's it for now. now i have to scat and read SEA while coughing.

okie. i wrote this long entry. and it just vanished. damn damn damn. now i am pissed.

woah... this is like 3 or 4 days since i actually came online? hm. so many things can happen in 4 days.

i din go for db training yesterday (*gasp*). yes yes, i know that reaction. i was coughing quite badly. i was really quite prepared to go, but i decided not to, cos i really wanted to have a good sleep. (havent gone away yet though. but i AM going for training tomorrow!) but the big boo-boo was that i din inform anyone about it. PQ called me after training to ask. he told me tony called me irresponsible (*gasp*gasp*). the horror! o! the horror! it struck me straight into the heart. and only then i realised how negligent and indeed irresponsible i had been.
i had not felt to shocked for a long time, not at least since the time salihin called me selfish. never had i thought i could have faltered so unconsciously. if there is any values i prized, they are being responsible and considerate (there's a difference between considerate and sensitive, fyi). i just feel dazed and worried for the state of my mind, and my morals and the vigilance in safeguarding them. this is what happens when you are constantly think of that somebody, and always wishing to be close to that someone dear. it just makes everything seem so insignificant, so inconsequential. but somehow it seems wrong that love should cloud everything else. yet it seems most genuine.

gm thinks i am onto that clown. haha!!! what a thought. i guess that's the thought of a desperate man who wants to be loved. he thinks everyone who speaks well of him MUST be in love with him. its okay dear boy. i understand. have been there once before. haha!!! i am sure tt will accept you. then you will heck care the world and only have her in your heart and your mind.

eileen initiated to study with me. like finally, girl. everytime call her, she's always either rovers or church or netball or friends or somewhere else. but we din get to study much. ended up chatting with her. then had to scoot off somewhere. she left before i came back and was so nice to pack my bag. and not before leaving me an invitation to her church. din realise she put it in my file until i got home. that's sweet, and caring. but i can't go and give the Lord an official chance yet. i have things to settle before i may allow myself in my presence, if he still wants me.
thanks anyway, dear girl.

alex, ah alex. he's going to have things to say to me again, if i say anything bad about him. he's always whining about work and how he lost that 2 percent in the psychology test because he misread the question by so little much. and that anger i witnessed was quite scary cos for the first time, i saw in his eyes how much anger and violence he is capable off. but i rather him blow off the steam than keep it in the heart and ferment and just go crazy, like how i myself operate. i want to be there whenever he is low, just as he has been a good friend and has been there whenever i need someone to talk to. thanks buddy, you dunno how much your being means to my sanity. haha!!!

okie, i really have to go and do my USP paper 2 essay. still pissed about it. i am sooooo going to fail. oh yeah, and one more, its regarding jason from db now. he asked me what was my lowest grades and i said b- and he's like happy cos he got a better grade than b-. hmm.. glad to be of service as a stepping stone. nono.. please, i am dying for any of you to use me as your sex toy if only to grant you any form of academic orgasm. sigh. haha!! nono, kiddin jason. not angry at you. its human nature. i do that all the time. haha!!! it sucks being at the bottom. it just justifies my stupidity.

but dun worry, i will psycho myself to think i am smart. trust me. i am great at deluding myself.

the sun will come up, tomorrow!

i feel gladder. and more calm now... after the last few days. it has been a really hectice and heart pounding two weeks. so much things to think and do.

Prof Nerney just turned my Paper 2 essay inside out, and very subtlely insinuated that i got my concepts wrong, and suggested a new thesis. I.e. MC, please write your entire essay again. I dun care if you took 2 weeks to think and do it, i am giving you 5 days. see you at class on tuesday!
bitch.

so there went my entire weekend. and it did not help that i had been having 5 hours of sleep, in an attempt to go to school and study, only to fall asleep all alone on the benches. this is super unproductive. i need resolve! i need determination! i need more coffee.

and so, my rants and rave shakes the world around me. it shakes my world at least.

DB is tough. really. but i like it. Teddy has been training really hard on off days. i think he is a great role model, getting up early to study and going the mile to do extra training. i want to be like him, i want his never say die attitude.
i cant seem to find the time. i am always reading, and sleeping, and worrying, and getting my essays thrown back at me demanding to be redone. how to do extra training?

alex is also working very hard. for his psychology. he's got his entire month planned out. and he's juggling arts mc and dragonboat as well. he's aiming for a 5.0 cap. he's got guts. but i still can't help feeling he's setting himself up for disappointment. still, they are good expectations. its not so much whether or not you hit the mark as it is you hit as high as you can, most probably beyond your current abilities and even if you do miss, you get up from the fall and carry on. i am not smart. but guomin says qin2 neng2 bu3 zhuo2. the piano can cover the table.

speaking of guomin, i have only come to recently realise that this dunman-victoria, chao ah beng who believes he has the looks of brad bitt, the wit of tony blair and the stomach of moses lim, a romantic soon-to-be computer engineer is really very humourous. whenever i look at him, i really want to laugh out loud. he has the countenance of an ernest school boy. big eyed, cute dimples. looks like puss in boots in shrek 2. when he "tries" to act serious, he always ends up looking like he's parodying some love scene and making it going all wrong. haha!!! i thinks he's talented and should try for show biz. he's corny and witty, coming up with all the lame jokes man. he's my kind of guy. at this point he will think that i am onto him.. (oh... hoho... if only you knew, gm.... *evil grin*). No lah. i mean, he's the sort of person i'd like to hang around and listen to him crap. like alvin chow kiat and kenneth koh. i always believe that people who knows how to use puns and lame jokes are a rare breed to human beings that are always under appreciated by mainstream society. he's the sort that should get any girl he sets his eyes on. so go for it brother. im sure if she's the one, she will enjoy your every pun. just pick up your guts from the nearest buchery, stuff them inside your stomach and keep asking her.

good night baby. i love you lots. (not you gm, you wish.)

i have been sick these days. in all sense of the word.

my throat is hurting, i am coughing, i feel queasy, i have got blisters, and on top of that i am not getting any good sleep.
and then i am exerting myself in dragonboat and my studies. everynight means sleeping at 1 in the morning, and waking up at 7 to go to school. its work work work everytime everyday.

i realise i am emotional unstable. my heart can't take longing, and my heart can't take hurting. i try to be more resilient, more determined, yet it cries as it breaks, and cries as it mends.

i am addicted. on the rational surface is seems to wrong, so terrible, so bad. yet, i like it. but this dialectic is renting me. my heart and my head. my body and my soul. its teaching me so many things, things i have never done before, and yet i am surprised i did it, and that i am capable to doing it. its an ugly side that must be hidden and kept away.

okay. back to finding ASEAN. why can't we just cooperate and make the world a safe place?

i have been super impatient, super insensitive, super greedy. i have been asking for too much from myself. creating all these fantasies with no clue if they might come true or not.
we just came to a stage when we can call oursleves close, yet circumstances bid us distance. i guess this is normal. this is part and parcel of it all. i must have the emotional maturity and resilience to handle such challenges. i may miss it all, for a while, but i guess when we meet, the wait is worth it. to try to understand you better, to try for us to reach a higher level of intellectual and emotional econnection. to try to search for the friendship and love we hope to achieve from each other.
there is still so much to do, so much to say. but i must be patient. i promised to experience it all slowly. this is a good chance to slow things down. we cannot ask too much to fast. pacin you said. three stages. i pray we can get through this.and we will. i promise.

its wrong. yet it feels so right. you aint it. yet you are. why have you come? what are your intentions? don't hurt me. i am just a simple man. i just want to love and be loved. i want your friendship and i will give you mine. you read me well. i feel comfortable. i feel happy. but what do you want from me? what do you want me to do? reciprocate. tell me so i know. voice it out so i can act. show me that you are worth my fighting for. cos i want to.

just more thoughts and more ramblings from my poetic side. hehe.

when i scanned through alvin's and weiyang's essays before handing mine up, i felt that they probably put in a lot of effort judging by their bibliography. assuming that they aren't compulsive liars, which i know they aren't, it looked impressive. alvin took the time to stylize his fonts, while weiyang added in colour. yes, yes, i know its tiny petty details, but remember i come from raffles, where everyone is paranoid of each other's grades. haha!!! nono. it really is just a reflect of the extent of human potential and willingness to take the effort. puts mine in perspective.

i always remember when po qin and benedict teased me about how much time i spent in the photocopying shop just furiously and mindless photostating away. the shop auntie knew me by my name. but in the end, i never read them and just chucked them aside, simply because i ran out of time, missed the deadline and was just writing out the actual essay at 1 am in the morning. talk about foolish youth.

back to the point. i mean i understand human capacity is unlimited. i understand human determination is strong. i understand the need to be smart and do the right things right. what i still can't get, and still can't do, is to have and do all three of them simultaneously. haha!
then i realise my human capacity limited, my determination short, and my intellect lacking. hm. i need to work on myself more.

i really, really, really hate it when a friend loses another friend, especially if he or she is a close friend. its a damn pity. makes a mockery out of relationships. makes a fool out of human emotions. makes a sight out of one's willingness to sacrifice his own time for the other. its stupid and undeserving. i will say a prayer just for you alvin, and hope you will find her soon. if not, there's always you, me and a playboy magazine. haha!!!

when i look at alvin, i always feel a sense of admiration for that guy. smart, witty, entertaining, artistic, devoted. and brave. just sometimes, i dun understand when he is serious, and when he is joking, cos most of the time, he is always joking and making everyone laugh at his antics. he deserves better.

but at the same time, its precisely because of friends like alvin, and zx, that through their own journeys of emotional ups and downs, that always scares me. scares me out of asking, frightens me out of believing that i and her will ever have a happy ever after. emotions are unpredictable and fleeting. one day i may feel a profound sense of affection, the next a bland sort of aftertaste. believe in myself? i do. i am confident, just not handsome. i am capable, just not funny. i am good husband quality, just not good boyfriend quality. i just still can't bring myself to believe that there can be any ever after.

another friend though, has given me some food for thought though, in the capacity for human emotions and how it can drive one nuts into action. it really drives me nuts that i am afraid also, that i get swept away in irrationality and in unrealistic fantasies. i want ever after. i just dun believe it will come and get me.